29. When someone else has a negative mindset!

Hello, my wonderful friends. There is no intro outro music today because that was just not happening. And I would rather have this episode posted for you than stress about it being perfect. But if you're new to the podcast, just know that the Mind Body Alignment podcast is about helping you understand who you really are, how to become who you want to be, with a mindset that finally supports you. That's always my goal here, just to pour into you, better teach you things that I've learned myself. So everything that I share with you is something that I have had to learn in maybe an easy way, but most often a difficult way myself. And I just. I love sharing that with you, too. I do have my baby on my lap today. So, again, if you're new here, if you missed it, I had baby Drew, and he's three weeks old, so you might hear some little grunts in the back, and I think those are super sweet, so we're gonna keep them. But, yeah, today's episode, we are really talking about how to better navigate your mindset and what you're thinking in the way that you're feeling, really, when you're around other people that are clearly struggling with their own mindset, more so having a negative one. And it's funny, on Instagram, I did a poll like, hey, what do you guys want this week's episode to be? And that one won by, like, four times over everything else. And I was like, okay, obviously, we might have some people in our lives that have a negative mindset, and we all want more tools and skills to better show up around them and understand that we are not the victims of someone else's thoughts. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to say that again. Yeah, you and I are not victims of someone else's thoughts. Okay. And that's really empowering. But I totally understand that the people in our lives have influence over us, but they don't have control. And that's what's really important to differentiate, right? There is. Yes, there's influence, and we're energetic beings, so we can feel other people's energies. And what I mean by that is if you walk into a room, you can feel if something, like, feels off or if it feels really vibrant and loving and it's a great space to be in. Or if you're like, yeah, I don't actually think human beings are supposed to be in this room. I'm going to leave now. Like, you can feel that just walking into the room. You can feel it. The difference between walking into a classroom and walking into I don't know, like a gratitude circle. It would feel very different. And those are energies and emotions are energy and motion. So what you're really feeling is the overall like emotional message or frequency of that room or space that you're going into. So when you are around another person and they're battling their own negative mindset and they're telling you their negative thoughts, and maybe it's someone that you're around every single day, a spouse, a co worker, maybe your in laws or a sibling, friends, whoever it is, you're going to feel that. But you not being the victim means that you have a choice. Okay? You still get to control what you think, what you say and what you do. It's not always easy. It doesn't have to be easy, right? It's okay if it feels hard. It's not always going to feel easy to say the things that you need to say to better protect you and respect them. It's not always going to be easy to make the decisions that need to be made so that you can feel the way you want to feel and have the life that you want to have. And that doesn't just come down to like, when we're around people that are demonstrating a negative mindset. It's in general, when we aren't happy at our jobs, we have to make the difficult decision to go do something else, to believe in ourselves, right? To have those thoughts that say I can do something that I love and I'm excited to find what I love because I'm not stuck here and this job is serving a purpose right now and I'm excited to find something that I feel more purposeful and fulfilling, fulfilled in. Right? All of that self talk is going to steer creativity or you're going to feel very stuck in your position. And it all comes down to mindset. Thoughts always come first before you make a decision, before you really have those feelings. Like thoughts are behind it all. They're so rapid. And I'm not saying that you're going to control all of your thoughts because you're certainly not going to. But I'm hoping that, especially in this episode, what I can share with you that's honestly helped me tremendously because I hope you guys can imagine that in my job, literally it's my job to help people that have a negative mindset. That's my job and I still have a positive mindset. So if I can do it, you can do it. I've shared about my family relationships, right? Like lots, lots of negative mindsets, interactions Decisions to navigate there. And I still have a positive mindset myself. I still feel empowered to make decisions that I know I need for me. And I want that for you too. So let's begin. I did, I asked a question on Instagram. This is where I'm getting all of my information from you guys over there. So it was said that I gotta put this down. We gotta rearrange just a