51. Better Opportunities for Better Behavior

Oh, my friends, My friends. Even just recording this podcast episode this evening is interesting in itself and is requiring so much mindset work. We. My family's in Hawaii right now, and I brought my mic and my laptop for this trip, and I was like, okay, I'm going to record some podcast episodes while we're out there. And just now I go and I pull out my mic, I've got Drew to sleep. Marcus is putting Liam and Luke to sleep and. And got the condo cleaned up. I pull out my computer, I pull out my mic, and I go to plug it in, and it's a USB cable. And I'm, like, looking on both sides of my computer. Literally, I have a Mac, and I look on both sides of my computer, and there's no stinking USB port. And I know why Apple does this. I know why. And I literally just said, I'm like, freaking Apple, man. Anyways, so we are actually recording this podcast episode through my voice memos on my phone, and then, you know, I'll get it uploaded. So mindset still applies here. And I just think it's so beautiful how many times I get to notice how mindset is working for me in the circumstances of my life and my day and motherhood and marriage and my work and my relationships with others and the way that I'm showing up and seeing simple trash that I see on the side of the road. Like, mindset is everywhere, and it's phenomenal. It's phenomenal when you really use it and tap into it, because then you're not getting stuck in the issues that you find. You're actually allowing yourself to find more solutions. So anyway, mic or no mic, USB port or not, if Apple's on my side or not, we are going for this. We're going for this. We're going to make it happen. So today's episode, tonight's episode, Today's episode, we are talking about an example that I just barely had with my kids. So this is going to be a little bit of parenting. Mindset. Mindset and motherhood over here and about consequences. And I. I have a story for you, which I feel like mindset just rings true through stories, and it's so much easier to pick up on it that way. So I'm going to share the story with you and how I got a message on Instagram following that story, and I just loved this message that got so much. She was so kind and truly curious. There was no judgment, and I just loved it. I love questions like that. If you ever ask a question to someone on Instagram, lead with kindness and genuine curiosity. Like you're open minded and you have a soft heart and you're willing to learn something. We all have. We all have something to learn, and we all have something we can teach. Yeah, we want to learn as much as we can from all the people that we get to interact with and engage with. So anyway, we're in Hawaii and Marcus had the opportunity to play in a golf tournament for the first time ever, which is like, so exciting. So there's actually two that he can play in and they're just a couple days apart. So yesterday was the first golf tournament and we know it was happening. And I decided, you know, my boys and I, we're gonna have a fun time. We're gonna have a fun time whatever we do. While he is golfing. And I decided to take my boys to an aquarium here on Maui and we dropped Marcus off to golf. And I'm so excited because it's like a five hour time frame, a five hour window that I just have my boys and, you know, I set clear intentions, I did my journaling. I know exactly how I'm going to show up as a mother, no matter the circumstances that I'm given. I'm just feeling really clear about it all. And I decided that the first thing I wanted us to do was not to go to the aquarium. I mean, honestly, I. I cannot imagine us spending five hours. That sounds like a lot. So I didn't do that. I had a five hour window. So the first thing that we did was stop at the local grocery store and because our little condo needed some more food and I didn't have like any kind of snacks to bring in the diaper bag, you know, things are just easier when our kids are hungry. So I love to keep snacks on hand. You know, it's just so helpful. So anyway, we get to the grocery store where I'm unloading the kids out of the car, got my big helpers by my side. I'm like, okay. We hold hands to stay so safe. And we sing a little song. Holding hands to stay so safe as we walk in the parking lot. And, you know, sometimes a song is the best way to get Luke, my 3 year old, to cooperate with my grand plan. Luki is definitely the one that has his great big plan in his mind, and he is gonna see it through. Gosh darn it, he's gonna get there. Whatever, whatever he needs to do, he's gonna see it through. So songs, songs really help get Luki on board. And if Luki's on board, everyone's on board. So anyway, we're holding hands, walking across the street, getting into the grocery store. And we get into the grocery store, and the first thing my boys see are the flower arrangements and the balloons that are, like, right to the right. So they run over to the flowers, and they grab the little balloons, you know, the ones that your kids always ask for that are super overpriced. Whatever. They grab those. They're picking them up. They're like, oh, my gosh, I want this balloon. I want this balloon. I'm like, oh, my gosh, I love that balloon. Look at you. You picked up the Avengers one. Look at you. You got Spider Man. Are you kidding me? Those things are amazing. Here, let's take a picture with them. And then we're gonna put them