160. Is Your Child an Instigator? | Mindset for Thriving

Wow. Friends, it's Tessa. Welcome back to the momset podcast. I've gotta say, I feel so encouraged knowing that you and I experience much of the same circumstances. They can be a little bit different depending on if we have boys or girls or the age that they are, how many children we have. And yet if you are in motherhood, you are experiencing many of the same circumstances that others are. And the way that we can find unity in that and create community through that and just share the insights that we gather along the way is such an encouraging experience. So motherhood has very generously humbled and enlightened me in the last two weeks, and I just knew that it would make a fantastic episode to share with you. So, welcome back to the momset podcast. Today we're going to be talking about really bringing intention to. To what it is that you're looking for in your kids, because whatever you're looking for in them is exactly what you will see. Your eyes see what your mind is looking for. And sometimes we work backwards on all these things. Like we are seeing so much misbehavior that we convince ourselves that it's our kids that need to change, and their behavior is the problem. And we know it's the problem because we've seen so much of it. The way the brain works, though, would say what you're looking for, what you're paying attention to is the problem. You're only seeing so much misbehavior because you've taught your brain to stop looking for the cooperativeness, the politeness, their mannerisms, their helpfulness, the endearing way the siblings are playing with one another. And we do teach our brain to filter those things out. And even though I know this so thoroughly, this is something I feel completely passionate about. Just like the way our brain is working and how we can tap into these incredible parts in our mind that leave us feeling free. Free from the anger. Like how I said I felt angry for 10 years straight, about the same exact thing. It was tapping into my perspective and expanding that and equipping myself and viewing myself differently that released that anger. Nothing from my past changed. Nothing about the people involved changed. I decided to change what I was looking for and the way I was seeing things. And this just continues to play out so thoroughly and so in all these beautiful ways in my life. And I thoroughly enjoy it. I really, really do. And if you ever feel like doing mindset work, changing your perspective, changing your communication style, changing your parenting methods, whatever it is just feels so hard. Like it's just Work to do it. I want to share one of my very favorite lines with you by the famous Mary Poppins. You know Mary Poppins. Love Mary Poppins. Just a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down. Yeah, we love Mary Poppins. Well, this delightful human Mary Poppins also said that in every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. Find the fun and snap the jobs. A game, and I live by that. Anything I do, I want to find the fun in it. I stay hyper focused on the thing I want to be doing in anything that I do. If I. If I'm choosing to do something instead of focusing on how I don't want to do it. Like, I don't want to view my kids differently. I don't want to be the one that has to communicate differently. I don't want to be the one staying calm when they're all losing their minds. Like, that's so much work. Why do I have to blah, blah, blah. Instead of that, I just make my decision of what I want, how I want to see myself show up, and then I find the part in that decision that I really want. I do want a strong connection with my kids. I do want to be their greatest cheerleader and supporter in their corner. The person that knows them better than anyone else and can emphasize and highlight all of the incredible characteristics and qualities about them, especially when they're feeling low. I. I do want to be a leader in my home. Like, I do want to set the example that my kids are excited to follow. Those are, those are things I do want. So I'm willing to do the work, the harder things, without letting that take the spotlight or make itself into a headline. So we're going to take a Mary Poppins approach to this and realize that, yes, this is a job that must be done in changing what it is that you're looking for, experiencing that empowerment. It's a job that must be done. And there is an element of fun. It's a brain game. Some people like crossword puzzles. Some people like word searches. Me and you. We love thought work. We love to switch around what our thoughts are saying and what thoughts we are creating and shaping our life out of. It's just a brain game. And anytime you play a game, sometimes you are going to sacrifice a pawn, right? Sometimes you're going to miss a step or a move you could have made, and you're still playing the game. You're still showing up. There's an element of fun to this, and we want to spend as much time in the fun as possible. So here's my story for you where all this comes together and you're able to live it more fully. My sweet darling three year old. He is a light in our home. I mean like a beaming, radiant, impossible to miss or ignore light in our home. And he is one of the smartest children I have ever encountered. And while I feel so excited about that, it does create some additional challenge in new ways for me. And he. There's just so much about his personality that is unlike his other brothers and, and what I'm used to experiencing. So in many ways it feels like every day with him presents something new to me. I learned something new, I discover something new, I'm shown something new, I'm challenged on something new. I like every single day with him has