171. Calmly Establish Authority Through Vulnerability | A Mother That Speaks Life

If you're taking a look around your home and it almost feels like, or absolutely feels like you've lost your sense of authority in this place and you're really wanting to reestablish it, especially calmly, then this episode is for you. Welcome back to the Momset Podcast. I am your coach, Tessa Romero, and I absolutely love to help moms in their home, especially through the many circumstances that we face. And knowing that the majority of moms that I talk to, and myself included, have dreamed about these days and they go by way too quickly for us to decide that we're the victims of it or to do things outside of alignment with the mothers that we have dreamed of being. So between this show and my courses and my resources like the Yes! Family Flipbook, I'm on a mission to help you do it now in the days that you're in. Be the one that can speak and think positively in any room and in any group that you're in. So today, so today we're going to focus on just reestablishing your calm authority in the home and doing so through connection and vulnerability. This is an extremely powerful way to take the adult-sized burdens that your children may be carrying, um, just through unintentional communication and interactions and just the expectations that are developed through that. We are going to reassess all of that and reorganize it so that you can create a structure in your home that everyone feels like they're in the proper role. If you don't feel like the calm authority in your home, you're in the wrong role. And I can almost guarantee that you're wrestling with it. It feels way too small for you and your self-esteem is lowered when you try to take that role. So I'm inviting you to step up in an exciting way where you're like, yeah, I'm going to get it. I'm going to get a role in this home. That really fits me, that I can grow into, feel my self-esteem raised and elevated while I'm here, and ultimately know that you're the only one that can be the mother in your home. And the work that you can do there through your spoken word and what you're choosing to think and just one next decision is remarkable. It can change everything. I always like to think that it only takes one minute One word, one interaction to completely change the whole day. And that's so powerful. So if it feels like things have kind of been on what we could call maybe a losing streak or just a low energy flow of things where you're feeling really reactive and like, you know, someone else, like maybe your kids are showing up as the authorities and you're feeling bossed around by them. Well, friend, that's where we're going to come in here and start shifting things around. So parts of this episode may feel difficult to sit with, and that's because we're talking a lot about ownership and accountability today. And I just want to encourage you that while ownership and accountability may feel heavy at times, offloading your responsibilities through blaming others, so offloading that accountability and offloading that ownership onto others by blaming your kids, putting them at fault, criticizing them. It's they're making you be someone. When you do that, because the accountability of it feels heavy, so you go tossing it out, you feel very empty. You end up taking your integrity and throwing it out of you, taking your character and throwing it out of you, taking your values, throwing it out. And you're taking all of these incredible parts and pieces of you and discarding them. So what's going to be left? Lots of empty space within you. So while it may feel challenging to sit with the weight of accountability and ownership, you're actually being filled back up. And that's what I want you to take through this episode with you, is just this opportunity to imagine and visualize that when you feel the weighted sensation come through some of these examples that I'm going to share, I'm encouraging you, and what you're ultimately doing is filling yourself back up. You're picking your integrity back up and putting it where it belongs. You're picking your self-esteem back up. You're picking your values back up. You're picking your character back up and building yourself back. That's what we need. We're never going to show up as who we want to be through an empty sense of ourselves. We must be full of accountability and ownership. Because that's the weight of our integrity that keeps us grounded in the moments. You need weight to keep your feet on the ground. So let's dive in, friend. I want you to know that what your kids are expecting you to do each day is something you have taught them. There's your first little bit of weight, and I hope it keeps your feet on the ground. What I mean by this is if your children are asking you the same question repeatedly. This is a normal pattern. They have learned that it is okay to do this behavior, and what they've also learned is this behavior gets them something that they want. So what I like to imagine with any behavior that is to me undesirable, and I'd like my kids to learn how to do something different, is they're only doing that behavior because they have learned that they get what they want out of it. So when we kind of flip it and look at it upside down, like begin with the end in mind, what is my child trying to get out of this behavior? If it's repeatedly asking you the same question, it's realistic to assume that your child is trying to get you to change your answer. So that's their, that's their ideal outcome, and asking, asking, asking, asking, asking, asking, asking, even if you've already given your answer. Well, we only learn to do that when we know the answer will change if I just ask enough times. So this is where the ownership