21. The Relatability Trap

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Oh, this is going to be good. Because today we are talking about relatability and the actual trap it can be for your entire mindset, who you believe you are and what you choose to do each day. So I do believe that this is something very important for us to just stay really intentional about. Right. It's not that I want you to relate to one thing over another. That's not at all this approach. I just want you to see that it's a choice. It's a choice. And when we scroll our phones and we're consuming this content on several different platforms. Right. There's so many ways that we're consuming things. Listening to a podcast, you see something or someone at the mall, the park, at a grocery store, whatever, and your mind says, oh, that's so unrelatable. I'm laughing because it says nothing about the other person. You thinking that's so unrelatable says everything about you. And that can be a great thing. I'm not saying that when you look at someone or something and think that it's unrelatable, that it's a bad thing. Not at all. But if you want to relate to something and you're calling it unrelatable, it's not a bad thing. What the other person is doing just automatically a bad thing because you don't relate to it. It just says that what they're doing is not what you're doing. And now we're calling it unrelatable. So I wanted to do this podcast episode because I notice on social media, if we are not the moms preaching about piles of laund our kids making us yell or drink our husbands, we can't talk to them, or they're oblivious, or they don't try hard enough. Like, if we aren't preaching that message, then we're unrelatable. And I don't know if you follow me on Instagram, but that's not. That's not what I do. I. I try really hard to focus on my thoughts about my circumstances, so. So that I know I can always trust myself to overcome and handle whatever the circumstances are, which includes if I'm not happy with a routine in my home. Like, if I'm not happy with piles of laundry mounting up because it just hasn't been done all week or whatever, I don't want to go find relatability in that and get comfortable there and believe that I'm stuck. But I really feel like that's what is happening is we're finding comfort in relatability, not seeing that we choose what we relate to. So I just want to empower you through this episode to see that you are choosing what you do and do not relate to. And when you look at one thing and say, oh, that's so relatable. Do some self discovery. Do you like relating to what you're looking at or what you're listening to or hearing about? Do you like relating to that? Do you not like relating to that? You, you don't have to shame yourself in this process either. This isn't a beat yourself up because you're not relating to the right types of things. I mean, go back and listen to any of my episodes, guys. That's never the approach. Negativity towards yourself, towards your, towards others is never, ever, ever my approach when coaching you how to have a more positive mindset about yourself and your life. You can have a positive mindset and feel like you're no longer connecting with what you once related to. And you don't have to shame yourself about it. You don't have to say, oh my gosh, I'm such an idiot. I can't believe I didn't see this sooner. Or what's wrong with me relating to all this instead of just changing it? Like, you don't have to beat yourself up. What you're going through is probably already hard. Why bully yourself through it? You just made an incredible self discovery that says, I'm ready to grow, I'm ready to learn something different. I'm ready to challenge myself, get out of my comfort zone. And being ready to do that is incredible. That's incredible growth and progress and something that you can celebrate. I'm really proud of myself for catching that. I don't want to relate to this anymore. That's how you can be your own best friend even when you want to change. That's how you can have a positive mindset even when you're faced with looking at the choices that you've made and the way that we've gone about doing things. But until we take total ownership with this whole relatability trap to say, like, oh my gosh, I'm the person that decides what I do and don't Relate to. We need total ownership. And starting it with, I am the person that decides what I do and don't relate to. For better or worse. That's how you empower yourself. No one makes you relate to them. No one makes you say, well, I'm not doing my laundry, so don't do your laundry either. I mean, like that's. It just seems so. I don't even know the right word for that. But what I want us to do is be able to realize that we are deciding what we relate to. That's it. You decide what you relate to. And what you're relating to says more about you than the other person. So if someone tells me, oh my gosh, this is so unrelatable, which, come on, you wanna know how many times I hear that? A lot. I don't take it as this personal attack on me. I take it as well, maybe they're doing some self reflection right now because this certainly isn't about me because I'm just sharing what I do. I'm sharing the way I genuinely think and the way that I truly do take care of my home and serve my family and the things that I love to do. And if it helps somebody, great. And if someone else wants to call it unrelatable, that has nothing to do with me either. But I don't have to stop. I don't have to stop taking