147. Tessa and Marcus | Using Yes Language in Parenting

Friends, we are back with some more golden goodness here on the momset podcast. I am your host, Tessa Romero, and today I have been able to bring in my husband to ask one of the top questions I get about yes Language, as I've been sharing more about that on my social channels and brought it into the Momset membership, our whole 21 day yes mom challenge and all the lessons and framework. Truly the top question I get is does your husband do this too? So. So.

I do. I do.

I got the man here to tell us. Hey, babe, thanks for coming on.

Hello, I'm Mark Sumero and I am a recovering no addict.

The truth. Oh, the truth. Okay, so this is going to be a really fun conversation style show. I've got some specific questions to ask Marcus and my overall goal truly is that you can take in this episode and have a deeper appreciation for your spouse, regardless if they want to do everything the same way that you're doing it. We've had our fair share of different approaches in parenting, and I have tried frequently to try and control control things, and that's always just blown up in my face. It's created disconnection, resentment, frustration, arguments, and overall just, I think a message of disrespect and unappreciation. Like, you're. I'm sure that's got to be how it feels when I'm just like, don't talk to the kids like that. Or try saying it this way. Like, I mean, how do you feel when I go about correcting you? Let's start there.

First off, it's more when it's in front of the kids because if there's ever like a disagreement between us, I'm just like, let's go talk somewhere else. And sometimes I just get coached right then and there on the spot. And that's where things we differ a little bit on when is appropriate to. To kind of talk about those kinds of things.

Yeah, well, we're just starting this episode with the big guns, aren't we? Marcus is right. That is for sure. One of my weakest areas is I just feel really passionate about things. And I grew up in an environment where it was right to yelling and it was very confrontational and you're addressing something and things escalated and, you know, the loudest voice won. So being in our home, in Marcus's approach and even with our kids, they literally say, mom, talk with your heart. Like, they say the things that I say to them. And I am the one, when it comes to, in our marriage and having something that I Want to talk about that requires a lot of effort for me to learn a whole new way to do it. Whereas with the kids, it just feels so natural. Like, it just feels like, oh, this is great. So Marcus is spot on about me really working on that.

It doesn't happen all the time either.

It's just when it does, though, that is how it goes, for sure. Yeah. So that's what I'm working on. I could really use more yes language in my marriage. That's what I could do more of. Okay, let's. I have a question in mind, though. When you hear me using yes language with the kids, and we just kind of came up with the term yes language for it, really, it's just how I talk to our kids. And then I wanted to teach other people how to do it, and I was like, well, we should probably have a name for this if I'm going to teach other people how to do it. So I've been calling it yes language. When you hear me talk like that with the kids, though, I think it's pretty obvious when I'm doing it because it would be a really easy time. Just like, don't do that, or you can't have that, or, no, we're not going there. So when you hear me using yes language, what are your thoughts about it?

I realized that my answer, like, my prior new me answer would be like, the don't do that or no. And then I listened to Tessa talk to the kids and explain to them, like, what she does want. I'm like, she's actually just telling them exactly what to do instead of saying no, and then telling them not what to do or what not to do. So I realized that, and I was like, well, it's two paths going to the same place, and one delivery is a lot smoother and more direct and effective.

Yes. And that's a really important part. Marcus and I were on a walk. It was a few weeks ago now, and we had kicked around the idea of doing this podcast episode, and he said something that I thought was so brilliant when you were talking about, it's just two different approaches to try and get the same thing. We have the same goal in mind. We want to raise respectful, obedient, creative, confident children that are trustworthy and dependable and reliable. Like, we both want the same things for our kids, and we just have different approaches to get it. Remember when you said that?

I do remember. Yeah.

Yeah. I was hoping you would, like, expound on that.

That's why I thought, babe, whiff. Um, that's what I thought I just had talked about was just having two different.

Do you have more. You want to add to it or just that one?

Well, yeah, the. It's so funny. Anyways, I'm trying to focus. Okay. So she says, yes, we can do that once we're done doing the dishes. And my answer is just no. Okay. What I realized was, is she basically said no, but she said yes. And it was. It was like a light bulb. I was like, dang. She just said the same thing that I said, but I sounded grumpy. I sounded grumpy. And I was just short and sweet. Just. And she just thought about it for two extra seconds. It came out with a nice answer that the boys didn't really react to. And they were still excited to do what they wanted to do, but they did the thing that they needed to do before they. Before the thing that they wanted to do. And. And it went good from there.