back so somebody else can enjoy these balloons too. And they're like, okay, cheese. And I, like, have the whole video. It was super sweet. And, like, there's mindset working with me, right? And we move on from there. And we get into. We're walking around towards the aisles now, and my boys are, for the most part, like, being very helpful, staying with me, and I'm letting them walk around the store with me instead of putting them in the cart, which, yes, is easier and not always worth the, like, constant discussion of, I want to walk, I want to walk, I want to walk. So I try to give them as many opportunities to show me that they can do it as possible until they prove to me, like, hey, yeah, you just proved to me that you need to be in the cart. So we get to an aisle and for some snacks, and my love. My boys really love the bear. It's like a bear on the package, and it's fruit rolls and super simple ingredients. There's no dyes. There's no added sugar, and that's. I mean, I really love to prioritize nutrition in my home. And I know. I know that you love your kids. I know that you love your kids. You can feed your kids added sugars and dyes and goldfish and any snack and treat that you want to, and I will still know that you love your kids and you want what's best for them. So anything that I mentioned here about nutrition is not judgmental. I'm just sharing what my family focuses on. And. And that's it. That's. It's just a little detail in the story. Little detail in the story. So anyways, my kids are getting a little bit hungry at this point, for sure. It's, it's close to lunch for us, which is like 10 in the morning because we're still adjusting to the time. And anyway, we're getting some snacks and my boys are grabbing. Oh Lord, every box that they see that has Spider man on it. Which apparently there's like 12 different boxes that are now branding marvel on fruit snacks marketing to kids. Which, you know, that's a, that's a discussion for another time anyway. And. And my boys keep asking me, does this have dyes? Does this have dyes? Does this have dyes? Because I. This is again, a podcast episode for another time. I. And I just want to mention this briefly. I think it is so much easier for us to get our kids on board with the decisions that we're making when they know why we're doing it. So instead of it just being, no, you can't have that, Spider Man. It's freaking cool. It's a fruit snack. It's delicious. What do you mean you can't have it? I teach my kids about dyes. I teach my kids about nutrition. I teach them about sugar and the role it plays in our body and artificial sweeteners and high fructose corn syrup. And I want them to feel as empowered as possible in any grocery store that they walk into, that they can read a label and, and feel informed to make decisions of what they're going to put into their body as they grow up, because I'm not always going to be there to make choices for them. And me just simply saying no isn't actually helpful in them knowing why. Why we're making these choices. So, you know, we're going to do a whole nother episode on like, mindset and nutrition. And honestly, it kind of goes directly against. There are no good or bad foods. All food is fuel. Remember that. I love you guys. Remember that. I love you. I do not agree with that. I just, I do not think that is the best mindset approach to, to take. So anyway, we're gonna leave it at that for now. I promise I'll readdress it. Because there's big mindset when it comes to nutrition, and we can be talking about that too. So anyway, snack aisle. I'm. I'm working with my kids, like, let's find a box that, that doesn't have dyes and it just has fruits and vegetables that we're looking for. And we get the pretty colors from the fruits, blah, blah, talking with them, and we find our simply simple fruit roll things that we love with the bear on it. And they have little cards in the packages. My boys love it. Anyway, put those in the car. We're locked and loaded, ready to go check out. Get back in the car again. My kids are being awesome, so super helpful. And we get back to the condo because we need to drop off all this food. And I decided, you know, aquarium is going to be so fun. I'd rather just eat lunch at the house. Let's just have sandwiches. So somehow or another, we open the condo door. And then Liam and Luke lost their minds. Oh, my heck. Marcus isn't here. He's out golfing. And Liam and Luke are literally swimming, screaming at one another. I mean, just screaming at each other, hitting each other. Liam was teasing Luke, and then Luke would scream at Liam, and then Liam would just like, charge Luke and. And like, pinch his arm. And then Luke would kick Liam or hit Liam or. Goodness. Luki is. He can. He can handle his own. So, you know, they were just freaking going after each other. And I just so badly wanted to say, you know what? Now we're not going to the aquarium. And that's the point of this episode now. We're not going to the aquarium and we're not going to go swimming and we're not going to do these things because you guys can't even get along. Like, I wanted to say that so bad. So bad. That's where my mind wanted to go. I felt it going there. And this whole time I'm like, watching these things happen and I don't force myself to you guys. Again, I am not a parenting expert. I am a doing the best I can mother. And I am trying really freaking hard to do that, to do the best