168. Good Behavior, Any Means Necessary?

Well, doozy days and bounds of growth. Here we are back at the Momset Podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, here to humbly present you with a peek into my weekend and the ways in which I try so hard to condition my brain to be better and to hold myself to higher standards and how excruciatingly difficult it can feel in the moment to do those things. Because when you are trying to hold yourself to a higher standard and decide very intentionally who you are and shape your life to align with who you say you are and the type of quality life that you want to live, right? Be more of that designer of your life and living with intention. When you look to people that have been doing it for a long time, like I have tremendous mentors and role models in my life, and they are 15 years older than me. So I look at them and I'm like, it's so easy for you. How did you get it to be so easy? Like, you don't think this way and you don't have these urges and these tendencies and these behaviors that are just so fruitless and immature. And selfish and prideful. And I'm just speaking for myself here. Okay. So feel free to say amen. I resonate at any point. I'm just speaking truly from personal experience and to help show you that if I have become someone in your life that has had a voice of influence and you align with what I feel, just this, this calling and this this continuous desire to be better. And if I've become a voice in your ear and there's a few phrases that I've lent you that live in your mind a little rent-free, and maybe you just, you just feel this too. I want you to know that it is still incredibly difficult for me sometimes, incredibly difficult for me to reframe my thoughts, incredibly difficult for me to act in alignment with my I am statement and who it is that I want to be. Incredibly difficult to give people the benefit of the doubt and to communicate positively and effectively and to be that person that speaks life in the group and in the room. There's, I mean, even incredibly difficult to just stop eating after dinner or stay hydrated some days. Like, I am still very much sometimes in that phase where I feel like a baby giraffe on wobbly legs, where I'm like, come on, brain, like, we know what we want. We, we, we have declared who it is that we want to be. Why are you giving me this idea? This is not it. So this weekend, though, just perfectly captured this for me, where it did feel extremely difficult to show up as who is— who I say I want to be, and I still persevered through the the difficulty. I saw my way through the negative thoughts. I decided to take the opposition that I was feeling in my body, where there's the mom that I want to be, and that the opposition in my body was saying to do something very different than what I would hope to be my natural thought, that I imagine are the natural thoughts of my mentors and the natural thoughts of these incredible mothers that I look up to. I think that they still do have misaligned thoughts and ideas. Of course they do. They're just 15 years ahead. And reminding ourselves of that, like, how long have I been trying to make this change? How long have I been really in this? I still, I mean, I've been really intentionally and intensely focusing on this work for 9 years, 9 years. And like when I got pregnant with my first. And there's still more time in my life spent in the victim mentality and negativity and woe is me. And this reactivity out of control with my words, just this recklessness. I've spent more time in my life in that than with this intention and focus on growth. And really I've only felt extremely strong in it the last, gosh, the last 4 years, 4 or 5 years, and strong in more areas than a couple. Like the first few years that I was doing this, it was pretty aimless. I didn't have mentors or coaches or leading examples in my life. I was just trying to kind of forge my own way. So I would see success in certain ways and it would be isolated to that one person or that one circumstance. It was really hard for me to let it touch other relationships and circumstances too. So I'm just saying that, look at your life, how long you've been striving for this empowered mind and the things that I'm about to talk about on this show, how long you've been doing that is probably less than the amount of time that you spent in the victim mentality. And that always helps me like at least give myself as much time doing this as I did doing that and then really take in some, some observations, like then test yourself, give yourself at least the amount of time to learn as you did the other way. I think that's generous. That's fair. Um, so anyway, this episode though, Good Behavior, Any Means Necessary. I think that is like the societal experience in parenting. If you pay attention to, just go to a park, walk through Costco, take a stroll around Target, go to a— go pretty much anywhere, and you will have examples where we're so focused, and parents get so focused on the outcome they want from their kids: obedience, discipline, respect, kindness, good manners, consideration, um, service to others, selflessness. Like, this certain behavior or characteristic that we want to see in our kids, which is an outcome. We want that outcome in our kids so badly. We want them to sleep through the night so badly. We want them to eat their vegetables so badly. We want them to stop hitting a sibling or treat their siblings kindly so badly that we start to get hyper-focused on the outcome. And we build out this any means necessary, mentality and approach where we will literally give up parts and pieces of ourselves, ignore our values, silence our conscience, and go follow a