18. Resentment and Victim Mentality... Your First Step to Shift

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. I feel so stinking excited to do this episode with you guys because we are talking a lot about this built up resentment and and the victim mentality that I see so commonly, not only with my clients, but just on social media in general. And I know that there are a lot of moving parts to this. So today I'm really just focusing on a simple shift to step away from your resentment and victim mentality. And I know that this simple shift can serve you in a lot of different areas of your life. So stay open minded as you listen to this episode because remember, every single piece of content I create is designed to serve you this something that you can start implementing, trying, and stay open minded to. To just see, does this work for me? Does it not work for me? Because it's not very empowering to feel stuck, right? And like, there's nothing we can do. There's nothing we can try. So as you're listening to this episode, just know that our big emphasis here is with resentment and a victim mentality and one simple shift we can make to step away from that. Are you ready for the simple shift? Let's dive in. So I'm asking you to start choosing how you respond instead of reacting to our circumstances and other people, so we can go through several examples in this episode to really understand this concept. But something that needs to happen really before this shift can be so powerful is learning to accept, appreciate, approve, and validate you yourself instead of looking for all this appreciation from outside sources, especially when it comes down to how much you do in a day, the people you take care of, your home, that you upkeep, your career, that you're devoted to, a project that you've been working on, whatever it is. We're constantly trying to seek this appreciation from other people. And don't get me wrong, I love to feel appreciated, right? But I always tell my clients, it's like building an ice cream sundae. I'm going to build my own ice cream sundae. I'm going to put the scoops of ice cream. If I want a banana in there, I'll put a banana. If I want hot fudge, caramel, whatever it is, I'm going to build out this incredible ice cream sundae. And don't forget some freaking chopped peanuts. You know, like everything that I really want, I'm going to put that in my sundae. And then if someone happens to compliment me, appreciate what I'm doing, notice me and my efforts. That's like a cherry on top of my sundae. I already have a sundae. I'm not waiting for this Sunday that I want until someone gives it to me. Right. I'm gonna build that myself. And then anything that someone adds to my sundae is a bonus. The cherry on top. Honestly, I don't even like the cherries, so that looks nice, but I don't need that. It's not something that like, oh my gosh, I have to have this. I want it so badly, I. I can give those things to myself now. In my marriage and with my kids, we demonstrate a lot of gratitude and appreciation just as like a normal in our home. So please and thank you and you did a great job and I love this about you and wow, that was really thoughtful of you to do. That's just a lot of language here. So it's super normal for us. But I'm also outwardly expressing it and not just waiting to receive, receive, receive. I want to give, give, give, give, give. So this, this whole idea of giving that appreciation, giving that gratitude and noticing other people, it's not because I believe they need it from me. It's because it aligns with who I am to give that to them. I hope it's just a cherry on their Sunday, Really, I do. I hope they've built their own freaking Sunday. And anything that I add is just a bonus. And they've already felt so, so good about themselves and they're already accepting, appreciating, approving and validating themselves. And they don't need me to do it, even though it still feels good when I do it. We can have both. And you see, when we have both, you're choosing which one means more to you. Well, you need to choose the relationship I have with myself my self talk. The way I accept, approve, appreciate and validate myself matters more than if these people accept me, if these people approve of me, if these people can validate the way that I feel and appreciate me. You know, like, yes, we want that and we can seek that out in our healthy relationships. That's how we're going to start attracting more healthy relationships between friends and family and building that within our own homes is when we have it for ourselves. So I just Wanted to explain that for a couple minutes. But now let's get back to this simple shift to step away from your resentment and this victim mentality. We, we are choosing to respond and not react. So our first step to start responding and not reacting is to learn to accept, appreciate, approve and validate ourselves. That is huge to do. And I just did a free masterclass yesterday and I asked the women listening in, how often do you take the time to accept, appreciate, approve and validate yourself? And the overwhelming majority of the comments were never. And then the one below that was not often, and