185. Shifting Your Mindset With Tessa Romero

Well, hey there. I'm so glad you're here today because our guest is going to blow your mind, literally. She's going to help change your mindset. Today we're going to be talking to mindset coach Tessa Romero and she really does focus on our mindset around motherhood, but it really feeds into relationships, into business, and just in general how we view things. When I met Tessa back at the end of the summer of last year, even after just talking for a couple of minutes, I pointed out some things that I was struggling with and the way that she was able to shift the way I was looking at it and kind of give me a different perspective made a massive difference in just a couple of minutes. So I am so excited to have her on the podcast for an entire episode and talk out mindset and how we can really focus on improving ours. Because I don't know about you, but it is really easy for me to become negative or overwhelmed by the things I have on my plate. And oftentimes we can't always change the things on our plate, but we can change our mindset around things and how we're going to handle things. And that is exactly what Tessa is going to explain today. Tessa is a fired up mindset coach for mothers changing the narrative of what it means to be a mommy in today's light of motherhood. She is also the owner of Mom Set and also runs the alignment journaling course on mindset. She provides practical examples and tools for moms wanting to think more kind, empowering true thoughts about themselves and their families. With over 5 years of experience coaching mothers, several powerful courses made, and now expecting her fourth baby, she's ready to share her whole heart with you today and trust me, she is good at explaining things and really helping you see things from a different perspective. I'm so excited to have her on. Also, we have a fantastic Mother's Day treat today. Besides Just Tessa, my Diastasis Recti Core Guide is on sale. This is a core only guide meant to help improve your core from leakage from back pain and just separation of the abs. So diasis recti is when the right AB separates from the left AB and there is a thinning or weakening down the center of your core muscles. This basically makes for a lower belly pooch. There are so many misconceptions and myths about this, but my Diasis Directi guide has helps clear it all up. Has 13 educational modules that teach you how to actually connect to your deep core. Your diaphragm, your pelvic floor, and then connects it through Deep Core work in a progression helping you move from beginner intermediate to advanced. The nice thing is you can do this course with any of your own workouts because it is a core only plan and it is a one time purchase and the next really awesome thing is I know I just came out with the app makefit6simple and while the app has full body workouts in it that encompass Deep Core, I wanted to still have the Diastasis Recti Guide be a standalone product because a lot of people don't want a subscription. They want to go to the gym, they want to go to Orange Theory, they want to do their own CrossFit or whatever it is running whatever it is they enjoy, but they still wanted that core work. So I kept the doctor Guide as a standalone core program that I actually will be hosting in a separate part of the app. So if you buy the Diasis Recti Core Guide, you don't have to have the subscription but you will still be able to access those workout modules in that section in the app and it is yours forever. That piece. I know a lot of people wanted me to combine them and put the Core Guide into it, but I have a ton of core information in the subscription. I still wanted this standalone product for those of you who love your current workouts and but still really want to reduce leakage, reduce back pain and see and feel changes in your core to help it just lay flatter and for you to feel stronger. The Diastasis Recti Guide is on sale for 30 off. That is the highest discount code I ever do for it. Sometimes I do 20 or 25 but we are doing 30% and the code is love. Because to be a mom you've got a lot of love in your heart and it takes a lot of love and it is a lot of blood, sweat, tears and love. So 30% code love. I will have the direct link in the show notes for you to purchase and it is only on sale this week and as we get into today's episode, one thing that can help with our mindset because we're a little bit calmer is simply getting more sleep and getting quality sleep. That's one of the reasons I love cozy Earth's bamboo sheets. They are so soft, so comfortable and temperature regulating so I can use them year around. We've had ours for probably three years now and they are still just as soft. I really hate when the sheets like get like crunchy or like those little balls on them. Nope, not these ones. We've lost them tons of times and they still are amazing. They were also on Oprah's favorite things list in 2018. They have a variety of sheets, bedding, sets, and even, I learned a couple weeks ago, pajamas, which I already ordered some to test out. Cozy Earth has provided an exclusive offer for today's listeners up to four 40% off site wide. Yes, you just use the code simple40 and you're going to get 40% off anything that you order. Trust me, you're going to love these sheets. You might as well try them out. All right, let's get into today's episode and talk about mastering our mindsets. My name's Andrea Allen and I am a mother of four girls under seven, a wifey to a mountain man, a personal trainer and a nutrition coach. I love all things women's health and fitness, but let's face it, the fitness industry is complicated and it's not built for the everyday mom. There's so much conflicting information and you're busy and you don't have time to figure it out. I hate feeling confused and overwhelmed. So I have made it my mission to simplify health and fitness while creating a welcoming, realistic and empowering home for like minded women. I'm happy you're here and I hope you stay a while. Hey, Tessa, I'm super excited to have you on. This has actually been a long time coming. We've talked about this for a couple months now, right?

Yes, yes. When we got together at that event and we're like, oh my gosh, we should do a podcast episode together. And it was just like, miss, miss, miss. Okay, now we're finally making it happen.

I know when I met Tessa in person, it was like love at first talk. Like the first sentence, we were like, we hit it off.

Like, I connect with you.