comes in. Where have I taught my kids, and when have I taught my kids that I am someone that will change my answer? If you just ask me enough times, I'll bend, I'll crack, I'll say whatever, throw my hands up, do whatever you want, I'm done, just stop asking me. Well, again, in the moment it can make a lot of sense. Motherhood has a high demand on it and of us. And because I live in these same high demands as you, I have 4 young children, um, 8, 6, 4, and 2. I've been married for 11 years. I've, and I, and I run a business. I understand the load and demands that we face on a daily basis. And to me, that's why it's so important to say what you mean and mean what you say the first time. Your life is full of way too many commitments and responsibilities to be careless with your words. That's all this means is too many people are counting on you for you to break your word, your accountability. The level of accountability that you face on a daily basis is way too high for you to be careless with your words. And there is an extreme amount of empowerment in that strength and peace. So when our kids are doing something that we're like, uh, I just find that so infuriating that they're doing that thing. First of all, behavior is feedback. Begin with the end in mind. What are they trying to get out of that behavior? And when have I taught them that that behavior is a successful way to get the thing that they want? That's ownership. And you can only change and really craft and work with the things that you own. If you refuse to own any part of your child's behavior, then there's nothing for you to change. There's nothing for you to tangibly grasp and work on improving. So this is why I love accountability and ownership. Yes, it keeps me grounded in the moment. It's weighted to keep me down on the ground and keep my foot— my feet planted. Right. That is true. And it shows me all the things still in my control where there might be a moment with my kids that does feel extremely difficult. And if I'm only focused on what they're doing and who they're being and how they're treating people, well, I can't control any of that. I can only control who I'm being, what I think about things, what I choose to do next, my demeanor in the moment. I can only control me. And when I take that focus, the precious mental capacity that I have for the day, when I take that and reframe it back onto me, well, now I feel extremely empowered. I feel so strong and at peace knowing I'm being who I want to be in this moment. I'm absolutely clear on what I want to teach because now I understand that I actually taught you that that behavior is a successful and/or appropriate way to get the thing that you want. And I can see where that's really confusing for you. This is where it gets fun with our words. I'm going to share 5 examples in this episode that's just going to break down for you where and when this shows up and the proper way to calmly establish authority in your home again through vulnerability. The vulnerability piece is extremely important because it shows your, it shows your humanity, it shows your humility, it shows your kindness. And it allows your kids to soften around you too. Even your spouse, even relationships outside of your children. Absolutely. In this style of communication, we're taking total ownership, we're taking accountability, and we're letting the weaker parts of us be revealed, and we're trusting what other people choose to do with it, especially children. It's a wonderful transfer of trust and even responsibility. Of, look, I'm bearing myself wide open to you, and I'm very curious to see what you choose to do around people that show up that way. And what your child does next might just really surprise you. When you soften, they're more likely to soften. When you bear those weaker parts of yourself, and maybe where you're lacking discipline, you're lacking maturity, you're lacking humility, you're lacking faith, when you reveal those parts and pieces to them and you give them an opportunity to work with you, more often than not, our kids really show up and they're excited to work with us too. And I understand that having the words to say in these moments can feel extremely difficult, extremely difficult. I just want to put a little plug in here right now because this is a communications-focused episode and this is all about Speaking Life. All 5 examples I'm going to share with you are times that we can show up as mothers and speak life over ourselves and our children and our home, completely changing the demeanor, the energy, and the conversation of our interactions that we're in. So if this is something that just greatly interests you and you're someone that loves accountability and ownership and to be held to a higher standard, and you like to be put to work in elevating yourself and changing what you're doing, with the framework that actually sets you up for success, then email me connect@momsset.com, C-O-N-N-E-C-T @momsset, M-O-M-S-E-T dot com, with the subject line Mastermind. I have a Speak Life Mastermind starting this September. It's 6 months long. You work with me in a small group of 10. A great bonus of it is we spend a 4-day retreat together going through this work, and I'm going to teach you how to Say what you mean and mean what you say and stand by it, uh, in every interaction using this proven framework that I've been using for years to be a positive and effective communicator. So if that's something you're interested in, just, uh, email me mastermind and we can get you the details. Now let's move into some examples. So remember what we're talking about here is basically putting an adult-sized responsibility on the shoulders of a child. No child is going to cooperate well and move with the ease of