then the one below that was rarely, and the one below that. The, you know, the most positive one was. I try really hard to make an intentional effort to do so, but it doesn't come naturally. Okay, so it's not coming natural for us to accept, approve and validate and appreciate ourselves, which means we are seeking it just by default. We're seeking it from other people and out and external things around us. Literally, as I'm like waving my hands over my head, we're just seeking it constantly and it's never going to feel like enough until we start giving it to ourselves. So if you really want to make this big shift of stepping away from your resentment and choosing to respond to your circumstances, if you're going to respond to something, you first have to learn how to approve of yourself, to appreciate your own efforts even when they don't feel noticed in those circumstances. You have to learn how to validate your emotions in these circumstances instead of waiting for someone else to get it to try harder to understand you. Right? So that's what that would look like for you to begin implementing there. And then after you've learned and you've been practicing how to start accepting, appreciating, approving and validating yourself on a daily basis in examples big and small, I want you to do it as often as possible. But from there, you're no longer going to allow your choices to be a constant reaction of your circumstances. Think about your daily life right now. I am willing to bet that if you struggle with a victim mentality and built up resentment, you feel that you don't have many choices with your actions, that your actions are, are a reaction, a default of what other people's choices are. Well, my husband didn't take down the trash Monday morning, so I had to do it. Well, that sounds like a recipe to build up more resentment towards your husband. Right? He can't even do this one simple task before he leaves to work. Blah, blah, blah. Okay, another One can be. My kids are hungry for lunch and I'm the only one here to feed them, so I have to feed them again. We're feeling like a victim to these circumstances to. But our kids wanting lunch just like when our body gets hungry is harmless. That's not to attack us. And our husband not taking down the trash Monday morning, like maybe he truly did forget. I don't know about you guys, but I have literally forgotten to take down the trash. And on this past Monday I was like, oh, we forgot to take down. I forgot to take down the trash the week before. And my husband and I try really hard to just like cover each other's ends and understand that you, you know, you're gonna forget things. So last Monday, both of us forgot this Monday I was like, okay, I need to get this done. So I hurry and run outside cuz I hear the trash man coming. And because of, you know, daylight savings, it feels like they're here even earlier. And my husband leaves for work usually at 6am so it kind of makes sense to me, like how he could forget to take down the trash. And honestly, we could work as a team to create a better system. If taking it down in the mornings isn't working, let's make sure we take it down Sunday, the night before, whatever. We can create a new system here. But him not taking down the trash is not an attack against me. It is so not attacking against me. Just like if I forget to do something for our home, for our family, for him, for my kids, it is not an attack on them. There is such a thing as us harmlessly forgetting because we're human, right? So there's so much we can do. But when we react to that, of course he didn't take down the trash. Now I have to go do it. What if we were capable of responding, oh, the trash hasn't been taken down. Now I'm grateful that I have the time to do that because you see that your husband is a team member, you see that your kids and their hunger in their stomach is not an attack on you. And responding to that circumstance of, okay, they're ready for lunch and yeah, it's time for me to make lunch is not a reaction in terms of and everything falls on me and there's nothing I can ever do and I carry so much more than everyone else. But it's a response of knowing who you are as their mother and that making lunch for them feels like an act of service that feels so good to do. It's like that selfless act of service where I want to nourish you. I want you to feel strong and have energy and, you know, to sit down and have this meal together. I love that I get to do this. And yeah, I said it's a selfless activity. Act of service. However, it could be selfish, too. It could be selfishly driven to say, oh, no, it means so much to me to be the mother that I want to be. So I'm going to make you a lunch, and I'm going to feel proud of the lunch that I put in front of you. Not because you deserve all of these things. And above and beyond which, I do believe our kids deserve exceptional mothers, but I think we deserve to be that mother. Not to look at everyone like all these other mothers and say, oh, you, you're a way better mom than me. My kid would be better off with you. Like, no, no, no, no, no. Our kids do deserve everything that we want for them, and we deserve to be the ones that