Which is kind of funny at a social event to do that, you know, with a stranger. So, so excited to have you on today. Tell us a little bit about your story and how you even got into mindset coaching. Because even in that first conversation when we were talking and I kind of said some things about that are hard for me as parenting instantly, the way you could like shift it even in that few minutes, I was like, oh my gosh, she is good at what she does.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Perspective work is truly my favorite. It has my heart in such a big way because I think it's so empowering to know that anything in life can happen and I can choose what I think about it. So I don't feel this need to control everything or anticipate what somebody's going to say, because I know, well, I can just think about this the way I want to think about it. And that's truly changed my entire life. I grew up with some family dysfunction and abuse and trauma and pedophilia affecting my life and those huge things happening for so long. I just felt really like the victim. The victim of life, the victim of everything. And when I became a mom, I just. I really wanted to see myself as, this is my clean slate. This is my fresh start. The only thing my son's going to know about me is what I show him, and he's going to know me to be who I've shown him I am. So that kind of led me into this work of, who do I view myself as and what am I choosing to think about things? And is this something that I want for my son to do? And it held me really accountable to making changes. I didn't know that I was good at this, though. Like, I didn't know I was good at mindset or anything like that for a long time. Several years. And then my husband and I were actually making just, like, funny content together several years ago. And there was this mom account that I was following. And it was as if, like, most messages she shared just seemed so down to me. Just really negative, it felt like. And not the way that I was viewing motherhood at all. And then there was one reel that she made when reels first started, and she said that motherhood is monotonous. And she goes through her day as a mom and shows how everything she's doing is monotonous. And to have something be monotonous means dull. And I'm like, how is motherhood dull at all? To me, it's so. Gosh, you just, like, you may have routines in place, and I feel like that's where we find safety. And then there's so much unpredictability, and we have so much freedom to create the kind of days and activities that we want. So that inspired me to make my very first mindset real about how motherhood's not monotonous. Your mindset about it is. And then that took off. That really resonated with people, and it challenged them in a way that I was like, I can do that. I can share a lot of messages just like that, because it's just the way that I see things. So through life experiences. And then just one blessed reel that showed me, hey, there might be something to this to help people see another way that you didn't even know you were good at. And it's been really rewarding to see how mothers connect better with their families and their children. And they lead in a way that they feel really proud of because they're thinking about it differently now.

I love that. And the thing about you now is you have literally hundreds and hundreds of these style of reels. I've looked at some of them and you'll often say something like a thought that we have as mothers, that's kind of negative. And I've watched your reels and I thought, oh, I've thought that, I've thought that, I thought that. And then you replace them with a different way to look at it and instantly I'm like, oh, like even my vibe when I'm watching, I'm like, oh, oh yeah.

Oh, that's better on my soul.

You know what I mean? Like that feels nicer. You know what I mean? So what is one way that any mom in any season can really improve her mindset? Because a lot of what you say is you're not really changing the situation. Like we can't change some of these day to day struggles that sometimes we have as a mom, but we can change the way we view them. So how do you help a mom in any season of her life figure out how to shift that mindset?

Yeah, there are so many good ways to do it. And those thought swap reels that I have done, I don't do as many as them now. Just for me, it's more of like, what do I really want to share online? And I'm navigating that myself too. So I have put a lot of those out there and I'm grateful for them. And there's a lot of great ways that you can approach mindset. There's common things that you hear around. Just pay attention to how often your mind is saying that you have to do something and flip it to what you get to do. And really anything that we do in a day is something that we get to do. And even if you're like, well, I don't want to do that, though you still have the opportunity to do doesn't change the truth behind it. And to me, when I share a perspective that really resonates with people or those thought swap videos and it's not because I just said something like so unheard of, so bizarre. It's just because I focused on truth over comfort. And a lot of our negative thoughts feed our comfort and they're just not rooted in truth. So When I just share truth, the reason why it can just slip right to your heart and right past all that negativity and built up resentment and all the harbored feelings that we've been having is because truth does that. So we just lead with truth. And the one thing though, of all of all the mindset tips out there and practices that are so valuable, I really believe the most sustainable and effective thing to do is control and intentionally choose every I am statement that you use. If you say I am overwhelmed, what are you naturally going to think about your day? After you say I am overwhelmed, what are you going to do naturally think about your kids? The whole story that follows when you are overwhelmed. Now you see how well it's my kids overwhelming me, it's the finances, it's that girl I work with or my husband said XYZ or didn't do abc. And now our mind starts looking for all of those things. And while yes, those are things going on in our lives, you positioning yourself as someone that, that believes they're overwhelmed doesn't help you solve the problem either. It's true.

When I look at those things and I think about them, I instantly start noticing all almost the bad in your day when there's plenty of good. Like I can tell you, I said that statement this week alone. You know what I mean? And I think about it and I'm like, yeah. And then the rest of the day, I noticed everything that was hard and stressful and overwhelming and there's plenty of good things in the day too, but I didn't notice those because I was too busy focusing on what was overwhelming, you know?

Yes, exactly. So if I could just, I mean, if I could plant a seed in the mind of every mother across the world, I would truly just be this empowerment to intentionally control and consciously create I am statements that equip you to be who you want to be in the very moments and circumstances that you find yourself in and what you've been given. If your child's throwing a tantrum, you're not going to handle it better by thinking, I am angry, I am frustrated. I am so over this. That's not going to help if the child has a tantrum. We don't need to contain the tantrum or control it. We can believe like, I am steadfast, I am present. I recommend a lot of moms steer away from the word patient because it triggers them to think about impatience and rush and urgency. So to pull on something really new for you. I am treasured. I am cherished. I am valuable. Like, who can you be in this moment that would create an entirely different tone that, you know, I don't need to contain this tantrum or control it. I just need to set a tone that my child can match and last one minute longer than them, which we can totally do until they come back down and meet me where I'm at. And we all have power words that do that for us. And it's in those power words that you just teach your mind to come up with something entirely new. A lot of women are like, I just so wish that you were in my mind and you could tell me what to think. And I appreciate that they think that about me. And I just know your mind is so capable of coming up with beautiful messages that I've never even thought of. It's just a matter of the direction and focus that you give it. So start with an I am statement that actually feels like that's taking me somewhere new and it feels exciting.

