45. Who Are You Choosing To Be In Your Circumstances?

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. So good to have you here. I'm home from Revive, and that was my first time hosting my retreat. And oh, my God, my goodness. Turns out I'm a retreater, guys. It turns out I am actually a retreater. I fully enjoy it and I will have several more events because this in person connection is really unlike anything that I have been able to experience as a coach. And in the almost five years that I've been coaching, I have not ran an in person event. That was my first one. And I'm not gonna lie, I felt a little bit nervous doing it. I was like, oh, man, I know what I can do on Zoom. I know what I can do on FaceTime and text, social media, the lives, the podcasts, the emails. Like, I know what I can do there, but can I do that in person? Like, I don't know. I guess we're gonna find out. Um, and oh, my gosh, it was just everything that I didn't even know that I needed, from the yoga that we did in the morning together to the breath work that we did in the night, and then the whole day that I spent coaching this room of 13 women there. And it was just remarkable. And I feel just a whole new level of life, like revival inside of myself and Revive. The reason why I chose that name in the first place for my retreats is it means to bring back to life or consciousness. And I think that's very important because we need more consciousness in our life. Consciousness to who we believe we are, what we're thinking, the way that we are reacting or responding is, and how to help ourselves when we're feeling strong emotions that are very, very real, but they're still not leaders. So I really wanted this retreat to hit it out of the park. Building connection, creating a safe space for women to come and fall apart so that they can truly come back to life as who they're meant to be. And we certainly had the falling apart. We, we were all crying, we were all sharing. Um, there were times that there were screen screaming and it's just so beautiful. The beautiful way that women bring energy to the healing journey is something that I hope to experience for the rest of my life. So if you came to Revive, I just have to thank you from the bottom of my heart. And I don't know if there will ever be be a retreat that transforms me as much as Revive did with my first group. I know I will continue hosting life changing retreats, moving forward and in person events and courses. But I was not expecting myself to transform in these ways. And I feel so strong, so confident, so empowered to walk this calling more fiercely and with clarity to bring my vision to life. And that's what I hope to share with you guys. So if you are interested in one of my Revive retreats, I'm hoping to host one twice a year. Um, the next one, whenever you're listening to this, the next one will be in Destin, Florida. Dustin, Florida. Really at the Barbie Beach Dream House is where we're gonna be. It's so gorgeous. We will still have so many healing modalities put into one place. So it's not just the mindset work that we're doing together, but really just focusing on your entire nervous system within your body and the mental components. So I really wanna bring an experience that's mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually aligned so that we have room for growth in all areas because that's what we really need. So, so September 20, we will have our arrival and then three full days of coaching. So this retreat will be even longer than my first one because that was one thing that I heard back from every single attendee was that they really wished it was longer. So I'm making it longer. Um, but it's gonna be all day. The 21st, 22nd, 23rd in Dustin, Florida. You arrive on the 20th and I promise you it will change your entire life. And I'm so excited for you. So anyway, that's what you can expect with the next, the next retreat, why I'm hosting those in person events and what you can look forward to moving this podcast episode. I want to teach you how you can better show up with the mindset that you want to have and the identity that most aligns with who you want to be. No matter where you're at, no matter who you're talking to. Because really, no matter the circumstances, we get to decide who we are and what we think about the circumstances. And sometimes we're just going to find ourselves in some really difficult, unfavorable circumstances that you just would not choose for yourself. And that's valid. I could tell you a bunch of circumstances that I would never choose for myself. Like I wouldn't choose My miscarriage that I had before Drewbirds, I wouldn't choose that for myself, but I didn't have a choice. It wasn't, hey, can you, like, text back yes or no if you'd like to experience this thing? Like, no, it just happened. But who I choose to be in that miscarriage and through my experience and what I choose to think about, it is in my control. And I can choose to help myself or I can choose to hurt myself. And I've shared the story of my miscarriage before, but I feel like this is just a wonderful example here before we move into how you can be applying this into your everyday life. But I was so excited when I got pregnant before Drew. So I had a miscarriage before I had my pregnancy with Drew, and I've never had a miscarriage before. So when I got pregnant that time, it actually took me about six months, months longer to get pregnant that time. And that process felt very like a trial for me because I've never personally had to wait to get pregnant. It was. I got pregnant very quickly with both Liam and Luke, and I'm so fortunate for that. I feel so grateful. But because I've never had before this miscarriage before that waiting period to get pregnant with that. That pregnancy, I've never had that experience of what it was like to wait. So in my mind, without even me knowing what was happening, my mind just developed this story that it's easy for me to get pregnant, and I can get pregnant whenever I want to get pregnant. So it really created this idea of entitlement in my mind, and I didn't even know it until I experienced the miscarriage. And that's when I realized, like, yes, this is extremely painful. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. It is testing me on all angles of my life. But I am learning a lot right now. And instead of. I remember having my miscarriage, and in the first, like, three minutes of experiencing that, I was bullying myself so, so hard. Of course I don't get to have a baby. I knew this was gonna happen. I waited so long to get pregnant, and I'm just never gonna get pregnant again. And if I get pregnant again, I'll lose the baby, because that's what's happening right now. And that narrative was going on in my mind for about three minutes, and then I caught it and stopped that narrative, because why should I allow my thoughts to make my circumstances worse? The circumstance itself is already out of my control. I wouldn't choose that for myself, and I wouldn't wish it upon somebody. I Don't want control of that. I don't wanna be God. Right. I don't wanna make those choices. But I do wanna equip myself and others with how to best help yourself in those circumstances that are just really freaking hard. Because life, life can be so hard as it is. Why should we make it harder on ourselves with our thoughts? That doesn't. That's not something that we have to do to ourselves. And you can do that to yourself if you'd like to. But I have a strong feeling that you don't like that you don't want to. You don't like it, you don't enjoy it, but you just haven't learned how to do something different. So the first part of this episode, I just wanna share that. That perspective of like that was a very difficult circumstance for me to go through. And when I was bullying myself through it, especially since I didn't even control it, that made it worse. So then I changed the narrative in my mind that I don't know why my body's doing this, but I do trust my body. I do believe that my body is smarter than me and it knows something that I don't know. And it's safe to trust that my body has shown up for me through every single circumstance in my entire life. It has never left me, it has never abandoned me. It has never done something just to me off. And we could say the same thing about your body. Your body's not doing things to upset you, just to attack you. You are in a. In a partnership with your body, in a relationship. Your body is truly your greatest ally. It has been with you through everything. So it's not gonna choose to do something just to upset you. It's gonna choose to do something because it knows it needs to be done. And that's my personal perspective, right? But thoughts are not facts. So you can choose to view your hardships in life however you want to, however you want to. And your thoughts will still not be facts. And my thoughts will still not be facts. But the story I tell myself, the thoughts in my mind help me feel better. They help me feel empowered. They help me feel in control of myself when I'm in a circumstance that I wouldn't choose for myself and that I don't control. And that's what I want for you too. So choose the narrative that you want to tell yourself. This isn't an argument, it's just here's a new perspective. And throughout my miscarriage experiencing that, I again, I came to the realization like, oh, My gosh, I was totally taking this entire thing for granted. I was taking it for granted and I was really taking this position of entitlement to pregnancy and motherhood and having a healthy pregnancy delivery, a healthy, A healthy baby at the end of all of it. Like, those are not things that you just get because you want them. We're not entitled to that. It truly is a privilege to experience a pregnancy. And my. The waiting period and experience that miscarriage taught me a lot about my body. It taught me a lot about this experience that I've been privileged to undergo as a mother and having now three healthy boys. And now I just don't take it for granted personally. So through the hardship in my entire life, growing up, losing my dad when I was six years old, growing up with a pedophile in my home and having extreme dysfunction and toxic relationships within my family and outside of that, and honestly just not loving who I was at all, I didn't like that. I held grudges and I couldn't let things go. Says the narrative in my mind. I really struggled with my anger. And that would come out in very ugly ways towards my husband and towards my mom, towards my sister. The people that I didn't want. I just didn't want to be that person. So everything that I teach you on my podcast, in the emails, on social media, is not because I've just had this really happy go lucky life. I think if it were only having the happy go lucky life, then it would be the same thing as experiencing the first two pregnancies. I would just feel very entitled to it. But that's not my approach at all when it comes to life. My approach is I truly believe that life happens for me. It does not happen to me. And through everything that I've ever been through, it has made me a better person that is more equipped and qualified to help other people as well. And that's just my perspective. Right. But anyway, with this episode, another thing that I just wanna help you with, given those hard circumstances that you find yourself in, no matter where