plan that our brain presents to say, well, maybe this will work. And then you see yourself parenting in a way that you never thought you would and doing things that completely misalign with who you believe you are and the values in which you stand by and the way that you've viewed yourself your whole life. And now you're looking in the mirror like, who have I become? Like, who am I anymore? And I just think it's so interesting that if you look at the bigger picture, how many times we're told like women lose themselves in motherhood and how many moms are saying, I've lost myself in motherhood. And I used to say like, and I still believe this, you didn't lose yourself in motherhood. You didn't know who you were before you became a mother and you haven't intentionally decided who you are as a mother. So now you're just left with this unintentional, this unintentional experience, like human experience where I'm just reacting to things and I'm trying to be like other people and I'm trying to do what this book said to do, but there's no uniqueness and crafted character and anchored value about who you're choosing to be. So you feel like you've lost yourself, but you're still right there. Here you are listening to this episode. Here I am sharing and delivering it with you, trying my best to articulate this message really well, right? Like, here we are anyway. How lost could we possibly be? Like how it's just, it just takes intention. It takes focus. It takes the line in the sand, the conviction of no more, no more unintentionality, no more negative influence, no more just following the footsteps of someone that I don't even want to be. I'm going to decide intentionally who I am as a mother. This is why I teach I Am statements in all of my courses. In your alignment journaling that you do, in my alignment journaling that I do every single day, I started with an I Am statement. I teach I Am statements to my kids, which is going to come into the story in a second. And my, in my coaching community, like, you have to decide who you want to be and no one can do it for you. And that's the thing about happiness and contentment. Is there's no copy paste. It's not be more like Tessa Romero and I'll be happy and content. Well, friend, I live a really simple life. I strive for simplicity every single day. I love to minimize things. I love ease. And maybe that would like get your skin crawling. That's just not it for you. And, but I also have these areas of my life where it's extremely compact and condensed and I've got a 4-hour window to accomplish all of these things that I want to succeed and create and achieve. So that gets extremely intense and it feels really fast, really fast-paced, high pressure, high standards. And I thrive there too. So it's like, that's how I want my life to look. That is like, I'm living a life the way that I want it to look. And thus I feel extremely happy and content. Every single day. Like, I just kind of flow through the day and I love it. So for you, an I am statement that matches who it is that you want to be is the goal, not who someone else told you you need to be as a mom, that you need to be more patient as a mom. Well, maybe there's a way for you to look patient as a mom without ever telling yourself that you're patient, because every time you tell yourself, I am patient, you feel like you're going to crawl out of your skin. Like, follow the signs. Follow the signs. There are more than one, there's more than one way to get to that happiness and contentment. So anyway, coming to today's episode of Good Behavior, Any Means Necessary, except one, except one. Let's be mindful. Let's be, let's be cautious of this. And it was just so mind-blowing to me. So for some context, let me just lay the scene for you, the lay of the land of how I spent my weekend. On Thursday, I had an emergency surgery on my hand. Or excuse me, the Thursday before. So it has been a little— it was a little over a week now. It was like 8 days, 9 days. So about 9 days ago, I had this emergency surgery on my hand and it involved some gruesome details that we could just skip that part. Just know it's pretty gruesome and it's extremely painful and it's still very much wrapped, bandaged in an aluminum casing to protect the bone. It was like a bone thing. So anyway, Then my husband has this race that he's planned out every year for 4 consecutive years. He runs this race every Friday to Saturday before Mother's Day, and I love it for him. I want him to go 100%. Like, I love that he does this race. So I knew, okay, I've got one functional hand. Fortunately, it's my right hand. My left hand is meant to be restricted, meaning to only pick up things that are 5 pounds or less. Which is very few things in my home, seems like. And, uh, carrying my kids is like, I've got to do with my right arm. And that would mean like, okay, we're sitting down. There's no multitasking here that's going to take place. Like we are sitting, uh, because of my left hand. Right. So I know my husband's leaving and he left on Thursday, which was like a week from that surgery. And he leaves Thursday. 