19. Needs Before Wants

Oh, my sweet friends, we are in for a treat today. And that is discussing the concept of doing the things you need to do before the things you want to do, and how this truly does help you build a mindset that serves you and aligns with who you want to be. Remember that really important identity piece that we're always hitting on and building a mindset that serves us comes right from our identity and our actions follow suit. Right. So we're still building on that. But this little mindset hack, do the things you need to do before the things you want to do, is not necessarily about productivity, which I believe is why so many people build out resentment to this concepts really something that could help you doing the things you need to do before things you want to do. They build up resentment to it because they think, remember, your thoughts are not facts. So they think that it means everything they want to do for themselves always has to come last. And maybe you're feeling that way right now. Maybe you've seen me talking about this on my Instagram and you're like, of course she's talking about doing the things you need to do and being more productive and putting more on my plate and giving more and serving more and blah, blah, blah. I should just be grateful. No, that's actually not what I'm saying. And why we're talking about this on a podcast episode, because this is just a really great place to let my mind pour into you and get on the same page about things. Because Instagram, let's face it, there's just only so much that we can expand on there. And this podcast opens up a whole new realm of possibility and how much we can be me saying and growing together. So needs before wants. Let's talk about this concept. Now we understand why resentment can be built, right? Because we're putting needs before wants. All right? So it seems at first as if all of your wants for yourself have to come last, which you're viewing it as doing the needs first. Again, putting more on my plate. Maybe you are more productive getting more done, but you don't feel you have the energy to be doing more, more, more, more, more for everything and everyone else and less for yourself. And I totally get that. So that's where the resentment can really come from. And once you've built up that resentment, it's really difficult to be who you want to be. Maybe you want to be selfless. Maybe you want to be service oriented. Maybe you want to be really energized and fulfilled and grateful in your home and you're just constantly running into this wall of resentment. Well, when you consider your wants. Okay. Are this long list of things that you want to do for yourself. Okay, so let's explore what that could look like. I want to go on a walk. I want to journal. I want to read. I want to work on personal development. I want to call a friend. I want to take a shower. I want to, I don't know, garden. Like, whatever it is that you want to do for you, you're considering it a want. Now let's explore what some of your needs might sound like. What's something that you need to do before the things you want to do? Oh, well, I need to do the laundry. I need to give the kids a bath. I need. I need to finish this project at work. I need to run that errand for my family, pay the bill, grocery shopping, cooking meals, whatever it is. Those are all the things that you're saying that you need to do. So those are the things that you're considering your needs, and you've been clear on what your wants are. So this whole time, maybe for your entire life, you've considered all these long list of things that you need to do before the things you want to do. And I think that makes a lot of sense. I've personally never had a role model in my life that prioritized themselves as needs and everything else was a want that could come after. However, we as individuals are constantly deciding what is a need and what is a want. I'm not going to be the person that tells you, you know, making that dinner for your family is a want or it's a need, or going on a walk is a want or a need. Like you. You have to be the one deciding in your life, in your life what is a need and what is a want, and you have the freedom to do so. You get to decide these things. So for me personally, I need to go on a walk. I know that. I know that. And I'm going to help you through a journaling exercise that's going to give you more clarity to what your needs are and what your wants are. And I truly hope that it serves you and gives you a really good jumpstart to this mentality. So. But don't resist this mentality because you think all of your wants come last. No, if all of your wants come last because you're not viewing them as needs, then yes, you're going to feel very resentful. You're not going to come from a wholesome place of service. When you're fulfilling these tasks for your family that I know you want to do, I know you want to be this mother for your kids. I know you want to be this wife. I know you want to be this woman. And a lot of that sounds like wants, right? And through this journaling exercise, I'm going to help you gain clarity there. And we'll get there. But right now, just remember, there is absolutely nothing stopping you from saying, I need to have a morning routine. It's not just a want. It is a need. It's a need because it helps me be the mom I want to be. You see that? You know what you need to be who you want to be. So you do the things you need to do. Before you have this plan of being and doing what you want to do, you have to pour into yourself. You have to take care of yourself. It's no longer a question of if you're going to make time to take a shower. Oh, no, I need to take a shower. I want to watch a show. See, sometimes this mindset helps to