4. 3 Experiences That Showed Me I Needed to Heal

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to help teach you all the skills, tools, and encouragement that you need to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be while going through a healing journey that allows you to build a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so glad that you're here. Let's get started. Oh, my gosh, you guys. Wow. Just wow. I don't know if you can, like, hear the excitement in my voice behind all the congestion that I'm battling, but Mind Body Alignment, early enrollment opened up this morning and you guys are showing up, and I cannot wait to work directly with you and help you through that journey of self discovery and healing. And this is the most accessible that my program has ever been available. And I'm just so excited. Like, I'm so, so, so excited. So I hope you're taking advantage of this. It's only available to the first 100 women. And, you know, you deserve this spot. You deserve to work on yourself. And I'm going to help you. See during this podcast episode maybe some signs that you find that you are resonating with, or you're like, oh, my gosh, that's me too. Because I wanted to talk about when I knew personally that I needed to work on myself, that everyone else was not actually the problem like I thought they were. It was me. And once you kind of hit that point in your life and in your mind and your healing journey and you just come to this point of realization, like, I'm the one becoming offended. I'm the one not setting boundaries. I'm the one pulling back or being guarded or like just doing all these things or lashing out. You're the person doing that. No one can make you do these things. So I was going to share a few stories with you in hopes that it just helps to open up your heart to the possibility of healing and change. Because I know it can sound really intimidating, like, do I really want to work on myself right now? Do I want to get on this whole journey of self discovery and healing? Because it sounds really complicated and it is like, it is. It's a roller coaster and it's messy, but everything beautiful in life is messy. And it has its roller coaster moments. Like, how are you supposed to learn and grow if you're never on the downside of things? If you never. If things are just perfect all the time? You would never have the opportunity to Continue growing. So yes, it's messy, yes, it's not going to be like straightforward perfect all the time. But it is so much help. More helpful when you have that roadmap to follow the entire time. And that's why I have mind body alignment for you. That's why I created the roadmap. So let's talk about stories. I think stories are such a great way to help you guys see that I have not always had my mind together. I still struggle with it at times. I haven't always had my mind together. I haven't always had my emotions like in check and been able to regulate myself like not at all. So one story I remember, I don't even know if Marcus remembers this, but we were probably only married like a year and we didn't have kids until we were three years married. Liam was born three and a half years from our anniversary, like our marriage date, whatever. And I remember we were probably married for about a year and we got in this argument. And I have no idea what the argument was about. I mean, guys, this was like six years ago now, if it wasn't our first year of marriage, possibly five years ago, which I'm telling you, I've been on this journey for five years, like actually knowing what I'm doing. Five years. I tried before that and I had no idea what I was doing. But I remember him. And I got in this argument and I just felt so out of control with myself. I had no idea how to regulate how to regulate myself. And Marcus actually ended up leaving our house because I know that I was like name calling, shutting down. And Marcus is a super level headed person, so he's not just gonna like sit and listen to these things. So he was, he like walked out the garage to go to the car. And I remember just feeling like that's it, you know, I'm pushing my own husband away. My marriage is going to fall apart because of me, because I can't get my crap together. And I just hated myself in that moment. And I remember I dropped to my knees, I got in the fetal position on the floor and I just started screaming, like screaming as loud as I could. And Marcus came back inside because he heard me screaming, which was not the plan. I thought he was gone, wasn't going to hear me. He came back inside and we just had this super vulnerable moment where he was like, I never want you to feel like you have to get to that place, like, how can we get you feeling better and communicating and really working on these things. And I'M just like, I don't know. Like, I don't know how to do this. And that was one of, like, the big turning points for me where I was like, I'm not showing up as the wife that I want to be, and I don't deserve to feel this way and to feel so out of control and hate myself. And my husband doesn't deserve this kind of treatment. He didn't do anything that deserved anything that I was saying. I used to be so, like, quick to the tongue and saying really hurtful things. So that was one example of when I was like, okay, I really need to, like, pull in another example, I remember I. Anytime I had any kind of, like, phone conversation or conversation in general with my mom, we both ended up screaming at each other. Then we would say