tiny bit. Hello, baby. Drew. He's up now. Anyway, it was said that the common people you're around that you find having a negative mindset are your spouse, your mother in law and your mom. Friends were the, the top three that I noticed. So I'm like, okay, that makes sense. And typically like our spouse is someone that we're around probably the most and then it's the mom, friends or in laws, whatever. So you have these people in your life that you're noticing have a negative mindset. And I'm going to pull up my Instagram so we can read some of the things that you mentioned that trigger you about this person's negative mindset, like the things that they say. So some examples are, I'm so tired all the time. Whenever I ask them to do something. Well, that's life. The next one was, oh, that's so typical. Why bother? Of course this happens to me. We can never get ahead when people blame others for things not going her way. Let's keep reading. Just scrolling here, guys. I just want us to be on the same page. So when our friends or family say this is awful, today is going to be awful. Nothing ever goes right. Sml. Fill in the blank. Well, you should do this. That's how you've always been constantly complaining. So those are the things that we find our spouse, mother in law or friends saying that we feel very triggered by. But remember what I said at the beginning of this episode, Me and you, you and I are not victims of someone else's thoughts. That's not, that's not the way it works. Now other people sharing their thoughts with us, sharing their energy around us are going to have influence on us, but we ultimately decide what that influence means to us. What does it mean about us? How are we taking it in? And one of my favorite things that I'd love to share with you, it's a, it's a big part that I coach through as well in my 12 week coaching program, mind body alignment. But that's to observe without judgment. So if you ever find yourself around someone that is clearly struggling with their own negative mindset, negative thoughts, and they're just dumping it all onto you. Learn to take a step back, and instead of attaching yourself to everything that this person is saying, learn to observe them. Really observe them. Do they seem like the person that is who they want to be? Would you say that they feel empowered in their life? Would you say that they understand that they're in control of their thoughts about the circumstances? Or do you think maybe they're trying to control the circumstances themselves? Now that you are in this position and you are strengthening your mindset, you're trying to show up better, you want to be who you want to be without fear of judgment or failure, and you want this mindset that supports you. You're freaking doing so great, and you're catching yourself, and you're holding yourself accountable. It becomes a little bit more obvious when you're around someone that's not doing that work. But that's also a good thing. It is a good thing because then you can observe this person and you can be gently reminded why it is so important for you to continue doing this hard work that we do. Right? Holding ourselves accountable, taking total ownership, deciding who we are and that we're the only people that freaking get to keep us in this position or change something, right? To being who we want to be. So I want you to learn to observe without judgment. If your spouse comes home from work and he says, oh, today was just the worst day, as always, I hate my job. Nothing ever goes right. And of course, this happened to observe him. Don't attach. Don't attach and say, oh, my God, of course you're coming home this way and disrupting the whole day. And things were fine before you walked in the door. And we can never just have a good conversation. Don't let your mind go there. That's taking the influence that's near you and applying it in the wrong direction. That direction doesn't serve you. It doesn't serve your marriage. It doesn't teach someone else how they can view something differently. Not saying that's always a good idea to share a different perspective, but you are no longer the one feeling empowered, right? When we're just reacting. That's what we're doing. We're reacting to someone else's influence, and we're attaching to it. We act like, oh, now I have to think this way, too. No, you don't. Observe him. Wow. Clearly he's had a rough day today. Okay, I don't control that part. But what can I do now? How can you gently communicate what's your identity as the wife? Is your identity as the wife reactive? Or can your identity as the wife be responsive and adaptive and gentle, compassionate, kind, caring, interested, engaged? I mean, like, what do you want your identity as a wife to be? And I swear in every ounce of my coaching, I believe it all comes back to who we believe we are as a wife, as a mother, as a daughter in law, as a friend, in our careers. Like, whatever it is, it always comes back to who we believe we are. Because as a wife, if you feel that you are whole, hopeless, helpless, reactive, dependent, like, I mean, what is it? Defensive? Like what? We can't identify that way as a wife and expect ourselves to really lead and guide a positive