a new experience. It is guaranteed to me and this could be what I'm looking for. Absolutely. And to me that's something fun. Like it. It is really fun to know that monotony is so misfitting in my life. My motherhood has zero room for monotony. There's nothing about it that's dull. There's nothing about it that's boring for me, it's so stimulating emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, constantly stimulating me. And that engagement, that level of engagement is something that I thrive with. So I'm really grateful for it. And my 3 year old is an excellent vehicle of such things. So here we go. Here's how motherhood humbled and enlightened me yet again in the last two weeks. So admittedly, admittedly I teach this work, right? Control all of those you are statements that you're using towards your kids. And there was one slipping through the cracks of my awareness in regards to my three year old. And I had been referring to my three year old as an instigator like and just. And I wasn't ever telling him you are an instigator. It was just what I was sincerely believing in my mind about him. He is an instigator. He's constantly instigating his brothers. He's constantly trying to rile them up and get my 5 year old to fight him back or get my 7 year old to throw this big fit like why is he constantly instigating? And I know the power of the way that we decide to describe our children and I know it's going to condition our brain on what to look for. And it was the only way I could see it in that moment. It was the only way I could see it during that time. And this has probably been going on, like viewing, noticing this quality about him noticing this. Probably for like six, four, six months I've been noticing this. And I just, I got to a point where I just believed it. I believed he is an instigator. This must be a third child thing. This relates really strongly to how my husband describes his third brother. Like, or the third one in row. And he grew up with. There's four boys in his family. My husband's the second oldest. And then it's how he would describe the brother right under him, like as an instigator, a pot stirrer. It's how his mom would describe him too. So I've just, that whole narrative came flooding into my mind about being a potter, being an instigator. This must be a third child thing. It must be like being the third brother, having two older brothers. This is just what you do. And I was feeling so frustrated though. I was feeling pretty helpless and like I would reach this point where I felt stuck. And feeling stuck is not my jam. Really, really, really, really, really like to avoid putting myself in a position where I feel stuck. So I avoid language like backed into a corner analogy like, oh, they just like push and push and push until I'm backed into a corner. Like, I avoid all analogy and description like that because my brain picks up that picture. And the reality is we live in a time where we can always choose to do something better. You can always choose to move in a certain direction. And I've been teaching my nervous system that that is true. That is true. I can meet my needs in any room and with any group. I create my own elements of safety. My comfort zone is within me rather than a only a particular environment I can feel comfortable in. Like my comfort zone is within me. And building all that out for years. I like to avoid this idea of me being stuck. However, when I would view my 3 year old as an instigator, I felt stuck. I'm like, what am I supposed to do with that? It's just a third child thing. And honestly, in connection, the grand scheme of things, this is where I reach pretty much every single breakthrough in my life, in my healing and in my growth over the last 12 years now, as I've been working on like all this as a whole pretty much since I met my husband, is when I decided like, I've really got to work on me. And then it's just progressively gotten more intense and delightful along the way. And anytime I've made a big breakthrough, it basically comes down to this question of, and what am I supposed to do about that? Like, when my therapist told me that my mom is a narcissist, I was just like, what am I supposed to do about that? Like, I, I want an action plan for me. Help me feel equipped to remain in alignment with who I want to be around a narcissist. Like, if that's, if that. I mean, I feel like that term gets thrown on a lot anyway. So in some ways I take it with a grain of salt. And this is a really similar situation where my brain is saying, well, this is just a third child thing. This is just in this birth order, what they do, my mind goes that place of, and what am I supposed to do about that? Because I love ownership, I love accountability. I love knowing that there's something I can do in any room and with any group. I can be a lighthouse, I can be a positive influence, I can control me. And I do believe that there's always, always, always, always something you can do, especially something you can do that aligns with who you really want to be the way you want to see yourself show up. And it was really difficult for me to come up with ways that I would love to see myself show up. When I was referring to my 3 year old as an instigator in a pot stir. And then I saw like the whole vision take place of, like, what that's gonna look like in the long run. I was losing sight of who I wanna be in it. And it's. And again you start to feel stuck, right? So big picture perspective. I know when my brain asks like, and what am I supposed to do about that? I have found something very important and it usually helps me realize my focus was just in the wrong place. If I'm asking myself what am I supposed to do about that? I was focused on the wrong thing that like, the