super, super hurtful things. And I'm just being completely honest with you guys. Like, I've come a long way and so is she. And I'm really just. I'm proud of both of us, but it's taken a lot of, like, development individually for us to be able to come together and full ownership of myself. But I remember every time we would have a phone call, we would end up screaming each other. I would say these mean things to her and obviously, like, really, really hurt her because I'm her daughter saying these terrible things. And she would say mean things, too, and not hurt because she's my mom saying these mean things. And I remember Marcus saying, like, don't you feel like it would be so much easier for you and on you if you guys could just, like, resolve these things? Mind you, my husband, again, is a freaking saint. Like, he comes from a wonderful family with a wonderful history. He's never done anything wrong in his entire life. And I tease that. I've done enough wrong to cover the both of us. And if our kids ever need anything, they'll just trust me for the real life advice. Because I've. I've done it all. And, you know, I used to be ashamed of that, and I'm just not. I'm not. And that's something that I coach you through my program is that shame piece. Because if you are feeling defined by your shame and you're hiding from it and you're armoring up with anger, like I was doing. I was taking that anger out of my husband, which I really didn't want to do because he was literally my fairy tale person. And I was taking it out of my mom, which I did want to do, but I only wanted to do that because Hurt people. Hurt people. I don't take things out on my mom anymore. I don't take things out on anyone anymore. Occasionally, Marcus gets the short end of the stick and I have to, like, pull in real quick because, again, I'm always working on myself. But he made that comment about, like, don't you think it'd be easier if you, like, were able to resolve this with your mom? And I'm like, yeah, but she makes me scream at her and she makes me say these things, and she makes me get to this point where I just have no option but to just shut down and then we don't talk again for a few months. Like, she makes me do all these things. And when I was saying that over and over and over, she makes me. She makes me. She makes me, she makes me. And this was before Liam was born, or I'm trying to remember, guys. I think it was four years ago. This, this. It was a Christmas time four years ago. And I just kept saying over and over, like, she makes me, she makes me, she makes me. And I'm like, what kind of life is that, that people, other people have this control over me to make me yell, to make me say terrible things, to make me shut down, to make me act out of, like, out of complete alignment with the type of mother that I want to be. I'm pretty sure Liam was six months old at this point, and I was just having a really hard time, but I just. I didn't want that. Like, I didn't want to feel like other people had that kind of control over me. And it just clicked for me that moment. Like, how does she make you, though? And I'm telling you, like, it kind of just shifted things for me where I never say people make me anymore. My kids don't make me yell. If I ever yell, I made the decision to yell. And I'm not proud of those decisions. But when I accept it as like, okay, I chose to do that, now I need to choose to do something different, I can handle that. But if it's you guys made me yell, well, then they can make me yell again. And I don't want that. So that's like, it's totally mindset stuff here. If you're not picking up on that, but it turns into healing. Because it can't just be the mindset of knowing can make you. It has to be the healing that follows it. So. So you have this deep rooted belief of, I know who I am. I'm building a mindset that supports me. Any urge That I have to say something hurtful to someone. I'm going to keep my mindset in check, exercise my will to be stronger than my programming and become the person I want to be. By time I'm done, no one's going to recognize me. That's the kind of, like, spirit I want you to feel just surrounding me right now. No one's going to recognize me. I'm going to be exactly who I want to be. And it's going to be the best version of myself. And I'm going to have full ownership and complete control over. Over me. Even if it means sometimes I slip out of alignment, I make a decision that I'm not proud of. And anything like that, you can work with that you can forgive yourself. And guess what? Enroll in mind body alignment. I'll teach you who you are. I'll show you how to build a mindset that supports you. I will douse out your shame with any kind of, like, dirt. You know, you put dirt on fires or water or whatever it needs for you to see. Like, this is controllable. Like, we can resolve this. Because I was listening, this is kind of a side note, but I was listening to a song today. I think I took a screenshot of it. Let me look on the notes of my. My camera roll. It was by, let me see, Lauren Daigle. It's called Loyal and it's in her album, how can it Be? She's so good. She's so good. But she was just talking about, like, no matter what. And I can't remember if it's this song exactly. I was playing, like, the whole Pandora station, but it was talking about, like, no matter what you do, you're always worthy of love and belonging. Like, you always belong here and you're always gonna receive that love. So long as you're willing to accept you're never too far