31. The Default Parent Mentality

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Hello, my beautiful friends. Regardless if you are a mother or not, I hope that you're listening to this episode at a point in the day that, that you stop to remind yourself who you really are. I hope that this episode is interrupting negative thought patterns where you might be focusing on, you know, I am exhausted, I am overwhelmed, I am stressed, I am distant, I am cold, I'm disconnected, anything like that. I hope that this episode just halts all of that right now for you so you can remember who you really are. You are nurturing, you are engaged, you are interested, you are excited, you are energetic, you are light hearted, you are whoever you want to be. And watching that I am statement is an incredibly powerful skill for you to build because right now you're already using I am statements, right? You're already doing it. So I'm not asking you to do anything more than you're already doing. I'm asking you to do it in a very intentional way because you're already doing it. So remember to always build I am statements that support you. And that's one of my, like, go to first things that I want you to be focusing on. Now. Last week I shared an episode with you guys about the mental load of motherhood. And, and I was hoping to just share four practical things that you can be doing to help yourself through that. Because I wasn't arguing if the mental load of motherhood is real or not. I was just wanting to share some, some practical solutions, right? Skills we can be building tools that we can implement that help us through the very real things that we're going through. Now. This week we are talking about the default parent mentality. Now again, this is, this goes so closely with the mental load of motherhood for sure, because most mothers would be the quote, unquote, default parents. And again, I'm not arguing if this is a real thing or not. And I'm not going to be spending time explaining what it is or what it isn't. Like, again, this isn't an argument. I'm just going to imagine that most people watching this, listening to this episode believe that the default parent is a thing or, or they are identifying as the default Parent right now. And my job here is to provide a new perspective, maybe some skills and tools that you can be working on to help yourself and that we just stay on the same page, and we can do so in a very gentle, loving way. Because I know you're doing the best you can. I know your partner is doing the best that they can, and you can know that I'm doing the best I can too. So with all of this being said, the mental motherhood and the default parent mentality go so closely together. But. But we have to remember that it is a mindset, okay? Nobody else is controlling what we think about motherhood. Now, there are a lot of influences in our lives, right? Some of those influences are really freaking loud. So social media can be a very loud influence. And inside of that loud influence, we hear things like, you are exhausted, moms are exhausted, moms are overwhelmed, Moms are stressed. And here's why, right? Because we are the default parents. We have the mental load. There's the invisible load. We don't have enough support. This isn't the 1950s anymore. We should be having more. Like there's all this conversation around it. And again, I'm not here to say what's wrong, what's right. I'm just here to share the perspective and ask you, is it helping you to constantly hear people tell you what to think about motherhood and how to feel about motherhood, what to think about your marriage and how to feel about your marriage? It. It might not be helping. So first thing, I want you to come into this episode with an open mind, right? Soft heart. Open mind. And be willing to examine if the influences that you allow into your life, your heart and your mind, are helping you through the very real things that you're going through or if they're hurting you through the very real things that you're going through. If you don't feel like it's solutions focused, maybe it's not helping you very much, okay? Because you already know what you're going through. It's there. Okay? So with the default parent, it is a mentality mindset is so freaking intertwined with that. It. It's there. It's there. Okay? So inside of this default parent mentality, I want you to just take a minute and close your eyes and say this with me. I am the default parent. Close your eyes and say it. I am the default parent. Now tell me how you feel. Do you feel resentful? Do you feel like the victim? Do you feel a little bit helpless? My point in asking you to do that is because what we tell ourselves that we are, who we tell ourselves that we are, is driving our mindset. So visually, you can imagine this as an anchor at the bottom of the ocean. There's an anchor and attached. That anchor is a chain attached to a ship above the water. Okay? So everyone can see the ships above the water. You have a ship above the water, and that's you. You are the above the water. Now underneath that is that chain. Well, that's mindset. No one can really see your mindset, but they can see where your ship is going. Right? And that mindset is attached to the anchor at the bottom of the ocean. And that anchor at the bottom of the ocean is your identity, who you believe you are now, your past experiences, your current experiences, the influences in your life. So many