153. Regulation Without Punishment, Here's What My Family Does

Hey, friends, it's Tessa. Welcome back to the momset podcast. I'm personally so excited for this episode because I'm going to be walking you through exactly how I have brought regulation into my home with great enthusiasm, purpose, and intention. And I believe that it set such a fun tone with my whole family that my kids got on board very quickly with these activities that we have agreed to because I kept a really positive tone around it. And I'm hoping that in sharing this example with you, you feel encouraged to do similar things and if anything, just keep an attitude similar to the one that I'm describing and decide for yourself. Carve your own way through regulation and what it's going to look like in your home. Bottom line is we all need it. Dads need it, moms need it, kids need it. And what we're modeling, what we choose to do, when we're feeling dysregulated, when we're feeling that stress response turn on, is what our kids are paying attention to the most. So if you are doing things that you don't want your kids to do, then take this as your cue. Take it as your sign that it's time to start doing something different. So this is kind of where it started for us. About six months ago, I noticed that my kids were having a lot of physical altercations and things were escalating so quickly and they would just be in this feeling of anger and seeing red. And it was so clear that, like, how they were handling in that moment was truly all they knew how to do. Like, it was all they could connect with. It was all they could manage to do in that moment. Even if I've taught them to do other things, like walk away. Oh my gosh. I've been saying, walk away from your brother. When you feel angry, walk away from your brother. I've been saying that since they were like, since my 5 year old is probably 2. So for 3 years I've been saying that and I've tried multiple different forms of regulation with my kids, like breathing exercises and pretend mommy's hand. My fingers are candles, and blow out the candles as hard as you can. And it just comes down to it that my, my sweet boys thrive with something a little bit more intense and even challenging for them to do is where they experience the most relief. So about six months ago, I was talking to my kids and I made a little deal with them. And again, when I had this conversation with them, I want to clarify here because this part's super important. When I brought this topic up with them. And we discussed this. Everyone was regulated. Everyone was in a logical state of mind. We were all connected. We had had a great day and we were settling down for the evening. And I had brought this up. So when, this is my first tip. When you want to talk to your kids about regulation and plans for next time, when they're feeling a lot of stress, they're feeling a lot of anger, do it. When they're feeling calm, connected and regulated with you, if you try to approach this and they're feeling dysregulated, when whatever solution you come up with is going to feel like the wrong solution for them and for you, it's going to turn into conflict. They're going to become extremely defensive and they won't even be willing to try what you're saying because they're just so desperate for a sense of relief that it's hard for them to see the path forward if it hasn't been like pre established and predetermined. And that is just going to be very, very stressful. So, so instead make sure that your conversation is proactive, proactive, proactive, proactive. And that's what I did with my kids. So my two older boys and I, my 7 year old, my 5 year old and myself, we were talking about how wrong it is to hit people when you feel angry. And I get it, like sometimes we're wrestling and things like accidents happen, right? You accidentally tripped him when you reached for his ankle on the trampoline. Or, or you both were in such an excited little hurry to get to that box that one brother accidentally got pushed over. So we're talking intentionally and specifically about the times that you guys feel very angry and you want to take it out on your brother. So you're punching him in the arm, the face, the leg, like you are using your fist and you are wanting to hurt your brother or hurt someone else. That's what I'm talking about. That feeling that comes up in you, that's called anger. And I, I discussed it with them in that way. Like we have these big emotions that can feel hard to manage and explaining what that means to them with these examples. And they're like, okay, so on the same page. And I told them I really want us to come up with a plan of another way we can help get the anger out of us that keeps everyone else around us safe. So once the anger is all bubbled up inside of you and you have that urge in your arms and in your hands to hit something or to throw something, it's okay that that feeling is there. You are responsible for what you do with it. That's a line I tell my kids daily. It's all right that the feeling's there. You are responsible for what you do with it, for what you say next, what you do next. You are entirely responsible for that. And our emotions are here to help us. They give us great insight and guidance in life and we want to make sure that they're truly helping us maintain the relationships and the environment that we want to be in. So as we were talking about this and I had asked them, what are some other ways that you guys would like to