152. Hope for Positivity in the Home

Hey, friends. Welcome back to the momset podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and today I want to share one of my very favorite stories and truly one of my favorite experiences of my whole life that got me convicted to use positive communication and what I now call, yes, language with my kids. And it actually started before even entered my motherhood, really. It started before I even met my first son. So eight years ago, when I was about six months pregnant with my first son, my husband and I attended a funeral. One of our dear friends, his mother had passed away. And this friend of ours is old enough to be my dad. And I, I love his character, his integrity, his personality, and, I mean, the way I see him show up as a husband for his wife and how his wife shows up for him and the family that they've created together. I've always been very inspired by them since I first met them. And going to the funeral was something I felt very honored to be invited to. And my husband and I, and I, I remember exactly what we wore. I wore this fitted red dress. It was like more of a burgundy color dress. And I had my cute baby bump with my first son. And my husband and I sat together and we attended the funeral. And listening to our friend talk about his mom was so, so eye opening for me. And it's fair to say it was life changing for me because I still remember this experience and it has shaped much of my motherhood and informs of my communication with my kids. And at this funeral, he told stories about his childhood, and he had mentioned how his mom was strict and she was very much on top of things. Um, she. She cared about what they were listening to, who they were hanging out with, what their influences were. She very much cared about all of that. She was very engaged and present in their lives. And he posed like, he phrased it all as this really good thing that he appreciated. And I'm sure at the time, there were times when he was a kid, when he was a teenager, that it probably felt pretty frustrating, like, to have your mom right there doing these things. And he was so grateful and appreciative of it, and I really admired that. I really admired the way he lit up talking about his mom and the way you could so clearly tell that they had a very strong relationship, very strong connection. He had so much respect for her and admiration and appreciation for everything that she did and everything that she gave to help him become the man that he is today. And you just got this sense that he wanted to be the best he could for her. Too like, it. It. It's. His character was bigger than him. His integrity was bigger than him. It was about his mom, too, that really drew me in. And at the time, when I'm sitting there six months pregnant with my son on the way, and I was closely approaching becoming a mother and. And motherhood, I felt so intimidated and so afraid to become a mom. I wanted it so badly. Like, I was. I was very excited about it, and I felt so afraid because while I wanted a close relationship with my son, I. I feared. I really feared him not liking me, him hating me, him never being able to forgive me. And I was projecting my experiences with my mom into. I was. I was projecting these fears from the experiences with my mom into my upcoming relationship with my son. And I think for any of us, if we. If we took the life experiences that we've had, especially with parents, and we think, I'm gonna have this too, with my kids, that is a very scary thought in some ways, and that's what I was experiencing. And at the same time, I've shared this before on the show, how at that time, eight years ago, I was really struggling with a lot of anger, a strong sense of inner conflict and turmoil and insecurity and low emotional intelligence. It was so difficult for me to feel wronged in any way, upset in any way, and handle it well at all. Any little inconvenience, any little annoyance. I was so quickly triggered and sent over the edge about things that I would ignore my husband for three days if I felt he had done something to wrong me. Now, mind you, my husband is an exceptional man. Like, he has never done anything to break my trust, to betray me, to talk poorly about me. None of that I. I try to think about. I'm like, what did he do during that time that I felt so frustrated by? And I can't even remember. Like, I truly cannot remember because it was so small, and I was just. I was living in so much hurt from my own lived experiences. And then I was just projecting him into my marriage. So now I see here I am six months pregnant. I consider the relationship I have with my mom at the time. We've greatly improved since then, which I'm grateful for, and I'm excited to continue doing so. At the time, though, I wanted nothing to do with her. I. I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want her involved in my life. I didn't want her to know my son. I wanted to put all these boundaries up. My therapist told me to put boundaries. Was like, well, clearly I just need more boundaries. And I just have so much grace for myself and so much compassion for what I was going through. Um, but that was the approach that I took, truly. And I saw the way my mom and I's relationship was, and I feared that that was going to be my relationship with my son. Like, one day he's going to grow up and want nothing to do with me, and I'm gonna break his trust and I'm gonna hurt him, and I'm not gonna know how to handle things any better. And that caused me to look at my marriage and the way I show you my marriage, and I saw the way that I ignored my husband for three days, and I'm like, well, what am I gonna do? Just ignore