conversation in the face of difficult circumstances? Sure. Your husband hates his job and you notice that that's a big trigger for his mindset. Have you ever considered that he doesn't, he doesn't see that? I really believe guys, this is what helps me so much whenever I'm talking to anyone that it's clear they might have a negative mindset right now is I don't believe anybody wants a negative mindset. I don't believe anybody wants to feel limited. I don't think anybody wants to view themselves as these terrible people that can't have anything or get anything right and they're always screwing up and they feel like they're drowning and the world's out to get the them. I mean, can you really tell me one person that's like, I volunteer, I want to feel that way every single day and be feeling like I'm trapped under the weight of my own thoughts. I honestly don't know one single person in my life that would volunteer for that. And again, let me remind you, my job, my actual job that I've created for myself, what it feels like out of thin air, is to help people that have a negative mindset, to help people that don't know who they are, to help people that have negative self talk and struggle with shame and limiting beliefs. All of the things that I've struggled with too. So I'm not judging. I just want us to understand that maybe your spouse that comes home and just dumps all that negativity out doesn't know that there's another way. Maybe he really does not believe in his ability to have a productive conversation or to focus on the things inside of his control because he's too busy trying to control the things that are completely outside of his control. These are things that we learn, right? And if no one's ever Taught you? No one ever taught me the frick. No one ever taught me. If no one's ever taught you, then how are you? Or if no one ever taught you, then how are you supposed to know? How are you supposed to do different? Let's really think about it. Stress from finances, negative self talk, arguing with our partners, belittling people, attacking people on the freaking Internet. All of those things are considered normal. Well, that's not helping, right? So I didn't really come into this podcast episode with a plan. I just knew it's the topic that I wanted to have. So stick with me here. I hope it's still serving you. But learn to observe without judgment. The judgment piece is what your mindset is becoming. So you're observing your husband. I mean, we're really always observing, but we judge. So we observe with judgment, and that forms the negative thoughts based off of what our husband's doing. And then we paint ourselves out to be the victim of our husband coming home from work after he had a bad day, which what is that going to do to our marriage? Because I know anytime I've done that in my marriage, I. It creates an argument. And now not only does my husband feel stressed from his job, but now he doesn't feel like we're on good terms either. And I don't feel like we're on good terms. And then I'm considering how he feels in his job and how he feels in our marriage, and I'm like, oh, yeah, everything's falling apart. Not helpful. So I don't control the job environment, but I do control me. I control my energy, I control my tone. So what if. And I'm not saying this would work perfectly in your home, but it's just an idea, right? And that's what mindset gives us. Mindset gives us the freedom to come up with new creative ideas. Constructive thinking. That's like, I don't like this, so what can I do about it, right? Not just, I don't like this and I'm freaking stuck here forever. No, I don't like the way this is going. What else can I try? That's mindset. Mindset is not about having perfect circumstances. You're around perfectly positive people all the flipping time and. And everything goes great in your life, and things just always work out just the way you want them to. That's not mindset. That's a fairy tale. Right? Mindset is knowing that no matter the circumstances, I trust myself to be who I want to be that overcomes those circumstances, that I can do this. There's something I can try. I can bring my husband and I closer together. We are not defined by this argument. We are not defined by his career. Right. Having that perspective, that encourages you and empowers you to step closer to your husband in the face of his negativity and say, it looks like you had a really rough day and I am holding space for you because I know that must be really difficult. But now that you're home, I want us to enjoy each other's company because you're not at work. So if you need to take some time in the room and reset for a little bit, I've got this out here. Don't worry. Don't worry about us. Just come back when you feel like you're ready to talk a bit more or to you feel reset and there are more constructive ways to approach him. And, you know, maybe a husband's listening to this. I'm not saying it's just wives that do this, guys. I'm just saying that you're listening to this and you're looking for more empowering ways to approach people that are struggling with negative thoughts. This is. This is an idea. It's not the only way. And you don't have to like this way, but it's an