wrong detail in this circumstance was consuming my attention. So let me give you a bit a better picture though. So it's easy to say that I was referring to him as an instigator, which in my mind I totally was. And I want to give you some examples of what I mean by this. Okay? So he. If. If my two older boys are in the bath taking their bath and he knows they're in the bath, and he will go into the bathroom quietly, mischievously, and like sneak his little hand in there and turn on the cold shower on them while they're in a warm bath. And then all you hear from the bathroom is like this horrific screaming that freezing Cold water is coming down on these boys in a bath, like, and he would just do that. That was like one of his newer tricks in the last week was warm bath, cold shower type of thing. And for months now, like the past four months, and it seemingly just, it's kind of just started happening out of nowhere in my mind. Just out of nowhere. He wasn't doing this before and like four or six months ago, I guess he was like, closer to like being three years old now he's about three and a half. But anyway, he just started more of these, like, instigating approaches with his brothers. And like he, he would go up to their Lego table and he would take one of their creations and just rip it apart or take their creation as they're building it and throw it on the ground, take things and hide it from them. He would run. This was like daily running after my 5 year old to kick him and push him until he inevitably fights him back. And my five year old has more of that, like, fight response in him when he's in that stress response. The dude is so stinking tenderhearted and sweet to the touch. Like, he is. He is. Oh my gosh, I call him my gentle giant. He is just so sweet and he does feel that intensity where I've worked very, very long with him on this. Tons of repetition. Because even when he was little, if him and his older brother got into some type of altercation and my oldest son got the last hit or the last word or the last kick in before we had separation, I could have a whole, like, interaction with them of, okay, this is what we do when we feel like, bothered by our brother or annoyed by something or frustrated. Like, this is what you guys did and this is what I want you to practice doing instead. Because you are responsible for you. You are responsible for how you treat people right? So I'm teaching this whole thing and they'd be like, okay, mom. They would hug me, they would say kind things like, thank you for teaching me. And then my sweet. He was probably like two and a half or three at the time. My five, my now five year old. And I will always remember the day that they walked away from me after doing that and my son had just said, okay, mom, I love you, gives me this hug, and then as he walks away, he hits his brother on the way. Like he just had to get that out of his system. I'm like, okay, so this is why I'm a big believer in outlets in my home too. Like appropriately channeling the intensity that you Feel because once it's there, it's not just going to go away. And there's no amount of saying like you shouldn't feel that way that gets it to go away or prevents them from feeling that way again. So I love burpees or run to the top of our street. They have options. But anyway, coming back to my three year old, the way I was viewing him, that's why in my brain I just kept thinking like, oh my gosh, he's such an instigator. Going after his older brothers, throwing their legos or tearing them apart, turning on a cold shower while they're in the bath, he's such an instigator. Like, why does he have to instigate things? And what's so fascinating about the way the brain works? Like literally the psychology of this is our brain loves to be right. Your brain loves to be right. My brain loves to be right. And when we say something like, he is an instigator, our mind doesn't take that as like a harmless comment, a harm, a harmless passing remark about something. No, it's, it takes it as a set of instructions. You have just commanded your brain to look for and prove that he is an instigator. Just so I can be right. The brain just wants to be right. So now my brain goes and looks for the times that he's instigating more than the times that he's being cooperative or he's being kind and he's being obedient and he's being polite and he's being, um, a great team player, really understanding, really generous with his brothers. It ignores all of that and it only looks for proving he's an instigator. Because if my brain, think about it, if I say he is an instigator and then my brain goes and notices all the times that he's being generous and he's being cooperative and he's being helpful and compassionate with his brothers. Then my brain would be forced to believe that I was wrong. Oh my gosh, I was wrong. He's not an instigator. Like, look at that. Look how kindly he's taking care of everybody. There must be something else going on here. No, the brain will not do that. It will not do that all on its own. You have to forcefully put your brain in that position to accept and to recognize, wow, we viewed this wrong. Wrongo brain Rongo. This is. I just take my brain, I mean, I frequently tell my brain, too bad, too bad and get it to do the things That I know align with who I want to be. I know align with who I want to be. That takes a lot of. This is why it's just so helpful to view it as a game, guys, because it is. It would feel really easy to get yourself into a position of feeling defeated. Like, that would be really easy with all the wild things our brain does. So I just want you to remember, though, that as a mother, your brain doesn't care about being happy. It doesn't care about being, like, vibrant and thriving. Like, that's