my son? I can't just ignore my child for three days. Like, I've got to. Like, that was really my wake up call. Seeing the way I was treating my husband and knowing how good he was to me and seeing how poorly I was treating him, I was just forced to look in the mirror and see where I had a lot of work to do. I had a lot of growth and healing to partake in if I was going to be able to accomplish what I really wanted in terms of family. And that's where all the fears were coming from, right? Because I didn't want what my mom and I had, and I didn't want to treat my son the way I was treating my husband, and I didn't want my son to view me the way I viewed my mom. So lots of things that I didn't want to happen. And anyway, I'm sitting at this funeral and I'm listening to our friend talk about his mom. And it was. I had never heard anyone. I mean, my. My husband greatly adores his mom, but his mom's still here. So listening to the way our friend talked about his mom who had passed was really challenging and changing for me. It. It shaped something in my mind to view things differently. And I think because I just got to be an engaged listener, I was able to see, like, put my guard down, put my defenses down, and see where maybe I was blocking myself from having some of these things and what I could practically do to start getting some of these things, too, that felt obtainable. There was one story, though, that he shared about his mom that I think about frequently, because he had mentioned that his mom was pretty strict and she ran a tight ship, I think is the words that he used. And he said that he would have friends come over and his mom would say, yes, you can watch a movie with your friends. And they would go down to the basement. And in Utah, it's really common for families to have basements. And it's just another living space. It's. It's realistic to dig down deeper into the ground than to just like build up so high. So most homes in Utah have basements. Anyway, just wanted to clarify, it's not a creepy thing. So he would go down to the basement with his friends and they would watch a movie and his mom would sit at the top of the stairs and do her little crochet or whatever little craft project that she had. And she would listen to the movie from the top of the stairs. So giving them a little bit of space, giving them like their autonomy, their independence, and still make sure that the language in that movie was congruent with the family values that she, that she had for the family. And if she heard a word, like a swear word or an inappropriate scene, she would just say her son's name and then he would know, we are changing the movie. And I just, I remember hearing that. And it was so different. The way he described how he was raised. It was so different than the way I was raised. And I understood, I was able to understand why as a grown man, he was so appreciative of the boundaries, the boundaries, the self respect that his mom had, the engagement that she had in his life, the interest that she took in his development and his influence. I can see why he appreciated it so much. Even though I lacked that myself. I mean, growing up, I didn't even have a curfew. I could be gone for a few days at a time without telling my mom where I was. And that was just the normal, the normal. I would spend holidays with a boyfriend and my family wasn't getting together, gathering around a table to do these things. Everyone just kind of went out their own separate ways. And I mean, the day I was old enough to work, I got a job and I would work shifts. My first job was Taco Bell. So they're open till 2am or later. Like, you know that slogan. Well, I was the one working that 2am shift. And I would walk home, walk home between midnight and two in the morning, walk back home. And I just feel so spared. Like, when I consider the things that I did and the lack of guidance that I had, I. I sincerely question how my life that I did experience was all that I experienced. Like, how. How did I not get abducted? Like, how did I not just so many other things that could have happened. And I'm so GR that I got just what I needed to learn the lessons that were meant for me and I was spared from the rest is the best way that I can describe it. So at this funeral though, I reflected on my own childhood and I'm like, man, I would have loved like for someone to take that kind of interest in me. Maybe I would have pushed back at the time. I would grow up to appreciate it though. I would grow up to see that's love. That's, that's really love. And that's how he described it at the funeral. So he kept going on about his mom, the stories, and then he said this one thing and this is what got me hooked on using positive communication and yes, language with my kids. And I hope it's something that can inspire you too, because I think so often we have an endless amount of information at our fingertips. We can look up all the science, all the psychology, all of the database that shows trauma responses, stress responses, neurological development, how kids brains are working. And sometimes it feels like the more access we have to that information, the harder it gets to implement the things to do that support to those because it can feel so overwhelming. And then you're forced to reflect on the ways you haven't done those things. And it's challenging to have hope for yourself and to encourage yourself to know, well, you did the best you could with what you knew. You're, you're trying to parent the best you can. You just didn't know you thought they needed to make the right choice. Now you thought you needed to correct them. Right now you thought you needed to give them punishment so they