155. Parent Like He's In The Room

Hey, friends, it's Tessa. I'm all fired up and ready for you to be back here with me because we are gonna overcome some major mental obstacles for you in your parenting with this one thing. And I've been thinking really deeply on this, and it has completely altered, like my heart posture, my mental state, my emotional state, what I choose to do next just by thinking this one thing. And right now I just want you to kind of consider, do you parent differently depending on who is around? Which I think most of us can say, yeah, I do, or I just. Or outside of parenting, right? Do I show up differently for my spouse? Do I talk to him differently, depending on who's around? Do I answer a phone call differently, depending on who's around me, whatever it is. And I was. This kind of started because in my membership recently, we were doing a live coaching session and there's some such a sweet member that really wants to be a specific version of herself. And she has this beautiful I am statement that she's striving towards. And she said, but how do I do that when my husband's in a bad mood 90% of the time? Like, how am I supposed to still be this version of me when he's in a bad mood? And she said, literally, I'm not even exaggerating 90% of the time. And it got me thinking about all the other times that we put this if after who we want to be. So my I am statement is, I am of the vine of Christ, obedient, truthful, and God fearing. He is alive in me, and I let him lead. And when we create our I am statements, it's so tempting to put an if after that, or in the moment, we're like, yes, this is who I'm going to be. And then we get to a hard moment and it's if my kids are listening, or in her case, if my husband's in a good mood. And then think about who you want to be, the mother that you want to be. Let's just. Let's just really talk strongly about motherhood here. The way you want to parent. There's a way that you want to parent that aligns with this version of you, this identity that you want to see yourself step into. And you've got to start recognizing where you're putting an if behind that. I mean, seriously, catch your brain in the act of self sabotage, where it's giving you a way off, a way out, it's letting you off the hook, and it's unacceptable. It really is who you Want to be must be so clearly defined in you that when you show up to something that could be interpreted as challenging, difficult, taxing, stretching, just sometimes overwhelming and overstimulating, whatever it is, something that would have totally pushed you over the edge in your previous identity and your previous relationship with yourself, you would have just caved. Those have to be the times that you can see how this new identity of the vine of Christ would handle something so much more differently than you've been able to access before. And regardless of where your faith is at, you guys, if you just listen back to the show, you know, mine has been absent to thriving over the years, and it's definitely in a state now where it's thriving. And that's like my number one priority is keeping it in this place because I can finally understand and recognize the beauty in knowing who I am, because I know who made me. And that's been one of the most powerful experiences for me. And it does come back to this if idea. Is there a place in my life that I'm saying I am of the vine of Christ, obedient, truthful and God fearing? He is alive in me and I let him lead. If I'm comfortable at home instead of visiting family for the holidays, if everyone's doing what I want them to do, if my business is going according to the trajectory that I thought it would, if people are keeping their commitments that they made to me, where do you say if. If my kids do what I ask the first time, what I'm recognizing? And when it comes to my faith, I would say that I am extremely strong in my faith. My relationship with God is just incredible. And I lack religion, I lack religious devotion and even clarity there. I feel like there's so much for me to learn about religion. And the more I read the Bible, the more questions I have about like the religions that are around. So that's just me personally, and maybe you can resonate with that. My, my point in saying that, though, is where we put this if, where this if is being interjected right after our I am statement is opening up your victim mentality again. I can only be that version of me if things are going exactly how I want them to go. And it's like, well, what kind of relationship with God is that? What kind of faith is that? If you think your plan's the best plan, that's really interesting. And then I bring up this religious idea. There's this. There's this message that children should listen the first time. Delayed obedience is disobedience. Children should never tell their parents no. And I really question that. I really question that. Because if God is my ultimate parenting example, which I believe he is, and the way that he is with me, and honestly, the way he's been with me throughout my whole life, that would lead me running back to him. I mean, like sprinting for a Bible. And that's without growing up in a church, without growing up with a religion and an Advent calendar, teaching me scripture and understanding a nativity set. Like, I didn't even know what nativity was. I. I just think the example that God has been in my life as my heavenly father and my what he's done, that just naturally led me to him, rather than this forceful or fear or you're not good enough message. It wasn't that that got me to pick up a Bible. It was this unwavering love. It was his desire to know me. It was his just his hand, his hand so clearly