42. Mothers Are Gatekeepers

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Oh, my Lanta Lou. I did not know it was possible to have your mind literally blown so many times in a one week period. So to catch you guys up a little bit, over the past week, I've been able to attend two conferences for women. And it was powerful. It was so powerful, especially to have them back to back. I'm not gonna lie. It was very intense. It was intense to me, traveling that much away from my home, making arrangements. There were so many little factors that went into it, but I really feel so grateful that I just committed to doing that for myself and. And really going all in. But there was something that I realized, and it was on the last day of the second. It was a mastermind that I was at. It was the last day of that, and I was walking back to my hotel to go feed Drooper Duber. So. And just imagine this with me. There was this paved walkway next to the street that connected the. The building that the mastermind was in to the hotel that I was staying at. And it was about a quarter mile away from each other. So every three hours, I would literally run to. To the hotel where Drew was staying with my babysitter so that I could go to this event, which I feel so grateful that I was able to, like, make that plan work. But I would run over to the hotel as fast as I could and nurse Drew and talk to the babysitter and get everything like, okay, all's good. Give him back to the babysitter. And then I would run back to the mastermind, because I was trying to just take in as much as possible, and I didn't want to miss anything. But what was amazing was not once did my mind say, oh, my gosh, of course I have to run back in the snow. Yeah, it was snowing. I was running in the snow. I have to run back in the snow. And having a baby makes this so hard on me. Like, truly, I was looking at that run back and forth as something that truly served me because I got to take in so much, just amazing breakthroughs and information and apply it to my own life in that mastermind. And then I was the one that had the opportunity out of all the women in that room, I was the one that had the opportunity to get my body really involved by running over to the hotel, by getting that fresh air, feeling the cold air on my skin, and taking that time to just step out of that building and think, think without any distraction, really just move and think and take it all in. And I saw it as like this beautiful thing that I got to experience. Whereas maybe it's easy for someone else to see, like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that she has to go run outside in the snow. All these things. Um, but mindset really is the game changer, friends. It truly is the game changer. And between these two events that I was just able to be at, it was emphasized so much, and I'm just so grateful. And it reaffirmed to me that I am walking my calling and doing exactly what I meant to do here with you as well. So this episode, I really wanted to dedicate it to something that I realized about who I am while I was at this Mastermind. So it was a three day mastermind. I'm in a group with 20 women that are just really powerful business owners and leaders. And we're learning from experts, experts in marketing, experts in identity, experts in team building and leadership and in legal. Legal stuff. And just women that have taken absolutely, like something from nothing. They've built something so phenomenal from nothing. And we got to learn from Susan Peterson, who is the founder of Freshly Picked. I don't know if you're familiar with Freshly Picked, but wow. Her story alone is just incredible. And amazingly, I've had her weekender bag for two years and I love it. And now I'm hooked on her. On her park bag, the little fanny pack. I'm like, well, this is way better than the Lululemon one I was using. What? The hec? So now I'm hooked on that too, which is awesome. But we got to learn all about her story. And I'm taking in all these women's stories and where they're at in their lives and what they're doing and what they're making happen. And I think every single one of us, except maybe two people in the room, were mothers. We're all mothers. And that part blew me away too. I'm like, wow. Because before motherhood, I didn't really know what I was capable of. And I reflect on that and I'm like, holy freaking crap. Looking at how much I can do in a day now compared to what I was doing in a day before. Motherhood. I'm like, I could have got so much done. I could have literally got all these things done that I tried to do in, like, a week, in, like, a day, with the amount of time that I had before motherhood. But instead of, like, you know, we don't go to shame, we don't go to bullying ourselves and beating ourselves up instead of doing that, I just look at it as, like, I'm absolutely incredible. Mothers are absolutely phenomenal with the way our minds work and our ability to see things that other people don't see and think in ways that other people don't think. When we utilize that, because you have that. You have that ability, you just need to strengthen it so it becomes a skill of yours. But one thing that I realized in listening to everybody, and we got to talk a lot about, like, who we are and what we want. And it was a big theme at this mastermind. And the more I got clear on, like, who I am and what I want. Who I am and what I want. And it was really difficult because I realized on the first day there was. I didn't really know what I wanted. And they're just like, pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing. What do you want? What do you want? What do you want? And you're like, oh, my God. It's just, like, so intense. And again, I'm so grateful for those opportunities. I had to go run a quarter mile, nurse my baby. And nursing your baby, it just, like, it forces you to slow down. And I was telling my babysitter that every time, like, wow, it's just. It's amazing how much nursing your baby just forces you to slow down. And it's so needed. So anyway, I just found so much beauty in every single day, every single moment, truly. But what do you want? You know, that was the big theme. And on the first day, I didn't know what I wanted. And it made a lot of sense to me. Like, oh, my gosh, how am I supposed to get where I want to go if I don't even know what that is? And I imagined it as if I were to ask Liam or Luke to scribble on a piece of paper, it'd be, like a lot of just winding circles everywhere, right? A bunch of scribbles. And it's like, that's the direction I was taking. That's what it looked like to walk the path that I was on, because I just didn't know what I want. And if you don't know what you want, how are you ever gonna get There. And that helped me so much. So maybe for you right now, it would really help to get out a pen and piece of paper and ask yourself, what do I want? Does it feel hard to write down what you want? And maybe you say, I asked my group this. I asked them last night, like, what do you want? And someone said, I want to feel in control and empowered. But why? Why do you want that? To me, that's like, that's the way you want to feel. But why does it matter so much to you to feel that way? Like, who do you want to be? What do you want to do? What do you want to accomplish? Why do these things matter so much to you? That way we're not running around in circles saying, like, okay, I'm running so fast, and I feel so overwhelmed. Maybe it's because you don't know what you really want and where you're going. So your mind just feels so scattered, like the scribble on a piece of paper, because you just don't know what you want and what direction to go in. But you're moving. You're definitely moving quickly, very quickly in circles, and we don't want that. So, anyway, I also got to work with an identity coach at this, and she's like an identity and marketing coach. She's absolutely phenomenal. Um, and Natty is what we call her, and she is Mama Lewis in her home. And she. I don't think I've ever met someone that is just so clear and who they are and what they want and the impact that they make. And there's just no. There's no shame about it. There's no holding back. And to be completely honest with you guys, there are a lot of times that I hold back, and I just feel like that's what I like. I know I want to do this, but I don't want it bad enough to go through these really hard things. So it's not really what I want. And just getting clear on that, like, if some negative comments on Instagram are going to derail me that bad, then I'm not really going after what I want, and I need to get clear on that, because negative comments, there's always gonna be naysayers. There's always gonna be people that don't get it. They're not ready to get it, whatever. And that's never gonna go anywhere. But I could show up with absolute, certainly certainty and absolute clarity in who I am and what I want. And I think I do a really great job at that. I just know that I could get so much better at it. And I'm excited for the shifts and changes that are gonna come because I've worked so hard on myself and poured into myself and invested in myself in this past week at these two events. But anyway, I got to work with Natty in this small group, and Natty's helping us through, like, our identity and our feelings and our vision and our actions and making it all make sense for us, really. And we. We got to listen to everyone's examples. And I was just taking it in. Like, I coach women through identity every single day, and I've worked with Nattie personally, so I'm grateful that I've had that opportunity. And I'm just, like, listening to all these women, and I'm listening to Natty, and I'm really, really taking it in for, like, 90 minutes. And then it was time for me to go feed Drew. Like, okay, I gotta go. I'm gonna go feed my baby. And I walk this time over to the hotel, because I had just cried in that room when Natty was talking about who she is as a mother, and she was explaining to us that she's not who her mom is as a mother. Her mom was very cutesy, and her mom was very crafty. Like, excellent at sea, sewing and laying things on your pillow, like, leaving those little notes, just, like, all the cute stuff. And Natty is like, that's just not who I am. That's just. It's just not who I am. And instead of trying to fit in that box, I'm allowing myself to be who I am as a mother. And she's like, I'm the mom that holds space for my kids. And I show up to those games. I go to every single game. I'll be at their game. I'll be cheering them on. And I'm not the mom that does her daughter's hair, but my daughter's okay with that. It's just like, it was blowing my mind, the way she was explaining who she is as a mother. And then I reflected on myself, because at this event, I just felt like I was beaming energy. I mean, no one in that room could stand next to me and not feel the energy just, like, pulsating off of me. It was so powerful, and I got so clear, and I still am so clear in what I want, what I'm going after, how I'm gonna do it. Just. Everything makes so much