you're at right now, how old you are, what's going on in your life, there are circumstances in your life right now that are just outside of your control. Like the miscarriage for me, losing my dad when I was 6, my mom's next husband being a pedophile, and all the turmoil that it caused in my family that way, bullying, relationships, shame, poor choices, whatever, whatever's going on, some of that's in your control. A lot of it's not, um, And I. I just know that if you could select the circumstances of your life, you wouldn't choose a lot of the ones that you're going through right now. For a lot of us, that's the way it would be. So what can we do? We're in the middle of these hard circumstances. Maybe you don't control him. What can you do? You can decide who you are. You can decide what you think about the circumstance, even if it's not one that you would choose for yourself. That's what you can do. You can decide what you're going to do next. You are not. You are not choosing every feeling that you experience. When people say you control the way you feel, I highly oppose that. I do not agree with that. But you do. You do choose if you're going to numb that feeling away and push it down, suppress it, or if you're going to hold space and feel it and accept it and get curious about it and even talk with it. Because feelings are messengers, not leaders. So if you're going to allow that feeling to deliver a valuable message to you, then you are more equipped as a leader or with a perspective that you maybe weren't considering in the first place. So I like to view it as like, our feelings are advisory board. Um, just like the movie Inside out. There are some. I mean, if I were on, like, that movie directory board, I would make some changes for sure. But I love. I love the visual of it anyway. And it's something that we can refer to here. But anyway, you don't control all of your feelings. Like, we're just not even gonna say that. But you do get to decide what you think, what you say and what you do. And even when it comes to what you think, I'm referring to what you are consciously thinking because you don't control the 95% that's going on in the background that can create feelings. I'm talking about what you intentionally choose to consciously think. That's what you control, what you say and what you do. So when you are in the middle of these hard circumstances, be it a miscarriage conflict, with family members having a hard time around a family member that tends to be leaning more towards that negative perspective. And it feels draining for you if you feel like a conversation needs to be had with your spouse or you are unhappy with intimacy going on there, if you are not connecting with your kids and you're not, you do not enjoy the way that they are expressing their emotions. Something at your work, something in your neighborhood, something at the school. Whatever it is, what you can do is focus on who you are, what you think, what you say and what you do. That's what you can do. No matter the circumstance, you get to decide who you will be showing up to that circumstance. So if you've experienced a miscarriage, are you proud of who you were when you showed up to that circumstance? Or did you bully yourself? Did you shame yourself? Did you put yourself down? Did you criticize your body? Did you neglect taking care of yourself? Those are the things inside of our control. So I just want us all to be able to take a step back and realize I don't control everything that's going to happen in my life. And maybe one day you'll be able to see a new perspective to it all. I certainly did not grow up thinking, oh, my life happens for me, not to me. No, I very much thought my life was happening to me. I had a very strong victim mentality, and I didn't even know about a victim mentality. So it was a. It was a very loud narrative in my head that was never challenged by me at all. Um, because at that time, I didn't even know that I could control my perspective. I didn't. I did not know that. Um, and who I believe I am. I just thought that I was who other people say I am and what I choose to do. I literally thought that I was just a reaction to what other people are doing. So it's like, well, I need these people to change first. I need these circumstances to change first. And then I can change, and then I can stop holding grudges, and then I can stop screaming, and then I can stop thinking this way. It was just, again, I had just the. The textbook victim mentality going on, which, again, is why I love this work so much. So if you find yourself in that miscarriage, are you proud of the way that you are showing up for yourself? And if you're not, what can you change? Do you have to bully yourself? Do you have to shame yourself? Do you have to put your body down and criticize it? During this process, do you have to push people away from you that are trying to help you? No, you don't have to do those things. You can do those things if you want to. And I love you no matter what you choose, because I know that you're a good person. I know that you're doing the best you can. I know that hurt people. Hurt people. So this isn't about me and what I think about you. It's about you and what you think about you. What do you think about you? Yes, you're in these circumstances, but what do you think about yourself and the way that you're showing up to the circumstance? Even if it's hard, even if you wouldn't choose it for yourself, even if it's something that you never thought that you'd have to go through, even if all of that, who are you choosing to be? That matters. That matters because it doesn't just change the way we show up for other people. It changes the way we show up for