values and family expectations when they have adult-sized responsibilities on their shoulders. It's way too much pressure. They're in the wrong role. Just like I talked about with you, when you're in the wrong role, you feel just like you're shrinking there and maybe there's just like a big weight pushing you down where it's not fun to show up. It's not exciting. Well, kids can feel the exact same way and when a child is given way too much freedom and way too much responsibility early on in a sense of, you know, there's a real consequence here and there's a weight to that. It's like that freedom, that it's too boundless for them. Boundaries are a wonderful way for children to feel safe. So if they're the ones in the position to set the boundaries, it's terrifying for them. Because there is no stability, there is no predictability, there's no one there setting the parameters for them to explore freely in, and naturally they're just exploring very freely. So it's your best position to set the parameters for your children to operate successfully in, and that's what comes into these examples. So now I'm just encouraging you as the adult to take responsibility off the shoulders of your child and place it where it belongs, which is on you. You're the adult and the mother. Of course you have the frame and the size to bear who you are choosing to be and what you have chosen to do. And all of this will really just set you in motion as the calm authority in the home where you're going to view these circumstances with your kids really differently, communicate about them exceptionally well, and then finally be able to keep your word. Which is extremely important if you're going to be the authority. What kind of authority do you trust in your life that breaks their word? That's terrifying. It's terrifying to think about the people that we're supposed to count on and depend on that are breaking their word to us. We, we figure like, oh, they don't really mean that. And then we try to get away with more because we know the consequences aren't actually going to happen, or we assume that, and it just creates contention. If that authority does try to step back in and keep their word to the same level, it just creates a lot of issues. So this system that I'm teaching you is leading through ownership, sharing vulnerability, and it positions you as the calm authority. This system is not about controlling your kids. It's not about criticizing them enough to get them to change or saying mean and hurtful things in order to get them to understand probably an adult-sized concept. It's simply about reestablishing your role as the calm authority in the home so that your children can actually be children. And children love to cooperate. Children love to have more responsibility in the home that they can bear the weight of, like feeding a dog and taking care of the dog and even helping with siblings. Absolutely. But creating the boundaries of the home is not a child— not a child's responsibility. So let's go through this first example. Let's say, going back to this first example that I shared with you, how some of our kids have learned that if I just ask enough, like, "Mom, please, Mom, please, can we go to the arcade?" and you say, "No, we're not going to the arcade." They say, "Oh, come on, Mom, all my friends are going to the arcade, like, please, can we go to the arcade? It's Friday." You say, "No, bud, I just feel too tired. I'm not going to the arcade." They're like, "Oh, come on, Mom, it'll be fun once you get there. You can take a seat. We'll just play around the arcade and it will be a good time, like, Mom, come on." It will be so fun. And Julian's mom will be there. Like, you could play with Julian's mom. And they just keep going, going, going, going, asking you the same question. Can we go to the arcade? You've already said no 3 times. And then they ask the 4th time. And maybe you just say the right thing. And you finally say, okay, just give me 5 minutes. I'll get up, brush my teeth, whatever. We'll go to the arcade. And they're jumping for joy. Joy, delighted. They persevered and stuck to what they wanted and got it. That's what your kids learned in that moment is, wow, fourth time's a charm. I've just got to share more details with my mom. I've just got to talk faster to my mom. I've just got to use more words and ask 4 times for my mom to finally get it. So this isn't— and I just think this is such a disservice to kids because instead of looking at our accountability as parents, saying like, okay, when was my answer given prematurely? Because if I could have— if I said yes on the fourth time, then I could have just said yes the first time. But instead I said no three times and then I said yes the fourth time. So why do I take my word so carelessly? And taking that responsibility back to the parent It's not the child's fault for learning that asking repeatedly changes the adult's mind. They learned that through experience. And I, I do find it to be unfair and really irresponsible for us to be blaming kids for that behavior when ultimately an adult taught them that. That's the way I view it. So instead, moving forward, if you related— and, and okay, so that's the child's side. And then on the mom's side, or the parent's side, that said no 3 times and said yes the 4th time, like, just to recap on that, what happened for you? You're so— your self-esteem is lowered because the quality of your word is weak. You don't believe what you say when you say it. If you did, you would stick to it the first time. And this is the responsibility that we have in communication, especially in parenting, is to say what we mean and mean what we say to the best of our ability the first time. Our word needs to be good as gold. In most cases, it's