Let's do I am overwhelmed. So if someone is thinking that, let's give a couple of different examples of how you're saying we could kind of freeze. Rephrase that. Like, something for people to think about. And obviously it's going to be different because like you said, it's very individualized. It's words that are going to connect with you. But what are some examples that you would suggest in that scenario?

Overwhelmed is a feeling. It's a way that we feel. It's not who you are. So in the grand scheme of things, it's extremely misfitting and incorrect for us to say I am overwhelmed. Because what we're doing is we're positioning a feeling, a single feeling, as the controller of us.

Oh, okay. Yeah. I've never thought of that.

Okay. Right. So I like to. Have you ever seen the movie Inside out, the kids movie Animated Emotions?

We've seen all the movies.

Exactly. Same, same. And I just. I adore that movie. I think it's so, so cute. So well done. And if I were the creator of that movie, I would have made a little change. So Riley is the girl that makes the big move and she goes through all these things, and in her mind, it shows her five major emotions at the control panels. She's got disgust, anger, fear, joy. And I always forget that. I know she's bored. I don't think it was. It wasn't bored.

I'm trying to think of it. It's the.

I feel someone listening to this is like. It's this one.

I know.

Anyway, friends without it. Yeah, we're gonna move on. So anyway, the. The designers of this movie decided, hey, let's put these emotions at the control panel. And Joy is kind of the leader. And then Sadness becomes the leader and starts really changing the memories. And when Riley's dad says something that Riley doesn't, like, anger takes over the controls and says, I'll show you sass. And, like, really ramps up on those control panels. Right. And I really believe that it would have been such a service for parents and children alike if the emotions were. Yes. Still there. They were just displayed more appropriately of the way things really are, which is there's a little Riley in her mind that has access to all those controls. So little Riley gets to sit at the controls, and she's the conscious being. And then all of the emotions get a comfy seat at a. At an advisory board table in front of her. And as Riley communicates with her emotions, she's able to make her decisions. Like, oh, this doesn't feel right. You're right. You're right. Fear. I'm going to do this instead. And Joy says, did you consider this? And you're like, man, that's a really good perspective. Like, I'm so glad I felt that, because now I really want to reach out to my friend and put myself out there, you know? Or instead of Riley, instead, it was like they.

Instead, it was like the emotions ran her. Instead of her running the emotions, it was reversed. We can let the emotions control us, or we can learn to control our emotions. And that is where the choice comes in. Even with the I am statement, you know, of how we're going to say things.

And it's the. It's emotional intelligence, really. Like, it's. I feel control can feel, like, a big amount of pressure. Like, oh, I should be able to control my emotions better, not feel angry right now. Like, feeling angry is not the problem. It's believing you're the anger and that, you know, now I need to yell because I feel angry. No, that's not true. You can feel angry and choose to say, wow, I'm really feeling angry right now. I know I want to yell. And the thing I'm actually going to do is take a lap around the block, and I'll be right back. Just. Yeah, just like, I'm going to put my kids in the stroller and take us on a walk. Like, I'm going to work my way out of this. So in this roleplay idea of giving examples, if every mother could imagine this simple shift of when you Have a feeling. Just call it what it is, a feeling. I feel angry. I feel overwhelmed. I feel anxious. Then you protect that conscious role of deciding what you're going to think about it and what you're going to do about it. Instead of, oh, no, I am angry. Here's the only thing I can do.

Okay, so instead of I am, you're labeling yourself. Instead, you're saying, no, I feel this right now, but how do I want to handle this feeling I have? Instead of, I'm angry, so now it's my turn to yell. You're saying, recognize it. See that it's there. And then how do you want to handle that?

Yeah. Yeah. And doing so in a way that aligns with who you want to be.

Yeah.

So there's that common message of motherhood that mothers lose themselves in mother. I mean, women lose themselves in motherhood. You've lost yourself in motherhood. Oh, I lost myself in motherhood. And it's just like on and on and on. And when you really listen to anyone, they will tell you who they believe they are. Everybody uses I am statements. So this idea of us losing ourselves and motherhood, I believe, is really inaccurate. I believe that we. Motherhood just cracks us wide open. Like it reveals all the things that we had been trying to hide. And. And then we are put in this position to face those things, and then we decide, am I going to be the victor of my story or the victim of motherhood and everything that comes with it? And it's a hard place to be because women really have been through such difficult things, just really difficult things leading up to motherhood and in motherhood. And to me, my job is to teach the. The tools and the skills that we can acquire. So that way, when we get cracked wide open, we know this is who I really am and this is how I'm going to walk through this.

So I know you've. This kind of feeds into something I've thought about. I know I've heard you say that basically when we say our kids make us mad, that that leads into. Again, you feel like that's a myth and leads into. We're allowing the outside. So how would you kind of say that that is a myth? Because that feeds into our. I am. And I am angry and some of that. And I know I've said that before. My kids are making me so mad.

Yeah. Yeah. So I used to live by that. Like, truly, I think this work. I think it's just a little bit ironic that this is the work that I do. Because if you were to have met me 10 years ago, six years ago, you'd be like, oh, there's no way this girl's ever going to be a mindset coach. Like, there's no way this girl is going to be.