idea. So another way that we can do it is when the moment is calm. Not in that moment, but maybe that night after dinner, getting the kids to bed, house is cleaned up, you guys get in bed together. Maybe instead of just going right to sleep, you let him know, hey, there's something that I'm really struggling with and I was hoping that we could talk about it. Not. Yeah, it's clear that you're struggling and you need to talk about it. Not you, you, you, you, you try me. I'm having a hard time with this. Can we talk about it? I'm having a hard time. Don't turn it on him with your freaking negative attitude. Okay? Yeah, no, not helpful. That is going to cause someone to be pretty defensive, right? Because not only is this person with a negative mindset struggling with their negative mindset, but now they feel attacked. And I promise you that when this person's struggling with their negative mindset, they're not having very much positive self talk. No, they're not. So not only are they not having positive self talk, but now we're attacking that person. You're so negative all the time. It's exhausting to be around you guys. I get it. I. I promise you, I get it. I'm the per I'm the friend in your corner. I say this because I love you. It's not helping. I've had to check myself so many times. Like, Tessa, come on. That's. No, no, no, no. We've got to try again. That was a really poor decision. And that's honestly my positive self talk. When I make really bad decisions, I correct myself. I call myself out. It's okay for me to call myself out. Right? But what if you lay down at night next to your husband and you let him know I'm having a really hard time knowing what to do to support you when you come home and you let me know that you've had a bad day? What if you just asked him that? Have you ever asked him that? Have you ever asked him how you can help him when he comes home and it's clear that he's had a bad day and you want to be able to have, like, positive family time together and remember what life is really all about? Have you ever asked him that? What he needs, how you can help him? I get so many questions. How do I change my husband's mindset? Well, you're not going to. It's not your job to change their mindset. However, when we feel loved and understood and supported and, like, this is my safe place to come home to, and it's safe for me to talk about the things that I'm struggling with, and I know that it's not just going to be pushed on me to do something different, but it's actually going to be asked what I need. Don't you think people would show up a little bit different coming home and I'm not. This is not your fault. Okay, so don't listen to this episode and say, oh, wow, Tessa's saying this is my fault that my husband comes home with a crappy attitude. No, not saying that. I'm saying you've observed that your husband's coming home in a crappy attitude, and you are here listening to this podcast because you would like more skills and tools to help you not absorb and attach to his crappy attitude. That's what this episode's about. So that's more of like a long, drawn out example, but really, observe without judgment. Take. This is your takeaway. Observe without judgment and ask a question that comes back to you, not an attack on them. It is so hard for me to show up around you because you're always so negative. Okay. Remember, is that helpful or hurtful? Maybe you have that thought. I have those thoughts sometimes, too. I think they're funny, so I laugh at them. But anyway, maybe you have this thought, you don't control all of your thoughts so you, you observe this thought that says I can never just be happy because my husband's always in a bad mood. You observe that and you don't say it. You don't say it because now you have this personal boundary that allows you to filter through your thoughts and understand what is helpful and what is hurtful. Telling your husband, I can never be happy because you're always in a bad mood. One that paints you out to be the victim. Yeah, we actually don't want a victim mentality so let's not do that. That's one reason why it's hurtful to the other reason why it's hurtful is it's pushing your husband away from you. And if he's already struggling with his self worth, negative self talk, all of that. Yeah. Now he actually feels worse and his behaviors are going to get worse. Identity. Remember who we believe we are. Your husband, your mother in law, your girlfriends, they all have an identity too. And again, this is something else that helps me so one feel empowered to know that you are choosing the relationships in your life. You are if you decide to stay with your spouse. Well, let's make it constructive. Let's start using those helpful thoughts so things can actually get better because we're not stuck if you are like, well I can't just cut my mom off. Oh yeah you can, you can. You just don't want to. Oh, look at that. Empowerment. I can't is the victim mentality. I don't want to is empowerment. I don't want to cut my mom off. I want us to have a better relationship. I feel really hurt that we don't have that kind of relationship that I'm seeking out. Well, have you ever told her that? Have you ever told her the vulnerable