sense now because I've been working on my identity and because I know how to reaffirm it. Each night after the Mastermind, I went home, I went back to the hotel, and I was journaling about it because it's not enough for me to sit in that room. No matter how many thousands of dollars you pay, it's not enough to sit in that room and be around people that think that way, that see themselves this way. And now you're starting to have some breakthroughs. It's not enough just to experience that. You need to reaffirm it and continue putting yourself in that seat of, this is who I am, this is what I do, this is how I feel, this is what I want. And forcing your mind to go there. And that's why I'm so grateful that I have the alignment journaling method. Because one of my fears that I felt while I was there was, oh, my gosh, I just love who I'm being so much. I love who I'm showing up as. This energy, it is just palatable. Like, it is tangible, and it's who I am. And I just could. I could connect so clearly that energetic and creative are who I am at the deepest level. The deepest level. It's just what makes me me. And no one else can be me. Only I can do what I do the way that I do it, and only you can do what you do the way that you do it. But there's something about you that just makes you you. And for me, it's my energy, it's my creativity. It's that vision that I can just come up with and my ability to bring it to life. It's not just having a vision, it's pursuing it until it is my reality. And those are the things that I'm good at. The visionary, the energy, the creativity. And after our session with Natty and a lot of self reflection throughout the time that I got to spend there with all these women, I was walking back to the hotel to go feed Drew, and I realized, you know, I feel like who I'm meant to be. This energy, this confidence, the way that I'm walking, the way that I'm talking, the way that I'm holding myself, my shoulders are down and back, my chest is open, my head is held tall. And it's not because my circumstances just magically changed. Instagram is still there. I still receive hurtful comments. I still have three kids. I still have a husband. I still have my business. I still have every obstacle in my business that I had the past four years. It's all still there. But I'm different. And so I'm viewing Everything else differently. So as I was walking and I felt so connected, like, more connected with myself and who I truly am. That energetic being and creative and visionary and the way I've just been expressing myself, like, so connected with who I truly am. And as I was walking, I was just thinking about how this is who I was born to be. And I could think about as a child how I really was energetic. Just like this. I'd bounce around. I'm beaming. I'd do something, I'd collab, like, okay, okay, okay. And I'm just, like, jittery and going, and. And it was just who I am and creative, all of the ideas, and I'm gonna do this and this and this and, like, just the biggest dreams. And that's who I was as a child. And I believe who I'm meant to be. And then I am wondering, you know, what happened? What happened? How come I stopped beaming? How come my ideas got small and I don't always pursue them? And I'll feel scared? How come I don't see myself as this version of me every single day? It's here. It's here. This is clearly who I am and what I'm good at, and everybody in this room can feel it. So how come. How come I don't live this way? How come I don't really show up this way every single day? What happened? And I've shared with you guys on the podcast in a lot of different areas that hard things have happened to me. Yeah. But I've also learned that through the hard things that I have endured and experienced, I've also become an incredible version of myself. I have more strength than I ever knew was possible in a single human. I have more grit and devotion and determination than I ever knew was possible. For me to have the energy, the creativity, the vision, it's been here. It's been toned down a lot. But. But through my hardship, I've become really who I wanna be. And I have perspectives and I have wisdom that I would not have if it weren't for that hardship. So I don't. I'm not blaming my hardship. I'm really not. But I'm trying to find understanding of why I don't allow myself to be that most energetic version of me, who I know I am. And I was born to be. And it's just. It's just who I am and what. And what happened there. And what I believe is I didn't have a gatekeeper. And in the first, you know, seven years of my life and And I mean, gosh, far beyond then the first 20 years of my life, I didn't have a gatekeeper. And to me, what that means is we're all born to be unique and to be different. And we have clear strengths and things that are just. This makes her her. This makes him him. And we have those things within us. And without a gatekeeper to protect that, to reaffirm that, it's easy to lose sight of it, because you'll show up with all of your energy, and all of a sudden you're annoying. You'll start beaming that energy and jittery and dancing around, and all of a sudden, it's not a good thing, right? You've been called annoying. You've been called hyper. People have said, what drugs are you on? I'll tell you this right now. I did dare in fourth grade, and when people started saying, what drugs are you on? Which literally started for me in, like, third grade and continued throughout middle school. What drugs are you on? Just because I'm energetic. Well, in my mind, drugs are bad. In my energy is