care of my home just because the majority of people don't relate to it. I don't have to stop changing my mindset about my marriage and motherhood because someone else is saying it's unrelatable. What is better? Me feeling empowered and in control of my daily routine. What I decide is normal in my home and family and the way that I serve and how I communicate with my kids and husband and what I prioritize in my life, feeling good about all those things and being called unrelatable or not feeling good about those things just so I can fit into the box of relatability, the trap of relatability. Do you see how powerful that can be? When you just shift the perspective in your mind of like, you don't need to be relatable, you really don't. And you might find that you finding this new way of living ends up inspiring other people to do the same too. And I truly hope that for you, I know that you're capable of doing it, but we have to take the total ownership first. That says, I haven't had the type of routine that I want to have. I haven't stuck to the things that I said I was going to do and now these are my natural consequences that I'm learning how to overcome. I'm learning to work through these things. All of that is still a positive mindset while taking total ownership. Because a positive mindset is not about just looking at your circumstances for what they are and saying, well, there's nothing I can do about this, so I better just learn to live with it. Absolutely not. If you're unhappy with the dynamic in your home, or routines and schedules and relationships, or your career or your financial position, or I mean anything, what you're choosing to do and not do on a daily basis, if you're not happy with these things, you don't have to have a mindset that says, well, it is what it is and there's nothing I can do. That doesn't sound very positive. I wouldn't even consider that a positive mindset. But there's this big misconception that mindset work means looking at your circumstances and finding acceptance for the way they are without any type of thought about how to change them. And that's not what it is. We do need acceptance when looking at reality. Absolutely. Because reality is what it is and arguing with it doesn't change it. We have to first accept the way it is. My child throws a tantrum every time this happens. Or accepting the way that it is with nighttime wake ups with a newborn, accepting right where you're at and then empowering yourself with, I know I can help myself. There's always something I can try and do. I saw this one thing and I'm excited to implement that because I know I can do it. That's the mindset portion that will start changing your actions and overall what you're seeing in your daily life and your circumstances will start to change too. So we need to get that clear too. Like, there's a relatability trap and then there's this idea that, oh, we just have to look at things the way they are. The way my husband talks to me, or what my kids are doing, or my career or family relationships, I just have to suck it up and get over it. No, no, you, you are going to have to accept that right here in this moment, this is the way that things are. And, and then you need to empower yourself with, there's always something I can do, there's something I can try, there's something I can change. I'm excited to support myself through this. This is not forever and I know I can work through this. That's the mindset portion behind it that will steer the same actions or new actions in your life. So going back to the idea of relatability, if you are looking at your normal type of day in your home, okay, and maybe you've consumed a lot of content on, I don't know, Instagram, tick tock, podcast episodes, everything, I don't know, like all kinds of different things that have almost reaffirmed thoughts that this is just the way things are. Everybody has mountains of laundry. Everybody struggles to keep up with a cleaning routine or organization. Everybody has way too many toys in their home. You know, there's way too much on everybody's plate. When we have been fed that type of messaging and it's become this normal, that is not what we want to relate to. Right. I just don't want you to relate to something that doesn't feel good for you. And if you're noticing I'm looking at these mountains of laundry and it doesn't feel good, there's your sign. There's your sign. If you can look at mountains of laundry and it feels good for you, please keep going. I, I mean, please, I support you. This is your life, your home, your normal, your routine. I just want you to have thoughts that empower you to do the things that you want to do. I consider that to be my job, to teach you how to have a mindset that supports you in being who you want to be, not just this relatable version of you that's doing what you think everyone else is doing. That's not what I want for you. So when you're thinking about your, your daily, if there, if there are mountains of laundry or your kids wake up early and it throws off a morning routine that you were trying to set for yourself or, I don't know, something happens or you're using a lot of language that says, my kids make me mad, my husband makes me mad, my kids drive me crazy. As if your kids have the control over you. Technically that's pretty relatable, right? If we just scroll social media, technically, the laundry, who's making you think, say and do what? It's very relatable language and it's a relatable belief, but it's not helping you. It's