gone. You're always going to be a son, you're always going to be a daughter. Those things don't change no matter what you do. And I just think that's such a special, like, mentality to have. But it has to start from you. Like, I can give you all of the mindset swaps all day long. I can tell you about the impactful moments in my own healing journey. And when I finally figured out, like, oh, my gosh, I'm saying that people make me do these things. I am not treating my husband the way that I want to treat him. Not even the way that he deserves, but the way I actually want to treat him. It Starts with deeper healing. It's not just a mindset. And that's why my coaching program, we take healing and self discovery together so that you can build the skills and tools for this to be sustainable and you can seriously reflect back on this program. You keep it for life. You could do it every four months, you could stick like, stick with it every three months. You start it over, do a once a year, check in whatever you want to do, like this is for you. But those were some like two of the biggest impactful moments for me. But I remember this, this one's a huge one and I wanted to save it for last because it's a little bit longer of a story. But if you're not familiar with my story, I mentioned this several times. Like my mom's ex husband was, he just struggled with pedophilia. And I don't know if you guys have noticed that shift in language, but I realized it today. I was like, I keep calling him a pedophile and that's not a healthy thing for him to identify with. And I honestly don't want him to identify with that if it's something that he still struggles with. I don't know. But at any point in time I don't want people to identify with their obstacles and their struggles and their illness. I don't want that for anybody. No matter what they've done to me, I just don't want that. And I started crying in my car today because I was like, I did that to him and that is just a really hurtful thing to do to somebody. And again, I can walk myself through this. I can give myself the self forgiveness to know like I was doing the very best I could. I've just been trying to share my story to raise awareness but also bring healing to people. And I didn't understand what I was saying at the time. I just didn't catch it. But I caught it today. I can't remember what I was thinking about and I was just driving, you know, your mind wanders a bit. And I was like, I've got to change that language. Like that's not who he is. And I do wish the best for him. And you know, I, I hope that he's overcome the obstacles that he's faced in his life. Because like I said just a few minutes ago, guys, we're all worthy of love and belonging. We were all born as innocent babies that just loved ourselves and we loved others and we were so joyful about the world. And then some, something happened to us. Something happened and that's why that love just kind of like, it gets trapped under all the anger and resentment and hurt and hate and like, all of it. And it's. It's so heartbreaking. So I want healing for you so that you don't have to carry that anger and resentment. And once you let that anger, resentment just. It lets go of you. Like, it's not even about you letting it go. It lets go of you. And then you're just like, you feel that relief that comes with you. You just feel lighter. I want that for you so that you don't have to waste your time wishing ill on anybody. And if I can do that, I mean, you guys seriously should have seen me seven years ago. I wish you could have seen me 10 years ago, even five years ago when I was just starting out. Like, I wish so badly you could have seen me then. But you know, I didn't have the vulnerability and courage to show up this way and to talk about these things that I was struggling with in the moment. And I didn't even know what I was doing at the time. I've said that so many times. I did not know what I was doing. Now I know exactly what was falling together because I'm able to reflect with a lot of observation and say, oh my gosh, like, I didn't even know. But let's talk about that story, the last one I wanted to share with you when I realized, like, oh man, I'm the problem. I am the one hiding my own obstacles and just blaming other people. And that would make it so that I am not helping myself heal. I'm waiting for someone else to do it and no one else is going to do it. So. Right. Most people don't even know how to heal themselves. How the frick are they going to heal you or me? How is my mom that's fighting with her daughter saying the same mean things back and forth, going to heal me? She's. If she hasn't healed herself, she's not going to heal me. Right? Healed people heal people. Hurt people hurt people. Okay? And again, I wish my mom all the best. I wish her ex husband all the best. And my mom and I are in a much better place now, and I'm so grateful for that. But it's taken us a long time and a lot of work and effort and I can. I can own up to my wrongdoings too. But I think she's wonderful and has absolutely done the best she could throughout her entire life. It's incredible. Like, the more I find out about her life, I'm like, oh my gosh. Like I have to reforgive myself over and over. I'm like, oh yeah, and that one thing, yeah, I need to forgive myself for doing that too. But anyway, back to the story. So this was. Oh my gosh, you guys. So, so bear with me here. I'm. I don't know if you can hear this rustling. That's how you know I'm in my closet. I have my