4. The "THING" Holding You Back

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. This is a place for us to come together and not only understand who we are, but how to become exactly who we want to be while developing the right skills and tools to help us do so. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and I can't wait to get started. Well, hey there, my beautiful friend and welcome back to the Floor of my closet where we discuss life changing concepts while my kids are sleeping at night. Whenever you're listening to this, but that's when I record is when my kids are sleeping because I think you guys will enjoy it more without them yelling in the background. Yeah. Yeah. Well, this week it's going to be really special because as we've been able to discuss a little bit on identity, how your identity and mindset work together, I feel like it's really important for us to now understand what is the thing holding you back. And this thing is actually your shame. And so many times we don't talk about shame, really. We just talk about the habits that we want to change, the things we need to stop saying to ourselves with that negative self talk and oh my God, I wish I was different or why do I do this self sabotage. Like we just kind of go surface level. But it blows my mind that we don't spend more time thinking about why it is that we do what we do in the first place. And I believe there's a reason why everyone does everything that they do. And it all comes back to who we believe we are. And the experiences that have shaped us. Now mixed in with those experiences are going to be points of shame. And I understand that this isn't something that's talked about very often, but it has been a life changing concept for me and it really opened up so many possibilities for me to heal and grow and become who I want to be. Because I finally understood it's not that there's something wrong with me, it's that I am ashamed of certain parts of me and. And it makes it very difficult to love myself. So I'm hoping that in a short podcast episode I can share my personal story and open up your eyes too, to the possibility that maybe you have some shame that's holding you back and it's something that you really need to explore and give yourself permission to sit with and heal from. Before I share my personal story, I think definitions are helpful. So the definition of shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. Now, there is a difference between Shame and guilt. Shame is a focus on self. Guilt is a focus on behavior. And that is something that Dr. Brene Brown talks a lot about. And she has been really the biggest influence on my healing journey when it comes to my own shame. So I highly recommend looking her up. Dr. Brene Brown and I could do a podcast episode on different books that I've read of hers too. So anyway, the way that I coach through shame, though is understanding that shame says, I am such a screw up. I am a screw up. It's a focus on self. Guilt says, wow, I screwed up. Now why is that so important? Well, shame will never, ever, ever make you change. Guilt can change behavior because we feel badly for what we've done and we don't want to do that again. We learn from it, we move forward, we still love ourselves and it did not question our worth or our value that we bring. But shame says, I am such a screw up. No one can ever know that I've done this. I can't believe that I am this way. I hate myself for doing this. Like it is totally focused on self and it makes you want to kind of run and hide and you're gonna run straight to your coping mechanisms. And I call it numbing. So however you numb, it could be scrolling social media, mindless behavior, binge watching tv, online shopping, sex, food, drugs, alcohol. So many different ways people numb every single day. And we wouldn't have to numb so much if we would understand that we are worth loving. We are still wonderful people, even in the moments that we don't necessarily show up as our best selves. And that's why shame is such an important concept when you're trying to become who you want to be and show up that way. Because there are going to be times that you slip out of alignment. And I call it slipping out of alignment instead of totally screwing up, falling off track. La di da da da. The common ways of talking. Because everybody slips out of alignment. And no matter how much you want to say, I am a calm, patient, present mother and that's part of your identity. If something happens and you are just sitting right there and maybe your shame was triggered or you're having just such a hard moment and you end up yelling at your kids the there, that's still not a great reason to shame yourself ever. And we have to understand that. Now I'm going to share some personal parts of my story so that you guys can better understand how it is that shame was keeping me from loving myself and I didn't even Know it. So a little bit of a backstory. When I was six years old, my biological dad passed away super unexpectedly one night. And I can still remember that next morning vividly. And that was my first real experience with trauma. Now it's important for you guys to understand that my biological dad passed away because I was such a daddy's girl. And that is going to play a big part in this story. In the couple years following my dad passing away, I remember my mom having one serious relationship and that didn't work out between them. So then we moved from Northern California to Henderson, Nevada. So just outside of Las Vegas is where I grew up. And we moved in September. And then in October, Halloween, my mom met a guy that she really, really liked. And we all ended up really, really liking him. I mean, he was so, so, so great. And guys, I have Christmas letters from the years following my dad dying. I think it was the following two years I wrote letters to Santa begging him to bring me a dad. Like just a seven year old, eight year old little girl missing her dad so terribly bad that I wrote letters to Santa and I would just ask him to bring me a dad. So again, I was a super daddy's girl. All I wanted was a dad that my mom meets. This amazing guy who, I mean, he checked all of my boxes. He was the moon and stars. And I could just go on and on and on