Yeah.

And that's all I gotta say about that. Yes.

So a perfect example of this, though, is literally this morning, Mark's and I are laying on her bed, and I was getting something done really quick on my phone, facing towards him. So away from our bedroom door, one of our kids was walking to our room, and I could hear the little footsteps too. And I was finishing this thing. And then Marcus goes, don't look around or don't turn around. What did you say?

I said, don't look over there. Looking at the door, like.

Yeah, so he's looking at the door and I'm looking at him.

So one of our kids had just, like, was standing in the doorway. So.

So he said, don't look over there. And immediately I look over my shoulder into the doorway, and he goes, why? He's like, I just told you, don't look over there. I wanted you to guess who was standing at the door. And I was like, I knew exactly.

What was coming once that happened. Which reminded me of, like, the teachers back in the day saying, what do you think of when you say, don't think of an elephant? It's like you think of an elephant. And then once I said, I just told you not to. And that's when I was like, oh.

I said, this is a perfect example of the times where I tell you to do, like, tell the kids what you want them to do because you just told me not to do something. And my. My mind just automatically did that thing and then we're, like, just laughing about it because it was just a perfect example between I'm A believer.

I'm a believer.

It was a perfect example between two adults doing it. So. Okay, tell me more about when you use no. I feel like I've been very intentionally doing this for a really long time. So the urge to say no and the times that I think, okay, this is a good time for me to say, can't, don't, won't use language like that, especially with the kids, it's so few and far between. I. I mean, I've still just been trying to think, like, when do I think it's necessary for a no to be said or for us to use more of, like, the negative language style? When do I think it's necessary? And it's not that I believe we should only be using yes language. It's just. I want to see when we actually need the negative language, when we're being extremely responsive and intentional. And the more responsive and intentional I've gotten, the more I'm like, oh, I can literally say anything that I want to say using yes language, using just positive words. And you can still use negative words. I want everyone to hear that message. You can still say no. You can still use negative words. It's just fascinating to me, this little test that I've been putting my brain in of. Okay, and can you say it with yes language first? And then I just start there. So for you, when do you think a no or the use of negative language is necessary when parenting the kids?

The use of yes language, no language.

That's what I meant to say. 1.

You probably did say that. I just zoned out for a second.

Me, attention, stand.

So when I say no to the kids, it's super reactive, and it's just no thought whatsoever. If that's just, like. If I have it in my head, like, for instance, just about an hour ago, I built a table for Tessa in the garage, and Tessa and I went to go on a drive real quick. And right before we left, Liam said, hey, can I use these power tools? And. And, like, screw these pieces of wood together? And I was like, no. And then he looks at me all sad, and I was like. But then I answered the question. I was like, we'll do that when we're working on the table again when we're done. And then I thought to myself, dang, I could have just said that the first time and not. And, like, got rid of the no. And it would have been just as effective, and he wouldn't have felt sad. So it was like, dang. So I'm. Anytime I have that knee jerk. No reaction. Now I'm just trying to pause, think about it for a second, and then say what I, what they can do or when we're going to do the thing that they want to do. And it's, it's a lot more, it's, it's more well received, I guess.

