148. A Yes Mom Is MORE Authentic

Oh, my friend, I truly hope that this episode hits you like a wave of encouragement. Encouragement to speak more kindly and positively to your kids and everyone in your home and outside of your home as well. I think we can agree that as we truly observe the state of the world and the collective perspectives that are being shared, there is an overwhelming amount of negativity and fear. And I want to encourage us to have more positivity in our hearts and in our minds and to think more from a place of faith rather than fear, which I know can feel extremely difficult to do. Believe me, I face it too. And this yes. Language. What I've been teaching on social media, in the momset membership, through yes mom campus, and now here on the podcast as well, and is my efforts in doing that. It's my efforts in strengthening the connection between everyone inside of your home and giving you a perspective that equips you to show up as the best version of yourself every single day. Because to me, that's how we're going to see this world shape and morph into something positive and beautiful is if we all show up as positive and beautiful individuals that occupy this world and communicate with one another. So that's, that's where I'm coming from today. We're going to talk more about using yes. Language and overcoming some of this fear where it's like, well, if I'm using yes. Language and I'm saying yes to my kids, then I must just let them off the hook or I'm going to be really inauthentic. I'm supposed to be perfectly composed all of the time. And all of those things are false. All of those things are false. So I'm gonna share a little personal story that inspired this episode and then we will dig into it more to help you implement it as well. So yesterday my 3 year old was really craving attention from his two older brothers. And in that craving of attention, he goes up to them and and just starts pestering. I mean, he's poking them, poking and prodding, right? Stoking the fire, he's throwing toys at them, he's pulling their hair, he's running up and grabbing something and then running away from them. And I am cooking dinner in the kitchen and I've got my baby with me and I'm just observing all this. And I know this is my 3 year old's bid for connection. And my two other boys play so awesome together that my 3 year old frequently feels left out. And it's a hard place to be feeling left out. And he's still at an age where he's learning how to kindly ask to be included and to even understand that that's what he wants truly, like at the heart of things. Does he, my 3 year old, even understand that he's seeking connection? Do my 7 and 5 year old truly understand that their 3 year old brother wants to play with them? Because at the superficial labor layer of it all, first glance it looks very different than that. It looks like he wants to hurt them. It looks like he just wants to annoy them, bother them, get a rise out of them. And I just refuse to believe any of that. And that comes back to our strength, our strength and perspective of our kids. Are you willing to have a generous perspective of each and every one of your children, especially in their hard moments where it'd be really easy to think, oh, there he goes again, just pestering, annoying, instigating, being the sto, the pot stirrer. All of that is just perspective. It's not fact. Factually, we can look at the circumstance for what it is and be able to emphasize the points of it like that's what we'd be able to do factually. So anyway, have first and foremost the most generous perspective you possibly can of your children, especially in their hard moments. Because my three year old, I understand he's seeking connection. My five and seven year old see it differently. I understand that my three year old desperately wants to be included in their play and it feels hurtful to be like the outsider of it all. So anyway, this is taking place, right? My three year old's doing this to my five and seven year old. Then my five year old turns around and just starts whale like just saying hurtful things to my 3 year old and hitting him, which only instigates what my 3 year old's doing more. And then now they're hitting each other back and forth and it's basically just come down to who's going to get the last hit in. And they're both very adamant of being the one getting the last hit in. So at this point I wash off my hands and I am honestly feeling extremely frustrated, like I'm watching my kids hurt each other. And then we, with my five year old, how long have we been teaching? Walk away when you feel upset, ask for help. Walk away. I mean, so many times we've had repeated exposure to all of it. And again, this comes back to perspective though. Who am I to say how quickly my children learn a lesson? Who am I to say how many exposures it will take for them to finally get it, that is outside of my scope and control as their mother. And it's only going to put me in a very frustrating position to determine how quickly they should learn something, be it for food, sleep, social skills or their mathematics. Right? Their, their grammar, their reading, their spelling. It's the same thing. It's the same thing. We just. And, and it comes back to this question, well, how many times am I supposed to teach this? Until they learn it. And honestly, if the lesson of walk away when you feel upset matters that much to me, why do I care how many times I'm teaching it if I love it that much? If I am so devoted to that lesson, to that value and principle, why does it matter how many times I would teach it to my kids? Wouldn't I be excited to teach it again and to see little progress in the right direction? Yes. So anyway, again comes back to our mindset and motherhood makes all the difference. And I did feel frustrated in that moment, right? Full, full authenticity. I felt angry. It felt like a stress response in my nervous system. And I felt that surge of energy through my arms where I wanted to be the one hitting. I wanted to be the one to say the mean thing, to smack his hand or rip him away from his brother. Like, I felt that surge of energy and it took so much discipline to choose to do something different. And I walked up to my 5 year old and I did take his hand and I gently guided him towards the hallway. And I did tell him, I said, do you know how badly mommy wants to spank you right now? Do you know how badly mommy wants to spank you right now? Mind you, this is