could learn their lesson. Like it all makes sense, it really does. And I believe sometimes it's, it's the amount of information available at our fingertips that keeps us from implementing something better because we just get so overwhelmed by it. And then we spiral into a form of self doubt and beating ourselves up and criticizing ourselves and then we obviously behave worse from that space. So I've seen myself do that, I've seen women that I work with do that and it honestly makes sense. So at the funeral though, I just, I wasn't given science backed information on childhood development and cognitive priming and the frontal lobe, that prefrontal cortex and how the amygdala is working and self fulfilling prophecy. He didn't say any of that. None of that is what inspired me to really adhere to using positive communication with my kids. All he said about his mom was she never said no. He said she never said no. And if she did, you knew she meant it. And that line changed my motherhood before it even began. Because I thought, here's this grown man talking about his mother that has passed at her funeral and on her deathbed, he says, she never said no. And if she did, you knew she meant it. And in that moment, I just decided I would love for any of my children to say that about me on my deathbed. I would. I would love that. I would love to be a mother that never says no. And if I do say no, then you know she really means it. So I. That stuck with me. It's shaped so much. And over the last eight years, I have acquired more information. I've steadily allowed myself to understand why saying yes, why using positive language is so much more effective than saying no or using negative language, and where children real, really are at developmentally so that we can give the best instruction. What I've always wanted all along, though, is connection to my kids. I've wanted unbreakable connection, unwavering connection that can last a lifetime where I'm on my deathbed and they are each telling stories about me at the podium and. And recalling and reliving some of their childhood experiences and seeing me in a new light. Because now they're grown men that have matured a bit more, and they're maybe a little bit more grateful for those pancakes that I made or how we homeschool schooled or the decisions that we made that could have felt really hard at the time. And now they're so grateful for them. And again, my kids are also young. They're 7, 5, 3, and 1 years old. I have four boys. And I see it though, like, I just. I use yes language and I commit myself to communicating positively because of the way our friend said it. It shaped his relationship with his mom and his view of his mom. And that's what I want. That's what I want more than good behavior. I want good connection more than I want immediate obedience. I want unbreakable connection. And yes, language gives me that. Positive communication gives me that. And then as I've acquired more information, it's just become the hill that I die on, where no one could convince me that I need to speak more negatively to my children, that it would be more effective than using positive communication and saying yes to them as often as possible and building and growing their mindset to believe that everything's possible in this life, in this world, and there's always a way. And that matters to me. Their mentality about life. Like, everything else has been able to shape around this idea of never say no. And if you do really mean it, everything else that I've done is just shaped around that. And I was. I'm hopeful that this story will inspire you the same way that it inspired me eight years ago. That you're able to look at this from a different angle rather than thinking right from wrong. If I. If I did it wrong this whole way before because I've told my kids no, or I did speak really negatively to them. Like, look past that. Look past the science, the how the nervous system and how it's working and stress responses and building state. Like, look past that and just see what I saw. A grown man standing at a podium talking about his deceased mother and having light in his eyes and a glow to his smile where he just lights up talking about who she was to him and how she did it, how she did it. And then, of course, the science can support it from there. Just let yourself have a little bit of hope, a little bit of encouragement today that it's okay to be kind, it's okay to be clear and direct using positive language. You can do that? We do. Do we need to start instruction with the word no if we're going to say no, don't run into the street, or no, don't jump on the couch? Do we need both? Do we need no and don't do that. Just challenge yourself. Can you. Can you start saying yes more? And as you start your sentence with yes instead of no, you'll be shocked how naturally your mind creates an entirely different line for you to deliver. That's what I found. I didn't know the science, you guys. When I started this, I didn't. I didn't even have a relationship with God. So I couldn't even take it back to a place in scripture where I could read about the. The power, the effectiveness and the calling to speak life, to speak positively, to use kind words that are like honey, sweet to the soul. I couldn't reference any of that because I didn't have a relationship with God at the time. All of this has developed after just this moment of hope that, that filled me where I was finally able to see myself as someone that could do that. I could do that. I could never say no like, that. I could do. And I really believe that in my life. I love my life. I have such a wonderful life, and I know that, and I really believe that. It's just been little