36. Mindset in action! kids hitting, a 35 minute tantrum, pushed boundaries and my body feeling the anger.

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Oh, beautiful friend. Hello. Hello. This is one of my favorite episodes because every episode that I get to share a story with you and how mindset is is truly working in my life. And in your life is always going to be one of my favorite episodes like it just is. So today I want to share a story of what happened in my house last night when it was me, my husband, and my three boys. Um, we were late to making dinner and, you know, it was just one of those nights where you got distracted doing other things. And they were good things. Like we were playing with silly String, and it wasn't planned to play with silly String. There was this enormous mess. We didn't know that the toy was gonna work like that. It was just. It was so fun and a huge mess for us to clean. So then everything got pushed back. Right. So, Liam, a little bit of backstory. I'm just going to jump right in. Liam, earlier that day at 11 o' clock was telling me that he feels tired. We were out running errands and I was hoping that he would take a nap in the car. That didn't happen. A 45 minute drive to the errands that we needed to run and a 45 minute drive back. He did not take a nap. So the poor dude seriously felt tired since 11 o' clock in the morning and now it's 6 o' clock in the evening. And yeah, he is feeling it. And at four and a half, I truly feel like there is just something that happens emotionally. Like they become more aware of their emotions and maybe even their emotions are scaring them. Like they're learning how to communicate and feel what they're feeling. But the natural thing to do is become what you're feeling. So you're feeling angry. So you become angry angry and you act out that way. Right? So it's really hard to be a kid. It just is. And I don't know about you, but no one ever taught me how to truly process and feel something without becoming it. And now I'm seeing it in my kids too. Like, this is something that needs to be taught and really modeled in our behaviors so our kids can learn by what they See in us, too. Not that we're never angry, right? We. We can feel angry, but we can also demonstrate how to feel angry without becoming the anger. Acting out that way, lashing out, doing things that you're not proud of. Mistreating and hurting people. We don't have to do that, right? So, anyway, back to the story. You guys know how much I love my side notes. Anyway, so we. Driving back home. We get home, played the Silly String, Dinner gets pushed back to 6 o'. Clock. I decide, you know what, whatever. I'm making French toast for dinner because it was fast. So I'm making the French toast and my back is turned towards my boys because I'm at the stove, I'm holding Drew making the French toast. Marcus was helping clean up the Silly String still. And Luke walks by Liam, who is sitting in a bar stool at our counter. Now, our bar stools spin in circles. How fun. And go up and down. Even better, right? So anyway, Liam was in a bar stool that can spin and go up and down. And Luke walks by him. Now, I don't know what Luke did because I didn't see it, but Luke did something. And then Liam said ow or something. And I turn around when Liam said that to see Liam kick Luke, my two and a half year old, in the face. He straight up kicked Luke in the face. As Liam is sitting in the. In the bar stool, Luke's walking by. He kicks Luke in the face. Luke falls to the ground and is crying because getting kicked in the face would hurt really bad. So. And I'm still holding dear at this point. And I just. I reacted. I was like, Liam totally caught off guard. Wasn't expecting that at all. And that was my initial reaction. Now, did I continue to act in a very reactive state? No. No. And this is. I want to, like, stop in this story and just share where this work comes into play. Because the more you. You condition your mind outside of the hard moments. So like with my journaling course, you learn how to do that in the safe moments. And that way, when the hard moments come, your mind goes to a different place than reactivity and lashing out. So anyway, I reacted for a second. I caught that my Liam. I caught that and changed what I was doing. I didn't even know entirely how I wanted to handle that situation because honestly, I felt really angry that Liam had kicked Luke in the face. I don't like it when my kids are hurting. I love all of my children, and I certainly don't want to see one hurting the other. So as a mother, it makes sense why it feels so upsetting when it happens. And it's valid that I feel upset. No part of me is saying, oh my gosh, I shouldn't feel upset about this. No, I feel upset and that's valid. My child just got kicked in the face by my other child, both of which who I love so much and I don't want them to treat each other this way. But I know how to help myself through it with the mindset work. So number one, all of that work that we do in self discovery and self healing, especially in my 12 week course, mind body alignment is much different than alignment journaling. Alignment journaling is more about the skillset of mental rehearsal and conditioning so that you can show up to difficult circumstances that you have with a different perspective of yourself and how you plan on handling those. Mind Body alignment is a full 12 week in depth self discovery and healing journey like it truly is a journey. We go deep, we go hard, we go there. And I like to describe it as there. There's no place of darkness that our collective light will not reach. You come with your shame, you come with the hard. You come with your negative mindset and low self worth. You come with all of it. And we heal it, we transform it so