I can to show up as the mother that I want to be and hold myself accountable to who I know I can be. So I don't always just, like, split my kids up. If I don't feel like I'm in the head space to, like, do that in a way that I feel proud of, I'll let them do their thing. And then when I'm ready, I will come over and be the calm. I just don't think it's very effective for me to go over there if I'm not the calm. If I'm just gonna, like, pour gasoline on a fire, which I've done that before. And it's just. I'm just speaking from experience here. So anyway, I'm kind of like watching them listening and my skin is slightly crawling as their high pitched screams ring through my entire body. And I'm Just trying to make them freaking sandwiches because I know that they're hungry. And when all this is happening and, and this is where it comes back to consequences. Because fast forward, which we're going to rewind in a minute. Fast forward. We make it to the aquarium. And I share on my Instagram that, you know, we made it to the aquarium. And it would have been really easy to say, no, we're not coming to the aquarium. Because Liam and Luke were screaming at each other and not treating each other kindly. Liam was teasing, they're hitting each other, all the things. And it would have been really easy to take away the aquarium. And someone messaged me again, so freaking kind. I love this community so much. I feel like we're so open minded and soft hearted towards one another and we're truly just really respectful. Like you take what serves you and you leave the rest. And I, I just, oh my gosh, I just love you guys so much. So anyway, I show that on my Instagram and I get this message and it says all these wonderful things. And then the question was, what about rewarding? Like she said, I feel like I'm rewarding misbehavior if I don't take something away or threaten them with something. And I think that's so freaking fair. That's so valid. I totally get that point and that perspective of it all. And I think it's really popular to be, to have been raised that way too. So there's a lot of mental conditioning there in your influences. So you either influence that way, the way that you were growing up, what was demonstrated to you, what's being said, said to you, you know, what, who's telling you, hey, you should do xyz. Maybe that's like what you're experiencing now in friends groups or in your family. What are you seeing other people do? Social media? What are you hearing about on podcast episodes? Like, there's so many different influences in your life. It's wild. And when you really think about what you have personally been through, what's been said to you, what's been modeled to you, it makes a lot of sense why we do what we do. So be aware of that for sure. And anyway, I'm, I'm considering this question that she asked and I, I totally get it. And guys, my initial thought was it would be so much easier to just not go to the aquarium. Oh, now we can't go to the aquarium. They're clearly showing me that they're going to be terrible at the aquarium. And my mind went to all these places. And I just knew, like, yes, my mind is having these thoughts, and consciously, I know they're not true. They're just not true. So in your mindset work, and as you're really, like, diving into this work, I want you to know that it's okay if you're having these thoughts. It's okay if those initial reactive thoughts are negative and they're mean and they're unkind and they're harsh, and they're really just lacking compassion for other people. Totally get it. My mind does that, too. And this is why staying conscious and aware is so important, because that's what it takes to reprogram. That's what it takes to recondition, is to be aware of what you're doing first, and then you can recondition. So, anyway, I. I did respond to that message. So let me go back through. Now we're rewinding to the part in the kitchen where my skin is slightly crawling and I'm listening to my kids scream and wanting to give a consequence of the aquarium. Here's why I did it. Here's why one, I stayed conscious. I understood these thoughts are happening, and I am creating these feelings inside of me because of what I'm thinking about my kids. So I decided to change what I'm thinking about my kids, because that's what I do. Control. I really don't control if they're going to scream. I could walk over to them and I could try reasoning with them, and then Luke could literally just scream in my face. Trust me, he's done it lots of times. Liam could do the same exact thing. Drew. I mean, forget it. Like, there's only so much I can do. So one of the best things for me to always do is focus on what I'm thinking about my kids. And instead of thinking, oh, of course they're never getting along, what am I going to think? I'm going to think something more true. They're hungry. They're hungry. They haven't had lunch yet. We haven't had snacks. And so that's one part of it. What's another part of it? They haven't had an outlet. I have not given them an outlet yet. Today they've been in the car because we've been taking Marcus to golf. And then they are expected to behave at the grocery store. And now they're back inside. They haven't had any opportunity to play and to be outside and to get some sunshine and to be loud. Right? And to have lunch. Like, they haven't had these opportunities, and I have not given them that support. I haven't