notebook right here. I'm going to share this with you guys. So I have the exact date down on June 11th of 2019. So literally two and a half years ago. This isn't five years ago, this is two and a half years ago I did this. So it was, it was in March of 2019. My mom's ex husband called my older sister and he told her that he was sorry for everything that he's done to her and to us. Like he just apologized for everything and told her. And my sister, she ended up calling me. I think it was two days later. And she. And I'm. And we talk all the time. She's literally my best friend, so I didn't think anything of it. I'm like, hey, what's up? And she's like, you won't even believe this. And I was like, oh my gosh. What? Like, tell me the drama. And she's like, he just called and told me he was sorry for everything. Out of, out of the clear friggin blue. She hasn't talked to him. I haven't talked to him. He just called and said he was sorry for everything. And I'm like, really? Wow. I'm like, how do you feel? And she's like, I don't know. It's like, oh, okay. And at this point, I've been working on myself a little bit. Liam was born June 2018. So Liam was about to turn one year old. And I told you guys, I started working on myself when I, when I got pregnant with Liam because I was like, you know, I can't be the mom I want to be and hang on to this anger. So it had been a year of me trying to work on myself and now Liam was about to be a year old. I'm so glad I have this date in front of me. It really, really helps. But I was like, how do you feel? And she was like, I don't know how to feel. She's like, are you okay? And I'm like, I'm fine. I was like, why do I care that he Called you. I don't care. I hate him. Like, I. I don't care. I'm happy for you, and I don't care. Like, super. Just, like, short and defensive and, like, snappy about it. And I didn't even. I don't even think I realized what I was doing at the time, but I was like, yeah, I'm happy for you. This is awesome. Good for you. And hopefully he's coming to a better place now. I don't know. But I want nothing to do with him. And then we, like, got off the phone, and it was the next two days that I realized I don't feel angry right now about this. And it just, like, kept replaying in my mind. Like, he called her. He called her. Well, why did he call her? And he didn't call me? And, like, that story started creating in my mind because I was not controlling my thoughts or staying intentional for this. And I created this story in my mind that I was not good enough or worthy of his apology, and that's why he called her and not me, because I'm a terrible person and she's not. And that was what I just. I believed about it. And obviously, telling myself that I felt really sad that I wasn't I'm not good enough is how I felt, which is obviously a lot of shame there, too, because I'm shaming, like, who I am as a person. Not just behaviors or things that I've done. It's who I am as a person. So I remember I called my sister back, like, two days later, and I was like, hey, I know I told you that, like, I don't care that he called you. But, like, the more I sit with this, I really care. Like, I feel so sad. And I was like, I don't even know who to talk to or, like, what to do right now, because for so long, I've, Like, I've just thought that I was angry, and this. I know what anger feels like, and it's not anger. Like, I truly just feel really, really hurt and really, really sad. And she was like, well, I think that makes sense. And I was like, how does that make sense? I've hated him for this long. How do I just go from hate to sadness? Which, at that time, I didn't understand that, like, anger was a secondary emotion. Okay, so it makes more sense now. But she was like, tessa, you loved him. And I was like, stop lying right the second. Like, you're not gonna say terrible things about me right now. I'm already hurt. You don't need to say terrible things like, that's not true. I did not love a pedophile is how I worded it. And that was my shame. My shame just, like, rose to the surface that I didn't even know was there. I did not know it was there. And it just rose to the surface, and I was like, oh, my gosh, that's like, an awful thing to think about myself. And I didn't even realize that. And I took, like, arguing with my sister. She goes, yes, you did love him. You asked him to adopt you. You guys had a way closer relationship than him, and I did. You guys did everything together. And literally, he was everything you've ever wanted in a dad. And I really never cared about having another dad after our dad passed away. But you have always been fixated on this idea, which is true. I'll have to show you guys at some point. I have Christmas letters from when I was 6 years old and 7 years old of asking Santa to bring me a dad for Christmas after my dad passed away. So, like, this is important because it makes sense why I loved him. It makes sense when I put those things together. And that's how I've been able to build shame resilience and own my story, is making sense of things. And that's what I coach you through, step by gentle step in my coaching program, because you have to know who you are before you go on this journey. I wish so freaking badly someone would have helped me pull in my identity before I started digging through all this thinking, like, I'm a terrible person. I'm not a terrible person. I'm a really great person. But that's. I kind of went about everything backwards. And I think that's what it. What made it so much