167. How You Feel and Who You Are

The basics are always my favorite. I'm always humbled by the basic foundations that we lay for our mindset work and our identity growth and our emotional, uh, maturity. It's the basics that mean the most. So before you go overcomplicating your growth and journey to become who it is that you really wanna be, lean strongly into those basics because I still use them every single day. And this was brought up because recently I was on a placement call for a one-on-one client and she had asked me, well, Tessa, how do you like be who you want to be when you truly are tired? Like you truly are just so irritated by what your spouse is doing. How do you just be who you want to be when you really are irritated? And I thought about that and truly how many consecutive years I've heard that question and how long I wondered that myself too. How do I be someone that is truly kind and truly generous, selfless, mature, humble, full of faith when I feel, and I just, I just feel all of that irritation towards what someone else might be doing, or I feel super tired from being up with my children that night, or I feel really anxious about an upcoming procedure, or, you know, I do feel really hurt by what someone else has done. Where do we have some leadership over our feelings and remain in our identity? And that was truly the foundational thing for me to learn was that my feelings are messengers, not leaders. I'm the leader. And something as basic as understanding, I am not my thoughts, I am not my feelings, has completely enriched my life. Because now I can think and feel any way and lead my mind and body in the right direction to align with who it is that I really want to be. Because the reality is we can feel defeated, disappointed, and irritated and still be successful, full of integrity, um, focused on vision, and, uh, and extremely kind in all of our circumstances. We can just be that kind of person. And where we get so tripped up in this is whenever we feel tired, we start to say, I am tired. And when we feel frustrated, we say, I am frustrated. I am angry. I am irritated. I am depressed. I am anxious. And how on earth would you keep track of who you really are if you keep using I am to describe the way you feel? You're going to lose sight of who you are. Anybody would. And then we think that we're so far gone and we're so lost, and we try to point a finger at the thing that must have caused all this— motherhood. I lost myself in motherhood. No, friend, no. You either didn't know who you were before you came into motherhood, or you lost yourself to your emotions. You try to assign your emotions as leaders and you are the leader. So what I want us to be able to do is lean back into the fundamentals of taking full responsibility of who we're choosing to show up as, because that much is in our control. You can't control how many times your children wake up throughout the night. You can't control your husband's work schedule or his desires, or, you know, your, the family you grew up in. Whatever's caused the chip on your shoulder, you probably can't control it. So you do get to decide what you think about it. And if you have gone so long in your life thinking these thoughts that have caused great harm for you, you can change them because you're not your thoughts. And if you've gone so long in your life with these emotions that feel like they just wreck you and weigh you down every single day, like the amount of tired and fatigue and irritation. And now you've just become quote unquote that mom that you said you'd never be. And you, you can't even believe that you feel this angry in your role as a mother when you spent so long looking forward to it. I personally refuse to buy this narrative that this is just the way that it is and it's the way that it is for everybody. And we just have to wait for easier days to come when our kids are more independent, No, no, I, I just, I personally refuse that. So instead I'm going to figure out, well, what does it take to become the person that I want to be? And one thing that I know for certain is being able to distinguish the difference between who I am and how I feel and what I think from what is true. It's so empowering to know that your brain doesn't care about facts. It doesn't care about what's true. It only wants to be right, and it will bend reality and cause and create this narrative that is so hurtful and destructive to your well-being just to be right. Your brain will kill you as long as it gets to be right. So without the leadership over your brain and the clear, intentional identity that you create to lead your mind well, that's exactly what will happen. You'll fall under the devastation of what your brain is completely capable of and my brain is completely capable of. Our brains are exceptional at thinking negatively, at just assuming the worst and preparing for the worst because they're conditioned to perceive threats to keep us safe, not because they want us to be so harmed and devastated. Because they're looking out for our safety. And this goes like so much deeper than we can cover on this episode alone. It's just so fascinating to know that what our brain interprets as safe is not always healthy. It's not always where longevity lies and where real enlightenment and peace and gratitude resides. Sometimes we think abuse is safe because it's what we know, and yelling and feelings of rage feel more comfortable for us than feelings of slow and peace and gratitude and love. Someone loving you really well could feel really uncomfortable for some people, so their brain interprets it as unsafe. Isn't that