50. Get Your Expectations In Check so You Can Change Your Dang Life!

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Oh, hello. Hello. I promise to keep this episode lean and mean for you. So we are going to get right in to to how you are setting your expectations and if you're setting them up to help you succeed and thrive and be who you want to be in your circumstances, or if you might be sabotaging yourself and not even knowing it. So I promise you, the way that I set expectations has literally changed my life. It has changed lives of my clients. And I know that it is something so practical that I can teach you how to do right now that would give you tremendous results. I mean, seriously, just the way you are thinking about your expectations and you're thinking about the people in your life and where you're putting all of your expectations, how you're thinking about all that will drastically change, doesn't that sound amazing? That's why we're having a whole episode about it, because it really is amazing and you deserve to be doing this. So, so many times when we think about expectations, we know, okay, I need to set realistic expectations. That means I need to consider the circumstances that are going on, who this person is that I want to set these expectations for and give them a realistic goal to meet. That's typically how we set our expectations, is we have a goal in mind that we want someone else to achieve, be it the way they talk to us when they get something done, how quickly they go to sleep, for example. Like, if you have an expectation with your kids of how fast they should fall asleep, and maybe you have an expectation of how much money you should be paid for something. Okay? And we set these expectations basically as a way to almost control someone else in a sense that it almost confuses us. We don't realize that we're trying so hard to seek control and for the people in our lives and the circumstances that are truly outside of our control. So we use expectations as a way that is commonly known and it's talked about, and we're setting realistic, quote, unquote, realistic expectations. And the second part of that is communicating them. And then we even go on to communicate them. So we're like, I'm doing everything that I should be doing with my Expectations. I have told you, my mother, for example, what I expect her to do with my kids. And it's so freaking reasonable. It's so freaking realistic. And she still isn't doing it. And then how are you feeling? Well, you're feeling not in alignment with who you want to be. You're feeling a little bit out of control with yourself. And you are just like grasping and starving for this sense of control because you don't like the outcomes that are happening. We don't like it when our mother does xyz, the in laws do xyz, our kids do xyz, our spouse does xyz. So. So we think. So we think setting an expectation is the solution. And that's typically the way that it goes and that we see it happen. And I have a shift on this for you. And this shift is going to make a really big difference. So, yes, I want you to have expectations. Yes, I want them to be realistic and yes, I want them to be communicated. I am not in any way asking you to lower your expectations of people. And something that I heard last year that I thought was so funny, a woman told me, so what, I'm just supposed to put my expectations on the floor? I feel like I'm already expecting just the bare minimum from this person. And it's not about putting your expectations on the floor. I want you to know pretty much what you find to be acceptable in your life and what you will tolerate happening and make room for in, in your life. And when you understand that this is your life and who and what you're choosing to make room for is up to you. And people tell me, well, Tessa, I can't just cut this person off. I live in a small town. You can. You're just choosing not to. And it's okay that you're choosing not to. You just also need to understand that you're the person choosing not to. It is not because you can't, it's because you don't want to. And it's okay if you don't want to own that, own that and you will feel ten times more empowered. So when it comes to our expectations, I don't want you using it as a way to try and seek control. And Liam, my almost five year old, he says sneakily, I sneakily did that. So we're sneakily trying to seek control. And I just don't want that. I don't want that for you because it creates so much, much tension and conflict. And again, you just, you feel out of control and that's how we end up feeling. So when we're going through this and you know that there's a place in your life that you want to set an expectation, be it with a person, a circumstance, whatever, you can have expectations, absolutely keep them realistic, continue communicating them, and you can do that. And, and as you're doing that, I want you to have clear expectations of yourself. Stand in front of your own freaking mirror and ask yourself, how do I expect myself to show up to this circumstance? How do I expect myself to communicate to the person that is not doing the thing that I asked them to do? Be it your child, your mother, your in laws, your spouse, whoever. What expectations are you holding of yourself? You will feel so much more empowered when your mind is