Most things we're really, really passionate about. It's. We have been in it. We have been in that space. Hence why I love deep core work and pelvic flooring. Because once you have been in that space where you have struggled with something and you figure out a better way, you're like, I'm going to stand on a mountain with a megaphone. Yeah.

This is the hill I die on, Friends. Right? Exactly.

Like, this is my jam. Because it makes everything better. So I feel you on that. Yeah.

And that's. That's where I came from. So with this idea of making me mad, that is like Victim Mentality 101. To think that somebody else can make us do something is. You're giving away all of your power. And you can choose to do that. And I know that when I say your kids can't make you mad, who does it light some fires in people where they're like, you want to bet? And they work so hard. It's so interesting to me. They work so hard to prove me wrong instead of just consider how I might be right. And if they would just consider how I might be right, imagine the relief they would experience if they let go of the idea of their kids making them mad. And yet we just. We try to defend that limitation that we've put on ourselves. When my kids do this, I have to feel mad. That's not true. So it's really the. It's the messaging behind it. It's the program you're giving your mind that I disagree with. I agree that there are situations that I feel mad in. Absolutely. And it doesn't just cancel out the fact that my thoughts create my feelings. That is proven, backed by science. It's researched everywhere. Thoughts create feelings. My kids don't create my feelings. What I think about them does. My spouse, he doesn't create my feelings. What I think about him does. And the proof is, in our everyday life, when we see someone handle something differently than we would have handled it, like, wow, you're handling that really well. It's not because it's not hard. It's not because this person is like a unicorn. They're just. They're just thinking different people, how good they are handling situation.

You might be a unicorn, Tessa.

Don't lie. You're a Unicorn. You're a unicorn. And well, they, they may know like, oh, I'm going into something hard right now. This is an example. My boys have been at like a peak state of sibling friction together. My, my two older ones, they are.

Five, we're in the same, we're in the same boat right now.

Yes. My five and four year old boys right now and then I have a one year old and I'm pregn, my fourth and I'm due in July. So anyway, my, my two older ones though have been in a peak state of sibling friction and it's come out physically a lot. So they really do humble each other and it's, it's like, oh, we're playing great, we're playing great. And then something happens, someone takes something too far and it's like, I just see you in the face. Yes. And it's, there's so much physical tension between them and they both like resort to hitting each other and trying to take each other down. And one of my, one of my sons says some mean things when he feels upset. So there are things that we need to work on. And in my like, I journal every day and I am constantly looking for opportunities to show up better and to show up in alignment with who I want to be because the attempt to control my kids and make them stop doing those things has, it just seems like, is that really the best approach for me to take? Because I don't feel very equipped when I look at it that way and I just want to feel more equipped. So in my journaling though, I was thinking about my boys and what they've been experiencing and I just thought, you know, how cool it would be if I just like was so neutral approaching them. Like I could see there's a problem and, and I'm a big believer that it's people over problems. There's a lot of problems in the world and people are not one of them. So I'm like, I want to instill that in my boys. I'm like, how can I teach that to my 5 year old and 4 year old? And then this, this vision came into my mind and we have visions all the time. If I were to ask you what is dinner going to look like tonight? Your mind shows you a picture. Yes, that's a vision. So I ask my mind questions, what does it look like to teach Liam and Luke people over problems in a really playful way? And I sit with it and then a picture comes and I'm like, oh my gosh. And I had this whole Vision of how I slowly walk over to them and just my presence settles their emotions enough that now their focus is on me. And they feel so curious about what I'm going to do because I have a low tone and I'm quite quiet, and I'm quiet, and my movements are slow and still. And I'm journaling all these things because I can see the picture and I am putting in the details. And I approach them this way, and they look at me so curiously, like, what's about to happen? What is mom about to do? And I grab both of their hands, just kindly and gently, and I walk them over to a cabinet, and I ask my oldest one, can you please look in that cabinet? And he opens the cabinet, not knowing what he's looking for. He's saying, mom, what am I looking for? Is it in? And I'm just saying, is it in there? Is it in there? And he closes the cabinet. And I say, no, no, it's not in there. And I say, my second son, oh, could you go look under the couch over there? Tell me if it's under there? And he goes. And he looks under the couch and he says, what am I looking for? And I say, it must not be there either. And we go to four or five spots, all in my journal of looking for something. And they're continuously asking me, what are we looking for? And I just calmly tell them now that I've completely taken their mind out of the conflict. I've completely taken their mind off of their siblings, and we're all looking for something. They're living in curiosity. Anger and curiosity cannot coexist. They cannot. If I can shift my kids into curiosity and make it play, and I'm just this steady. This steady source and presence for them, and I'm finally able to turn to them and say, well, I'm trying to find the problem. And we all looked together, and so far, we haven't been able to find it. And being able to tell them there are a lot of problems and people are not one of them. So when you guys experience a problem, go look for the problem together. You can do that together. And that's going to keep you guys finding solutions faster and just being. And I was. When I journaled that, though, the next day, I was so excited. Like, bring it on. Please hit your brother. Like, please. Like, I'm not even kidding. Because I'm like, I have got to see this through. I have got to see this work. I'm excited. I want to know, like. Like, let's go let's, let's do our day. And I am fully equipped and prepared for what I'm going to do. That aligns with who I want to be when you guys experience that hard moment. And I get to finally teach like one of my core beliefs that people over problems and this is the way I'm going to do it. And that day, I kid you not, they did not fight. And I honestly felt a little bit disappointed. I'm like, dang it. I was like, this is a great idea. Granted, the next day I was given my opportunity and I still felt excited about it. I'm like, ok, well, I know we can have great days together. You guys showed me that yesterday where we, where we're in a great state and even when we experience tension, this is how I'm going to handle it. And, and that's the power of our minds. And that's how I know my kids don't make me mad. And they. And there's not a child on this planet that makes his or her mother mad. She may feel mad and that's healthy because children feel mad too. And then it's our example of what do I do when I feel mad? Do I just do instinctually spray you with the hose because that's all I could think to do in the moment or do I really restrain myself and believe in that 1% of me that says you can do something better than that? Even when 99% of you wants to be reactive, your kids can't make you. They cannot make you do those things.

