166. "Makes Me" Mindset, Be Gone

Hey friends, welcome back to the Momset Podcast. We are going to be diving head over heels into some mindset work together. So buckle up, buttercup. I sure hope you're ready. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and I am committed to helping you be the mom you want to be in any room and in any group that you're in. And in my journey of doing this myself and constantly working on these things, I have caught some major mindsets that have limited my growth and they've limited my ability to be the mom that I want to be in any room and in any group. Which brings us to the Makes Me mindset that we are diving deep into today. So can you imagine living your whole life believing that other people make you mad and they make you yell and they make you someone you don't want to be? Can you imagine that? Like, imagine your kids growing up and living their whole life that way, just believing that everyone's out to get them and life is happening to them. And anything that they're thinking is someone else's fault and anything that they're feeling, well, someone else created that. And whatever they're doing, if they're not really proud of it and really happy with it, then they're going to point their finger at someone else. Personally, I can absolutely imagine living this way because it's exactly the concept that I believed and lived by for the first 23 years of my life. 23 consecutive years. That's what I did. It was like the milk I was raised on and the bread and butter in my adolescence and the biggest downfall as an adult. That makes me mindset. So this is a concept. This mindset makes me— my kids make me mad. My kids make me yell. My husband makes me feel invisible. My husband makes me feel so unappreciated. My husband makes me feel like I don't matter. This is the makes me mindset. Dishes in the sink make me so overwhelmed. People calling me without warning, without a heads up, makes me so anxious. All of this makes me mindset taking place in your life. So makes me is a concept. I am criticizing the concept. I'm harshly judging the concept. The concept is broken. You are not. So if at any point in this episode you feel a little criticized, you feel a little judged, remember, I am criticizing and judging the concept, and it's completely possible that you're attaching very strongly to this concept, so you're interpreting it as an attack on you, and that's not true. I'm just gonna put that as a big disclaimer in the beginning of this episode. It is the concept that we are deconstructing and recognizing as broken and flawed. So that you can be free from it. If you've ever heard that saying that our cage is a mind and the door's been open this whole time— our mind is a cage. That's what I meant. Our mind is a cage and the door to this cage has been open the whole time. It's just, are we willing to come out of it? Are we willing to be that bird that flies through the door rather than staying in the cage? And when you view your mind that way, you can constantly transform it and renew it. And biblically, that's what it means by being transformed by the renewal of your mind rather than conform to the ways of this world. Yes, that's exactly right. So now I want to share this light with you, uh, the freedom of the Makes Me mindset, because it is so freeing to go through life knowing you can be who you want to be in any room and group that you're in, especially as a wife, especially as a mother, especially as a woman. No one outside of you controls what's happening inside of you. No one can make you mad. That's your job. No one can make you yell. That's your job. No one can make you happy. That's your job. No one can make you grateful or feel seen or heard or validated or recognized. That's your job. So how we're going to go through this episode is that we are going to abolish this concept of make me. Your life with 5 key truths that greatly debunk the makes me mindset. And by the end of this episode, you're going to be saying, I can make a cake and I can make a blanket and I can even make a plan, but I can't make them and they can't make me. Right. You can make a plate. You can make a cake. You can make a blanket. You can make a plan, but you can't make me. Oh, that just like does something to my stomach every time I think that. And I really lean into it. Like, No one can make me. That's my job. My job is to make me into the person I want to be. My job is to think like the woman I want to be. My job is to feel like her. My job is to behave like her. That's my job. No one else can make me be someone that I do want to be or I don't want to be. That's always within us. So our first truth that we are leaning into is identity plus mindset equals actions. Not my kids plus my bank account, my bank account equals my actions. Not my sleep quality plus my caffeine consumption equals my actions. Not even my circumstances plus my upbringing equals my actions. All of those are false, false, false, false. You are an adult and you are fully responsible for what you think, say, and do, and who you choose to be Now, again, as we go into this concept and we look at this truth, so the concept is the makes me mindset. The truth is identity plus mindset equals actions. So who you believe you are is identity. It's all of those accumulating and repetitive I am statements that you're using. And if you really observe this in your life, what I am statements you're using and how frequently you're using them and the time in which you use those I am statements, you would make so much sense of your behavior. You wouldn't need to look outside yourself. You wouldn't need to blame your kids or your spouse or your finances or your neighbor. You wouldn't need to do any of that. You would find no gratification in doing that because you would immediately