side of you? Or have you only shared the very strong and mighty little bit aggressive at times side of you? Because that's the way I used to always communicate. Was the strong and mighty and a tinge aggressive. It was really aggressive side of me and it just never got anywhere. Very productive and helpful and positive change just never came. But you know, maybe you have this talk with your husband and you notice things are like progressing, getting better and you're like, oh my gosh, all I had to do is talk to him. Well now let's consider a girlfriend, right? A mom friend of yours that's just always complaining about motherhood has a really strong victim mentality. Nothing ever goes right for her. It's also unfair. She can't get anything done. The baby won't let her put her down. Like, all the things. And you're like, I'm gonna try this with her, too. Hey, I'm having a really hard time knowing, like, how to support you when you're having a hard time like that. Because I love our friendship, and I just need more positivity in my life for my mental health. Like, maybe you have a conversation like that, and she doesn't change at all. Like, she's like, no, not doing that. Okay, well, now you have this choice. You've had a vulnerable conversation to the best of your ability. Maybe you tried setting a boundary. You're observing her without judgment. Do you have to stay in that friendship? Is she the only person that you could ever be friends with? No. And no. You don't have to stay in this friendship. And she's not the only person that you can be friends with. Part of growth. Guys, we might actually outgrow some of our relationships. I've outgrown so many relationships. And it doesn't mean that it's easy. It just means that, gosh, if I want to keep going, this influence is not going to work. Imagine someone that is addicted, is an alcoholic, okay? And this. This person that struggles with alcohol and finds a lot of dependency in alcohol wants to stop. Is it going to be very effective for this person that decides, I am not drinking alcohol anymore, I am not an alcoholic. I am outgrowing this. It no longer serves me. I am empowered. Is it very effective for this person who to go back to the friends group of other alcoholics that say, I need this. I can't stop. It's too hard. Why would you want to give it up? Like, that's not going to be very positive and effective, right? Like, we have to. We have to look at that and make the hard choice? Yes. This is the friends group that I'm so used to, but now I want to go this direction in my life, and if they don't want to come, I need to respect. Respect that. I need to respect that and venture out this way on my own and find new relationships in a place that does serve me. Because you will. You will find new relationships. You can find new relationships, and that's really important. So maybe there's a friend that doesn't want to change. That's okay. You still get to make choices for yourself. And now let's talk about someone that you just feel like is never really going to be out of your life. So I've shared a tiny bit about my relationship with my mom. Guys, my mom has one of the hardest stories I've ever heard in my entire life. And again, part of my job is listening to really hard stories. So I, for a long time, never considered that, like, what she's been through, how much she's endured. I mean, her whole life changing overnight when her husband died and she was left the next morning with two daughters and no real, like, work. And just so, like, so much changed for her overnight. For a long time, I never considered any of that. So I am in no way putting my mom down. She's one of the strongest women I've ever, ever heard of. Like, it's. It's phenomenal. It really is. Do we have the greatest relationship? Maybe not. But I really do admire her and I appreciate her for who she is and what she does and how hard she tries. And I understand that everyone has their own demons, and it's our job as individuals to heal those, to discover them, to heal them, to outgrow them, to have self love and self compassion. And maybe not everyone's there, but anyway, I. I wanted to share that because I'm never putting her down. I do love her and I appreciate her and I admire her. And I don't know what I would do if I woke up tomorrow morning and Marcus had passed away in his sleep and I was left with my three boys. I don't know what I would do. And those are really important things that I'm sharing here. Really important things. Because we think that someone struggling with a negative mindset is just doing it because they want to piss us off. Well, no, that's not why they're doing it. Honestly, the person struggling with a negative mindset probably doesn't even have one single thought about how you feel about what they think. Think about that. Do you really think they'd be dumping all this negativity onto you if they had any idea of how much you don't like it and how much it's hurting you, affecting you? Maybe they think that you think the exact same way. Or maybe they think it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all what you think because this is where they're at and it's just this survival place that they're in, that this is the