16. Identity and the Bigger Picture

My friends, it has been quite some time since we've talked about identity. Right? So let's do it now. Let's kind of pull in, see where you're at and help you better create an identity that aligns with who you want to be, not who you've always believed you are or maybe who you've been told that you are. So identity. I've done previous episodes on this, but for anyone new listening, let's think about identity. So your identity is who you believe you are. You. And you are the only person with that type of power to decide who you are. Other people can certainly try. Sure, other people have influence on us, yes, but no one else controls us. Ultimately, at the end of the day, we have to be the people taking full ownership of what we're believing. If someone says something to you, you're the one deciding to believe it or question it, to see it as them projecting their own insecurity or, or do some self reflection and say, could this be true about me? Am I out of alignment with who I want to be? And that really depends on who's saying what to you. Is this someone that you trust and care deeply about and they're trying to have a vulnerable conversation with you? Well, that would be much different than someone that you don't know very well and it's a random attack on social media or something just silly that why on earth would I attach to that? This person doesn't even know me or anything about me. So you can use your best discernment there. But identity, again, who you believe you are. And people have influence over us, but not control. And we have to keep that in mind because ultimately you are responsible for who you are, who you believe you are, what you think about your circumstances, what you're doing. And that's going to be a big part of what we're going to talk about today with identity and what you're saying. We have to give ourselves permission that no matter the circumstances, we are going to focus on controlling ourselves. But so often we're distracted by the circumstances and trying to control them. Other people, other things. Making sure certain things don't happen. Like acting like we control the freaking world, which we don't. Making sure your baby doesn't wake up in the middle of the night. Like you don't necessarily control that part. You control what you do, you control your efforts, but you don't control the outcomes because there's so many things in that outcome that you didn't have control over in the first place. Because you don't control other people. So gosh, that is like 18 different episodes that we could do just the first two minutes of this show. But okay, back on track. My point is, if we were to focus like all of that energy that we spend trying to control things that just were never meant to be in our control, import it back into no matter the circumstances, I'm going to show up in a way that I'm proud of. And I see how. I see challenges and hardships as opportunities of learning and growth. What if that was your mentality? Would you be so fearful of the challenges and hardships that come? Or would you be looking at, this is here, this is here now, and I don't necessarily want this, but it's here. And if I'm going to grow through this, I'm going to have to see it as my opportunity to grow. Who do I need to be right now? How do I need to show up? And focusing on what is in your control so you can best handle the circumstances instead of fearing whatever comes, you trust yourself to handle it. And that is just like so beautiful and so huge and something that you can do. But when it comes to your identity, if you don't believe that you're someone that can handle the circumstances no matter what comes, then you're always going to be someone trying to control the circumstances. But circumstances were never meant to be in your control. Controlling other people, controlling all the outcomes, that was never meant to be in your control. Sure, I want you to focus on your efforts. I want you to try really hard to maintain your health. Right. But ultimately there are so many factors outside of your control and you're gonna do the best you can to your mental and physical capacity. But you don't know what you don't know until you know it. And, and then you can make different decisions once you know it, but there's only so much we can do. And when you trust yourself to focus on your efforts, you are going to be the person that you feel very proud of and be able to reflect and say, I did do the best I could. But when you're not even happy with who you are right now, then you're constantly trying to control things that are outside of your control because you don't feel like you control yourself. So we're seeking it in other places. But why identity comes in and what makes it so powerful is going back to that actions point. It's not just about who you believe you are, it's about what your actions say about you as well. And I have a little formula that I want to share with you. I've shared it in the past. I share it with all of my clients because it's so meaningful and it's foundational. Identity plus mindset equals actions. So who you believe you are, your identity, and not just the who you want to be, but like really where you're at, who you believe you are. Identity plus the mindset, all of the conditioned beliefs that you have, the limiting beliefs, the positive self talk that you're