3 of my 4 kids are extremely sick. And then my oldest son has baseball that I really want him to be able to go too. So I'm just like juggling trying to navigate these things with one hand— 3 sick kids, an oldest son that has a baseball game that I really want him to be able to go to, and my husband's out of town. And anta-anta-anta. Like I could literally just keep going. Um, and that was kind of the position that I found myself in. And I truly worked so hard to get my mind in this place of like complete optimism and just certainty in my ability to do this really well, because I'm someone that loves to do hard things really well. Like I want to see myself do such hard things and know that it's hard and make it look so easy. On the outside and even on the inside. Like, I want to— I literally want to get myself into the position where anyone would look at this and be like, oh my, that is so hard. And I will be like, I know, right? And I just like flow through it and breeze through it because that just means like I've become the Simone Biles level. The way that she is in gymnastics, I am in motherhood and homemaking. And wifehood. Like, that is my goal, to be the Simone Biles of a family. That's what I want. I'm okay with without flipping through the air, like balancing on a beam. I'm good. I want it to look like that though, like the way she makes gymnastics look so easy. That's what I want. That's what I'm striving for every single day. It's the vision. So that said, I am Equipping myself, preparing myself. I'm in this steady flow. I'm honestly feeling so good. I got a babysitter to help me with the sick kids so I could take my, my older boy to his baseball game. And, you know, I was able to just still like navigate and, and be flexible with the sleep. Like my boys didn't go to bed till like 9:30 one night because we just were flowing, right? And I was doing so good. I was so happy for myself. Like, yes, you're doing it. Way to go. Um, and then I was outside with my boys and it's interesting because I was actually journaling. I'm in a 30-day or a month-long through May journaling challenge with my community right now. So we do our alignment journaling every single day and I'm participating with them. So I was doing my journaling for the day. I even asked my son to take a picture of me journaling so I could post it in my membership. And I wrote up my I Am statement. I read a little bit of scripture for some inspiration and our topic for May is communication and relationships. So I was literally writing the type of communicator I want to be in my relationships and mentally rehearsing these things out. My son takes a picture and then he puts the phone down for me and I'm still like writing in this flow. And then my boys were doing water balloons. So he leaves to go do water balloons with his brothers. And I'm sitting on the porch thinking like, what a life, what an extremely beautiful life I have. I'm sitting here on some porch steps, just journaling. Not on my porch swing because some neighborhood cat has been sleeping on my porch swing. It's covered in cat hair and I'm gonna clean that. But you know, it's all good. And my three— my four cute boys— I almost said three— my four cute boys are just in the grass right in front of me. Our street is quiet and they're safe and the sun is shining and it's warm and I'm in the shade and my hand is healing. Like, just— it just felt like, yes, all of our needs can be met simultaneously. And it just felt so good. I was just really taking it in, focusing on the stakes. And then, well, then, you know, if you put 4 boys together and tell them they can play water balloons, there is a possibility that someone takes it too far. That is a high probability in my house because there's just this intensity with their energy and their, their forcefulness in life. Like, it's just full, full force every day. And I think that's why I love having boys so much, is because I feel full force every day, and I operate at such high amounts of energy that their constant on-the-go-ness is like, yeah, let's stay constant on the go. I just, I love it. I totally thrive here. Um, so anyway, one of my boys took it too far and my two older boys that are now 7 and a half, he's almost 8, and 6 years old get into this conflict together. And you know, just, there's just sometimes as a mom that you like, see what's happening or hear what's happening. And you just kind of like let it happen for a minute. And part of you like is letting it happen because it's a confidence in their abilities and you're trying to like allow them to experience tension and friction and find their ways of resolving. And another part of it is evaluating their skillset. Like I've gotta be able to really see where they're at. Some of this feels a little like defeat, like, oh, this is where we are. This is where you're at, and these are the skills that you have. So a little bit of defeat in there for sure. And then there's this other part of just surrender where you're just like, you know, I'm just gonna let you. I'm just gonna let you do that this time. And that was exactly where I was at, where it was just a lot of surrender of, mm-hmm. Yep. You already know what you're doing is wrong and you're both engaged and involved in this. And I, I'm just going to take a minute. I'm just going to take a beat before I get myself over there and guide and help you to the best of my ability and properly. Well, then there was like the initial escalation and then there was like the explosion inside of the escalation that I did not see coming. My son, my oldest son takes off his wet sopping shirt and starts like helicoptering it and just whipping his 6-year-old brother. And to me that was like the jaw on the floor moment of, you're kidding, what? And, and then I was just trying to figure out like, okay, here I am. I just mentally like, it just, it's like the moment broke like the, the, the flow just turned into a waterfall is what it felt like. Like I was just flowing down a river and now I'm falling down a waterfall and it feels like there's sharp jagged rocks at the bottom that I may crash into is what it felt like. And I could just feel this anger boiling up in me as I watched him do that because to me, like There is never a good reason to behave that way. And I have instilled these values. I've taught you