provide that. We deserve to be the one providing the safety, the presence, the responses, the attention. Right? We deserve to be that person that does that because it feels good to do that. So if you want to start responding, responding to your circumstances, like the examples I just mentioned with making lunch for your kids, taking down the trash that maybe your husband forgot to take, or cleaning up your home in the evening, you're not a victim of your home, right? Like, none of this mess is here just to piss you off. Like, no one did that to you. Your family lived that day. And maybe a routine slipped up once or twice. Or maybe you haven't set a routine yet and you're noticing. Wow, it would feel so good to. To do a little bit throughout the day. I'm excited to implement that tomorrow. Let me get this cleaned up tonight and give myself that fresh start, because I deserve it. You deserve that fresh start. You deserve all the effort. It's not about the reaction of, well, he didn't do this, or my kids did this. No one has as much as me. It's the response, these are my circumstances, and this is what I'm going to do about it, because I know who I am. So if you want to start responding more, you have to get crystal clear on who you believe you are and not only who you believe you are, because a lot of who you believe you are needs to be worked on. It needs to be healed. If you were already who you want to be, this wouldn't be a problem right now. Right? So we need to understand what is it who do I believe I am right now that's preventing me from being responsive and has trapped me in, in this cycle of reactivity? Who is it? Who am I identifying as that has put me in this position and understanding that you can find that piece of you without shaming yourself. You can find that piece of you and create so much self compassion and understanding and grace right there. For you to say, oh my gosh, it makes so much sense how I got here. And I'm so grateful that I'm learning this about myself now because now I know how to help myself and what I need to be doing and what parts of me no longer align with who I want to be. So that way, when that part of me is speaking up, I can say, hold on a second. This doesn't sound like my responsive nature that I'm building. It sounds like my reactive habitual nature that I'm working on taking down. So I'm not going to do that thing that my mind is saying to do. Lash out, shut down, ignore them, yell whatever it is. I'm not going to do that because that's coming from a place of me that I'm working on reconditioning. That does not align with who I want to be. So part of that, knowing who you are, it's not just who you are right now, again, we can't skip who we believe we are right now. We have to get super crystal clear, very vulnerable, to say, okay, yeah, I am reactive, overwhelmed, anxious. Like, how is it that you've been identifying with yourself, that you've trapped yourself into this box that's not serving you, but it is creating all these actions. We need to get crystal clear on that. You can't skip that. You have to heal that. You need to discover it. Yes. And heal it. And then we need to walk towards the clear vision of who you want to be. She's the game plan, and you get to decide exactly who she is. The hundreds of women that I get to coach, the system is the same, but the answers are different. The journeys are different. Right. How you decide to apply these skills and tools looks different, but the system itself is the same. You've got to know who you are, not only who you are, but who you want to be. And that part of your identity of who you want to be is going to create that direction and clarity for you so that you can stop, literally stop allowing yourself to have choices that are just a reaction of your circumstances. So instead of that, we're going to get clear on, well, this is who I am. And we're going to decide that your choices are intentional responses to who you are, who you want to be. It does not matter if your kids need lunch, right? If they're hungry for lunch and you have to be the one that makes it, that could be one perspective. Or you could be the person that's excited to strengthen and nourish your child's body and provide them with a filling lunch that feels good for them and it helps their bodies. And you can be the one that teaches them about food and all these lifelong skills that will literally serve them for the rest of their lives. I don't know about you, but I wish I would have learned about food sooner. I wish it was like really valued. And I was taught about cooking and cutting and prepping and food preserving, gardening, everything that I'm so interested in now. And I'm like, man, can you imagine if I learned all these things as a kid? Sourdough. Can you imagine? And now, as their mother, I have the opportunity to invite them into the garden, to invite them into the kitchen, to teach them about sourdough and folding and why we're doing what we're doing and feeding the starter and everything that I'm learning right now. As a 27 year old, my almost 4 year old has the opportunity to take in. My almost 2 year old has the opportunity to take in. They're doing things that I had