149. Scripture Supports Yes Language

Have you ever wondered, now that you're getting into this yes language and positive mindset, do you have thoughts that come up that leave you wondering? Shoot. Am I supposed to be saying more negative things? Am I supposed to be thinking more negative things? Don't my kids. Do you have these concerns? Don't my kids need me to tell them what not to do in order to understand it? Like, I think I need more negativity. Like maybe the thought comes across different for you. It's so valid to have these concerns though. And since I've been sharing so much about yes language, I decided to go back to the ultimate source of truth, which for me is the Bible. It's all right there in writing, plain as day. And I've been reading through my Bible to try and see, you know, is yes language supported by scripture. If I were to reference and just hold the two up against each other, what I'm doing with yes language and what scripture advises me to do in forms of communication and my, my form of thought, what it's telling me to do, do they align? And I'm so glad that I did this personally for myself. It has felt so good to just take these tools and attach them, anchor them into biblical principle. And that's why I wanted to create this podcast episode. So quick little update for you guys. Also on my Bible reading journey, cuz we are at our three year mark now. I just started using the English Standard version Bible. I literally just got it in the mail last week because I read all through the new Living translation and I absolutely loved it. So now I wanted to try another translation and I'm basically just reading it all over again and I absolutely love it. So for my Bible reading friends, I'm going to link below the Bibles that I absolutely love. The first Bible I ever read was the children's the Jesus, the storybook Bible. Completely love that. I read a story out of that to my kids every day after homeschool is done. Still love that one. And again, I read the new living translation. Absolutely loved that. And now I'm in the English Standard Version. And I started that this week and it came at such a good time for me because truly the world has felt heavy and my mind has been clouded very quickly by some foggy frustrations. So. So I've been in my Bible a lot more, just truly trying to grip truth, right? And just keep my mind and my heart posture in that position. So this podcast episode is hopefully gonna help you do the exact same thing. So I'm gonna go Through. Looks like I've got seven scriptures for us to go through. Yep. And we're gonna be referencing the English Standard version. So first, let's do a quick recap on what yes language is so we can have a good understanding of what it is that we're trying to support. Being a yes mom and using yes language, building a yes family is the way I've been looking at it. Like I want to have a yes family. And a yes family is very values driven and character oriented. So we know what our values are and we understand the character that we want to build up in each other. And that's the way I look at it. So I want my communication to be supportive of the character I'm building and anchored in the values that I'm teaching. So that way, when I walk into a room and there's a lot going on in that room, there's a mess and there's dirty laundry and there's drawing on the wall and there's paint with a cap off of it. There's three beds left unmade because three of my boys share a room, right. I walk into a room like that and. And my kids are hitting and fighting each other. When I parent from values, which yes language supports me doing, I know exactly what I'm going to teach in that moment. And I'm able to cut through with laser focus. All of those distractions like the mess, the paint, the laundry, the drawing on the wall, all that's just a distraction. I came in that room for conflict. We're learning social skills now and that's a value. Social skills are a value. So I see it more as opportunity to teach and guide, build charact. That's what yes language supports us doing. And when, when we're communicating this way, it does come across more kind, more gentle. And the reason for that is because you're focused, you remain regulated longer. So instead of reacting from a stress response, which most people that are speaking really negatively and harshly and frantically really quickly, it's coming from a stress response. They are in a state of stress, fight, flight or freeze, and they are communicating from that place. So it comes across really negative. And we tend to look at that as, oh, that's the authority, right? Like that. No, that's the real confidence, that's the real authority. And I just so strongly disagree with that. Because when we think of authority and who we trust most, the person that is level headed and has high levels of emotional intelligence and you always see them be very responsive and thoughtful, you respect that person more you seek that person out as a source of authority and leadership far more than someone that you're like, oh man, I'm going to take this problem to them and they're just going to absolutely lose their mind. I feel afraid to even like mention this, them, the person like that. So one is loud for sure. The negativity, reactivity, stress response is very loud. And that, like, kids stop listening when we get really loud because it's stressful for them. So when we're using yes language, we're coming from a regulated position and that is called calm authority. You're communicating with calm authority. So again, value centered, character based. So we're building character. And then it's more than just using positive language. Like if your kids say, hey, can I eat frosting for breakfast? And you're like, okay, I'm using this yes language. How do I say yes to frosting for breakfast? How do I say yes to the character I want to build in my child? How do I say yes to the values that matter to our family? Wow, frosting does taste really good. We're actually saving that for the Halloween cookies that we're decorating. We will have a well balanced breakfast. You know, we have protein with every breakfast. You're welcome to choose the fruit you want with it. Now would you like the ham or the eggs? Like, all of that was positive yes language that I use just in that random example about breakfast. So when we want to bring, like bring up a yes family. And again, I'm going to show you where in scripture it's completely supported by this. When we want to bring up a yes family, we are recognizing like, I am the leader. My kids can ask me anything and everything that they want to ask me and I'm the leader of which direction I take it from there. Am I going to just argue back and forth? No, you can't have frosting for breakfast. Well, why not? Why do we have it out if we can't have it? This is so unfair. You know, we can't have frosting