things have kind of shaped you into who you are today. And you've always been doing the best you can. And I'm not saying the things that you've been through have all been easy peasy. I know for a fact that they aren. Because if they all were so easy, then you wouldn't be as strong as you are. So I know that you're strong. I know that you're resilient and that you are so wise and you're so knowledgeable because of what you've been through. But I also know that there are some tendencies, some patterns, habits that you're noticing about yourself that you don't love. And I believe those all come from somewhere. So that identity, that anchor at the bottom of the ocean, has been shaped throughout your life. It's who you believe you are. Whether someone told you you are lazy or if you have come up with that idea on your own from your experiences, okay? Either way, it's an I am statement. You're identifying with it. Anchor at the bottom of the ocean. And then the mindset comes. Well, if you are identifying as lazy, I am lazy. The mindset, what's that doing? I don't have the energy to do that. I don't want to do that. There's way too much for me to do, right? I never get to do what I want to do. I never have any motivation. I'm so uninspired. Like, it's really easy to have a mindset that attaches to that. I am lazy. But you are not lazy. You are. That's not who you freaking are. But your mindset is just listening to the identity and then the. The ship above the water. If the mindset is I don't have the Energy. I'm so uninspired. I never have motivation. Everything is way too difficult for me. Um, I always procrastinate. Like, if that's the mindset, that ship above the water, where is it gonna go? Nowhere, right? Or it's. It's not doing things that you love, that you're proud of, right? Avoidance, procrastination, putting things off that goes hand in hand with it. But really think about that. Lazy. I am lazy. What do you find yourself doing? Sitting on the couch a lot. Not going outside. Not engaging in conversations, scrolling your phone a lot. Not taking the effort to build relationships around you or whatever. Whatever that it looks like to you. I'm not here to say what lazy is and what lazy is. It. Just paint a freaking picture in your head, okay? Anchor under the water. Attach to a chain. Ship above the water. That's you. Identity, mindset, actions all connected. Now let's go back to default parent. I don't even know the number of messages I get through emails. Messages on social media, comments on social media. And I read these and they say, but I am the default parent. All right? I am the default parent. Do close your eyes. Close your eyes and say, I am the default parent. How do you feel? Do you feel very grateful for motherhood? Do you feel very excited to do the things that you'd like to do in your home and with your family? To plan events, to plan the camping trip, to do whatever you want to do as a mom? I'm not even saying what motherhood has to look like for you, but I know there's a vision that you have of motherhood in your heart and in your head. And when you tell yourself, I am the default parent, and we slip further into that victim mentality. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Default parent is totally breathing the victim mentality. So if you're working really hard to overcome your victim mentality, but you are listening to all these messages about being the default parent, and you're identifying as it, your victim mentality is going to stay there, right? Our kids are going to be a burden. They're an inconvenience. I have to do everything by default. That's why it breeds the victim mentality, because it's not a choice. It's not a choice to be default. No. Default means that it falls on you because no one else is doing it. So I feel so strongly about this, and I know you can hear my voice, but I'm trying really hard to deliver this gently. But I love you. I. I want to protect you. I want to help you. I want to serve you so badly. And when I hear all these messages of, like, well, you feel this way because you're the default parent, that doesn't actually help you feel better. It doesn't steer you in a direction that you would love to go in motherhood. I have this vision in my head of motherhood, and I know that if I'm referring to myself as the default parent, I am going to build resentment in motherhood because it doesn't feel like a choice. I don't feel like the empowered person making these choices. And, like, I show up to make my kids breakfast because that's the mother I want to be. No, I show up to make my kids breakfast because nobody else will, and I have to, and I'm the default parent. It all falls on me. That's the mindset. So you see how the identity. I am the default parent builds the mindset. I have to do it all. It all falls on me. I don't have a choice. I don't get to do what I actually want to do. And then we build resentment. We build resentment towards our kids, and we certainly build resentment towards our spouse, because default parent means one parent is a default. So who are you working against? I do not believe that our partners, our marriage, whatever that label is for you. I don't believe that it's meant to be this competition of who does more. I. I truly don't believe that. I don't believe it's a competition of who's more tired and. And, you know, racing to the seat of the victim. That's not the way it has to be. And I don't think it's the