you're not transferring it into your children. And I love this course so much. So anyways, the enrollment for that is actually open right now. And I hope so Valley that I see you inside of it. But I catch my reaction and I go in and ask myself, what do I do first? Okay, well, I believe hurt people. Hurt people. And anytime Liam hurts Luke, it's because Liam's hurting too. And anytime Luke hurts Liam, it's because he's hurting too. So it's not that one of my kids is more hurt than the other. It's that they're showing it differently and they're expressing it differently and they're feeling it differently. And right now I'm just going to do, you know, what's my first best step that I would feel proud of. It may not even be the right thing to do. Right, the right thing. Because hindsight's always 20 20, like, oh, I should have done this. But when you ask yourself what is the next thing I can do that I would feel proud of? I didn't scold Liam, I didn't shame him, I didn't yell at him. I felt the anger. I didn't act on it. I just went down, I scooped up Luke, literally still holding Drew in one hand. I Know, mothers are amazing. So I'm holding my 4 month old in one arm, scoop up Luke in my other arm, which is my heaviest child, and I pop him up on the counter next to me to ask him how he wants me to cut his French toast. He just got kicked in the face. I understand that. And I'm doing the best I can as his mother, trying to not act on the anger that I'm feeling, trying to express love and connection to all of my children because I understand that hurt people, hurt people and bring the energy back down because this heightened state of everyone's screaming and the crying and the frustration and Liam putting his feet on the counter and Drew needs and like all of this all at once can feel really overstimulating, overwhelming. So it's my job in that moment to do something that helps myself. What's not going to help me is trying to talk about it with Liam right that moment, or sitting in front of Luke and trying to consult him that way. That's just not going to be my best move personally with my child. So I scoop him up, I pop him on the counter, I ask him, how do you want me to cut your French toast? And he tells me he wants it cut into squares. And I'm like, triangles, strips, squares. He's like, I want it in squares. I'm like, okay, buddy. Like, I love you so much. And I still don't know exactly what happened. All I saw was Liam kicked Luke in the face. But again, like, I'm trying to provide that love and connection and belonging to Luke and the best way that I know how to as a mother that's experiencing some overstimulation, the feeling of anger, the feeling of overwhelm and just trying to bring things back down. So I'm not. What I'm sharing here isn't the step by step what to do when your child does this. It's the step by step of what I did, doing the best I can in a very real moment of my life. And then in an evening moment with three kids, right? So Luke is now happy at this point, which helps me tremendously because he's ready to sit at the counter and eat his food, which he did. So amazing. So he's sitting at the counter, quiet, eating his food. Liam, Liam was having a hard time still. So I. What's important, what I want to kind of like interject here is explaining how I felt in this moment. I get Luke and he's okay and I give him his dinner and I am still feeling angry towards Liam valid. But the way I felt towards Liam, that anger was turning into pulling away from him. I could feel my body, literally my whole body wanted to ignore him. I swear, my whole body felt so cold and disconnected and like, I don't want to be around you. I feel so irritated towards you. I can't believe you did that. Like, I'm having those thoughts and I'm feeling it in my body. And it's really difficult to do what you want to do as a mother. Right. Show up as that best version of you when your body is literally feeling shut down to connection. It's like, I don't want to do it. And maybe a better example for this might be for you personally. If you've ever been in an argument with your spouse, it's not the first thing that you want to do. Like, physically, you don't feel like going up and giving them a hug and saying, I'm sorry, can we please try again? I love you so much. The conversation doesn't need to go this way. Let's try this way instead. Like, you don't want to go up and give your spouse a hug in that moment because we're so busy feeling the anger now. Anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is a secondary emotion. It comes in to guard something. So we can thank the anger. It's not a problem that it's here. There's nothing wrong with you that you feel angry. You can validate it. I feel angry. And it's here to guard something. What is it guarding? And the best thing really that you can do with your anger is get curious about it. Just approach it with love and compassion. And you're welcome here as long as you feel you need to be here. Because you don't control all of your feelings. I know people say, like, you control the way you feel. Not entirely. Not entirely. You can create new feelings, right, and elevate the way you feel, but you don't completely control the way you feel. And that's very important to know. So what you need is more skills and tools that help you when you're feeling a way that's difficult to process. And you have to understand that throughout your life, you have built up ways to cope with the way you feel and to cope with what you're going through. And now that perfectionism and people pleasing and shutting down and procrastination are the coping mechanisms, the victim mentality, the coping mechanisms that you've developed, the. That are no longer serving you. And in one way, you thought they were serving you at that Time. And