for breakfast. Like it just turns into this argument. First of all, why am I choosing to argue? That's a choice. I am more in a calm authority position when I recognize I get to decide which direction this goes in. And, and another benefit of using yes language, just a quick recap for everyone, is you say what you mean and mean what you say the first time. So your first answer is good enough to withstand or all of the pushback questions follow up that may come from your kids because perseverance is a good thing. Persistency is a good thing. I just want to make sure the answer that I give the first time is the best answer I have so that my kids learn my mom's word is good as gold. And then by default, they're going to learn, wait, my word is good as gold too, which is a value that we're teaching. So there's lots that we can say on that. I do want to tie this back into scripture. Now that we understand that when I say, yes, family, that does not mean we're just walking around saying, yes, you can stay up till midnight. Of course you can have frosting for breakfast. Yes, you can run into the middle of the street and all the traffic. Absolutely not. Okay. Yep. We are just more kind, intentional, sincere and faithful communicators when we do this. And here's where it proves it in Scripture. Let's dive in, friends. The first scripture reference that I have is Proverbs 15:1. A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. And I was talking with, I was talking about this point in scripture with my son this morning, my 7 year old, and I asked him, what do you think that means? He goes, I don't know. I was like, well, when mommy says something really mean to you, how do you feel? He goes, angry or sad? And I'm like, okay, yeah. So when we say mean things, harsh words so stir up anger. That's what this verse is telling us. Harsh words stir up anger, and then a soft answer turns away wrath. So when mommy really listens to your question, and I have a soft answer, and I'm helping you see what we can do right now, or when we will do that thing you're asking, or what is available to us right now, how do you feel? And he said, safe. Yes, you feel safe because a soft answer turns away wrath. So Proverbs 51, I think is one of the strongest examples of this. A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Really recognize in your parenting, in your marriage, in your life, when are you giving all these harsh words that stir up anger? Instead, you could be using yes language to provide soft answers that turn away wrath. And it works brilliantly with kids especially. Next verse I wanted to reference is Matthew 12, verse 36, 37. I tell you, on the day of judgment, people will give account for every careless word they speak. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned. That one just smacks you with a level of accountability that you're like, oh, goodness, okay. And it's true, though, like, who gets to decide what you're gonna say for you? I love this level of accountability because no matter what's happening in my parenting, in my marriage, in my life, no matter what, I always get to decide what I think, say, and do about it. Mostly I get to decide what I'm going to say and think about it. I know what we're going to choose to do about it can come down to resources. A lot of times I experienced that too. I've had a lot of health reactions, like skin reactions this past month, and it has felt very challenging. And I just keep coming back to this idea of I do get to decide what I think, say and do about this. I'm the one deciding what I think about my skin. I'm the one deciding what I say about my health, my faith, my. My skin, my. Just everything in this moment, I, at the very least, get to decide what I think and say about it. And then I'm gonna recognize what all of my options are and what my resources available to me and decide what I'm gonna do with that. And I just love this accountability of. On my judgment day, I want my words to justify me rather than condemn me. And when we think about that in our parenting, we are parenting truly the most innocent form of life. Children, they only know, teach them. They. We have far more lived experience than they do. They. I mean, they are so innocent. So innocent. So I. I weigh this especially heavy in my parenting. Like, I will be judged on every careless word I speak to my kids. I'll be judged on every single one. So what do I want to hear on my judgment day? And I just, I love to look at it that way. Next we're gonna look at James 1, verse 19. James 1, verse 19. Know this, my beloved brothers. Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. How? We've heard that one, right? Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anchor. Know this, my beloved brothers. Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. Yes, language is completely in support of this because we get out of that reactivity and into responsive natures with our parenting. And we do need to be more responsive if we're going to use yes, language. And being responsive means you listen before you speak, you reserve your words and protect that energy so much better, which in turn makes you slow to anger. Next we have Proverbs 12:18. There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. So our rash words are like a thrust of a sword. They're sharp, they're painful, they're hurtful, they're damaging. And the tongue of the wise brings healing. So when we think about this in our parenting, what does the tongue of the wise say in those moments where, yes, there is danger, there is threat, there is harm, there is hurt? You still have the tongue of the wise. And the tongue of the wise brings healing to those moments. Especially. I think about this all the time. Especially the moments where our kids are already having a hard time. I tell my husband, gasoline on fire. Bless him. You guys know he loves to use yes. Language too. And there have been times where before him picking up the S. Language more, it did seem like we are pouring gasoline on a fire. There's already a fire. There's already a flame, a spark. Why instigate more of it? Like, let's be that fire blanket that. Like those. Those safety blankets that you lay to put out the fire. Like that. Wise words bring healing. The wise brings. The tongue of the wise brings healing. Okay, uh, next one. Proverbs 16:24. Gracious words are like a honeycomb. So sweetness to the soul and health to the body. Yes, absolutely. In our parenting. And we can reference this to every part of our life. Like I mentioned, I've been going through some skin reactions this past month, and gracious words are like honeycomb. They reduce stress. And what we're experiencing with our kids, the conflict, the disruptions to the harmony of the home, is the aftermath of stress. So where can we use our words, gracious words, to be like that? Honeycomb. Sweetness