practicing, like all of that comes into play here with your mindset is going to equal your actions. And it's nice to just look at identity and say, like, okay, I'm going to be this person, but until you follow through with your actions, you. You're not really being that person. You're not ever going to fully believe it because you know you're not going to be able to lie to yourself. Right? You know who you're being. Maybe you know that you have the potential to be better, to heal, to respond differently when you feel triggered. Maybe you know that you have the potential for that and you're just not sure how to get there. That's why I love putting out all of this free content and all these free resources for you guys through my podcast, through my Instagram, through my email list. It's is because I know you're capable of it and I know from personal experience that I was capable all along. I just didn't know how. No one told me how. No one. Not one single person. And all the therapy that I went to, and I'm not knocking therapy, you guys know that I love therapy, but I mean, the doctor's visits, the therapists, talking with people that I have deeply respected my entire life and people that have severely mistreated me in parts of my life, and no one ever told me about my identity, my self talk like I was criticized for my actions, sure. But no one was trying to understand why I did what I did. They were just looking at what I was doing and then again trying to influence my identity based off of that. You're so selfish. You're such a grudge holder. You see how that works through the experiences that you've been through. This is why in my coaching program, we go through experiences together so that you can create a new understanding of yourself. You've never been a grudge holder. You just never learned how to process through emotions, learn lessons out of your experiences and view people with empathy because no one around you was doing that. How the frick were you supposed to learn that? I mean, I'm self taught too, and that takes a freaking long time because you have to come to this realization where you're like, oh my gosh, people don't really control me like I thought they did. So why am I doing what I'm doing? Oh, I've been doing the best I can, sure, but I've been very reactive. I've been very insecure. I'm still traumatized by xyz. Like, there's always a reason why you do what you do. And the longer we look at our experiences just for our actions. Like the time you yelled at your mom, the time you ignored your husband, when you yell at your kids, or lash out on a friend and shut down or whatever it is that you've done, you're looking at those like, oh my God, I'm such a terrible person. I can't believe I did that. What's wrong with me? Well, that's the perfect storm, right? Because not only are you taking that on as your identity, terrible person, terrible wife, inconsiderate, selfish, worthless. Like whatever the self talk is, you're not only taking that on as your identity, but you're shaming yourself every single day. Anytime you get close to self discovery, to learn new things about yourself, you shame yourself. So are you really discovering anything? No. You're shutting down. And what happens with shame? We've talked about this too, so I feel like I'm just bringing in several episodes together. But it's fun. I like it. But what happens with shame is when we're feeling ashamed, we want to try to escape that feeling. Okay, well how do we escape feelings like that? We numb. Okay, how do we numb? We do more of the same things. We lash out, we shut down, we ruin relationships, we self sabotage. Isn't that what you would call like the perfect crap storm? Like the perfect downward spiral because you're believing the negative self talk like you're believing the I am terrible. I'm a bad mom. I. I can't believe I did that. What's wrong with me? You're believing all of that about who you believe you are. So that's influencing the identity. Then your mindset is built around that. I'll never change. That's a mindset. I'm too busy to do anything to actually help myself. Or watching TV in the evening is my only time to myself. Well, like, the evening time might be a big form of time to yourself, but watching TV may not be the best way to use it. But that's Your mindset about it. Right? Because self sabotage is so comfortable. So trying to escape this constant feeling of shame and it's so closely attached to your identity. And your job is to unravel that, to finally go on a journey of self discovery that does not result in the first two minutes ending in shame. Like you get two minutes into that journey of self discovery and you're like, well, obviously, because I'm a terrible person. That's why I did what I did. No, we're done with that. We've grown past that. That's so silly. We're no longer doing that. We're no longer entertaining this bully in our mind that shuts down any possible way for us to learn about ourselves and who we really are and why we've always done what we've done. So looking at your past experiences, you're not the only one drawing conclusions off of your actions and self criticizing self hatred and shaming yourself. Other people are doing it too. So they're. Again, people don't control us, but they have influence over us, Especially depending on the person and the relationship. So if someone knows, maybe it's