way that it's meant to be. I think that our partner has strengths and we have strengths, and we can come together and be stronger because we're together. Because I have strengths that he doesn't have, and he has strengths that I don't have. Now, I'm not saying that all partners are a perfect balance, but I'm also not saying that you can't become a perfect balance. I don't know. This is your relationship. And when we just go back to that default parent mentality, if you're experiencing a lot of resentment and you don't feel very empowered as a mother, I am the default parent is not helping. I mean, if you just Google the definition of default parent, it gives you this description, and it. And it sums it up with the parent that, you know, does the lion's share but knows the schedule without having to check the calendar. And I just, First, I just, you know, that's. That, that's the definition on Google. So I do have things that I want to share with you in terms of helping yourself. If you've been identifying as the default parent, I want to give you some ideas of how you can stop identifying as that and still understand that, yes, you do the lion's share. Yes, you know the schedule without having to check the calendar. But you're not the victim of all of that, because I just. This is my other point in all this. I truly believe that the victim mentality that's so loud in motherhood, and it's honestly accepted. It's, it's, it's relatable. It's. It's all over the place. It's trending. It's viral. So with the default parent breathing that victim mentality, what I want us to understand is there's just so much negative language surrounding motherhood. I don't know if you've noticed that or not, if I'm the only one really looking at it, shocked that that's. That's the language that's used. And then we wonder why we feel so stuck. We wonder why we feel so resentful and angry and disconnected and like we're not showing up as the mothers we want to be. Well, our mindset certainly isn't supporting us, and our identity is a completely different part of the ocean than we want it to be. So we're not even where we want to be. And getting there, you're not going to move your ship until you uproot that anchor. Right? So the anchor's the identity until you pull that back in, reevaluate, redesign it, and then plant it somewhere else. That's when you're going to move. But you have to allow yourself to do that. The actions are going to stay the same. That same little radius that the anchor gives it permission to go, those actions are going to be the same. And until you move the anchor, you have to change who you believe you are first change. That first mindset will follow. Actions will follow results. Those outcomes will follow. Things will start changing because you are changing. So the negative language surrounding motherhood of we have to, no one else will. Moms are exhausted. Like these blanket statements. All moms are exhausted. All moms are going through this. All moms feel fed up. And I just, I don't agree. I really don't agree. And this negative language isn't helping. And honestly, the more we consume it, you know what your mind starts to do. It starts to look for it. The more you consume these stories and reels, content, podcasts, whatever it is that you're consuming from friends talking that are complaining about motherhood, complaining about their spouses, complaining about their children, the more often you listen to that, the more your mind is taking it in. And it's an experience that you're going through. Now, mindset comes from experiences. Your mind uses experiences to make predictions. So if you've been spending all of your time scrolling social media consuming content that, I mean, they call it. What do they call it? Dark humor. You know that you're consuming the dark humor where they're making fun of their kids or they're putting them in a box and pretending to throw them out the door because the doctor said to get rid of your stress. You know, all that and, and the way that they're belittling their husbands and calling it a joke, all of that you're consuming that your mind is going to start looking for it in your marriage, in your home, in your kids, in your relationships. It's gonna start looking for that unequal divide. It's gonna. It's gonna look for all of it. It's gonna look. It's the same thing with. You see someone else's home. Like, you're following an influencer and they have, like, great aesthetic in their home. Well, all of a sudden, you don't feel like your home's good enough. And anyway, so that's. That's just an example. But all this negative language and motherhood is not helping you. And the number one thing that I'd love for you to do today is go through the list of people that you follow on social media, and if any of them do not help you become who you want to be, the mother you want to be, that are teaching you skills and tools that help you become that person. If they don't fit that bill, I would strongly advise unfollowing them because they're not helping you go forward. And I know it's a comfort thing, right? Like, I want to. I want to connect with people that are in the same season of life that I'm in. I get it. But there are people in the same season as life that you're in that are enjoying it, that are doing something different than you're doing. And if you're not happy with what you're doing, well, you gotta start looking at, what are the other options? What else