in my life. And me wanting to understand what is that and why is it that when I say Jesus or when I say God, my entire inner network shifts and changes. What I want to do next looks very different than what I wanted to do before. And that. That's a really powerful thing. It's a really powerful thing. So what I want you questioning here is in your I am statement. We all must have an I Am statement. I mean, go through any episode that I've posted here on momset. You know, you need an I Am statement. And if your I Am statement is still, I am exhausted. I am overwhelmed. I am beat down, I am forgotten. I am insignificant. I am looked over. I am passed up. Whatever it is that you're identifying with is literally how you're going to view the entire world. It's how your inner world is going to feel. You're creating an inner world to live in. And when you put it like that, it starts to make a whole lot of sense why you feel the way you feel. And it's absolutely not because of the laundry on your bed or the dishes in the sink or the bills on the counter, because all of those things are blessings. All of those things are blessings. And if you're missing some of the most laid out in front of you blessings in your life and you're calling them burdens, well, imagine what other blessings you're calling burdens to. And it does come back to identity. It does come back to our mindset. And we have this opportunity to shape these things, and it is up to you to do so. So whereas I used to Think before, like I can just create my own identity. And, and it's all, it's all me doing these things, like a me, me, me, focus. I see now that is that that's flawed for where I am now spiritually, that is so flawed. And I see how the Lord works through me and he gives me strength and there are gifts and abilities that he's given me that honestly, I feel very humbled to, to acquire. I feel very humbled to have these things that are easy for me. And I look around and other people want me to teach, teach them how to do it. I'm like, well, I guess this is what I'm here to do. And it's been a really beautiful thing. Really beautiful. So going back to this if idea, though, it's so much easier for you to recognize. Wait. The if only comes in when I'm really striving to be the best version of myself, which is what you're here to do. We don't say, I am exhausted. If my kids are getting along right. It's always the, the if good things. Like, I can only be these good things if good things are happening. That's where we put the if. And we've got to stop doing that. It's I. This is who I am. I am of the vine of Christ, obedient, truthful, and God fearing. He's alive in me and I let him lead. That's who I am in any room and with any other person. So write down your I am statement and ask yourself, is there a place I'm putting an if in my life that justifies me being anything less than this? Anything other than this right here? Is there an if that comes up if the baby sleeps through the night? If. If the baby wakes up less than three times? Whatever it is for you, it's. It's really fascinating to see where we limit ourselves and to live with such limitations on ourselves is. It's truly just sad. It's devastating that we would think so low about ourselves when we are God's favorite creation he's ever made. And we just have the nerve, we have the audacity to say that we're not good enough. That is wild to me. Absolutely wild. So here's, here's another thing that brought me to this message, though, of what changes depending on where we go or who we're with is when I'm focused on God and if I say the name Jesus and I'm. And I'm prayerful, like, I'm just focused in that moment on My heavenly father and I have this idea in my head of he's watching me. My entire parenting approach in the hardest of moments is so grace filled, it's so merciful, it's so just elegant and I flow right through it without having previously prepared exactly what I'm going to say for this moment. I knew all of this was coming and I checked it off and I approved that it be part of my day without any of that. It's that just spontaneous, difficult little moment that comes up. The one that just kind of surprises you like a broken plate on the floor or you just spent all morning making this big batch of juice and then the toddler spills it, or the kids do wake up to the night or three of the four wake up sick one morning. It's the unexpected things that when I'm focused on God and I'm focused on who he's made me to be, I parent with grace. It is, I think it's incredibly beautiful. It's just an incredibly beautiful experience. And I have such acceptance and welcoming for the hard moments to be a part of my day. Because the connection I feel with my kids through that and just that champion in their corner. I'm here with you and to be for them so someone that I would have found valuable to have for me during ages like that and times like that. It's so healing, it's so redemptive and I'm grateful for it. And I can only see the moment that way when I'm focused on God, when I'm focused on the, like, his hand is in this too and what he thinks of me. Because the moment my brain starts focusing and thinking of the people around me in the grocery store, like, oh, what are they thinking? Or maybe it's a family holiday and we're around family like, oh, what is my sister in law? What is my mother in law? What is my mom. What is my father in law thinking right now? Oh, my kids are acting, they're acting up, quote, unquote. My kids are doing xyz, they're screaming. My mother in law's watching me. Like all these people are looking at me. This pressure, there's so much pressure in this moment. What am I supposed to do with this? And that