get your anger out when you feel that way and you just feel that all that strong energy coming up that your legs through your arms and it's swirling around and your face starts to get all crinkly up in anger, what do you want to do to get that anger out? And my 5 year old was like, what about burpees? And I was like, oh, I love burpees. Burpees are so fun. They're so fun. And you know what? You could slam down on the ground as hard as you want and you could jump up in the air as high as you want to and you could go as fast as you want or as slow as you want. I think burpees are a great idea. My 7 year old was like, yeah, yeah, I like to do burpees. And mind you, my family, we work out a lot together as a family. My kids have seen my husband and I do burpees and that's how they've learned how to do burpees is through our example of doing burpees. So my kids have never viewed activity as punishment. They don't have to go outside because of their misbehavior or anything like that. It's always been, we do these things to feel our best. We exercise to feel our best. We regulate like this so that we can love what we choose to do next. We eat these things because we love our body. Like there's so much positivity around the choices that we make. Even when those choices feel hard to make, we take it back to positivity. So they had mentioned doing burpees. And I was like, well, I think that's a great idea. And I was like, okay, so you guys are agreeing to mommy right now that when you feel angry like that, you're going to choose to do 20 burpees instead of hitting. And if you hit, if you hit or fight with your words, that means saying Mean things. Things that, remember, we can never take back what we say. Once you say something, it stays with that other person forever. And you will always remember that you said that, and they may always remember that you said that. So our words are very, very important. And I teach that to my kids too. So I told them that if you fight physically or with your words, then you will do 20 burpees. And they agreed. They said, okay. And I also explained to them why we chose the number 20 because we could have said, oh, just one burpee or 10 burpees. Right? Well, we chose the number 20 because after 90 seconds of intentionally doing an activity geared towards regulation is when you can actually experience some relief. Anything less than. Anything less than 90 seconds just is not enough time for your nervous system to get that energy and get that emotion channeled and poured outward so that it can get back to a state of safety and that homeostasis. Right. So when I was teaching my kids this, I taught them, and this is really just powerful information for you to have as a parent and also for your kids to have when they're going through these big emotions. Emotions have a 90 second lifespan. That means they come and they get really big, really fast, and they peak up there at the top and then they start to fizzle out, all within 90 seconds seconds. Now, there are times that we feel like we're angry for a lot longer than 90 seconds and we're feeling disappointed or feeling left out for a lot longer than 90 seconds. And that's because we've then put the emotion on life support. It is now using our continued thoughts as the energy to keep it alive. It came and it was created because of an initial thought. And now we're still thinking that way. We're still thinking that same thought about our brother, so we still feel angry about our brother. We're still thinking that same thought about mommy, so we're still feeling disappointed about mommy's choice. And that is how our thoughts and feelings work. And this is how I'm teaching my very young children to begin understanding these concepts that I surely wish that I had learned much sooner. So you guys know if you're familiar with my content, familiar with my podcast, my story, I've had to learn all of this myself. And I'm grateful. I'm so grateful for the passion that I've felt and the conviction that I've experienced and this entire journey that I've been on to get to this point, it's been absolutely life changing and altering and creating for me to Become more than who I ever thought I could be and then some, because I still know, like, I'm always growing as a person and improving. And I really appreciate this process. So while I am extremely grateful for where I am, I sometimes do entertain the thought of, like, what would it have been like if. If I were taught these things earlier? What could I have been spared from? What could have I experienced more of? What would I have done different if I knew these things sooner? And I. I enjoy thinking that way just for creative purposes. Overall, though, I'm grateful that it's panned out exactly the way that it has, because, man, if I would have chosen anything different sooner, I would be risking my whole life today. And that is just. That's way too big of a gamble for me, friends. So I like to just be grateful for the road that I've been on and the way that it's unfolded. So that's why, though we choose 20 burpees, because whatever we choose to do needs to be done for at least 90 seconds. I have very energetic boys, so I. Anything that would require them to sit down and do something for 90 seconds would be when they're feeling this intense anger would be, I mean, setting them up for failure and me up for frustration. So I want you to be able to gauge who your kids are uniquely and what their energy is really like. Are they