32. One Simple Way to Improve Your Mindset in Marriage TODAY!

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. What a freaking beautiful day it is that we get to be together right now on this episode. Whatever it is that you're doing, thanks for hanging out here with me and letting me be a part of your day in some form or another. Today is really special because I'm going to share a mindset exercise with you that you can be applying right now today towards any relationship. But I'm going to talk to it in reference towards marriage, because throughout September and October have been my mindset in marriage topics for everyone inside of my journaling course. So if you have my journaling course, it's not just one of those courses that's like, one and done. You only have access to the course. The course itself is magnificent, if I do say so myself and the hundreds of other women that have told me. It's amazing what it can do for you, right? But I want to continue holding you accountable, right. Giving you more examples and keeping you excited about your journaling practice. Because I totally. I totally get it. There are just some days that I do not feel like journaling. I don't. I just don't want to do it. But to me, it's just like our physical health, our emotional health. We need to prioritize it even when we don't feel like doing it. And I mean, just a side note to that, oftentimes the very thing we don't feel like doing is the exact thing that would help us feel the way we want to feel. I'm going to say that again. Oftentimes, the very thing you don't feel like doing is the exact thing that would help you feel the way you want to feel. So in a moment that. That I'm feeling uninspired, I don't feel like journaling, right? Because I don't feel inspired to journal. So I don't feel like journaling. I feel uninspired. But if I just force myself to get to that journal, open it up, and start writing, all of a sudden I start feeling inspired. Isn't that interesting that, like, we kind of talk ourselves out of doing the thing that we actually need? I need journaling, right? We need to go outside. Oh, I just don't feel like it. So then we don't go outside. And then we perpetuate that feeling, the uninspired feeling that we're having, right? We're perpetuating the feeling of exhaustion, of disengagement, of distance in our relationships. Like we are. We're doing that because it's the way we feel. So then we create more of that feeling instead of saying, I am not my feelings now, goodness, this is a whole friggin. You know, let's just talk about this a little bit more. You are not your feelings. Okay? You're not. We all have feelings. And as human beings, we are meant to have emotional experiences. We are. That's why they're there. But we have to understand that thoughts create feelings. And just because you're feeling exhausted does not mean it's who you are. Just because I have moments where I feel uninspired, that does not mean it's who I am. I would consider myself an extremely inspired person. So just because I feel uninspired at times doesn't mean that's who I am. It's just how I feel in that moment. And it's likely because of what I've been spending my time doing, right? If I'm consuming content, I'm not gonna feel very inspired to go create my own. Like, for me, creating content comes from my day to day life, not watching somebody else's. So when it comes to, like, creating. So anyway, you are not your feelings. If you are feeling irritated towards your spouse or towards your kids, that does not mean you are an irritable wife and mother. No, it's just how you've been feeling. And there's a reason why you feel that way. And yes, my friends, I believe in feeling your feelings. Your feelings are not going anywhere until you feel them. So please, by all means, feel them. But just know that there's something you can do about it. You can help yourself. So when I feel uninspired and my first thought is, I don't feel like journaling, guess what? I can still sit down to journal. When I'm feeling sluggish and slow and heavy and not the way that I want to be feeling, it's easy to say, oh, I just don't have it in me to work out. I don't feel like it. I don't want to, right? But I know that going for a walk or doing my workout or doing something, something physical will increase my energy. It will get me back to feeling the way that I want to feel. And I'm not going to feel super energetic and inspired and all of those ways all of the time. But I know how to get myself there, and that's what's important. It's not really important that I stay there all the time. It's important that I know how to get back. Right? Because we're just, we're not going to feel the same way all of the time. So you are not your feelings. You are the person that gets to help yourself through your feelings. And you need to intentionally decide who you are in your roles, in your roles in life as a wife, as a mother, in your career, as a daughter. Like, whatever it is that means most to you, you need to know exactly who you are showing up. Which is again, why I love journaling