17. "I am a grudge holder"

Hello my beautiful friend and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Welcome, welcome. Today I'm going to share a story with you that I can guarantee you're going to relate to in some way. It may not be exactly the same and that's okay. It doesn't have to be exactly the same, but there will be similarities where you can finally have these aha moments and it will help you tremendously with your identity, your self discovery and your healing. So this all starts with I am a grudge holder. You guys know how big I am on I am statements. Identity, who you believe you are becoming, who you want to be. But this is where it's so important to understand. You can't skip who you believe you are right now and just jump over to who you want to be. Like, you need to have clarity and direction and a vision of who you want to be. Absolutely. But creating that vision doesn't just take you away from the work that needs to be done right now. That self discovery work to understand like, oh my gosh, I'm identifying as a grudge holder. Not only am I identifying as a grudge holder, but I fully believe that to be true about myself. And going back in time for my story, I believed that about myself. I am a grudge holder. But for the overall majority of my life, like for so long, I believe that to be true about myself. And I just felt like this victim that couldn't change it. It was just who I was. I'm programmed this way. This has been told to me. It's very clear. There's an abundance of evidence that this is just who I am. I am a grudge holder. I can't get over things. I don't know how to forgive. Everything gets under my skin. People have to walk on eggshells around me. Like that was my whole narrative about myself. Now looking at that and what I struggled with for the majority of my life and I haven't believed that about myself for about four years now when I started my own self discovery and healing journey and understood just how much that was damaging my identity and my mindset and my self love. But when I was first really considering that I. When I discovered that about myself, I think I always knew that to be true. Like, I always knew that. Well, I am a grudge holder, but I never understood, like, how much I played a role in believing that and what I was looking for, because I always just considered that. Well, this is what everyone told me. Right? Everyone told me this, and there's so much evidence to support it, it must be true, but it's not a fact. That's the thing, that's what's so powerful about our thoughts, is that they're not facts. They can be proven wrong. I am not a grudge holder. But. But no one ever taught me how to do that. No one ever told me, hey, yeah, you don't have to think that way about yourself. Sure, these people said these things. Yes, you've held onto some things and you've went through these experiences and so on, but you don't have to think that way about yourself because there's so much more to you and your ability to forgive, your ability to let go of what no longer serves you, change your perspective, apply empathy. You can do all these things. Yeah, no one told me that. So. So for the majority of my life, I would just tell myself, I'm a grudge holder. And all my life, I mean, gosh, it was just told in so many different ways at so many different times. Like, the evidence was so strong. I was constantly told, you're a grudge holder. You never let things go. Don't do that to Tessa. She'll never get over it. And then there's continued narrative of, well, we all just have to walk on eggshells around you. Okay, that sounds like feeding into the narrative of the whole grudge holder thing. So even if it wasn't said directly, I was constantly attaching everything that everyone said about me back to this anchoring belief that I was a grudge holder. And I was also told, you're the most unforgiving person I've ever met. That one really stung. And the thing is, I didn't have to believe that about myself, but I did. I did. And this is where, like when I coach you through self forgiveness, that's the part that's so important. I'm not gonna ask you to forgive all the people that did all the things to you. That's not where you need to start. Do I want you to forgive people? Yes. But for my own personal experience, it wasn't effective for me to start there. I needed to start with forgiving myself forever believing what people had to say about me in all these negative forms in the first place, because that's where my power was, that's where my. My control was. I can't control what other people say about me. I can't control their perspectives of me or their projections of themselves onto me. I don't control their insecurities. Um, and when I focus on it that way, I've gained so much empowerment to my total ownership to say, you can say whatever you want, and it's up to me to believe it. I still have power here. I still have control. And yes, we can set boundaries, we can protect ourselves. We can change our situations at times. Like, there's a lot that we can do, but it's starts in the mind. So through all this narrative that I heard that fed into this belief that I had about myself, this anchoring belief that I am a grudge holder, I just continued doing