more needing and wanting that comfort, Quiet, quiet, less stimulation? Sit on your lap and practice breathing for 90 seconds for regulation, or do they just need to flop down on the ground as hard as they can, jump up as high as they can, push off as hard as they can, like, do. Do it as fast as they can? Do they need something like that? Well, hello. Welcome to the Romero household. That is what we do. So we agree on burpees, right? And it was shortly after that that my two boys, my 7 year old, my 5 year old, got into a fight with each other and they hit each other. And I said, okay, this is a time that we're talking about, we gotta get this anger out. So I never, ever, ever use burpees as punishment. I never use conditioning as punishment. I use it as an appropriate outlet. You've shown me where you're at. You've shown me that you have a lot of this anger. And right now you're using that anger to hit your brother. And that's how the energy's trying to get out, is through hitting. And I'm gonna make sure that the energy gets out in a way that that protects your relationships, that protects the things that I know you love, your toys, your home, your mommy, your daddy, your brothers. I'm going to make sure all these things stay protected while you also take care of yourself and you get to feel better. So the way we talk about this, please, please avoid communicating it through a lens of punishment, because that can have really terrible, long term repercussions and complications to all kinds of things. Think body image and exercise and nutrition and self care and just emotions in general. Do I need to fear these emotions coming up? Like, I have found that this way allows us to use. Yes. Language, keep a really positive focus, and empower my kids to know, oh, this is for me. This is never happening to me. This is always happening for me. Get out of that victim mentality. Right? So after they had hit each other, it said, this is the time that we're gonna do the 20 burpees to get this anger out. And my 7 year old was super compliant. He's like, yes, okay. So he gets down, he starts doing his 20 burpees. And my five year old's like, no, I'm not doing them. Completely refused. And I was like, okay, well, you are going to do them because you made a commitment to me. And keeping your commitments is what we do as Romeros. So when you make a commitment, you're going to follow through. And I still want you to be able to experience what it's like to get your anger out in a way that actually helps you. So look, liam's doing his 20 burpees. I'm going to let you choose. When you do your 20 burpees, you are getting them done though. And it was probably like two minutes later that he was like, okay, fine. And then he does his 20 burpees. Um, and anyway, so that was like their first experience with it. There totally was resistance for my 5 year old, which I think is completely developmentally appropriate. And then with my seven year old, he can access more cognitive logic and reasoning with his frontal lobe than a five year old can or three year old can. Um, so I think that's why he cooperated more quickly. And he's the oldest and, you know, I think that plays a part too. So anyway, later that day though, or no, I think it was the next night. Yeah, so we, we made this 20 burpees agreement. And I forgot to mention this, when we made the 20 burpees agreement, my oldest goes, well, what about you? And I was like, what about me? What about me? And he was like, well, what about when you say things in a mean way or I mean, I personally don't spank my kids. I have found it to be extremely effective to have a hands, a physically like hands off approach and still able to keep the control of the room and have the authority of over my children without spanking. And I've noticed incredible corrections in their behavior without spanking. So I personally find it unnecessary in our home. So in my son's example though, he's talking about when I say mean things or I say things in a mean way, which I know I do and I have lots of room for growth, especially six months ago. And I was like, oh, that is such a good point. Like sometimes mommy really does say things in a mean way. Or I could say something mean like, yeah, I agree, I will do 20 burpees if I say something mean or if I say something in a mean way. You got it? I'll do 20 burpees. You both can tell me to do 20 burpees and I promise I'll do it. I'll make that commitment with you. They're like, okay. So then after that they had their little altercation. They both do their 20 burpees. My five year old, little resistance. And then the next night we had kind of an off routine and, and my dinner was pushed back later. My oldest, I let him play out front with friends longer. So he comes inside feeling starving. I mean this kid felt so hungry. And I was telling everyone to take their baths and he was like, well, I'm starving, I want to eat, I'm so hungry. Stress response turned on physiological needs that need to be met, right? For regulation to be able to be locked in take place. And I told him, just take a fast bath. While you're in the bath, I'll be making your food. So right when you come out of the bath, your food will be ready for you. Now I was distracted on my phone. I was getting a little bit of work done. I was, I remember very clear. I was laying on my bed, I had my phone out, I was getting a little bit of work done. And while I put the phone down, while he was, him and I were talking, it was still just