so much. And I teach you how to do all this in my journaling course. And that's why I continue providing examples. And like every month we choose a topic. So July was birthday, August was postpartum. September and October are our marriage topics. So if you are interested in getting any of those past resources that I have sent out, I want you to have them. I am not here saying like, oh, nope, you missed the mark. I don't want to give it to you. I want you to have them. I want you to have these amazing resources that actually prove to you that you can be who you want to be and how to do it right. So go grab the journaling course. I've linked it below and then you can send me an email. I provided that as well. Just requesting the past resources that you've missed and I will gladly send those to you. Um, and then once a month we do a live coaching session together, which is free to you if you have the course. And it's your chance to do some one on one coaching with me and learn from other women in the group that have the opportunity to ask me questions too. So I freaking love it. But anyway, today's podcast is talking about just one simple skill, really that you can be building and apply to any relationship, especially the ones that you've felt that you've been building up some resentment in. So again, marriage and even towards our kids, though, it's extremely relevant. So all, let's, let's look at it this way. I have a client of mine and I've worked with her for a long time, like I adore her. So we've been talking for a really long time and she was telling me that for a long time, like she feels so disconnected from her spouse and she's telling me more and more about this. And, I mean, I've never met her spouse. The only thing I know about her spouse is what she's told me, right? So in my head, given what she's told me, I'm like, this guy is a jerk. Like, he doesn't do anything to help her. Like, wow, this is really difficult for her. And anyway, here's some more of the story. She's like, I never feel validated from him when it comes to my emotions. He always says that I'm being too sensitive and I'm making a big deal out of nothing and just rolls his eyes when I start getting worked up and emotional. Like, if I start crying, he just shuts down and rolls his eyes, like, here we go again kind of thing. And I'm like, oh, wow, this is not how I would love for you to be treated, right? So I'm listening to all this, and she's telling me more about her husband. Now, I will tell you guys, she never told me the positives about him. It always seemed like what he's not doing, right? He doesn't validate my feelings. He doesn't take interest in why I feel the way that I feel. He always seems annoyed when I get emotional, and I can't help but cry. Like, and it just. It goes in this circle. And he doesn't support me in shifting jobs that I want to do, possibly because of income reasons. Like, she's telling me all these things, and they're all valid. I am in no way saying like this, like, you shouldn't feel this way. No, not at all. I'm just listening, right? And she's telling me all these things. So one day I. She had told me a lot of things in a row that her husband doesn't do, right? He doesn't do this, this, this. He doesn't validate me. He doesn't support me in shifting my career. He doesn't take interest when I get emotional and help me dig deeper. You know, things like that. So one day I asked her, okay, we have had this same really, like, a mindset block about the wife that you want to be for a long time, and you're telling me all about your husband and all the things that he doesn't do. Can you tell me some things that he does do? And I asked her that, like, just flat out tell me something that he does do. And honestly, she was already really emotional telling me the things that he doesn't do. Obviously, like, we. We want to be in relationships that are thriving. We want to feel just open and vulnerable and happy and. And like, we're. The relationship that we're in is the one we wanna be in, right? That we chose the right person to spend the rest of our life with. And it doesn't mean that it doesn't come without hardship, obviously, but that's the way that we want to feel. So when she's telling me all the things that he doesn't do, she feels extremely emotional. I mean, really defeated, really hopeless about how to even talk to this guy anymore. Um, and you can tell, like, there's a lot of disconnection in their relationship. So I ask her, you know, what does he do? Tell me some things that he does. And she's quiet. Quiet for a little bit of time, understandably because her mind was working so quickly in one way. I mean, it was like a flowing river. She could just tell me all the things he doesn't do. And when I asked her, you know, look at the river that you're in and it's raging one way, I want you to just stop. And obviously the thoughts are still going that way. But she has to set the intention to ask herself, what does he do? And it takes time. It takes time to think about that. And it just proves to you, oh, my gosh, I'm putting