not helping you. So if you look at the laundry and feel like, I don't like this, guess what? You get to try something different. You get to do something different. You get to commit to, you know, I'm going to try one load a day because I don't like having this mountain of laundry waiting for me, staring at me. I'm going to make a personal commitment to myself that whatever load I start in a day, I will have finished and put away. I'm keeping that little promise to myself. And see, like, your commitment to that start somewhere because just, just because social media said that mountains of laundry is relatable does not mean it's what you have to do. It might be popular, but that doesn't mean it's what you have to do. I know personally, that does not feel good for me. It doesn't at all. So I, I don't do that. And I want you to feel that type of empowerment too, in your mind that says, oh, I can do a load a day. I can put, I can wash, dry and put away any laundry I start in a day. And I'm going to keep that promise to myself. Like, you're viewing it completely differently and you deserve that. But the content that you're following is what I really wanted to hit on here. Because our influences really matter. Your mind is always listening, always listening. So when you're trying to get hold of your own negative thoughts, if you're consuming a lot of negativity, which, honestly, any content that says, my kids make me mad, they drive me crazy. Anything like shaming and blaming husbands or, or victimizing mothers, like, any of that, I don't follow it, I don't listen to it because it would be really easy for me to consume that content and then see that in my life too. That's what our mind does. It consumes and it listens and then it sees. So your eyes are looking for what your mind says. Whatever your mind sees is what your eyes will look for. Right? So if you start telling your mind something different, you will start seeing things differently. But, but you have to be the, the bigger, the bigger filter of what's coming into your mind. Who are you following? What are you listening to? What types of conversations are you having with your friends and your family and co workers? It's not just social media. It's like our actual interactions too, that matter so much. And sometimes we have to be the ones that filter ourselves. Like, wow, all I want to do right now is just complain or say something mean about my kids. Like, if you're noticing that you've fallen into this conditioning of just having those types of conversations and it doesn't feel good for you, you can change that. It starts with your mindset. I can change this. I'm an incredible mother and I've gotten distracted. I'VE strayed away from who I want to be. I've been numbing with this venting, gossip, negativity type of conversation and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm stepping into a position of empowerment where I decide what I think about my circumstances and I'm deciding to help myself feel better. That's all mindset, all of that's mindset and it's going to help you do new things. So look at all of the content that you are consuming and influences in your life and decide to stay in control of you. You don't control who's going to say what to you. If it's your sister in law, your mother in law, your mom, a brother, a dad, a neighbor, a random stranger, or a co worker. Right? We don't control what other people say, but we do have influence in steering conversations. If someone is talking to us, are you feeding the conversation? Are you contributing to the negativity? Because you don't have to do that. You don't have to do that. And there are just so many things that we could talk about with that. Maybe that needs to be our next podcast episode. But that's what I really want you to focus on is number one, what are you relating to? Do you like what you're relating to? Because everything that you're considering to be unrelatable is also your opinion. It's your opinion and it's coming from you. If you say that is unrelatable, all you're saying is I do not relate to that, which can be a great thing. Or it could be this doorway of self discovery for you to notice that you're not happy with everything that you do and don't relate to. And those are areas that you wanna start working on improvement and that's okay. So there, that's a question I really want you to work on. If you have a pen and piece of paper, just, just write it out. What do I relate to? And then think about it on the flip side. What do I consider to be unrelatable? Really dive into those, see if you can get some insight. And now I want you to consider what are the influences in your life that you find yourself listening to on social media? Who do you follow in your friends group? Who are you talking to? What kind of conversations do you guys normally have in your home, in your home life? What type of conversations do you and your spouse normally have? Do you guys usually just complain about the kids and what they're doing or do you guys have constructive conversations that help you feel empowered to handle whatever the kids are doing. Right. So we've got to get really clear on what are my influences in my life. How am I navigating those? Do I like it? Do I not like it? And now when we're. When we're thinking about changing what we want to relate to in this, what I consider to be a relatability trap, but really just incorporating more of what we want, relatability aside what other people think about you and what you're doing, aside