like taking up so much of my mind and I was switching from one task to connection with my son and trying to help him through this. That I did feel extremely impatient. I, I felt just irritate, like irritable and grouchy about it. And plus it was nighttime off routine, all the things. And he's still just like whining about getting in the bath and complaining about getting in the bath and all these things. And I finally was like, you're getting in the bath. Go get in the bath right now. And I told you, I'm going to make your food while you're in the bath. And I like just talking like that. It was. It was mean. And he. He got in the bath, all right. And I felt so guilty for the way that I talked to him. And honestly, just knowing, like, if I hadn't have been on my phone, I would have handled that a hundred times better. That would have been such an easy thing for me to handle and navigate through if I just wasn't on my phone. But I was on my phone, so I felt guilty about that too. And while he was in the bath, I kept my commitment. I went out there into the kitchen, I start making their food. And he took a fast bath like we agreed on. He comes out, he gets dressed, and then he comes into the kitchen. And his hair was all like wet and freshly brushed. He has these nice clean clothes on. And he's getting so tall at 7 years old, or I'm just really short one of the two. And he comes and stands next to me and he goes, mom, I just really think that the way you talked to me in your room was really mean. And I. I really think now would be a good time for you to do your 20 burpees. And I'm. I'm already showered in my pajamas and standing at the counter making these sandwiches. Just a quick dinner for them, making them sandwiches. And the way he just said that with such clarity and honestly, strength and empowerment while also holding tremendous compassion towards me. My heart was just dancing. Like I was like, for real, Tessa, a seven year old can call it better than you can see it. Wow. Wow. And that it did feel so fulfilling because obviously these are things that I've taught him. I've taken lead on this in my family. I've welcomed regulation into my home. So it was so fulfilling and it was very humbling. Very humbling at the same time. And I said, and I knew what I did next mattered so much because if I just let myself off the hook of those 20 burpees, which I could do, I'm the adult, I'm the authority, I'm the leader. Like, I'm the mom, I can say, no, I'm not doing those 20 burpees. I'm already showered, I'm already making your food. You knew to get in the bath. And you arguing with me is disobedient. You talking to me like that is disobedient. Like I could have said all that. And what kind of example would that have said? That literally would have just taught my, taught my son, taught all of my family that the Romeros justify their misbehaviors and they blame other people. And that would be victim mentality. One on 101. And I refuse, I refuse to go there. So I set down the little butter knife I was using and I gave my son a smile and I was like, buddy, you are so right. I did say that in a really mean way. And I was distracted on my phone. Instead of giving you my full attention. Like, that is a really great example of a time that it would be good for mommy to just get whatever, whatever this is building up in me, give it the right outlet. You're so right. And, and the way you were talking to me before getting into the bath when I asked you to get in the bath was pretty mean. You were yelling at mommy, you were raising your voice, you were complaining when I was asking Hugh to do something that we do every single night. So what if we both do 20 burpees to get whatever this energy is, whatever this feeling is, to give it a good outlet and, and have a real fresh start, clear the emotional slate moving forward. And he goes, oh, yeah, I did do that. Okay, yeah, let's both do it. And I swear to you, right then and there, we got down and we did 20 burpees together. And it was like just such a good moment of connection. And I love, I love that tone in my home. I really do. I love all the words that we could use to describe it. I just think of leadership and accountability and ownership and skill building and critical thinking and vision and compassion and hard conversations met with such grace and prioritizing people over problems. Like, there's just so many things that come to mind for me that I'm just so grateful that I did the 20 burpees. And I proactively made an agreement with my kids and of what all of us can be willing to do when we feel these emotions that need a better outlet than hitting or saying mean things. And that's been so rewarding. And now it's been about six months of doing this. And I, I've gotta say, like, I just, I personally have noticed such progress in my kids when it comes to their emotional intelligence, like being able to recognize when something's happening for them and for others and to observe these things more critically to decide what they're going to do next. Especially with my 7 year old and I was Looking up like developmentally the difference really between like a five year old and seven year old. And at seven years old they begin to access more of that frontal lobe than they were at 5 years old. And I see this in my 7 year old because now, so we've been doing this for about 6 months now. My 7 year old is taking deep breaths without my prompting to do so. And it's helping him stay calm longer. So he's