only way that things can be. Well, that sounds like a really difficult way to live too, right? To think like, this is just the only way that things are. And I have no ability to change anything. Oh, that sounds really difficult. Really difficult. So if you are the person with a positive mindset in a conversation with a person with a negative mindset, and you apply observe without judgment. Right? Don't attach. Don't attach to what they're saying. Observe what they're saying. What they're saying has nothing to freaking do with you. It's not your identity, it's theirs. It's not your mindset, it's theirs. So when you learn to have that boundary with yourself. I observe without judgment. I observe without judgment. If it's a relationship like with your spouse, you can have a very productive conversation. I want to learn how to support you when you are having a difficult time so that I always feel like we are a team and we're close together, and you know how much I love and care about you. I think a conversation like that would go a lot different than telling him, I cannot stand. Understand your negative attitude. Every day you come home this way, and we attack, attack, attack, and then he gets defensive, and then it all just falls apart. Not saying all people are meant to be together. Guys, just because you're in a marriage doesn't mean you have to stay. Let's just freaking put that disclaimer out there that everyone seems to forget about and think that I'm oblivious to. So, anyways, when it comes to someone in your life that you just feel like, you're never gonna cut them off, right? I'm not gonna cut my mom off. I already know that. I've honestly tried, and it was a very bad decision, and I will not do that again. So now I know. And anyway, I love my mom. I respect my mom, and I have boundaries in that relationship that serve me, boundaries that protect me and respect her. So, anyway, if I'm ever around someone in my life that I feel like, wow, this person has a pretty strong negative mindset. Instead of feeling limited to their thoughts, I'm thinking greater. Oh, that's baby Drew. Hi, mister. He's like, calm down, mom. Anyway, I'm thinking greater. I'm thinking greater, not thinking greater than them, right? I'm thinking greater than me. I'm not allowing myself to get to this point of attaching. Oops. I'm not allowing myself to get to this point of attaching to negative thoughts around me. That's like going and scrolling on social media, and someone has a negative perspective, and me saying, oh, my gosh, that's the only perspective. Now I'm trapped here. No, just keep scrolling. Keep scrolling. Bye. Don't want to See that anymore. Anyway, don't agree. Moving on. Oh, Mr. It's okay. So anyway, if there's someone in your life that you feel like you're not going to cut them off, you've made that choice. You can cut them off, but you've decided. Okay, let's pause. Here we go. And we're back. So someone in your life that you've made the empowered decision to keep in your life, because that is a choice. Learn to observe without judgment. Ask more questions that are you centered, not attacking them. I want to learn how to best support you. Is there something that I can try when you feel limited in this way, is there a way that you'd like me to support you? Like asking more questions. I'm having a hard time knowing how to show up when our conversations go this way. Like asking questions like that so you can have more productive conversations. Another thing you can do is one of my favorite things to do honestly, and that is to consider their story, consider why they're doing what they're doing. Let your mind wander and make the story. Ask them questions to better get to know them. One of the best conversations I ever had with my mom was two years ago, and I wanted to know more about my dad. My biological dad passed away when I was six. I don't know. I don't know a whole lot about him, and I wanted to know more about him. So I decided, you know, we're going to my mom's house. I'm a freaking ask her. Why not? Why not ask her? At least then I'm deciding what the conversation's going to be about. So I asked her questions about my dad, like, how did you guys meet? And. And just little things like that. And it was the hands down best conversation I feel like I've ever had with her. And, oh, other. Other kids have found me pausing. Hi. Okay, we're back. So hands down, one of the best conversations I've ever had with her. And I learned so much about her and just her story. And I feel like when we really appreciate people's stories, I believe that every single person on this planet has a story that could blow you away if we just take the time to ask, to listen, to care. And I love that. I love that so much. But when I consider my mom's story, I'm like, gosh, it makes a lot of sense why you are here, like, why you do what you do, why you think the way you think. And it's not that she's limited there. It's just this is where she's at right now and it makes sense why. And she has all the freedom to become who she wants to be. And I fully believe in her. And what if you viewed people in your life more that way too? Your parents, your in laws. I'm not asking you to create some terrible