your parent. They know the way that you've talked to them. Okay, well, that will be an action. They know the things that you've done. Again, they know about your actions. No one knows your identity and your mindset. I've told you guys this analogy before, this visual that I want you to get in your head. Imagine a ship above the water, okay? We're in the ocean. Everyone has a ship. So the ship above the water is your actions. Everyone can see each other's ships, the actions. Right, but what's under the water? A big old chain which is your mindset that nobody sees. And an anchor at the bottom of the freaking ocean, which, which is your identity. That deep planted rooted anchor in your mind of who you believe you are. No one else knows. You're the only person that knows. And yet what we do is we look at each other's actions and then we say, well, you are this. You are this. You are this. You are selfish, you are insecure. You are. I mean, we can say nice things too, but for the purpose of this, we're gonna talk about like the shame that we throw at others. Because shame is an attack on self. So when we're attacking other people, there's the potential of trying to shame them. And I'm using my words very carefully here, because no one really has the power to shame you unless you're not taking total ownership, which is another Part that I coach through in my program, that total ownership piece, is extremely important in your journey of self discovery and healing. Because you have got to stop pretending that people have that much power over you. The power to make you hate yourself, the power to make you shame yourself. No, no one has that power. The only time that that happens is when you respond that way, you react that way, you believe what they say and then you feel ashamed. But they didn't have that power. They influenced you, sure, but you could have handled that differently. And the more this is about you, the better. I used to try and make everything about everyone else. Well, they did this, so I ignored them. They did this, so I yelled, they did this, so I hit them, I cussed at them. I was doing all these things that were just not in line with who I wanted to be. But I truly believe that other people had that kind of control over me, that I was just a reaction to other people's decisions and actions. And I really, I know now in the four years that I've been coaching that I'm not alone in that belief. And now I just feel so called and purposeful towards this mission, this message of we're the only people that can decide these things about ourselves. And if we don't start taking full ownership and total ownership of ourselves and deciding who we are and stopping the whole like seeking outside acceptance, approval and validation from outside sources and just get it from within. If we don't start doing that, we. We're always going to be a reaction of other people's decisions. We're always going to feel like other people control us. So going back to our visual, I know I'm a little bit all over the place, but I feel like this is still good. So you're with me, I'm with you. We're here. Going back to that visual, the ship above the water, Everyone sees your actions. No one knows what you're thinking or who you believe you are because that's under the water. They can't see that. So someone else sees where your ship's heading, what your ship looks like, what your ship's doing. Maybe you decide to turn around. You're such an idiot. You've been going this way for so long. That's such a waste. I can't believe that you would do that. What's wrong with you? Well, if you have a plan and why you're turning around, it doesn't really matter what this person thinks because they don't know your plan. They don't know why you're doing what you're doing. And that's the thing, that's the important part is no one's asking you why you do what you do. They're just looking at what you do, what they see and making their criticism out from there. They're judging you from there. They're trying to shame you from there. And people, people aren't that bad. Like I know this sounds like I'm making people out to sound like so freaking awful. And they're not. They're just doing what they know how to do. We're talking about a whole freaking ocean of ships. You guys. It's not just you experiencing this. It's all of us. They feel criticized for their actions too. So what do they know how to do? They know how to criticize other people for their actions. And I truly stand behind everyone's doing the best they can to their mental and physical capacity. Does that mean I agree with everything people do or approve of everything people do? Absolutely not. I would like to see a whole lot better from certain people. Sure. However, try like skipping over where someone's at and why they do what they do and saying, I need you to meet me three miles over here from where you're at before I start being kind to you. Come on. That's not going to help people be better. That's not going to help us change our actions and know our own self worth and start treating other people better. We treat other people the way we treat ourselves. So until we start changing the way we perceive other people and why they're judging us. Why is someone judging you? Why do they freaking care so much? I don't know. Maybe they're really insecure in themselves. Maybe they're really struggling with their