so we develop them and sometimes we develop these things and we don't even know that we're doing it. That's how amazing our mind is. It's like, how do I stay safe? How do I get out of this feeling? How do I get into a new feeling? So mind Body alignment, my full 12 week course walks you through the system necessary for you to take back ownership of who you truly are and live your life as who you want to be. It's hard work, it's vulnerable work, but that is the best work for you to do if you truly want to transform the way that you're feeling in your everyday life and how you're showing up. So I felt my body feeling very cold and disconnected from Liam and it took me a little bit of time to like understand that I was feeling that way. It probably took me like, I don't know, between five and 10 minutes to realize this wasn't just a thought thing. Like my whole body felt angry. My whole body felt angry. And I didn't want to be vulnerable with him. I didn't want to connect with him. I didn't want to go give him a hug. Like I wanted to give him the silent treatment. Now let's do some self discovery work on that. Why? Why would I go to this place of wanting to give him silent treatment? Where does that come from? For me personally, that's the way I was raised. That was my unhealthy coping mechanism. When I did not know how to process my emotions and show up in my circumstances, I. I would ignore it. I would ignore people, I would ignore things, I would door tasks, whatever it was that was creating more of those uncomfortable feelings for me, I would just ignore it. Okay, so now I'm doing that to my child, which is not the goal. And I've worked really hard. I've told you guys this. I used to ignore my husband. I've worked really hard to overcome these things. But gosh, in a moment it can really just pop up and take you by surprise and your body goes back to doing that thing that is comfortable for it. It's comfortable to shut down. It's comfortable to make space for the anger, vulnerability, love, joy, playfulness. Being silly can feel so uncomfortable. Gratitude can feel so uncomfortable. Does that mean gratitude, love, joy, playfulness, silliness is wrong or unhealthy? No, it's the opposite. We develop unhealthy ways of coping through what we've been going through and then we never go back to actually heal the sources in which all this is coming from, and that's what I love to do in my twelvee course, is heal the sources that this is coming from so you can learn new ways of coping in a very healthy way. Communicating when you feel angry without becoming the anger. So I catch myself doing this probably about five, ten minutes into it, and then I give Liam his food, and I'm still making my food, and I decided to make myself some scrambled eggs with some leftovers. So I'm still at the stove a little bit longer, and Liam is putting his feet on the kitchen counter. I gave him his food, right. It's been about 10 minutes since the whole Luke incident, but I'm still feeling it. And he's putting his feet on the counter and spinning his barstool chair, which we do not allow our children to put their feet on the counter and spin the barstool chairs. That's not what they're there for. We sit at the counter to eat. I do allow my kids to get on the counter when they're helping me cook things, like. Because I love that involvement. But that's just a boundary in our house. And my kids know, like, we don't put our feet on the counter when we're eating. We don't spin the bar stool around when we're eating. So anyway, I remind Liam, hey, buddy, it's time to eat. Our feet do not go on the counter when we're eating. Your feet need to go down off the counter. Okay, mom does it again. Okay. And now I'm trying to communicate to him about the spinning in the chair. Liam, it's dangerous to spin in the chair. I need you to keep the chair still while you're eating. Okay, mom does it again. This literally was back and forth five times. Five times. And again, I'm not telling you step by step what to do. I'm telling you what I did, and I'm proud of what I did. I would do it again. I think I handled it all really well, given the circumstances and what I was feeling and experiencing. I think I did a great job. So five times. And the reason why I let it go on for five times, like, why didn't you stop it after the second time? Why didn't you stop it after the third time? Is because I did not want to say something and have to follow through. That's literally why I didn't. I was like, hopefully, you know, we can do it the easy way that I say something. You respect it. You. You follow through. And that wasn't. That wasn't happening. So now I need to go the more difficult route. And I personally believe, as a parent, you do the things you say you're gonna do. If you say, I'm gonna throw away that toy, if you do that again, you better throw away the toy. And. Which is why I do not say things like that to my kids, because I don't want to follow through on that. But if my kids learn my mom doesn't do the things she says she's gonna do, then where. Where's that respect being built? Where's that trust? It's not just trust of, like, the consequences that are come, but it's the trust of, like, if I tell you I'm gonna read you a book before bed, I'm gonna do that. If I tell you I'm gonna do bath time, I'm gonna do that. If I tell you we can play tag or after my workout or bake cookies after my workout, we're going to do that. You can trust me. And the things that I tell you because that's who I am as your mother. It goes that way, too, in a very positive way. So, anyway, that's why I chose not to say anything about really a consequence, because I didn't want to follow through. Then after the fifth time, I was like, okay, you know, I'm committed. I am committed. I am following through. Here