all you've got is your word. And if you want your word to really take root in your home and to be trusted, you've got to mean it the first time. We've got to do away with these extremes of always and never and exaggerations and, and breaking our word. You know, if you say no, then let it be no. I mean, obviously I've got the whole Yes! Family flipbook, so I'd love to teach you to be a positive communicator while still saying no and just being someone focused on the good and focused on abundance and focused on what we can do because Anyone can see what's not going well. Anyone can be focused on what can't be done. Whoop-de-doo. How cool is it to be a person that's focused on what we can do? And when our kids do say like, well, you're just saying no in a different way, or you're just saying no nicely, or you just say what I can do instead of just saying no to this, and you can say, sweetheart, I'm someone that chooses to focus on what we can do. I feel better there. I feel happier there. So you're right. I'm always going to tell you what you can do instead of just telling you no, because I like to focus on what we can do. It's not even about our kids. It is about us. It is about the quality of our life and what we decide to think about and entertain and who we want to be. And that is absolutely up to us. And I can see why someone that spends so much time focusing on what can't be done, what isn't going right, and just saying no feels really depleted because there's no energy there. You're not creating energy there. You're just dumping it out. You can't do this either. It's not going to feel very good. Okay. So you're in this interaction with your kids. Here's how you're going to show up as the calm authority in example number 1, when your child is repeating themselves, trying to get you to change your mind. The theme of this, change your mind. Here's what you're gonna say, sweetheart. Let's say they've asked you this third time, especially if you know that you're about to change your mind. Do not change your mind. Stick to your first answer. You gotta repair your word. Okay? Increase the weight of it. Increase the quality of it. It'll completely transform interactions and behavior. Anyway, they ask 3 times. You're feeling a little worn down. Yelling is the wrong way to go. It's not going to solve anything and it's extremely selfish. You're the only one that feels better. The mature thing to do that's actually going to have a lasting impact in your role as a mother, establishing you as the calm authority, which feels so strong and empowering. Look at you go. You're going to say, sweetheart, I can see why you expect me to change my mind. I taught you that. What I'm teaching you now is my first answer is the only answer I have. We are staying home. From the arcade. Boom, baby, drop the mic. I just bumped it, if you could hear that. That's a completely different experience than one, breaking your word and feeling awful, two, yelling at your kids for asking for a fourth time when ultimately you taught them to do that. An adult in their life— you, your spouse, a teacher, a sibling, someone someone of authority in their life taught them that if they just ask enough, then they can get what they want. And honestly, if we all knew that, wouldn't we do it too? That's a pretty reasonable lesson. Go through life, "Well, yeah, you know, you just got to keep asking. They'll change their mind." There are adults around here doing that. So for a child to pick up on that lesson, I'd say it's a pretty common one to learn. Let's give them a little bit of slack and just reestablish the calm authority and the value of your word. Second example, maybe between siblings, or if you have an only child, and when it comes down to just relational conflict, so maybe your spouse and the child, or, um, a cousin and the child, or a friend and the child, just where there's two or more, maybe you've had a tendency of only listening to one side. Of the story. And now your child is fighting to be heard and experiences additional tension with a sibling or that other person in the relationship that they perceive is being connected to more than them. So if— what this might look like between my 8- and 6-year-old: if my 6-year-old perceives that I really only hear my 8-year-old's side of the story and I don't give my 6-year-old the same opportunity that I gave the 8-year-old to hear both sides of the story equally, then this is like only taking in or only listening to one side of the story. And now we've got this yelling match, and maybe even the opposite of yelling, there's just shutting down. Like, there's little effort to answer your questions, there's little effort to even trust that you're willing to hear them out. If that's the type of behavior that you're noticing, Take responsibility, ownership, and accountability for your part. You are not responsible for what your kids are choosing to do. However, you are responsible for what you have taught, and if they have learned what you taught, then you are responsible for the part that you taught. So if you taught them, my mom only listens to the other person, so now I'm either going to yell and shout at her so that I can be heard, or Or I'm going to completely withdraw and shut down and just not answer questions and not bother because I've given up. Either way, this can be a really great example of an interaction like that to correct it in the moment and establish yourself as the calm authority. You could say something like, it makes sense why you would yell to get my attention. I have overlooked your opinion and experience in the past, and I'm sorry for that. I'm ready to listen to you. This time, speak to me kindly with slow words. Your interaction will be remarkably different. If this is with a