that. I continued being a grudge holder because it's just who I believed I was. Did I want to be that? No, I don't think you could really walk up to someone and say, do you want to be a grudge holder? Do you want to be so resentful? Do you want to be so jealous and insecure all the time? No, I just. I just can't really imagine who I would walk up to on the street. That's like, yes, I want to be a God shoulder. I want to be insecure. I want to be jealous. Like, really, who wants that for themselves? The problem isn't that we don't want these things. Like, we don't want to grow and heal. That's not the problem. The problem is that we don't know how. And it's not a narrative commonly talked about to decide who you are. Right, right. To heal the parts of you that no longer align with who you want to be. That's not a very common narrative. The narrative is, this is who you are. All right. That's sometimes not super helpful. We need to know that we can heal. We need to know that we can grow. We need to know that we can deconstruct our beliefs about ourself and life and our abilities to change things. Isn't that powerful, when you really think about it, that you get to decide, no, not only who you believe you are, but you get to deconstruct every belief you have that doesn't align with that version of you. So going back to I am a grudge holder, when I finally understood identity and the power of, if I keep telling myself I am a grudge holder, I'm going to continue holding grudges that, like, I can't tell myself I'm a grudge holder and say, well, how come I just don't know how to let go of things. Probably the first issue is that I believe I can't let go of things. I believe that I can't change my perspective once I'm already heated in a moment with so much anger and being really reactive to the circumstances. Like those beliefs had to change if I was going to start letting go, if I was going to start observing without judgment and being responsive in conversations that the beliefs had to change first. But what's really interesting, and now that, I mean, I've been through so much in my self discovery and healing journey, the further you get into your journey, you're never done, right? But it becomes really fun to reflect and say like, oh my gosh, it totally makes sense now how this has all been connected all along and to see those bigger pictures and full circles come together. But if anyone ever told me I was a grudge holder, I would lose it. I would feel flooded with anger, become super defensive and reactive. And most oftentimes it always resulted in me just shutting down, ignoring people. I mean, I would ignore some people in my life for weeks, Weeks, months. There was a period of time where my older sister and I didn't talk for a year. Yeah, not awesome. But I was doing the best I could to my mental and physical capacity at that time with what I knew. Right? And so is she. And it's insane how much we can really grow. But just looking at all of that, why did it bother me so badly if someone else told me something that I already knew to be true? Really think about that in your own life. Do you believe something about yourself? It's true for you right now. You've never proven it wrong. You haven't done the self discovery and healing to prove it wrong. So, so for me it's, I'm a grudge holder. Is that a fact about me? No. But I believed it was true about me. It was true for me, but it wasn't a fact. It's not this fact of life that's not true. So what beliefs do you have about yourself that you're holding onto? Like facts of life, they've never been challenged, you've never tried to prove them wrong and you continue to live in this same way. So again, providing more and more evidence that shows, we'll see. I am this person. I am this way. It is who I am. I can't change. Maybe it's I am an angry mom. I am reactive. I Am insecure. Whatever it is for you, get that thought in your head. What part of your identity do you just believe to be so strongly about yourself? And maybe you don't love it. Remember we. We said it's not that people don't want to change. A lot of times it's they just don't believe they can or they don't know how. And it all feels really intimidating when you don't believe you can and you don't know how to do it right. So then we just don't do it. So get that thought in your head about what it is that you believe to be true about yourself. And now imagine someone coming up to you, maybe someone make it really difficult in your mind. Imagine someone you love and trust coming up to you and saying that thing. If they told you. If my husband came up to me six years ago, seven years ago and said you never let things go, you're such a grudge holder. Oh man, I love him, I trust him. And I would still lose it. I would shut down. Why? I already know it to be true about myself. Why does it bother me what he's saying? Because I'm ashamed of that part. That's the shame. The shame trigger has been switched. And then we get very reactive, defensive, shut down. We go into our numbing cycles that we think are protecting us, but oftentimes it's self sabotage, it's hurting you, it's making things worse. All that numbing, trying to escape the way you feel. Right. It's not full of productive conversations