story about them. No, I just, I want you to consider. If this is what they think, who do they believe they are? Oh, this is just the way things go for us. We can never get ahead. Who do they believe they are? Why do they think this way? What part of their story led them to believe that this is the only way that it can be. There is a reason why people do what they do. And again, what if we didn't believe that people just want to think negatively and to have low self worth and views of themselves and negative self talk and limiting beliefs. Like what if we stopped believing that this is what they want to do and started thinking about why they do it? I think that's what helps me so much. And just in working with people that have negative mindsets is one, I believe in their ability to change, so I'm just like freaking pumped that they're there. And two, I understand that no matter what they think about themselves, how much shame they battle their limiting beliefs, even their actions as a wife, a mother, as a woman, whatever it is, there's a reason why they do what they do. And instead of me turning to so much judgment and feeling trapped in a victim mentality that says, oh my God, you're in a bad mood, so I have to be in a bad mood. No, this person might be in a bad mood. This person is demonstrating a negative mindset, but it doesn't say anything about me. It says everything about them. They're having a hard time. And if I'm not in the headspace. That's the beauty of this, guys. If you're not in the head space to be around that and to be influenced by that, then there's something you can do too. You can leave, you can communicate. If they're trying to dump all the negativity on you, you can say, you know, I really understand that you're having a hard time, but I am not in the headspace to have this conversation right now. That is respectful, it protects you and respects them. That is a boundary. And it's hard to communicate those things. Believe me. I know, I know. But at what point do you start doing that so that you can be who you want to be? What's better, listening to them dump all the negativity onto you and just feeling resentful towards them and never wanting to be around them again or observing them having a hard time, that this is the negative mentality that they're struggling with right now and that you are not the person best equipped to help them through it. We can understand that. Right? And there are times that I'm not the best person. Like, wow, this is a lot. And I am not in the headspace to have this conversation right now. I do want to be able to talk to you about it, but I don't feel it'd be constructive right now. Can we talk about it after the kids go to sleep? Can I call you tomorrow at this time? Let me get my thoughts together and I'll call you back in an hour. I just need to go on a walk first or. Okay. I can tell this is important for you and you really need my support. Let me change my environment. I'm just going to leave the kids with Marcus really fast and I'll go on a walk and I'll feel better having this conversation while I'm on a walk. People just hearing you say those things, it would put new ideas in their mind of what they can do, too. Oh, yeah. I could have this conversation on a walk. I could tell someone, I'm not in the headspace to have this conversation right now. Right? You are teaching them, you're empowering them, you're helping them because you have a positive mindset, but you're not forcing someone else to think the way you do. Right? That's the beauty of a positive mindset. It's not about making other people have a positive mindset. It's about you just living it, being it, feeling it, sharing it, without having the expectation that they'll do it, too. No, they're going to do the best they can do, and you're going to do the best you can do. But because you've discovered things sooner than they have about yourself, you have more skills and tools than they do, which means a little bit more is automatically going to fall on you because you know more. You know what to look for. Right. You know why you're feeling the way you're feeling. You know how to ask good questions. And other people haven't learned that yet, but maybe you could teach them just by doing it, living it, being it. And I believe that fully. So big long story short, when you are around somebody that you feel is struggling with their own negative mindset, learn to observe without judgment. The judgment is what creates your negativity. The observations can be extremely empowering. Okay, this, it's clear he had a really rough day at work. What can I do? What would be helpful right now? What would I want? How can you communicate that? Babe, it's all right. Just go. Take some time. I've got this. We love you. We're here for you. And sometimes I need that space too. So just. Just take it. Try it. Let's try this. Let's see if it will work. Is there something you want to try that I can support you with? Right, so observe without judgment. Lean into those solutions and know that there's always a reason why people do what they do. And you are not stuck in any relationship. If you are in a relationship, I mean, seriously, even with your kids, you don't have to keep your