47. What Would The World Look Like If People Could Only Be Who You Say They Are?

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be, with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Oh, what a joy it is to meet you here on the podcast. Look at us freaking go. Okay, I have this episode planned out for you, and it's something that I've just been wanting to talk more about, and I have a lot of thoughts about it that I'm like, you know, we're just going to share it on the podcast, so buckle up, buttercup. Here we freaking go. If you are new here or you're seasoned, as in you're caught up with me here on the podcast, you know that I love working through identity, and you know that I believe identity is the foundation of why we do what we do, why we're thinking what we're thinking. It all comes back to who we believe we are. And so many of us say, you know, I have no idea who I am. I don't know who I am. I. I lost myself in motherhood, and I've shared my thoughts on that, too. I really think you lost yourself long before motherhood, first of all. And second, if you just examine and really observe your I am statements that you use every single day, you'll get real clear on who you believe you are, and it will likely be a brutal awakening within you. It's not gonna feel good. And I'm here to equip you and prepare you for explore that. And through that, because I did the exact same thing. I can seriously remember, before having Liam, we were renting this little house, and it had. It was just so stinking dark in there. Oh, it was just like, this depressing environment, and I would try so hard to, like, keep it bright, and there was just, like, no windows. Anyway. Anyway, it was the whole freaking thing. But I remember when we lived there, I was also going to school, and I would tell Marcus all the time, I'm drowning. I'm drowning. I'm drowning. I am overwhelmed. I am exhausted. I am stressed. I am anxious. I am angry. I am a grudge holder. And I would just say it all the freaking time. All the freaking time. Those are my I am statements. Like, it was very rare that I had an I am statement. That was empowering, positive, a good perspective of myself. They were all trash. They Were all just. They were all freaking hurtful. They were hurtful. So anyway, in saying that, though, and pausing and being able to observe like, okay, this is what I'm saying about myself. This is who I'm saying I am. And then realizing like, oh, my gosh, my mind. My mind is taking all of this as a command. I am drowning. Okay, sure, let's just feel like we're drowning. Even though we're not in the water, we're just gonna feel like it's really hard to breathe, that there's hands around my throat, a chain wrapped around my chest, and I'm just sitting, sinking to the freaking bottom. That's what it would feel like physically. And in my own self discovery and healing journey, I went on this, like, deep, deep, deep dive down to the bottom so I could meet myself where I was at and figure out, like, what the frick is going on and why am I doing this to myself. So anyway, with that identity piece, that's where my identity was at. Now during that same time. We'll pause before we go there. You guys have to love these episodes. I'm sure if you ever have a phone call with me, this is exactly what it's like. So anyway, before we go there, if you are someone that's like, tessa, I don't know who I am, that's what I'm challenging you to do right now. I'm challenging you to just observe for a whole freaking day every single I am statement that you're thinking and that you're saying out loud. Write them down. Just write them all down. No judgment. Just observe what you're saying, observe what you're thinking and write it down. And at the end of the day, look at that list and ask yourself, take. Does it make sense why I feel the way I feel, why I think the things that I think, and why I'm doing what I'm doing every single day. And I am pretty positive, I am 98% positive that the answer will be, yeah, it makes sense. Okay? That's how powerful identity is. Now, moving on from there, I want you to imagine this because this is the other part of what's happening with all of this identity work is the way you're viewing the world, the way you're viewing other people. Now, going back to where I was personally at several years ago now in that tiny, stinking, dark house with the trashy carpet, the. The. The flooring. I remember, gosh, there was. There must have been a hole in the floor at some point with the renters before us. And they just like cut the square out and then they like patched another square right there on our kitchen floor. And I remember looking at that freaking square with the black glue that they used. I'm like, why? Oh, so many things. I learned so much from the house. Like the fridge drawer breaking, for example, trying to put like LED lights in the house, hoping that would help. And here's my favorite part, friends. I'm just going to tell you a little bit more about this house before I tell you the other part of this exercise. But another wonderful part is in the master. The master, quote unquote. Marcus and I had our bed. The bed, like the head of the bed was against the window, like, because that was centered to the room and it's the only logical place to put the bed. And then the window behind us, it was, you know, a bunch of light would come in and we, we were on a very, very tight budget. Just, I mean, what is a budget where there's like no wiggle room? What is that called? Whatever that would be called is where we were at. So that was the