ourselves. It changes the self worth that we see in ourselves because we feel truly and believe that I control me. My circumstances don't control me. Other people don't control me. My feelings don't control me. My kids don't control me. My work environment doesn't control me. I control me. And I'm a freaking big deal. And I am empowered and I am unstoppable and I am limitless and I can do whatever the frick I want to do. Even if I feel afraid, I can do it with my fear right by my side. It's just, that's identity, that's mindset, and that's what happens when you get them into alignment. So I wanted this episode to really encourage you to think about who are you choosing to be, even in the circumstances that you're in. And we could talk all day about the things that you. That are not your favorite. That's what, that's what I hear all the time on social media when people reach out to me for advice and things. And I don't, I don't like to give advice over social media. I love to coach inside of my courses and share here different perspectives. But even in my courses, when we're talking about like intimacy, intimacy in a marriage. And you know, there's all these reasons why the dinner routine is the problem. And my husband gets home too late from work. And I want it to be spontaneous and I want it to be exciting and I want this, this, this. And then when we ask ourselves like, well, am I proud of the way that I've been showing up? Am I proud of the way that I've been contributing? Am I proud of the, the way that I've been thinking about my spouse? Because that's what you do. Control. And circumstances can change for sure. But are we allowing ourselves the opportunity to create what we want? If you want more excitement, if you want more things, to just feel spontaneous and, and be flirty and whatever that language is for you, like, if you want More of that. Are you giving yourself the opportunity to do it, or are you looking for more reasons why you can't do it? I can't do it because of the dinner routine. I can't do it because my husband gets home too late. I can't do it because he wants to watch TV at the end of the. I can't do it because the kids aren't napping consistently. I can't do it because the baby's still waking up in the middle of the night. I can't do it because I don't feel confident in my body. I can't do it because that was never modeled around me. I can't do it because I feel too uncomfortable. Like, are you looking for more reasons why you can't, or are you looking for more reasons why you can? You can. You can have what you want. You can be who you want to be. You can do what you want to do. It doesn't mean it's going to feel comfortable. All growth feels uncomfortable. If I asked you to stand up right now and do 10 air squats, your legs would. Would start to feel uncomfortable. Why? Because you're working them, you're challenging them, you're asking them to grow, to be stronger. And it's the same thing with the mind. It's the same thing with the emotions. You're going to experience that discomfort. Spiritually, you're going to experience that discomfort. And it doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong. It means that you're doing something different, something unfamiliar. Think about your life. How many areas in your life would you like to start doing something different? How many areas of your life would you start to. Would you like to start doing what may seem uncomfortable just because you've never done it before? It's not familiar. Do you want to experience that in motherhood? Would you like to change some things in motherhood? Would you like to change some things in your marriage, in your relationship with your parents or your. In laws or social media, your work, whatever? Think about all the areas that you want to start showing up differently. It is going to feel uncomfortable because you showing up differently means in an area that you'd like to grow. That's how your mind is thinking about this. It's like, oh, these are the things that I'd like to do differently in terms of. I would feel more proud of the way that I'm handling it. It's going to feel very uncomfortable. Not because it's wrong or bad, but because it's different. And you're growing, and all growth feels uncomfortable. So with this podcast episode, I want you to look at your circumstances and ask yourself, am I proud of who I am choosing to be in my circumstances? If the answer is yes, go get them, girlfriend. Proud of you. If the answer is no, I freaking love you, girlfriend. I'm proud of you for being here. I'm proud of you for showing up. I'm proud of you for seeking resources and guidance that I can offer, but also tons of other places and. And accounts and influences out there that can offer it to you. But thank you for letting me be a part of that, because that's what I'm so passionate about, because I've experienced it myself. I'm not passionate about this because I think life is easy and you can have whatever you want because you just say that you want it and you get it. No, no, I. I'm so passionate about this and purposeful in it because it's worked in my own life. So I'm just gonna keep on going. I'm gonna keep on going in it, and I know that it's my calling, and I'm gonna keep on walking it. And. And the more that I allow myself to experience things that feel uncomfortable, like hosting a retreat, I know the better I will be for you, for everyone else, and for myself. So look at the areas in your life. Are you proud of the way that you're showing up? If the answer is no, what do you want to start doing differently? How could you look at the same circumstances that you've been in or are in and come up with a different way to handle them? Get out a