harder and longer and messier and tons of resistance is what it felt like because it was backwards. But I still did it. And I've just, like, made it way better for you guys going through it. And I'm telling you, I've walked these steps. I know what it feels like to not be who you want to be. I know. I know because I've lived through it. And to do things out of alignment with who you want to be and then shame yourself for it. Feel like you can never change and you don't love yourself and you have a terrible mindset and terrible thoughts about yourself and your life. Like, I know. And that's why I created this program, is because I learned through my coaching, through my workout community, that I wasn't alone. And once I knew I wasn't alone. I was like, oh, well, I can help you with that. Like, I just helped myself with that. And it's just kept me on this healing journey because I'm helping you and I'm helping me. And I have not heard one person's story that involves their shame that I've been afraid of, never. Because I just see you as like, the innocent baby. And then it. And now you're telling me what happened to the innocent child within you, and then we just, like, make things make sense and it's like, oh, my gosh, like, that's so hard for you to go through. But anyway, going back to the story with my sister, she had said all those things, you know, you loved him, all these things. And I was like, I just. I was quiet on the phone. And I just remember feeling so emotional, Like, I knew she was right. I didn't want her to be right. I didn't want to accept that. But it honestly felt a tiny bit of relief, too, to hear it from her so that I didn't have to feel like this terrible person anymore, thinking, oh, my God, I loved him. That's so awful. Oh, my God, I loved him. And it makes a lot of sense why this hurt so badly when things went south with him and there was so much hurt there, and all these terrible things continued. Like, it makes sense why it hurt me so deeply. Like, all hurt is valid. And my sister and I have talked about this, how it kind of affected me differently than it affected her. And all of my hurt rose to the surface much sooner than it did for her. And everyone's unique, everyone's different in their journeys. But I'm so grateful for the role my sister plays in my life because, you know, she's. She's been with me through all the hard things. Our dad passing away, the difficulties with my mom, like our younger sisters and. And. And just everything. She's always been there. We. We don't always get along. And sometimes I say really uncalled for things, but she's my sister and I love her tremendously. And if she's ever listening to this podcast, I want her to know how much I love her. But anyway, so that happened in March. We had that conversation, and then I just. I pondered it for, like, three months, and I was like, okay, if I control how I feel about things, no one can make me mad if that's true. And if I feel hurt right now, and I'm not necessarily, like, angry about this stuff, like, it's actually hurt, okay? And If I control what I do next, what do I need to do next? And it just made sense to me, like, you got to take full ownership. You can't blame people anymore for who you are or what you're doing. You have to take full ownership. So I decided since he called her, I was going to call him. And I honestly, like, anytime I got the idea. I don't. I don't know, it just. It just felt like the thing that I had to do. Like, I could not shake the feeling. I could not get rid of the thought. I had to do it. As reluctant as I was to doing it, I just. I had to. And, you know, it was three months building up to it that I finally got myself to do it. And I remember I picked up the phone, and I still had his phone number memorized from when I was, you know, a child. And I just dialed the phone number, not even really knowing if it was still his same number, because I haven't talked to him in years. And I dialed his number, and it rang. And then he. He answered. And I was like, hello? And then he hung up. And I was like, what just happened? And then he called me back maybe like, three minutes later, and I said, hello? And he hung up again. And I was like, what is happening? But at that same time, my heart just felt so soft and vulnerable in this moment, because I had pondered this for three months. I was taking full ownership of myself. I had replayed the story in my mind over and over and over. I knew this was hurt, and I wasn't angry, and I didn' feel any anger, but my heart was in my stomach. My whole body felt like adrenaline was just pulsing through it. I wish I would have known how to regulate myself then, But I remember I just, like, sat there and I tried to, like, focus on my heartbeat and slowing it down. And there are way better ways I could have helped myself now knowing. But whatever. Did the best I could. And he texts me. He's like, hey, I'm at work. Can we talk tonight? And I was like, yeah, just call me when you're home from work tonight. And then I got Liam to bed that night. But I remember this is what I wanted to read to you guys. It's honestly three pages, three and a half pages. Are you guys up for it? Are you guys up for it? Three and a half pages. Let's read it. So on June 11, 2019, this was after. Okay, so I wrote it all down. This will make sense because it literally talks from the very beginning, so it will make sense. So let's dive in. Quotations start here. This is the journal I got the idea to call him during Liam's second nap. As