about the incredible experiences that I remember having with him. He taught me how to drive. He taught me how to drive a stick shift. We built my quad together. We were like into four wheelers and Sandras, going camping, boating, parasailing. Like such a extravagant and wonderful experience to have him. So anyway, in the very beginning things were wonderful. They ended up getting married. I think it was that following March, March 2005 is when they got married. And I was so happy. I mean on their wedding day I gave the. I gave him a book that was 100 reasons why a Daughter needs a dad. And we just connected from the very beginning. He called me his daughter to his friends. I never called him dad, but I felt so strongly about him and I really did love him. Then following that, my mom had two daughters with him. And I love them to pieces. They're so freaking cute. And everything was really, really great until it wasn't, until it wasn't so following that, probably three years of really just such greatness were two years of a lot of hard. And in that hard it came about that he mentally was not or his mental health deteriorated a little bit. I don't know what shifted, but things just weren't what we thought they were mentally for him. And so in those last two years is when he went through a really difficult time and it ended up going towards pedophilia. So I can remember just the most, like, vivid things about that. I mean, he would take my underwear, he's watched me shower. I could hear him walking on the side of my house in the rocks at night when I was supposed to be changing, or opening up the sliding glass door to the backyard to watch me shower through the bathroom window. And just awful things like that. And standing over my bed at five in the morning when I was supposed to be sleeping. So my mom obviously ended up divorcing him. And after everything we've been through, when it comes to that, I will say that my mom has been one of the strongest people I have ever met. If I consider her whole life. I mean, losing her husband when she was 31, my dad, when my dad passed away, he was only 41. My mom was 31. She had my older sister. And I at the time, like, I cannot even imagine. And it's taken me a long time to be able to heal and get to a point of growth that says she's been through a lot too, and she really has always done the best she could, and I have tremendous respect for her for that now. When it comes back to my personal story, though, when my stepdad at the time was having these behaviors towards me, I started just going to anger. And anger was my armor. It made me feel like, okay, I can't be hurt if I'm just angry, and I can protect myself if I'm angry. And things won't be that bad if I stay angry. So anger was totally my armor. And now that I understand these things a bit more, I'm telling you guys, look up Renee Brown. It's just a lot easier for me to know now when I'm not being vulnerable, when I'm not really showing up, when I'm not allowing myself to process and heal because I immediately turn to anger. Now when all this fell apart with my mom's ex husband, I stayed angry though, even after they got divorced, I didn't talk to him for 10 years. And I carried that anger for 12 days, years. It didn't just go away. Nothing resolved itself. Even after not talking to him, I was still so angry to the point that if anyone ever mentioned his name, I would have a physical response. I mean, I would just feel flushed with heat. My face would literally turn red. My Hands would start shaking. And I just felt enraged at that point, just. Just from hearing his name. That is not healthy. It's not healthy. But in my mind, I was strong enough, right? This is my armor. I'm strong. He can't hurt me. Look how. Whatever. Like, that was just what I did. And it wasn't until I was pregnant with Liam and I was. I told you guys, I was really working on myself once I got to my pregnancy, because I was carrying all this anger, and I knew it. I had a lot of resentment, and I knew it. And I was not good at healing and processing through things, and I knew it. So going through and trying to work on myself. It wasn't until Liam was born, and almost at his first birthday, he was eight or nine months old. And my older sister called me, and I will never forget this. She called me and said that my mom's ex husband had called her and apologized for everything he's ever done to us. Everything. I was. I was truly happy for her in that moment. I felt a lot of relief for her. And I just thought, you know, that's awesome for you. And I told her, I don't care. I hate him. Why would I care? Guys, I had been going to therapy. I was working so hard on myself. You'd think at this point I would have figured it out, but I didn't. And this is why it can be so helpful to have someone in your close circle that knows you or just the ability to really process and work through things, because sometimes it's hard for you to see the connection. But I told my sister that, and then I called her back a couple days later and said, you know, I know I told you that I'm really happy for you, and I am, but for some reason, I feel hurt and I don't understand. And I just. I cried. And I was like, I don't know why I feel hurt when I know that I'm angry. If I'm angry, why am I hurt? Why am I sad? Why do I just feel like that's not fair that he called you and not me? And I told her. I just felt like he doesn't think I'm worth that apology. And I will never forget what my sister so kindly reminded me was, well, it makes sense why it bothers you. I was even hesitant to tell you. And I was like, what do you mean it makes sense? It bothers me. Like, I've been, I'm great. Look at me over here. I'm good. And she was like, tessa, you loved Him. And that literally took my breath away. I'm like, loved him. I did not love. I did not love a pedophile, Okay? I did not love a pedophile. That's not me. Not who I am. Didn't happen. She said, but you did. You asked him to adopt you. You guys had a much closer relationship than him and I ever did, which is extremely true. And true. I asked him to adopt me, and we had an incredibly close relationship, and all I ever wanted was a dad. But once she said that, it was like the light bulb came on. Maybe I'm not so angry after