these principles. I work so hard every day for these outcomes. Remember in the beginning of the episode, we talked about outcomes and how much we focus on them. Yeah, that's me. So I just truly felt so angry in that moment and thinking like, there's absolutely zero way I'm going to let him get away with this. This is completely unacceptable behavior. I refuse. I refuse to allow this to go on. Like, I have zero tolerance for this. And that was kind of like where my mind is at. And then I get up and I go to the garage where their conflict resorted to, ended in. And my 6-year-old is now like, he ran away from his brother, but he had been whipped with this wet sopping shirt probably a good 10 times. Like I think I counted 10 times and I feel fuming. I had all those thoughts about my son, about this interaction that they had, like, you know better, right? All those thoughts. And then I just had this physical feeling where I wanted to do the same thing to him that he did to his brother. Like, that was my brain's plan, literally, that I was going to take the wet shirt from him and whip him with it 10 times. That was literally my brain. My brain told me, take the shirt and do the same thing to him that he did to his brother. Yeah. Does that sound at all like Momset? Does that sound like Speak in Life and positivity and treat people the way you want to be treated? You know, the golden rule kind of thing? Uh, no, it doesn't. It doesn't. And yet my brain still did it. So I'm just, humbly telling you guys my brain has bad ideas too. And my body feels that intensity of my, my 6-year-old calls it the payback. My body feels the intensity of the payback too. And the revenge, like it totally does. And it's just like, even in that moment, there's a part of me that knows it's wrong. In any intense moment, like it can be a conflict that I've been in with another adult. And if I hear myself raising my voice or talking really quickly or saying hurtful things to them, I know in the moment it is wrong. Like there's this— I'm grateful that I have this internal compass of sorts, I guess, that even if I do follow through on the wrong choice, I know it was the wrong choice. And I do. Like to think that that is the case for the majority of people. Like the majority of you listening to this episode, I would say no, in the moment that you are thinking that way and you're feeling so intensely, intensely, and you act on it, it was wrong. It just comes down to this point where we're like, but what else do I do? It was just the only thing I thought to do in that moment. And I, I've tried all these other things and I don't know what's going to work, what's going to click for them. And I need this behavior to be improved. Like I need this to stop. So this is where I just feel like we convince ourselves we must get this specific outcome, good behavior, any means necessary. It can turn into treating our kids the exact same way that they just treated each other that we literally said is so wrong and felt so enraged about in the first place. It can resort to treating them like taking out our stress and our tension and conflict on them. It can resort to name-calling to try and get them to change their behavior. Like, just things that we know morally are so broken and just dead. Like, it's just— it's literally just leads to death. Death of positivity, death of self-esteem, death of relationships and connection and vulnerability and trust. It's just— it just leads to death. So anyway, I just know, like, I want my children to treat others, especially their brothers, with kindness and mercy and service-centered leadership. And so this behavior that I just watched from him is so far outside of our family values and our vision. However, it's not useless and it's not useless for teaching or for shaping me into the mother that I really want to be. And the young men that I so, I so much want to see them grow into. It's not useless for those things. Everything has opportunity within it. Are we willing to look for it? Are we willing to see it? I mean, honestly, I just really believe that the times that our children experience conflict are the best times to teach, the actual best times to teach. When everything's going well and everyone's getting along, like, that's a good time for role play. I think role play is a really powerful teacher too for practicing these good behaviors and playing them out and getting people laughing and connected for sure. Like there's, there's teaching moments everywhere. It's just what we model to our kids in the moment that we are feeling literally the exact same way as them. My son didn't whip his brother with a shirt because he felt excited. He didn't whip his brother with a shirt because he just felt so grateful that his brother was there. That no, he felt so angry. He felt so enraged, so disappointed, so defeated, whatever it was, that he worked up the energy to treat his brother that way. And now look where I am. I feel so angry. I feel so enraged. I feel so upset. I feel so disappointed, just like him. And I was about to do the same exact literal thing as he did, the same thing that I thought was so wrong. And this is where I just thought it was so powerful to take it back to scripture. If we, if we look at Matthew 16, verse 26, it says, for what will it profit a man if he gains the whole the world and forfeits his soul? Or what shall a man give in return for his soul? That's parenting. What are you truly willing to give up your soul for this good behavior? And I think sometimes we try to fool ourselves, we try to kid ourselves that, you know, we're supposed to be this, like, I don't know, like we just convince ourselves that it's the only way. And to me, it's been proven more