Yeah, it's still a choice. Something I love about the story you pointed out is you saw a problem with your kids and instead of just kind of letting it continue every day, because I know I do that. And then in the moment, like you said, you're reactive in the moment. You're always reactive. So something that you said that had me thinking of a situation where if you see something that's consistently happening, you envisioned how you wanted to do it different and you had a plan. So recently I had a situation where I was staring at the same problem over and over again. And it wasn't with my kids, but it was with a work situation and I could not. I just kept looking at the same, the same, the same. And I was somewhere and I was thinking about it. This is kind of a funny story, but there was a vent and it had this covering on the vent and you know those like pictures where if you like look at a certain way, you can see the picture, but not if you look at it the other way. They're like, yes, holograms or whatever. So I'm looking at this vent, and when I looked at it a certain way, it was like these circles with squares in it. And then, like, I had to kind of shift my eyes. And when I shifted my eyes, it made kind of like a. Like a loop, like flowers. And so I'm sitting there staring at this vent, and I'm like, okay, there are the flowers. I have adhd, so I get distracted easily. There's the flowers, and then I turn and I'm like, there's the circles and the squares, and I'm going back and forth. And instantly I got the thought how this is like, your problems. You're looking at the same vent and you're seeing something different. How can you do this with this problem in your life that you're having, like, trying to figure out for work? And I thought about that problem, and I thought, okay, I'm looking at this problem with the circles with the squares. How do I look at it? Like, the flowers, you know, like, how it's not. The problem's not going to change, but how can I look at the same thing, same problem? I can't change the problem, but how I'm handling it. And I kind of worked through some ideas in my mind. That was about three weeks ago. And that situation with just like the app and some things we'd been working on, totally different. It was totally the way we're handling it, the way we're communicating with some of the issues that we had before and just with staff, totally different. And so I love that you pointed that out. Just for anyone, if you have a situation you're constantly having, think about your own vision. How are you going to look at the same problem different? How are you going to roadmap out so you're equipped, like you said, with a game plan. When it happens again, because it's going to happen again, like the kids are going to hit each other again. How are you going to handle it? Because if you don't think it through ahead of time, you're spraying them with the hose, like you said.

Exactly, exactly. And I love that. What's really. Yeah. And what's cool is the more you condition and train your mind to do that with those proactive steps so you become an excellent responder of your life when the next unexpected thing happens that maybe a month ago you would have handled really poorly. You handle it in a response manner now. Not because you prepared for that moment. No, because all of the Other preparations carried into that moment. There's gonna be things that our kids do are like, okay, this is the first time you crawled outta your crib. This is the first time you did xyz. My son recently burnt both of his hands on our stove. Got really bad second degree burns and it was weeks of bandages and it was hard. And I've never put that in my journaling. I've never put my kids burning their hands in my journaling. It's just everything that I do focus on and who I believe I am. Was able to show up in that hard moment and help me and help him when he burned his hands. Those anxious thoughts want to say, what about this? What if this, what if this? And that's not a healthy place to live either.

I love, I love to what if and what if has never helped anybody and I love to do it and I try to avoid it too. So that makes sense.

Yeah. It's just those anxious thoughts are a misuse of imagination. So if we focus our mind. Right. Focus our mind to channel our imagination in a way create visions that your mind wants to do. It's already doing this. It's envisioning how bedtime's gonna go tonight. It's envisioning how you're going to snooze your alarm or you're going to wake up to it. And after you wake up to it, the baby's going to be up too. Before any of that's happened. It's constantly doing this. So we're using something that your mind already does. Creating thoughts, using I am statements, having a picture and a vision. And we're just now using as like, okay, my mind's already really good at this. I'm just going to put in like one more step skill that makes all of this finally work for me instead of against me.

Yeah. Let's talk about the journaling because you've mentioned that a few times. I know you're a big believer in journaling. I am curious how you feel it is helpful in changing our mindset. What you have seen for people you've worked with when they're consistent journaling and just some like easy tips. Because I think I've tried to journal a few times and I write like three times and then like six months later I'm back. And then like a year and a half later I'm back. So I have I think one journal from when I was five to now.

Yeah. Yeah. And I, I mean I usually fill one of my journals. They're. They're 300 pages. I usually fill one of those in just under a year, and then I order another one and I try to write daily. And there are totally times where there's been times that three weeks went by and I'm like, tess, what are you doing? Get in your journal. And I can hold myself accountable to that because I understand the only way my mind is going to learn how to do the things I want it to do is if I slow it down enough to teach it, if it assumes and thinks. That's one thing that I love about journaling, is the very reason why a lot of women, especially do not like to journal is because it feels so hard to slow their mind down.

That's true. That's one. I always am thinking, I don't have time to journal. I have things to do.

Exactly. I don't have time. I don't have time to sit and write.