pen and piece of paper, write the circumstance that you're in at the top of the piece of paper, and put right below that, how do I want to handle this? What do I want to do about this? Not the reactivity. Not the reactivity. Not the looking for all the reasons why you can't change something. I want you to just get honest with yourself and figure out, what do I really want? How do I want to handle this? Who do I want to be? How do I want to feel? What do I want to do? And when you get really clear on that, it's easier to create the game plan of like, okay, this is how I'm gonna do it. So you just write out that circumstance on the top of your piece of paper and you allow yourself to explore who do I wanna be showing up to this circumstance? Do I wanna be reactive? Do I wanna be aggressive? Do I wanna be abusive? Do I Want to be judgmental? Do I want to be critical? Do I want to be ashamed? Do I want, do I want to be. I mean, who do you like? Think about the way you've been handling it. How would you describe the way that you've been handling it? And now think of who you want to be. Do you want to be responsive? Do you want to be compassionate? Do you want to be light hearted, flirty, fun? Do you want to be spontaneous, excited, energetic? Do you want to be productive, intentional, enthusiastic, creative? A visionary? Like, who do you want to be in the circumstances that you find yourself in? Do you want to be gentle? You want to be nurturing? There's so many ways that you can look at this and really you're the only person stopping you. I know sometimes it doesn't feel like we're the only people stopping us because we have people in our lives that say mean things and we have people in our lives that are doing things that are very hurtful towards us. And we have our kids doing things that even though they're not trying to hurt us, it's very triggering because it's, it's like hitting directly on something that we haven't healed yet and that feels so hard. And they don't understand. And likely we don't understand in the moment. And some, some of us never, never understand. It's not even in the moment. But you are the only person stopping you from being who you want to be. It's not your kids, not your spouse, it's not your in laws, it's not your parents, it's not your grandparents, it's not your co workers, it's not your boss, it's not your neighbor, it's not your best friend, your ex friend, your sister. It's you. And I, I, it's me too. It's not just. It's you are the person stopping you, but I'm the person stopping me. And my, my girlfriends, they're the people stopping them. And when we can allow ourselves to just take a step back from our circumstances and realize regardless of the circumstances, I can love myself, I can be proud of the way that I handle them. It's so powerful. It is. And I hope that I can equip mothers especially, but women all over the world to know that no matter the circumstances, you can be proud of who you are and the way that you show up to them because change is the only constant. So when that circumstance changes into another one or something different or whatever it is, you can know that you handled it in A way that you feel very proud of and your self worth is intact and your self love is thriving and you can look for all the reasons why you can do what you want to do instead of all the reasons why you can't. So I hope this was tremendously helpful for you. And if you love journaling exercises, please just go grab the Alignment Journaling course because I can teach you how to write without prompts. You don't need me to give you prompts in these podcast episodes or on emails or anything like that. You can just write through your own circumstances, your own thoughts, your own feelings, your experiences. There's enough going on in your mind. You don't need me to put another another thing on there. You need to start creating stillness in your mind by actually holding space for what's going on up there and inside of Alignment Journaling. I can teach you how to do that. I can teach you how to use your thoughts, your feelings, your circumstances and turn it into this masterpiece where you condition your mind to find new perspectives instead of thinking like, oh, I need Tessa to post a new mindset swap reel. No you don't. No you don't. Your mind is wildly capable and you'll even see perspectives that I myself don't see because we all are so powerful and we all have something valuable to share. So I love you dearly. I linked the Alignment Journaling course below and if you are interested in revive oh my in person retreats, the enrollment for that is going to be the end of April, early May time frame. Get on my email list to make sure that you're updated on that. And if you enroll in Revive, it also gives you a spot in my group coaching that will start at the end of June. So it's amazing we get to know each other for 12 weeks. I'll be very familiar with your story, what's going on, where you're trying to improve and we'll work together for 12 weeks before we even see each other at Revive. Truly, I have not heard of other experiences put together this way and, and I'm so grateful and I'm so excited that I get to be the one to do it this way because I think it's an incredible way to do things. So that's the way it's gonna happen. And then if you're interested in just group coaching and not going to the retreat, attending that, the enrollment for that will be the beginning of June, so lots of fun things coming. I'm so proud of you. Thank you for being here, holding space for me so I can hold space for you. And I really hope that this just poured into you and filled your cup a little bit more. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.