recognizing. I'm starting to feel really frustrated, I'm starting to feel really angry towards my three year old brother taking my magnet blocks and I'm watching this incredible boy take deep breaths and I truly just feel blown away every time. Blown away every time. I mean, there are times that I feel annoyed by a simple inconvenience that it would serve me so well to take the deep breaths. And I really think it's because I'm learning this later in life. There's. It takes so much more intentionality to override the. These long lived behaviors and habits and sequences and neural pathways that have developed over the years. To go to the deep breaths rather than the complaining, to go to the deep breaths rather than the ruminating. And again, regulation is about being able to manage your internal state. So if your mind is leaping and bounding to the future and you're feeling really anxious, or if, if it's ruminating in the past and you're feeling really depressed, that's difficulty managing your internal state with your thoughts and same thing with your emotions. When it's like one feeling takes over and we lose all sense of emotion with gratitude, joy, fulfillment, accomplishment, energy. When we lose connection with all those emotions. Every time a tinge of sadness comes in or a reminder of something hurtful comes up, or a little bit of hurt comes up, we just lose touch with all that. That's difficulty managing your emotional state, which is internal too. And then with your behaviors too. If you are slamming cabinets because you don't like the way someone just talked to you, you are having a hard time managing your internal state. Slamming doors, shouting, yelling, lecturing, complaining about circumstances, blaming other people, justifying yourself, going on and on and on about how unacceptable it is for your kids to do blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? If you're doing that, you're having a hard time managing your internal state, which is a clear sign that you need to regulate. So there has been. So with my five year old, with my seven year old, I feel like this clicked really quickly and I just think developmentally it was a really awesome Time to introduce it. With my 5 year old it is still more of the laying the groundwork. I'm grateful that we introduced it six months ago for him, like right when he turned five. I'm still grateful that we did that and I consider it more as groundwork, like we are doing such good groundwork so that when he becomes 6, 7, 8, 9 years old, this is the normal for him. His questions are going to be answered and he's going to have a wide variety of circumstances that he has applied this in. He's going to have been bought in on his own to choose to do this because he knows it works and our patience and consistency with this is truly serving him right now. And I have this bigger picture perspective. And because he is earlier in the process of my 7 year old, he's also brought up the best mind blowing observations like where I'm at, some of the things that my five year old brings up I never even consider. Like I, I have the information to fill in the gaps, I have the life experiences to help fill in the gaps. He lacks those things. So there's two instances that come to mind for me that really brought up why it's so important to start teaching our kids about regulation, what it is and why we do it. The first one he I also teach my boys about taking deep breaths. So burpees is like a anger thing and deep breaths is more of that like stability. Like let's get back to a sense of safety and stability. We'll take deep breaths when we feel afraid, when we feel sad, when we feel disappointed, when we feel left out. Let's take our deep breaths, feel safe in this moment and then we can talk about whatever happened and, and that's how I've explained it to them. So again I've been telling them about walking away and taking deep breaths for years. The burpees thing is only recent. And my 3 year old was getting after my 5 year old as he does and giving him a good opportunity to practice some self control which he actually did. I was very impressed. And my 3 year old does this with my 5 year old and he was hitting my 5 year old and my 5 year old decided to take deep breaths instead of hitting and he's crying on his bed and he's like mom, mom. And I come into the room because I was putting the baby to sleep and I come into the room and he's crying on his bed and my sweet little three year old is walking around the room now totally like nothing happened. And my sweet 5 year old is just feeling so, so upset that this whole situation happened and my 5 year old's calling for me. So I go in there and I stand his bed. I'm like, buddy, what happened? And he goes, it didn't work. Taking deep breaths didn't work. I was like, what do you, what do you, what do you mean? Because remember I was putting the baby to sleep. So he's like, I took deep breaths and he still hit me. They didn't work. And it was just that, that moment of like true innocence. True innocence. He did this to his understanding of this will make someone else stop. If I take deep breaths, then no one's going to hit me either. I won't hit them and they won't hit me. Where? And that just allowed us to recognize, oh, where? Is there like a hole in our learning? We have a little bit of gap in our understanding. Let's fill the gap in our understanding. And that's how I view these opportunities with my kids. Like there is never ever, ever a