majority focusing on those expectations instead of only focusing on the expectations that you are setting and communicating to other people in your life. No matter how many times you tell someone what you expect of them, it still does not control what they choose to do. It just doesn't. I, I can tell my kids, I expect you to put your shoes away. And then they just don't, they don't put their shoes away. And no matter how many times I communicate, hey, this is realistic and I'm communicating to you that I expect you to put your shoes away. Go put your freaking shoes away. They still could choose not to put their shoes away. So do I expect myself to continue doing something and communicating in a way that is not working? Or do I expect, expect myself to show up and pivot and adapt to the circumstances that I'm given to do something different that would work. And I know for my kids, anytime I make something a little bit playful, a little bit fun, like let's race and see. Oh, here's my shoes. Here's your shoes. I bet I could put my shoes away faster than you put your shoes away. Boom. They put their shoes away. And now I'm not making it like putting shoes away is such a chore. I'm making it. Putting shoes away is always like this family game. And we, we enjoy caring for our home, we enjoy caring for our things. Oh, look, mom's going to put her shoes away too. And I love to pursue it that way personally. And I know that, you know, everybody has their own style, everyone has their own approach, and I think that's awesome. And there's more than one way to do things. And you guys know here that I just love to share more about the ways that I'm doing things because I, I learned these things. I learned everything that I Teach you in what seems like the hard way. So I'm like, how can I make this easier for everyone else now that I've this special way that I do things and I know it's not going to work for everybody. All of this self discovery and healing work that I do and like the work that I do, it's not going to be right for everybody. And that's okay. It's not going to be everyone's jam, it's not going to be everyone's style. And that's all right. So if you're listening to this, just know that I'm sharing this in the, in the sense of this has helped me tremendously and I wonder if it will help you too and you can take it for what it is, take what serves you, leave the rest, move on. I think that's awesome. So anyway, how do I expect myself to approach my kids when they are doing something that I ask them not to do instead of just saying it's such a realistic expectation that I've set for them and I expect more of them. And this, this, this like we're putting all of our attention on and focus onto things that are outside of our control. And where our attention goes, energy flows. So we're constantly pouring our energy into things that we don't control when we could put our attention back on ourselves, how we're showing up. Yes, we're still communicating. Yes, we're still having realistic expectations and we're willing to hold expectations of ourselves. I expect myself to get playful, to be compassionate, to pivot, to adapt. When something's not working, I fully expect myself to try something different and not force myself to continue doing it the same way. Because I'm only focusing on what the other person is doing instead of what I'm doing. If you are in a circumstance, you play a role in that circumstance. That's why you're in it. So take the empowerment, take the power that you have to be able to say, what is my part in the circumstance? What role do I play? Because when you focus on that, that's when you see what you're able to do next. What I'm doing isn't working. Here's a circumstance that I have. Don't control that long list over there. I do control what I think, say and do. So. So how can I pull on those powerful levers so I can see the changes that I want to see in my life? And all this to say, remember, we're lean and mean today. All this to say, set expectations for Yourself, something's happening. Your kid's throwing food on the floor instead of. I expect them to keep the food on their plate, on their tray, whatever it is. No, I expect my kids to do exactly what they're doing. Personally. That's what I do. If I know my boys have been experiencing more tension between the two of them over the past few days or a few weeks or whatever the season is, I expect that day for that to happen. I expect the tension, and I expect myself to do something different, to do something effective, to try something new. I expect myself to stay compassionate with them and creative with them and teaching, teaching them something that could also serve them and help them too. That's what I expect of myself. And I expect myself to continue teaching and maybe take away the food and take my baby out of the chair when they consistently throw food on the floor. I expect myself to teach. I expect myself to show up to my circumstances in a way that I feel proud of. And you can do the exact same thing. So expectations are an incredible tool. This is something that we can be using totally. They can also be a very slippery slope that we get trapped into in that sneakily way that we're trying to gain control of things that are just outside of our control. It's the same thing with setting boundaries. We