But I do have time to scroll on Instagram for 10 minutes, which is not helpful at all.

Your mind doesn't have to slow down, though. It doesn't have to slow down to consume content. So I think it's interesting that the very reason we tell ourselves, you know, journaling's not for me, is the exact reason why it would be so beneficial for you. Because it would teach you how to discipline your mind and consciously make it think about what you want to think about. That's hard. I mean, when you scroll your phone, you're not disciplining your mind to think what you want it to think. You're looking at what other people are thinking.

You know what? And as you say that about, it's making you think what you want to think. Sometimes it's almost like a form of meditation, because sometimes people struggle in meditation, for sure, because they're like. Like, I've been working on meditation a little bit with. With Paul. We've kind of been focusing a little bit on that. And I'm like, oh, journaling would almost be a form of that, because you're controlling what you're writing, which means your mind is present. It cannot wander while you write. Nothing will get written down. It cannot wander.

Exactly.

That makes sense.

And think about this. We have upwards of 60,000 thoughts a day, so our mind is not usually holding onto one thought for an extended period of time. It's like, onto the next, onto the next, on the next, on the next. And what's really cool about writing is it takes me anywhere between 20 to 30 seconds to write out one thought. So when I'm journaling, if I'm journaling for 15 or 20 minutes. That's 15 or 20 minutes in 30, 20 to 30 second increments broken down, that only one thought at a time was allowed to be captured and focused on. Because I need every word of that thought to be written down. You cannot move on to the next one. And if my mind tries to, it's just a lot easier for me to say, yeah, I'm actually still writing that. Yeah. And if you take it to the next thought, that honestly just stalls this whole thing. You have to go back and tell me, what was that word again? And my mind has totally done that, where I'm like mid sentence and the word's gone and I'm like, well, come on back. Not done with that yet. And it's just. It help. I mean, imagine motherhood with your kids responding to the hurtful things they can say and the repeated questions they ask or the big demands that they make, the big emotions they have, Whatever. Imagine all of that and your mind being slow and all of it like you're just. You're there and you're able to hold on to one thought at a time for 30 seconds.

That actually would make me more calm because I noticed when I tend to lose my temper or respond poorly, I'm just gonna say it. Sometimes I respond poorly. It's too much. There's too many thoughts going in my mind. I'm trying to get them something. I'm trying to think through something I gotta do later in the day. I'm trying to think through something for work. There's too much. And then you're overstimulated.

Yeah.

So I see what you're saying about if you had one, one focus at a time, that that would be beneficial and you probably would be better at not reacting, you know what I mean? But better at responding properly and think about.

I mean, all day long, we're consuming influences all day in our. In our personal relationships, on social media, in our email, on the radio, podcasts. We're listening to music, we're listening to conversations we have just left right up, down, 24 7. There we are exposed to influences of telling us what to think, what to buy, what to do, how to feel, every. This is why I really started making just mindset content. I'm like, this is all I want to do. Because there were. It just seemed like this overwhelming amount of messages saying how moms feel and who moms are.

And a lot of them are negative. Yeah, a lot of them are negative.

Oh, especially consider three years ago, the.

Problem is, is it can be relatable. But relatable. It's no different than when we say, yeah, you can have leakage and that's relatable, but it doesn't make it normal. It doesn't mean you have to live.

Exactly.

Some of the things with motherhood that make us feel overwhelmed, they're relatable and they're normal, but it doesn't mean we have to live with them, and it doesn't mean it's the best way to handle them.

Yeah, and what I appreciate about relatability is it's up to the individual, what you relate to. Because when I saw those reels saying mothers are overwhelmed, mothers are overstimulated, mothers are underappreciated, and we're ignored, I'm like, I don't relate to any of that.

Yeah, I get that.

I feel very appreciated, like, very appreciated by my children. It's just my expectations are extremely reasonable of what their appreciation would look like. Appreciation to me from my kids sounds like 2am you need a hot pack and you ask me for it.

Yeah, that's a good point.

Because you appreciate how much I show up. You appreciate how much I've done for you.

You know that they can come to you.

Exactly, exactly. And I'm not looking for a thanks, mom. Like, have I taught them to do that yet? No, I mean, we're getting better. I'm just. When I can just look at my newborn and feel so appreciated by my newborn because my newborn doesn't want anybody else. How could you ever feel more appreciated in life than when you have a baby that only wants you? Like, you're everything. And to me, to me, that's appreciation. And my expectations match what my kids, what's realistic for them to give me instead of just, you know, But I want them saying thank you. I need them to say, wow, dinner's great tonight, and eat every bite. I changed my perspective on all of that because in reality, in my reality, my kids don't eat everything that I cook. And I still cook it.

Yeah, but that's just. That's like looking at that same problem like someone might look at, oh, they came to me at 2am yeah, they came to me at 2am it's such a burden. They came to me or they know that I will show up for them. Either way, you're getting up at 2am to help them, so you might like.

What do you like? You're not going to say sorry, so.

You might as well have a, have a better mindset about It. Because it's not necessarily going. That's not going away. If they need something, they're still going.

To come to you.

So you might as well shift your mind. You know, see the flowers over the squares?

Even if we had the opportunity to go put our kids, lock our kids in the house overnight and put ourselves in a hotel, we wouldn't do it.

Yeah.