being compared to drugs, this is bad. And there was so much shame. And now I'm at this event, and I will tell you, my energy is different than all 20 women in that room that I was working with. All six of the advisory board members that I got to work with. My energy is different than every single one of them. It's a gift. It's my special gift. And after three days, even though my brain felt fried, I was still going. I just. I saw the vision. I saw the clarity. I knew that I have exactly what I need, and I am exactly who I need to be to make this happen. And Drew was up, guys so much in the nights, and, you know, I'm up taking care of him, nursing him, trying to do my best in a hotel, and. And going to bed at 11, not ideally, I was trying to go to bed at 9:30, but my mind was just so excited with the ideas. And then Drew Brews was up, and I was telling Marcus, like, I did not get longer than a two hour stretch of sleep since last Saturday. And sleep is so important. It really is. But it's insane to me how when your mind is so excited and you feel so focused on what you want, and your perspective is only there to serve you how much energy you can create. Because I'm back home, Drew's gonna get back into his sleep routine. I'm gonna get back into my sleep routine. Any amount of sleep that I lost, like, this is all temporary. And it's something I can handle. And I believe that fiercely. I believe that. And I can still show up and do the best I can with where I'm at, and I can meet myself there and have these perspectives. But my point, with this gatekeeper and the energy and the creativity and the vision, when I showed up as who I really am as a child, it was annoying. It started conflict. It wasn't safe to be that version of me through dysfunctional relationships, through trauma and hardship, and losing my dad when I was six years old, and the way that. That obviously would affect my mom and my sisters and myself. It just wasn't safe to be that. And when I think about that, not having a gatekeeper, I feel so emotional about it. And I got on my Instagram story and I was talking about the gatekeeper and how this is who I'm meant to be. The way I feel right now, it's not just temporary because I'm at this mastermind. Like I needed this environment and these minds and this. This energy to help remind me of who I am. But she's been here all along. She's been here all along. And I don't have to fear her going anywhere because I've. I've got her back. I've got her back. I know how to nurture her. I know how to protect her. I know how to heal these perspectives that were once hurting me. But it also. I don't need to shame myself forever losing that part of me because I didn't lose myself in motherhood, and neither did you. You lost that most authentic version of you long before motherhood was even a thought. It happened in childhood. It always happens in childhood. And that means all of those you are statements that did not align with. With who you truly are, they were coming in and those you are statements got internalized as I am statements. You are lazy, you are inconsistent. You are selfish, you are anxious. You're a perfectionist, you're a people pleaser. And all of that comes in, especially before the age of seven. It all comes in and it gets internalized as I am statements. And you start viewing yourself that way instead of who you're meant to be. The energy is now a bad thing. The creativity is now annoying. The visionary is now unrealistic. You can't do that. That's nice, but maybe you should be more realistic. You are unrealistic. You are unrelatable. We need love, connection and belonging. That's what we need. So when you are showing up as who you truly are and it doesn't provide love, connection, belonging, especially as a child. And other things are being said to you that directly counter who you truly are. And people are projecting their hurt because hurt people hurt people. And you don't have a gatekeeper to say, you know that's not true about you. You are energetic, you are a visionary, you are creative, and I love that about you. That's the gatekeeper. Mothers are gatekeepers. And maybe you're listening to this and you're like, I didn't have a gatekeeper. Yeah, me neither. But absolutely nothing is going to stop me from being a gatekeeper today for my boys, for my spouse, for myself. I believe that there's no one better to do this job than you because there will never be someone that knows your child better than you. They are literally a part of you. There are things about them that you know that no one else knows. I would not be able to come into your home and say, this is who your child is, and be able to describe them and their likes and dislikes. I wouldn't be able to do that. But you can do that. You can do that in your home. You don't need to go do it in someone else's home. You need to do it in your home. You are the gatekeeper. And regardless if you had a gatekeeper or not, now you know why it's so important to have one, especially as a child. So you're saying, well, Tessa, I didn't have that. I don't know what that looks like. You know what? Now you know what not to do. You know what it means to not be a gatekeeper. That's a great place to start. It's a great place to start. Knowing what not to do. That's incredible. Start there. That's where I always start. I know what not to do. All right, sweet. Let's implement. Let's implement the opposite of that and keep moving forward and keep learning, keep doing the best that we can. So be the gatekeeper for your kids. Every you are statement that