to let them know, hey, this, that's something that I'm really working on with grudge holding and I feel really insecure about it. So I would really appreciate it if you could not say grudge holding or that I don't let things go and just help me to see how to do those things and maybe something different that I can try because I trust you and I love you and I know we're working together. Am I going to have a productive conversation like that and be really vulnerable when I'm stuck in my shame? No. No. I'm gonna try and escape the feeling. So this is why it's so important for you to understand what your shame triggers are and how they are preventing you, blocking you from being who you wanna be. I wanna be the kind, compassionate, vulnerable wife that initiates those deeper conversations with my husband to give him insight about me and how to help me. That's who I wanna be. Am I gonna be that when I'm ashamed of who I Believe I am deep down. And I'm ashamed and I feel fearful of him finding that piece out about me. Oh, my gosh, I'm found out. That's shame. You've been hiding from it all along. So you feel worried and fearful about other people finding it out about you. But if I own it, yeah. That is something that I really struggle with. And it's really difficult for me to even understand the concept of letting things go in forgiveness. And I know you think you're being helpful by, you know, bringing this to my attention, but would be. What would be really helpful and supportive for me right now is for you to just sit with me and help me come back down and talk in a. In a calm way together so that I can see a different perspective. Because that's what I really need. That's what I struggle with, seeing a different perspective when I get caught up in my own. If my husband knew that about me, is he going to ever call me a grudge holder again? Is he going to tell me that I never let things go again? No, because we respect each other. There's a boundary there set in a very healthy way where I've opened up and have been very vulnerable and brought him on my team. But remember, you're not gonna do that. When you're hiding from your shame, when you're running from it, when you're fearful of someone finding something out and you're not even owning it yourself. How are you going to change something that you don't even own? Let's imagine that you have. You're renting a blue card and now you want it pink. Well, if you don't own it, you don't get to paint it pink. It is a blue car right now. Think about that with your identity. You're driving a blue car in your mind, but you're not owning who you're showing up as. You're not owning what car it is, who's driving it, how you've been driving it. If you don't own those things about yourself, you don't get to change it because you don't think you can. You don't think it's your car. The frick. You're just going to paint some car that you don't even own. No, you're not going to do that. But just really take in that analogy. If you're not owning the. I am a grudge holder. Oh, my gosh, I'm identifying as a grudge holder. If I continue identifying as a grudge holder, this will always be an obstacle for me. How am I supposed to grow if I keep doing this to myself? And when we take that victim state, which is more comfortable. Yes, because we're in the position of innocence, which just feels better. But you're not empowered, so you have to choose. Do you want innocence or power? Power not being this bad thing. Right. Power being the empowerment of yourself to observe and become curious and responsive in conversations instead of reactive, judgmental, and carrying things for years and years and years like I've done, too. I totally get it. But you want to own the car. You want to own the car so that you can change the car. You could sell the car, you could take the doors off the car if you really want to do whatever you want to your freaking car, you know? But until you own it, you don't get to change it. So owning it sounds like I have been identifying as a grudge holder. That's my problem. That's something I need to work on. Not. Well, they just keep calling me a grudge holder. How am I supposed to change what I believe about myself? Here's the victimhood. How am I supposed to change what I believe about myself if they keep calling me a grudge holder? Own it. It's your car. It's your car. You know, you're right. I've really struggled with grudge holding in the past, and I am putting tremendous effort into not doing that now. I'm actually really proud of myself for the progress that I've made and the change that I've been able to create in my own life by owning this as my obstacle and. And not falling victim to it anymore. Maybe one day you'll see this progress in me, too. I already see it. If you own that, how is someone supposed to use it against you? Consider what parts of your life you're not owning, and you are literally allowing people to use against you to throw back in your face, to hit your shame trigger over and over and over again. Because you're just not owning it. You're still trying to run from it. You're running on a treadmill, okay? People are throwing rocks at you, and you feel like you're running away, but you're on a treadmill. You're in the