not the job of the brain. It's not even the job of the brain to be truthful. Isn't that bizarre? Our brain does not believe and it's not programmed to do what is honest and truthful. It's literally programmed to be right. And because it's so conditioned to be right, and that's the system that it's operating based off of, it will alter how you feel in different moments. It will alter what you're looking for, what you listen for, how you interpret what other people are saying and what you plan and intend to do next, all based off of being right, not being truthful, not being gracious, not being unconditionally loving, not even being faithful. And I, every time I, like, take my mind back to that fact, I just feel awestruck. It is. It is. It is so radical to me that our brain will do that. And that's exactly what it does. It will ignore everything else just to prove that we're right. Even if being right makes us miserable, Even if being right makes us depressed and anxious and fearful. Doesn't care, doesn't care. Just wants to be right. And that's the. That's. That's so bizarre about. This is so frequently we are wrong. We are wrong. And it's our ego that refuses to. To accept that we viewed it wrong. And we get all up in arms. We get so defensive about things. Like, there's something wrong with being wrong. And it's like the worst thing you could experience is being wrong. Excuse me. I love. I love to stand corrected. I love to be wrong. Like, please prove me wrong, because I just want to know it's true. I put truthful in my I am statement because if I'm seeking truth, it's not about being right or wrong. I just want to be truthful. So help me uncover the truth. And it's completely softened my heart. It's completely altered my posture in my interactions with my kids, because they very well may have a better point than me. May be right and I could be wrong. And that's okay to me because I, I just want the truth. I just want. I want to be truthful. I want truthful interactions. Like that really matters to me. And that takes a lot of conditioning to prioritize that over being right because that's not innate. So anyway, I was teaching my brain though, to emphasize the times he was instigating just to prove I was right. My son is not an instigator. He's not an instigator. Of course that's the behavior that I'm witnessing. That behavior is real. It's happening. I am witnessing it. And it's not who he is. My sweet Drooby is clever. That's who he is. Oh, he's clever to the core. He's always been clever. And that is a very exciting thing for me to think about and to witness each day is all the clever ways his imagination takes place and guides him to do. And he comes up with and just his outgoing nature. And he's so witty and fun and just clever is that phra, that term that just really describes it and describes him for me. And I was missing out on the delight of clever because I was so focused on instigator. So behavior is feedback. Remember that? Behavior is feedback if you're feeling how I was talking about in the beginning of this episode. That stuck. Frustration, helplessness, what you're witnessing in your kids is happening. You're not crazy, you're not delusional, making things up. It's actually happening. It's just our mind is so focused on that particular thing because it's confirming a belief we have about our kids. It's telling us, look, see, I'm right because look what they're doing right now. Oh, look, see, I'm right. Because look what he just did again. And then it ignores all the other things. My brain was ignoring the times when my son will bring his brothers a treat to share with him. My brain was ignoring the times that he runs wildly through the home laughing with them and participates fully in the game they're playing and gets something for them from the kitchen if they ask him to and shares his camera with them and makes room for everyone to sit on his bed for stories at night. All of those things are real and they're happening every single day. And my brain was only paying attention to and really looking for and attaching to the times that he chased the five year old to hit him and kick him and he turned on the shower when the boys were in the bath and he takes the Lego and he throws it. Rather than getting a little bit more curious about those things, investigating the behavior, behaviors, feedback. So rather than taking that behavior of what he, like how he was treating his brothers and deciding, well, he is an instigator. And then I have all this fear around what that means, what that looks like based on what everyone else said. And I was feeling trapped there. Instead of doing that, I focus on who he is. He is generous, he is clever as clever can be. And he is so kind. He's so kind. Those are like three very true things about him. More than instigator. And now I can investigate some of this instigative behavior and wonder, well, what is the feedback I'm getting from this? What else could it mean? Could this in instigative behavior mean when, when it comes out? What, what does it mean? Okay, and then just kind of paint, take it apart from there. This happened between four and six months ago, really started happening. What have we been doing in like what's been consistent in our lives from that time? Because I'm noticing that this instigation is increasing and our lives like now I'm gonna. And our lives are pretty consistent. So what are we consistently doing that is fueling more and more instigation to come out in him? Because likely he just wants something and this is the only way that he knows how to communicate it. This is the only way that he knows how to. I wouldn't even say communicate it, reveal it, make it, make it known. He lacks, he even lacks the awareness of what he wants. If