I sat down to eat my salad and read, I promised myself I would do it. Yesterday I didn't because I forgot. Quote unquote. So this morning I committed to call to the call happening during Liam's second nap today. If you were to ask me even six months ago if I would ever consider calling him to relay my forgiveness towards him, sorrow for him, the answer would be hell no. And I even put in parentheses I don't cuss and that he deserves every ounce of a pathetic and painful life he lives. Ouch is what I wrote. But something has shifted in my mind over the last four months that is nothing short of fascinating. I used to think forgiveness is for you was the largest pile of junk on the planet for it made zero sense to me and I wasn't going to budge. Then he called Hannah and gave her a long overdue heartfelt apology all while I didn't get one. When she first told me, I was honestly so hurt and I felt less than I wanted that too and wasn't going to get it. Since then my terrible relationship with my mom has continued and I can feel that toxic resentment stash away throughout my body. All the crap I have no clue how to let go of. It has been over 10 years ago that it started over five. It has been since I've talked to him and seen him and yet I can't let go. Quote unquote. But something rocked my mind so hard this weekend and when I saw him on a video I became overwhelmed with heartbreaking sadness, sorrow, pity, empathetic wave of emotion that has since confused the crap out of me. How all caps can I feel this way in 2 seconds for someone that I have deeply despised for over 10 years? I'll be honest and right here how much I truly loved him and wanted so badly for him to adopt me and forever be my dad. That fact used to create so much shame in my mind and wrap around my body and cling to me. I wanted a perverted pedophile to adopt me. Insert the face, palm emoji. I can't believe I wrote all this. I didn't know it then. Of course more disappointing then that is. Even after everything he did to me and my family, I begged him to stay. It takes a long time to walk through that kind of emotional abuse. 10 years. Kind of long. I saw him on the video and quickly realized that he's not the same man he was 10 to 15 years ago. He's no longer tall, mighty and strong with a clear and confident voice. He's not spending loads of money on lake trips, camping, boating, four wheeling or swimming in the backyard pool. He wasn't funny in living the high life. The man I saw for two seconds in the video of him on a dock at the ocean was incredibly small, as if he lost a whole foot off of his stature. He looked tired, ashamed and dull, like the life had been sucked out of him. He sounded insecure and again ashamed. I saw that man and felt so bad that I started crying. I've held on to so much deep hurt and resentment for someone that hurt me more than I ever knew possible and this whole 10 years has been feeling that himself without me ever saying a single word to him. It's like he held that hatred too. After that video, I let myself release the enormous amount of hate and still felt so confused and emotionally overwhelmed. But yet a fresh wind of freedom, grace and mercy flooded into me. I forgive him. I forgive him for his mistakes, awful decisions and terrifying actions. I forgive him for not being the person I needed or thought he was. I forgive him for making me feel so ashamed of of ever loving him. I forgive myself and I am so truly sorry to him. I am sorry for holding on to anger and resentment against him for so long. I'm sorry. I never considered how deeply he could have been hurting and suffering too. I am finally free. Lastly, I decided to call him so I could share my apology directly to him and finally realize the relationship. Release the relationship. I have been white knuckling for so long. I remembered that I was supposed to call as I was reading my book and I instantly made my stomach tie into a very large, large bow tie. But I knew that if something makes me feel that way physically, then nine times out of 10 it should be done. I proceeded to pick up my phone and press the dial pad and instantly my heart started pounding to my chest cavity. Then I bailed and opened Instagram. Nope, I am not going to be afraid. I cannot be hurt by someone whom I have forgiven and released. I quickly dialed his number and counted to five before pressing call. Still stomach turning, heart pounding, arms are numb and my lips felt cold as I gently purse them together in anticipation of a voice coming through the other end. I took deep breaths knowing that this forgiveness and given apology is for me. It's for me. As I let go of the toxic emotions, grow as a person and become a better example to those around me. The phone finally stops ringing and goes to a voicemail. I hung up. I went straight to a blank text, inserted his number and wrote, hey Dan, it's Tessa. I'd like to talk for a few minutes when you have a chance and can call me back. Send no reply. I wonder if maybe he saw my call and recognized my number and felt the same physical symptoms as I did, but couldn't answer because he hasn't grown in the way that I have. I am still sorry to him and for me. I forgive him and myself. I am releasing the resentment, anger and our relationship. About an hour later, I received a call back from him. Feeling a rush of adrenaline, I forced myself to answer hello. He immediately hung up. Maybe hearing my voice terrified him. I got a text from him right after that, said, I'm at work now, but I can call