all, as much as I am hurt. This is something I teach my clients about when we go. When you go through my coaching program is we're not looking at shame to try and call everybody up that's ever hurt us and say, hey, could you please apologize to me for all the ways that you've hurt me? That's not what we're doing. We're looking at our shame to take back ownership and say, how can I forgive myself for this? Now, before you go drop in comments and blowing up my dm, saying, tessa, you have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing to apologize for. He's the one in the wrong. He's so sick. I mean, I shared my story last year on my Instagram, and those were the comments I got. You have nothing to be sorry for. That's where I don't think people get the way that I coach and get the way that I heal and what's worked so well for me and my clients. And that's what I'm going to kind of explain right here with the shame part, because once my sister said that, it was. It really was like that light bulb, and I was like, okay, I know what I need to do. I know the direction I need to go in. This is not about anger as much as it is about hurt and my value and my self worth that I am inflicting on myself because this has affected my body image. I mean, I did not like my body ever since that experience, because why would I love my body if a pedophile liked it? That doesn't make you feel good. Why would I love myself if I loved a pedophile? Right? That. That's my shame. My shame was that thing that I was trying to run from, hide from. No one could ever know. And I could never really love myself because I can't believe I did that. And I should have known better. I could have done better. I didn't really love myself because of the shame. I saw it as shame and not as I really did do the best I could. And look, my dad died when I was six years old. And look at these Christmas letters as a little girl just begging for Santa to bring me a dad, right? When you look at those pieces, it's like, oh, wow, you really did do the best you could because you're still the six year old hurting and wanting that dad, and here comes this guy that you completely trust, fall in love with as that father figure, and then your whole world's turned upside down and then what do you do with it? You hold on to anger and you armor up and act like it doesn't bother you because, I mean, no way you're ever going to talk about it, right? So there's been a lot of healing between. And I know this is a short podcast episode that really isn't going to walk you through the entire process of healing, but after three solid months of setting that intention of this is what I need to do. I need to take back that ownership. It can no longer be he makes me mad or me waiting around for an apology that I'm clearly never going to get because, I mean, even after three months of, after he called my sister, he never called me. So waiting around for this imaginary apology that I'm never going to get after 12 years of staying angry over my own shame, that was only hurting me. That was another huge light bulb point for me was, nobody cares that I'm mad. And even if they do care, it doesn't affect them. They're just like, oh, I wish she'd get over it. It's like the motto of my childhood is, Tessa won't let it go. She'll never get over it. She's a grudge holder. So everybody said about me, but I just didn't know how to heal. I. And when I. My first therapy session when I was pregnant with Liam was. I sat on the couch and I just said, I need you to teach me how to forgive people, because I don't know how, because I had been told you are the most unforgiving person I've ever met. And I'd like to say no, that my husband did not say that. So please don't think that. But that's why I went to therapy. That's why I wanted to be better, I wanted to heal, because I was sick of being angry, I was sick of feeling this way. And as I put the pieces together over the course of a year and my sister gave me that huge connection and I was able to finally say, me being angry is my responsibility. It's something I've decided to do. Waiting around for this guy to tell me that he's sorry and it's never going to happen is wasting my own life. And I refuse to give people that ownership over me anymore. And I highly advise that you stop doing it too. Stop saying people make you mad, they make you angry, they made you yell. No one can make you do anything. And once you know who you are and you have that just foundation of identity permission to be exactly who you want to be without fear of judgment or failure, you, you're no longer turning and trying to make it everybody else's fault that you're doing what you do. And you can take that very real look and say, I stayed angry for 12 years because I didn't know how to heal. But I'm done being angry. I'm ready to heal. That is ownership. That to me is the most powerful, beautiful way to love yourself and take back all of that ownership so you can finally be who you want to be. But this whole episode is going around just the example of the thing, the thing that's making it difficult for you to love yourself, the thing that's making it difficult for you to dream up who you want to be in the first place and focus on that I am. And maybe you have been focusing on the I am, but it's very difficult to implement. Well, think about the shame. What's keeping you from believing that you can be this joyful person? Is it because you've been mad for 12 years? Because I know that's what it was for me. So after three months after that conversation with my sister, I put that intention to really work on myself and take back my ownership, focus on my self healing and my freaking gosh, was it hard? It was so hard because all I wanted to say was, it's not my fault, it's not my fault, it's he did this, this is his fault, this is his responsibility. But again, he didn't care that I was angry, so why should I stay angry? It wasn't hurting him, it was only hurting me. So after those three months, my last piece of my healing journey was releasing the relationship. And this is a concept that I feel works so well for me personally. I'm not saying you have to do this, but when it came to me releasing the relationship, I hadn't talked to him in 10 straight years, but I was