no idea how to do. And I am freaking proud of myself for being the mother that teaches that, that prioritizes that. Does it put a little bit more on my plate? Yeah. Is it more effort to put them in my kitchen than kick them out? Yes. Right. Is it more effort? And I need to stay conscious and intentional and present more when I'm gardening, when they're in the garden too? Yes. Luke tried to rake up my peas that are sprouting yesterday and I'm like, ah, buddy, we've got to let the peas grow right here. You can put your rake in this box. Obviously that takes more effort, but that's effort that I feel really proud of. Imagine that. Imagine looking at your efforts to care for your home, to care for your children, to respond to your husband and have productive conversation. All of the effort that goes in to, to being a mother, to being a wife, to being a daughter, sister, employee, business owner, who, whatever roles you get to take on in this life, it takes a lot of effort to be who you want to be in those roles. But when you know how to accept, appreciate, approve and validate of yourself, it feels good to pour all that effort in because you're building your own Sunday. And when someone notices how incredible you've been showing up, the positive changes they've noticed in you, how much they love watching you as a mother and the way you include your kids and gosh, your kids, like, it's incredible how much they know about the kitchen and cutting and whatever. That's the cherry on top of the Sunday that you've already built. No one passed you a Sunday, right? You've got everything right in front of you that you need to build your own Sunday. You just have to stop pretending that a cherry means that much to you. It's a freaking cherry. I'll eat my sundae without that cherry. Thank you. Like, I would rather have genuine appreciation from others than for someone to feel like they have to find something to appreciate about me because I won't let it go. I'm responsible for that. Right? So I want you to understand how we can clean our home. Not because I'm the only one that will do it, but because those actions of cleaning the home, taking care of our belongings, making our bed that we get to sleep in, those actions align with you and the way you want to feel and the way that you want to care for the things that you love. It has nothing to do with anyone else. It has everything to do with you. I understand that there are a lot of times that our circumstances are, are unfavorable. They're not what we would choose for ourselves. And I totally get that. However, you're the only person that's really going to make the difference in what you do with your circumstances. Your baby's waking up early every morning. Okay. Yeah, welcome to my home too. I get it. But we are the individuals that get to choose. What am I going to do with this circumstance? I don't control my kids. I don't control the time they wake up. I used to exhaust myself trying to think that I controlled it. And there are all these things that I could do. My youngest will sleep till 8am and my oldest is typically up between 5:30 and 6. And he's done that his whole life. So as I'm building out my new morning routine for myself, I started a hundred day challenge for myself to have a morning routine. And I'm on day 22 today. And of those 22 days of waking up early, I'd say my almost four year old has woken up earlier than normal and has joined me 20 of the 22 days, 20 of the 22 days that I have committed to having this morning routine for myself because it aligns with who I want to be. And I'm proud of myself for doing this and making this time for myself. He has joined me 20 of those days. You know how easy it would be easier, honestly, to just take him back to bed and lay in his bed with him and say, be the victim here. I can never do anything for me. I never get what I want. I can't even have a morning routine because my kid has a sixth sense and knows exactly when I wake up in the morning. I could do that. That, honestly sounds easier than building out a morning routine with him, which does take more effort, but long term, it's so much more rewarding because I have my morning routine and he knows what to expect in this morning routine if he's going to get up and join me. So Liam knows that he comes into the room and I am sitting on the bed. Either depending on how early he gets there, I'm either journaling, I'm reading, or I'm in the middle of a workout. Whenever he comes in, he knows you are welcome to get dressed. Liam does not like to stay in his pajamas, and I respect that. So he's welcome to get dressed and have quiet morning time. That quiet morning time looks like reading books. That's what he does and he loves it. But I had to be the one to put in the effort to create that routine and not give up just because my circumstances were. Were not exactly what I wanted. I had to include him, but it's not even that I had to do that, right? I didn't have to do that. I could have just laid back down in bed with him and tried to get him to go back to sleep and decided to play the victim, build up my resentment in motherhood and towards my child and not put much effort into making it work. Right. Being