all of my focus and attention on. On what is not serving me. Looking for his shortcomings, right? Looking for what he's not doing. Looking for what we want to see them improve on. Well, personally, if someone only saw that in me, like, what I could improve on in my podcast, in my content, and I'm not doing a good enough job at X, Y, Z, and I never get ABC done. You know, like, if. If someone were only telling me those things, I wouldn't feel like I'm doing a very great job with making my content right for all the stuff. Mind, body alignment. So my courses on Instagram, my reels, my stories, my podcasts, the emails, coaching sessions, I wouldn't feel like I'm doing a good job because I'm constantly being told what I'm not doing, what I'm not good at. Do you think I would continue for very long if that was all I was hearing? No, I personally don't think I would continue for very long if that's all that I was hearing from. From the moment that I started really coaching, it's been a very positive feedback. So it's been easy for me to see, like, this is a thing for me. Like, I'm really good at this and I'm talented And I've been able to work myself up and build my own confidence looking at the very real experiences that I'm having and how I'm influencing other people in a positive way. Right? So if you're in this relationship and maybe you can apply this towards, like, what your spouse does to you, does your spouse only acknowledge your shortcomings and what you're not doing and what you're not good at? How does that feel? If my spouse were doing that to me, I wouldn't feel very connected to him. I wouldn't want to be playful and lighthearted and let the little things go, right? Like, if I see his shorts on the floor instead of in the laundry basket, I wouldn't want to let the little things go because now I'm looking for an opportunity to tell him what he's not good at. You're not good at this. You always leave the shorts out. Why can't you just put them in the laundry basket? Is it that hard? Meanwhile, I'll tell you this flat out. I leave my pile of clothes in a corner of my bathroom. Every single night that I take a shower, I take off my clothes and I leave them in a corner of my bathroom. And then the next morning, I see the clothes there and I walk them over to the laundry basket. I do the exact same thing. I mean, eventually I get them in the laundry basket, but I don't immediately put them in the laundry basket. As for my husband's shorts on the floor, I did bring that up to him. I was like, I watched him do it. He just put them right there on the floor next to the bed. And I was like, mark, what are you doing? Like, put him in the dirty laundry basket. I was like, have you noticed that every day I pick up your shorts off the floor and put them in the laundry basket? And he's like, yeah, and every day I wonder where my pajama shorts go. I was like, oh, my gosh. Like, he really thinks, like, I'm just going to leave my pajama shorts right here so that I can wear them to bed tonight. And I look at it as, you know, put it in the freaking dirty laundry basket. But he's like, well, they're not really dirty. Like, they're pajamas. I can wear them another night anyway. And then I brought up the point, like, okay, but when I come to vacuum the bedroom, the shorts are in the way. And he's like, see, that makes sense. I'll make sure I pick up my shorts, because to me, that makes sense. And My husband is seriously so freaking respectful. So respectful. And if I were to just said, like, hey, get your freaking shorts off the floor, man. Like, come on. But it's helpful for anyone to have more information. That's it. Like, you feel better when you have more information. So instead of your husband just saying, hey, I'm gonna go golfing Saturday morning, well, you take that information, you're like, oh, what? That means everything falls on me, and you're gonna be gone. And I have all this, and I've been doing this all week. I'm the one that deserves a break. Right? But if your husband were to have said, look, I feel like I show up so much better for our family when I just have a couple hours to go golf on Saturday morning and then spend the rest of the day with the kids, like, if he got really vulnerable with you, you would likely be so much more open to the idea of him going golfing and supporting it. And because he led with vulnerability, he led the example, you would feel more likely to express the same in return. I get it. I know what it's like to not take that time for myself, and then everyone gets the. The short end of me, right? And I don't show up as who I want to be. So I would. I do want you to go golfing, but we need to make it so that I have time for me too. And this is what I'd like to do Saturday, Sunday, Friday, whatever it is. Right? Like, you guys get to figure that out. But my point is, when we don't feel like we're ever acknowledged for what we're good at, it's difficult to feel like we're good at anything. Even if you have this mentality of like, okay, I'm doing a good job. Like, I'm involved with my kids, and if my spouse were to