kids. Are you kidding me? You do not have to keep your kids. You do it because it's who you are. It's who you are. It is non negotiable to keep those kids. Right? That's what you've decided. So when we understand that, like, wow, I'm really, I'm really choosing my relationships in my life, and now I'm ready to choose them a bit more intentionally. These relationships serve me, these ones don't. I'm gonna have to make some difficult decisions because if I really want to make the changes that I want to make, it's not going to be successful. If I stay in these relationships, it's going to hold me back. And I've. I've had to do the same thing, guys. Everything that I've shared here is self taught, okay? So I'm not saying it's proven there. I mean, it's proven with me and other women that I've worked with. But I'm saying, like, I didn't learn that in school. Okay? So observe without judgment. Understand that everyone has an identity. No one wants to be struggling with a negative mindset, self doubt, limiting beliefs. Nobody wants that. That doesn't feel good. Right? But what if they just don't know how to do different? And always remember that there's always a reason why people do what they do. Even if you have the most negative opinion about someone in your life and you're like, I hate them. I can't believe they did xyz. I would never. I would never is a very interesting thing because until you've lived through the exact circumstances yourself, you don't know what you would do. I used to say that about my mom. I would never make those choices. And then I had to humble Myself and realize I've never been through what she's been through. I'm not her. There's a reason why she made those choices and why that was the best she could do at that point in time. And the sooner I respect that and accept that, the sooner I'll find peace and healing. But if I keep arguing with it, then I'm not going to find peace and healing. And I'm sorry, but I. It's just so bizarre. I lived that way for so long, thinking, well, yeah, if my. If I were in those circumstances, I would not do that. I would do this. Oh, well, it must be nice to have the time, Tessa, and the safety and security and comfort right now to make a thought out decision like that. Wow. Good job, Tess. No. Did she know her husband was gonna die overnight and she was gonna be left the next morning with two daughters? No. So humbling myself to understand. I like to think that's what I tell myself. I like to think that I would do different, but I just don't know because I've never been through it. That feels good. It does. It's humbling for sure, but it just. It opens up space for other people. And that feels good. So I want you to know that everyone's doing the best they can. Everyone has an identity. What if your husband's identity is worthless? Ashamed, lazy, disconnected? Fail like a failure? What if that's who he believes he is? What if your mother in law, what if she believes that she's exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed, fat, lazy? Like, what if she's believing that that's who she is? That's her self talk? You and I are in a very unique position, that we are deciding who we are very intentionally, but we cannot get confused and mistake that with what everyone else is doing. That's not what everyone's doing. Everyone's doing the best they can. Everyone has an identity. Everyone has a mindset. They just may not like it, but they also may not know that they can change it. They can change who they believe they are, that they can change their mindset, and they can heal these past patterns that they've had. You. You have the upper hand. And I know it's difficult to entertain conversations of negativity, and I'm telling you right now, you don't have to. If you choose to, then you're the empowered one in the conversation because you know that it can be steered and directed and turned. And you can teach them something different just by modeling behaviors and demonstrating things, not by forcing them. Like you need to say this. You need to do this. Well, no, that's what I need to say. That's what I need to do. I need to let you know that I need to have this conversation while I'm on a walk so I can better stay regulated. That is respectful. It protects you. It respects them. So I truly hope this podcast episode was helpful for you and serving you. Even though I had no notes written out, there's a three week old on my lap. My toddlers found me. And we are doing the best we can here too. I just. I love you guys. I think you're doing an incredible job. And the more you pour into yourselves, the more you can pour into others, right? So overflow into others. Let yourself set that boundary so you can teach other people how to do it too. Let yourself radiate your positive thoughts and who you truly believe you are. And you work hard because it's who you are. You don't cut corners because that's not who you are. Demonstrate that and maybe it will spire inspire other people to do that too. You are so powerful. Powerful beyond measure. And I believe in you. So I hope this episode served you. I hope it was fine that there's no music intro outro. That's not happening today. And I will talk to you guys real, real soon.