he knew how to just ask plainly for what he wants, he would do it. I know that about him. I know that about you. If you knew plainly what you want, you would be more willing to just ask for it rather than complain or rather than yell at your kids or blame your husband. But our brain for like it just, it gets caught up in the wrong things. And it's up to us to steward our mind to do the things that align with who we want to be. And it's such a beautiful thing. It is such a beautiful thing. So anyway, I started investigating more of behavior being feedback. I know who my son is. He is kind, he is clever and he is generous. So that is true about him. When he's instigating, what does that behavior tell me? Well, I, I really believe and I saw it as he wants to take part in the two older boys connection more often. He sees that my two other boys have this incredible connection. It really is one of my favorite things to see every single day. They are thick as thieves. Two peas in a pod. Closest close gets there's they, it's really special. And I can see how that would be so hard for my 3 year old to see them just flow together, flow together. They finish each other's sentences. They have this like endless imagination in their games where and they're always kind of doing the right thing by each other rather than like oh you said that wrong and you don't do it right and you took that. It's like everything's part of the game. And whenever my 3 year old would try to get involved, the boys would, they had a harder time seeing it as like just part of the game. So I can see how that would really hurt my 3 year old in the process. Well, well now he's just going to turn to something else to get their attention, which makes sense. Biting them, chasing them, kicking them, turning on the cold shower and throwing apart their Legos. That will surely get my two older boys att. So taking this feedback though, I thought about it like okay, he just wants to be included in what they're doing more often. Well what do my two other boys do that my three year old doesn't do? Well at the time my two older boys had a set morning routine like with chores to contribute. They had, they knew like you wake up, you make your bed, like we had breakfast together, so on you help me like put breakfast on the plates and, and get everyone their breakfast, unload the dishwasher and brush your teeth, like get yourself ready, all the things right. So we had this like flow that they would do. And then I was still viewing my 3 year old as like the little guy. So I was doing more than I care to admit here for him. Just thinking like oh but you're so little. And like this is what I did for my oldest. Like I, you know, like you don't have to do those things. And anyway that's kind of the way I was viewing it and now I see how that was an enormous hindrance on him. And even my 18 month old, I'm like oh wow, like you, you thrive having autonomy and inclusion like contribution. You thrive with this contribution. So I have since really been humbled and worked on that. Just re instilling that just in the last two weeks because I'm like oh wow. I got, I got pretty distracted in doing things for my kids rather than including them and letting them make their own contribution and empowering them to know how to do these things which Just feels really good for them. And then everyone's behavior is so much better. So anyway, I noticed that about, like, contribution home. And then I also noticed with the schoolwork, my three year old has taken a huge interest in my boy's homeschool work. Like the workbook. Not just like, oh, we sing these songs, we play these games, like, sit down, pen to paper, workbook. He has an enormous interest in that. And I just kind of kept telling myself, like, okay, we're gonna start when, like when he's four, I'll readdress it. Or you know, like, well, this isn't what he needs to be doing right now. Like, he needs more play. He needs more, like, hands on. We can practice these things in the kitchen and during our games. Like, he doesn't need to sit down at the table and do a workbook. And yet he just kept, like, wanting to take part in it. So then he would try to write on his brother's school books. And then they would get super mad that he was writing on their school book. Or, you know, he would ask if he could do one of their pages. Like, no, it's my book, it's my pages, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, buddy, we're gonna do your school book. Like when you turn four. When you turn four years old. Yeah, your school book. And that was like the line of the week for him. And this happened several weeks ago, probably like three or four weeks ago. And he just kept repeating it. He just kept saying, when I turn four years old, I get a school book. Like, he was just really looking forward to the school book. And I'm like, well, why wait? Like, once I started really getting curious about this behavior is feedback. What is the feedback that I'm getting? The reality is he is craving contribution and intellectual stimulation. He's so clever. He wants to see himself put these dishes away and help to dish everyone's plate out and be. Be just as responsible to make his bed and get himself ready and help the younger sibling. Like, help, help the baby out. And he wants to have his own school bug. So realizing this, it was like a huge light bulb moment. I was like, all right, I'm buying a school book now. Why wait till you're four? Like, you say you want this? Sure, you can have it. And so I get him a school book. And he was so excited. And now for the last two weeks, he has sat down with us in the mornings and done a page of math and a writing, A writing page. And we. I also got him a language arts book and then realized like, okay, we've