child that's withdrawing, maybe shutting down from you when you do take an interest in their side, you can shift it just a little bit and say, it makes sense why you're withdrawing from me, and I have overlooked your opinion and experiences in the past, and I'm sorry for that. I can see where I've taught you to just assume that I'm only interested in hearing about from the other person. I want you to know that I'm interested in hearing from you. I really value hearing what you think and what the experience was like for you. I'm giving this another try and this is my better way of doing it. So please share with me what you think just happened. And then wait. If this is a different approach in these first two examples, if this is a different approach for you to take, it makes sense that the people on the receiving end, even if they're young, could really benefit from a minute or two of grace while they recalibrate to the new environment that they're in, this new interaction. Maybe this is the first time you've ever talked to them like this and they're feeling a little bit stumped. They're feeling a little bit surprised. Their brain is really just trying to interpret the interaction correctly so it can know what to do next. So if this is the way that you're going to choose to approach it with accountability and ownership and show up as the calm authority, I am encouraging you to spend 2 to 3 minutes in that grace period, allowing your child the opportunity to process before they respond. You can feel so delighted seeing your kids process before they respond. If you're someone that's expecting your kids to respond to you immediately, you're training reactivity rather than training response, and there's responsibility in the response. So we want our kids to take the time to weigh out what is the most beneficial and effective thing for them to say and share next. And just imagine the kind of communicators your children are gonna grow up to be when that's the expectation that you hold. I love it. Okay, example number 3. If you are someone that has kind of built a habit of breaking your word, this can relate to number— like our first one that we had talked about, and that's why I spent more time in that example. Of the arcade because that is breaking your word. Breaking your word can also sound like, we are only cooking meals from home now on. And then you do it on Monday and Tuesday night, and then Wednesday your kids say, hey, can we order pizza? And they remember that you said we are only cooking meals from now on. They remember, I promise, because my kids remember. And sometimes my kids will even test I'll say like, oh, we're only playing with family this weekend. You're just playing with siblings. We are staying home and you're only playing with siblings this weekend. You can play with friends on Monday. I said that to my son on Friday and then on Saturday he goes, hey mom, can I invite my friend over? And I just thought about it. And again, like I just, I said we're only playing with friends or excuse me, we're only playing with brothers this weekend. I said that prematurely. I said it carelessly. And it was irresponsible because I said, yeah, you can invite them over. And my son, literally my 8-year-old, he goes, well, I thought you said we were only playing with brothers this weekend. And I said, oh, thank you for reminding me. You're right. My word is as good as gold. I say what I mean the first time. We are only playing with brothers this weekend. Like, I, I felt very spared and blessed to have this opportunity to reestablish the weight and value of my word in that moment because I did break it. And it was my son reminding me of what I had said that renewed my commitment to follow through on it because it is important and they do remember. So with breaking your word, um, it can sound like you giving a consequence that was maybe too big for you to follow through on. Like maybe this weekend, it wasn't necessarily a consequence. It was just the plan for the weekend. Maybe I made a plan that was too big for me to follow through on. Or just required more energy from me than I perceived initially. And now your word lacks weight. So when you give a consequence that was too big and you break it, then your word lacks weight and your kids have learned that. So if you say, for example, like, no phone for a week because they did something wrong, so you don't get your phone for a whole week, or you need to do X for one whole week and then you can have your phone back. And they do X for 2 days and then you give it back. Well, you just broke your word. Even if it seems like it's to their benefit or, you know, you're showing them that you trust them early on. No, what you're showing them is that you will break your word. And that's the wrong lesson to teach, friend. It's the wrong lesson to teach. So, you know, you say no to friends. Or, you know, an invitation pops up, this unexpected birthday party, and you already said tonight was family night, and then they get a last-minute invite to something. If you break your word, it's still weakening the quality and weight of your word. It does not matter the reason that you're breaking it. That is the consequence. So if you're going to break your word, just keep that in mind. I think that there are absolutely times that we can find it necessary to break our word. And accept the consequences and responsibility of that. More often than not though, we want to be keeping it. I would say 9 times out of 10, you really want to keep your word as the calm authority in the home. That's how you're going to really feel like the calm authority is when you can trust your own word. But if you even think you're going to break your word, we have some work to do. We have some work to do. So, um, You