Yeah, yeah, I, I agree really, just with the, the kids reception. And I want to clarify it because I know the more I've put this yes mom and yes language content on social media, there's this misconception that it's a perfect script. Like you have to say exactly these words in order to get your kids to cooperate. And you're a yes mom, meaning you're letting your kids call the shots and you're saying yes to anything they want whenever they want it. And to me, that is far from the truth. Far, far from the truth. I mean, someone could follow me around and just like Marcus said, he really, he recognizes I am saying no to a lot of things. I'm just choosing to be someone that focuses on the thing we can do instead of the ever. Like the never ending list of things that I don't want my kids doing or they can't have or where we can't go or what we can't do right now. Like, it's just, I think it's more like a heart posture and a position in your mind where, yes, you recognize this is what the circumstances look like, this is what is available to us. And I'm going to make the best of it. I'm going to be someone that still has a great attitude in these circumstances. So if an adult followed me around all day, they'd be like, wow, she says no all day long. I'm still leading the kids, giving them very clear instruction of what they can do instead of saying, no, you can't do that, but you can do this instead. I'm just, I just go right to the thing that they can do. Maybe I'll throw in a little bit of like, oh, wow, that would be really cool to like jump in the pool off of grandma's wall. Like, wow, that would be really cool. Let's try that again when you're 15. Like something where I'm like, yeah, at five. We'll do that again when we're 15 years old today. Show me how you jump off the diving board. Like, I just, I feel like I'm painting a picture with my kids. Like, I'm inviting my kids into the conversation and I'm, I'm giving room for Their ideas to have a place within my boundaries and our family values so that, like Marcus said, he can see where the kids receive it a lot better. And it's not about controlling their reaction or their response to what we're saying. In my perspective, I just want to say what I mean and mean what I say the first time. I want my kids to know that my words as good as gold and that, like, I. I just want to feel good about what I'm saying and how I say it.

The diff. The difference is she gives clear boundaries. This is what I've noticed. She gives clear boundaries to the kids so they understand what is right and what is wrong with the language that she's using and what I was doing. If. Whether I just said no and just said, like, if they asked it again and said stop asking, they're. I'm basically just saying shutting it down and then letting them guess what the boundary is rather than. I mean, a lot of times I say no, and then I say, you can't do that or because of this, and give them, like, the second half the important part. But that's where I feel like a lot of people are kind of not understanding the thing with boundaries is, like, Tessa is giving clear instructions. They understand there's no confusion on, like, what they. They have to do or what they should do and what they shouldn't. Because she's clearly. She's clearly saying that whenever she does answer the kids. And with, like, the stat that you came, that you saw a while back, where it said there's. They're saying no. 400 parents are saying no like, 400 times a day.

Yeah. UCLA did a study saying that, and they found that toddlers hear the word no upwards of 400 times a day.

So that also means that they're asking 400 things during the day or they're.

Just doing something that someone's like, no, don't do that. They may not have even asked.

They are in the most crucial learning phase, probably of their life, where they're learning all of these things by asking and doing so many things to where they're learning what is right and what's wrong. And if you hear no over and over and over and over and they say, like, when a. Yes. I mean, I guess what I'm trying to say is they're getting so desensitized to the word no that they're just going to keep asking because they hear it all the time. But if it's like, if it is an instance where for some reason that they say no. It's like, oh, dang. She. She just said no. And that's, like, crazy.

Yeah, I. I agree. And there's been lots of research done about how you just said, like, being desensitized to the word no. Kids hear it so much now. The word no lacks value. It lacks meaning. And it's become more of a challenge. Like, it's. It's more instigating to them than directing and. And focusing on the connection. And my. Honestly, my favorite part about the yes language is the connection I feel with my kids. I feel like I am in their hard moment, their confusion, their frustration, their disappointment, their excitement, their joy, their elatement. Like, whatever it is, I feel like I'm really in the emotion and in the problem with them. And I've just maintained a. Maintained a posture of safety for them where it's like, you can let me know how you're feeling and what you're thinking and all the things that you want. And I truly do take interest, and it's my job to keep you safe. It is my job to make sure we do what is in your best interest. And, like, there's. I do think. I mean, that's been proven, too. People are always saying, connect before you correct. Well, using yes language strengthens connection. It shows your kids, I'm listening to you. I. I value what you have to say. I. I appreciate your ideas here. That idea can fit really well right here inside of this boundary. So I appreciate yes language for that purpose very much. And exactly what you said. I believe any parent could use yes language and still teach the values that matter to them, hold the boundaries that they think are important. Like, I want. I want parents to feel like they have a sense of the direction they want their family to go in. I. I only want to teach the yes language, and then I want people to apply it into their unique family dynamic. This matters to me. So for you, if. When you're. I mean, what advice do you have for someone wanting to, like, just get started with yes language? I feel like you shared a little bit of it. It does require you to spend a couple extra seconds getting more mindful of. All right, where. How can I go right to the information, the valuable part of what I'm about to say? What advice do you have for someone that hears what we're saying and they've been doing it one way, the nose, the negative language, because maybe that's what they were raised with or they believe. I mean, I really think people are doing what they're Doing because they believe it works. They believe, like, or they believe this is the best option available to me. That's why they're doing it.