we go. So after that fifth time, I told him, all right, bud, I can see you're having a hard time. If you continue spinning your chair and putting your feet on the counter, I'm going to move your food to the kitchen table to eat so that it's no longer a problem. You don't have to do that anymore because you're at the kitchen table. He goes, okay. And then he did it again. He did it again. So what did I do? What did I do? I stood up. I was at this point, I was sitting down to eat with Drew, just holding him, eating my omelette that I had made, and I stand up, and I'm like, you know, I'm committed. I do the things I say I'm gonna do. That's where my mindset's at at this point. Not he should listen. And I. He pushes all of my boundaries. There's nothing I can do. We're not going to a negative mindset. No. I'm still in a very empowered frame of mind, because I control me. I decide what I say. I decide what I do. I am a very powerful force, and I can stay in control of me and radiate an extremely influential energy around my kids. And really, anywhere that I am, I can radiate that kind of energy. And I know that, and you can, too. So, anyway, I stand up and I say, okay, bud, I'm gonna move your food to the table. Again, I'm not angry at him. I mean, I still feel angry that I. That he kicked Luke in the face. At this point, I still felt that. And I was becoming more aware of, like, my body language and how I didn't feel like connecting with him. Cause normally I'm really quick to just go give my kids a hug. Like, a hug. It just feels like a hug resets so many things. But for whatever reason, my body just did not want to do that, and I entertained that. So for 35 minutes. I'm not even kidding. For 35 minutes, it was back and forth. Liam was not even eating dinner at this point because we were going back and forth of me bringing his food over to the table, saying, this is where you're going to eat. Him crying and screaming for a couple minutes, stomping his feet swing, like, holding onto the counter and swinging under it, saying things to me like, you don't get to do that. Or, now you don't get to move my food. Like, you know how just kids say things when they feel upset? So he's doing all this. Sorry, I'm fidgeting. He's doing all this. And we're going back and forth. And again, it's probably, like, five times of me moving the food. He, like, comes over and says, I'm gonna move it back to the counter. I'm like, okay, do you know what happens if you move it back to the counter? He's like, you're gonna move it back to the table? Like, yeah, I'm going to move it back to the table. Because you're not eating at the counter tonight. You can eat at the counter tomorrow morning. I would love for you to try again tomorrow morning. So I'm still holding my boundary, right? He's freaking pushing hard, but I'm holding my boundary because it matters to me. It matters to me that I do the things I say I'm gonna do. So we go back and forth. And then throughout this, what I'm also saying to Liam, because he's saying, no, no, no, acting like it's completely unfair. He's the victim in all of this. He's done nothing wrong. He's totally innocent, blah, blah, blah, and going on and on and on. And what I do with my kids when they're in a state like that is I ask questions instead of it seeming like this very unfair thing, and I'm just over here saying, no, no, no, no, no. I try really hard to avoid saying no. And I just asked them, why. Why did I move your food to the table? Because I was putting my feet on the counter and spinning my chair. He knows the answer. He'll tell me. I'm like, yes, that's right. I moved your food to the table because that's what you were choosing to do. And it's not safe and it's not clean to have dirty feet on the counter. And at this point, I even offered, like, do you want to come sit next to me and eat your food? Because it'd probably been about 25 minutes. And I was just like, oh, man. Maybe it would just be better to just put his food back on the counter. He doesn't wanna sit next to me. He's throwing this huge fit. Luke's already in the bathtub right now with Marcus, and I am just, like, ready to call it a night. So I'm like, oh, should I just put it back on the counter? And again, this strong voice in my mind's like, no, no. Because after 25 minutes of this going on, what does it teach Liam if you put the food back on the counter? That all he has to do is throw this insane fit for 25 minutes and do this battle for me to give in. And maybe next time he's willing to do it for 35, 45, 55 minutes every time I give in. So this isn't an everyday thing. And I just looked at it in my mind, like, I can do anything for one night. And I. That's one of my favorite mindset pieces to go back to. Like, if my kids are struggling with sleep, if they are having a really hard time, like, I can do anything for one hour. If I don't feel like working out, I can do anything for 30 minutes. Whatever it is that I just feel like I need to push myself into doing, I can do anything for X, Y, Z. And it helps me so much. Maybe it'll help you. But anyway, luck would have it. The universe was like, let me freaking help her get out of this cycle. That isn't working because really, it's me. I was not preventing. I was not presenting a solution that would get us out of this state. Like, changing that energy. Like, what I did with Luke, I wasn't doing that with Liam. I was just staying stuck in what was happening. And, you know, I Was keeping my boundaries, sure, but I wasn't like being helpful either. So again, I'm proud of what I did and I can reflect and learn more without shaming myself. And that's nothing that I teach you in my 12 week course. All about shame. Shame, resilience, healing your past. Shame. It's so important. So luck would have it, the universe decided, let