just my personal experience. I'm not classifying this as parenting advice. I'm just telling you authentically what happened. Because this idea of you gotta be perfectly composed all the time, you're never gonna feel dysregulated, you're never gonna have hard moments, you're never gonna say things in a less than perfect way to your kids is completely unrealistic. And that is going towards perfectionism rather than excellence. I want to hold myself to a standard of excellence. And I, I stopped concerning myself with perfection. I just focus on excellence. What's the most excellent thing I can do right now? What's the most excellent standard I can hold myself to? And then I strive for that and that feels a lot better. So anyway, I tell my 5 year old, do you know how bad mommy wants to spank you right now? And trust me, I had his full attention. We Walked to his room and he sits on his bed and I tell him I do feel very angry seeing how you treated your brother. And I do want to spank you and I'm choosing to walk away with you instead. I, I'm choosing to talk about it with you just like mommy tells you to do. I'm choosing to do that even though I want to spank you. That would be the easy thing for mommy to do right now. And I told him it's time for you to start doing what is right over what is easy. And I mean that message and I'm okay with saying that to my 5 year old. I personally, I personally stand behind the tone I used the words I selected and the way I modeled that. And to me there's this idea of like if you're a yes mom, then you're letting your kids off the hook for their behavior. And I view it the exact opposite. I believe you actually address the behavior effectively. You model regulation that they can mirror from you, an emotional tone you want them to mirror. And rather than escalating to meet their aggressive energy, you have the discipline and self control to, to stay level and regulated longer, which allows them to de. Escalate, deescalate and respect your calm authority. Calm authority. Oh that, that is so much more reassuring and it feels so much more safe to follow than someone that's like frantically screaming. Do you seriously want to follow someone that is yelling at you, calling you names, belittling you, criticizing you, shaming you, yelling? I mean, do you want to follow someone like that? Do you trust their leadership? Or would you trust the leader that expresses calm authority that comes from a place of speaking low and, and stern in their tone? Like you can just tell they mean it by their tone rather than their volume. And I would follow a leader like that more when I trust their self control and their self discipline, that's personally who I would want to follow. So I'm just trying to develop myself into the leader that my kids would actually want to follow and I would personally want to follow. And there is so much for me to learn in the process. Guys, I'm only 31 years old. I'm doing the best I can. I'm raising four young boys that I want to grow up to be strong, well minded men, full of discipline, full of compassion, full of leadership and integrity. And it's up in my mind, it's up to my husband and I to model those things to them rather than just expect that to accidentally happen. I refuse to, I refuse to rely on Just coincidences and accidents. I'm going to be as intentional as possible. So. So in this, in this story of how I talk to my son, it takes me back to also this perspective of are we expecting our kids to do things that we ourselves are unwilling to do? Are you expecting your kids to walk away when they feel angry and you yourself are unwilling to do that? Are you expecting your kids to speak kindly when they feel upset and you yourself are unwilling to speak kindly when you feel upset? That matters. It matters. Our kids are following our example more than our instructions. So you can say that you instruct your kids to do all these things and you use yes, language and you instruct them and it is your example that they will imitate more strongly than your instructions. And while both are crucial, both matter. Obviously, the way we instruct our kids using yes language is extremely effective because of their development and the psychology that supports it. We're talking about cognitive priming, we're talking about self fulfilling prophecies, just literally how the brain works. And that is well worth looking into. Well worth looking into. And another example of this just working really effectively in my home is using yes language and the way that I address my kids complaining. Because most times when kids are complaining, adults are saying, no, stop complaining. Oh, your whining is so frustrating. I can't stand it. I already told you no. Why are you still asking about it? Why are you still, why are you still talking about it when really that teaches zero life skills. Zero. It teaches nothing about regulation, teaches nothing about perspective, teaches nothing about problem solving. It's just convenient. It's literally just, how do I get you to do what is convenient for me, what is comfortable for me right now? And it's easy. It's so much easier to say no than to teach your kids what complaining is. Why are you telling your kids to stop doing something that they don't even know what it is? How are they going to decide for themselves that they want to be someone that focuses on problem solving instead of complaining when they don't even know the difference between the two? Like this is. This is. It's so exciting. It is. So I want you to feel excited about teaching this and leading this way in your home and with your kids. Because just imagine the way that they are going to approach everyday circumstances, large problems happening in the world if they have the kind of mindset that says, wait, I can do something about that. Oh, here's a life skill that I have. Yes, I feel angry about this and I can still speak kindly could you imagine the world? Could you, could you imagine their relationships, the standards in which they hold themselves to. I get very excited about it. So with complaining though, my 7 year old is complaining and I taught him, I said, buddy, complaining teaches your brain. When you talk about it like that, it's called complaining. And complaining teaches your brain to make the problem bigger. Does the problem feel bigger right now? And he told me, yeah. I'm like, yeah, the problem feels a lot bigger because you're complaining. And that tells your brain to make the