failure there. I mean, in any circumstance, if my kids hit or didn't hit, I look at everything as a success, a win, an accomplishment, like fulfilled plan and journey. We're on the right road. And I like to keep a perspective of it's already been decided, I've already won. So no matter where the resistance is coming from or the disconnect happens, I'm looking at it as if I'm already on the other side of it. Instead of being in the weeds and like having a hard time seeing straight, looking forward with them, like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm already on the other side of this. They may be in the weeds. I'm on the other side. So I'm communicating from the other side of a problem and that helps me so much. So my 5 year old says it didn't work. He still hit me. And I gave him a big hug and I'm like, oh, sweetheart, taking deep breaths is for you. That's how you help your body. Your brother, he would need to take deep breaths to help his own body. And I was like, did you hit him? And he goes, no, I didn't hit him. I took deep breaths but he still hit me. I was like, like, well then the deep breaths worked. They did do their job. They did work so well because you chose, you chose to take your deep breaths instead of hitting. And that is the right choice to make. Mommy's going to work with, Mommy's going to work with your brother. Just like I work with you. Just like I work with all of your brothers. I'm going to work with him some more. You set the right example though today. And he's going to remember that example that you set cuz he looks up to you. And I spoke life over him, I spoke life over the three year old, over a whole family. Because this is what it looks like to work through, this is what it looks like to build lifelong skills. So I just thought that was so sweet when he said it didn't work. He still hit me. And then More recently my 5 year old was playing with my 7 year old and he, they again got into a little fight and I still hold them accountable to do their 20 burpees if they hit one another right or they say mean things. If you say mean things or if you hit one another, you are accountable to do 20 burpees. Because you've shown me that there's anger that needs to get out. And the three seconds that it says that it takes to say something mean is not enough time to get all that anger out in the 10 seconds that it takes for the two of you to go at each other. It's just not enough time to get all the anger out. All these quick little reactive moments are only showing that you're having difficulty managing your internal state. That's all. That's all it's showing. And it lacks the real solution to it, it lacks the real relief from it. If you hit your brother now and we do nothing about it besides talking, nothing for the energy though, you're going to be hitting him again very soon because all that built up energy is still there. We need to clear the emotional slate. I like to look at burpees. Every time we do our 20 burpees we are flushing out the emotional slate. It's nice and clean. So next time we are presented with difficulty, frustration, disappointment, we are going to manage it far better than if we had any remaining emotional residue on this late. That's how, that's how I teach them, that's how I view it. It helps us so much. So the other day though I was having them do their 20 burpees because of the way they treated each other and then they did their 20 burpees and my 7 year old went outside to play and my 5 year old still felt so upset and he goes, mom, the 20 burpees didn't work. I still feel left out. And again, it's just one of those like wise beyond your years things to say you're doing and it. And it Clicked something for me where it's like, wow, he's doing his 20 burpees with the intent to feel happy again. Like, okay, if I'm gonna. Maybe his understanding is, if I do 20 burpees, I'm feel happy right away. And that's false. That is not what regulation is for. Regulation is for managing the internal state. Happiness is going to come from our focus, from our practice, not from our outlet for these really strong, intense emotions like anger or frustration. And I told him, so you feel left out? And he goes, yeah. I said, well, do you still feel angry about feeling left out? He said, no. I said, so the burpees worked because the burpees come and they help you get the anger out. So that way you can know how you're really feeling, and what you're really feeling is left out. And just that clarification, for him, anger is a big, strong rescue emotion. He thinks he's the hero. Anytime you feel small or less than or left out, here comes anger here to keep you safe. The only problem with that is we start to forget and lack the awareness that we actually just feel left out. And then we act in anger. And I asked him, what happens if you act in anger and you treat your brother with anger? Is he going to want to play with you? No. So are you going to feel left out or are you going to feel included if your brother doesn't want to play with you? I'm going to feel left out. That's right. So if you let anger make your choices, you're going to feel more left out. If you know that you actually feel left out, what can you do about that? He goes, I could tell my brother I feel left out. I'm like, yes, you could. And if you tell your brother that you feel left out, what do you think your brother's going to do? Knowing that your brother is so kind and he loves to have friends and he loves to play with