25. Losing Yourself in Motherhood

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Oh, my friends, I just know that someone listening to this needs this episode, needs this perspective, and it is going to bring so much light to you. If you have ever been someone that has said, I don't know who I am, or I've lost myself in motherhood or something, like, I never had the opportunity to find myself because I went straight into motherhood, anything like that, this podcast episode is going to serve you. But before I dive into this whole perspective shift and something that I feel so just passionate about and attached to with my own perspective, I want to share that I am 37 weeks back pregnant. And that's why, like, I think this topic came up for me, is because I feel like with every baby I've had, I've gotten closer and closer to the most genuine and authentic version of myself. And I know that's totally a mindset thing because I don't tell myself I don't know who I am. I've lost myself. Like, I don't have that mindset about it. And now that I'm nearing the end of this pregnancy, I really just wanted to have an episode that I could pour into while I'm still pregnant with this baby, because I know that this baby maybe is going to enrich my life and who I am as a person even more. And I want you to have experiences like that. I want you to see your kids as those just like, treasures for you, the treasures that brought you closer to who you're meant to be. And we're going to need a good mindset to do that. So I am 37 weeks pregnant. And soon we'll have a podcast episode talking all about my birth story and oh my gosh, I don't know if you can hear my smile, but I just feel so excited for birth. So excited for birth. And as a side note, if you have my alignment journaling course for the month of July, I'm sending out birth specific emails to everyone that has the alignment journaling course so that I can share with you how I am journaling with the alignment journaling method to better prepare my mindset for birth. But birth is totally mental. My body already knows what to do. I Don't control all the circumstances. I have no idea, no idea what's really going to happen. And obviously that's not in my control or your control. Right. But I do control what I think about birth. I do control what I think about my body, what I think about contractions. Right. And that's all mindset. So if you are subscribed to my email list and you have my alignment journaling course, then you will be receiving those emails from me talking specifically about birth related things. Our first one was specifically about contractions. And I have been journaling every single day about birth because again, it's mental. And all this mental rehearsal and remembering who I am. Oh, man, this podcast episode ties right into that. But remembering who I am and how I show up to everything outside of my control, everything that I know is going to happen. Yeah, I'm gonna have some contractions, guys. More than some. I don't. I mean, if you really want to know, this is kind of a side story, but I feel like we're friends. I told Marcus we were laying in bed and I was just thinking about contractions and trying to, I guess, make a plan in my head about making them seem more, I guess, doable. I don't know what I was doing, but I'm sitting next to Marcus in bed and I turn to him and I say, you know, let's say I have 20 contractions an hour. Like, they're like three minutes apart, whatever. And for however long that goes on, If I have 20 contractions an hour and my labor for that period of time is six hours long, that's only 120 contractions. I'm like, literally doing math, which is not my strength. So I'll just say that, doing math about it. And I told him, I was like, seriously though, that is six sets of 20. And if you guys are not familiar with, like, exercise terminology, my husband is a strength coach and I love to exercise. So we talk in sets and reps, and that's how you do a workout. Like, you're going to do three sets of 10 reps. So you're going to do these 10 reps three times is the way to get that. So I told him. I was like, I can totally do six sets of 20. Like, I can do that. Just framing contractions that way mentally. Right? The mindset behind it helped me feel so empowered. And I'm like, if you could just. He's like, oh, my gosh, I could totally coach that way and say, great job, babe. You're on your fourth set. Like, okay, we're starting your sixth set. He's like, we could talk in code. And we were just laughing about it. But I just. I just want you to see how mindset truly does play into everything. You. And if you have my alignment journaling course, I'm trying to pour that into you so you can feel really empowered going into your own birth. Because it is. It's a powerful tool when you know how to work your thoughts in a way that supports you. But even with the alignment journaling method, a huge part of that method is knowing who you are. That is the first guideline that I put in the lesson of the material when I'm teaching you the six guidelines is, who are you? Because if you