whatever, you don't control any of that anyway. I just want you to be happy with what you're doing. I want you to be happy with what you relate to and, and what you don't relate to. And that's going to take into consideration your normal. Your normal. There is so much messaging on social media. Again, going back to influences and just in conversations with other moms. And it makes sense why we do it. It makes sense why we have so many negative conversations, negative types of perspectives. I mean, motherhood is a lot. And I'm not saying that it's not. I just know that a negative mindset never makes difficult circumstances easier. It makes them harder. So I don't think it's the right approach to take when having a negative mindset in the face of something hard. It's already hard. Why make it harder on yourself by telling yourself, there's nothing I can do but think about the messaging that we consume in motherhood on social media platforms. And I'm just going to refer back to social media platforms because I feel like that's a. It's just an easy way to get this point across. But the normal is that we. That moms don't get to get ready. If you're a mom, you don't get to get ready because you're too busy taking care of everybody else up in the middle of the night with them, up when they wake up in the morning. And the only time you get to yourself is late at night. So you have to stay up late at night and you never have time to even take a shower or brush your teeth. And you have to reheat your cup of coffee five times before you even have the opportunity to drink it. That would be really relatable to some people. I mean, I've seen reels like that all over the place. And they do awesome, right? The engagement on those is always so awesome. And they're so relatable. You go through the comments, oh my gosh, this is my life. This is so relatable. This is me, blah, blah, blah. And I just look at it as like, do you. Is that what you want? Is that what you want? Do you want to reheat your cup of coffee five times? Do you want to not shower? Do you want to throw everything that you want to do for yourself? Your workout, the walk, listening to a podcast, journaling? Do you want to throw all that out the window because your child asked you to do something or. Or because of whatever. Whatever the reasoning is, do you. Do you want to live that way where you're just not taking care of yourself? But that's relatable and that is why I wanted to record this podcast episode, because it doesn't have to be. We don't have to relate to that. I shower every single night before I go to bed. I do not stay up late. Personally, I would rather wake up early and have, like, morning, morning time with me and my husband and time for us to journal. And even if it's just 15 minutes before my kids wake up, I feel better if I'm just up a little bit before them. And if my child does wake up early, which if you guys follow me on social media, Liam is my early riser. He has been since the freaking day he was born. And again, looking at circumstances, that is something I've learned to accept because I don't freaking control how fast he falls asleep or what time he decides to wake up. I don't control that. I control what I think about it. I control what I do about it. So if he's going to wake up early, I'm not just ditching my morning routine. I'm not going to give up on me. I'm not going to let go of what I want to do for myself. I'm going to teach him. This is quiet morning time. Here's what you can do. You can read a book. You can journal, too. You can play with a quiet toy. You can have a simple snack like a banana or blueberries or whatever it is. Like, you can do these things, but Mommy's journaling right now. Oh, Mom. But I want you to do this with me. I would love to do that with you when I'm done with my morning routine, because this is Mommy's special time and that's my personal boundary. I don't need Liam to sleep until 7 o'. Clock. Would I like him to sleep till 7 o'? Clock? Yeah, I think that'd be great for everybody in this house. But I don't control that part. So instead of only focusing on, oh, my Gosh, he's not doing what I need him to do, and he should sleep till 7. And this is way too hard. And now I can't take care of myself. I can't do what I want to do. How do I do what I want to do? Hold my own personal boundary? Because my child does not control what I do and what I don't do. These are choices that I'm making. And, you know, we could do a whole podcast episode on personal boundaries because, you know, I coach those too. But my point is, I don't relate to that. If there's messaging on social media about reheating your coffee five times and you can't get anything done because your kids don't let you, I don't relate to that. That's my choice. It's okay if you relate to that. If you want, if you want to do that, if you want to reheat your cup of coffee five times, if you want your kids, if you want to believe that your kids have the power to stop you in doing or not doing something, go ahead. Go ahead. I just want you to understand that this is a choice that we're making. And I feel very, very strongly about this. And I know not everyone's gonna agree, but that's okay because I'm not here for popularity. Obviously, I would not share one friggin lick of mindset work if I was here to be liked by everybody. My point is, I want moms to be who they want to be and have a mindset that supports them. And I know that means that we have to take a lot of ownership and take care of