say, yeah, but you're not reading enough with them, okay, well, I'm not being acknowledged for what I am good at, and then it's just not helpful. Like, mentally, it's not helpful. And I'll tell you this right now, we all have negative thoughts as it is. We don't need to be carrying someone else's as well, which is why influences are so important. Right? So if you're scrolling social media and you're like, I need to have balance on my feed, so I'm going to keep some of these accounts that are like, the dark humor, and they share the relatable stuff about the mountains of laundry, because I want balance. And then I'm going to have something like Tessa's feed over here, which seems like the complete opposite. Well, that. That's not really balance. It's just reaffirming the negative thoughts you have. And then looking at my content saying like, oh, I. I'm still working on that. Well, it's going to feel very difficult. It's going to feel like the uphill battle if you're still reaffirming your negative thoughts and your negative beliefs. All right, so influences matter tremendously. How you decide to influence your spouse and how your spouse decides to influence you is tremendous. Like, we, we have to focus on this area. So anyway, the thing that I want you to do and I was talking with my client about is, you know, tell me what he does do. And again, she paused because all of the thoughts are going in a very negative direction very quickly. So. So it takes time to just sit there and think for a minute. And then she really started crying. She really started crying because you want to know what she told me? He cooks all of the meals. He cooks every single meal for us. He does all of the grocery shopping. I just, I hate grocery shopping. And he, he always gets it done. And then he cooks the meals and he takes care of all of the bills. Like he runs all of our finances and all of the bills. And meanwhile, I'm just listening, like after one thing, after the next, she tells me something and I'm like, wow, that's awesome. Anything else? Yeah, this. I'm like, wow, that's. That's really awesome. Anything else? Yeah, and he takes care of all the bills and finances. And I'm like, wow, that's. That's really great that he does that. Is there anything else that you can think of? He is so involved with our daughters. He loves to go to their dance recitals. And he's like, really about, you know, the way that we present ourselves and the confidence that they have when they go on stage. And he's just like their biggest cheerleader. I'm like, that is super special to have a spouse that is extremely involved in your kids activities. And it's just there for them, like they're going to remember that for the rest of their life. I'm like, is there anything else you can think of? And she said, he's really punctual. Like, he loves to make sure that we're places on time. And I appreciate that because it can be difficult for me to make that the priority in my head. And she's just going on and on and on about all of the things that her spouse does. And this whole time I'm freaking sitting here like, wow, this is a very different perspective of the person that I was perceiving to be. Like a jerk that doesn't do anything. He's not helpful, he's self centered, he's selfish, he doesn't, I mean, he has a big ego. Like he's not willing to ever be vulnerable. That is no longer true. Now that we have more information, those thoughts are no longer true. But it's what we choose to look for in people. So if you're working on your mindset in your marriage, here's what I want you to do for a whole day, A whole day. Make it a whole freaking week. Look for what your spouse is doing. Look for what they do. What are they good at? How do they contribute? What do you feel like is, are there strengths where maybe you have a weakness there? And I'm, I want you to do that because have you ever heard the saying, when you focus on the good, the good gets better? It's actually a fact. It is so true. So when you start noticing more good in your spouse and what they do in the home and in the family and in your relationship, what they are good at, it's also easier to praise and acknowledge them for those good things. I love how playful you are with the kids. I know sometimes I can be really critical and say that, you know, you get them all wild up before bed. But they love that about you and I love that about you and I. I love to watch you guys do it. And I'm working really hard on not criticizing you for it because I don't want you to stop. That's vulnerable. And it praises them for something where he has this new wave of inspiration and permission to be that dad that he wants to be. Right? Or when it comes to grilling, maybe he loves to grill, but he forgets to make the sides or something. Like whatever it is, look at what they are doing, how they contribute, what value they bring, what makes them different from you in a really positive way. Because if they were exactly the same as you, that wouldn't. Honestly, that would not be positive. I know we crave that, but it would not be a good thing. We