problem bigger. Asking questions teaches your brain to make the problem smaller. It breaks down the problem and you start getting answers. And when you have all those answers, you start solving problems. So what is the best question you could ask me right now to solve this problem you are facing? And I've been teaching that pretty consistent, like super consistently for about, gosh, it's been relatively recent, maybe two months. And it turned into just a reminder where he would start complaining. And now I just say, what does complaining do? And they say makes the problem bigger. And when I say they, I mean my 7 year old, my 5 year old and my 3 year old have all caught on to this just by listening, just by hearing me say it to my 7 year old, they've all caught it. They've all caught it. And to me that means I, it's not about what's taught, it's about what's caught. So I must have taught it in a way that it was safe. The tone resonated, the message landed and I was telling them, I understand what you're trying to get, you're trying to get a solution, I understand that. Here's how you can do that. Right? I related to them. So if they all caught the message, my three year old included, if they all caught the message, then I love the way I taught that and I want to do that more for them. Like it's, it's truly just understanding how our kids are learning and my kids personally, in our home, they, they shut down, they, they become incapable of learning. When I yell and I'm speaking harshly and I am criticizing them and I'm disconnecting myself from them, I'm withdrawing myself from them, they shut down. So I've just learned through personal experience, I've got to do better than that. If I, if this matters so much to me, then I, I mean if I, if I love the lesson I'm trying to get them to learn, then shouldn't I be excited to teach it again? Shouldn't I be grateful that we have another opportunity to instill this lesson personally. Yes, that's the way I view it. And that helps me. That helps me. People are like, oh my gosh, you must have so much patience to use all this yes language. In the majority of communication with my kids, it requires zero patience. It's a lot of intention. Yes, zero patience though. Patience for me is when it comes down to trying to co regulate with my 5 year old, that requires patience. Putting my baby to sleep when he feels overtired and it's been over 30 minutes, that requires patience. Now I feel my patience kicking in and when I can save my patience for times like that, then it's there, it's ready for me to use. Communication requires intention. This is, that's my perspective. Communication requires more intention than it does patience. And that is a perspective that helps greatly. So now I can just remind my kids I can, I can give them a little trigger phrase that gets them thinking. This way they start complaining and I just say, what does complaining do? And they say makes the problem bigger. I say, okay, well how do we make the problem smaller? And they say, ask questions. I say, all right, so what's the best question you could ask right now? And then they asked me a question and I kid you not. Yesterday. So I've been doing this for about 2 months now. Yesterday, my 7 year old started complaining and before I said a single word, he noticed. I literally saw, I, I was watching him, I saw the moment that he recognized what he was doing and then he asked a question and I just felt so, so fulfilled. So that was such a reward. It was so delightful. And I know, I know that when we commit to using yes language, to being a yes mom, you say what you mean and mean what you say the first time. You love what you say and how you say means that you hold yourself and your children to higher standards. You do address things in a way that allows them to be worked through. Rather than seeing your kids are in a problem and trying to like, get out of it as quickly as possible, you face the problem with them. You, you face it and you stay in it and you work through it with them. Because that is what a family does. That's what I believe. And I, I just, I hope you can hear how passionate I feel about this and that you, that there's a couple of nuggets in here that really click and resonate for you and at the end of it you just feel even more encouraged and steadfast in your pursuit to be your kids biggest advocate and cheerleader and to speak to them as if they are generous, compassionate and caring leaders. Because that is exactly who they're going to become if that is how you're speaking to them. We fill our home with words. And ultimately the words that we fill our home with are. Are shaping the people in our home. And that is true. That is. That is a reality that we are all facing. And there's a lot of things outside of your control in this world, in everyday life. And I'm telling you, we do get to control the words in which we use with our kids and other people. And that matters. And it makes a huge difference. A huge difference. So this is the hill I die on, friends. It really is. I'm excited to see you using more yes Language, being a yes mom and understanding that while yes it's backed by science, it's also loved by parents. I've. We just wrapped up. We're wrapping up our yes mom challenge inside the momset membership right now. We had hundreds of moms participating with us. And I mean, they were experiencing benefits day one, using our framework and tools. And how good would it feel just for you to know that. That you say yes more than you say no? You use positive language and you reserve all the negative words for when you really need them, which is really rare. Really rare that you actually need a no or can't or don't or won't. There are very few things that we actually can't do. Very few. You can't take back something after you said it. You can't go back and change the past. Like you, there are very few things we can't do. So true. Honestly, being a yes mom, you just become a more truthful communicator. And you speak from a place of faith more frequently than you do from fear, which feels really good for you. So just imagine communicating like that. And that is what it means to be a yes Mom. So I hope this episode landed well for you, gave you some inspiration, encouragement to help you keep going. I know you can do it. So speak kindly to your kids, hold yourself to extremely high standards of excellence and stop considering perfection, but just focus on excellence. I'll see you guys real soon.