same place. You got to get off the treadmill and walk. Stop picking up the rocks. People are going to throw rocks at you. Stop picking them up. They're not yours. Your body's capable of healing. A rock can hurt. Yeah, and that's valid. The way you feel is valid. What you do is what's important, you allow your body to heal by changing the environment. You don't pick up the rock and continue to carry it, burdening your body even more. You just allow the scrape and bruise to heal. And you allow yourself to become better and move forward without carrying the burden of what they've thrown at you. So now we have two good analogies in here. The car and the rocks. I love analogies. All those good visuals. But just keep this in mind that if you're not gonna. If you're not willing to own where you're at, someone else can always use it against you. You will constantly feel like this victim that is just suffering from what other people say about you. But they've always called me a grudge holder. Okay, maybe that is where this initial belief started. You started. This is self discovery, guys. Observation without judgment. We're trying to create understanding. We're not blaming people. No, you're the one that believed them in the first place, right? So even if they said these things, you don't want it to be their fault. You don't want it to be all on them. Why? Because that means they can do it to you again. That means they can hit the shame trigger again. They can say it again and it's going to have the same impact that it had before. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That is not helpful. Let it be on you. Take the power. I know innocence feels better. Take the power. Because then you can live your life in alignment with who you want to be and not be a victim of who other people say you are. The majority of my life, I believed I was a grudge holder. And I did not stop holding grudges and seeing how honestly easy it is to forgive and how good I am at being empathetic and how much I truly do love observing and responding in conversation instead of being reactive and shutting down and holding onto things that don't serve me. I didn't know any of those things existed inside of me. And still I started changing who I believed I was and dismantling this belief about myself in the first place. I'm not a grudge holder. I've just literally been mistreated over and over and over again and in toxic environments for. For extended periods of time that I believed these things to be true about myself, but they're not true. I didn't have to give my power away. I did the best I could back then. I'm not shaming myself. I did the best I could. It makes total sense why I've Done what I've done, made the decisions that I made. And honestly, why I stayed angry for so long, it makes sense. I didn't have these tools. I didn't have these resources. I didn't develop these skills. I didn't even have interest to read a freaking book, let alone, like, listen to one and apply the principles. I had no interest, desire to do any of that. And that's okay. It's okay for me to admit that. It's okay for me to say I wasn't ready. And it's also okay for me to understand. You know, I put myself in this position to just carry all of the hurt that people threw at me. I didn't want to own the car. I was embarrassed by the car. I didn't want to own it. I wanted to say it was someone else's. And I didn't understand in doing that, that meant that I couldn't fix the car. I couldn't make it better. I couldn't improve it because it was someone else's. I really hope that this is, again coming full circle for you. I am not a grudge holder. I am forgiving. I am empathetic. I am compassionate and kind. I am curious. I am responsive. I am intentional and present in conversation. I hold great power to alter my perspective. Those are the things that are actually true about me. Who I am, not who other people tried to convince me that I am. Their convincing worked for a really long time. I did that. I believed them for a long time. I fell into that victim trap of showing up as who they think I am instead of who I wanted to be. I did that for a very long time. And I don't do it anymore. Cause now I understand. And that's what I'm trying to get across to you today and every day. Every day that I show up here and share on the podcast, on social media, on my email list, in any platform, I want this for you. Because I don't want you to shut down whenever someone hits a shame trigger because you're not owning it. People do not have power over you. People have influence, yes, but we get to decide ultimately who influences us and how much. We get to decide that no one has power and control over you. So even if they tell you, oh, my God, you're such a terrible mother, I would never do that. You don't have to believe that about yourself. You could change the entire perspective about that. And let's say someone says something to you that you do believe to be true about you. Maybe you are inconsistent and you feel that to be true about yourself. It's how you've been identifying. And someone says, gosh, you're so inconsistent and unreliable. You turn to them and you say, you know, I can see that in myself, too. And I'm making it a point to really work