can do a whole episode on boundaries too. Because I have a special way of setting boundaries that I absolutely love and my clients really love. And when it comes to boundaries, like so often, we set boundaries in a way of, again, trying to control. We're trying to control people, we're trying to control circumstances. And it doesn't matter what expectation or what boundary you set, you still don't control other people and the circumstances. You control what you think, say and do. So try as you might, you're only going to end up creating more internal friction and tension within yourself. And then this narrative is going to come into your mind that feels so exhausting, so overwhelming. And it's because it's so freaking negative. And it's only all of that energy and attention is going on on the things that you do not control. That's why it feels so overwhelming, because you're only looking at things that you don't control instead of turning the other way and realizing, these are the things that I can do. This is what's happening. Yes. And here's what I'm going to do about it. And that's the power of mindset. Mindset is not complacency. And I can. I need to do a better Job at getting that message across more clearly because I think it's often confused there and misinterpreted. And, you know, we're all human, we all have our own perspective. So I want to be able to create better content that gets the point across of how we take action based off of the change in thoughts, because it's not complacency. I want to feel better and do better. And that's going to start with thinking greater than the way that I feel. It's going to start by thinking greater than my initial reaction and thinking greater than the circumstances that I find myself in. So look at your expectations. Seriously. Get out a piece of paper. Write down the people in your life, each of your kids names and your spouse. Let's talk about the people that live in your home. Write down all their names. Okay. And you have, maybe you have three kids and your spouse. This is like my example. I have Liam, Luke. My boys are coming down the stairs. Drew, Burs, and Marcus. See, you know, I'm going to keep this on. This is a beautiful freaking example. I'm sitting at my basement table. I'm going to give you guys an exercise decides to do in your journal. Luki just came downstairs. I'm recording a podcast episode and instead of my mind going to, oh, I just expect him to stay upstairs because I said to stay upstairs, blah, blah, blah. No, no, I expect him to come find me when he needs something that's so much greater than this, this moment of like, oh, it's so inconvenient that he's down here. He's upstairs. So instead of doing that, what do I expect myself to do right now? I expect myself to stay kind to and gentle and nurturing and helpful and teach. And I can still have a boundary here and I can communicate my boundary in a kind way. Hey, Luki. Hey, Luki. Hey, Luki. Can you go upstairs and go get me an Easter egg? No. Yeah, you can. Yeah. Okay. Please, I would like the baseball Easter egg. Can you go find it for me? Yes, please. The baseball Easter egg. Or you can stick with them. Okay. Yeah, yeah. On your mark, get set, go as fast as you can. Good job. Now, it doesn't always go that smoothly and I am fully aware of that. I'm a mom of three. I think I've had my fair share of times that it does not go smoothly. And even when it doesn't go smoothly, even when on your mark, it set go doesn't work. And me asking him to go find something for me doesn't Work, even all the ways that you pivot and you try something new. Even when all that doesn't work, you can still have expectations for yourself. And your personal expectations that you have of yourself are going to be the most effective expectations that you have because they're in your control. No matter how you feel, you get to choose how you're going to show up, what you're going to do next. Are you going to think greater than the way that you feel so that you can ultimately create the feelings that you want to experience? Or are you going to sit in it and are you going to react to it and say, well, I feel this way, so I have to yell. I. I feel this way, so I have to. I have to hit. I have to spank. Oh, you came back with. With Easter eggs. Mission accomplished. So we're going to wrap things up here, my friends. Remember, pull in on those expectations. Oh, my gosh, the exercise. I wanted to tell you. Okay, so you have your journal out. I didn't leave you hanging, my sweet friend. You have your journal out. And I just want you to write out the names of the people that live in your home. So for me, Liam, Luke, Drew, and Marcus. And I want you to ask yourself, put at the top of your paper, what do I expect of them? Question mark, what do I expect of them? And just write out what those expectations sound like. Do you expect your baby to sleep through the night? Do you expect your toddler to listen the first time? I know. Little crazy in here. It's okay. It's okay. Do you expect your toddler to listen the first time? Do you expect your spouse to think ahead and know what you need without you communicating it? Do you expect your middle schooler to handle conflict in a certain way? Like, what is it? And just get crystal clear on what are those expectations? I expect my kids to eat all of