you, and there's so many things that you guys enjoy doing together. If you were to tell him, hey, I feel left out, what do you think your special brother would do? And he said, play with me. I said, that's right. I agree. I believe he would do that, too. And if he started playing with you again, do you think you would still feel left out? He said, no. I said, okay, so we've got to know the real emotion that's up this feeling that we have. We have to know the real one. And anger is the big hero that comes to protect all these smaller emotions that Feel really weak and low and sad. So the burpees are to get the anger out so that way we can know what's really happening. When you did your 20 burpees, they worked because they got the anger out. And now we know what to do about feeling left out and that just bringing. I just would. My son and I have conversations like this about understanding, hey, breathing is for you to make the right choice, and burpees are to get the anger out. And we're still going to have underlying emotions. Sometimes it's not just anger and happy that are the two ways we feel. There's so many more than that. If I left regulation out of my family dynamic and I left it out, I kept it out of my home because I felt intimidated about incorporating it or it felt too difficult to maintain, and it's more work than it's worth. Whatever. I would never have these amazing conversations with my kids and be able to see it from their perspective, which is what I. I always just so greatly appreciate. Because hearing a perspective from someone of complete innocence is life changing. It is so life changing. It helps you realize where you're caught up in the wrong things, where you're focused on the wrong things. And that's what I believe my children do for me every single day. They just help me remember what's truly worth keeping my focus on and why it is so worth striving for excellence on a daily basis. Because look who God made us to be. And we can continue to be just that way if we can stay out of our own way. Basically stay out of our own way. Leave the. Leave the world for the world to deal with and focus on heavenly things. It's amazing what happens to us. And I have felt such an enormous shift in my heart, truly in my heart over the last, I'd say three years, as I've. As I've personally focused more on regulation and all the ways that I can bring into my home and that I've been so focused on truly refining myself as a person. I want to strip away everything that is outside of alignment with who I truly want to be. Everything that I've learned along the way to get where I am today, that is just so unnecessary for me to continue using, utilizing, holding on to it served me for a time and now my life is. It. I mean, it can only grow as I learn to do different things. So I'm. That's where I'm personally at in this. In this season is a true refinement of myself, my character. It's no longer about. You know, I. I never wanted my son. I mean, this is just a quick little note to stories that I've shared in the past about how I got into this work because I really feared my son viewing me the same way I viewed my mom. You guys have heard me say that so many times, and I've realized that my mom's always done the best she could. And it's been like a process putting all these pieces together over the years. And I can finally see the bigger picture where I know my mom's always done the best that she could. And I like to think of what I would have done in those situations. And the reality is, the only way I'd ever know is if I were in those situations. And I'd love to pray to the Lord that he spares me from such things and that I may be blessed with something different because of my mother's hard work and because of what she went through. It does provide me with a better life than the one that she had the opportunity to experience at the time. And that just. That's a heart posture. Like, it truly. It truly is a heart posture. And in this process of doing so, that thought. I view it so differently now, of course, like. Well, I don't want my son to view me the way I view my mom. The problem isn't with what my mom did. The problem is with how I view her. And the problem wouldn't be with what I do. The problem would be with how I taught my son to view people. And that's been so powerful for me. And again, that's like years, years coming together, really focusing on this work. And I live this work. I live it. I breathe it, I write it, I nurture it. I. I stay fully immersed and engulfed in it in every single way. I abs. I just. I have a complete obsession with it. And for you, as you're listening to this, I promise that as you bring regulation into your home, you're going to start viewing things completely differently, just like me. And whether it's going to be people outside your home that you're viewing differently, because now you. You're holding yourself to a standard of, yes, they. Yes, they did that, and what am I going to do about it? Because that's what really matters. Everything they chose to do is just a representation of how they view themselves. So how am I going to let the world know I view myself? That's what the message is. If I sit here and complain about it, blame other people, justify my misbehavior Yell at them, send an angry text, slam some cabinets, take it out of my kids. That all comes down to me. And I really hope that you are well on your way to completely feeling and living in that state of mind too, because it