on it because I don't enjoy being inconsistent and showing up this way. And I guess the first step to changing it is to own it, right? What the frick would they say back to that? You think they have the power? They don't have the power. You have the power because you've owned it. You own the car. You said, hey, yeah, I'm actually going to fix this dent now. It's there. I'm going to change the color of my car. I'm going to fix the broken windshield. Yeah, you're right. My brakes do squeak. I'm going to get that fixed. Like, whatever. Whatever people say to you, you can handle it. Just so long as you're genuinely being your own best friend and seeing how powerful you are to become who you want to be, even if you're not starting where you want to start. I was not starting where I wanted to start. Guys, friends. I was not there. However, that's okay because there was a reason why I was there. I could make sense of all of it. And that's what's so important for you to do, too. So see here, see here that you are who you say you are. You are who you believe you are. And there's going to be a lot of beliefs that you have about yourself that you have got to own first. You can't skip them. You can't just jump to new I am statements and believe them about yourself. They have to be true for you. And owning what feels so scary, right? A damaged car that maybe you feel embarrassed of owning that and saying, you know what? But I'm going to improve it, going to work on it. I'm going to fix it up. This is going to be the sweetest car you've ever seen. It's going to have all the character and uniqueness to it, and I freaking love that. Like, own it. Start right where you're at so you can grow into who you want to be. And I'm telling you, please, please, please, if this is speaking to you and you're like, oh, my gosh, my soul is alive right now. I feel like I'm finding my alignment. Join my coaching program. It is 12 weeks of coaching with me just like this. However, not only are you working with me directly in this group twice a week in our live coaching sessions. But you have PDF material to coach you through how to do the self discovery work to find these things about yourself and pre recorded video modules that you watch at your own time and convenience to do this good work of self discovery and healing. And then we come together twice a week on the live coaching sessions together that are always available for replay. So can you. So you don't have to worry about scheduling, you don't have to worry about, oh my gosh, I can't make it live. I'm not going to get any help. Email me. I email all of the students that email me with questions, concerns, something that you're stuck with. I will help you. I will help you. So please. This is the last time that I am running Mind body alignment for 2022 in the group setting. This is your chance to get on board and help yourself. I'm giving you the ticket. Take the ticket. I, I wish so badly that when I was going through my self discovery and healing journey and I had no freaking idea what I was doing, I wish so badly I received guidance like this. I wish so badly someone like emailed me a PDF material and was like, hey, why don't you try this? Struggling with shame. Try this outline. Like, gosh, that would have been so good. But now I see why I walked this journey. Now I see why it all had to happen just the way it did. Because it is so much better for me to sacrifice myself and not have the convenience of a laid out plan and resource so that I could make one if it was available to me. Why on earth would I make one? The reason why I made this resource and I am so purposeful and called to this is because it wasn't available. So I actually love it. I love that I had to learn the hard way. I love that I had to do it on my own. And maybe you're the same way. Maybe you're like, no, Tess, I, I want to figure it out on my own. I support you. That's what I did. I mean, if it were available at the time, I wouldn't have chosen that. But now, hindsight, I'm like, okay, this totally served me. I can see the bigger picture now. I'm really, really grateful. But I support you in any decision you make. I just want you to know that this is the last time that I'm writing this coaching session for 2022. Your next opportunity is going to be New Year's of 2023. So click the link in the show notes. Get the information that you need. Reach out to me directly if you have any specific questions or you're feeling uncertain. If you and just commit, commit to something. Either commit to my program or commit to doing it on your own. Take steps in the right direction. I know you can do that. I know you can take steps in the right direction and whatever that looks like for you. I believe in you fully. You're amazing and I know that if you commit to mind, body alignment and working with me, we will move mountains together. Those limiting beliefs, the self doubt, the insecurity, your shame, the lack of self and self worth that you're feeling right now within your identity, we will move mountains together. I feel so certain about that. So get your questions answered. Check out the link in the show notes and I will see you so soon inside the course. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.