26. Mindset with Hard Moments and BIG Negativity!

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Welcome, welcome, my sweet, sweet friend. And I truly feel so grateful to be able to do this episode with you, because I'm speaking from my personal experience of how I helped myself through really difficult circumstances, even if those circumstances are outside of me or just within me, like my own negative thoughts and story that I got caught up in. And I'm sitting on my floor recording this podcast episode early in the morning, because this is exactly what happened to me last night. So I want to tell you a little bit about that and just share how I helped myself through it, because it felt really hard last night. And I've been through this, I mean, more times than I can even count. Like, when you just feel like it's really difficult to breathe and you're listening to these terrible thoughts in your head about yourself and what you're doing and how you should be able to do more, and it's all too much for you, and. And you're listening to these thoughts in your head, and you just don't even know what to do with them. And I have experienced something similar with my past two pregnancies, too. Now, I don't control my hormones. I don't control what my body's doing and why it's doing it. Like, I don't control any of that, but I do get to control how I helped myself through it. So even though this is something that I've experienced with my past two pregnancies, when I got right to the end, I will be 39 weeks in just a couple days. So seriously, we're like, right at the end, and I know that that plays a part in this, but there is a way that I can help myself. There are things that I can do. And even if in within your circumstances, right now you're finding that you are battling the hormones of pregnancy, like first trimester, second trimester, third trimester, I feel like they are always adjusting and whatever. So if you are in a similar boat to me and you feel like, okay, this is a little bit hormonally driven, or the circumstances just feel really difficult, maybe you're going through something really hard or you're living in an environment with people that are Toxic for you, Right. Or your work environment has turned into a place like that. I want you to be able to help yourself because we don't control our circumstances. I mean, the decisions that we make affect our circumstances and we can influence our circumstances, but ultimately you are not going to control the people around you. You're not going to control your hormones. Can you influence them? Yeah, we can. We can influence people too. Right? But we do not control them. So before I talk all about how I personally help myself through those negative stories in my head or difficult circumstances that we might be up against and really how mindset plays into all of this, let's talk about what happened last night. Nothing really happened last night. It just, it just feels like my mind was in this negative place for really no reason. Like no circumstance outside of me. It's just my mind went to this place of how I'm not doing enough, I'm not being consistent enough. I haven't been posting enough content. Oh my gosh, I didn't post a podcast this week. How am I going to maintain this during like postpartum and having another baby? And my work means so much to me and I'm just letting it all go and I'm not even trying. And like all of these ridiculous stories and they were just like running through my head and I was believing them. Like I was really believing. Well, I haven't been posting enough content. I only posted two reels this week. And I haven't been doing enough emails or podcasts. Like that is true. I didn't post a podcast this week. That is true. I haven't been as intentional with emails as I should be. Like it was. It felt difficult to catch those negative thoughts in the moment because they felt true. They felt true because the evidence I was looking at supported those thoughts. And it's really. That's just an important part that I want to throw in here about the way I was feeling and what I was going through. And the thoughts running through my mind is sometimes your negative thoughts are pulling on 2% of factual information and then they're creating a 98 made up story about how you're inconsistent. You never do what you say you're gonna do. This isn't something that you can handle. You'll never be able to recover. It's all downhill from here. Like you're self sabotaging and letting all of your success go or, or whatever it is. Like I'm talking in reference to what I was going through last night. And again, like I've experienced something like this towards the end of all of my pregnancies. But there's just no reason why I can't challenge and change those thoughts. I can look for new evidence. I can put new stories in my mind that are more true. Like, yes, I only posted two reels this week, for example. But that's not a bad thing. I did that because I am authentic. Like, I can look at who I really am and the positive parts about me. And I didn't only post two reels because I'm inconsistent and I don't care. I posted two reels because I am so present in my daily life right now that I'm not recording as much content. It's