budget where going and buying like blackout curtains just was not an option. So I got resourceful. And I remember I had this dolphin blanket that like an aunt, something I'm sure twice removed from my family, I don't know, made for me when I was like a teenager and I was obsessed with dolphins. Obsessed. So anyway, it's this multi color, like bright pink, bright blue, bright purple, there's bright greens, and my name's embroidered on the bottom with the year. It's just like one of those cute blankets that's gifted to you. And I freaking nailed that blanket to the wall to block out the light that came in through that window of that house. Gosh, Marcus and I were just talking about this the other day. We were sitting on our bed and we were like dreaming of what, what this coaching could look like. Cause I remember I told him, like, hey, I. I had already been running Body by Mommy my workout community for nine months. And I told him, I wanna start coaching women. Like, I really think I could create like a 12 week course and coach these women and teach them how to really love themselves so that they don't need diets anymore. That was like my first course that I ever made. And I remember like pitching him this idea and we're dreaming of what it could look like and freaking dolphin blanket was hanging on the wall. So if that's any inspiration for you at all to look around where you're at right now, and know that it's not gonna last forever. And the headspace that you have is the most valuable. It's the most valuable place that you can protect. Really? Your headspace is so valuable. It's so valuable. So just be careful of the influences you're allowing in there because you have great ideas. You do. And you are wildly capable of pursuing everything that lights your heart on fire. You just need to start getting really aware of who you're letting in up there. Now beyond that. Okay, we all have great ideas. Awesome. The dolphin blanket on the window pitch and Mark is an idea where we're coming back to his identity. And at that point in time when we lived in that house, I just, I wouldn't say right at that moment, but probably like 18 months before that. Friends, I had a very harsh way of viewing people. I mean, I was pretty judgmental, not gonna lie, Especially towards family members. My, like my mom, okay, I was like really mean towards her. But anyway, here's my point. I would say to people all the time, and even to Marcus, like my fabulous, wonderful man, I would just like say these really mean you are statements to him. So as much as you're, I want you to pay attention to your I am statements, I really want you to pay attention to the you are statements that you're using too. And that's actually the point of this episode is the you are statements that you're using and what the world would look like. I want you to like mentally walk yourself through this idea of what if the people in the world could only ever be who you said they are. So for example, who would your neighbor be? If your neighbor could only be who you say they are, who would your kids be? Who would your spouse be? Who would your boss be? Who would your mom be? Who would your sister, Your brother, your in laws, Your cousin, The random stranger? Who would we all be if it was only decided by who you say we are? So again, get out a piece of paper, write down everybody's name. Write down your husband's name, Write down your kids names. Who would they be if they could only be who you said they are? Now let's think about what's commonly said. Okay. Let's think about what's commonly said about kids. You are mean. You are a bully. You are disrespectful. You are selfish. You are inconsiderate. You are lazy. You're a perfectionist. You're a people pleaser. You are insecure. You're annoying. You're hyper. You are. I mean, what do you. What do you say to your kids? What do you say to your spouse? You're lazy. You're inconsiderate. You're selfish. You are a failure. You're a screw up. You are inconsistent. What do you say to him? And the same thing about your parents. You know, who do you say that your parents are? Are they bad parents? You're just bad people. The strangers that you're like, oh, you're an idiot. You're stupid. I want you to just pause today. Get out a piece of paper, let yourself be vulnerable. You can burn this piece of paper for all I care when you're done. So not about that. I just want you to get honest with yourself and ask yourself this question. What would the world look like? What kind of people would fill the world if people could only be who I say they are? And no, you don't control what other people are doing. So let's say people make bad choices. That's so, so true. Does that mean you need to call them bad people? No. No. Your spouse may very well do something that's selfish. Does that mean you have to call him selfish? No. Because every time you tell your spouse you are selfish, it gets internalized to an I am statement, I am selfish. And please don't be surprised when you see more of those behaviors. Same thing with your kids. You are mean, you are annoying. It gets internalized to the I am statement, I am mean, I am annoying. Don't be surprised when you see more of those behaviors because who we believe we are is the foundation of why we do what we do. Yes, we've experienced trauma and that trauma has influenced who we believe we are and the experiences that we've been through. Whether you want to call it trauma or not, your life experiences have influenced who you believe you are as a person. So do you believe that you are capable or incapable? Do