me freaking help her out because she just needs something to shake her mind up a little bit and get rattled out of the position that I was in. And Drew pooped. So Drew poops. I'm holding him. We'll try and eat my dinner. Liam's throwing this 35 minute bit and I tell him, I'm like, oh, Drew pooped. I'm going to go change his diaper. I'll be right back. So it's like, I'm not leaving you. I'm not ignoring you as much as my body is saying, ignore him, give him the silent treatment, turn the cold shoulder. I'm not going to do that. I'm communicating with you. I'm walking away to go change his diaper. I'll be right back. So I go change Luke's diaper and. And while I was changing Luke's diaper, just being in that other room, I. I actually listened to Liam. Like, not just the words he was saying. You know, sometimes kids just say things because they feel upset, but the way he was saying it, the emotions he was expressing, the way he was breathing. I was just listening to him all by himself in the kitchen. I wasn't in there anymore. Luke wasn't in there. Marcus wasn't in there. No one was in the kitchen with him. And this is what he was doing. He got under the counter and he put his hands on his shoulders and tried to stand up, like to break the counter. Pretty much we have a quartz countertop. The kid isn't gonna break it. But when he was doing that, he was making these noises of like, stress and just energy being expended in a way that, you know, you just don't know what to do. So you just do something to try and get some feelings out. And for some people, maybe that's like hitting something or you're screaming or just the way that all this emotion's like bottling up inside of you and you don't know what to do with it. And when I heard him going like, like trying to like lift the counter up on his shoulders. I heard him doing that and my mind went back. Like, I didn't tell my mind to do this. But my mind went back to this time. I was probably about 13 years old. My little sisters were babies. I'm 13 years older than them. So baby babies. And they only maybe one of them was born at this time. And then my older sister, my mom, and then her ex husband now ex husband, my stepdad at the time, who I've shared a lot about that journey with you guys. That was extremely hard. So it was a very hard time for my life when I was especially 13 years old. And I remember my mom told me I needed to clean the kitchen. And I don't remember exactly why I felt so upset about it, but at 13 years old, I remember being in the kitchen, trying to clean it and having so many, like, thoughts about how no one understands me and I'm not loved, and no one cares about me. Everyone only cares about him. I don't even matter. And those hurtful thoughts, like, I've literally never told anyone this, but I was putting a knife away, and I remember, like, imagining putting the knife into my stomach. And I've never, like, oh, my gosh, I feel, like, so emotional saying that. So I've never struggled with, like, suicidal thoughts or I've never attempted suicide. So I'm not claiming that that's anything that I've ever tried. It's just where I was at in life at 13 years old, feeling so alone, feeling so much anger and abandonment and, like, nobody cares, and I'm invisible, like, feeling this way. And I remember I was, like, hyperventilating while I was cleaning and having just such a hard time. That's like a core memory for me, and it was so difficult. And again, I was just all alone. And when I heard Liam, my mind went back to that memory. And I haven't thought about that in, like, years and, like, years. But Liam triggered that memory for me, and when he did, my whole body just felt different. Like, my whole body felt different. It wasn't, like, cold and standoffish anymore. It's like, okay, I understand why I feel cold and standoffish. I understand why this feeling's here. I know the memory that my mind is playing in my mind now, and it's projecting it, and I'm replaying it. I'm reliving it, and that freaking sucks. And now I'm listening to my four and a half year old make those noises and express those emotions that I've had, too. And I know how hard those emotions are. So I finished changing Drew's diaper, and I walk back into the kitchen, literally this is probably like, two minutes of changing his diaper. And I feel completely different going back into the kitchen. And I decided that I was going to go take Drew to Marcus, who was giving Luke a bath at the time. So I just say, hey, can Drew come in here and hang out with you guys? Knowing, like, okay, Liam's still in the kitchen, having a hard time. So I lay him down on the rug, and he's just out there with them. And I go back into the kitchen, and I walk around. I stand in front of Liam, who is still just, like, his whole body is, like, tense, and he's clenching his fist, and the emotions are there, and the emotions that he doesn't know how to process, the emotions that he doesn't know how to name, the emotions that feel as if they completely take over you when you feel them, and then your mind goes wild. And at that age, do you really know what the thoughts are creating it all, or does it feel like a blur and confusion? Probably a blur in confusion. So he's having all these thoughts. Probably something like what I was thinking when I was 13 years old, and I just put myself in that position of, like, I remember what it feels like, and I know what I wish someone would have done for me. Do I love that he kicked his brother in the face? No. Do I love his past 35 minutes of behavior? No. But did I handle it in the absolute best way possible? No. There's. I mean, there's always a better way. We can do it, right? I'm so proud of me. But I let that go on for 35 minutes, the back and forth, moving the food from the table to the