is truly the flaw in and of itself. The whole moment is fine. The circumstance itself is fine. Your perspective in it, what do they think of me is the problem. It's why you feel this pressure. Because if your perspective in that moment was what does the Lord think of me right now? What does The Lord think of this. What am I called to do in this moment? What has he prepared and made me able, uniquely able to do? And in front of all these people, regardless of who's watching, all of a sudden you feel a sense of peace. Because you know the only one that can judge you is watching you. He's. He's the one that gets the full picture. And while everybody else thinks that they have the opportunity and the ability to judge you, it just falls flat at your feet. Because we have one judgment day coming. We just, just one and only our Creator can deliver that judgment. So everything we experience here, here on earth is just other people's projections. Their insecurities, their limitations coming forward, their negativity. It's all so man made. And that's why you feel pressure in those moments rather than peace. If you're feeling pressure in those moments to perform, pressure to people, please, pressure to be perfect, perfectionist tendencies coming up there. If you're feeling a pressure to do those things, you, my friend, are focused on the people in that room rather than the one that's actually able to watch you and understand you and see the bigger picture and work through you. Because that brings peace. And I've just been thinking on that. When you have an I am statement and you put an if behind it, you are so focused on man. And you will feel a tremendous amount of pressure. Pressure to please perform and perfect and prove yourself. Pressure to prove yourself rather than when you're focused on God. And in that moment, he's watching me. So what. What is the most righteous thing for me to do? What does the best version of me do in this moment? That's such a heavenly question. To pursue a heart, heart posture and pursue a version of us and invite that to come forward in these ordinary moments, in these difficult moments around people, that maybe this would be their very first time ever hearing you talk like that to your kids. And if you're worried of what they're going to think about you speaking kindly to your kids rather than what does God think of me speaking kindly to my kids? What are, what's everyone in this grocery store going to think if I'm just like using this positive communication style with my kids, or if I'm at this friend's group and I'm the only one using this positive language? Where are all my friends going to think versus what does God think of me speaking so positively to my kids? Clearly, directly and positively to my kids? It's a completely different. You've put yourself in completely different Position and the emotions that follow are peace filled. All of a sudden I feel at peace. There's low urgency, there's zero rush. I'm just feeling so present. And in that moment and in that presence, I'm focused on what I can do to contribute in this moment. I'm focused on what I notice that I'm uniquely qualified to notice in terms of what my kids are experiencing and how I can help lighten that load, how I can help ease that burden, how I can help them gain the missing information that they have. Because the reality is when kids are having a hard time, they're usually missing some information. They're operating and deciding what they're going to do next with a smaller set of information than you have. You're the one with all the life experience. You're the one with all with more tools, more skills, more understanding than they have. So in those moments that they're having a hard time is literally one of the best times for us to just get down to their level and help them see what those missing pieces are while first understanding, okay, let's see what pieces you're working with here. Like, let, let, let me understand the pieces that you've got. And you can do that, you can do that so peacefully as a mother, as a parent, when you are focused on what does God think of me. Surely getting down to a child's level, asking them questions, helping to understand, challenging yourself to understand them before, helping them understand the holes and the amount of information that they have, and then providing them with that information so that they can see you as someone that helps lighten the load. Imagine a relationship like that with your kids where from a young age they learn. Whenever I'm going through something hard, I turn to my mom, I turn to my dad, because they lighten the load for me. I can just tell them exactly what I'm dealing with, exactly what's going on. And they help me see what I was missing. And that feels really good. They also believe in my ability to overcome hard things. So when I have all the information that I need and now it's just about taking that action. It's about having courage. They believe in me to do that. And that's exactly the position that we're in as, as parents. And I just see it as being this short window in our life that we're able to have this kind of impact, this type of impact we're really in. What other area of life do we have? The impact on the world, the impact on one individual person and people to come than parenting like this, this motherhood experience that we have where you bring a child into this world and you know them from day one and you're right there with them, that that's impact to raise the person that's gonna go mingle with society, to raise the person that's gonna go start a business or they're gonna go get married and have a family of their own. Like you're raising an individual that's going