Why? Because it's so far out of alignment with who we want to be. There's just no way we're going to go let it. Let ourselves do that. So when we say I have to be here. No, you don't. You choose to because it matters to you. Because you still know who you want to be as a mother and as a wife and as a friend. You still show up and do these things. Not because you have to. You could stop. You just don't. You don't stop because you know how important it is. You know who you want to be. And if we fed into that more, crafted an I am statement that aligns with that, and you heard more of that from yourself, everyone can be telling you, gosh, you're amazing. You're the best mom. You do so much for your kids. And if you don't believe it about yourself, it's like water off a duck's back. Nothing's sticking. Yeah. And. And you're still like, people are saying it and you don't receive it because it didn't start with you.

So it's still your mindset. Yeah. It's still the way you're viewing it. So when you journal, do you more journal to write down situations like that and to slow your thoughts, or do you ever go back and read it? Or is it more to just basically regurgit information in the moment? Like which. Which do you feel like is beneficial for changing your mindset? Is it just to regurgitate and kind of make a plan? And when you write it, it forces you to be present or to reread later?

I wouldn't say that's most effective. The beautiful part about journaling is there are a lot of journaling techniques and styles out there that are of benefit to us. I mean, if you're in like a really hard moment, there are times that I've just brain dunted out. Like, yeah, man, my mind feels wild right now. All these negative things. Or I'm on a walk. If I felt really angry about something, I take myself on a walk and I let the air have it. I let the air take all of it. I just leave all of those Nasty words and hurtful things and terrible perspectives on the walk. And once I get all that out, I'm able to see more clearly. So there's still benefit to expressing those negative thoughts that you're having, because then you can see past them. So if you're in that state, brain dumping can be great. Personally, I created my own. My own style of writing because I understood for me, I need to. Like, I have viewed myself so poorly for so long. I need a daily anchor that just reminds me who I am, what matters to me, and what I want. I believe two of life's hardest questions are, who are you? And what do you want? And as soon as you start figuring out who you are, it changes. And as soon as you think you know what you want, that changes too. That's true. I believe that's why those questions are so hard. So in my writing practice, it's a huge focus on who I am and what I want. And I can apply that to all four quadrants of my life. My health, like my physical quadrant, my professional quadrant, my personal quadrant, and my spiritual quadrant. So I'm not only journaling about motherhood, to me, it's about who do I. Who am I in my life? And I need to decide for myself because there's a whole big world out there trying to tell me who I am, and I don't like what they have to say. So in this writing practice, we keep everything present tense. Anything that you want, you write about it as if you already have it. You're already handling the hard moments easier. Not, I want this so badly to be easier. Your mind doesn't care what you want. It cares about commands. It wants you to tell it what to do. So don't write, I want to be more disciplined. Like, I want to get five workouts in this week. If you write it in present tense, you're mentally rehearsing doing something, and that's commanding your mind to figure it out. And then we focus on keeping it personal. When we ask ourselves, you know, what do we want? Making sure this is like a. This is a personal thing for you. It's not influenced on social media.

Okay?

I really want this because that's where they live. That's what they have. I want five kids because she has five kids. Do you really want five kids? Like, when you pull back all the layers, it can feel just wildly blank sometimes. Of what do I actually want? Because all these other things I just saw somebody else had and thought that would be nice. Maybe I want that. I'm not sure. So we keep it present tense, we keep it personal, and we keep it positive. Everything that goes down in your writing is being able to see the flowers instead of the squares and circles. And again, if there's ever a time that you're like, I gotta get all this negative stuff out, then you're not using alignment journaling. You can brain dump. You can go for a walk and talk. You can do all kinds of different things. It's just your alignment journaling is protected time to reaffirm who you are, what you want, and the way you show up. And we mentally rehearse those things.

Okay. And you have a course on this too, on journaling, on teaching it. Because I actually want to take it myself. Because I do feel. I do feel like having some guidance to start of how I want to journal and then be present and realizing, like, I can be in the moment. I can work through situations so when they appear, I'm ready and all of those things. So you do teach this, like, in a course, how to.

I do. And then in that course every month, I. We have a topic for our group, and every Monday of that month, I send them an example of how do we journal through this topic. And like, June, so May is our pregnancy topic. I'm pregnant, so lots of other people are pregnant, so it's our pregnancy topic. How do we journal in a way that. That supports this pregnancy instead of trying to control our body? Get lost in the what ifs, the fears, anxiety, anything like that. June is our birth topic. We're actually doing a birth workshop because there's so much talk about how to physically prepare for birth. You know, what to do with your hips, your pelvic floor, your core, and how to relax and release tension and all these things. And to me, I've had three home births and one hospital birth. And although this will be my third home birthday, and to me, it's so much more mental than anything else. Like, this is my body's chance to shine and say, I know what I'm doing. And the more I back off and trust it and let it do its thing, the better my births have gotten. And that's a mental practice to be able to just surrender and trust your body. So this style of journaling, one of my favorite focuses for it is birthday, because it's like the coolest moment where you're able to mentally be still and at peace and slow and physically watch how powerful your body is. Like contractions to me are just proof and evidence of this power that's lived in me all along that I've never even experienced before. And that when you have that type of mentality going into birth, your experience there is much different.

Yeah. It's the same as you've said, where it's the way you're viewing it. It's all the way you're viewing it.

Exactly.

So, yep. Before we kind of wrap up, I do want to ask, like, I know we talked about, you know, obviously we can be a victim of our mentality. Are there any, like, quick tips or ways you would suggest that people can recognize that maybe their mindset needs shifted? And then obviously, I know one of them is journaling. But any other quick tips you can suggest for people who want to shift it?