the conscious person that makes choices that align with who I am as his mother and also as a woman that I feel proud of my choices. I didn't have to do that. So I don't have to do these things. I don't have to include him, and I don't have to take him back to bed. I either get to include him or I get to take him back to bed. These are things I can do that I get to do. And this is how powerful mindset is. I didn't allow my mind and that initial feeling of defeat when I saw Liam walk in the door the first morning or the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, 20th morning right I don't allow a negative thought to decide, oh, I don't get to do anything for me. That's not true. There's no way my almost 4 year old has more power over me than I do. I get to own my choices. I get to make sure that I respond to my circumstances thoughtfully and be very intentional with what it is that I choose to do with the cards that I'm dealt. You don't get to control all the cards that you're dealt. Right. But you do get to decide how you play them. And my job here is to help you see this resentment and this victim mentality game that we're doing to ourselves is not the only thing that we can be doing. But sometimes it's hard to see that when you're in it. And I know that. So I just love to bring these things to light and give you a new idea of ways to approach it. So wrapping this up, just remember that this simple shift to step away from your resentment and victim mentality is to choose to respond and not react. And that looks like learning to accept, appreciate, approve and validate yourself. Build your own Sunday and then making choices that look more like responding to the circumstances instead of reacting to them. And when we do that, we're choosing our responses based on who we want to be. And everything that doesn't align with who we want to be. We are discovering it and healing it. We're not long, we're no longer going to carry it. It doesn't serve us anymore. And you're the only person that gets to decide if you're going to carry it longer or heal it. So if you join me inside of my 12 week course, Luke's at my door. So we're just gonna keep going because they're playing. But if you join me inside of my 12 week course, mind Body alignment, this is the last week for you to enroll. So if you are listening to this, I mean join me inside of the course. Enrollment closes March 25, so you have just a few days to decide if this is the right fit for you. But I have the prerecorded video modules, the PDF material to help you do that deeper self discovery work. And you have access to this every Sunday I drop new material for you. So we kind of just take it in bite sizes, I pace it for the 12 weeks. But you have lifetime access to all of my material and all of my content that I provide to you inside of the coaching. So throughout the week as you're working on your PDF material and prerecorded video modules to walk you through through I also offer my group students two live sessions with me every single week and if you can't make the live session, the replay is automatically loaded to your membership account within 24 hours and you have lifetime access to that as well. And if you're unsure, like oh my gosh, I don't know if the lives will work in my schedule, I allow my community of women to vote on when the lives will be. So I don't know when they will be. I only know that they will be twice a week. Once will commit to one evening and one early afternoon call together so that I can be on and answer your questions. And I'm so committed to you that I stay on that live as long as it takes to answer everyone's questions because I believe that everyone there deserves that right. We deserve that time together and to work through things. And if you're showing up, I'm showing up. If you're there, I'm there. So I just want you to know that this is your last opportunity 2022 to work with me. My full 12 week course is ready for you to do this deeper self discovery and and healing work so you can finally be who you want to be, the woman you want to be, and choosing those, like I said, those acts of service that feel freaking good to do for ourselves, for others, instead of looking at it as everything that we have to do because no one else will do it. Stepping away from the resentment because everything that you choose to do aligns with who you want to be and you deserve to feel proud of that. And part of that is learning how to accept, appreciate, approve and validate ourselves and everything else is a cherry on top. So I'm really excited to connect with you more inside my course. I hope to see you there. The link is provided below so you can get all the details and save your spot. And you're welcome to reach out to me directly either on Instagram or through email and let me know if you have any further questions about my course and if it would be a great fit for you. I also have a podcast episode dedicated to the details of my course if you want to go back and listen to that as well. But I'm wishing you all the best. I hope that this podcast episode serves you tremendously and I will talk to you real soon. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.