know, so through this example, now I want to get into the example with you guys. So breaking your word, here's how we can correct it as the calm authority. So there's a time that you have— let's go back to the example with my son playing with his friends. And, you know, I basically did just teach him that if I say, hey, we're only playing with brothers this weekend, that I could be fickle about that word and he could take it with a grain of salt because, well, I broke it last weekend and I really only caught it because he reminded me. Then I could come in and correct that with, I know I have taught you to take my word with a grain of salt since I've broken it so frequently. I've recommitted myself to mean what I say and I want you to trust my word. I said you can have your phone back on Friday and I mean it. So I guess I wrote, I wrote up this example in my notes. So let's take this back to the phone example. You know, it's been 2 days of doing the right thing. Mom, can I have my phone back? Mom, can I have my phone back? I know I have taught you to take my words with a grain of salt since I've broken it so frequently. I've recommitted myself to mean what I say and I want you to trust my word. I said you can have your phone back on Friday and I mean it. I'd love your help following through and I understand if it If it's entirely up to me to do that, I'm prepared for that too. Because like it or not, some of our kids, we're going to say that and they're going to push hard. If you tell them, like, I'm keeping my word. I say what I mean. They want to test. They want to see, especially if there's been broken boundaries, broken words in the past, they want to see like, can I really trust her this time? So if your kids are like repeatedly pushing, especially after you say something like this and they're repeatedly pushing, Just envision that like they're about to jump out of an airplane to go skydiving and they just want to make sure that their parachute's going to work before they go skydiving for the first time. That's it. They want to make sure my mom is keeping this boundary. My mom is keeping this commitment. So I need to know that my mom's going to keep this commitment before I go jumping out of an airplane trusting her. So they push, they push, they pull on those ropes on the parachute backpack. Like they're checking the buckles, they're pulling on the straps, they're tightening things up. They're like, does this got me? I need to make sure this Jeff, this has got me before I jump out of this airplane into the fall, free fall of trust. That's what's experiencing and happening here. And that's why mindset is so valuable. It is so valuable because if that's the mindset that I have, Oh, he's just— he's testing his parachute back before he jumps out of a plane of trust. How much easier is it for me to stay mentally clear? Like my mind is just this open space where I feel so empowered and so peaceful and so strong that my son can do about anything in front of me and I feel perfectly positioned to show him, I promise you can trust me. Like, it's no longer about disrespect. Now it's about trust. I promise you can trust me. Take the free fall, but experience the trust. Okay. Check the buckles again. Sure. Tighten your straps. You got it. Like, I want to see my kids jump and go for the free fall of trust. And if there's ever been a time that I've broken a commitment, I've broken a boundary, I've broken my word, then yes, I do fully expect them to make sure that my word is good as gold next time. Before following through on it. So our next example that we're going to go through is name-calling. If you have been someone that has resorted to name-calling out of frustration, fear, agitation, or hurt, maybe you've been cut off on the, on the road by someone and you called them an idiot and your kids were in the car, or you see someone else and you call them lazy because they didn't follow through. Or you, you know, you just use name-calling to express hurt or frustration, and now your kids are using name-calling. A wonderful way to establish your calm authority in the home in response to name-calling is to take back responsibility through ownership and accountability. Take the adult-sized burden off of the shoulders of your children and put it back on you. So And this could also come from humor too, if you've done it out of humor. So we want to change— well, first we want to change your behavior. Saying something like this that I'm about to share in the example with your kids and then still continuing to use name-calling, your kids are watching what you do more than the rules that you set out for them to follow. They're just imitating you. So hold yourself to the higher standard of using people's names. Call people by their names or a loving reference in an established relationship is kind of my, my little clause there. Like my husband, I call him babe. So that is my loving reference in established relationship. For my friends and our neighbors, I I am referring to them by their names, and that's exactly what I want to teach my children as well, because they have loving references for their brothers. Like, they'll call each other— they'll call one Lukey, or they'll say Jake is Jakey Cakey. Like, we have some loving references in established relationships. So here is a beautiful way to use vulnerability to correct name-calling and still take back that that accountability and ownership. You can say, gosh, I just heard you call your brother an idiot, and it reminded me of the time that I called a driver an idiot in the car. Hearing it from you really taught me how important using people's names is, and I am sorry for teaching you that harmful habit. We are a family that calls people by their names. Let's hold each