recognize, wait, I just said that I'm an angry mom and now look at the way I'm treating my kids. Your kids can stay the exact same if you no longer identify as an angry mom. You will parent your children and be a completely different mom around the same children. That's identity. All of those I am statements. So who is it that you're saying you are on a daily basis? And does it make sense that you are behaving like that person you say you are? You say you're lazy. I'm lazy. I am so forgetful. Do you understand that every time you say, I am forgetful, you train your brain to forget, to be forgetful, to align with that program and command you just gave it? I am statements are commands. You are statements are commands. They are instilled and programmed identities. And when you think about those commands and it's like, okay, I'm programming my brain to think a certain way and to view me as a certain person. Then my brain and my body are going to make me do something and be that version. All of the ideas that I get in that moment are going to align with angry, reactive, tired, disappointed, defeated, whoever it is I said I am. So it's so important to step out of the makes me mindset and into this conscious creation of your identity. Refuse to allow a single negative I am statement to leave your lips. Refuse to allow a single negative you are statement to leave your lips, because I promise you, there is not a reality in existence in which you want those negative I am statements to be true. You don't want to be sick. You don't want to be broken. You don't want something to be wrong with you. You don't want to be tired. You don't want to be annoyed, irritated, reactive, angry, defeated, disappointed, unappreciated, invisible, all the things that you say you are. You don't want that. So why on earth are you fighting so hard to be someone and prove to everyone, this is who I am, and I'm going to use all these negative I am statements just so you'll hear me, just so you'll hear this. Why are you fighting so hard for that when you don't even want it? It is wild when we take, take a step back and and think about how hard we're fighting for things that we don't even want to be true. You don't even want it to be true. And yet you'll scream it from the rooftops, not because it is true or it is the only way to see things. It's because we would rather someone else be responsible for who we're choosing to be than to take a look in the mirror, take that responsibility, experience that tinge, that friction, that feeling, that weight of ownership and accountability in our lives. We are just so uncomfortable with accountability and ownership, and it's a real problem. So it's that identity piece. Identity plus mindset. Mindset is what you're choosing to think. That's what it is. Mindset in the most simple form is thoughts. That's it. You are revealing what you think. You're revealing what you believe through what you say. And it's extremely difficult, if not usually and mostly impossible, to communicate out of alignment with the mindset that you have. When you're in a conversation with someone, you are going to say things as you see them. Well, you see things as you think about them. The mind, or the eyes see what the mind believes. So if you're in a conversation with someone and you're saying it as you see it, Your mind and your eyes work together. Your eyes are only seeing what your mind believes. So you're telling everybody the kind of mindset you have. If I just listened to you talk for a day, I would be able to bullet point your beliefs and bullet point your mindsets. If you listen to me talk for a day, you would be able to bullet point my beliefs and my mindsets. It's not a negative versus positive thing. It's just this is the way it is thing. So how negative do you want to think and how positive do you want to think? I know I am very much extreme on the positive end. I take this work to the extremes. I will eliminate makes me concept mindset from my life to the extreme. I will live in radical, complete, total ownership and accountability. I refuse. I refuse to give up even an ounce, a tiny little sliver of my accountability and ownership. Anything that I think is on me. Anything that I feel, on me. Anything that I do, on me. And I personally love it there. Now, that was not true 7 years ago. And honestly, the first 23 years of my life, that was not true. I wanted it to be someone else's fault. I wanted to blame other people. I wanted to complain about them. I wanted to say how I can't because of them. Guys, my whole identity was built on this hard childhood. That's how I started this podcast. That's how I started all my content. That's how I started my coaching, was this identity of my dad dying when I was 6, my mom being unavailable, and my stepdad was a pedophile, and all of this hardship, just, just so much hardship. And it's just, it's just like, I would love to view all this differently, and I personally want to create a life for myself. What do I want my life to be like? Yes, I have experienced those things, and Why am I allowing them to define me in a way and to build out my character to be someone that I don't want to be? I don't want people to know me by that girl with the hard childhood or that girl with the strained relationship with her mom or that girl that had a pedophile for a stepdad. Like, that's not who I am. It may have been what I experienced. And quite honestly, because of who I am today, I would choose to experience those things 10 times over if I knew I would be right back here. Loving my life, loving who I am with all this opportunity that I've created. Like, I would do it all over again in the exact same order that things happened in if I knew it would get me here today. And you have the same opportunity available to you through mindset. Nothing in your