counter. Like, I entertained that cycle because I wasn't catching myself. And I'm grateful that I got to step away just for two minutes to change a diaper and then come back and say, like, oh, wow, I see what's happening now. So I go, and my. My body's still feeling, like, a little bit cold. Like, oh, ignoring would be the easier thing. Shutting down be the easier thing. Let's just shame him. Because that's. That's the way I was raised. And I decided, no. I go in front of him, and he's all tense, and I get down and I kneel in front of him, and I just wrap my arms around him. I didn't say a single word. I just wrapped my arms around him. I didn't talk because I didn't really know what to say right then and there. I didn't know what the best thing would be. To say, But I knew that a hug can make a difference, and it always makes a difference for Liam. Liam is totally like a physical touch kid. He wants to hold my hand, sit on my lap, give me a hug. And as my oldest, I'm holding a baby all day. I mean, most of the day I'm holding a baby, right? Like, Liam's not getting so many opportunities to sit on my lap, and that's hard for him. It's hard to be the oldest, oldest. It's hard to grow up. And you're used to sitting on your mom's lap for books, but now Drew's laying next to me when you read books. Luke is in my lap, and Liam is kind of like on my leg or sitting next to me, still very close, but it's different. It's different. It's so important, I believe, for us to value that difference and how hard it is to grow up and the changes they experience, as subtle as they may seem, to not be on mom's lap anymore and to be on her leg or in front of her instead of. And Liam loves to eat his meals on my lap. He doesn't get that opportunity very much anymore, as I'm holding a baby while I'm eating my food, right? And I can be better about giving him those opportunities very intentionally. I just haven't been prioritizing it. So that's an area for me to focus on as his mother. But right now, giving him that hug and he just. His whole body. You guys collapsed into me. Just softened, right? At that point. Just softened. Like, the emotions finally felt heard. Like, oh, she gets it. Yes, my mom is here. And the first thing I said to him was, I love you. I love you. He stood up, tell him I love him. And he's crying, and he says, can I please eat my French toast at the counter? So sweet. It just makes your mommy heart want to say, yes, of course. And I said, no. I said, no, not tonight. But I would love to make you French toast in the morning, and you can eat that French toast at the counter, because I know that you're going to sit there and we're not going to spin the chair. We're not going to put our feet at the counter. We're just going to enjoy sitting at the counter and eating French toast. But what you can do is come sit on my lap. Would you like to come sit on my lap and eat your French toast? Drew's with dad. I'm going to sit down and finish eating my dinner, and I would like for you to sit on my lap if you want to. And you know what he said? Yes, I want to sit on your lap. I didn't break my boundary, but I also didn't allow my boundary to divide us. It's not me against him. The boundary's point is to protect me and respect him and also protect him. He's a child. So I'm putting these boundaries in place because I care about the hygiene, I care about his safety. Spinning and spinny chairs at the counter. Right? The boundary isn't there to teach him a lesson or punish him or create distance between the two of us. That's not the point of a boundary. Boundaries actually make relationships better because we now we're better able to navigate who are you as a person and what, how can I best show up for you, what do you need from me? And when you're able to communicate your boundaries effectively, all of your relationships improve. And that's again what I teach you how to do in my 12 week course. Mind body alignment. Because you have to know who you are if you're going to set effective boundaries and really keep them. You have to know who you are because they're going to get pushed. And having personal boundaries is the most effective boundaries for you to have. You don't need everyone else to understand your boundary. You need to understand your boundary. Like I said, like, I know why I'm doing this because I do the things I say I'm going to do. And if I say I'm going to do that, I'm going to follow through even if it gets hard, even if it'd be easier to put the food back at the counter. I'm doing this because it matters to me. And anyway, so Liam gets to come eat dinner on my lap. And his whole mood changed. My whole mood changed. Like when I gave him a hug, I felt my whole body soften too. Remember I was feeling like just cold and disconnected and like I was feeling the anger so strongly that I wanted to go back to like those comfortable behaviors of just shutting down and ignoring because it's easier than being vulnerable and communicating. So I felt that. But I'm so proud of myself for not acting on it, not staying in that place. And I know it's possible for you too. It's not about being perfect. It's not about having it all figured out. It's about allowing yourself to learn the skills and tools so you can finally start going in the direction you want to go in so you can handle conflict and circumstances in a way that you feel proud of. Like, I love who I am showing up to this conflict and circumstance. And when you slip out of alignment, you know how to help yourself there, too. You can learn from it. Like me going back and forth with the freaking tote French toast at the table in the countertop. Did I have to do that so many times? No. I could have broken that cycle a lot sooner, and I didn't. So that's my area of improvement as a mother. But I'm really glad