don't know who you are, I mean, truly, wholeheartedly deciding intentionally who you are, if you don't know that piece, your mindset is all over the place. Your mindset is probably in a very negative place because regardless if you're intentionally deciding who you are or not, you believe you're someone. You believe you're someone. And what I've heard in the years of coaching, when women tell me I've completely lost myself in motherhood, I don't know who I am. I never had the opportunity to find myself. Their self talk is, I am exhausted. I am overwhelmed. I am drowning. I am stressed. I am anxious, I am depleted. Think about that. That is who you are honestly choosing to identify as. Because I can't tell you who to identify as. I can't tell you what types of I am statements to use. Nobody can. And when we take that total ownership just to say, oh, my gosh, I literally am identifying as exhausted now. I've done podcast episodes about this in the past. Remember, all feelings are meant to be felt. That's why they're called feelings. Welcome them. Let them teach you something. Let them deliver their message right? But always remember that you are the conscious being experiencing the feeling. Feelings don't make decisions, okay? Feelings are not leaders. So if you feel exhausted, you are the conscious being that gets to decide what you do about that, what you think about that, what you say about that. Isn't that amazing? Your feelings don't get to decide they're not leaders. They don't get to tell you what to do next. You get to do that. So it truly is empowering. I know it's not necessarily what we want to hear, right? For me to come out and say, like, okay, this is how you're identifying yourself and it's steering your mindset in Your in this direction, and then your actions are following through. So really it makes sense why you're doing what you're doing. Even though it doesn't feel very awesome to be doing it. I want this to make sense for you. I want you to feel empowered to simply change who you believe you are. Change those I am statements. Change. So with this podcast episode, when we're talking about, like, losing ourselves in motherhood, there is so much messaging about that. And you know what? I'm just going to throw this out here. A lot of the messaging around motherhood, really, I find to be frustrating because it's so lacking about solutions. It's so focused and emphasizing relatability. And me too. And, you know, yeah, I'm not alone. Instead of, hey, yeah, I wasn't sure who I was either. So this is what I did and this is what I'm trying. And I'm noticing that I'm feeling this way a lot and I'm excited to implement xyz. And why is that? Well, because it's mindset. It's because it's mindset. And you're listening to this podcast episode because you don't want to have a victim mentality anymore that says, yes, um, I don't know who I am in motherhood. Me too. And there's nothing we can do about it, so we're just gonna keep talking this way. I don't agree with that. I don't agree with that. I never wanna be the coach, the positive friend in your corner that encourages you to give up on yourself and to stop seeking solutions and to not try something, anything at this point. And I just feel so attached to that. So just keep in mind, like, there is a lot of messaging being pushed all the time about how moms don't know who they are and they've lost themselves in motherhood and they've given everything up for their kids. And I just don't see it that way. And this episode is to show you the way that I see it. It's okay if you don't agree with me. I still love you. I still appreciate you. And I really appreciate when nobody comes after me, attacking me, because I think differently. That is also awesome. So if you're the person that agrees to disagree, love you for it, sister. Love you for it. So basically, in this episode, I want you to consider the idea of maybe in the past, you've phrased it as, I don't know who I am, I've lost myself in motherhood, or I never had the opportunity to find myself, because I went straight into motherhood. What if. Just entertain this thought for a second. Have an open mind and a soft heart. Put down your armor and get vulnerable with me for a minute. What if motherhood is helping you find yourself? Have you ever considered that perspective, that motherhood is this unique opportunity that is not available to everybody? I mean, first of all, it's only available to women. Second, not all women get to experience it, so it's not available to everybody. It really is this unique opportunity. And every child is so different. Every mother is so different. So just that alone is incredibly beautiful. And just it feels like magic. Like, it feels like magic. You don't know who your child's gonna be. I mean, I'm 37 weeks pregnant right now, imagining who my child's gonna be, and I have no freaking idea. I have no idea. Liam and Luke, my two boys, are completely opposite of each other, but they are exactly who I need in my life. Exactly who I'm meant to have. Exactly. The children meant and made for me. And I believe that