past is like this indefinite anchor that permanently stations you in one position. That, that's all choice. That's mindset. So the way in which you choose to think about things is your mindset, and that equals your actions. So when you think, when you believe, I am an angry mom, and you think, my kids make me mad, what are your actions? You have very cold, distant actions with your kids. You tense up your body, you heighten your tone, you quicken the pace of your delivery with your communication. You avoid your children. You complain about parenting. Oh man, do I have a note on this whole complaining about parenting thing. A doctor, a doctor, doctor on social media posted, my friend sent it to me. I'm personally doing a 40-day social media fast. Um, I'm one weekend and I absolutely love it and I have some help with my social media, so I'm still creating the content. I'm just not posting anything and creating content for me is like a hobby. It's like a creative outlet. So anyway, I'd taken a step back from social media for 40 days and I'm letting my team run it for me. And they sent me a picture, a screenshot of someone else's post that said, if you're not— he was holding up a sign and it said, if you're not complaining about parenting, you're— it's probably because you're not actually parenting. And I was just like, how, how is that our doctors? Like, how is that what doctors are saying about parenting and parents? And complaining— complaining is Victim Mentality 101. It's one of the 3 red flags. If you are complaining, you are coming from a victim mentality. Complaining makes the problem bigger. I teach that to my kids. There's no empowerment in complaining. You're just talking about problems with no plan of solving and getting into solutions. And if you really wanted to solve those problems and get into solutions, you would be asking questions. About them, not just complaining, going over the details and it's not fair and my kids never listen. How is that helpful? Exactly. But again, like that's, that's the mindset and then it drives the actions. So it's identity plus mindset equals actions and we can look at it forwards or backwards. You can look at someone's actions and have a really good insight into their identity and mindset. And if you know someone's identity and mindset, you're very equipped to predict what their actions are going to be. So makes me is not true. Someone else does not make you yell. Your identity and your mindset create the action of you yelling. You identify as a yeller. Like, you're just like, oh my gosh, I'm just such a yeller. You will literally take that on as your identity, even though you don't want it to be true. Even though it's not who you want to be, you will still say, I am a yeller. So that is my first truth. Identity plus mindset equals actions. Not what someone else is doing makes your actions. Okay. So our second truth that we're leaning into now is thoughts create feelings. This is well studied. It's well known in the scientific realm of our, of our world and the psychologists that are studying the brain and how the body works together and where emotions come from and the lifespan of emotions. It is well studied that thoughts create feelings. There is a chemical reaction that takes place when you think something, and it's a split second. It is literally like a reaction. It's a chemical reaction, and it's our thoughts that create it. So when we think, you know, I— this other person didn't pick up the phone, and it just makes me so mad when they don't answer the phone. False. False. You may still feel so mad, and that's true, you feel so mad, okay, but it's not because they didn't answer the phone. It's not because they didn't answer the phone. It's because what you think about them not answering the phone— you think they're ignoring you, you think they're avoiding you, you're making it all about you. And mindset— here we go back to mindset— if we were to reframe our thoughts into into, wow, I bet she's so engaged with her kids right now. She forgot her phone in her bedroom. I'm so inspired by her. I want to be more like that. I love this idea of missing some calls sometimes and letting some texts go unread. Like, I kind of love this idea, removing that pressure from my life. And you feel so inspired because your friend didn't answer the phone when you called. And then do we still feel mad? No, we feel inspired. We feel enlightened. We feel happy. Held accountable, called up to accomplish something. And that, that's that freedom of creation. It's the same circumstance though. So it's not our circumstances that create our feelings. A friend missing your call, your coffee order being made wrong at the drive-through, um, a flight being delayed or missed, or goodness, walking onto a 6-hour flight and seeing that there's no screens on the flight. And you're like, I was really hoping for those TVs to be there to help with my kids on this plane and they're not there. That was us just last week. It was a 6.5-hour flight and I really did feel hopeful. Like, okay, it's a long flight. The plane's for sure going to have screens. My kids can just watch a movie the last 2 hours of the flight. So the first 4 hours I'll totally entertain them. We've got our books, we've got our coloring, we've got our things, our snacks. We can for sure do this. And the last 2 hours I'll let them have that experience and that treat of a movie. And I had it in my head and we get on the plane and there's no TVs. And does that make me mad? Does that make me disappointed? Does that make me annoyed, frustrated, blaming the airline? Gosh, these airlines are so cheap. How are they going to put us on a plane to fly us 6.5 hours without giving us any entertainment? Woe is me. Yes, I could think that way. And it's just not who I am. It's not who I am to think