need those differences. So I want you to do that for at least one day, call it today. Look for everything your spouse does well, good at, how they contribute, what value they bring, and challenge yourself. It's going to feel really uncomfortable, but praise them for it. I really appreciate that. You just always grab the vacuum and vacuum the floors Or I really appreciate that you just take the. You just take the laundry and start it. Like, you just. You just do it where. Because sometimes I get caught up in my head of, well, I don't want to sit down and put it away, so I better not start it. And I just appreciate that you just start it because now the laundry hamper's empty to start the week. And that feels really good. Or what they do for work, right? The way they play with the kids, what they prioritize doing with the family, and the time that you see them reading books, you know, like, whatever it is, seriously, whatever it is, that you just feel like they are good at this. They do help me in this way. Look for more of that. Look for more of that. Because there's only so long that we can beat people down and expect them to show up as their best selves too, because they start losing that best self, that best part of them within themselves. Like, they. They lose the view of that. They start thinking, well, I'm just a crappy dad. I can't do anything right. And we can feel the same way as women. I'm not. I'm not saying that we never feel this way, but because we know what it feels like to not feel like an awesome mom, to not feel like we have it together. Instead of looking for everyone else's flaws and downcoming shortcomings, we can instead say, I know what it feels like to. To have those feelings that you're. You're just not being who you want to be. And it's hard and it sucks. And if someone were criticizing me at the same time, that would feel even more difficult. So I've told you guys this before. When you decide to start working on yourself, it helps you tremendously. However, it also makes you more responsible than someone that truly doesn't even know about their mindset. They don't know about their identity. They don't know about the tools that I'm sharing with you about looking for the good, looking for what people are doing instead of trying to highlight all their shortcomings and downfalls. The shortcomings and downfalls are honestly a lot easier to overcome when someone believes in themselves. And because we're working on ourselves, we have the upper hand of staying very intentional of what we look for. But we also are more responsible to lead by example, to model the behavior that we wanna see. And sometimes it's like, of course, just one more thing for me to do. Your life is a thousand times easier when you do this, right? Because you Know, like. Well, just because I feel like I was talking about in the beginning. Just because I feel unmotivated right now. Right. I feel tired. It doesn't mean it's who I am. And I can get up and do something about it right now. I can help myself feel the way I want to feel. Someone else truly does not know that. I have talked to hundreds of women that don't know that. I didn't know that. I just thought, oh, well, I don't feel like doing it, so. Darn, darn. I. I kind of really wanted to do that thing. Read the book, journal, make a course, record a podcast, but I don't feel like doing it, so that's a bummer. Really should have taken the motivation when I had it. Like, no, that's ridiculous. But a lot of people truly don't know that. Um, so anyway, that's what I really wanted to share with you today. If you have my journaling course, just email me for resources that you've missed, and I'm happy to send those to you. I have more exercises in there, including. I sent out an email this week that taught you two words to use to. To ground your mindset in an actual conversation that you're having. And sometimes that's, like, the most difficult time to really control our mindset is because we're listening to someone else at the same time. But I'm. I'm sharing two words with you that will ground your mindset and keep you on top of a conversation that you're having and keep it productive. Right. Just. Just like what we want, especially with marriage stuff. So if you have the journaling course, you can message me for past resources that you might have missed. I'm happy to give those to you. And I want you to try this exercise today. Look for what your spouse is doing. Force your mind to find it, because if you can find everything they're not doing well, that means they're doing something. If you. If you're able to see what they're not doing, that means they're doing something else. What are they doing? Okay. But anyway, I love you guys. I adore you. I appreciate you. You're freaking amazing. And I want you to be who you want to be, and I totally believe that you can, because if I can do it, you can do it. So I'll see you next week, and we'll have more mindset goodness to be talking about. And other than that, I hope you have a wonderful week. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.