fully. So if you look at motherhood and all that it encompasses and all that it includes for you, what if it's helping you find yourself? It's so common to hear. I've completely lost myself in motherhood. In my years of coaching, I've heard so many times that I never had the opportunity to find myself by getting out into a career. Honestly, you think you're going to find the most authentic version of you when you surround yourself by other people in an office building? Or other people telling you what to think, how to act, who to be, what to do? No. No. We're not going to find the most authentic version of ourselves by listening to the opinions of others and what they think about us. Right? So is it true that you've really lost yourself in motherhood? Ask yourself that right now. Is it true that I've lost myself in motherhood? Follow up question. Did you even know who you were entering motherhood? Or were you attached to the idea of who everyone said you are your whole life? Even if you went right into motherhood, you never had the opportunity to experience a career and get out there and learn about yourself or whatever you tell yourself. Even if you never had all those things when you came into motherhood, maybe what motherhood did was really challenge everything that you've ever heard about yourself. Maybe it just didn't feel true anymore. Being a perfectionist, a drama queen, sassy, lazy, annoying, driven, motivated. Whatever it was, is the idea created by someone else. If you didn't intentionally decide who you are going into motherhood, right? If that was not an intentional decision of this is who I am. If you didn't have that going into motherhood, the then all you had coming into motherhood was the armor that other people threw at you, right? All of this disguise that we put on because someone else said that we're a perfectionist, drama queen, sassy, lazy, annoying, driven, motivated, angry, aggressive, right, dominant, whatever we were told. And that's not gonna feel very awesome going into motherhood. That doesn't feel authentic and genuine because it didn't come from you, it came from someone else. Sure, maybe who you believe you are. Like you instilled these deep rooted beliefs and you look for the evidence that proves that you are cold and harsh and unforgiving, but you're missing all the evidence that says that that's not true. So yeah, when you look at it that way and the idea that really someone else created for you and you attached to it, what if motherhood is your first real experience with yourself, just you, and you're getting glimpses of this more authentic version of you as your armor is getting cracked wide open and you're shedding layers and things are being peeled off of you. The first time you wake up feeling so devoted and attached to something bigger than yourself or the idea that other people labeled you as. I believe that's what motherhood is. It's our first time really waking up and seeing. Oh my gosh, it matters so much more to me that I am selfless and absolutely service oriented when it comes to my home and family than it does to follow the story that someone else wrote about me about how selfish I am and lazy and inconsistent. So yeah, that'll feel uncomfortable. It'll feel uncomfortable to be cracked open, to have the armor peeling off, to have new perspectives of yourself that you've never seen before, it's going to feel uncomfortable. It's not going to feel good to have that entire layer of armor stripped off of you. But who really thrives walking around with heavy armor anyway? Who's showing up as the most authentic version of themselves if it's not an identity they created? Think about that. If you try to show up as who everyone else is telling you that you are, and you're never truly showing up as that most genuine and authentic version of yourself. Are you thriving or are you hiding? I would consider that hiding. And even I asked you, is it true if you've really lost yourself, okay. And maybe your answer is yes. Tessa, I knew exactly who I was. Okay, if it is true that you really lost yourself, is that a bad thing? Is it a bad thing? Is it really losing yourself? Or are you intentionally choosing to let go of the version of you that just doesn't serve you in this phase of life. It doesn't serve you through this journey and this experience and what you're trying to do really accomplish here in this rare opportunity that you've been gifted. Maybe you are choosing intentionally to release and it's not lost. You get to let it go. Is it a bad thing? Is it a bad thing to release that? Is it a bad thing to let it go? Could you be simply releasing the parts of you that don't align with who you are meant to be, all while intentionally deciding, possibly for the first time in your entire life, who you are? The first time I intentionally decided who I am, like with the type of fierce attachment, fearlessness, total conviction, devotion to that version of me. I mean, I was a mom. That's the first time that I decided who I really am. In the first three years of my marriage, my husband and I didn't have kids. I was still