done that. So I'm so proud of myself as a mother. Right. Like, I know I'm doing the best I can. These are things that I am prioritizing, I feel are important to get done. And I can totally see why my kids are behaving this way, because it's their turn. It's their turn. So when I know those things, they're hungry, they're ready for lunch, and they have. They're. They're doing the best they can. Like, they haven't been given the opportunity to have an outlet for all this energy that they feel and all these emotions that they're having. And they're hungry. Like, I get these things. I feel so much better towards them. I feel so much better. And I'm still making their lunch, right? They're still doing the same things, and I'm letting them know, hey, guys, I have lunch on the way. Lunch is coming. Why don't you guys take some space from each other? Hey, Luke, do you want to get out your crayons? Hey, Liam. Yeah. We still have that. That Spider man book, if you'd like to sit down and read it. Just a thought. Like, you know, I'm still talking with them. I'm engaging with them. I'm not ignoring them by any means. I'm just not inserting myself where I know I may not be ready to go, because I don't want to set myself up for failure as a mother, I'm aware of where my capacity is at, and that's really valuable. That self awareness is really valuable for you. And I know that you're working on that too. So you're doing an incredible job. Like, the negative thoughts can come first, and then you can correct those, and that's fabulous. That's such a great place to be. So anyway, I get lunch made for them, and I give them their lunch, and they scarf it down. So I'm like, okay, clearly I was right. And they scarf it down. We're getting ready, and we're gonna head to the aquarium next. And this whole time, really, my kids didn't even know we were going to the aquarium. I never told them that we were going to the aquarium. We were just gonna go. And that's another thing, friends. I very rarely tell my kids the plan because I. I feel that as soon as I tell them the plan, that's what they're expecting. Like, I have set that expectation, and if something changes and it doesn't get Followed through on, like, it's just a whole mountain that I could have avoided if I just didn't tell them the plan or set those expectations. So oftentimes I don't tell my kids what we're doing just in case it's gonna change. I think it's really important to follow through. And do we say we're going to do too? So I wasn't 100 sure in the first place if we were going to go to the aquarium. I just knew that it was something I really wanted to do. And I also had a backup plan to just swim at the pool here at the condo if I felt like, you know, I just feel like it'd be better if Liam and Luke get to swim. Drew Burst can take a nap in this pack and play and we can just stay here and have a good time. That was my backup plan anyway. I went with the first plan to go to the aquarium. I give them lunch and. And I the the reason why again, like, I didn't take away also the aquarium trip. Another really important part in this is I believe in natural consequences. And I've done a previous episode on this natural consequences as a mother, and I just believe natural consequences in terms of, like, if you're mistreating your toy, you're going to break it and that's your natural consequence. I don't have to take the toy away. Like, if you're going to break your toy, you're going to break your toy and you're going to learn your lesson. Like, life is just gonna show you that if. If you're going to, like, hit your brother or if you're gonna be screaming or like, whatever it is, I don't need to add to that fire. I don't need to pour gasoline on the fire. I would rather be the support to work through the hard things rather than making the hard things worse. And anyway, I love natural consequences. So in terms of natural consequences, what exactly does the aquarium have to do with Liam and Luke screaming at each other? What does the aquarium have to do with Liam teasing Luke? If I were to tell them, oh, now you're. Now you're teasing Luke. So we're not going to go to the aquarium. My sweet little four year old, his four year old mind is like, what in the actual. Do these two things have to do with one another? And they don't have anything to do with one another, so it doesn't make sense. And Luki, he's three, like, telling him, oh, you hit your brother, so now you don't get a cookie. What? Where did, where did a cookie come into this? Like, I don't understand. And anyway, so it just, I like it. I like to make things make sense for my kids and I feel that natural consequences do that for us. Now if you want to give your kids consequences, if you're just like a big believer in discipline and punishment and, and all of that, you know what? I love you and I know that you're doing the best you can and that you want what's best for your kids. There's a reason why you're doing what you're doing. That's why. So I'm just sharing what I'm doing because there's a reason why I'm doing what I'm doing too. And again, we are open minded and soft hearted and I love that about us. So anyway, we go to the aquarium. I shared on my Instagram story and I get that question and that's how I responded to that question about, about rewarding misbehavior. And in my mind, what I'm doing is I'm, I'm providing better opportunities for better behavior. Better