hurt. Maybe if you start growing, they feel really uncomfortable because they don't know how to grow too. There's a whole bunch, I mean there's a whole friggin list of reasons. Are any of those things facts? Not necessarily. Because you don't know. This person probably doesn't even know why they do what they do. Right. Because as soon as we get close enough to discover why we do what we do, we start shaming ourselves. And then we never get the answer. We never get there because we feel ashamed and we start escaping that feeling. So I hope you see how all of this is really coming together in the 15 minutes we've been talking together. How your identity is who you believe you are, but your actions say it. And until you get familiar with why you do what you do, not just what you're doing, but why are you doing it? What have you been through that this learned behavior, this known behavior, is the best you can do? Take that approach. I'm telling you, take the approach of I can be whoever I want to be, but first I need to understand who I am right now, who I believe I am right now. So I'm going to observe without judgment, I'm going to look at my actions and I'm going to make sense of them. That way I can start making a plan of what to do different and how to do it. How are you going to change if you never know what you're doing? If you're stuck in autopilot, mindless in your life, just being reactive to whatever other people do and whatever circumstances come up, right? We're just stuck in this state of reaction. How are you ever going to change? You don't even know what you're doing and you certainly don't know why you're doing it. And if you don't know why you yell at your kids, how are you going to stop yelling at them? If you don't know why you drink alcohol every night, how are you going to stop? If you don't know why you have this tendency to shut down during certain conversations, how are you going to stay open to conversations in the future? How are you going to start having productive conversations that lead to resolutions and outcomes and positive solutions? How are you going to do that? Right? We love to skip the middle. We love to try and skip the messy middle. The messy middle is who you believe you are right now, the message, the kind of mindset you have right now. And the really messy part is what you've been through, that you learned this as a form of survival. You learned this as a way to try and get what you wanted, right? These are all just learned behaviors. You learned it from somewhere. So that's. The messy middle is all of that self discovery work. But we try to jump right to healing. And that would be like, oh, I'm just gonna change my actions. I'm just gonna wake up tomorrow and be totally different and not be reactive to these things. And these things aren't gonna trigger me anymore. I'm just gonna be different tomorrow. That would be awesome. And I fully support you and I think you can do it. I'm not limiting you at all. I just don't know how sustainable it is. I don't know how effective that approach is. It never worked for me personally. So I coach you through what I've had to personally do to build an identity where I'm like completely confident in it. Completely confident in it. That means if someone else challenges my identity, I know that's not true about me. And I can confidently say that's not true about me. Before, if someone called me a grudge holder, I would totally shut down because I believed it my whole life about myself. Now if someone were to call me a grudge holder, I could confidently say back, that's not true to say about me. Please don't say that. There's my boundary. That's not true about me. I know that I can speak up for myself. I'm my own best friend. And even if someone else is like, well, yes, it is because look at what you're doing. Okay, well, I know that's not true about me. I know why I'm doing what I'm doing. I'm still processing through the emotions and it wouldn't be very authentic of me to have a conversation with you that I'm not ready to have because I'm not there yet. I haven't processed enough yet. My perspective is still the same. So I'm actually respecting you by not doing that yet because I still need to change the way I'm looking at things and heal through my feelings and before I get there. And that's just an example. But it applies in so many different ways. When you start actually knowing who you are and having clarity in who you want to be, it's okay if you're not there yet, but you've got to have some direction. You've got to know, like, I'm working towards this instead of telling yourself, I am reactive as a mother. I'm always so reactive. I'm impatient. I'm an impatient mother. Okay, well, if you keep believing that about yourself, that's how you're going to continue feeling. Every time your kids do anything that triggers you, even if they're not even doing anything wrong. They're talking, they're playing, they're laughing, they're building, they're creating, they're exploring. And you're just like loaded with impatience because it's just who you believe you are. You don't think you can change. You have to do the self discovery work. Why do you feel impatient? Why is this affecting you so badly? Why is this trigger here? Where does it come from? And then saying, okay, it makes sense why I do what I do. And I have some healing work to do here because it's not