And at the end of the day, they want to keep their kids safe and everything.

So, yeah, we want the same thing.

Which, like, see, like, whenever Tessa goes live on Instagram or anything, I usually hop on and see what she's saying and trying to take notes. But I also see, like, comments saying, like, well, what if. What if. What if they're in danger? And they say something like, you don't run into the street. And this is just something that kind of was, like, the time, look in the doorway type of scenario to where it's like, okay, what do you want them to do? And I feel like the. Where people can. I mean, just, like, what I'm trying to do. And it's still. It doesn't work all the time for me because I just am so reactive and I'm recovering. But when. If I just paused and thought about, like, what are they asking? What do I want the boundary to be? What do I want this to look like? And that pause can be, like, for two seconds instead of 0.2 seconds, and come up with, like, a clear, okay, what do I want them to say? Like, what do I want them to do? And then do it that way to where I'm not just telling them no like I was saying, and letting them guess what I. What I want them to do. Just pausing, I feel like, is the very first step of getting to being able to handle the. The response like you want to.

Yeah. Do you think kids can still learn what the right choice is if you spend very minimal time focused on what the wrong choice was?

So I think, like, I'm trying to come up with a.

Like, hitting their brother if. If one of our boys hit the other. And we spent very minimal time even addressing that. That behavior in the sense of hitting's the wrong choice. You know, hitting's the wrong choice. And we went right into. We walk away when we feel angry or when you feel angry, you can come ask me for help. You can ask me for a stinger. You will treat people respectfully and choose to. I feel like I was just teaching Liam this. You'll be kind to the people and the things in our home while you help yourself when you feel angry. So I spent very minimal time, though, talking about the way he was talking to me and what he was doing to his brother and, like, all the negative things. Do you think he can still learn in these moments? I Feel really angry. This is what I need to be doing, and this is the wrong thing to do.

Yeah. If you spend more time telling them what the positive outcome is for whatever the scenario is, or, like, what. What are the consequences of what happens when this happens? If you're spending more time on the positive, they're going to focus more on the positive and then. And not give so much time on the negative. Like, one thing that Tess and I were talking about was the. The scene in Lion King where he's talking about, like, everything the light touches is yours, but don't ever go over to the original.

Never go be into the shadows.

Yeah. So he's like. He's still telling him. He's telling him what the boundary is, and he's telling him, and then he's like, well, why don't we go over there? And he. And he starts talking about it. Then he ends up. He ends up going there, doesn't he?

Yeah. So the.

That was just a. An example.

But I think it's one of the many examples, though, in our life, in the Bible, in movies and laws and rules where we are told what not to do and people are still doing it. So either way, using negative language or positive. Yes. Language, none of it's foolproof. Where it's like, oh, if you say it this way, you're guaranteed to get the most desirable outcome. Like, I mean, the Ten Commandments, thou shall not commit adultery. Well, people are still committing adultery. And. And that's where free will comes in. And I. I think it's really cool that the more I've put attention and focus into my faith and allowed this. Yes. Language. And protecting connection with my kids to take a. A large role into my parenting. I think it's really cool to see our kids face the natural consequences of their choices, just like God does with us. You're going to commit adultery. Okay, Here are all of the consequences that come with that. It's more of like, here are the. Here are the best guidelines for you to live a really good life. And then if you choose to stray from that, you have free will, and you are going to face consequences from that. And it's not something that's like, oh, why is God doing this to me? It's like, well, these are just the natural consequences of your actions. So we can still teach that ownership and empowerment values that really matter to us without disconnecting from our kids and be like, oh, no, you can't do that. That's like in getting really. Getting really reactive. So do you Worry about our kids going out into the real world and having a hard time hearing someone tell them no.

No. No.

Well, I mean, seriously, that is on top. Besides the question of does your husband do this too? That is sincerely one of how are.

They going to respond to no outside of the home?