battling this idea of who other people told me I was. I felt like I was starting to get better glimpses, really, of who I am. But it was this constant messaging in my head about how I'm a grudge holder, I'm unforgiving, I'm angry, I'm damaged, like all of these things and battling that in my head and didn't leave room for me to truly show up as the wife I want to be. I want to be compassionate. I want to be just selfless in my marriage and have the ability to do self reflection. Right? I want to. I want to truly embody that partnership and be the best possible wife that I can be because I deserve to be that kind of wife. Does my husband deserve it? Sure. But I want to be that wife for him. Not just because he deserves it, but because I deserve to be that version of me. That's what would feel the best, and I deserve to feel my best. So really, if you're deciding for the first time who you really are, it might feel a little uncomfortable. It might feel like, well, gosh, I don't know. I've always been this. No, you always believed you were that. But that belief came from somewhere and it certainly wasn't you because you weren't born thinking negatively about yourself. Those seeds were planted long ago. So maybe if you have lost yourself, it's not a bad thing. Maybe you're meant to be selfless. Maybe you're meant to be intentional, grateful, energetic and devoted. Maybe you're meant to lead your home. I don't know. That's the way I choose to see it though. And it's okay if you don't agree, but I do not believe that we lose ourselves in motherhood. I believe that we either didn't even know who we were coming into motherhood and motherhood just made it extremely obvious, or we are intentionally choosing to release parts of us that don't serve us. But the messaging has always been, I've lost myself instead of the empowering. I'm choosing to change. I'm choosing to release these things. I'm noticing now that everything that I used to believe to be true about me isn't. That's not who I am. Or I'm able to reflect on who I really was. This is me raising my hand here. I'm able to reflect on who I really was showing up as and view myself with extreme self compassion to see like, I truly did do the best I could and. And there's a reason why I did everything that I did. Is it awesome? All the things that I did? No. Should I have treated my own mom that way? No. I'm not saying that I've lived perfectly and done everything in a great way all the time. Absolutely not. But I also don't have to bully myself and feel ashamed of who I was through some of the most difficult times of my life when I didn't know truly how to be who I wanted to be, how to do better. I mean, I didn't even know that I could change. I didn't. I sincerely, sincerely believed that my husband made me ignore him. I sincerely believed with my whole freaking heart that my mom's ex husband made me mad, that my mom makes me yell at her. I mean, how the frick was I going to step into this truly higher version of me that I love being like today? How was I gonna go from where I was to who I am today? Believing that other people make me do things and make me feel things like anger and aggression and ignore them and yell at them? That wasn't gonna work. But I did do the best I could through that time. And I'm grateful for the people that have stuck by me through all of this. And it's extremely humbling to know, like, oh my gosh, the way I've treated my husband in the past, I never wanna go back to that place again. And I view him with just so much gratitude. Because it's not, it's not okay. The way that I would talk to him, the way that I would ignore him, the way that I would yell at him, like, it's, it's not okay. And I'm grateful that he stuck by me through that and that I was able to pull in on all of that. But again, it's not about attaching to who I was either. I can view who I was being with self compassion and. And intentionally choose to release those parts of me. That's what got me started on this entire journey. This entire journey that turned into me. Coaching did not start with, oh my gosh, I totally want to help other people overcome their anger. I'm just going to be super honest and let you know that I had no idea how to overcome my anger. I was trying to figure out how to freaking forgive people. Like, seriously, seriously. I did not know. And my intention was certainly not to talk openly about my story or my issue issues at the time. Like, no, I didn't want other people to know. That felt so shaming. I was shaming myself all freaking ready. I didn't need other people doing it too. And the only reason why I can share now is because I've done it. I've walked the road. I've done the work. I continue to do the work. I call myself out on my crap. I know when I'm not in alignment with who I want to be. And I push myself every single day to be her. Cause I know she's in me. She is me. It's just a matter if I choose to be here or not. If I choose to shut down and ignore my husband or feel soft and vulnerable and open up to him when I feel hurt. That's a choice. It's a choice I get to make. I