can I do? Cause I don't like this. And I mean, this all comes back to identity. Yes, but surrounding yourself with people that know who they are and love who they are and take pride in what they do is going to get you a lot further. And I'm saying this from personal experience, too. So the negative language, we really need to step away from that the best we can. And, you know, how often do you see your favorite mom influencers sharing solutions? Like, I experienced this too. And here's what helps me. Like on. On last week's episode when I was talking about the mental load of motherhood, I experience it too. I'm not arguing if it's a real thing. We all know it's a real thing. So here are some things that I've been. That I've been doing that really help me give them a try. That's. That's what we need in our life, in our minds. Because if it's all about relatability and the views and what's gonna get the most people sharing my content, well, then I need to make it just the. The harsh reality, and this is just the way it is, and I'm stuck here. And that's the victim mentality. And of course, if a lot of people are feeling like victims, then they're gonna gravitate towards that content. Because it's hard to say, like, oh, there is something I can do about this. I know. I know for a fact. Personal experience. It is hard to look in the mirror and say, I haven't been who I want to be. I haven't been doing the things that I want to do. I've been creating that inner tension, that inner friction, because I haven't been doing the things that I know are on my mind and heart to do in motherhood, in my marriage, in my business, in my relationships. Right. Like that. That doesn't feel good. When our mind says, I want to be gentle, and then we're not. When our mind says, I want to be playful and sexual with my spouse and we're not, we do the opposite, that doesn't feel good. That's that internal conflict that we're creating. So, I mean, there's just so many things. But default parent. I just wanted to dedicate an episode of this because it's truly driving a victim mentality. And I feel like it's an extremely harmful disservice to mothers everywhere. When we're saying, well, you're the default parent, what thought comes next? Oh, by default, I have to do all of this. I mean, some moms really want to do this, and then they build this mindset that is complete Opposite of what they've wanted their whole life. I'm not saying all moms have always wanted to be moms. I went through a period of life where I didn't think I was gonna have any kids. I didn't. I was like, I'm not gonna have kids. And I'm so grateful that I do now. And I understand now that, like, this is what I truly, truly want. And I know not everyone feels that way, but when we have this idea in our mind of, like, who we were gonna be as a mother, and then our mindset is just not helping us get there because of a lot of different factors. One being who we are told that we are as mothers. Exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed, anxious, default parents. Like, that doesn't freaking help. But we're not. We're not bringing to life the vision that we had for ourselves. And that is painful. Not being the mother that you want to be is so painful. It's painful. So when. When we're going through all this, another important part to keep in mind when it comes to the default parent is no one makes you. So all the content that you see that backs this idea of you are the default parent because you have to do it, because no one else will. It comes back to this mentality of, I have to. I have to. I have to. I have to. I have to. I have to make the meals. I have to book the schedules. I have to pay the bills. I have to call the grandparents and thank them for the gift. Like, I have to do all these things. I have to get my kids to school. I have to be up with them in the middle of the night. I have to make dinner. I have to engage with them. I have to read books to them. Right, because you're the default parent. No one else will. But that's not true. That right there is not true. So not only is it unhelpful to identify as the default parent if you're trying to overcome the victim mentality, but it's not true. You don't have to do anything. You don't have to read your kids books. You don't have to make them meals. You don't have to get up at 2am with your baby. You don't have to breastfeed. You don't have to, I mean, pursue ways of talking kindly and respectfully with them. You don't have to do any different than your parents did for you. You don't have to be like your parents. You don't have to do anything. Not one thing. You don't have to. And people are arguing with me. Well, you know, well, if I don't, then I'm going to lose my home. If I don't pay these bills, I'm going to lose my home. So I have to pay the bills. You don't have to pay the bills. You could lose your home. You understand that there's consequences to not paying the bills, and so you choose to pay the bills. Right. You understand there's consequences to not feeding your children, and so you choose to feed your children. But at the end of the day, it's the choices that we make, it's who we decide that we are, it's who we choose to be in our lives that is so empowering. And if you want to see a lot of big differences start happening, take total ownership. Own everything as a choice. Right. Your kids don't make you yell at them. No, you, you chose to yell in that moment. And regardless