Yeah. If you're not telling your kids no, then how are they going to be prepared for the real world? Because jobs are going to tell them no, girlfriends are going to tell them no, friends opportunities like colleges are going to tell them no. Your kids have to be ready to hear the word no. And I just think it's really interesting that because you think the world is going to treat your child this way, you're going to start treating your child that way. Instead of, here, let me equip you with the best possible mindset to navigate objections and to regulate during frustration and to pick yourself up during rejection. Instead, it's just, well, they think the life skill is to tell their kids no. Well, really, the life skill is what happens after the no.

Like I was saying earlier, I think that, I think as they grow older, they're going to understand that, oh, these are all just boundaries and people have different ways of giving boundaries. And it's just like, I mean, it's just like trying to figure out. I'm trying to think of like a, like a study or something that when you, when you do a study, you think of what could happen, what maybe might not happen. When they get exposed to one way at home, they're learning one way. When they get exposed. I mean, they've got plenty of that from me. So it's like they've, I think they're, they're going to be able to understand. No. Coming from whether it's like grandparents, teachers, like, if they. I think they're just going to understand the difference as they grow older and as we kind of teach them, like, hey, this is people. People say this and, but also people communicate like we do and, and either, like, we just. That's when you just get into like the respecting your elders and.

Yeah. And equipping your kids to understand, like, hey, you have a choice to make. You can talk like them or you can talk like us. Which one feels better to think about, which one feels better to say to.

People, yeah, you're just getting exposed to all these different ways of doing things and then picking which one you feel like is the best.

That was, that was another piece of encouragement I wanted to put in this episode because there could very well be a, a mom or a dad, like, one person's listening to this episode, like, yes, I want to use yes language. And then the other person is just, like, really sold on their way of doing things, and they're. That's just what they want to do right now. And I always like to think if you and I are doing things differently, like when you tell the kids no or say they can't do something, and I just really appreciate that you're willing to acknowledge this is reactivity. It's like, if we look at it, which one's more effective, you recognize the yes language is more effective, and it feels better. And there's still habits and reactivity to work through. What I. What encouragement I wanted to give the listeners was the. The power of diversity. Diversity is excellent for our kids. So if you're. If you're parenting this way, like you're in your motherhood, you're using yes language, and this is how you're committed to speaking to your kids.

And.

And then they hear no from dad. That diversity is excellent for their development. It's excellent for teaching additional skills. Like Marcus said, holding true to your values. Like, well, what do you model to your kids when people are doing things in a different way than you would do them? How can we still respect and appreciate and welcome people to sit at our table even when they do things differently than we do? And that diversity, I always. I always personally, really, really appreciate it. So when we go around grandparents or aunts and uncles or friends, and I hear people tell my kids no or don't touch that. You can't do that, I feel totally at peace. I feel completely unbothered by it, because I believe in the. The power and the. Just the gosh, the connection that yes, language has. Has built within our family, that it's all right if things are said differently in other areas.

Yeah. I think, like, if the kids are exposed to. I'm trying to come up with examples that make it easier to understand. Like if they tied a fish hook a certain way that they knew is really good, and then later on they were exposed to another way that was. You're still tying the hook on the string, but you learn that this way is a little bit more durable. Like the. Doesn't snag. Snag as much or whatever the case may be, then your kids have the option, like, I can keep doing. This way's easy and it works. Or this weighs a little bit better and it works. Now they have. Now they're starting to get options. And then the thing with that is the More. The more you know, the more you don't know.

The more you know, you don't know.

Yeah. Isn't that what I just said?

You said the more you know, the more you don't know. The more you know, the more you know, you don't know.

Yeah. Yeah.

It's an awareness level. Yeah.

So they start. Once that starts increasing and they start realizing that there's one or two more ways to do a certain thing, then they. Two years down the road, there's like, oh, dang, there's like a hundred different ways of doing this thing. And then they. You get them into that mindset to where it's like, it's not just a one way works. And this is the only way that I'm going to do the things for the rest of my life.

Yeah.

I feel like once you teach them, hey, throughout life, you're going to learn how to do things, and then you're going to learn how to do those things better. Throughout their life, I feel like that you're raising kids for success, doing it that way with a growth mindset rather than a limited.