interesting? I find that so interesting. And this is why our feelings are messengers, not leaders. They're usually misinformed, they're greatly misguided, and they need real leadership over them. Someone to, yes, acknowledge that they're there and validate their presence within without integrating them into identity. Just because you feel sad about something doesn't mean you're just this sad person. Just because you feel worked up about something doesn't mean that you're just this worked-up person. You get to decide who you are, and that is the key to navigating your feelings really well. And it took me a long time to learn that. And honestly, I'm grateful for the entire experience that I've had in learning this lesson and how I continue to learn it to this day, because I Believe me, I have a lot of maturing and a lot of humbling to do in my life. And I personally enjoy— I enjoy the journey of it. I really do. I enjoy the opportunities and the, and the times that I find myself acting out in completely immature ways and lacking humility, because it's that feeling of coming back to maturity and coming back to humility, humility, and back to faith that feels so good to me. So instead of getting all caught up in, oh my gosh, I can't believe I just got sucked into fear and made all these choices based off of fear, and what's wrong with me? Instead of going there, I call myself up instead of calling myself out. I don't call myself out and say all these things that I just did wrong. I recognize where I'm at, realize that it's wrong, and then call myself up to come out of it. That is such a beautiful thing to recognize. Oh wow, I slipped into immaturity. That means I can go back to maturity and stay there longer next time because I like it there so much more. So I'm going to put more effort into that. Oh wow, I slipped out of humility. Jeez, look at me here in my pride and selfishness and ego. How complicated, how difficult. Things are definitely gray and gloomy over here when I make it all about me. Right? Like, geez, I like it so much better in humility. I want to go— I want to go back to humility and make a conscious decision to not only go back to it, to remain in it. Because the more often we give ourselves the experience of facing consequences and contrast in our life through diverse experiences, the more likely we are to intentionally choose a path that Yes, sometimes feels extremely difficult to walk. And we know it's so much easier than staying in the consequences of pride and selfishness and conditional love and, and our fear that we are operating on. So I want to help you out on this episode. If you are someone that is just like, I act on everything I feel, if I feel mad, you're going to know. And if I feel wronged, watch out. And if I feel irritated, well, it will be obvious. If that's where you're at right now, let's come up with a simple I am statement that aligns with who you want to be, because I know you don't want to be angry. I know that. I also know that sometimes you're going to feel angry. So let's prepare yourself with better self-governing leadership for the times that you are going to feel angry and see what you do next instead. Instead of the yelling, instead of the shutting down, instead of trying to escape or cowering or being passive or permissive, instead of the things that you typically do, let's see what your mind comes up with when you give it better leadership. Instead of letting your feelings lead, what if we let identity lead? Because when it comes to feelings versus identity and which one leads, the one that you identify with leads. So if it's, I am angry, anger's leading. If it's, I am tired, tired's leading. And the way you can know where, where you've put the leadership and which one is leading over you, your feelings or your identity, look at your behaviors. Just observe your behaviors for a day. Because when you say, I am tired, you do things that literally create more of the feeling of tired. You'll skip meals, you'll, you'll decline the opportunity to drink water. So you'll literally dehydrate yourself and think, oh, I should really drink some water and not do it. Or you'll say, oh my gosh, I'm getting so dehydrated. And then just stay there. You're like, okay, I'll just have another coffee. Like, you will do things that create tiredness. You'll sit down a lot. You'll be in a sedentary lifestyle. You'll scroll your phone a lot because it depletes your creative energy and your, and your like desire to get up and move. It like declines that and depletes it. And then what do you feel? More tired. So if you're leading with, I am tired, which so many mothers are, and this is just such a positive step out of an emotional lead and back into an intentional identity. This is such a positive step out of that. There, I still, I feel tired, guys, today especially. I feel very tired. I was under anesthesia yesterday. I had my finger operated on from a childhood trauma. I've been up for since pretty much 1:30 in the morning when I could start feeling my finger. And then I got out of bed at 4 for some work at 5. And now here we are at 10 and I'm recording a podcast episode. And believe me, I feel tired. I do. I feel tired. And guess what? I feel the pain in my finger. And through that though, who am I when I feel pain and tiredness? Who am I? Clearly a woman of devotion and discipline and integrity to still keep to my commitments. I am a woman of fulfillment. My I Am statement: I am of the vine of Christ, abundant, truthful, and God-fearing. He is alive in me and I let him lead. I don't let my emotions lead. I don't let my misinformed and misguided