moments that something was said or a way that it was said that completely changed what I did next. And we need these little moments, these little lines. We don't need entire research papers, we don't need degrees dedicated to this. We don't need to be like pushed at all this science and information in order for us to have strong conviction that that is not the case. For me personally, it's great if it is that way for you. I can hold space for that. I can appreciate that there's a lot of beauty and commitment to that. And for me, it's those one little lines in life. She never said no. And if she did, you knew she meant it. And that was like, I can do that. I could never say no. It was like when I told my husband, I really want to be a stay at home mom. And our. I met my son and I was supposed to, I was supposed to take a job that would require me working full time on a salary. Our son would go to daycare starting around two or three months old. And you know, when he was in my belly, that was great. Like, okay, yeah, for sure, I can do that. I was planning on living a very traditional life. I was planning on living a very conventional life. And then I met my son and it all. My plan went up in smoke. My plan went up in smoke. I met my son and I told my husband, I can't leave him, I can't do it. And I remember crying, feeling like nauseous, sick to my stomach at the idea of leaving him. And I told my husband, I've got to stay with him, I have to stay home with him. So what do I need to do in order for me to stay home with him? And he has always taken lead over our finances and he looked at our finances and said that we would need to bring in an extra $400 a month in order to make that work. And I feel extremely fortunate that our family lived on a very low income. For the first goodness five, six years of our marriage, we lived on a very low income. And I feel so fortunate for that because it helped me appreciate the value of money. And it also helped me quickly break through mindsets and limitations and doubts where I was putting. I was locking myself up around money. It helped me quickly break through that because the lower our income was, the easier it was for me to surpass it. Doing other things, doing unconventional things, doing untraditional things I never planned on doing. It was just so easy for me to, to think I was succeeding. I was accomplishing because the, the goal post was $400, $400 so, again, this goal post in. In my communication with my children felt so easy for me to accomplish. It felt so easy for me to do that. Like, I can do that. I could never say no. 400. You got to make 400amonth in order to stay home with the kids in order for us to financially make that work. When my husband said 400, it was just, I can do that. I can do that. I can think of a way to do that. And I think if. If the. If the circa. If the little line was different, if it was like, okay, you got to make $4,000 a month, or you got to make $40,000 a month. Like, if it were one of those numbers, I'd be like, okay, well, I guess I'm just gonna get this job then, because that I. I'm not someone that can do that is what I would have thought at the time. So I just want to encourage you that if you hear this line, never say no, and if you do, just really mean it. If that line feels like just the line of hope that you needed, just like I needed, where you're able to think, I can do that. Or if right now it's feeling like, wow, that feels really, really challenging. Really challenging. Tessa, that is not inspiring me. Like, I'm feeling hot and anxious when I hear that. Maybe just change it around a little bit. See, if you. If you phrase it as, say yes as much as. Or only say no when you really mean it, remove the first part that says never say no and just use the second part. Only say no if you really mean it. Does that bring more hope to you? The chances are you have plenty of information to start making the changes that you really want to make today and to build out the life that you really want for yourself. The chances are you already have plenty of information. You just have to really work on the way that you view yourself as a person and who you view yourself as and tell yourself you are as a mother, as a wife, as a woman, as a daughter of God. Like, just to evaluate these identities that you have for yourself, these roles that you attach to. And it's amazing what opens up from there. So I just wanted to share a heartfelt little episode on why, you know, using yes language, using communicating positively, never saying no. And if I do, I really mean it is the hill I die on. No one could convince me that I need to speak negatively to my kids. No one could convince me that I need to tell them no more often. No one could convince me or prove to me or change my mind about the clear instruction that I give my children being less than what's best for them. I am 100% convicted and convinced that the positive communication, the clear instruction, the identity building that I intentionally do through ur statements, the values that I'm consistently teaching and the way I address misbehavior and poor attitudes the way I address those things I am 100% convinced is the right way for my family and I'm just here to share what I'm doing so that way if any of it resonates with you you could take it into your family too. I I love knowing that we're doing this work together so I hope that this was beneficial to you and I hope that you feel a little bit more inspired to show up as the mom that you want to be no matter where you go or who you're with and that we can continue moving forward together. So thanks for joining me here on the show friends. I will see you later. Bye.