that I didn't go back to ignoring, shaming, criticizing, yelling. I'm really glad that I didn't do that. But we're all always learning and growing. So as Liam was on my lap, he's just talking to me about. We had just played with silly string before, so now he's talking to me about the silly string, and I'm like, you know, bud, I've got to tell you, I love you so much. He goes, oh, I love you too, mom. And I'm like, I love Luke so much, too. I love you and Luke so much. And baby Drew, I love all three of you so much. And when one of you gets hurt, part of me feels really hurt because I want to keep you safe. And I love you all so much. And he says, you, heart hurts. I was like, yeah, part of my heart hurts when you get hurt when Luki hits you, oh, man, I don't like it. And when you kick Luke in the face, man, I don't like it because I love you guys so much. I don't want you to get hurt like that. So I asked him, why did you kick Luke in the face? And we're both very calm at this point. We've had lots of connection. He knows I love him. He's sitting on my lap while we eat dinner together. And I asked him, why did you kick Luke in the face? He told me, Luke walked by and hit me. I'm like, okay, okay. Luke walked by and hit you. Hurt people, hurt people, right? Luke's hurting, so he walks by and hits Liam. Liam's hurting now, so he goes and hurts Luke. My job as their mother is to model this example and to truly teach them how to take their hurt and heal it so they're no longer projecting it. We don't need to be the hurt people, hurting people. We can be the healed people, healing people. And even when someone else does try to hurt you, right, Walks up and punches you or says something hurtful, or your spouse says, you know, a comment or you read something on social media, Your boss says something, whatever. When you are feeling hurt, you're still the healed person healing your own hurt so that you don't take it out on someone else. You don't take it out on your kids after that long day at work. You don't take it out on your spouse when the kids have had a difficult time with you. Right? And you've been going through these hard circumstances. You're not taking out on other people because you're so busy healing, you're looking internally at what you're doing. And that's the best work that we can do. So now I know Luke punched Liam. Liam kicked Luke in the face. And it's not about who's hard is harder. All hard is valid. But now I have more understanding to the context. Like, okay, that's what happened. That's what triggered you. So I asked him, what do you think you could do next time if Luke walks up and hits you? What? What's something you can do? He said, be kind. As if he's heard that like a million and five times from me. And I'm like, yeah, yes, we can be kind. But how? What is a kind thing to do if Luke walks up and hits you? He said, I could say, I don't like that. Yes, you could say, I don't like that. You could also tell Luke, please don't do that. You can also come tell mom, hey, Luke, hit me. And I really don't like that. And we can find new ways to talk to each other, but if you kick Luke, you're going to teach Luke to kick you. And if you hit Luke, you're going to teach Luke to hit you. And what we really want to do is to teach Luke how to do something different. Just like right now, I'm teaching Liam how to do something different. So, guys, I am no parenting expert by any means, but I truly apply everything that I teach you, especially inside of my 12 week course, to my parenting. I would not identify as a gentle parent or whatever all the freaking XYZ names are for parenting. What kind of parent are you? I am the best freaking mom that I can be. That's how I identify that right there. I am trying my darndest and I show up and I'm freaking proud of me. And I'm the best mom for my kids. That's how I identify. Conscious parenting, gentle parenting. I mean, gosh, go learn all the rules in their book. What it means, what it looks like, what you need to do. What about your intuition as a mother? What about Just focusing on how you're showing up, what you're teaching your kids, the type of mindset you're demonstrating to them, the behaviors you're showing them, the activities you prioritize with them, the way you speak to them. What about just focusing on that instead of learning about the rules of everything and everyone else? Follow your intuition. Trust your mom gut that knows when you're out of alignment with the mom you want to be. I could feel it. I could feel being out of alignment with the mom I want to be. If I have the urge to ignore, I know that's out of alignment with the mom I want to be. It's not because, oh, I'm a gentle parent, I need to do this. No, it's because I know that's not the freaking mom that I am. That is me projecting my past behaviors that I learned through my own hardship. And I certainly don't want to give my kids hardship as well, like what I experienced. So that they instill these behaviors and patterns and mindsets as well. I don't want that for them. And I, I don't want it for you. I don't want it for your kids. I don't want it for me. I want us to all be healing together. So in my 12 week course, teach you about your identity. I went back to my identity. I know who I am. Focusing on my mindset. I know how to create thoughts that serve me. Focusing on shame. Did I handle everything perfectly? No. But gosh dang, I'm doing a great job. And this is an area that I wanna continue improving on so that I don't let a pattern go on back and forth, back and forth, back and forth for so long. Cause I do control that. Right? And focusing on self forgiveness and self love and my own expectations and boundaries. Like I know how to do all those things and they all served me last night, all of them expectations instead