and more every day, especially understanding the psychology of children and of adults, that there's far more than one way. And there are far better ways than just behaving like children and doing the exact same things that our kids are doing that we said was so wrong in the first place. So I like to stick to scripture, and I like to look at it as, am I truly willing to forfeit my soul in order to get my son to never do that again? Absolutely not. Absolutely not. You cannot make me sin. You cannot make me abandon my faith. You cannot make me lose focus. I do those things on my own, and I refuse Knowing in that moment, like, I want to be so focused on become over outcome, which is the first tool in the Yes! Family Flipbook and Yes! Mom Campus, that course for positive mindsets and communication in your home, like become over outcome. We want to be so focused on who we are becoming more than this outcome that we desire. 'Cause if you get so locked in on that outcome that you desire, you will literally give up parts and pieces of yourself in order to obtain that thing. And just look at our world. Look at the world. You wonder, how did that happen? Like, how did someone become that? Because they were just so focused on a certain outcome that they lost sight of who they were becoming in the process. They were so focused on obtaining that political position that they lost sight of their integrity and their courage and their uprightness along the way. And now we look around and we're like, why does it seem like there's this soulless energy, this, or this soulless character and stature around so many high-ranking figures in, in our world. Why does it seem that way? Because they're outcomes-focused. They are not focused on who they're becoming in the process. Some of them are. I, yes, some of them are. I just think it's such a powerful example where we see this most often. There's betrayal and there's deceit and there's lies and there's manipulation. Like, who are, who have they become in the process, process of achieving that outcome? And then look at parenting. This shows up in parenting all the time. Who have you become in the process of achieving a certain outcome? And do you like it? Do you like who you've become in the process of trying so hard to achieve the mannerisms in your kids or to get them to say a certain thing or do a certain thing or behave a certain way or eat the vegetables? Like, seriously, I know personally, personally, parents that have broken plates thrown things, given these extreme consequences, have yelled about dinner on the table. So who did I allow myself to become in the process of achieving that outcome? And that's, that, those are, I mean, that is how I spend my days thinking about who I am. And I'm not, and I'm not thinking about other people. I'm thinking about myself. Who am I allowing myself to become in the process of life, in the process of obtaining these outcomes that I desire? And every time I get so fixated on outcomes, I find myself to be the most impatient, the most irritable, the most just frazzled and frustrated and acting out of alignment with who it is that I really want to be. So maybe if you ever have a really hard time showing up as who it is that you want to be, you're still too focused on outcomes, controlling something that is outside of your control, deciding how it's all going to happen instead of who you are becoming in the process. That it, it's so powerful. So anyway, I go into the garage and I, had this idea in my head that I was going to hit my son with his shirt the same way that he hit his brother. That was literally my idea. And I still knew it was wrong, but I didn't know what I was going to do instead. I did not know. So I still felt extremely angry and I was holding on to like that end of the rope idea where you just kind of feel like you're at the end of the end of your rope. This new perspective that I've been, because sometimes I tell myself that too, like, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. And I want to be able the whole time. So I have just been telling myself, like, I'm holding on to the hem of Jesus's robe, just that one little thread. And that's all I need to hold on to because the woman in the middle of the road was healed just through that. Like, it was all right that she was on the floor. It was all right that she was crawling to him. It was all right that she only had the hem of his robe and she was still healed. And I just think about that, like, okay, maybe I am crawling in the middle of the road and maybe I am only holding on to his string. It is, it is the string of Jesus's rope. It is the hem of his robe though, and that's enough. And that, like, ah, don't you kind of feel like you can rest a little bit? Like, that's what helps me. So that was my position on the floor, crawling in the dirt, holding on to Jesus's rope. And I get— so I, I stand in front of my son and he's still looking hated, and I'm looking Heated. And I tell him to give me the shirt and he gives me the shirt and I'm holding this wet shirt and it's got weight to it. And I'm still thinking of hitting him with the shirt and wanting a better idea. Like that was the idea that I could see most clearly and I wanted a better one. So I didn't immediately act on that because if I immediately act on any idea, I'm teaching my brain to give me more of those ideas. I want to get my brain to give me more ideas more naturally the first time. Like I envision my mentors and favorite examples in motherhood experience. Like I wanna get there faster, faster than 15 years from now. Like I would like it just now. So I'm working on it. So anyway, I, I asked my son, like, I'm thinking all these things and I'm feeling all these ways. And I'm asking my son, how many times did you hit your brother with the shirt? He said, 2. I said, try again. He said, 4. And I said, I counted 10. 