that way. That is not my mindset, and I refuse to behave that way. I refuse. So since our thoughts create our feelings, I get on that plane knowing, wow, we're going to have a screen-free experience on this flight. That's 6.5 hours that my kids, in some point of that time, are more likely to take a nap because there's not an overstimulation. They're more likely to cooperate with me, follow instructions, be respectful of the people around them. Because they're not on screens. They will be in their books using the coloring things that I brought, having their snacks, playing with one another, talking to each other. Like, we are going to be fully engaged and take part in this flight fully together without a single distraction or form, form of screen entertainment. And that felt so empowering. That's what I decided to think about it. So my thoughts created my feelings. I felt confident. I felt purposeful. I felt prepared. That feels so good. And it would be so unreasonable. It would be just unlogical to walk on that plane like, wow, you guys just made me so confident because there's no screens on this plane. It really got me thinking about how I'm going to be fully engaged with my kids and I'm going to see my kids in this excellent behavior and light because there's no screens. If I were to say something like that, Like, wow, that airline made me so confident. They made me so prepared because they kept TVs off their plane. If you guys heard me say that, you'd be like, wait, a 1 1 2. But like, what Tessa's saying is like 1 4 trying to equal 2, and that's not adding up. It just doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense that way. It doesn't. So the identity and the mindset need to be in place for these actions to take place, and it's the thoughts that create the feelings, not the circumstance. Why would no screens on the plane for a 6-hour flight that I thought there'd be screens create feelings of confidence and purpose and engagement in me? That's not, that's not how it works. So we can use this truth that thoughts create feelings that is backed in psychology and by science. It's well understood. And we're able to recognize, like, I can be in literally any circumstance and love what I think about it. I can be in any circumstance and love who I'm being in that environment, in that season, in that group. That's up to me. And the power to do that is in what I'm thinking about it, not what other people are doing. Other people can literally do whatever they're doing, and I can have these gentle, compassionate, warm, insightful, inquisitive thoughts about the circumstance and about the people. So I also just want to really, again, like I grew up with this whole makes me belief and it was a common narrative in, in my home and in my family. And I mean, to this day, it's just, it's just, it's just common. And you have to intentionally step away from it. You have to intentionally bring your, bring your awareness to, wow, that's such a crippling belief in my life. In order to catch it. So I don't even— I wanted to add this part in here— I don't even ask my kids, how does that make you feel? And that may not sound like a big deal to some. However, the question, how does it make you feel, is like therapist all over the place, social media 101 bridge to validating people. Is just to ask them how that person or how that experience made them feel. Again, I'm criticizing concepts here, not people. I'm not criticizing professions. I'm not criticizing individuals. I am criticizing a concept of makes me because I believe it to be extremely harmful. I lived in it myself. I have plenty of experience with it on both sides, and it is harmful to ask people, how does that make you feel? Because it instills a deep belief system that other people and things and outcomes determine how my child feels, and they'll live with and soon be preaching "makes me" as they grow up. So given how incredibly obnoxious I was with the "makes me" mindset, I'd love to steer clear of that in my family culture now that I'm the one in the lead. It is extremely difficult to guide someone and to communicate with someone through hardship that believes the makes me mindset. It is so much harder for me to guide my children with questions and help transform and shift and mold their perspective when they believe their brother made them mad. And yes, my kids will still say, oh, he makes me so mad. They're still learning to reject this concept. And that's something I feel very passionate about teaching them. So since naturally they're saying, he makes me mad, or he made me, he made me lie. Oh, buddy. Whew, gotta cool it down a second. No one can make you lie. No one can make you tell the truth. No one can make you happy. No one can make you mad. These are all things that you are doing. Inside of you. You control your internal state. That's for you, sweetheart. If you don't like where your internal state is, don't go looking outside of you to improve it. Go inside. So if we ask our kids, how does that make you feel? Obviously, if we put two and two together, our kids are led to believe that other people make them feel a certain way and our circumstances make us feel a certain way. And what is— what's so cool about this is, let's say your kids walk into a room, they feel really, um, they feel just like insecure around a certain person, or just like really like turned off by that person for some reason, and they didn't communicate anything like exactly with you, but something feels unsafe for them. And they communicate that part with you. They're just like, I just really don't feel good around this person. Instead of saying, well, how does that person make you feel? Do they make you feel scared? Do they make you feel insecure? Do they make you feel judged? Do they make you feel terrified? Do they make