you back this evening. I took a nervous breath and replied, okay, I'm free after 7pm Honestly, I didn't want to talk that evening because saying my apology in front of Marcus felt harder than doing it alone. He called me at 7:40 that night. Marcus and I were sitting on our couch together. I said, hi Dan. I know this seems random, but I have been working on myself a lot recently and I've come to realize that staying angry at you doesn't serve either one of us. I just needed you to know that I'm sorry for holding on to so much anger and resentment against you and that I'm not angry anymore. The first thing he said back to me made me feel a rise and wanted to get defensive. He replied, I appreciate that and I've been waiting for this phone call for a long time. Okay, that's where my journal ended. But I can tell you guys how the phone call went if you're listening to me cry on my podcast. Thank you for being here and holding space for me. I have not read that. You know. Oh my gosh. I don't even. I have no idea. I have no idea how when the last time I read that was. But anyway, I'm just so proud of myself. I want to Before I tell you about the rest of my phone call, I'm so proud of myself. I mean, even just from how much I've grown from June 11, 2019 to now. It's incredible. And this is why I want this for you. I'm not guaranteeing quick fixes and easy outcomes and fast results. Nothing like that. I just want you to have the roadmap. I want to walk you through it the first time and then I Want you to keep doing it. Don't stop, Keep doing it so that way you can write down things in your journal, look at, look back at it two and a half years later and say, oh, my God, that was so well written and I did such a great job. And look at me just like making these connections on a piece of paper that I didn't even know I was capable of doing. I want that for you. So after he said, I appreciate that, and I've been waiting for this phone call for a long time, I did feel very defensive. And I responded with, well, I'm actually calling because you called Hannah a few months ago and you apologized to her for everything and you never called me. And when you never called me, I felt like I wasn't worthy of an apology or deserving of that type of, you know, acceptance from you. And that hurt so badly that I needed to figure it out. And he said, no, no, no. Like, I remember he was like, no, no, no. Like, clearly just so hurt. Like, he didn't want that. He didn't want me to think that about myself. And I could. I could just feel it. And he said, I didn't call you because I was worried that if I called you, you would have cussed me out and hung up and told me to go to hell. And I sat and I thought for a second, knowing, like, okay, he's hurting too. Like, he's holding on to this too. Remember that whole. I just read you guys my whole journal. I saw him on that video for two seconds and everything changed. And I. And I said, like. He said, no, I didn't. Like, that wasn't the intention at all. I just thought you were going to act this way. And I thought about it and I'm like, yeah, you're right, I probably would have, because if you didn't call Hannah first, I wouldn't have made these realizations myself. I wouldn't have had to feel this way. The emotions wouldn't have surfaced, the thoughts wouldn't have come, the connections wouldn't have been made, and this would have ended completely differently. And we ended up having a 12 minute phone call, and it ended very, very peacefully. And I was so happy with it. I've chosen not to have a relationship with him moving forward, and that's a healthy decision for me to make. But, you know, everyone has the opportunity to repair relationships or release them. And I made the decision that was best for me, and I want that for you, too. But I remember thinking, like, I'm so. Like, after that, I Just felt like flooded with emotions. Mark is just staring at me like, did I just witness a freaking, like, revolution inside of my wife? Like, what just happened? She's not angry. And I, you know, it was a huge moment in my marriage. It was a huge moment in myself, and it was. It was enormous. But I just remember, I just kept thinking, like, this just goes to show that the. I don't have to love what's happening in my life to trust that it's happening for a reason. And I don't. I really don't love some of the things that's happened in my life. I don't love that my dad passed away. I don't love that the man that I loved, I truly loved him to be my dad. And I wish things ended differently. I mean, I wish my dad never died, but I. Wishing the past different doesn't make it different. It just makes it harder to accept. So I stopped doing that. But I am grateful for who I've become out of my hardship. I'm grateful that I've walked this path of fire and hard rocks and got the cuts and the wounds and I've been able to become this person because I. Everyone experiences hard. It's not just me and my heart. It's you and your heart and their heart. And everybody's hurting. And I'm just so grateful that I've been able to learn from my hurt and grow from my hurt since I can't just wish it away. And because you can't just wish your past experiences away or your shame that you're struggling with and the negative thoughts since you can't just wish those things away. I want to help you. I want to help you heal them. We have to do some self discovery first. Like in here that. I mean, if you just listen to the journal that I just read to you guys, like, there was a lot of self discovery