Yeah. So just to help everyone understand where I'm coming from with a victim mentality, I have. My childhood was difficult, and I lived through a lot of experiences that I wouldn't have chosen for myself by any stretch of the imagination. I hated God for a really long time because it's like, how could you do that to me? And the victim mentality, just to sum this up for you, is a belief that life is happening to you.

Okay.

Your kids are happening to you. God's happening to you. The weather's happening to you. It's windy today because I scheduled family pictures. No, that's not why it's windy today. That would be a victim mentality. So victim mentality, you can know when you're in it, when you're thinking, why is this happening to me? Somebody didn't put their grocery cart back. The coffee shop is closed, like, and it's like, that woe is me, poor me. How could this happen to me? And it's that too now. And that's how you can catch when you're in it. And I would love to just reassure everybody we've been victimized in our lives. I have absolutely been victimized. And there's a difference in being victimized in your circumstances and taking the role of the victim, where what you choose to do next is outside of alignment with who you want to be. And you justify it because of the way you were victimized. Like, what you do next is always your chance to show up as who you want to be, who you want to see yourself as something that you would feel proud to say. And not everybody wants to. Wants to hear that or live that way. And I respect that. There was a long time I didn't want to hear that or live that way. And I know that my life has changed drastically when I was Able to see I get to actually decide who I believe I am, the way I show up and what I go after. So just a quick tip, though. Again, one of those things. It's like, if I could do this for every mother in the world, helping them create their I am statement, I would help her remove the word but from her language. Like, that is such an easy way to take the power from your victim mentality, but is where it's directly linked to justifications. Well, yeah, I know I said I wanted to wake up this morning, but my baby was up all night. Like, but, but, but, but, but. We're apologizing. I'm sorry that I yelled at you, but you really need to listen. Like, if you can remove the word but you instantaneously shut down the highway to complaining, blaming, and justifying, you may still find yourself there occasionally. Right? There's some back roads you shut down the highway, though, and that is going to change so much of your mentality almost instantaneously. So instead of the word but, I would encourage everyone to use the word. And you can still say anything that you'd like to say. It's just fascinating how differently your mind will phrase it. When you use the word and instead of but, you'll notice the challenge immediately. And I think that's one of those really cool things where you immediately notice a difference when you use a different I am statement, you immediately notice a difference when you choose and instead of but. And if you just practice it, you let yourself. Let it be messy. Catch yourself complaining and say, huh, I'm doing it right now. Laugh it off like you use the word, but smile at that and say, I am so. I am improving so quickly. I didn't even notice when I was saying it before. Challenge yourself to do one day without the word but. All right, One day without it.

We've got some homework. We're gonna do it.

We've got homework.

We're gonna shift our I am statements to not emotions, but actual real things.

And we're gonna pick and who you.

Wanna be and who we wanna be, but not emotions. I love that you said, I am angry. That's not. Yeah, that's an emotion. You know, I'm going to really think about when I start to say that. And I'm also going to really think about when I use but. I'm literally going to think, okay, if you hear yourself say, but. I'm even going to tell my husband. It might backfire on me. But.

Honestly, instill accountability everywhere. Tell your kids you have permission to Tell me when I use the word.

But and just see what comes after.

Mom. Use the word but. I mean, gosh, you've got four girls. You think they wouldn't be.

They're going to be on me like white on rice. They are. They are going to be on me.

Exactly.

But it's a great. It's two simple things that we can do and really think about to shift that mindset.

Yes. Yes. You can implement it today for sure.

I love that. All right. Anything. You'd want the mother who just feels just so negative or just discouraged with her situation to know, what would you want to just tell her to end?

I just. I know that feeling very strongly. And change is just so much closer than you can even imagine. Like, your mind might convince you that it's so far off and it's way too hard and the gap's too big for you to change. And if you just took one step in that direction, just one step towards the mom I want to be would do this. You do that one time, and you've just closed the gap. It's just one decision. It's one thought. It's not all of it. I've been doing this for a really long time, and I still come back to when I'm having a hard moment or I think the gap's too big to clear. If I take one step in that direction, I've proven my mind wrong, and I've closed the gap. So it makes sense why you're feeling this way. And influences make a big difference. Surround yourself with people that view it differently than you do and be willing to sit in that discomfort and know that change is so much closer than you could even imagine.

Thank you so much, Tessa. That was amazing.

Of course. Thank you for having me. I hope that this was of service to you and your audience, and I look forward to connecting with you all so much more.

Well, it looks like we definitely have homework to do. I don't know about you, but I felt very inspired to change my I am statements to be aware of when I'm labeling myself with just an emotion, because that's not really what I am, but I'm actually truly labeling myself as what I want to be, to think about what I want to be and who I really am, and to really think about cutting out butt out of everything. I'm sure when I tell my kids that I want them to tell me when I say, but they're all gonna love it, so let's do it together. I challenge you to try to cut the word. Butt out of things and take ownership and try to change your mindset and your I am statements and I will do the same. I want to know how it's going. So if you do try this this week, send me a dm, tell me how it went or share something in your stories telling me how it went and tag me and Tessa. Her Instagram handle is Tessa Romero. That is T E s S A R O M E R O underscore and I will also add that in the show notes. Tag us both, let us know how it's going. We're going to do this together with our homework and really focus on changing our mindsets. And as she said, remember this is a work in progress. It's going to be tiny steps upon tiny steps and you really are already doing better than you think you are. Don't end every episode that way because I think it's what you want to hear. I end it because I mean it. You are doing better than you think you are. Alright, that's it for today. We'll chat next week.