not my front of mind to say, like, oh, I need to post this, this, this. Like, it's my friend of mine to say, man, I'm just sitting here playing cards with my kids, like, waiting for the arrival of our third baby. And that feels so special. Like, that's a good thing about me. That's a really good thing. Right? But it's easy to just look at the evidence that supports the negative story that we're telling ourselves rather than looking at the bigger picture of, again, why we do what we do. Not just, I only posted two reels this week because I'm inconsistent. I don't care. Well, that's not true. You only posted two reels this week. Why is that? Oh, wow. You've been so present and intentional in your home. You've been preparing for your baby to come. You are authentic and genuine and you. Like, I care. I'm talking personal reference here. I care about putting out content that isn't just forced. Like, it's not forced. Like, oh, I have to post something today, so let me just get this done. Like, no, I want it to be meaningful and purposeful and something that I feel strongly will serve other people. And if that means two reels, if it means six reels, whatever that looks like. But anyway, last night, I. I found myself trapped in those negative stories. And not because there wasn't a way out, but because I wasn't giving myself a way out. I was just letting them go. I was trying to avoid them. I was honestly trying to numb them. I got my kids to sleep. I made myself a bowl of ice cream with homemade whipped cream that I made, and I was really looking forward to it. And I turned on a movie knowing full, full well in my head, like, how I was actually feeling, and I avoided it. I was like, no, not doing that. So even though you can know like what numbing is. And when you're doing it, it doesn't mean you're never gonna do it. Like, it just means that you're a bit more empowered to catch yourself doing it, to maybe decide to do something more, like, productive for you and where you're at at that time. But, I mean, I decided to numb last night. I watched a movie for an hour, and then it was nine o' clock and I was like, you know, I think I'm just gonna go to sleep. Like, maybe all this. Maybe I just feel this way. It's difficult to breathe. I'm feeling down. I feel uninspired. I just love about myself. Maybe I'm just feeling this way because I'm tired. No, Tessa, I don't think that's. I don't think feeling tired was the reason why you were feeling so low about yourself. But. Okay, let's tell that story. So anyway, I tell Marcus, like, I'm just. I'm having a really hard time. And then, you know, that opens up the whole conversation where he's like, well, what's going on? And at that point, I just start crying because my mind was so clearly going to the places that needed to be addressed, but felt really hurtful. And that's valid. And. And I tell him everything that I pretty much just told you guys. Like, I'm not posting enough. I'm not serving enough. My content sucks. Like, it only got this much engagement and I don't know what I'm doing. Just not true. I mean, it had some basis to it, sure, but it's not true about me. But what helped me tremendously was having my husband, who's totally, like, my safe person. These are not things that I would, like, call and say to someone about, like, how I'm feeling or what I'm going through. Like, I wouldn't post that on social media before I had processed through it myself. Like, you have to know who is, like, that person in your life that you can dump all the negativity to for 30 minutes straight, and they can hold space for you and they can be like an empathetic witness and observe you without judgment and help you without attaching who you are to what you're saying in that moment. Because sometimes we just need to talk. We just need to get it out and then be able to reflect on it and say, like, oh, wow, this makes a lot of sense why I'm feeling the way I feel now. And these things are true and these things are not. And that's who my husband Is for me, it's my husband and my sister. Like, those are the two people that I feel confident I can call and brain dump to and then take a step back and say, well, actually, these things are true, these things are not. Okay. It's clear now that this is an unrealistic expectation that I have of myself. And I can better manage that expectation by setting these boundaries with myself. And this is a big trigger for me. So this is what I'm going to do about that. Like, we are better able to see our solutions when we're able to communicate honestly about what we think and what we're going through. But we also have to hold ourselves accountable to not attach to everything that we're saying and defend it. I want you to know, like, if you're ever going through that really difficult circumstance or like me, you're battling this, like, crappy story you're telling yourself about yourself and looking at the wrong evidence, I want you to know that you have to be the one holding yourself accountable to say that's not true. Because if my husband were to tell me, well, that's not true. You are doing a great job. If I don't have that going on in my head, I'm going to get defensive towards him. I don't want to get defensive