5. The Magic in Self-Forgiveness

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. This is a place for us to come together and not only understand who we are, but how to become exactly who we want to be while developing the right skills and tools to help us do so. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and I can't wait to get started. Wowza. It's gonna be a good week, my friends in the podcast world, because this week I'm going to be teaching you how to take that thing that's holding you back and turn it into self forgiveness. This is something that I believe anyone can do as soon as you give yourself permission to do so. And remember, a lot of that permission is going to come from your identity. Remember identity, permission to be exactly who you want to be without fear of judgment or failure. Your mindset tells you how to do it and your actions solidify that identity. So if you're kind of confused on the things that I just mentioned in the last few seconds, please, please go back to episodes identity and mindset, how they work together. Now, what's really going to help you through this episode about self forgiveness is listening to the previous one, the thing holding you back. Because I'm going to be relating this directly to my personal story of one example of many about the thing that was holding me back, and that is I loved a pedophile. That was my shame. That was the thing that made me just have a really hard time with body image. It made me just feel like I wasn't worthy of love and belonging and I wanted to hide from all these things. I wouldn't be who I'm meant to be and who I truly want to be because of this thing that I never healed from. Now I can think of a lot of areas in our lives that we need to have self forgiveness. Motherhood is the one that stands out to me the most because every single day you are dealing with little humans that are their own people. And it can be difficult to navigate sometimes because what we're doing is we're taking our own personal experiences from our childhood or our adolescence and trying to apply it to another human. And it's a huge learning curve. You're trying to figure out what works best for your child while really just going based off of what you know how to do right here in this moment, which is a great example of how self forgiveness would help you be the mother that you want to be. If you have shame holding you back, the shame might be. Or that thing might be I yell at my kids or I spank my kids or I don't enjoy how frustrated I get with them or, or I'm irritable or I'm not present handling all of those things. Being able to apply self forgiveness means that you can give yourself another chance to get it right. Because I promise you, your kids have already forgiven you. They have like a two second rebound of, yeah, you did that, but it's okay, let's do this now. Like, gosh, just beauty and grace and empathy and love all embodied in a tiny little person. It is seriously the most beautiful thing if you really observe your kids and. But going back to the self forgiveness that you need to be able to apply to yourself, it's going to come from knowing who you are. When you know that you slip out of alignment with that identity that you're creating for yourself and the mindset that you are practicing with that identity, we're going to slip out of alignment. There's still triggers, there's still hardship and challenges and moments where it's going to be difficult to be who you want to be and that's life. But if you have the ability to break it down, make it make sense and say, you know what? I forgive myself, I forgive myself because I know I did the best I could. And sometimes we need a deeper sense of self forgiveness than that. And I'm going to tell you guys how to do that right now. Let's go back to the motherhood example. So let's say you yelled at your kids. And that is completely out of alignment with the identity that you're creating for yourself of calm, patient, present, playful mother yelling at your kids doesn't align with that. You, you yelled at him. And now you're going into the thing, the shame, it's starting to creep up. You can feel it physically, emotionally. You can like feel that sense coming over you. Instead of going into the shame and turning to the closest source of numbing, which we're going to do an episode coming up shortly about numbing. But instead of turning to the closest source of numbing, be able to sit with it for a second. Wow, I just really showed up outside of my identity, outside of who I really know I am. Why did that happen? What's going on? Ask yourself those questions, get really curious and figure out, why did you yell at your kids? And the answer cannot be, well, I'm just a bad mom, because that's a lie. That's not true. That is, you may be numbing. That could be your source of numbing, just beating yourself down, negative self talk because it, for a second, it makes you feel like you have the answer, but that's not the answer. The answer is probably, well, I yell to my kids because I just, in that moment, felt so overwhelmed. I don't know how to deal with a crying baby and a screaming toddler that pushed the baby. And everything seems like so much right now. Plus, there's the stress of work and finances in my marriage and family relationships and my friendships over here. Am I doing enough for all these people? Usually it's not even about our kids throwing a tantrum. It's about everything else beneath the surface that we haven't processed through. But once you can make it make sense why you yelled, then you can say, you know what? I know why I did that. And I forgive myself for even thinking