keep us accountable. It totally helps to keep me accountable. I need to fold that basket of laundry before I do the want, which is sometimes reading a book, right? In the evenings. I've, for example, I've made a promise to myself that any load of laundry I start in a day, I will wash, dry, and put it away in that same day. I've been holding this promise to myself for about four weeks now. It feels so good just knowing, like, I'm gonna start this, I'm gonna finish this. And it's kind of like blood over into everything else that I say I'm gonna do. And it's been. It's been really nice, but it has created some opportunities of accountability for myself in the evening when there's that last load in the dryer. I haven't quite done it yet. I need to put that laundry away. I need to fold it and put it away before I do the thing I want to do, which could look like a variety of things. Watching a show with my husband or going and sitting on the porch swing to read with him, or scrolling my phone, like, whatever it is that you say you want to do. This mindset's also an excellent tool to keep yourself accountable, and you can use it that way. However, you don't have to start using it that way if you're already feeling resentment towards doing things like laundry. I feel no resentment towards my laundry, so it's very easy for me to consider it a need instead of that want, you know, but let's flip it. Let's flip it. Another example is just the other day I shared on my Instagram account, I was going for a walk. I needed to go for a walk before coming back to fold two baskets of laundry, which I want to fold. I want those put away, right? I want to keep the commitment to myself. I want to uphold the promises that I make to myself. I want my laundry ready when I. Not even my family, but when I want it. Guys, I'm 26 weeks pregnant. I feel like I'm low on wardrobe that is comfortable, which means I've got laundry to do, right? And I want that ready for myself. So in just changing the language, I need to go for this walk, and then I trust myself to come back and fold this laundry because I actually want it done. I'm not gonna neglect all the things that I want, right? But we build up this mentality of, like, no, no, the walk is a want. So that's the thing that needs to be sacrificed. And that's what it always looks like. That's why we feel so resentful, is because the thing we know we really need to do for ourselves. We've been categorizing it in our mind as a want. Like, it's just. It's negotiable. It can. It can be put off. It doesn't make that big of a difference when you know dang well that it does. You know, it makes a difference. You know, your self talk makes a difference. If you've had time to yourself, out of the house, if you've had the opportunity to keep up with a skincare routine, take your shower, shave your legs, drink water, do your workout, eat meals. You know, it makes a difference. Be like, oh, no, I could just not eat. Don't worry about me. I don't need water. Who needs alone time? You do that. You need that. But you keep calling it a want. So you're doing everything else. Everything else comes first. And I want you to. I want you to serve your home and family. I personally feel that it. It just is so fulfilling to know that everything I do in a day is driven with intention and purpose and fulfillment. And I want to serve my home and family that way. But I also understand that not everyone's there. And I truly believe that a huge part of that is mindset. Not appreciating ourselves, not knowing who we are, not knowing what we need to be, who we want to be, and confusing it all around to say, oh, well, yeah, everything for myself is just a want. But, like, the laundry needs to be done. I need to do the dishes, I need to run these errands. But you don't need to do anything for yourself. Are we kidding? So I'm giving you the opportunity here to observe without judgment. Observe without judgment, right? Now get out a pen and piece of paper and ask yourself, unfiltered, what do I normally consider a want? Write it all out. Is laundry your want or is a walk a want? A workout? Journaling, reading, listening to an audiobook, listening to music that you love, Planning a night with a girlfriend or date with your husband. Are all those wants? Be honest with yourself. You're not going to lie to yourself, okay? You already know the answers and no one else is reading this, so it really doesn't matter what you write. Observe without judgment. What do you normally consider a want? Write that out. Then write underneath it. What do you normally. Don't change anything yet. What do you normally consider a need? Oh, I need to run the errands and do the grocery shopping and cook the meals and schedule the. The appointments and pay the bill and cook, like all the things, right? Maybe that's where you're at now. When you take a step back and you look at that list and you compare all the things that you once considered wants, which we are working on shifting, to all the things that you've been comparing to needs. You're the only person deciding things this whole time, okay? So let's take total ownership here, because total ownership is the only way that we're really going to make sustainable, effective changes. And I want that for you. But look at the list. When you ask yourself, you look at this list and you ask yourself, does it make sense why I feel the way I feel on a daily basis? Just ask yourself that. I'm not saying how you feel. I don't know how you feel. I don't even know who's listening to this. No one could be listening to this, right? So I don't know how you feel, but observe how you feel on a daily basis and then ask yourself, does it make sense why I feel the way that I feel when I've been categorizing all