thoughts lead over my life. I have negative thoughts too. I just choose to reframe them with what is true. I want what is true and what is good for me and what is factual that I can literally, like, tangibly hold it. I— if I'm wrong, I want to know. And that to me is just— it's, it's been such a wonderful way to live. So yes, I feel tired and I am still abundant. I have plenty of energy. I know I'm going to sleep again. I know I have what it takes to, to go through this day and, and to keep my commitments and do the— just do the best I can. If I know I can do something, I'm going to do it because it trains me to always recognize where my capacity really is. You never want to forget how much you're capable of because you stopped doing what you're, what you're capable of today. When you do less than you know you can today, you start to teach yourself to do less than you're capable of. And then you start to get really confused and honestly lost in this life because you're constantly walking around unsure of what your actual abilities are, what your actual tolerance is. And what does that do to your abilities and tolerance? It shrinks them. So now your emotional tolerance shrinks. When your child throws a big tantrum, the patience, the tolerance that you have for that patience, for that tantrum is so much greater than you give yourself credit for. And it's because we do less than we know we can. When there's a sock left out on the floor and you notice it and you want it picked up and you leave it, you just lost a little piece of yourself, a little piece of your discipline gone. When there's some dishes in the sink and you want a clean sink, And you want those dishes done and you say someone else should do it. You just lost a little piece of yourself. Just a, just a little piece of your service, a little piece of your integrity to do the right thing, even when no one's looking to show yourself, I can have what I want. And I have the ability to even create much of it myself. Look at me. And we all have this ability every single day. To grow our tolerance physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And I believe that's what we're here to do. And if you're living a life that your emotions lead— I am so over this, I am burnt out, I am exhausted, I am unappreciated— you're gonna feel that way sometimes, and it is always your thoughts creating those feelings. Your husband coming home in a bad mood did not create that feeling in you. You did, and what you thought about your husband coming home in a bad mood. And guess what? We could have thought something different about our husband coming home in a bad mood and not made it about us. And this is where I love the maturity and humility piece in my life, because wow, is my life easier when I stop making everything about me. It is so nice. You know how rare it's actually about me? Very rare. Coffee messed up at the drive-through wasn't about me. My kids fighting with each other wasn't about me. Baby waking up in the middle of the night, well, actually wasn't about me. All 4 of my children getting sick at the same time wasn't even about me. It is so nice through these challenges, through these difficulties, it is not about me. That's like one of my favorite lessons that I've really leaned into over the last 18 months is just That, that humility piece where I recognize I'm a single person and surely, surely there's, there's so much greatness in this life. And I'm, I'm very grateful for the opportunity to be here and just the humility to know, like, I'm not that important that all of these life events would just take place and take shape. To cause irritation in me and just to teach my brain that, like, this is just happening, not to me, not against me, not even for me if I don't want it to. So what do I want to think about this? And this is where I'm saying, like, if your spouse walks in the door in a bad mood, you can think, of course he comes in in a bad mood. We can't even have one good night together and he's going to have no patience with the kids, which is just harder on me. And Can't he see how much I'm doing? And I can't even have like a spouse that's attentive and appreciative of who I am and what I'm doing for him and how much I sell. Wow. Wow. You know what his bad mood was probably about? How? What he was thinking about on the way home. What he was thinking about during the day. What he experienced that day. Probably nothing to do with you. And what could have happened in that moment when we stay in alignment with our identity, and not our feelings is maybe we feel a little unappreciated that moment. And we're like, man, I'm feeling a little unappreciated. And then we lean back into our identity. I am of the vine of Christ, abundant, truthful, and God-fearing. He's alive in me and I let him lead. That's my I Am statement. You're welcome to borrow it if you need a, if you need a loaner or just create a simple one of your own, right? I am, I am mature. I am humble and I am truthful. That is going to take you so much further and serve you so much better than I am unappreciated. I promise. Take that to the bank. But if you're thinking from this pers— from this identity of I am humble, mature, and truthful, and you feel unappreciated, what's your first next thought? He probably feels unappreciated too. Maybe that's why he came home in a bad mood. I wonder if he's feeling very appreciated at work. You know, he works so hard for them. Gosh, he works so hard for them. I see him up late at night filing things for them, answering phone calls in the morning. He'll even walk away from our son's baseball game to take those calls for those clients. And gosh darn it, I wish they would appreciate him more. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to go appreciate him. I'm going to go appreciate him because I know what it's like to feel unappreciated, and I can see why he may feel unappreciated. I'm going to show us both that we are very appreciated individuals living out a purposeful life of fulfillment. And no matter what happens in this life, we've got each other and a home full of love and a family raised on values. And we are people that appreciate one another. We're not going to fall victim to other people's ways of unappreciation and taking-for-grantedness. No, we are, we are people of appreciation. I'm going to show that to my spouse right now. You'll treat him completely different. Than if you were have made it about you. But that's the difference. That's the difference between letting your feelings lead and letting your identity lead. Which one are you allowing to lead? Which one are you identifying with is the one that leads. If you're identifying with your feelings, all those I am statements, you're putting your emotions in a role that is way too big for them. And that's why it feels so scary. And like, there's no stability there. There is no stability in having an identity of I am tired. No stability there because tired is not an identity. It's not something that can carry you through difficulty, challenges, and circumstances that you face every single day, and you know it. And that's why things feel so unstable. But if you have an intentional identity that can help you through the ways you feel—unappreciated, tired, challenged, irritated, whatever it is— however you feel, to build an identity that carries you through anything you feel, and better than that, anything you experience, where the plan forward is always clear. Because I know who I am. I am of the vine of Christ. And what does someone that is of the vine of Christ do right now in this moment, even if she feels taken for granted? Even if she feels overlooked, even if she feels tired. You know who else felt those things? Jesus. Okay, Jesus. So if I'm of the vine of Christ, it literally just takes me back to the question, what would Jesus do in this moment? And somehow, somehow, endless mercy, ultimate kindness, uprightness, above reproach plans reveal themselves. And it leaves me in awe every time. So it's like, wow, I felt the intensity of those emotions. And if I would have put them in as the leaders right now, I would have done many things that Jesus would have never done. I would have— I would have resorted to some name-calling, and I would have— I mean, yes, Jesus flipped tables. And he also went back and served in the temple the very next day. So, but how many times are like we flipping tables, flipping people off, cutting people out of our lives and never stepping foot back there again? That's definitely different. Definitely different. But just this like gratefulness and, and, and awe and wonder that None of us are called to be perfect. None of us are called to be perfect. So giving yourself these opportunities to experience contrast in your life where, yeah, there's been a lot of time that you've allowed your emotions to lead, and so have I, but that just creates the contrast, the conviction as to why it is that I want an identity that can lead me in my life rather than these fleeting feelings. And then, you know, what's also something to consider when it comes to having built an identity around emotions is as soon as you don't feel that way, you're like trying to find a way to create it again. And you think there's something wrong with you if you don't feel that way. So let's say you've been saying, I am tired. Well, let's say you got a great night's sleep and you woke up feeling actually pretty good. And it was a special day, like maybe one of your kids' birthdays. And you're feeling all good about it and you started to notice, wow, I'm feeling like lighter today. I'm feeling a little bit more energized today. I'm feeling a little bit more excited today. You will sabotage that so fast. You will find something to feel irritated about that will create this tiredness. Like, oh my gosh, you know, now that I think about it, doing all of that in one day really is a lot. And I'm just going to feel so tired. You know, I just, I, I'm, I'm so tired when we do that much. You'll take yourself right back. Because that's where your comfort is. Instead of just seeing like, dang, we're going to have a full day. Like we're going to go out and do the things today. That's why we're celebrating this birthday. And you know what? Mom is ready to go. Obviously I'm ready to go. Look at me. And like getting yourself into a mental state in which you can see yourself executing this day really well. And it's the same. It's also the same thing though, identifying with with positive emotions. I keep all emotion out of identity statements. When I help clients with identity statements, when I'm, when I'm working on my own I Am statement, and even in guiding you here, keep emotions out of it. The emotion like, I just want to be happy— no, you don't. No, you don't. No, that's not an identity. I am happy is not an identity. It's not. No, it's not. Because you know what? There are just times in life that we are meant to feel sad. And we are meant to feel grief and we are meant to feel angry and we're meant to feel just a sense of just like passionate frustration over something. And the worst thing that you could do for yourself is to build this mental idea that you should always feel happy. And then the times that you feel sad, You'll