you say to them, I want you to make sure that it aligns with who they really are. Because they are not bad. They're not annoying, they're not a holes, they're not mean, they're not aggressive, they're not overwhelming and needy. I'm trying to just think of, like, all the things that I hear every single day in those ur statements. We are gatekeepers. The whole world has an opinion. The whole world is going to say something to them one day. But not you. You're not Going to feed into that. That's not how we prepare our kids for the world. We prepare our kids for the world by being their gatekeeper. So for as long as possible, they can have certainty in who they actually are. So that when someone else comes up and says, you're annoying, they can say, that's not true about me. I'm energetic. I'm not annoying. I'm energetic. And if someone comes up to them and says, you are lazy, that's not true about me. I'm thoughtful. Like, I want you to use this opportunity, truly, to step into that role as the mother that you want to be and view yourself as the gatekeeper, to see who your child really is, who your child is. They're present. They're not slow. You're so slow. No, they're not. They're present. They're in the moment. You're the one rushing. They're present. And I want you to reaffirm that in them. So if I were to look at Liam and really emphasize being his gatekeeper, I'm focusing on, you are kind, because he truly is. You are thoughtful. You are friendly. From the time he was a baby, I could tell you that Liam is kind, he is thoughtful. He is friendly. He is brave. He will try anything. He's so courageous. He will do it. Even when he feels scared, he's like, yeah, I want to do it. You can see it in him that he feels scared, and he'll do it anyway. He is courageous. And that's what I teach my kids. That's how I'm their gatekeeper. Instead of focusing on, okay, there's going to be bullies. I need to talk to you about bullies. There's going to be this. There's going to be this. No. I need to make sure that with absolute certainty you know exactly who you are. And you can always trust me to be your gatekeeper. And when we do that for our kids, we're also doing it for ourselves. We can see more clearly in who we truly are as mothers. Because when you're out of alignment with the mother that you want to be, all of the outside world is influencing you. And I'm telling you right now, it's not an awesome influence to have, especially in motherhood, to let the outside world in. In that way, if you have a clean home, you're unrealistic. If you. If you try to be calm and attentive to your kids, then you're fake. That's not true about you. You're not unrealistic. You're not fake. You are sincere. You are genuine. You are authentic. You are prioritizing what matters most to you in your home, in your life, in your family. And you're using your past experiences to learn from them, to know where, what you're not going to do. I'm not going to do xyz, which means I am going to do abc. And again, just being that gatekeeper. And I didn't have a gatekeeper. I didn't. So it makes a lot of sense to me why I made myself small. I made myself small. I dimmed my light. I tried to hide the energy. And it just became this, like, unfamiliar place for me to be, even when it was safe for me to be there, that I don't always step into it. But now I've had this experience to just feel it and be in it for three days, that I refuse to let it go again. I'm not going to let that happen again. I'll be my own gatekeeper. I'll be my children's gatekeeper. I'll be my husband's gatekeeper. I will be the person that reminds people who they truly are. I will not use I am and you are statements as weapons. And I'm encouraging you to do that with me, to be a gatekeeper, to see the best in people, to love people for who they are, not who you want them to be. And again, like, I'm just so grateful that I've been able to have these opportunities this past week. It's changed me tremendously. And I'm really excited to step more into alignment with who I really am, this version of me that is becoming more and more clear. And I'm excited for the changes to come. And I'm so grateful that you're here in this corner with support. So if you are emphasizing trying to find yourself again and be that gatekeeper in your home for your kids and be able to have the skill set of reaffirming who they truly are, even when there's negative behavior, even when there's negative influences, even when it feels very, very difficult. If you want to know how to do that, you will go get the Alignment Journaling course. That's what you need to do. You need to take your mind to new places inside the Alignment Journaling course. I'll teach you how to do that. And as you get familiar with who you are, it will be very clear for your mind to for and see who your kids really are. Because right now you're just projecting. You're just seeing what you think but when you start thinking differently about yourself, you start seeing differently in other people and it's just magic. So I have that linked below. Grab the Alignment Journaling Course I am so excited to work with you and I promise I have something very exciting coming for everyone that has the Alignment Journaling course. There'll be a new opportunity for you to strengthen and enrich your journaling practice and connect with community. I love you guys tremendously and I'm so excited for what's to come and thank you. Thank you for holding space for me and showing up with me. I adore you. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.