don't have to yell back at people. I don't have to respond with aggression. No one makes me mad. I choose to respond with anger. And I don't have to do that. But these are all things that I had to learn. And maybe I just wanted to share that bit about my story briefly so that you could see, like, even if you have these tendencies and habits that just don't align with you and you feel like you're constantly working against yourself, honestly, like with your actions and your identity and your mindset are completely out of alignment. I know that feeling. I do. And it is okay for you to observe what you're doing, understand why you've always done it that way, and still accept that's not the way I need to do it anymore. There's a reason why I did it. There's a reason why I developed that tendency of ignoring people. But that's not what I want to do anymore. And motherhood. When I got pregnant with my first son, motherhood is what pushed me into that. It just. It felt like there's no choice. There's no choice. You don't get to do this anymore. Because you have to choose right now, Tessa. You have to choose your anger or the mom you want to be, because you can't be both. You can't. You can't hold both. You can't be the mom that you want to be and hang on to this anger any longer. You've got to figure it out. That was, like, the talk I had with myself when I found out I was pregnant with May 1. And there was just nothing. Nothing compared to that. And meeting my son for the first time and understanding, like, he loves me exactly as I am in this moment. He knows nothing about me, and he fully trusts me. How beautiful is that? That's motherhood. That is motherhood. You are given the most beautiful, innocent, loving beings possible, and they just fully embrace you the moment that they meet you. Like, they already know you, and they don't even know anything about your story or how they got here or what your first thoughts were when you found out you were pregnant. They don't know any of that. And I know I'm kind of going off on the side right now, but it feels really purposeful, and I'm just gonna keep going. But they don't know any of that. And they fully trust you. They don't know your full story, and they love you unconditionally. They may not know it yet, but you know they already know that they're gonna forgive you when you mess up, because we're all going to. And when you condition your mindset in this way about motherhood, about yourself, about your marriage, about all of this, your identity, when you condition your mindset in this way, it is just so much easier to live with positivity and gratitude. And I promise you that it's never gonna turn toxic. That's not how it's gonna turn toxic, my friend. And that's a whole nother episode for another day. Not today. But I just want you to know that I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for motherhood showing me who I am not. I am not the things I was told my whole life. I am not unforgiving I am not a grudge holder. I am not lazy, inconsistent or ditzy. That is not true about me. Is it something I believed? Absolutely. I totally believed I was unforgiving, a grudge holder, inconsistent, lazy and ditzy. I just believed that to be true about myself. But looking at how much I've overcome in my life, how much I've created for my life, the things I've allowed myself to pursue in life, there's absolutely no way that I am those things. There's no way I can do the things that I do every day and be all of that. It just doesn't make sense. And I want you to have that opportunity too. Even if it means that first motherhood shows you who you're not. That's what motherhood showed me first, who I'm not. I'm not angry. I had a lot of hurt to heal and that's valid and I did it. And you know what? There's still hurt that I find along the way. We're never done on our journey. We're never completely who we want to be. We're always going to be growing into who we want to be. We're always going to continue showing up and trying every single day. It never ends. And you don't want it to. You want to have that purpose, to show up every single day striving to be exactly who you want to be. But I believe motherhood can and will transform you in the best way. If you surrender and allow it to. If you surrender and allow it to, if you finally look at your hurt instead of hiding from it, if you finally change your mindset where maybe you are nurturing a victim mentality and negativity. I know I was doing that. If you change your mindset about it to see just how much fulfillment and accomplishment that you feel when you do lead with service in a selfless way, and how much trust your kids have instilled in this relationship when I mean goodness. They've only known you for how long? Do they know everything about you? No, but they trust you fully. But how much work are you putting in to deciding who you are? Instead of wondering when you'll find yourself, you're not going to find yourself. You're going to redesign yourself. You're going to create yourself. You're right here, right now. You believe you are someone. And what