got to get like your, your pencil grasp down and really just spend time like learning each letter and learning its sound. So he's been using Legos to like build the letters out and practice the Alphabet and practice their sounds, distinguish the difference between uppercase, lowercase letters. And he is loving it. And with math, you guys, my three year old is doing a kindergarten math book, which I am not. I, I am so blown away by his interest. And honestly, I just feel so silly. I just feel so silly that it took me that long to realize all this instigative behavior that was coming forward and I had the nerve to, my brain had the nerve to say like, oh, he is an instigator. I feel so silly by that. He was just bored. He was just bored with a big old imagination and a lot of clever ideas. And he just needed the proper outlet for these, for this cleverness about him. This. He loves a good challenge. He loves to figure out a puzzle. He loves to figure out just like how things work. Tinker, take it apart, put it back. He loves, he absolutely loves doing those things. And I lacked providing him with the proper outlets, the proper channels for him to be able to funnel that curiosity and clever nature about him. So the curiosity and the cleverness remains and he would just get it out how he could figure out to do that on his own. And then I got all butt hurt about it and I'm like, that is so silly. Why would I think he knows the proper way to channel his, his mind and his energy and his ideas? Why would I assume that he knows the proper way to do that at three years old? Of course he's just going to go after his brothers. Of course he's going to do something like turn on the shower when they're in the bath. Of course he's going to just throw their Legos down to the ground. And the solution is so simple. I have learned with him. The solution is so simple and that's been extremely powerful. The solution is give him a little bit more of what they have access to challenge him more. Give him a greater job to fulfill, a greater opportunity to contribute. When we're making the sourdough, he's doing the stretch and folds. Baby Jake is. He's got the, the dough whisk. The. Yeah, I think that's the name for it anyway. My, my baby Jake, he's got the dough whisk and he's mixing the dough with the salt and the water and the starter and then my sweet 3 year old does the stretch and folds and just these opportunities for them to take part in something bigger than themselves and realize like, wow, I really do get the job done. I make meaningful contributions and I am learning these things and just realizing like, if I were to just play it by the book, I wouldn't start my 3 year old in a kindergarten math book. But that's the type of challenge that stimulates his brain enough and really fills this clever, curious cup of his so that he will go play peacefully with his brothers and cooperate kindly with me all day long. All day long. We. I've seen such an improvement in his behavior the last two weeks since we started that schoolbook and I have put into place a better structure of morning chores and everyone's responsibilities, including my 18 month old and my 3 year old rather than just my two older boys. So we are just constantly learning in motherhood and this idea of like, oh well, they need to be five to be doing a kindergarten math book. Or how I was telling myself, like, you, you don't have to be doing these things, you're only three, like, okay, when you're five, I'm gonna give you chores like, like I did for the other boys. And I'm just realizing like, the more kids you have, the earlier your younger kids do things than your older kids did. And I, I personally have experienced that to just be. I severely underestimated what they're capable of. And now that I see my older boys doing things and my younger boys are just naturally seeing these things, they're just picking up the pieces. They're like, I can do that, I can do that, I can do that. And I can just witness them and where their belief is at in themselves and realize where I was underestimating them. And now I'm just constantly asking myself like, well, what could I have the boys do in this? What would be challenging for them to take on in this rather than living by my own idea of like, well, that would be too challenging, that's too much, that's not fair, that's too hard, that's too early to start that Those are all my limiting beliefs. Preventing a thriving and steady and fun environment for all of us to literally flow in. The last two weeks have been so wonderful and it did come from four, four to six months of feeling like, what is going on? Because I was living in my own head rather than just getting out of my head and observing the people around me a little closer, a little better, a little with a little bit better questions to Ask myself. I wasn't even asking myself questions. I was just making all these assumptions. It wasn't until I asked myself that question, what am I supposed to do about that? That's like my red flag question of, you've had the wrong focus this whole time. And I gotta say, going from 10 years of the wrong focus down to like six months, I am very impressed with myself. Very. I can take that. I will. That feels good. And I know, like, I'm just gonna get better at these things. I considered a game. This is something, this is a game I want to play for my entire life. I am committed to thriving in my marriage, thriving my motherhood, thriving my health, thriving in my life. Every single day through any circumstance that I am presented. I will play my part and do what I can do. It's in my control to love what I think about it, to create diverse emotions and to have a better perspective of said emotions and what I'm capable of doing and have a plan