you feel like you're being watched? Like, instead of a question like that, we can help to guide them. Like, sweetheart, you have an intuition. Your nervous system in your body is aware of everything going on around you. So when you have a feeling like that, it's important to trust it because your body is aware of something that your mind is still trying to find awareness for. It's still trying to figure it out. So trust your body in those moments and take space. You did the right thing. You came and found me. That's wonderful. That's perfect. Every time that happens, that's what I want you to do. We can still walk our kids through understanding, like, your feelings are powerful messengers. You're the leader though. Your feelings don't lead you and other people don't make you feel a certain way. You— it's, it's a failed— it's a failing approach to count on other people to turn your intuition on, to turn your instincts on. No, no. I want to trust my intuition and I want to trust my instincts to know when to turn on and to pull me and to guide me and to lead me and to follow those rather than saying like, well, how come that person didn't like turn on my intuition? Like, how come? How come? Like it was their fault for not making me feel like they're a predator, for not making me feel like they're a threat. No, no, that's, that's just so harmful and so damaging. So personally, I don't ask my kids, how does that make you feel? I believe that there are other incredibly insightful, powerful, nurturing ways to communicate with my kids in that example that I just gave that steers clear of this makes me mindset and preparing my kids to live through this perspective that other people can make them feel a certain way or be someone that they don't want to be or do something that they didn't want to do. Um, I want my kids to feel incredibly empowered because there are real threats and dangers and predators in the world. So the more confident my kids feel in, I can always tell the truth. I can always come to my mom. No one can make me yell. No one can make me lie. No one can make me steal. No one can make me cheat. These are choices that I make. That's how I equip and empower my kids to go into any room and be around any person and believe in themselves. Like to me, that makes more sense. So third truth that we are leaning into here, everything in life is a projection of what you believe. This flows really well with our first two concepts of identity plus mindset equals actions and thoughts create feelings. And when you, when you go through life and you're feeling really frustrated by what someone else is doing, let's go back to the example of a friend missing your call. And maybe this is the 10th time they've missed your call and they have not called you back in 3 weeks. Okay, let's paint that whole, that whole picture. The way you are perceiving what's happening is a projection. Like, what you're seeing happen in front of you is a projection of what's going on up here, up here in this brain of yours. What do you believe to be true about yourself? What do you believe to be true about this life, about that friend? How are you thinking about things is what you're going to see take place in front of you. And what so many people get wrong in this is they look at the picture in front of them. They don't like it. My friend ignored my call 10 times. They have not called me back in the last 3 weeks. They're just completely ignoring me. They're doing this to hurt me. They're, they're just trying to make me feel bad because of this thing that happened before. Whatever. You don't like the picture in front of you. What many of us do is we go up to the screen. Imagine that you're at a drive-in theater and there's a projection on this big screen. They go up to the screen. And they try to change the picture from the, from the screen. They maybe they notice like a big line down the middle. And let's say it's the line down the middle that's really driving you nuts in all of this. So you go up to the screen and you're like trying to pull, like, is it a hair? Is it just like a drawing? I'm trying to erase it from the screen. I'm trying to pull a hair off. I'm trying to fix the picture in front of me by removing that marking on it that is driving me so crazy. However, the screen is totally fine. The picture is totally clear. The problem is the projector. The problem is there's a hair, a line, a crack right on the lens of the projector. And the projector is this big. It's this big. It's, it's, I don't know, 3 inches around. Like, it's this big. So if we go in to this this place, this space of, I'm going to enhance my projector, I'm going to improve the quality of my projector, I'm going to make sure that my projector is ready to deliver things in 4K to me, rather than going up to this screen, this screen, and trying to change the projection. If you don't like what you're seeing in your life, it's not because people aren't good enough. It's not because you don't have enough. It's not because everyone else is better than you, or life is just so unfair to you. That's not it. It's back up here in this projector. What I'm choosing to think is creating these projections onto the picture. The picture's playing, and then I'm the one putting all the cracks and specks and, and objects and obstacles on this picture that I could thoroughly enjoy. I could thoroughly enjoy the opportunity to have a mature and productive conversation with another adult. I could thoroughly enjoy the opportunity to parent my children when they're going through something hard, when they reveal to me the skill set that they have and what they know how to do. And maybe what they know how to do right now is lie. Maybe what they know how to do right now is scream. Maybe what they know how to do right now is get out of their bed