if you changed who you believe you are? Instead of believing that you're inconsistent, overwhelmed, exhausted. Instead of believing that you're lazy, drowning, stressed, anxious, resentful. Instead of believing that you're unmotivated, lacking discipline. Instead of all of that. What if you understood why you felt those ways in the past, why you did those things in the past? What if you looked at yourself with compassion and said, you know, I've always done the best I could and I became who I needed to be through different seasons of my life, and now I can clearly see what parts no longer align? What if you did that? And would you magically find yourself, or would you intentionally redesign yourself? I'm telling you, the answer right now is you would intentionally redesign yourself. You're not finding yourself. You're creating yourself. You're not losing yourself in motherhood. Motherhood's just showing you either who you are that doesn't. That no longer aligns with who you want to be, or it's cracking open all of that armor that's been thrown at you your entire life of stories that other people perceived you to be and projected you to be that you attach to. Either way, either way, you get to decide what's next? Who are you growing into? How are you redesigning yourself? What I am statements are you changing? What intentionality are you putting behind every single decision you make and thought that you attach to? What are you going to do? Well, I hope you decide who you are. I hope that you no longer say that you've lost yourself in motherhood and you choose to instead view it as, I've released what no longer serves me because of motherhood. I've become exactly who I want to be, and I strive to be here every single day because of motherhood. I've released this idea that I am things that I'm not because of motherhood. We do not lose ourselves. We don't. You can let her go, or you didn't know who you were. Either way, you get to decide who you are now. And I hope so deeply that I get to be a part of that journey in some way. If it's on my podcast, through some Instagram reels, inspiring you, some emails, my coaching programs, whatever it is, alignment, journaling, whatever it is, I hope in some way that I get to be a part of this with you. Because I never in a million years imagined that, that all of my crap that I had to confront and heal through and the way that I had to transform myself in order to finally be who I wanted to be and understand that. She's been inside me this whole time. It's literally just been the beliefs about myself that limited me from getting there. It was never about what other people said when I was finally able to do that. That's when all of this opened up. The only reason for that is because I was able to see I'm not alone. I'm not the only one that struggled to love themselves. I'm not the only one that didn't like who they were. Oh my gosh. I'm not the only one that struggles with this anger and doesn't know how to forgive people. That's how all this started. This is good. This was a good talk. But anyway, I do hope that I get to be a part of your journey in some way. And if you're listening to this, this podcast episode, then I believe that I'm already a part of it in a meaningful way that you get to decide. But that's it for now. Again, I don't know exactly what's next because birth is a coming but if you're interested in receiving those exclusive emails about journaling Every topic every. Sorry. Every month we're going to have a new topic. So the month of July is birth. So we're talking about labor contractions, all the things with birth, how to best prepare your mindset for the things outside of your control because you don't control birth or your body and what may or may not happen. But anyway, you can build a mindset that supports you no matter the circumstances. So if you want to be a part of those exclusive emails for July, all you need is the Alignment Journaling course and to make sure that you are on my email list and that's it. And I'll send them out to you. August is going to be specifically about postpartum and healing, because that's where I'll be. And I figured I'm definitely not alone in that area, so why not make it a topic? And yeah, we have lots of really awesome topics coming every single month to focus on improving and enriching your journaling experience using the Alignment Journaling method. So as long as you have my course, the Alignment Journaling course, I'll link it below. As long as you have that course and you're on my email list, then you will be receiving those exclusive emails and and I hope that they serve you a hundred times over and building a mindset that supports you. But thanks for listening in on this whole perspective shift with losing yourself, creating yourself, finding yourself, all of the good things. Um, I adore you dearly. I think you're wonderful and I'm so grateful that you're here. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast. Don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in. So beautiful and to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.