of these things as wants and all these things as needs. And I typically do these things. The needs before the wants. You're already doing this. You're already doing needs before wants. You just have the categories switched in a not way that's serving you in a negative way, it's switched, right? So now you've done a little bit of reflection work. What do you typically view as a want? What do you typically view as a need? Review those. Observe without judgment. Does it make sense why I feel the way that I feel on a daily basis when these are the things that I've been doing that I need to do before the things I want to do? I'm willing to bet the answers, yes. It makes a lot of sense why you feel the way you feel, whether it be positive or negative. Okay, so now I'm giving you the opportunity to look at. Okay, go down on a piece of paper, and I want you to ask yourself, who do I want to be? Dream her up. Look at all the roles that you have in your life. Who do you wanna be in those roles? How do you wanna show up in those roles? You're a mom, and I'm a mom. We've discussed the concept of identity. I coach my clients through it in depth. I love it so much. It's foundational, and I will stand behind that. It's your anchor for the rest of my life. It's so good. So ask yourself, who do I wanna be trusted? Dream her up. As a woman, who do you want to be? How do you describe her? What does she sound like? What does she look like? What does she think like, what does she do? Okay, who do you want to be? Get crystal clear there. Pause this episode if you need to. Okay? And then when you're ready, go to the next question. What do I need to do to grow into her? So you have your first question. Who do I want to be? Second question, what do I need to do to grow into her? Now, I want you to look at those two questions, and I want you to underline in the first question, the word want. Underline the word want in the first question, who do I underline, want to be? Now look at the second question, and I want you to underline the word need. What do I need? Underline that word to do to grow into her. Look at those two questions and apply this mindset concept. Do the things you need to do before the things you want to do. The mindset still applies. It still applies. You can't skip where you're at and jump to where you want to be without doing the work you need to do. You've got to do what you need to do before you're gonna become who you want to be. Do the things you need to do before the things you want to do. It applies to this, too. You are doing such a great job, and I'm so grateful that you're here listening to this and I really hope that it's sinking in and you can just feel how badly I want you to use this in a way that serves you. I hope you freaking feel that. But if you want to be active, let's imagine that I want to be active. Okay, what do you need to do to be active? I need to drink more water. I need to prioritize daily movement, whatever that looks like. Don't commit yourself to some freaking 30 minute workout a day if you already have resentment towards the word workout. Okay, so let's just call it movement. Let's call it 30 minutes of movement. And you can just fill that, fill that box however you want to. I don't care. But that's now a need. You need to drink water if you want to be active. You need to prioritize movement. If you want to be active, you need to take care of your body. Maybe that means stretching. Maybe you decide, I need to stretch if I want to be active. The creativity here is endless. Use your imagination, it will feel so good. The point is you are deciding who you want to be and what you need to do to be that version of you. And you're going to start prioritizing, doing the things you need to do before you are who you want to be. Okay, Same concept applies now. I want you to look at your daily life. So that's the journaling exercise that I really want you to take advantage of. I want you to look at your daily life. Let's really look at the home. The home, the place that you want to be, of, of safety, love, connection, belonging, security, whatever, whatever your home energy is for you. Calm, whatever it is for you. And ask yourself, what, what do I want in my home? What do you. What do you want in your home? Do you want organization in your home? Do you want clarity in your home? Do you want peace in your home? What do you want in your home? And apply the same thing. What do you need to do to have what you want in your home? I need to implement a system of routine and structure and organization if I want to feel that structure, routine and organization in my home. Okay, so implement the system. What would the system be? I want to have a consistent laundry routine. Okay, what do you need to do to have that consistent laundry routine? See, we can, you can apply this to everything. Personally, I need to go on a walk. I need to get out of my house some to feel really grateful for the energy that's here and want to take care of my home. I Truly want to take care of my home personally, I want to do it. And I'm not saying it's bad, like, seek out resources, hire help. I'm. There's no judgment here. There's never judgment here. I'm just saying do the things you need to do before the things you want to do, okay? And use this in a way that. That serves you. So when it comes to wanting, I mean, wants and needs, you want your laundry done. You want the dishes out of the sink. You want to be an effective communicator with your spouse. You want to be gentle and patient with your kids. You want to be pursuing something that excites you. You want these things. I know you do. I know you do. So what do you need to do to have that patience and gentle nature with your kids? What do you need to do? I need