if it's a choice that you feel good about or not, let the guilt teach you. That's not who I want to be. Guilt is a teacher. She's rough. Sure, it's a. You feel it. Don't get me wrong, you're not going to freaking miss the feeling of guilt. But it teaches you it's not a terrible thing to feel guilty. That just means that, oh my gosh, what I'm doing is not in alignment with who I want to be. I'm going to change this now. Now, in my coaching program, my 12 week course, we talk a lot about shame because shame is different than guilt and shame is an attack on self. And again, when we're attacking who we believe you are, that anchor, well, your mindset and actions are not going to benefit from that. So there's so much more to this and I want to just pour it all into you. Absolutely. But I want you to know that there is a choice and we're gonna have to take total ownership. We're gonna have to say, you know, no one makes me. I have. I make these choices that align with who I believe I am during. And that is in my control. Who I believe I am, that's in my control. What I decide to think about these circumstances is in my control. I don't control the circumstances. Certainly not. You don't control your circumstances because there's so many factors outside of your control. The weather, your kids, your spouse. If something breaks in your home, like your job, traffic, all of it. Like, you don't control all of that. You control you. You control you. And thoughts create Feelings. So if you are constantly telling yourself, I am the default parent, what. Why do you feel helpless, hopeless, like the victim? Resentful, angry, aggressive? Cut, like turned off from everything? Why do you feel that way? All the thoughts. The thoughts create the feelings, right? Our kids don't make us mad. Your. Your kids, they don't drive you to the brink of exhaustion. I see reels like that, too content all the time about how our kids exhaust us and they drive us to the brink of exhaustion. We're so ready to get away from them and all these things. And, you know, I. I guess I just have a completely different perspective. But if someone can make you feel exhausted, right? If your baby can make you feel exhausted, if your screaming toddler can exhaust you, who decides when to. Who decides when it stops? Who decides when you get to feel better? Who decides when you get to do something to help yourself? Your toddler, your baby? No, you. You. You're the one responsible for processing, feeling your emotions. You're the one responsible for how you respond. You're the one responsible for your thoughts. So nobody makes you do these things in motherhood. You do them because you value yourself in that way. Because you're so much more than this idea of identifying as a default parent. It's. It's very apparent in your actions that you believe in so much more than that, right? So when I'm talking about the default parent and what I want you to consider doing instead is changing those I am statements. You are not the default parent. Right? Things don't just fall on you by default because no one else will do them. You're going to be there. Even if everyone else that was available to be there was there, you would be there. You would be there for your kids. I know that about you. If you had all the funds in the world to hire a night nurse that cares for your baby all night and a chef that cooks all the meals and a counselor that talks to your kids and a nanny to take care of them and their basic needs throughout the day, and someone else to jump on the trampoline with them, even if you had all of the resources that you needed to have all of those things fulfilled, you would want to be there. Because it's not just by default. It's not just by default that you're there. And that's why I just feel so strongly about this default parent mentality and how damaging it is. We are not victims. We're not victims of our children. We're not victims of motherhood. This is our human experience. That we get to go through. We get to learn from. We get to grow through. We get to experience things. We get to witness human experiences in our children when they have those tantrums, right? We get to witness that human experience for them and decide who we are when we show up next to them. We get to decide how we. How we want to support someone through that. And really, when you look at your kids, it's like a blank slate. You get to be whoever the freak you want to be. That's why motherhood was just so. So freeing for me. It was so freeing the moment I became a mother. Because I just looked at Liam, and he loved me. He didn't know anything about me, really. He didn't know anything about my past. He doesn't know the mistakes that I've made, the things that I feel ashamed of. The way that I talked to his dad, and I didn't like the way that. Gosh, I said hurtful things to my mom. The way that I cheated on a test in the fourth grade. You know, like, he doesn't know anything like that about me, but he just loves me. He looks at me and loves me. He looks at me and trusts me to be there. He calls out for me and trusts that I'll come. He asks for something and trusts that I'll meet his needs. He'll cry and trust that I'm not gonna make it worse for him. And I just think that's the most beautiful thing. It's truly, like, the best clean slate you could ask for. And mothers deserve that. Mothers deserve that. If you're gonna. If you're gonna do so much for someone else, if