of like, what does the best version of me do in a moment like this? It's really hard to envision what the best version of you does when your 3 year old is instigating. Like if that's the only focus, I mean, yes, you can do it and it's powerful to do that. And if that's where your focus stays, like, well, he is an instigator. So what does the best version of me do with an instigator? Does the best version of you consider your 3 year old an instigator? I had to ask myself that question. I am of the vine of Christ, abundant, truthful and God fearing. He's alive in me and I let him lead. Do I Sincerely view my 3 year old as, as an instigator if that's who I am? Does she ever think her children are instigators or bullies or, or what? Whatever. The, the just the, the unhelpful labeling that our brain jumps through, jumps to when we just care so much about being right instead of being truthful, instead of being God fearing, instead of being abundant. And that is something that is always within our control. And nothing needs to change before you change your perspective about it. So wrapping this up, getting the, getting the big idea, big pieces of this episode together. And I know I kind of did it all through story and lots of breakdown of my story along the way and that's just kind of the way I go here. So hope you love it. But what I want you to do is one, just get really clear on who are you saying your children are? Because that is exactly what you're conditioning your brain to look for in them. And it's not that that's all they do. It's just all you look for and remember what you're seeing is real. You're not making things up. You're not crazy. You're not dramatic. Okay? That's not the problem. The problem is your brain cares more about being right than it cares about being kind or helpful or truthful. So whatever you're reviewing or whatever you're referring to your children as for me, it was instigator. What are you referring to your children as? He is a. She is a. They are. Even if you've never said it to them, you are programming your brain to look for those things, to see those things, to act on those things. And then you. Your brain filters out the peace. It filters out the cooperativeness, the opportunity, their crave, hunger, desire to contribute. You filter all that out. To me, that is a great disservice to our motherhood, because noticing how. How much our children want to be connected with and contribute and share their abundance and their joy and their laughter is a great gift in this life. And we have an opportunity to fully sit in that every single day. If it's just at bedtime, like the time that you do get to spend with your kids, you have an opportunity to sit in it with them. Sit in, like, that natural state of who they are and take that in and recognize, like, wow, I used to have a lot more of that in me. And then I. I face the world, and now you're here to help me rediscover it, bring it back out. And that's a beautiful thing. So get really clear on who it is that you are believing your children are, and take a good look. Do I like what it's training my brain to look for or not? The second thing is what is more true? So instigator. What's more true than instigator is clever, a hundred percent. And it feels so much better. It feels daunting to say he is an instigator. It feels enlightening, like a breath of fresh air just comes over me when I say, oh, he is clever. It feels fun and humorous and like big ideas and these tiny hands. And he will find a way to make it happen. And it's so impressive every time. So making that shift. What is more true than what you were saying previously? Make that shift there. And next, recognize that behavior is feedback. So any behavior you are Using as the basis of that negative view of your kids. That behavior is still real, still happening. You don't have to just ignore it. I don't have to just ignore what my son is doing and hope it goes away. I want to understand that it's feedback. What is the feedback that I'm getting? Oh, he's bored. He really craves more stimulation. And these little three year old play by the book. Here's what three year olds should be doing is dull to him. He wants more stimulation than that. So we. I'm gonna get him a kindergarten workbook, okay? You get a kindergarten workbook, sweetheart. And he's thriving with it. He absolutely loves it. And then same thing with the responsibilities, okay? You have these big clever ways of viewing things, and rather than letting you channel it into this mischievousness, I want you to be able to channel it into responsibility. So same clever, same imagination. Two different. He would channel it into mischievous and I help him channel it into responsibility. And that's what you have the opportunity to do too. And I'm telling you, in doing this, you hold yourself to a standard of excellence. And it's not about perfection. You don't have to get it all right all the time. You don't even have to start here in your parenting. And just know this all along. It's okay to keep and maintain a standard of excellence for yourself and recognize I'm going to learn more and do better. As I just know I'm striving for this, this will become more clear to me. I'm okay with it being messy. I'm okay with making mistakes. I want to stay focused on this, though. That's exactly what you have the opportunity to do. So I have so many good episodes planned in the weeks to come. Um, just with all the humble enlightenment that motherhood has been for me in 2026, I am just truly fully enjoying it. I, I, I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful. And I hope that this episode touches and reaches you in just the right way, sweet friend. I will talk to you real soon. And I hope it's a wonderful, wonderful day for you.