towards my husband. I want to solve this problem, not drive a wedge somewhere freaking else. Right? So I have to hold myself accountable to be the person that talks me back up and that observes my thoughts without judgment. Right? Observes what I've been doing without judgment and able to be compassionate towards myself that says, I can see why I've done that. I can see how I got here. I can see why I did take this step back. And yes, I do feel ready for a break. Like, I have to be the one that does that. Because if you're just trying to seek that out from your spouse, your siblings, your best friend, it's going to feel like an uphill battle for them because you're simply not allowing yourself. You're not giving yourself permission to truly hear what they have to say and to look for that evidence. Right? Because we're still in this negative headspace that's trying to prove everything good they're saying about us wrong. And I mean, how long is that going to last? How far is that going to get us? Not very far. And it's not going to serve our relationships. So we still have to hold ourselves accountable to be willing to look at what's true and what's not with our own thoughts. So My husband knows that when I get in a place like that, it's best to just listen, let me get it all out. And then once I start shifting, it is a great time for him to merge in and. And shift it with me too. Like, to show me maybe something that I didn't see with, like, the positive evidence of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it and who I really am and something he's noticed about me that I haven't mentioned yet. Like, whatever it is, that's when it gets really, really productive. So if you're ever going through that hard circumstance or battling the negative story in your head, it's okay to dump it all out, but you have to hold yourself to this higher standard of reflecting on what you just dumped and evaluating it, observing it without judgment, not attaching to all these negative stories about yourself and saying that they define you because they don't. Thoughts are not facts. They're not facts. It's one simple perspective. And that negative thought is using 2% of factual information and then a freaking 98% story made up. That sounds convenient to belittle yourself, really, like, so anyway, that. That first step. Step of. Of being able to understand, like, my thoughts aren't facts. It's okay. It's safe for me to just say what it is that I'm thinking so that I can evaluate it. And I'm really grateful that I have someone here, an empathetic witness to listen to me that I can feel connected with. Because we're social beings. It's. It's nice to connect with someone else. We're energetic, so keep that part in mind. But anyway, I. I just wanted you to know, like, I go through hard moments. I believe sometimes those really awful stories in my head about myself and I have negative thoughts. Like, mindset is not about things being perfect. Mindset's not about always feeling happy. Right. Mindset is about knowing that even when things are imperfect and you feel unhappy, there is a way that you can help yourself. There's always something you can do that you can always count on you to show up, be who you want to be. Like, that's mindset. Mindset is. You don't need it to be perfect. You don't need it to be easy. You don't need to get everything you want because you're given everything you need. That's mindset. It's not controlling circumstances and stressing yourself out and creating all this anxiety because all you're focusing on is everything outside of your control. Instead of empowering yourself with what you can do, you only get to control what you think, say, and do. And I know for me, personally, last night when I was, like, in these negative narratives in my head and honestly just feeling a tremendous amount of pressure because of the expectations I've set on myself, and there are conversations that my husband and I need to have right now when it comes to my business and our insurance and all of these things, and. And I haven't done a very awesome job at helping myself through that, and that's for me to look at. But also, when I say, like, setting boundaries with myself, I have to first get the thoughts out to be able to understand. Like, oh, my gosh. The only reason why I believe that is because I've been looking at insights. Insights on social media, insights on whatever, like, emails, podcasts, whatever. Like, that's a tool, sure. But it's not serving me the way that I'm using it right now. So I need to set a better boundary with myself so that I'm not putting myself in this situation to attach my worth to these numbers, because that's not true, and it's not fair. Right? But until I. Until I get those thoughts out, I may not even know what's really happening. Okay. But the thing that I really want you to keep in mind as I share, like, how I went through my hard. My hard moment, and it felt really, really difficult. And that's okay. It's okay that I had a hard moment. It's okay that I had this mental breakdown where it all came crashing down and it was difficult to breathe, and I dumped it all on my husband for 30 minutes. Like, it's okay. It's okay that I did that because I did the