to have time for me. I need to regulate my nervous system. I need to feel ready for those challenging moments instead of so consumed in them in the moment because I've been so distracted. So I need to build more presence. You need to go for a walk every day as a precaution, right? In order to be the mom that you want to be, you need. And if going on a walk every day isn't for you, remember, you're the one deciding what's a want and what's a need. I'm just here providing examples. I'm here to help you shift your mindset, to build one that actually supports you. You're the only person stopping your mind from supporting you. It's all within you. And right now, you have a bully that screams, and she's really loud and she's really mean, and I know what it's like to be on that side, too. I help women through that every single day. Every single day. And I'm no stranger to it myself. Right? But the point is, we don't have to entertain the bully. We don't have to give her more ammo to fire at us. Right? We can build out a best friend. We can. We can pour so strongly into being our own best friends that we truly view all of the acts of service that we want to do as wants. And then the things that we need to do for ourselves. Physically, taking care of ourselves, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, whatever it is for you, if it's reading scriptures, journaling, reading a book, drinking water, physical activity, stretching, calling a friend, gosh, whatever it is for you, you get to decide. And I'm not gonna tell you what's right and what's wrong. I'm just saying that if you're feeling a lot of resentment towards the needs versus wants and what comes first, chances are you haven't been using it in a way that serves you. And that is your cue to start pulling in and. And adjusting what really is a need and what really is a want. I know for me, movement is totally a need. Drinking water is a need. I want to be patient and gentle with my kids, right? So I need to have boundaries with them. It's not just that I want to have boundaries with them. No, I need to enforce these boundaries and stay very consistent with them because I want to be this mother for them, and that matters so much to me. But that may not be the same for you, and that's okay. You get to be the mom you want to be. So with your journaling here, I wanted you to write out the unfiltered version of what you typically consider to be a need and what you typically consider to be a want, and then move into the two questions of who do you want? Underline the word want to be. Second question. What do you need? Underline the word need to do to grow into her. So really spend some time reflecting in your journal. Have you been using this mindset? You've already been doing it in your life, but have you been using it in a way that serves you? Or maybe has it been flip flopped backwards around in a negative way that's not serving you, and now you feel really empowered to flip flop it right to a way that does serve you in a very positive way. So I want you to know that I'm extremely proud of you. I also wanted to update you that I'm currently in the works of developing a journaling course. It's going to be extremely affordable, effective, and amazing. I've been, like, pouring, pouring, pouring into this course, and the more I pour into it, the more it's just like, oh, chills. Like, yes, this is it. And I've been coaching my clients through journaling for years anyway, but I've never had a course just dedicated to it. But journaling is something that I do every single day. It is absolutely a need for me, for if I'm going to show up as the mother that I want to be, the wife that I want to be, and I want to teach this concept to you. So. So in this new journaling course, I'm hoping that it'll be available the end of May, so watch out for that. Um, I'll be posting more about it on my Instagram account if you follow me there at Tessa Romero Underscore and it's going to be an incredible resource for you because I'm not running my course, my mind body alignment full 12 week course until New Year's of 2023. So I'm working on providing more self guided ish resources while still staying highly involved to help you really utilize them in your own life. And I love, I truly do love to serve you. I love to help you. These are things that I want to do because I've been doing the things I need to do, right? I've been healing me. I've been doing the journaling that I need to do. I've been facing the negative self talk and the limiting beliefs that I've had. I needed to do all these things before I could do this type of service that I want to do and I want to help instill that in you too. So this journaling course is coming out hopefully again the end of May. It's going to be amazing. Um, and I'll keep you updated on that. So make sure you are subscribed to my email list to be the first to know when it's the official date that it'll be ready. Um, and let me know if you guys need anything. I'm super proud of you. Thanks for holding space for me in this space on social media platforms, for investing in my course and trusting me to be a part of your meaningful journey of self discovery and healing. I really am so grateful for you. And I just want you to know that from the bottom of my heart, when you hold space and you just listen to these concepts and you have a soft mind and an open heart. Open mind and soft heart, both of those could work. I. I'm so grateful. So grateful. And I hope you can feel that. So I'm wishing you all the best. Remember that you get to decide with this mindset journey. You get to decide who you want to be and building that mindset supports you and I'm just here to support you through it. So I'll talk to you real soon and I'll see you later.