opportunities for better behavior. It's not rewarding misbehavior. Have my kids really had the opportunity to show me great behavior? Not really, because I haven't provided great support. So what are better ways that I could provide support? Outlets. Getting them outside, focusing on their nutrition, making sure that they have water, making sure that I'm giving them words of affirmation and positive reinforcement and asking them great questions and getting involved with them and paying attention to them. Like, I can provide incredible support so that they can show me the behavior that I want to see. And I, I don't think that taking away support, taking away better opportunities is going to show us better behavior or, or anything like that. I, I, I personally don't think so. So this is why I do it this way. And I'll tell you, my kids were just so helpful at the aquarium and again, like, it was a better opportunity for better behavior. We were the aquariums mostly outside, which they loved. They, I could see everywhere they were. So they had a lot of independent opportunities to decide which direction we're going to go. Oh, here's the map. Okay, tell me which way we're gonna go next. And they got to do so many things like that, which at the grocery store, like, I was telling us where we're going next. I was telling us what fruit snack we could get. I was saying no to the balloon. And like, I mean, you know, let's take a picture of it. So a nicer way. But really they didn't get to have a real opportunity to show me their great behavior and to show me how much they love spending time with one another. Because then we came right back to the condo where we're in this itty bitty space, and they needed more room than that. They need to be outside, you know, and not in buckles, in a car seat and. And confined and told where to go and what to do next. Like that. That doesn't feel very good to. To always have someone telling you what to do and what to think and why what you're doing is wrong. Like, that doesn't feel good. So better opportunities for better behavior. I want to encourage you as a mother to see how can I provide a better opportunity for better behavior instead of taking something away, instead of threatening, instead of saying, now we're not going to the aquarium. Well, my friend, I get it. I do. And I'm curious. Did you want to go to the aquarium? I personally wanted to go to the aquarium. I want to see the sea turtles. I want to touch a sea cucumber. Are you kidding me? That's so cool. It's like a slug in the ocean. That's so cool. I want to see the octopus and how it camouflages in the coral. I want to learn about the humpback whales and their. Their migration track. Like, I. I want to learn. I want to experience. I want to do something fun, too. So when you take something away from your kids, aren't you also taking it away from yourself? And what happens next? Our victim mentality speaks even louder. The victim mentality says, yeah, I wanted to go to the aquarium, but we couldn't because you guys can't just get along. Now I can't go to the aquarium because of you. That's the victim mentality. And it's so not true, because our kids never said, we're not going to the aquarium. And mom. I mean, our kids don't control, like, mom, you don't get to go to the aquarium. We are the ones deciding that. And it's so important to overcome that victim mentality that says anything different. We are empowered mothers. We are the ones making the choices. And it's so. It's so rewarding to think that way. It's so empowering to think that way. And getting your identity in alignment so that your mind can go to that places is huge. It's huge. And you can do it. You can. So I didn't want to have built up resentment towards my kids over something that I actually control. I wanted to go to the aquarium, so I made sure that we get into the aquarium because I want to. I'm doing the things I want to do as a mother. It's not just about what I want my kids to experience. It's about what I want to experience, too. What can we experience as a family? Check off my bucket list, too. Like, it's not. It's not all about them. Like, you matter so much, too. And we don't have to be away from our kids to be taking care of ourselves. We don't have to be away from our kids to do the things that we feel inspired by and. And excited about. Like, we don't have to be away from our kids to do those things. We could actually do a lot of those things with our kids. And when we give them better opportunities for better behavior, it's a lot easier to bring them in on the things that we're doing. So I hope this podcast episode was so stinking helpful for you and maybe gave you a new perspective or two and you're able to keep that open mind and your soft heart and your pursuit to be the mom that you want to be, because I know that that's possible for us, to be the mothers that we want to be, no matter the circumstances, to be the mom that you want to be for the children that you have. And they don't need to change before you do. I had the same kids at the grocery store, in the car, in the condo, and at the aquarium. Same exact kids. And I just think that's beautiful. I think it's beautiful that you can create new feelings, create new thoughts, do new things without anything else in your life changing. And by default, everything starts to change. So beautiful. And I will talk to you real soon, my sweet friend.