best I could. It's okay that I did that because I trust it's what I did, what I needed to do. Was it the most graceful and, I don't know, maybe even peaceful way to do it? No, it was messy. It was ugly. It was crying and telling my husband, I don't want to hug right now because I don't feel like I can breathe. I just need to lean against this wall. Like, that's okay. That's okay. And if you have a mindset that says it's not okay, it's not okay to cry. It's not okay to have difficult moments. I don't really have a positive mindset. If I have a negative thought. I don't really. I'm not in my healing journey the way that I should be. If I still think this way about myself. Like, those are not true. Those thoughts are not true, but they're really hurtful. And how. How far are we going to get? How well are we going to do when we constantly think hurtful things about ourselves? Not very far. We're not going to do very much. Right. We're. We're minimizing ourselves. We're pushing ourselves down and beating ourselves up. And I know that when I'm having a hard moment like last night, the last thing I need is to kick myself when I'm down. But that's what that bully in your mind does. She kicks you when you're down. She knows exactly what to say to hurt the most, and she'll do it, which is unfortunate, sure. But when you build up that ability to be your own best friend and meet your own needs, you're not concerned about, oh, my gosh, well, what are other people going to think if I cry? What are other people going to think if I have a negative thought if I say something about myself that, you know, I've been saying that I've been working really hard on my mindset? What are they going to think if I come up to them and say, wow, I'm feeling really low as a mom right now? It doesn't freaking matter what other people think. It matters what you think about you. And again, your ability to not attach to negative thoughts, but to just observe them and ask yourself, where is this coming from? Why am I thinking this about myself? Oh, that's where that's coming from. Okay, well, how much of that story is true? Why did I do what I did? Creating that understanding by leading with compassion, forgiving yourself when it. When and how it's necessary for you to do so so that you can be better and in better alignment with who you want to be. So that first part, you know, not attaching to all of your negative thoughts, but being willing to observe them without judgment, lead with compassion in your own life and mind helps so much. But I hear all the time, like, not everyone can just change their mindset. And personally, I'm gonna share. I'm gonna share this with you, and I believe it with my whole heart. Number one, I don't know the facts about if everyone truly can change their mindset or not, because I. I don't know that. But what I do know is I will never be the person walking down the street that says, I. Oh, you've been diagnosed with depression. Oh, that sucks. You can never think positively about yourself. You'll never be able to change Your perspective about your circumstances. You'll never be able to pull yourself out of this with some positive thoughts or help yourself feel better or create a new direction in your life with new belief in yourself. I will never be the person that does that. And I'm never going to believe that even just thinking that about someone. Whatever reason it is that we say, oh, not everyone can change their mindset because some people xyz, I don't know. I really don't think it's fair. I don't think it's fair to limit anyone by saying, like, you don't get to change your perspective because you have XYZ or you've been diagnosed with abc. Like, whatever it is, like, I never want to be the person that does that. So I will always be the person that says, everyone can change their mindset because I believe in everyone. I want everyone to be able to say, I am a good person. I am doing the best I can. Maybe their whole life they've always said, like, I'm not doing enough, I'm not doing enough, I'm not doing enough, I'm not good enough. I'll never be enough. Like, whatever it is, I want that person to start being able to believe that they are doing the best they can. Even if it takes time and effort and evidence to help them see this new perspective. I like to believe that people can do that. So I always hear, like, not everyone can change their mindset. But, you know, I, I don't think I'm ever going to be the person that believes that. I don't want to be the person that believes that because I love people. I love people way too much to think that this is something we can't do. Everybody, everybody, we all deserve to love ourselves. We all deserve to believe in our abilities and to increase our self worth and to have new perspectives that actually serve us. We deserve that. So I also want to back that up with my other very strong belief that mindset always comes first. It's not the only step to take, but it always comes first because thoughts always come first. So what I mean by that is, let's say there are resources available to you that you'd like to seek out. Let's talk about therapy. Okay? And let's say therapy is available to you. You're going through a very difficult