their food at dinner. What? What is it for you? So write all of those out, and then you can honestly see what's on the paper and ask yourself, are these realistic? Yes or no? Is it realistic for me to expect my baby to sleep through the night every night? No, it's not. It's mommy's turn, Kate. It's mommy's turn. You can stay down here if you play with the eggs right there. That's not a realistic expectation. Is it realistic for me to expect my spouse to know what I need without me communicating it? No. No. Even if you have communicated that and you let them know, I expect you to just look around and see that I Need xyz. Like that's just not realistic because people are their own beings and we need to hold space for that and understand that like we're all, we all have our own little world going on in our mind. Oh, good counting, good counting. I am almost done. Would you like to draw in this journal? I'm just gonna keep the mic on friends, because see how I pivot? Like, I'm not, I'm not begging him to go upstairs because I don't think that's realistic to ask him to do right now, but I can ask him to draw in a journal and he's willing to do it. So this is working and we just keep on pivoting. That's what I expect myself to do and that's what I'm going to do right now. So write out those expectations. Ask yourself, one, are they realistic? Two, are they communicated? And then at the bottom, I want you to just put me m E like as in you, me, and look at each and every one of those expectations that you have set and the ones that you say, like, yes, that is realistic and yes, I have communicated that. Great. Now I want you to ask yourself, what do I expect myself to do, period? Like, what do I expect myself to do? Who do I expect myself to be? How do I expect myself to show up? Especially when my expectations of others is not being met? Can you do that for me? Can you have that piece of paper? Can you go through this exercise? Because I really think it's going to be a lot of really good self discovery for you is going to come out of this. So when your expectations are not met, who do you expect yourself to be? What do you expect yourself to do? How do you expect yourself to feel about that? To what's the first thing you expect yourself to do? Whatever it is, get all that on paper so you can really see what you're working with. And I hope that this exercise serves you because I really think it will. And we kept this episode lean and mean and I think it was jam packed with so much goodness for you and I again, always hope that these serve you. Remember that if you're loving this work and you want to keep it going, start with the Alignment journaling course. You can get that@www.alignmentjournaling.com. i've also linked it below for you. And grab that course and it will. Seriously, you can, you can journal about your expectations and the way that you're showing up and the way you're responding to your kids. You can journal about all of that you can journal about anything and I will teach you how to do it. And there's so many incredible bonuses that come with that course and it's only 1 97, which is just amazing. Amazing. So yes, it's amazing. So Mind Body Alignment, I'll keep you updated on that as well. Mind Body Alignment enrollment opens this June, the beginning of June. I'm so excited. This is our first time. Also that I will have a limit on how many enrollments we will be able to take in this time. So I will keep you updated on that and then Revive. That enrollment is currently still open. I don't know when you're listening to this episode, there were 17 spots available and right now we're 2/3 free full. So you're welcome to check that link below and see if there's another spot for you to come to Revive. And that is truly the retreat dedicated to mothers coming together doing self discovery and healing work so we can free ourselves of those past experiences that are weighing us down and and regulate and process and release emotions that have just been begging to be felt by us so that they can pass. So if that's the kind of work that you're interested in doing where you can kind of take a really good look at yourself and who you're being and give yourself permission to step fully into who you want to be, that is what Revive is all about. And I'm so excited to be offering it. And Revive also includes a spot into my June Mind Body Alignment group. So you'll work with me for 12 weeks leading up to the retreat. And honestly friends, I have never seen a retreat offered in that type of like format where you work with your coach for 12 weeks before you meet in person. We have over three days together. Our private in house chef is coming and they'll do all of our meals for us. All of your housing is included. Your food, your coaching, your experiences. And then I bring in several talented coaches as well. One of them is a surprise and we have a breath work coach, a yoga instructor, both Kelsey Larson and Keisha Sawyer. Very gifted, talented women with just remarkable stories. Remarkable stories. And then I have support coaches that I also bring to make sure that you get the results that you want in coming to Revive. So anyway, that is still open and I'm just so freaking excited and I hope to see you there if you are called to be there. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.