you believe that you are hopeful or helpless? Do you believe that you're empowered or do you believe that you're a victim? Do you believe that you are energetic or do you believe you're lazy? Do you believe that you're unhealthy or healthy? Let's say, let's say your spouse you like, want so badly for them to be making better choices with their nutrition and their health and to really prioritize some type of movement. And you just know that if they would just start working out, they would feel better and maybe they wouldn't feel so tense and stressed and you constantly tell them you're just so unhealthy. You're so unhealthy. You are unhealthy. Do you think that's going to help them make like really healthy choices with their nutrition, with their exercise, the way they're managing their stress, the way they're living their life? Do you think that's going to help them or is it hurting them? Because they're going to internalize that to I am unhealthy. See, I knew it. They're just going to keep on doing the same thing. Sometimes the best thing you can do, arguably most the time or all the time, the best thing you can do is help people see what they're capable of. Help people see who you want them to be. Because personally, now in my life, if the world was filled with people that could only be who I said they are, I think the world would look really freaking good. Because I choose to separate who I believe someone is from what they're doing. Even from the way that they've treated me. I believe that hurt people hurt people. So if someone's hurting, I call it that. Wow, this person feels hurt. That's how they feel. It's not who they are. And that's been a huge step for me in my own life. And just changing that narrative and dialogue with myself has helped me heal tremendously. Because I'm finally able to see I am not stuck this way. I'm not stuck this way. I feel hurt. And that is valid. I've been through a lot. I've never learned how to heal or process or regulate myself. I don't know the meaning to all these things. And for a freaking long time I just believe that I'm the angry, grudge holding, resentful person that's just always going to be this way. And it just was never true. It was just one perspective of me. So if you're looking at this piece of paper and you're asking yourself, you know, what would the world look like if it was only if the people in it could only be who I say they are. And you look at who you tell your husband he is and your, and your kids who they are, and your neighbor and your parents and your in laws and your boss. And you're. And you're looking at all the you are statements that you just so willingly pass out to people. I just want to encourage you to start holding yourself accountable because you'll never control what other people choose to do, but you can decide and very intentionally who you believe this person is. And just imagine in your mind, act like you're that powerful really, just pretend for a minute, pretend that you are so powerful that someone can only be who you say they are. And in that hardest moment where they're just doing something that you really don't like, you remember that this person can only be who I say they are. So who do I want them to be? Do I want to limit them? Do I want to limit them to that harsh, harsh, aggressive, cold, bully, resentful, neglectful, lazy, hurtful, hateful. I mean, who do I want this person to be? Who do you want your spouse to be? How do you think they would feel truly about themselves if they started hearing some nice you are statements? Because I'm willing to bet that most of their I am statements are in the garbage, just like mine were several years ago. And how far are we really going to get when that's the self talk? Not very far. Same with you. You're not going to grow into who you want to be by using I am statements that are literally hurting you. You're not gonna get there that way. And you have this remarkable power to start helping people see other perspectives of themselves. It's just a perspective. None of this is fact. It's not a fact that you are only these things. It's just what we choose to say to ourselves. But it could be more true. It could. The good things that we wanna think about ourselves. I am consistent. I am intentional. I am energetic. I am deliberate, active. I am creative. I am kind. I am hopeful. I am faithful. I am unwavering. I am consistent. Those, those better things that we want to think about ourselves, those are just as true, if not more true. And yet all it is is another perspective. And when we take that other perspective and we choose to nurture becomes so much stronger and so much louder. And then we start seeing more and more examples of just how we are consistent in our everyday life. Wow. I consistently take care of my kids. I consistently care for the home. I consistently go to bed at this time. I consistently wake up at this time. I consistently drink this much water. I consistently get these things done. And we can start seeing like, wow, I'm a really freaking consistent person. That's awesome. I'm going to use this consistency that I'm already great at and apply it to just one more thing. Exercise. How amazing would it be if that's the approach you chose to take when it came to your personal development and you becoming who you want to be? That would feel so much better for you, I promise. And that's exactly what I do in my life too. And it's possible for you. And as much as it is possible with I am statements, I believe that you are statements are just as strong, they're just as