circumstance or you're battling a lot of negative thoughts in your head. You will not go to therapy. I mean, you, you seriously won't, you will not get yourself in therapy if you don't believe that. It will help you. Well, where does the belief come from that therapy would help us? Thoughts. Thoughts. You have to first believe that therapy will help you before you'll find yourself in therapy. And even if someone tried to force you to go to therapy, let's say, like you didn't have much of a choice, like whatever it was, the therapy sessions will not be very effective. If you aren't willing to open up about the thoughts that you're having now, why would you open up about the thoughts that you're having? Because. Because you have a belief that it will help you. And where do those beliefs come from? Our thoughts. And that's, that's my point is even when there are other resources that, and steps that we need to be taking. Going to the doctor. Going to the doctor. Therapy, reading books, setting screen limits with yourself, taking a medication, reaching out to a friend, talking like. Like me last night, having that 30 minute brain dump session to get it all sorted out. We will not do those things if we don't first think that it will be beneficial if we don't first think it's something we can do. So as much as people want to fight me on the whole mindset thing, fine. You know, I mean, I'm seriously just sharing what's helped me in my own life. That's it. So if someone feels so strongly. No, that doesn't work for everybody. Or not everybody can change their mindset or mindset doesn't come before therapy or medication, whatever. Okay, if that's what you want to believe. I don't. That's your mindset. Everything is a mindset. If you think it will work. If you don't think it will work. If you think you can or if you think you can't. Those are mindsets. If you believe in other people or if you don't, those are mindsets. Mindsets. And I just think it's really important for us to remember that thoughts are not facts. But thoughts do come first. And I believe in you. I believe in your ability to start having better self talk, to give yourself what you need and to better meet your needs and even understand what your needs are. Because you are evaluating your thoughts without attaching to all of them. Just like I had to do last night. All right, Tess, you got to get all these thoughts out. We're not going to attach to all of them because some of them might feel really hurtful and will be very untrue. But if they're there, let's get them out. Let's. Let's just finally Shine the freaking light on this corner over here that we weren't paying attention to and let's get it all sorted out so that we don't have to feel this way anymore. And you know, this morning I woke up and I journaled right away, just like I always do. I always journal every morning right when I wake up, regardless if my kids are up or not. I don't care. That's how I start my day. But I went to my journal and because I had dumped all that out to my husband last night, and I was able to better see, like, what's true and what's not, where is my mind getting stuck in a story? And how can I flip that story? I was able to use alignment journaling and address every single thing that I mentioned last night in a way that actually empowers me to start overcoming it. Better plans with social media content, how it is that I keep my boundaries that I set with myself when checking insights or the absence of checking insights. Like, I was able to journal through how empowered I am, how capable I am, how proud of myself that I am for making these changes. And that's what I want you to use alignment journaling for. I want you to use alignment journaling not because your life is perfect and you have this wonderful mindset and you just need to condition it a bit more. Alignment journaling is seriously golden. Golden. It doesn't matter if you are familiar with journaling or not. If you tell me that you're an avid journaler or if you hate journaling. Alignment journaling just gives you the ability to slow down your thoughts and start telling yourself a different story. One line, one paragraph, one page is extremely powerful and effective because you are forcing your mind to come up with something different. And the guidelines in the course teach you what it is and how to do it. Instead of just thinking like, oh, if I just dump all these negative thoughts on paper, then that will be better. No, I think that reaffirms negativity when you're just writing out all of the crappy things. When you're writing out how difficult your day was and it's so unfair that the kids did XYZ and you're so disappointed in yourself and this work environment sucks and you'll never get out of this. Like, how the frick is that supposed to help us feel better if. If that's our focus? Like, yes, we can say these things. Sure, you could even write these things. But if you're never challenging your mind to find the other perspective to empower Yourself, to really know who you are, to create new game plans. How is that supposed to be effective? I really don't think it is, personally, but, you know, that's just me. So anyway, no matter the circumstances that you're going through, the