think there's something wrong with you, but there's nothing wrong with you. That's just an emotional experience. Any emotion you can feel, guess what? It's there for a reason. Okay. This is, this is creation greater than you, friend, greater than you. This is programmed in you to feel these ways. You didn't just create something new all on your own, right? Like this is something your body's literally designed to do. So. You can take your trademark off of your feelings. You are not the originator of them. They just come. They come. Your thoughts create them, not people in your life, not circumstances. Nope. It's all what you think about them. What you think creates how you feel. And the combination between what you're thinking and how you're feeling is a big indicator of what you're going to do next. And that's where identity guides us. It leads over us. Because who am I even when I feel tired, right? I am abundant even when I feel afraid. I— it's just who you're gonna be in these moments, in these times in your life, is completely up to you. And yeah, you're going to feel all these certain ways. Good. You should be feeling all these certain ways. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. Maybe you just need an identity to be able to carry you through these very real things that you're going through. But instead, we're like fighting for someone to agree that we're broken, and we want the validation to, to say that this is, this is it for us. This is your max capacity. This is where you cap it in life. I'm like, excuse me, how old are you? Oh, what? This isn't the end. This isn't where you stop. Girlfriend, come on. I'll go with you. Let's, what are we doing? Let's go. Like, just surround yourself with people that see the best in you before you can. Surround yourself with people that believe in you more than you do. Surround yourself with people that have a new perspective to share with you. Surround yourself with people that jive with this message that you are not your feelings. That is so powerful. And you know what? If the, if the best way you can surround yourself with people like that is listening to this podcast, um, I support you. I support you. And I've been there. And, you know, I honestly, I am a great friend to myself. Like, I, I believe in myself more than other people do. I believe in my dreams. I talk myself up. I call myself up when I know I just slipped out of alignment. I call myself up and I speak life over myself better than anybody else, really. I just, I go all in on it. All in. Because if I want to do better so badly, can, can I stay in the same headspace that got me into that situation in the first place? No, no. I'm going to, I'm going to need to stand up and get going, start trekking. And that's what I do. That's what I do. And you know, for where you're starting right now, Create that I am statement. Just a simple I am followed by 3 character traits that really capture who you want to be. Honest, sincere, full of integrity. Uh, vine of Christ, right? I am of the vine of Christ. Disciple of Jesus. Enlightened, powerful, strong. Um, destined, divine, wise. Like, who you want to be is completely accessible to you. And think about it, friend, they're just words. What are you so afraid of? Go pick 3 words that you actually want to be. Go pick 3 characteristics that describe who it is that you actually want to be. And ask yourself, do I feel afraid to say I am truthful, I am kind, I am sincere, I am selfless, I am full of integrity? Do I feel afraid to say those things? Isn't that wild? That you could feel so afraid to be that person. And your silly brain— I told you all it cares about is being right. So you'll find out real quick if you've been fighting for a narrative other than who it is that you want to be, because your brain will tell you, no, you're not. Not because it's right, not because it's true, not because that's a fact, but because you have literally conditioned your brain to see all the ways you fall short. And all the evidence to support, I am angry, I am tired, I am sad, I am unappreciated, I am overlooked. So when you go to try and create a new narrative, guess what? You're going to face the music of all the— of all the notes you've been writing down this whole time. You've had the pen though. You're the orchestrator. You're doing the dang thing anyway. You might as well start writing music you actually like to listen to. That's the way I see it, right? You're gonna, you're gonna think something about everything anyway. You might as well have thoughts you love. You're gonna be someone in any room you go into anyway. You might as well be someone that you love to be in that room. You're gonna show up for your kids in the middle of the night or the middle of a tantrum anyway. You might as well walk in there as the exact mom you wanna be, cuz you're going anyway. That I just, I think is so powerful. So friends, get that I am statement in place. I shared mine here with you. Let me know in the comments here on the show what you're focusing on, the way that this spoke to you and resonated with you. Um, and if you feel so inclined, please leave a review on the podcast. I would really love to hear from you, what you're enjoying on the show, what I can do to improve for you. Um, and yeah, just get an identity that leads over you. Ah, it's like the free— it's the most freeing thing. Really, it is. When you know, I'm I'm gonna walk into any room and be in any group and love who I am because I know who I am and it doesn't change based on where I go, who I'm with. Baby, watch out, brand new woman walking through. I'll see you guys later.