for a second that I'm not an incredible mother, because I know I am. And now that I've forgiven myself for that and I've made it make sense, I'm going to move forward and step into the identity that I'm creating for myself and show my kids a proper apology, because that is a useful skill for them to have. And I can teach that to them. So that's just a simple example. But I do want to take this back to my personal example of how I personally use self forgiveness to heal from the trauma, hardships and challenges that I have faced and all of the times that I have stepped out of alignment with who I know I am and giving myself that room to just breathe and grow and sit with it. So if you listen to that last episode of the thing that was holding me back from being who I want to be, that was. I loved a pedophile. That was a huge source of shame for me. And it made me just not want to step up and rise and be who I want to be. Because I wanted to hide in comfort and darkness and be mean to myself. While over here, it just felt way more comfortable. But then, like I said, I went through my pregnancy with Liam and I was just sick of being angry, being angry at myself, being angry at the experiences that I've been through. It just. It was a complete waste of energy for me at that point. So getting to the point of self forgiveness and my. My mom's ex husband ended up calling my older sister and apologizing to her and not me. And then I ended up feeling hurt instead of angry. And then all the confusion flooded in. Well, that's when I knew that I needed to heal. Right? It wasn't anger, it was hurt. And I needed My own type of closure and my own form of healing. So I spent those three months just really every single day trying in any single way that I could think of to come up with my own source of healing. And finally it was more self forgiveness driven. It was getting to a point of understanding I know why I loved him. I had to make my shame make sense. So my shame was I loved a pedophile. Making it make sense meant my dad passed away when I was six years old. All I've ever wanted was a dad. Look at these Christmas letters that I wrote as a kid. I can't make that up. It's right there in front of me. I wanted a dad so desperately. Look at all these pictures of the fun times that we had together. I loved him. I trust him. He checked all my boxes. Everyone had wonderful things to say about him. We created incredible memories together. Like there were a lot of great parts that led to how much I loved him. And all of that anger. Well, doesn't it make sense when you love someone so much and then there's so much hurt and deceivement and pain to follow that you feel angry. And that anger can really disguise that hurt quite nicely. So when I was able to piece together my shame and make it make sense, that thing that was holding me back, there was nothing else to be mad at for myself. I don't have to be mad at myself that I loved a pedophile. I know why I loved him. There might be some people listening to this podcast, like, yeah, girl, I still don't get it. I don't get how you could possibly love a pedophile, blah, blah, blah. But I don't feel shame from that because nobody knows my full story, and no one knows your full story either. And this is a really great point as to why we can't just sit around seeking forgiveness from other people because other people don't know why you do what you do. Only you do. Only you know your full story. And it's an incredible thing to be able to sit down with yourself and think about all the things you've been through. We've all stepped out of alignment. We've all made those mistakes. Hopefully we learn from them. We've had challenges and hardship and trauma, but being able to sit down and be like, oh my God, look how much I've been through, like, sure, I've made these mistakes, but gosh, it makes sense why I was struggling. And this is something that it can be an incredible source of healing for you. And that's Why I want to encourage you to do it for with me, find this self forgiveness. Where do you need it? How can you apply it? So in my personal journey again, going back to try and make it make sense, I wasn't just looking at the thing anymore and saying, God, I loved a pedophile. What's wrong with me? I knew that was wrong. I could have done better. La dee da. I wasn't just doing that anymore. I was going to, well, why? Why did I love a pedophile? Now it makes sense. Now it can't just be I loved a pedophile, it's, oh, I know why I did it. And in my mind it only has to make sense. In my mind it doesn't have to make sense to you, it needs to make sense to me if I'm going to get to self forgiveness. So if you've ever stepped out of alignment and maybe you've hurt someone that you didn't want to hurt or you've been hurt by somebody, you don't need their permission to forgive yourself. You have to give yourself permission to heal you. You are responsible for healing you. No one else can do it. Because I'll tell you right now, if my mom's ex husband called me just three months before I start, you know, before he called my sister, if he called me before he called my sister, I would have cussed him out, hung up the phone, ranted and raved about how much I hate him. He's the worst person to walk the plane. I can't believe he has the nerve to call me. Oh, all of my anger would have come forward because anger is my comfort. Anger disguises my hurt. And whenever I feel myself turning to anger, it's a clear indicator to me that there's something deeper. There's something I haven't worked through or healed yet. So it's honestly the best thing that he didn't give me that apology before my