ourselves. And if you, if you're like, you know, I want to take a shower every morning, I want to get dressed, I want to get myself ready so that I can feel good about the day. What's wrong with that? What the frick is wrong with you wanting to take a shower, brush your teeth, brush your hair, Nothing crazy but giving yourself just 15 minutes to get ready. What is wrong with that? Oh, my God, it's so. This is so unrelatable. Her hair is curled every day. I'll have you freaking know that. I wash my hair once a week and I curl it Monday morning. And I guess my hair is just super blessed in the years that I've been training it not to wash it so often and that it holds a curl. I mean, yeah, I use some hairspray, but no, I don't curl my hair every day. I don't want to curl my hair every day. If it if the curls wouldn't last that long, I would do braids, I would do a bun. I would do something else that I like. I would make sure I still like my hair even if it didn't hold a curl. But again, it's that this is so unrelatable. Well, I'm not going to stop. I'm not going to stop washing my hair on Sundays and curling it Monday morning and letting it do its thing all week because you're saying it's unrelatable. I like what I'm doing. I relate to what I'm doing. This feels good for me. So let's keep going. And I want, I want that for you too. And comes down to our normal. So I want you. The questions that I have that I've asked you a few minutes ago, whatever, I want you to answer those. But I also want you to ask yourself, like, do I like my normal? Do I like my normal? What is your normal? Ask yourself about it so you can get crystal clear on, oh my gosh, My normal is stay in pajamas till 11. There have been times in motherhood when Liam was a no Liam. I can't remember how old he was. I only had had Liam at the time though. And I would feel so tired in the morning because Liam, my early rising kiddo, has always tried to just instill this in my heart to love the mornings. It finally paid off. It finally worked. But I would stay in my pajamas till 11 saying, I'm so exhaust. I'm so tired. He can't keep waking up like this. Instead of doing something to help myself feel awake and alert and better get ready. So if the normal is for you staying in your pajamas till 11, I understand that I've been in that phase too. And that's why I'm talking about this with you, because we don't have to do that. And if you want the normal to be, I give myself 15 minutes every morning to put on clothes that I love, do my hair in a way that I like it, and feel good about the way I put myself together, personally, I just put on mascara. But if you have like a whole skincare makeup routine that you want to do, I fully support you. But there's nothing wrong with giving yourself 15 minutes to get ready. And I don't care who the frick says that it's unrelatable. I don't care. Relate to yourself. How about that? Relate to what you want to relate to. Okay? So get crystal clear on what is your normal and what do you want your normal to be. And I promise you that if you make you a priority, your kids are not going to fight you on that every single day, because it's going to be the normal. We wake up and mom gets ready, mom gets dressed right when we wake up. You can do that. There might be a little bit of pushback in the beginning if that's not what they're used to, and that's okay. You can still have a mindset that supports you through the pushback. Would you freaking look at that? It's still doesn't stop you. You can have a perspective of. They trust me so much that they feel that they can honestly tell me how they feel and what they think about me taking 15 minutes to get ready. Oh, Mom. But I don't want to wait. This is so hard to wait for you. Why do you have to do that? That's not what you used to do. I know. I know that's not what I used to do, but, you know, I don't like what I used to do. I want to feel good about me every day. So I'm just gonna get ready really fast. You can come in my bathroom. You can come in the closet. My kids follow me around when I get ready, and it's okay. Like, if they want me to do something for them right now, I'll do that for you right after I'm done getting dressed. Oh. Yep. Just let me finish my mascara, and I'll be right there. I'd love to do that for you. I'm gonna get this done first, and I'll be right there. You get to control you. You get to decide what you think. You get to decide what you do. That's it. You don't control your kids. You control your perspective of them. You control what you think about them and what they're doing and what you think about them and what they're doing is helping you or creating this idea that you're a victim to them. Like, I am the victim of you. And I don't want that for you. I want you to. I want you to step into this incredible position of empowerment that you have and opportunity as a mother to create the type of normal that you want in your home. That's it. If you want the normal to be, we clean the kitchen before bed every night and start the dishwasher. And the new normal routine is everyone helps to unload the dishwasher in the morning. Do it. Do it. So what? It's not what you did yesterday. It's what we're doing now. What we did yesterday wasn't working very well, so we're doing something different. And start deciding intentionally what you do and don't want to relate to, because it's all about us as individuals. What we do and don't relate to is about us. It's not about anybody else. That's it. So you get to control what