to grow up. And we've got to keep that bigger picture. This is an individual that's going to grow up and be there by someone else's side when they're having a hard time. So what do I want my child to know to do when they're at someone else's side when they're having a hard time? And I, I do see how that conflicts with popular narrative right now, even I would even say, especially amongst some Christian content communities, circles, whatever you want to call it. And that's why I, I do feel a challenge with religion, although I feel such an ease when it comes to faith and allowing myself to have my own relationship with God, my understanding of scripture while still learning and growing, asking questions, seeking answers in all the ways that I can too. I, I entertain the information and perspectives of others while while also giving myself permission to understand that my interpretation of something is valuable too. And that's how everything's created by other people's interpretations of things. So it's safe for you to trust yourself too, because everyone, everyone is figuring things out. We're all just figuring things out. So level the playing field in your head when it comes to all the people you have around you and recognize we're all just figuring it out. We're all just doing the best we can. So what does my best look like? What have I figured out up to this point? There might be some things that you outgrow. There's certainly some things, as I've shared just on this episode, that I've outgrown this idea of I'm doing it all, this is who I am. Well, actually, this is the way the Lord works through me. And it's really beautiful and I'm very appreciative and grateful for it. And I also appreciate the humility in that, and I didn't have that before. So again, there's gonna be things that you outgrow and it's still safe to trust yourself, to trust yourself as someone that the Lord is working through and he delights in you and he sets up these opportunities for you to see who you really are if you just trust him. So take away from this episode, I want you to write down your I am statement, and I want you to be honest with yourself. Where are you putting an if at the end of that? If my husband's in a good mood, if we're home for the holidays, if my husband agrees with me, if my kids do what I ask the very first time? Oh, yeah, sure. I'm so calm. I'm so. I'm peaceful, I'm patient. If my kids keep their hands off of each other, like, what. What kind of. What kind of I am statement is that, friend? And that's exactly what your brain is doing. So recognize where your brain is putting in the ifs. And then if you're feeling a pressure, like it's so hard for you to be this version of you that, you know, you feel called to, you know, is a purposeful step in your life, you know it's a good thing, you know you should do it. And if you're feeling discouraged or you're feeling scared or you're feeling a pressure to do it, and it's like that. People pleasing perfection, performance and approval of people, of other people. If that's what you're doing it for, just start asking yourself, what does God think about me showing up this way in this room? What does God think about me parenting this way? What does God think about me disciplining this way? What does God think about me leading my home in this way? What does God think about me going to bed at this time and waking up at this time? What does God think about my workout routine? What does God think about what I'm eating? All the things that you do that you fear judgment of. Let's just start asking from the one who actually has the ability to truly judge you in a way that is meaningful and actually matters outside of that, Bren, the rest of it, you're about to just blow yourself away. You're going to be blown away. The difference that it makes when you start parenting from a place of what does God think of what I'm doing compared to, wow, I wonder what all the other moms at this park are thinking or what all the other people on social media think that I would dare use positive language with my kids. And. And this does come back to scripture in several different places. So I hope that you'll take to your Bible for some prayer, some confirmation, some conviction, and just see where in your life you've got a big if that's keeping you from being who you want to be. You're focused on the things of man. You're focused on what everybody else thinks of you instead of what God thinks of you. And it is crazy the difference that takes place in your marriage and in your parenting and how you show up when you recognize God is watching me. So you all can watch me do this to the very best of my ability. Because God is watching me. So I'm. I'm a show up. I'm going to do what he has clearly believed I have the ability to overcome. If it's here, it's because he knows I can do it. And that is just something that I feel free thinking of. There's just tremendous peace in that area. So if you've been having a hard time in your parenting, really just strive for the peace. What does God think about what I'm doing? And work from there rather than what other people are telling you to do or what they think of what you're doing. Like I said, we're all just figuring it out. So I'm wishing you a wonderful holiday season, sweet friend. I hope that this was just a breath of fresh air, a wind of encouragement for you, and that you're ready to show up in alignment with your I am statement. Remove all the ifs and, and just recognize that you are called to so much more and you are perfectly positioned to do remarkable things as soon as you allow yourself to do so. The rest has already been prepared. So I just adore you guys. I'll see you later.