my kids, it's me. It's my experiences. It's something that I haven't worked through yet. And here's what I'm going to do in the future moving forward, I'm going to stick. I'm going to limit my distractions in the day with my kids so that I don't have to feel like they're taking me away from anything that I don't even need to be doing in the first place. So I'm going to limit my distractions. Like, that's when. Focusing on your actions would be extremely effective because you're building into I am a patient mother new mindset. What would a patient mother do right now? Okay, she could limit her distractions, stay involved and curious in what her kids are doing and just knowing that new game plan. You're building into the new identity of I am a patient mother and the new mindset with what would a patient mother do? And the new actions. You've created the game plan and now your actions are going to follow through because you've set your intentions on it. Instead of your intentions being that you want to be on your phone, you want this distraction, you have to do it right now. Like, we have to reconstruct it and understand. Like, you're not an impatient mom. You're just turning to a distraction right now, but you don't have to do that. And we're able to change and view ourselves differently. So I just wanted to dedicate this episode for you to have like a view of what it looks like when you're thinking about your identity, mindset, actions, how shame and other people's influence in our lives is playing a role here. But you're not stuck. You're not limited to other people and what they say about you. You're limited to what you believe about yourself. Your biggest limitation is who you believe you are and your refusal to go deep enough to observe without judgment and build up your shame resilience. That way, when your mind goes, oh, because you're a bad mom, that's not true about me. I'm not a bad mom. You're going to believe whatever you tell yourself. Your mind believes whatever you tell it. And my job as your coach is to take you through that guided journey of self discovery and healing so that you can become who you want to be, completely make sense of who you've been and forgive those pieces of yourself and give yourself permission to move forward with a mindset that supports you. And I will teach you how to do it. I've been teaching women how to do it for four years and I am just so fulfilled and like there's so much purpose and passion here and I'm so grateful that I get to be the one that walks you on this journey because I've been through it myself and I love that part. I love, I used to really like, not like that part that I had to go through it too, but I love that part. I've learned so many lessons and honestly, I can't change my past anyway, so why argue with it? Why fight it? Why be so ashamed of it? I can't change it. I better learn to accept it, to forgive it, to learn from it, make it serve me right instead of hiding from it and being weighed down by it from it. Like make your past serve you. Who has it taught you to be? What has it taught you to value in your life? There's so much good there. And yeah, I know you've been through a lot of hard things and I'm not knocking that at all. I just don't want you to stay stuck in the hard, stuck in the same emotions from that experience that happened 12 years ago, which is making it so difficult for you to have a new perspective and learn the lessons that you deserve to learn that will serve you for the rest of your life. You deserve this. I deserve this. And your identity, who you believe you are, that mindset, is it supporting you? Is it hurting you? Your actions, are they reaffirming an identity you don't like? Or are they building an identity that you love and feel excited about? So if this is something that you're just like all in on, I want this for me. This makes sense. I'm telling you. The enrollment for my course opens March 15th and I would love to see you there. It's a 10 day window to enroll and this is the last group session that I'm running where you work directly with me in the group of 2022. The next opportunity is going to be New Year's of 2023. So just don't miss out on this opportunity to work on yourself now. Why let one more day go by, let alone nine months, when you could do it now? Imagine what change could come if you gave yourself permission to observe without judgment, to learn who you want to be, to be that version of you. And I know you can get there, just like I knew I could get there, just didn't know how. And now I know how and I can help you. And that is so exciting to do it in a group of women, a community of women that are like minded, they get it, they want the same things. They've been through hard things, too. And they're refusing to be defined and stuck in that hard. It's unlike anything I've ever experienced. And I want that for you, too. So I'm inviting you to either join me on a free master class beginning next week. My first one's March 16th. And enroll in my course. You could do both the free masterclass and the course. The course is 12 weeks with me. You keep all of my material for life. And you can have lifetime access to the recorded group coaching sessions that we do together. So I'll link all the details to the free master class and the course. And I cannot wait to get to know you more inside of the course. I'll see you later.