when I've said it's time to go to bed. Maybe what they know how to do right now is hit their brother. Whatever they're doing, I can have this projection onto the picture. They're doing the best they can. They're showing me exactly what they know how to do. That's why they're doing it. If they truly knew how to do this better than what they're already doing, they would do that. Because my kids are already internally driven to do the best they can, to do what they know how to do, to want to be better. And maybe it does feel extremely frustrating for them right now that they are hitting their brother again and they know it's wrong and they feel so frustrated that they found themselves there again doing the wrong thing and yet they don't know what else to do. And I talk to mothers every single day that find themselves in that position. They feel so frustrated with themselves and so defeated and so disappointed in themselves for yelling and they find themselves in these circumstances that they're yelling, and that's like the best they could do in that moment. They know it's wrong, but they don't know what else to do instead. They know name-calling, calling their kids is wrong, but they don't know how to communicate without name-calling instead. And when we start viewing people that way and circumstances that way— everyone's just doing the best they can to their mental and physical capacity. Am I seriously here to make it worse? Is my judgment of them, my criticism of them, my holier-than-thou or my woe is me, is that going to make things better or is it going to make things worse? And holding myself to a standard of any circumstance I find myself in, in absolutely any season, in any group, in any room, I will be there to make it better. I don't care where I'm at. I don't care where I find myself or who I find myself around. I, if I commit myself to making every room better because I'm in it and every relationship better because I contribute to it, surely things will improve. I mean, surely everything will be viewed as an opportunity. That's those projections though. It's those projections where, wouldn't it be so cool to see your kids having a hard time right in front of you? Here's the picture. And then to project something onto them that's so beautiful, it's so lovely, it's so life-giving for you, where you're like, this is my chance to really steward them and shepherd them and guide them and to be a disciple of Jesus Christ that brings them closer to what is truthful and what is good, and, and to give them a skill that they may be, that they may be missing. Do you still view them getting out of bed, hitting a sibling, lying, yelling, cheating, stealing, um, going through a difficulty with a friend, mistreating someone else. You still view all those things the same way when you change your projection onto it. So that's what I mean when I say that everything in life is a projection of what you believe. And when you change those beliefs, you clear up the lens. It's amazing how the pictures improve automatically. Our fourth truth that we're leaning into is whatever you do, choose and think it's because of one of four things. It's not because someone made you— no, you don't think what you think because someone else made you. You don't feel what you feel because someone else made you. You don't do what you do because if someone else made you. You do what you do and you think what you think and you feel what you feel because you want to, it's number 1. You want to. Number 2 is you get to. You have the right to do that. Do you have the opportunity to do that? Number 3 is you like to. You actually have a preference in doing that thing. You would choose it over something So you like to do it. And number 4 is you can. You have the capacity to do it. You have the opportunity to do it. And so you do. It is not because someone else made you do it. If you yell, it's because you wanted to yell, not because someone else made you yell. You yelled because you wanted to yell. You wanted to yell more than you wanted to do something else, which was maybe that take a deep breath. You wanted to yell in that moment more than you wanted to walk away in that moment. You wanted to yell in that moment more than you wanted to turn on music and have a dance party in that moment. You wanted to yell in that moment more than you wanted to go outside and take all of your kids outside with you. You wanted to yell in that moment more than you wanted to do something else. Not because your kids made you. Your kids did not make you yell. You wanted to. And honestly, you get to yell. You get to do that. Sometimes you even like to yell. So you do it because you like to, and sometimes you do it just because you can. Just because you can yell in this moment, you are. Not because someone made you. It's never— you're never doing something or being a version of yourself because someone made you. It's always your choice, and your internal state is an accumulation of what you think, say, and do, who you believe you are. Will build out your internal state. So as you work on yourself and you step out of this makes me mentality and you work to improve yourself in your life, as you do that and you enrich that, that identity that you have. And we talked about like some people really identify as a yeller. Like I've just always been a yeller. Friend, that's an identity and you're building a whole mindset around it. Of course you're going to keep yelling. You can want to stop yelling all you want. But you want to be a yeller more than you want to stop yelling because identity will always take lead. It will always win out. And when we use that to our advantage, just to build an identity that wins out over yelling, build an identity that wins out over emotional eating or binge eating or staying up late or sleeping