environment you find yourself in, what other people have said to you, done to you, or how far away you feel you are from being who you want to be, I promise you that you can love yourself. I promise you that you really can start working on your mindset. It may not be easy, it may not feel easy, but you don't need it to be easy. It can be hard and good, and I want that for you. I truly believe that. We all deserve that. Especially if we have those hard circumstances and we find ourselves in. In toxic environments and relationships. How are you going to get out of that environment if you don't think you can? How are you going to end that relationship if you don't think you can? If you don't think you're worth it? If you don't think that you deserve better and can find better? How are you going to do that? How are you going to change your behaviors as a wife, as a mother, as a woman if you don't think you can? Thoughts come first. And our beliefs about ourselves really matter. And just because you have a negative thought doesn't make it true. It honestly doesn't even say anything about you. Negativity is a part of natural, healthy mental wellness. So you don't even have to fear that part. You just have to know what to do with it. When the negative thoughts come, and I promise you they will, what do you do? I laugh at my negative thoughts a lot of the time. Obviously I wasn't laughing last night because I believed a lot of those, but sometimes my negative thoughts come and I'm like, that's so silly. Like, that's just freaking ridiculous anyway. Like, it's. I just believe in you so much. I'm sitting on my closet floor. My eyes still feel, like puffy from crying all night. I mean, not all night, but for that 30 minutes. It was intense. My eyes feel puffy from that. But the reason why I'm sitting here recording this episode today is because of my negative self talk last night. I'm sitting here recording this to prove to myself I am selfless and I am devoted and I am intentional and I am capable and I am proud of myself and I can do the things that I say I'm going to do. Watch me. That's. That's where my mind is at right now where I feel really proud of myself because I was saying how and I don't know anything to record for my podcast. Oh, well, would you freaking look at this. We're 30 minutes in. Like, you can do this. You can. And if you use alignment journaling, great. I wanted to create a resource available to you to start working on your mindset. Even though, like, I'm about to have a baby and I'm not doing coaching again until the new year, and I fully believe in my 12 week course to work on like the deeper roots of healing. This is something you can do right now to start aligning your mindset with who you want to be, not just replaying stories and getting into thought patterns of who you've always been. Remember, identity plus mindset equals action. So who we believe we are is going to steer our mindset and lead our actions. And I want you to feel proud of the steering and leadership happening in your identity and mindset. So, my friends, if you're in difficult circumstances, if you're battling the negative stories, let yourself look at those negative thoughts, observe them without judgment, don't feel the need to attach to them. But. But be compassionate towards yourself. And if you can have someone in your life that is a good empathetic witness like my husband and my sister are for me, lean into those people and let them know, you know, I just need 30 minutes to get this all out. And then I want some help sorting through it so I can better see what's true and what's not and come up with a game plan for myself because I don't deserve this. Tell your friend that. Tell your friend that. And then journal, journal every day to align your mindset with who you want to be. You've got it. You have to put effort into your mindset. And it takes conditioning, it takes time. And I'm not saying it's always easy, but it's always worth it. It's always worth it to think greater about yourself, to believe that you can have what you want, that you can build the relationship and the circumstances that you want to experience in life. I think that's really important. So I'm really grateful that I had such a difficult time last night because it showed me so many areas that I needed to personally pull in on. Better game plans I can make for myself, boundaries to set in place so that I don't find myself with these ridiculous expectations and poor habits that I don't want. And it helps me make this episode for you, which of course I hope is serving you tremendously. So even in your hardest of moments when things feel really, really difficult, don't think that it's there without purpose. You can find purpose in everything that you go through. Help yourself see it and it will empower you to continue growing into who you want to be because you know you deserve it. So sweet friends, I'm almost 39 weeks. I don't know when this baby's coming, but given that I've had some sort of mental difficulty breakdown at the end of all of my pregnancies, I think it's coming soon. So I love you dearly. I hope this served you and I will talk to you real soon. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.