of like, I did not feel angry that Liam was fighting me on it for 35 minutes. Because my expectation was as soon as I move this plate to the table, he's going to have a very hard time. My expectation was not he's going to accept that I moved his plate to the table and just eat in peace at the table. No, that's not my expectation because I know my son, he's not gonna do that. Maybe one day you will, but not today. Right? So that's, I mean, expectations are so important. So I again am inviting you to come join me inside of my 12 week course. I only host it twice. A year. And I promise you this New Year's group is my most incredible offer that I've ever put together. It's not only me coaching you every single week and you getting to experience what it feels like to go through material that serves you, watching the video modules, using the PDF material to walk you through what it is that you need to do for your self discovery work, the right questions to ask yourself, how to open up your mind to go to those past experiences. I'm going to teach you how to do all that and then you meet with me twice a week for coaching sessions that are just a resource for you to come ask me your questions. You don't have to be on. You're not going to, I mean fail the whole course if you miss one or anything. I record them and I keep them available because when you have a question, I want to support you. I want you to know that I'm there. So twice a week I show up for you and I let the group vote on what day and time those coaching sessions are so I wouldn't be able to tell you what they are right now. Another amazing offer that I have is twice monthly breathwork sessions with a licensed breathwork professional. She's absolutely incredible. She's also coming to my retreat Revive this February, but I asked her to please come like do some service for us in mind body alignment as well. So twice a month she's going to teach you how to focus on your breath work which is incredible for releasing trauma, regulating your nervous system, getting back into alignment with your body and feeling safe and at peace and love and joy and gratitude when you're truly breathing correctly and getting yourself out of that fight or flight. So she's an incredible resource that we have going on. And you also have a one year membership. You heard that right. A one year membership to the ultimate women's feature fitness app available to you like hands down, it's the freaking best. My friend Andrea, when I was in Hawaii, we met together just the last day that I was there and I was like, man, I really want to kind of do my challenge different. My, my 12 week course different. This time she's like, yeah, I want to do my challenge different. I really want to bring the mindset and I'm like, I want to offer more nutrition exercise. So we decided to partner together and bring it all in together. So you get a one year membership to her app and that's access to at home workouts, in gym workouts, all of the nutrition help and guidance that you could Possibly need and ask for. She has meal prep classes, she runs six week challenges throughout the year. Absolutely incredible. And all of that is going to be available to you inside of mind body alignment. And I'm so grateful that I get to partner with her. And on top of that, of course, I have other surprises for you as well. But I just want you to prioritize what matters most to you right now. Staying comfortable, continuing to create and pursue the feelings that are comfortable for you. Like for me, that anger is so comfortable. The silent treatment, pulling back, so comfortable. My body's like, I could live here. And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. We have spent a very long time getting out of that, and we're coming out of it right now, right now. So I wanna teach you how to do that too. So inside of mind body alignment, you get to learn how to do that. But right now, you have to ask yourself, what matters most? And what is life going to look like one year from now if you don't do it? If you don't learn about who you are, how to heal your past, how to build a mindset that supports you and heal your shame. If you don't learn how to truly love yourself, forgive yourself, and set your own boundaries and control your expectations, what is life going to look like? So please give mind body alignment a sincere consideration and ask me any questions that you have when it comes to the course. I'm more than happy to answer them for you. And I'm so, so excited to see you inside of the course. We kick things off. January 1st. We kick things off. So I hope to see you there. Enrollment is open December for journaling. Just a second. For my journaling course, your enrollment closes on December 10th. And for open enrollment, everyone else, if you don't have the journaling course, it's the 11th through the 22nd, so you have that window to enroll. And then after that, we are just smooth sailing, getting ready to go into the course. And Liam would like to have a second to say something to you guys.

Now, can you get all that big things gone?

Nope. That would be the whole podcast that I just recorded. So we're gonna keep that there. But you can say something if you want.

I'm gonna start about saying, this is my microphone right there.

Look, tell me it's going.

Okay. This is my first trust. If you guys don't have the drawing force. And me, I'm mate Liam. I'm the smartest kid punching nose upstairs. And.

That was amazing.

Ambitions are ambitious and sharks eat fishy poke. Yeah, there we go.

Four and a half. Guys, he just told you about the journaling course and he just told you that he is a smart kid and he is four and a half. You are so smart and you are so kind and I'm so proud of you. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.