meaningful, they're just as important and they're something that are entirely in your control. You don't have to wait for someone else to change before you choose to change your perspective of that person. You don't need to wait for their self talk to improve before you start improving your talk to them what you choose to say to them. You are responsible for everything that you think, say and do. We have to act like it too. We have to act like I am responsible for who I tell this person that they are. It's not their fault if I choose to say really hurtful, mean things to them or about them. That's on me. And that says everything about me. So I don't have to say oh, she's a bad mom. And you know, I have said that about my mom and I don't say that anymore. That's not who I want her to be. And if people we're gonna pretend and I've conditioned my mind to view it this way, just imagine that people can only be who you say they are. Who do I want my mom to believe she is? And that's just, it's a real question that I ask myself all the time. And I just imagine what I want the world to look like. And if I am contributing to that greater vision and by contributing to it I just mean what I'm choosing to say to other people. And doing so very intentionally. Don't be a reaction. Seriously, don't just wait for someone to do or say something and let that determine how you're going to view this person. I mean it will, yes, it's going to influence you. And if you think that it, it has the power to get you out of alignment with who you want to be, then there's a deeper problem there. And the problem is never going to be the person standing in front of you. It's going to be you. Because that's where it's coming from. It's who you believe you are. It's what you are choosing to think about this person. There's always a reason why we do what we do. And it's not because we're screw ups. It's not because we're terrible people. It's because we're people that have been through a lot. And like me several years ago, who the frick taught us how to heal, who taught us how to view ourselves who's been teaching us the power of what we're thinking and, and who we believe we are. And with shame and with boundaries and self forgiveness and self love and our mindset in general and the victim mentality. Like, who's teaching us these things? Cuz I kind of think we should have learned it in like the first grade. I think that's the first thing that should have ever been taught to us when we came to an age like that and we're, and we're around peers is those I am statements. And really when you think back about it, we were, we were taught those things. Remember the little cutout of a person and they asked you to like, say who you are. You're like, oh, my name is Tessa and I am fun and I am kind and I am energetic and I'm creative and I am silly and I am funny. And we just did that. And I mean, I don't know the last time you did that. It's probably been a really long time. And maybe, maybe that's a sign that we need to just slow down and do that some more. And this, and in this episode, I really wanted to encourage you that as you're in the process of slowing down and figuring out who you really are, I want you to view it as a superpower that you now have. Imagine that you have the power to decide who other people are going to believe they are through your you are statements. I want you to really challenge yourself when your kids do something that you're like, oh, I don't like that you are so kind. That right there, that wasn't a kind thing to do. And I'm pretty sure we can think of a kind thing to do because that's just who you are. You are kind and you are smart. It can feel really hard to learn something new. I know it feels hard for me to learn new things too. And when it feels hard, that means your brain is learning. Just like when we do jumping jacks, sometimes that feels hard. Here, let's try, let's try. Let's do some jumping jacks. You do jumping jacks with your kids? You're like, man, that feels hard, right? Because your body's getting stronger. It's working really hard. So when we look at this piece of paper, we're doing this task or we're figuring this thing out and our mind just. It feels hard. That means it's learning. And you are so smart. You are so capable of learning. I love to watch you learn every single day. And you do learn every single day. You are a learner and we can use really, do you see that? You can use really empowering ur statements no matter the circumstances. And you know, we can take it back to the basic rule of thumb. If you don't have anything to say, don't say anything at all. Really. Let's go back to all the things we learned as a kid. But really, I just hope that this podcast episode inspires you a little bit to consider the next time you're scrolling, you're strolling through the grocery store or even on social media and you're scrolling there or you are in an interaction with somebody, an encounter interaction with someone else. You're you're talking with your neighbor or some person driving behind you is doing something that you feel bothered by, or you're talking with your spouse and you see him doing something that you don't like. I want you to really challenge yourself to remain accountable and responsible for every single ur statement that leaves your mouth and to challenge yourself to make those you are statements something that would make the world a better place. Let's do that. I'll do it with you. Every you are statement is going to make the world a better place. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.