sister or really at all. I'm so thankful for that because it forced me to figure my crap out and to learn how to love myself and to learn what all this shame was and the things that were holding me back and how to make them make sense. Because I am not a screw up. You are not a screw up. We are not just people on this planet constantly trying to find ways to hurt other people. I don't believe that at all. I think there's a reason why we do what we do. And I am grateful that he didn't call me first because like I said, I would have hung up the phone and just stayed with anger and had no reason to push forward to growth. He called my sister, which showed me that I'm actually hurt, not angry, and I needed to unpack that more. And then when I called him, I was already in a position where I knew in my heart, with every ounce of my being, I did the best I could and there's nothing that I could have done differently. I have nothing to be ashamed of, I have nothing to hide from, and I can take full ownership of everything that I've done and extend that self forgiveness to me. So when I've decided, you know what, yeah, I loved a pedophile, but I know why I did it. I forgive myself for mistreating myself over the past 12 years. I forgive myself for holding on to anger and resentment over the past 12 years. If you're listening to this like your mind is blown and you've been maybe like me, waiting for 12 years for an apology that you're never going to get. And even if you were to get it, would you even accept it? Because I know I wouldn't. You have to be able to sit down and take full ownership for what you think, what you say, and what you do. And if I share this story in just a simple Instagram post, which I've tried doing, people say you have nothing to be sorry for. Oh my God, don't apologize. You're the victim. La dee da da. Well, you know what? I don't want to freaking be angry either. So how about that? How about I don't sit down and say, you're right. Let me just sit here hating myself and never have the, the healing and just love and growth that I'm craving for my own life. I don't want that. So don't listen to all of the noise of the people saying that you have nothing to be sorry for if you are not happy with the way that you've treated yourself for any period of time. I don't care if it was 10 seconds of negative self talk or a binge eating episode or yelling at your spouse and it made you feel like crap. Extend self forgiveness first, forgive yourself first and then communicate to others. So me being able to go through that self forgiveness, I mean, there are a lot of things I forgave myself for. I forgive myself for seeing my body as the enemy just because someone that hurt me liked my body. That was a huge thing, my body image that totally came from that experience. And I forgive myself for mistreating my body, for holding onto anger and resentment for pretending like I wasn't bothered by all this in the first place, for not seeking the help that I needed sooner, for not pursuing this sooner. Like, whatever it was, I had to forgive myself first. And then when I got on that phone call, I just felt untouchable, unstoppable. I knew what I was doing. I knew my purpose. Yes, I was emotional. I cried at some points. But you know what? I got on the phone call and I just told him that I've been working on myself lately. And I just wanted you to know that I was sorry for holding on to so much anger and resentment against you. I know it didn't serve either one of us. And I just need you to know that I'm not angry anymore. I have that memorized because of how much it changed my life. His response was, I've been waiting for this phone call for a long time. And that's when I started crying. But I also felt very strong and confident in my ability to speak up and say, you know what, if this has been on your mind, I know you called my sister first. And that's honestly what. What forced me into this position to be calling you. Because I now know that I needed this to be said. And being able to take back that, no, it's not going to be a gosh, I should have called sooner. Like, no, no, that's not what this phone call is about. And honestly, it doesn't matter what he says back. I already forgave myself. But being able to sit with this for the amount of time that I needed and really focus on it and the discomfort and the growing pains that came with it, I mean, I've never felt more free in my entire life. No one can ever say, oh, my God, I can't believe you loved a pedophile and make me feel any certain way. I control what I think, say and do. And it wasn't my mom's ex husband's fault that I was angry for 12 years. That was my doing. And I know we don't want to hear that. I know we don't want to hear that. We are in, like, we decide how we're going to feel or when we're going to heal or things like that. I know we don't want to hear that because it's so much easier to say, well, he makes me mad, but how long do you want to stay mad? Because I waited 12 years for a phone call that I never got, for an apology that I never got. And later in the conversation, I think this would put A lot of your minds at ease. He then went on to say no because I told him when he called my sister, it made me feel like I wasn't worthy of that apology. For him to just acknowledge how he's hurt me, it made me feel like I didn't deserve it. And he broke down. He was like, no, no, not at all. You're totally worthy and deserving. I really just thought that you would have picked up the phone and cussed me out, said, go to hell, loser. Like all these things and, and it. I'm so glad that he opened up so vulnerably to say that because it made me