10 times. Did you feel in control of yourself when you hit your brother much more than 4 times with the sweatshirt? And he said, no. And I said, were you being who you want to be when you were doing that? And he said, no. And it's like, I could feel my brain completely accepting defeat that I refuse to hit my son with the shirt. Like I could literally feel my brain let go of that idea entirely because the course of action that I took of just asking questions, Just asking questions until I have a better idea. For now, I'll just ask questions. And it's like, there was just no way that I was going to ask these questions and go down this road and then resort in hitting him with the shirt. No way. So my brain just like, let that go. And then as soon as I asked those questions of, did you feel in control of yourself? I'm asking myself, do I feel in control of myself? And, and like, are you being who you want to be while doing that? I'm asking myself, am I being who I want to be while doing this? And that is what I need my brain focused on in the moment. So most times when I'm parenting my kids, I'm telling myself exactly what I need to hear. I am shaping and lifting and calling myself up through these questions and the, and the guidance that I give my children in their hardest moments. It's exactly what I need too, because I almost did the same thing as him. And asking questions and thinking critically is a skill to develop. So should I really expect him to have this skill already? No, because I'm 31 and obviously still very much implementing and practicing and strengthening it. So when I asked him, like, were you being who you want to be while doing that? He said no. And I said, okay, well, every decision you make, is teaching your brain who you are and your body what to do. So who do you want your brain to know you are? And he said, Liam. I said, yes. Who is Liam though? Like, we're getting into I Am statement territory, right? Where you're more than just your name. And he said, a good person. And I said, that's right. That is absolutely right about you. You are a good person. So Liam is a good person. That is What? And he said, kind and thoughtful. I said, that's right. So Liam is a good person that is kind and thoughtful. And Liam can feel angry for the exact reason that you felt angry. And all of those things could have happened just the way they happened. And what does Liam, that is a good person, that is kind and thoughtful, do when all of those same things happen? And it's like helping him walk through the other way things could have occurred. And he told me he would go to his— or he would use his words and ask his brother to stop. And then he said, but I did that, it didn't work. I was like, okay, okay, so we made the right choice the first time. We used our words and we asked our brother to stop. And when our brother keeps going and our words fall short What else can we do as a good person that's kind and thoughtful? He said, come get you. I said, absolutely, you could come get me. I could help reestablish order and reorganize people and experiences. Like, I am an option. And that is what I would hope for you to do. And it just was so beautiful. And then I also got to tell him, like, Mommy had a thought. My first thought was to take your shirt and hit you with it the same way you hit your brother. And that's why I'm holding your shirt. And he said, like, his eyes got so big when I said that. And I said, did I do that? He said no. And I said, right, because I'm teaching my brain what is a good idea and what is a bad idea. My brain has bad ideas. And I refuse to do them because that would teach my brain who I am. And I want my brain to only give me the kind of ideas that who I am would want to do. And I said I had told them, like, I know who I am. So yes, I'm your mommy, and I am of the vine of Christ, abundant, truthful, and God-fearing. Does someone that is of the vine of Christ, that is abundant, truthful, and God-fearing, hit someone else, especially her child, with a wet t-shirt? And he said, no. I said, that's right. I still had the idea though, and it was really, really hard to choose to do something better. And it's going to be a lot easier for me to choose to do something better and have better ideas the first time I see something like this happen, because I just won this experience with my brain. And I want you to win more experiences in your brain. And I tell my boys all the time, you're the boss of your brain. You are telling it what to focus on. You are telling it what to think about these situations. You're telling it the quality and types of ideas to give you. Like, I, we talk about that all the time. So I just said and wrapped things up and said, sweetheart, every time you act differently than who you say you are, your mind believes what you do. It believes what you do. So you can put yourself on this upward swing of changing your behaviors and being someone that reads and someone that writes and someone that communicates effectively and asks questions. Like you can put yourself on this trajectory of an upward swing just by changing your behaviors. And that hijacks your brain into truly looking at the evidence of like, I guess I really am someone that wakes up early. I guess I really am someone that enjoys reading. I guess I really am someone that asks excellent questions. And, you know, or we can start with, with the I AMs and work into the mental pieces. Like, either way, you're going to win. If you're putting intention into it, you will succeed. And I want everyone listening to this