Yeah, what about. Okay, let's say this. Mom's starting with yes language. The dad has been digging his heels in. Anytime she's tried to bring up the topic of, hey, let's. Let's try speaking more positively to the kids. I'm working on telling them more things that I, like, want them to do and providing clear instruction. Or maybe she's corrected him a couple of times. Like, I remember, I just so badly wanted to help. That was the thing is, like, I could see how things were escalating between you and the boys, and I just so badly wanted to, like, insert myself. So I was trying to find the most kind and respectful way to do that. And I even asked Marcus. I'm like, are you okay with. Like, I agree with you. You know, the way we communicate with each other, especially in front of the kids, is extremely important. And I always want our kids to believe that we're on the same side, that we've got each other's back, that we're united in parenting. And there are times that I've noticed when you're communicating with the kids, things get escalated really quickly. So would you be okay with me just saying, tell them what to do or teach him? Like, can I just provide, like, a little. A little guidance in that moment? And would that still be respectful? And I remember you told me, yes. So that was kind of like my line for a while when. When it would go to reactivity of don't do that or you can't do that or whatever it was. I would just say tell them what to do. And I would kind of do it like a little singy way, just trying to control myself. That's really what I needed to do was become more mature. I still need a lot of this, a lot more maturity to be able to just quietly observe and hold and maintain compassion for everyone involved. I have improved on that. And your girl's got some, some growth. So my question for you though is how could you. What do you think is the best move for a wife to make if she wants her husband to start using. Yes. Language more with the kids?

For me, seeing you do it and seeing the results that you get from doing it has probably been the biggest motivator for me to start talking that way with the kids. So just seeing an example has probably been the best way for me to say, oh, dang, there we're going to. To the exact same route. And I'm mad and you're not. So that's a. There's a pretty big time realization to where. And I feel like I have a growth mindset to where I'm like, okay, the her way is working and I'm not. I'm not going to be on a sitting on a high horse saying that my way is better when I'm over.

There walking the horse instead of riding it.

Middle. Middle of a battle in a. Like a. Who can. Who can with a kid. Like being in a battle with the kids, just kind of an. An argument that just keeps. You can kind of just see it going up and up and up. And the kids have a lot higher pitch in their voice, so their screams usually keep going. Yeah, yeah, they. They get up there, which their pitch matches my temper when that happens.

So. So very human things.

Yeah. But yeah, what. Just seeing an example of doing it makes me want to do it better for like how I'm. How I'm executing it.

So I've also noticed the same thing with bedtime too. Like, it was years ago. Marcus had a completely different bedtime approach than I had with the kids. And my way, I just felt so stressed and exhausted and like irritable by time. We were going into bedtime and then his way, the kids were laughing and cooperating with him and listening really well and falling asleep at least 20 minutes faster than they would with me. I mean, sometimes an hour faster than they would with me. And I was finally just like, what. What do you do? I mean, we just had this happen with Jake too, where when he puts Jake to sleep, he goes to sleep so fast. And then when I try to put Jake to sleep, It'll take like 35 or 40 minutes. And like it's, it's just about asking like, wow, what you're doing is working. What are you doing? And then being like Marcus said, open minded enough to say, wow, that works really well. I think the key too is I, I love this idea of let up on them and double down on you. Like when you really want to help someone, when you really want to inspire change in them, you gotta let up on them and just double down on yourself by doing your own work, focusing on your own tone, focusing on the, your words that you're using, your actions, your routines, like what time are you going to bed, what time are you waking up? And double down on you to do exactly what Marcus said. Set that example, that inspires. And it's the power of positive influence. And in the research done with positive influence, it can take six months of just modeling a behavior with a good attitude in front of someone before they decide on their own to like, okay, I'm going to do that too. I want to try doing that. Wow, that looks, that looks really enjoyable. That looks really good. I want to do that too. And giving other people the time and the space to make that decision for themselves, that's when it's lasting and it's free of re, it's free of resentment and resistance where you finally feel like you're both doing it together. My little word of encouragement though is it's your words. Like, you get to choose what words come out of your mouth. And regardless if it's how everyone in your home is going to talk or just you, you're responsible for every word that comes out of your mouth. So it's all on you. And when it comes to you individually, if you're, if your spouse, their dad needs a little bit more time, that's totally fine. And it is completely insane to blame someone else for the words that you choose to use. Like, that is one of the few things in life that we get to control entirely what we choose to say and how we choose to say it. So if you're the dad wanting to start before your wife or the mom wanting to start before the dad, whatever it is, you can start, you can just decide today, today is going to be a yes day. I'm.