you're gonna. If you're gonna sacrifice so much, celebrate your sacrifice. Celebrate your sacrifice. Celebrate who you are as a mother, who you are, what you do, why you do it, and the way you do it. Celebrate it. This isn't a race to see who has it harder. This isn't a competition to see who can, I mean, label the most freaking things in motherhood and give it all a name, like toxic positivity and default parents and the mental load. Like, yeah, we can feel exhausted, but guess what? You are not exhausted. Yeah, you might bear the lion's share of the homework and motherhood, but you are not the default parent. You wanna know who you are. You are reliable. You are dependable. You are engaged. You are involved. Try saying that. Close your eyes. Close your eyes and say, I am reliable. I am dependable. I am engaged. I am interested. I am involved. How do you Feel. Tell me which one feels better. I am the default parent. Or any of the last five things that I just said. I am interested. I am engaged. I am involved. I'm reliable. I'm dependable. Which one feels better? There's a reason for that. There's a reason. One why one feels better than the other. And it shows you. That right there is proof that you can help yourself feel better through motherhood. If you would start accessing your self talk that language, the influences you allow into your mind, all of that matters. It truly does. And I want you to feel empowered enough to take the stand that says I am not the default parent. I choose to be here. I choose to do this. This matters to me. Even if I had every resource available to me on earth, I would want to be the one holding my baby. I want to be the one jumping on the trampoline. I want to be the one making the meals. I want to be the one learning about what my kids need. I want to be the one learning new approaches and strategies and techniques to helping my kids when they're having a complete freaking meltdown and I'm not quite sure how to help them. I want to be the one researching. I want to be the one at their doctor's appointment. I want it to be me. And that feels so much better. Then it's got to be me, because no one else will. It all falls on me. I'm the biggest victim. Deep breath. Well, that's pretty much all I've got to say on the default parent. I've poured, I hope you can feel my entire heart into this. There's lots of feelings and things to be said, but really, just check those two things. What, number one, what influences are you allowing into your mind? Those motherhood accounts that you really love to follow, Are they helping you or hurting you? Are they helping you become who you want to be? No. Well, what are they doing then? Ask that question. It's a hard question and I get it, but it will help you if you start making those little shifts. And the second thing, change the I am statements. You are not the default parent. I know you. You don't just do all this because no one else will. You do it because you know it's who you are. It's that deeper part of you, that identity, that sometimes you don't allow yourself to praise yourself for that. You are so reliable, dependable, engaged, interested. You don't even allow yourself to praise yourself for that. We got to go all the way back to I am the default Parent, that's why I do it. No, you are phenomenal. You're phenomenal. Fantastic. And you can actually say that about yourself. Turns out. So change the I am statements, right? Check the influences and change the I am statements. And I hope, I truly hope that the past two episodes between the mental load of motherhood and this default parent mentality episode, I hope that they serve you like on a deeper level where you not only feel heard but you feel encouraged to take the steps that maybe you haven't taken in the past for whatever reason. And I want you to know that enrollment to my 12 week coaching program where I coach you through your identity, right, the anchor, your mindset, that chain, your actions, the ship above the water. I coach you through all of that. And shame, self forgiveness, self love, self care, boundaries and journaling. I coach you through all of it. It's truly like the most inclusive mental health course that we could create together. And I have some really special things happening for this New Year's program where it's going to also help you in other areas of your life as well. And yeah, I hope that that's something that you'll consider working with me. I'm going to be hosting my very first retreat that is available to my past and current clients in February. I'm really excited for that as well. So lots of amazing things happening. I'm really excited to bring us all together on a deeper, more meaningful level where in my coaching program I get to know you and we can talk one on one and get to know each other in the group and learn from one another as you get to listen and watch as I coach other women that might be going through similar things that from as you or something completely different with a new perspective that you haven't considered before. So coaching is definitely a life calling for me. I'm so grateful for it. I love it with all I've got and I hope that you'll give me the opportunity to work with you this New Year's. So enrollment will open up in December and I hope to see you there on January 1st when we kick things off together. So love you dearly and I will talk with you next week. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.