still angry. So clearly I needed more closure. I needed to really prove my ownership just to Myself. It's not even about what other people thought. So I decided I was going to call him. And I remember my stomach was in knots, I was sweating, my hands were shaking, my heart was going a million miles an hour. I even wrote a journal entry right after doing it. And maybe that would be fun to read to you guys at some point. But we ended up answering the phone, we had a 12 minute conversation together. And I remember me saying this very. I just felt so confident, like, yes, I have my ownership back. This is what I need to say. And I remember telling him, I'm sorry for all of the anger and resentment that I've held against you. I know it didn't serve either one of us. And I just need you to know that I'm not angry anymore. It didn't matter what he said back. It didn't matter if you. Nothing, nothing else mattered. I just felt so free. I've had two babies. Liam. I had a hospital birth with an epidural. Luke, I had a home birth, natural, no interventions. And even having given birth to two healthy, beautiful babies, it's very similar to that. I can compare it to that and I could even question it topping those experiences because I finally felt like I got my life back. It was no longer about him. I just, I released the anger because of all the intention that I put forward and all of that hard work to go towards my own healing and to say, this is the life that I want to live and this is how I'm going to pursue it and these are the things that I'm going to do and this is how I'm going to take back ownership. Like I know from start to finish in this podcast, it sounds difficult to probably grasp the concept completely. And the whole reason of me sharing my personal story is again, for you to maybe reflect on your own life and the experiences that you've been through and whether or not you think that it's something you can take back ownership for and extend that self forgiveness. It absolutely is. You can flip anything around to say, like with weight gain, maybe your shame is weight gain. That's so common that I see amongst my clients. But what if you had so much self forgiveness and love and clarity in who you are and the mindset that you're creating that you could look at that weight gain and say, you know what, I forgive myself for turning to food to try and process emotions or numb emotions that I had no idea how to handle. Looking back at my life, I did the best I could and everything that I've been through. I'm so proud of what I've been able to overcome and I'm ready to create a new now. I'm ready to pursue something different and honor my body and a new relationship with my body that is self forgiveness. If we constantly look around us and try to blame everyone around us for what we think, for what we say and what we do, we don't have any ownership over ourselves. And if you don't have any ownership, how are you going to heal? Because I waited 12 years for an apology that I never got. I went after it and it wasn't even about his apology, it was about my own. I forgive myself for using anger as a way to armor up. Instead of actually processing and acknowledging my emotions so that I can heal, I forgive myself. And when it comes to shame, I'm telling you, it will never ever change you. It will only weigh you down and continue hurting you. And if there's anything that I could wish for you, it's healing. It's healing physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. And the only way you're ever going to get to that healing place that you want to get to is to open up, to be vulnerable, to say you're hurting when you want to call it anger. So I hope the concept of shame better makes sense now that I have shed some light on it through my personal experiences and how exactly it affected me. There's obviously a lot more to this story when it comes to my body image and that whole healing process and what exactly I did and how it looked for me and which I'd love to discuss on future episodes. So if this was something that really stuck out to you and you're excited to pursue more self forgiveness in your healing journey, or if you feel that shame is something that's really holding you back and becoming who you want to be because of what you've experienced, please know that I've been through these, these things too. And that's exactly how I created my one on one coaching program. Mind body alignment is based off of everything that I've been through in my own life and how I've been able to heal from those things. Instead of constantly looking at my body saying, well, if my body would just be different, then I would be different. It's not true. And once you lighten the mental load and you learn how to process through those emotions instead of numbing them every single time or giving people ownership over you, you will find a lot of excitement and fulfillment in your health journey. Because now you know who you are, how to control that mindset and really process through your emotions and get to a place of self forgiveness and so that you give yourself permission to continue moving forward instead of saying well it is what it is, these things have happened, I'm always going to be this way and end of story. Well, it's not the end of your story, it might just be the beginning. So spend some time thinking about any experiences that have made it difficult for you to love yourself, see your own self worth and your value and question them. Question the emotions attached to them and how it is that you can go from living with anger and resentment and giving everybody else ownership over you to a place of feeling really empowered and knowing exactly who you are without fear of judgment or failure. Because I promise you, that's where the magic is. I hope that sharing my story was helpful for you and that this is a podcast that you continue to enjoy. Please feel free to rate it, leave a review, and share it with your friends so that we can all continue healing together and becoming exactly who we want to be without fear of judgment or failure. I love you sis, and I'll see you next week. It is such a wonderful privilege of mine to be here with you in this space and I hope that you find all the value out of our time together.