realize I probably would have done that. It was such a good thing that he didn't call me first because I just, I wasn't in a position of growth and healing. I was still armoring up with my anger and pretending like I wasn't hurt. So in this journey of self forgiveness for you, I hope that just giving you the example of yelling at your kids or something, for me, that was really traumatizing of I loved a pedophile and the amount of healing that it took for that to happen. I hope that this makes sense. I hope that it's something that you can think of areas in your own life. How do I need to have my own self forgiveness? What do I need to forgive myself for? Have I hurt somebody? That man, it's just been eating at me all these years. Or have I been hurt from somebody? How can I apply empathy here? How can I just understand myself a little bit better? Because I promise you, once you can make your shame make sense, you can move it into self forgiveness because you're no longer attacking who you are as a person. So go ahead and get out a pen and paper and I want you to just have a little opportunity for a writing exercise that might bring a lot of self discovery and healing for you. And I sure as heck hope it does. So the first thing that you need to do is go back to that episode before this one of the thing that's keeping you from being who you want to be. What are your shame points? What are the things for you that make it very difficult for you to be who you want to be? Write those out for me. That example, I loved a pedophile. So you're going to have that on the far left side of your paper and then next to that, just draw a dash, whatever. Can you make it make sense? Just like I explained to you why I loved a pedophile, I can make it make sense. To every last detail. And it's because I spent a lot of time doing so. So you're going to make it make sense right next to it. And then from there I want you to write yes or no. Does it make sense? Yes. Does it not make sense? No. And if the answer is no, it does not make sense. You need to go back to the middle part and keep exploring it. Think all the way back to your childhood. Think about who were your friends at that time, what were your influences, what was the stress like, what was your mindset like, your mental health, your physical health, all the things. Think about all of it and try to imagine yourself at that age, at that time, what were you going through and does it make sense why you did what you did? Once the answer is yes, then we want to take it into some self forgiveness. So on another piece of paper I want you to write out what it is that you feel you need to forgive yourself for. And for me, my self forgiveness needed to come from a place of holding on to so much anger and resentment. That's what I wanted forgiveness for because that's the thing that I wanted to release. I didn't want to do that anymore. And I do need forgiveness for looking at my body as the enemy just because somebody else viewed it in a certain light. So we're going to make the shame make sense and then we're going to break it down a little bit deeper. Where is it that we need the self forgiveness? And then explain, explore different ways to ride it out. For me, being able to say I forgive myself for holding on to so much anger and resentment and calling it my armor and acting like it protected me when really it was just hurting me all this time and I've had the ability and the power to heal, but I wasn't ready then, I'm ready now, I'm ready to release it now and I can't wait to put all this weight down and step into exactly who I want to be without fear of judgment or failure. I mean, get wordy with it, get detailed. Tell yourself exactly what you need to hear for this self healing to happen. Because that is part of being your own best friend. Being able to tell yourself what you need to hear when you need to hear it. And my gosh, we all need to byob. So where are you at girlfriend? Does it start to make sense now how self forgiveness can be a huge game changer for you? If it's something that you feel is a huge struggle for you, please consider applying for my coaching program because I am so passionate about helping you heal the same way that I've been able to myself by using incredible skills and tools such as knowing who you are, aligning your mindset, making sure those actions are affirming the correct identity and mindset, not the one that you're trying to change. And really, it's so helpful to have me help you walk you through this process instead of trying to do it on your own. Although I do believe we can do it on our own because I did it. However, it took me 12 years to figure it out. So you can kind of decide, is it worth it to do it on your own or would you like some additional help? But that's what my coaching program is here for. And this podcast, I hope is a great source of healing and better understanding yourself in a positive space that you can begin to step into exactly who you want to be. Because if there's anything that I want for you, it's for you to be exactly who you want to be. Please feel free to rate and leave a review on this podcast so that I can kind of know, am I helping you? Am I serving you? What can I be doing better? And reach out to me on Instagram Odi by Mommy. That's a great way to get in touch with me if you need help with anything. So I hope you enjoy these updates and I can't wait to catch up with you next week and continue becoming exactly who we want to be without fear of judgment or failure. It is such a wonderful privilege of mine to be here with you in this space, and I hope that you find all the value out of our time together.