will change your entire life. So for now, focus on some ways that you can bring regulation into your home again. For my family, it's burpees. I believe what is most important in this is having a conversation with your family that is proactive. I think one of the biggest mistakes that people make in trying to bring regulation into their home, especially after hearing that my family does burpees, is they skip the part of talking to their kids about regulation. They skip the part of everyone agreeing on the thing to do to get the anger out. And then they're just using burpees as punishment. Well, you hit your brother, so now you have to do 20 burpees. You hit your brother, so now you have to go do three laps in the backyard. And that's just going to build resentment and frustration because it seems like you're against them. You're adding to their burden rather than giving them an opportunity to set the burden down, to experience relief, giving them a way forward. And that's part of building trust. Our kids are going to trust us more when they know. Wait. Every time I come to my mom, I experience relief. I get a good idea, she hears me out. And that's the type of relationship I want with my kids. I want them to know, every time you come to me, I'm going to hear you out. I'm going to help you brainstorm ideas and I'm going to give you a suggestion. Whether you take it or not is going to be up to you, especially as you get older. And it's your, it's your life to live. That's obvious right now in these like, yes, I am going to hold you to this and, and yes, you are going to make this commitment and follow through on it for so many good reasons. And so am I. So am I. So when you bring regulation into your home, make sure that it's proactive. Everyone feels that they are in a calm state, a regulated state. They can ask questions, they can give their own suggestions. You may have a child that would feel worse doing 20 burpees than doing 20 burpees. My boys feel better. My three year old asks to do the burpees. Every time he asks, I'm like, oh, yeah, you better do your burpees. I say yes every single time he asks. Even if he's Done nothing. I'm like, yes, now's a good time. And it's the cutest thing. My 7 year old or my 5 year old will be doing their burpees and my 1 year old, he's 15 months, he'll go over there and he like squats down to touch the ground. He'll lay on his belly and then he stands back up. And it really is a family experience. We're all so connected, even when we are feeling so angry and we're working on ways to get this anger out. And there's so many good ways to do so. So recognize your kids. Natural stress responses. Are they intense? Hitting, yelling, saying things, throwing things? Is it that intensity or is it shy away, shut down, go to my room, isolate myself? Is it just that disconnect for them where they kind of just shut down? Burpees are going to make that worse. Burpees are going to make that worse. So invite in ways of regulation that can best meet the needs of your kids. Your kids. I've been blessed with very high energy, intense children, and they love burpees. So this has been a key component to our family. Your family. Maybe it's a walk to the mailbox and back for some of your kids that need a minute to cool down. Walk to the mailbox and come right back. Take. Give them 3 minutes, at least 90 seconds. Give them some time. Go watch the mailbox and come back. Go watch the stop sign and come right back. I'll be ready. I'm waiting for you. I could even sit on the porch if you'd like. And for. For some kids that really just feel that sense of shutting down, maybe they just need a good long hug. A good long hug to help things simmer down for them. Walking laps around the backyard can be great for some kids. Dance parties, collective dance parties are a great way that can still be so high energy and intense. You guys have a. A family song that you put on and everyone dances out as hard as they can. I'm sure that would work great for my kids too, with the high energy. So, yeah, family dance party can be awesome. You can. Gosh, there's just so many ways you guys can. If you have one kiddo that shuts down a little bit, you can ask if she wants to be a little baby burrito. Say, would you like to be a baby burrito for a minute? And maybe the answer is yes. Or you wrap her up in a blanket so she feels nice and snug and secure and she can better reach regulate in that way. So it just. It really depends on your kids. There's so many ways to regulate. And I want you to feel encouraged and empowered to take leadership on this in your home, because who is better to do this in your home than you? And if you refuse to do this in your home, if you refuse to take lead on it, then who's going to show up and do it for you? There's times that we are just called to do more, to be greater than we've ever been before. And I believe, honestly, as moms, that's daily, especially right now, though bringing this regulation to our home is especially right now. So burpees is what my family does. I hope that this episode sincerely served you. You're ready to have a proactive conversation, meet these incredible questions that come up and just remain entirely connected to your kids in the process realizing that there are so many problems in the world and. And people are not one of them, children will never be one of them, and everything can be solved, especially when we face it together. So I just adore you guys and I will see you real soon.