other accountable to this new value moving forward, and you can even tell Mommy a gentle reminder, and I'll help you out too. So this way we're sharing in this, this relationship of counting on each other, and what we're doing is we're showing our kids accountability and ownership is a safe experience. The more you express accountability and ownership to your kids, the the more safe that they associate that weight that comes with it. I think accountability is an incredible teacher. I guide my kids back to sources of accountability frequently and find that, you know, their just natural experience through that is enough. I don't need to add further consequences. I don't need to add further punishments. Like, when they really understand the weight of what it is that they've chosen to do, they are intrinsically programmed to learn from that. Their body is doing a fantastic job teaching them. And I just want to be the calm authority and the excellent guide and the correct role model for them to live out the values that I really want my whole, my whole family to be aligned with. And honestly, to just be people that speak life. That is something that has repeatedly been so rewarding in every single interaction and relationship of my life when I've chosen to be someone that speaks life life, it, it is remarkable what it does for me as a person and how I view myself and my abilities. And, you know, the emotional state that I desire to live in and for what I want to be known by and who I want to be known as— Speaking Life aligns with all of that. So the last example that I wanted to share with you guys here is in regards to screen time. So we have some variety going on here. So instead of criticizing your children for wanting a screen such as a tablet, phone, or movie, we want to take ownership for the expectation you have set, either through personal use or allowance. This can sound like, "I know you want to watch a movie, and I notice that I have put too much focus on screens in our life to really get to know what you love to do more than watching movies. I'm on a mission to discover what you love more than movies now." My idea is to let you build with tools or plant a garden. Which one would you like to do with me? And another way that you can do this is, again, so back up, I said either through personal use, so your example, or allowance, the expectation that you've set up for your kids. If you've allowed them to view, like, look at the TV on the wall is a free-for-all, you know, you can just turn it on whenever you'd like and you can watch whatever you want. And maybe this has been going on for some time and now you want to start setting in some boundaries. Well, your kids are going to resist against that because this is what they know that they like to do. And maybe they don't know yet what they like to do more than this. So the encouragement here is to take accountability of the allowance that you have set for them, the expectation that there's a TV on the wall, I can turn it on. Or the expectation that I always get to watch this after lunch. Yes, I have taught you to expect TV after lunch. And now I'm telling you that we will watch a movie on Friday. Just like you could trust me to turn the TV on after lunch, you can trust me to keep it off all week and then watch a movie together on Friday. What I do want to do is find out what you love more than TV. So I have some activities planned. Like that's the accountability, that's the ownership. Now you're calm authority. The second way that you could approach this is something like, I've noticed that I am on my phone much more than I'd like to be, holding it, looking at it, and even putting it between you and I. This is the wrong example for Mommy, for Mommy to set. Now I see that I am someone that wants structure with screens, just like I want for you. We will have screen time for 30 minutes. After lunch. So it doesn't have to— I know, like, you guys have heard from me, screen time on Fridays. Like, I love that expectation. It's definitely one that I— it's a commitment I can keep. And it's worked really well in my home. And for others, if you want it to be a daily allowance and occurrence and expectation, that's totally fine. Just make sure you're doing it with ownership and accountability. Do not put the responsibility of setting structure and boundaries in place on a child. It is way too big of a responsibility for them. And it's a wonderful— it's a wonderful experience as an adult to be the one that gets to create the boundaries and to be the one that gets to create the expectations and even the one that gets to delegate responsibilities. It is truly such a wonderful experience full of remarkable blessings. And you get to see your leadership come through. Um, and yeah, it's just extremely fulfilling and rewarding from what I've noticed and gathered in my own motherhood and running a home and even a business. So that does it for today's episode of Calmly Establish Authority Through Vulnerability and really just being a mother that speaks life. And remember, if you're interested in the Speak Life Mastermind that I'm hosting, it's starts very soon in September. So go ahead and email me the word mastermind and we can start the discussion there, seeing if it's a good fit for you. Other than that, I'd love to see you over in the Momset membership where we have alignment journaling and further coaching happening over there. I adore you guys. I'm happy for you and your families as you pursue this work. And it just, like I said, it's one word that can change an entire interaction and One minute and one interaction can change an entire day, an entire relationship. Our words are so precious. They're so important. So I enjoy discussing them with you. I'll see you later.