you do and don't relate to the. The influences that you're allowing in. Right. So we talked about those relationships, social media, what you're consuming, and deciding what the normal is in your home. The normal for us is I get ready every morning. Mom has a morning routine where she journals, and if Liam wakes up early in the morning, he knows this is just normal. You find something quiet to do and bedtime like normal. We get to decide what the normal is. And I think that's a beautiful opportunity. Even if you feel like, oh, my gosh, I totally haven't considered this perspective before and I didn't create the right kind of normal. What's stopping you now? Oh, there's going to be so much pushback. There's going to be conversations, sure. There's going to be opinions shared. Sure. But if you believe that this is the next best step to make, then believe that and have a positive mindset that supports you through it, because you're the only one that gets to decide if you start something or if you stop something. You control what you think, say, and do. And I really believe that looking more at what you relate to will help you build a mindset that actually supports you in being who you want to be. And that's. That's what I'm here for. That's my job. That's what I love to do and the work that I'm called to do. And I'm so grateful that you're here giving me the opportunity to share it with you. So I wanted to give you a reminder that my alignment journaling course is out and available to you now. We've had so many amazing reviews about it, and I just feel so giddy because when I was creating that course, I had this intention in my mind of how powerful and effective I wanted it to be. I mean, I poured and poured and poured into this course to make it 38 pages of PDF material to teach you everything that you need to know, from the six guidelines to how to handle circumstances in your journaling practice, and including manifestation and putting it all together. There are five video modules for you to go through, four of which are lessons that coach you through the material and it's all self guided. Go at your own pace so you can bust through it really fast or you can take your time. And I've been talking with women that are doing both approaches and I just, I'm telling you, go to my highlights reel on my Instagram page and there's one for journaling and you can hear from other women what their experiences are and how it is literally changing the way that they actually show up in motherhood. Not just pen to paper. Not just pen to paper. Because what you're telling your mind is what it believes. Your mind will believe whatever you tell it. You tell it. I can't handle this anymore. My kids are out to get me. Nothing ever works out in my favor. You're going to believe that. But if I can teach you how to change the narrative in your mind, you will show up differently in your life. I journal about my marriage, I journal about motherhood, my relationships, finances, the opportunities that I want to seek out, my creative ideas. I journaled about this journaling course before ever creating it because I know that in anything that I want to do, whoever I want to be, all of it, I just have to have the right thing, thoughts that support me in doing it. I want to make a self. I want to make a self guided journaling course. I don't know how I'm going to make a self drinking course. Well, that's not helping. So I am making an extremely powerful and effective self guided journaling course that is changing the lives and mindsets of women all over the world. That's how I would journal about it and I want to teach this practice to you. So I've linked the journaling course so you can find out all the information about it. I tried to keep it extremely affordable so that it is accessible to everybody and it's always going to be available. So if right now isn't a great time, I will always have the link up and available just as a powerful resource and tool for you to begin implementing. But definitely check out those reviews because they are very empowering to read about, very encouraging. And just going through the first lesson. People have talked about the tremendous relief that they feel just going through the first lesson. Just journaling one time, one time. And I've been doing this for three years, this journaling practice. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I know exactly what they're talking about. And it becomes something that you're, that you crave and you just, you want to do it. It's not like, oh, I have to sit down and do this type of journaling. No. I'm going to teach you how to journal using your own thoughts, feelings and circumstances. You will never need a prompt again. You'll never need a prompt to tell you what to write about. To me, those are just distracting you away from what you really need to be writing about. Your own thoughts, your own feelings, your own circumstances. So I believe in it strongly. Obviously I'm a huge fan of it because I made it. But if you want the feedback of how other people their experience in the course, just go to my instagram the highlight journaling. You can check it out there and I linked it below in the show notes in the show notes. So I hope this episode was extremely helpful for you when you're thinking about the relatability trap, what you do and don't relate to and how much empowerment you have in this area. And I will be talking to you real soon. My sweet friend. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.