Yeah. Even if it's like one or two.

Just one day at a time, situations.

That are, yeah, one situation in the day that's even better because I'm sure most parents have experienced like, the. They talk to their kids the way. In a way that they were like, dang, I feel crappy right now. Like, I just handled that extremely poorly. They're mad or sad, and I, I feel ashamed of how I just handled that situation when it could have just been not even a situation by the. Just thinking about how you're speaking to your kids or the, the words that you're deciding to use and eliminating that feeling, which I feel like just that in itself is, Is a reason to just try saying things a different way to where it's like, I don't, I don't like it when I feel that way after I talk to the kids and you make that switch and you make that decision to change and you're like, okay, I feel way better. It's not perfect the first couple times. They still might argue the first couple times, and you're just figuring it out. But it's like that when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel of, like the tunnel of shame. You see that light and all of a sudden you get there and it's like, oh, dang, the kids respond to me way better. The. I'm setting way clearer boundaries and just my relationship with my kids is tenfold because of the decision I chose to do.

Yeah. And you. One of just. One of my favorite things with my kids is the trust transfer instead of the power struggle. So, so often it's talked about, oh, you're into this power struggle with your kids. And instead of putting myself in a position for power struggles, I like to look at it as trust transfers. So when my kids are attempting to argue with me or push a boundary or, I mean, goodness, our three and five year old are really, they're. They do these things. I look at it as a trust transfer. Like, I'm going to clearly instruct and quietly wait. And in that time spent quietly waiting, I am transferring the trust I have in you over to you. I'm transferring the trust over to you, and I'm keeping my hope for you so high. Because kids rise to meet the level of belief we have in them. So I keep my belief in them extremely high and my trust in them high. And then I just, I look at that time. Instead of it being a power struggle, I look at it as, this is the trust transfer. This is when I wait for you to meet the level of belief I have in you because I know you'll rise up to it and That, I mean, that alone reserves my patience tenfold. It definitely helps tremendously. So what I would love to do is on the next podcast episode, I will do a podcast episode about yes Language. What it is, what it is not. Clear up some of these misconceptions around being a pushover or just walk like walking on eggshells, or you can't say no at all anymore. Let's get out of the all or nothing mentality. Let's get into more of an open mind about what this can look like for you. Now that we understand, there are totally times that my husband says, no, you can't do that. You can't have that. I've noticed, especially recently, since I've been making so much yes. Mom content, I've noticed you, like, will say it, and then you'll say what I mean is, or what I meant to say is, and then you like to say the yes language followed after it. And I just. I feel really giddy and. And very grateful every time. Every time I hear you do it.

Yeah, I'm definitely at the stage where it's a no, and then I tell them what to do.

So, yeah, we're getting closer.

We're getting there.

Yeah. Got to replace your no with whoa, whoa. Here.

I have been doing that too. Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey.

Yeah, yeah. If we want to reserve the power of it. So the next episode, I'm going to equip you guys with some more just information, understanding, a few more tools. And remember that in the notes below, I will link the membership for you guys. I have 21 incredible lessons inside of the Momset membership right now under yes Mom Campus. So we're creating a whole framework in there for you to master using yes Language. This idea of transferring trust clearly instruct quietly wait. Your boundaries, your values just get really clear and from the place you want to parent from and understand that yes Language, which is just positive language, can help you do all of those things. It can help you teach all of the things that really matter to you. So I'll link that in the show notes below. We'd love to see inside the membership. It's crazy. Just on day one of people having access to those lessons, they were experiencing huge wins and day one was just about mindset. So I'm really excited to see how this continues to grow and evolve and the resources that we create to accompany it. So if you're already inside of the Monster membership, just thanks so much for being there. Being a light, being someone that, gosh, such amazing conversations, encouragement and questions are shared in there. So I'm really grateful for it. Babe. Thanks for joining us on the show. We always love hearing from you. Yep. My recovering addict. Recovering. No addict.

Make sure you add that in there.

You said at the beginning. Okay, friends, we're wrapping up. We'll see you next time.

See you.