done leading up to that and so much self healing. And I feel like I just like cracked this code when creating my program. And it's taken me three years to put it together in a way that I'm just like, so pumped for you to go through it for your own healing journey and that I get to be a part of that. Like, I just think it's amazing to be a part of people's lives in a meaningful and positive way that helps them grow into people that they want to be. Not to say who I want them to be or who they should or shouldn't become. It's nothing. It's nothing about my opinion it's just, who do you want to be? Okay, Let me help you become her. Let me help you see that this shame is wrong and your negativity is not fact, and that you have the power and capability to change these things. Let me help you do that. Because I've had to do it for myself too. So I'm so glad that I spontaneously pulled down the journal and remembered that it was there. I keep all my notebooks and you know, I. I wanted to share more vulnerability from my own journey of self discovery and healing so that you can understand I have purpose here. I have a calling here and I know I do. And I'm sure it will shift and continue adjusting because that's what life does. But right now I am right where I'm meant to be, doing the exact work that I meant to do as a wife, mother and coach here with you, with my boys, with my husband. And I hope that you'll let me be a part of your self discovery and healing journey in such a meaningful way. So don't forget, early registration opens up today, 10am Mountain Standard Time on Monday. What is today? The 15th. November 15th. It is open and ready for you to enroll. I have the special bonus going that anyone the first 12 women to enroll get a free one hour coaching call with me to use at any point in the program. So if you know like identity is going to be really hard for me or mindset or shame or self forgiveness, book that call. You earned it. You took that leap of faith. First you get the call and then if you don't get in the first 12, don't worry. I have a. I have the private Facebook community for us to be working together. I do several live coaching videos in there every week beginning January 3rd. All of the coaching begins January 3rd. I'm offering early enrollment for you to save 20% because I'm so grateful for the community that we've been able to build over on Instagram and other platforms. I just think it's such a special thing for women to come together and say like I want to think positively about things and it's not toxic and it's not putting other people down or anything. It's just this is what I want for me in my life and I'm owning it and I love that so much. So please take advantage of the early enrollment. Enrollment will open back up December 13th through the 23rd, that 10 day window, but prices return to normal which is going to be $12.97 as a one time payment or 1500 on a payment plan that's to work with me for the 12 weeks. And once you're in the Facebook community, every week, this is a special and nobody knows this except you. Every week I'm going to be selecting one woman to receive a free one hour, one on one call with me. I'm going to make sure that throughout the 12 weeks, someone different is chosen every week and it's going to be based off of interaction. So if you're showing up, you're doing the good work, you're rewarded. But yes, myself and my support coaches are ready to serve you. The link is available right here on the podcast. It is also available in my email list, if you're not on my email list and the link in my bio on my Instagram page. So this isn't just here, Put yourself through this roadmap that I pieced together. It's a. Oh my gosh. I've compiled every single piece of the incredible information that I've had to put together in order to go on my own journey of self discovery and healing still to this day. But look how much progress I made in two and a half years. I mean, from me to who that girl was is completely different. And a year before her when my first son was born is completely different. And a year before her and a year before her. It's incredible how much you can accomplish. It's insane how fast you can change. I told you in the journal, I saw him for two seconds on a video and it felt like everything changed in two seconds. But you have to prime your mind first. You have to go through this, this healing and discovery first. And then when that two second video moment happens for you, you're like, this is it. This is my moment. This is where it all comes together and I want that for you. So I created the roadmap for you. It's 12 weeks of coaching with me and I just hope so badly that I get to see you on the inside and get to know you and your own personal story and be a part of it in such a meaningful way to help you become who you want to be with a mindset that supports you. Because this is early enrollment week, I am trying to launch three podcast episodes, Monday, Wednesday and Friday to help you see that this program is a perfect fit for you. So this was Monday's episode and I'll see you guys on Wednesday. Thank you so much for being here for this week's episode. If this episode served you, please feel free to subscribe to the podcast and share it I love spreading the message of positivity and healing and how they work together. My goal is to continue serving you and I can't wait to form more meaningful relationships together here on the podcast and elsewhere such as Instagram and my email list. We'll talk more soon.