episode to feel as convicted of that as I do, and also as my kids do. So to take a moment like that where I could have behaved just like him and choose to set the standard for myself and for him moving forward, they had two completely different outcomes. So because I am focused on who I'm becoming in the process and staying aligned with my soul, quieting and honestly fighting against those bad ideas that my brain absolutely has. I'm working up against a lot of experience with bad ideas and doing them. So now I'm like, okay, I understand why these ideas are here. And this is just another one for me to conquer. This is just another one for me to defeat. And it does feel hard in the moment to recognize like this thought right here is the enemy. My child and hitting, even hitting my child, hitting his brother is not the enemy because that's still opportunity. For me to shape him and myself. That's still a great teaching moment. It's the thought in my head that says, no, it's unacceptable, we can't have that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's why we missed the opportunity. So if we just— like, there's so much freedom in being fixated and keeping your focus on who you're becoming during your parenting. Who are you becoming in process of obtaining a certain outcome. It's so powerful. So I just wanted to wrap things up with these 3 final notes of this whole experience for me is really just ask myself, like, who do I allow myself to become when I feel a certain way? Who do I allow myself to become when I feel disappointed, angry, or even stressed? Who do I allow myself to become when I feel excited? Because I have lost a lot of mannerisms and politeness and social etiquette and even just kindness. When I feel super excited, I'll interrupt people. I'll talk only about myself. I, I, it's just, I'll take all this time to talk about me and what I have going on or my kids and what they did that at the end, I'm like, well, I didn't ask them a single question. Like that was really selfish. So even with these upward emotions that feel really good, like who do I allow myself to become when I feel excited? Do I allow myself to become a selfish person? Do I allow myself to become prideful? Do I allow myself to become immature? Do I allow myself to become rude? Like, you feel so excited running to where you're going that you bump into somebody and papers fly out of their hands and you just keep going. Sure, you feel great and look at who you just showed them you are. That's rude. So it goes both ways. I think sometimes I, especially in my coaching and in my teaching, get fixated on these emotions that feel, um, like difficult experiences, like the anger and the rage that I felt on the porch. And if I call a spade a spade, look at my— look at who I become when I feel excited. Look at who I become when I feel generous. Like, oh, like you just did something very generous and you're feeling so generous and now you're becoming boastful. Look at that. It's just, it's exciting when you view it this way though. Like it's extremely defeating when you view it through this, like this perspective of I should be further along. I should have it all figured out now. I shouldn't become this way when I'm achieving a certain outcome. Like instead of that, we just look at it as that's what I'm here to do in this life. I, I'm exactly where I'm meant to be in this life. And me just figuring these things out at 31, and who it's allowing me to become tomorrow, let alone at 32, 42, 82— like, who we're going to be in the long run because we're allowing ourselves to figure things out now— is to me the reason why we're here. Like, how remarkable of a person can you be And I have now extended my calling to how many other people can I bring to Christ? And that's what I believe my purpose is here is how incredible of a person can I be? Things that are really hard to track, not likes and shares and purchases and, and sales and the accumulation of things and just those things that like you can hang up on your wall. Less of that, less of that. The thing, less of the things that are easy to track and more of the things that are like, wow, I was patient longer than I've ever been before. And I tolerated this conversation and this, this experience. Like I stayed in it, I stayed in it and I pulled myself up. I called myself up to be better than I've ever been before. Like, you're not going to see that. Tracked through social media or through your, your business dealings. Like, you can't track it. And I really like that. I really like knowing that Jesus and myself are the only people that can really comprehend who I've become. Like, that, that's pretty much like— that's pretty much it. So number one, start asking yourself more, more frequently and gently Lots of kindness and grace. Who do I allow myself to become when I feel— and then just insert a feeling— disappointed, excited, uh, generous, or stressed. Just insert a feeling there and get really clear on, and who do I allow myself to become though? Because that's the important part. I even tell my kids, like, what you do when you feel angry matters much more than why you feel angry. Because, you know, they feel angry, they make a bad choice, and they're like, oh, but he blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, yeah, that's the why. And what I'm looking at is what you did, who you're choosing to be, because who you're choosing to be and what you did when you felt that way matters so much more than why you feel that way. And it always will. It just always will. Uh, second thing that I wanted to circle, circle in here and, and give it its frame is, you know, what does it look like to treat him the way that I want to be treated and