in or, you know, snoozing the alarm, having a sedentary lifestyle, literally anything that you want to change and improve, your job, your relationships, your health, your fitness, anything that you want to change and improve, you can through identity. It's fantastic. It's always a choice though. So we would be, would be put into this position to start feeling accountable and responsible and full of ownership for who we're choosing to be in the past. And right now in the present, even when we don't like who we're being right now, the way to become who you want to be is to accept who you're being right now. As your full responsibility. The more that you try to put the blame on someone else, you will trap yourself in that identity because you can only change it if you own it. You can only change that identity if you understand, I created this identity so I can create this identity. I created this mindset so I can build this mindset. But so many times people are trying to skip the ownership and accountability piece. No, my kids make me mad. But yet somehow I'm going to become happy. But you weren't even— you weren't even responsible for making yourself mad in the first place. So how the heck are you going to make yourself happy if you can't even make yourself mad? What makes you think you can make yourself happy? That's wild. If you can make yourself mad, you can also make yourself happy. So if you really want to get into a state of building and growing yourself into who you really want to be, that, that version of you, then you would be able to do that by accepting who you are today as your own creation. Because if you've created this, you can create that. And I like to add to this too, that I really wanted to say this in the beginning because I think this is one of the most strongest lines. This is like a little bonus truth. This is honestly one of the most strongest lines to rebuke the makes me mindset from your life. If your kids can make you mad, then they can keep you mad. And if they can make you mad, then they can make you mad again and again and again, and they can keep you mad. And then who decides when you get to stop feeling mad? Your kids? Do your kids decide when you get to start feeling grateful? Surely if someone else is pulling the strings and making us mad, then they would also be responsible for making us happy and making us grateful and making us patient. And if you're going to put all that, all that responsibility in your kids, I mean, one, at least give them a chance. But, but dude, it's just, it doesn't work when you look at it like that. It does not work because what, what empowerment do you have to handle something differently in a way that aligns with who you want to be if someone else is constantly pulling the strings? It's been you all along. You've been making yourself mad. You've been making yourself yell, not your kids, not your spouse, not your job, not your circumstances. It's been you. And when you accept that, you're actually able to change out of it. And finally, the question that rocks the Makes Me mindset is, what do I think about it? So someone does something. What do you do about it? Someone— your kids hit each other. And you ask yourself, what do I think about it? If you just ask yourself that first, you will start to gain so much insight and awareness into your beliefs. They shouldn't be hitting. Well, that's going to be really frustrating when you're watching kids hit. They know better than this. Well, how compassionate and understanding and patient and gracious are you going to be if you think they already should be doing better than they already are? Rather than what I was talking about earlier in the episode, is they're showing you what they know how to do. See how we can swap out these beliefs? I can choose to believe that my kids know better and should never hit, and they already know not to do this, or they're showing me what they know how to do. Yes, we've talked about this frequently, and the skill is still being developed. If they had the skill, they would do it. So I'll know when they have the skill when they do it. That's when I'll know They have the skill. It's been transferred successfully because they're doing it. So that question, what am I choosing to think about it? Your husband texts you that he's going to be home an hour or two later than you anticipated. What am I choosing to think about this? Oh, that he never gives me a break and I'm stuck here taking care of all the kids and doing the cooking and doing the cleaning and it's not fair and la la la la la la la. And you start to get aware of those thoughts and you're like, dang, is that like really what? My husband would even want me to think and want me to experience and want me to feel. And if I stay in these thoughts, how do I start to behave? Resentful, spiteful, angry, like the victim, putting things off, like avoiding things, procrastinating some things. Absolutely. That's how you're going to start behaving. And then you take on that identity that you're overlooked, you're unappreciated, you're neglected. And everything's unfair. Everything's just happening to you. And friend, again, we are criticizing concepts here so that you can be free of them and start really considering who it is that you want to be. Because I know you want to be someone that feels free, and I know you want to be a supportive wife. I've never talked to a single wife that's told me she doesn't want to be supportive. She wants to feel appreciated. She wants to feel recognized. She wants to feel valued and like a meaningful contributor, but she's never ever said, I don't want to be supportive of him. I've never heard that. I've never thought that. And yet we end up being unsupportive and being very harsh and critical and judgmental because of what we're thinking and who