to the soul and health to the body, the family body. That's what our words can do. It's such a. Such a powerful way for us to be looking at. Yes. Language to be so much more than, like, permissive or passive. Absolutely not. I will add on this note, when we're using yes. Language, we're actually more engaged. We're more involved. We're more aware and responsive. Rather than letting things go unnoticed for so long or unaddressed for so long, and then experiencing the repercussions of that, well, now we have this big, big, huge thing instead. You actually stay in the problem and you face problems and stay in the problems with your kids because you're using your words as guidance for them. You are helping them find the answers themselves through your words. And that's a really powerful thing to do. Because when our kids get to find the answers themselves, we have guided them to finding it and thus they're going to remember it more especially when they're away from us, because the fear part isn't there. We're not using fear to try and get obedience or compliance. We're using respect, character, values, safety, security, connection to build these highways, these neurop pathways and highways of connection with our kids where they're like actually understanding the concepts that we have decided are so important for us to emphasize and teach as a family. Next scripture I really wanted to provide in Here is Ephesians 4:29. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up as fits the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear our words in every occasion have the opportunity to build others up, to emphasize what is good and to give grace to those who hear. And if you look, just look at our world, friends, I've been doing a little, honestly too much looking at our world the past month, honestly. That's why I've been reading my Bible so much. And I've just been up looking at the world and holding myself to a higher standard too. For everything that I see, for everything that every connection I draw, everything that I uncover, what is the most gracious form of talk and building up and seeking what is good that can come out of my mouth. Because again, I'm gonna be held accountable on my judgment day for every careless word spoken. So I need to hold myself accountable to seeking, seeking others, seeking circumstances, with compassion, with a holy view, to also see God's plan and God's hand in all this, because that's literally the point of my faith is to serve him, is to want his will here on earth. And instead of my own selfish desires of how I think things should go and what other people should or shouldn't be doing. That's helped me so much in my parenting, truly to understand that my kids are their own people. And as much as I may believe I know what they should or shouldn't be doing, I like to look at everything in terms of there is a greater plan. And because you made this choice, here's what we can do to use it for good. Here's the lesson that can come out of it. Here's the service we can pursue because of it. Here's the account, the added level of accountability we're going to take on a responsibility we're striving for. And how. Who are we to say? And how are we to know the exact way in which our kids will best learn? That's like I homeschool my kids. And I think it would be silly if I felt frustrated that they weren't learning reading or math faster than they are. Who am I to say how quickly someone learned something, right? So in all of this, just these scripture references, we're able to see, wow, the use of, yes, language turns. Circumstances turn into opportunities where I can view them more factually and have my faith be my anchor in it. Where now I'm called to serve in this moment too. I'm not called to control everything. I'm not called to control my kids, to control the world, to control the government, to control finances and religion and my neighbors or HOAs. That's not my job. I'm not. God did not put me here and say, hey, Tessa, could you just get the world in order, please? Could you just straighten all these people out for me? I've lost hand on the, on the creation of people. Would you take care of that for me? No, God is not saying that. God and the God that I know from reading scripture and just living this good life the best that I possibly can, we have a kind, gracious, merciful God that wants us to develop ourselves into how he sees us. And it's written all through scripture how he sees us. So now here we are faced with temptation and on the brink of making a poor choice. And here's sin flashing again. And right, we're facing all of that and we still have the opportunity to show up and be who he says we are. And it's easier to know who you are when you know who the One made you is. And that's why I really enjoy reading the Bible, because I, I do believe it, me, a better understanding of myself when I have a better understanding of God. And all through all, I mean, all through scripture, it's in support of this, this pursuit to be who he made us to be. Not to control everybody, just to be the best person you can be, to be a reflection of Jesus everywhere you go. And yes, language gives us the opportunity to do that. It literally takes us back to that wonderful saying, what would Jesus do? Like, yeah, yes, language is what would Jesus say? What would Jesus say to my child right now? To my husband, to me right now? What would Jesus say to himself right now? Teaching your brain to think more of that way rather than this very earthly division of extremes and negativity and stress responses. Out the wazoo, friends. So those are scriptures I wanted to. I wanted to share with you, little update on where I'm at with my Bible reading journey. Again, I'm only three years into my faith, guys. So I like to think that I'm like, a toddler. I am a toddler in my faith. And you know what? The Bible also says to be childlike. So I consider that to be extremely successful that I am toddler, like, childlike in my faith and understanding. And it's extremely freeing to view it with a little bit more simplicity rather than making one more, three, one more thing, extremely complicated. Like, I. I really like the idea of the simplifying down. So I hope this episode reached you right when you need it and you're feeling a little bit more uplifted and you're just wanting to be in your scripture more, too. Because a soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger. And if you could remember that in the moment that you're going to parent your child that already feels angry, where can we have a soft answer that turns away wrath? And without saying, you know, you can't have wrath. You can't feel angry. Wait, what's my soft answer that would just turn this away like the Bible says it does? That's the way I view it. So I adore you guys. Way to go. I'll see you real soon here on the show.