see him treat others that way too. And like the way I treated my son in the garage, in contrast, contrary to the terrible idea my brain had, you know, the thing that I chose to do instead, it's just so helpful to guide your— guide yourself back to the golden rule: treat people the way you want to be treated. And so much of our parenting can be shaped around that. When you are rooted in values and you're really clear on who you want to be, There is a kind way to be that person and to teach and to shape and to shepherd and to disciple. Like, we don't need all of this, all of this stress and urgency and control and force behind it. It is amazing. I feel extremely grateful that when I look at my kids, I truly see like my flock. And they trust me and they want to follow me. And that humbles me so quickly where I just feel anger fall to the wayside, where it's like, I, I feel that you guys— I just look at my kids like, you are so much more than I deserve. Like, truly, they are so much better and so much more than I deserve. And I wanna— I just wanna be the mom that I believe they deserve. And that constantly keeps me looking up. I just got to keep looking up, looking forward, looking up, because I've— I have remarkable children. I really, really do. And I feel so fortunate for that. And it's just, again, it just creates this idea in my head that when sometimes it's hard to be better just for me, like, you know, do it for you, do it for you. And sometimes that's just not enough. I love knowing that I'm also doing it for my kids and the dads that they're going to be one day and the husbands that they're going to be one day and the leaders that they're undeniably going to be. I think about the bigger picture and know, like, I just really want to do my part really well. Like, there's many parts at play. I just want to do my, my part the best I can really, really well. And that starts with the example that I'm setting for them. The way that I'm treating them is the way I'm treating my children in alignment with the way I want them to treat me and the way that I want them to treat other people. And I think sometimes we bend that rule. We bend that golden rule and we make it something different. We're like, well, when we, when we consider the context of kids, like you don't treat kids the way that you want to be treated. You don't treat kids. The way you want them to treat other people. Like, you treat them cold and harsh, and, and like, you treat them with this meanness. It just, it just to me most times just sounds mean, if we just call it what it is. But, you know, you treat them this way with meanness, and then they are supposed to go treat other people with kindness. You treat them with the selfishness and then they're supposed to go be selfless to other people. You treat them with this control and then they're supposed to be trusting to other people. And to me, like, again, I love simplicity. I want it to make sense. And that does not make sense to me. I'm going to do things that make sense. The kindness, the generosity, selflessness, humility, maturity makes sense. The more I am of those things, the more my children will be of those things. They're just going to follow me. So that was my second one. And my third one is it was so hard. It was so hard. It felt like wrangling a stallion, like this wild free horse. We could even call it like a colt of a stallion, something even younger, right? Like far more defiant and reckless and out there. Like that's how it felt to change what I was going to do. When I walked into that garage. That's how it felt, like herding cats, getting my thoughts organized and my emotions aligned and my behaviors to follow that literally felt like herding cats. And it's exactly why I felt so accomplished and like I could just float in my parenting the rest of the day. And even, even the next day, I was just like so excited for my husband to get home so I could tell him about this great thing that I did. And the I am statement that Liam and I came up with for him. And I just felt so accomplished, like, great, now I know more about who he genuinely wants to be and I can create more of this intrinsic motivation. And it just felt like I was on this high and I defeated Goliath. I just defeated Goliath. The rest is surely a victory. Surely I have won because I just defeated Goliath. That is, that's just available to all of us. So I hope that this story in a whole, with all of my side tales and interjections, is something that inspires your motherhood, because you absolutely can be the mom that you want to be in any room and in any group that you're in. And when we're focused more on who we are becoming than what all these outcomes are, is it truly worth losing sight of your morals, your values, your, your standards for yourself and the quality of a person that you want to be in order to achieve any outcome. If you have to give up the best parts and pieces of yourself and lower the standards for yourself in order to accomplish a certain outcome, I just really call into question if you even want that outcome that bad. I wouldn't, I wouldn't. It's far, it's far better for us to live a life that calls us forward, calls us up, allows us to become the very best version of versions of ourselves. And imagine what the outcomes are there without even knowing what they are. Wouldn't you just imagine that they're better than the experiences in life where you lower your standards of yourself and you act out of alignment with who you want to be and you look in the mirror and feel pretty unrecognizable in the downward way? Those are just thoughts for the day. So thanks for joining me here on the Momset Podcast. I appreciate you and I will see you very, very soon.