we're viewing ourselves as. And that is just, it's so powerful to know people can keep doing exactly what they're doing and you can improve. You can be someone that you love to be in those circumstances. And when you show up in those circumstances with a good attitude, as who you want to be, still feeling free and still living life the way that you want to live it. Just by, just through identity and mindset and your own actions. Not because you have a billion dollars in your bank account and hundreds of acres of land and unlimited everything and whatever, like total peace with every person in your life and relationship and a great relationship with your parents and all of your siblings. That's not why. That's not why you feel so free. And you don't need any of those things to happen before you feel free, before you feel peaceful, before you feel at ease and unbothered. It's actually quite empowering to experience something that you would have once felt bothered by, and now you feel unbothered by it. That's how you know you're growing. So I invite difficulty, obstacles, diversity. I invite it to appear in my life and to make its appearances and put on its little show. Like I, I invite those things in my life because it proves to me that I'm growing. If things were only going as I wanted them to go, and you know, every time I walked on a plane, there were the TVs just as I expected, or my kids were just always doing exactly what I taught them the first time, how would I know that I really am who I want to be? If there were no surprises and there were no, there was no diversity and obstacle and difficulty and challenge. Like I personally feel my most fulfilled and my most joyful when I'm stretched to the limits. Mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. That's when I feel my most fulfilled. And then when I have an opportunity to rest, I rest. I really, really rest. I nap on the porch swing. I sit and read, like, right when I want, even if there's a million other things that I could be doing. I really enjoy the rest because that fulfillment, that reward sensation was— is so high after I acted on the motivation to become who I wanted to be, even when it was really hard. To stretch myself to my ends, to meet the capacity of all of my containers and make them deeper, make them greater, push myself to be better than I ever knew that I could. That's when you actually feel fulfilled. So when anything is happening, we ask ourselves, what do I choose to think about it? Someone does something, what do you think about it? Do you think they did it to you, or they just did that as a reflection of how they feel and who they view themselves as? No one wakes up in the morning and says, I'm going to do everything in my power to really make Jane mad today, or goes to work as a barista wanting to get your order wrong, or gets in their car and drives to their destination knowing you are behind them and you know they just want to make you late. Respectfully, you and I are not that important. The world and other people don't revolve around us, no matter how much we like to think they do. They don't. And that's extremely empowering. So I hope that throughout this episode, you're able to take these 5 truths and hold them up against the makes me mindset and decide for yourself that the makes me mindset just isn't true. It lacks validity. It lacks the foundation of truth. And, and truth doesn't change in different circumstances. Like, that's not the way truth works. Truth is the steady constant that carries us through circumstances. And makes me is not truth, so of course it's not going to carry you through circumstances, especially those that involve difficulty and challenge. However, identity plus mindset equals actions. That's steady. That'll carry you through. Thoughts create feelings. Oh, that's truth. It's got your back. It will carry you. It will carry you. And being able to ask yourself, what do I think about it? And going, going through, going through our life with just this perspective of like, yes, this is happening, and I can still be who I want to be in this room too, around my grandparents, around my aunts and uncles, around my parents, around my neighbors, around the soccer team, wherever you go, wherever you go, whoever you're with, let them see the real you. Let, let yourself experience life more fully because you're being authentic. And authenticity has a really kind and beautiful way of showing up in our life. So if you feel like at any point, well, harming someone else and trying to hurt them is authentic. Because I'm just being honest and honesty is authentic. Oh friend, there may be truth in your observations and the way in which you deliver them says a lot about you. It says a lot about you. And there is always a kind— I tell my kids this every day. I believe this wholeheartedly. There's a kind way to say anything it is that you'd like to say. And if there's ever a point that, you know, you can only think of the mean way to say something, It just means you need to take more time to find the kind way because it's always there. It's just a matter of, are you willing to find it? Are you willing to create it? And that's beautiful. So I hope that you feel empowered to step out of that makes me mindset. I know I did that in a very big way 8 years ago now, and my life has just been dramatically brighter and, and lighter and exciting. Everyday sense, more and more and more and more every single day. You think like, oh, this must— this surely must be as good as it gets. And then it just gets better. It just gets better. And it is up here in our mind because life, what we're seeing is just our projections in our mind. That's, that's what we're seeing. And you are free to be who you want to be. So I hope this episode served you, and I will see you real soon.