52. Being A Yes Mama, How to Say Yes More!

Oh, here we are, my friends. Back to the good stuff. Getting your mindset in alignment with the mother that you want to be, because maybe it's strayed quite far from there and you're so not alone in that. And there are times that my mindset is just not in alignment with the mother that I want to be. And I hold myself accountable to pulling it back in and getting it back. Because our mindset is. It's influenced, right? It's influenced by what we're seeing, what we're listening to, what's been modeled to us, the relationships that we've had in our life and our experiences. Like, there's always a reason why you're doing what you're doing and you're thinking what you're thinking, and it's never because you're a bad mom or a bad person. I promise you that there is a deeper reason behind it. And part of my job is helping you find that reason. That's why we do so much self discovery work and self healing work. Because I know that you're a fantastic mother. You just need to see that in yourself. You just need to see that you can be the mom that you want to be and have a thriving mindset that allows you to see the opportunities that are around you and build a relationship that you want with your kids. And just we have that vision, you know, we have that vision of the mother that we want to be and whatever that looks like for you, I just know you can be her. And in the courses that I run, especially in Mind body alignment, my 12 week course, that is what we do. We go through the self discovery work together so that you're not alone. It's me, you, a group of incredible women and powerful coaches walking you through this journey of mind body alignment throughout a 12 week process. And I want to remind you that the enrollment for Mind Body Alignment, my last session of 2023 is this summer and enrollment is going to open up June 5th. June 5th, it's coming up so fast. We're less than a month away. And I promise you that you just won't regret it. You absolutely will not regret working on yourself. Even if you're not a mother, even if this is something that you want to apply so that you can show it better in any relations and you can heal your past hardships and things that you've been holding onto. That's just skewing your perspective of the world. And you're taking that into maybe your marriage or your relationship with friends or in your career and you have self doubt holding you back. Whatever it is for you, I just know that we can overcome it. And being in a group of women like that and working with me, it's just, it's so special. So, June 5th, mark your calendars. That is your last chance to get into my 12 week course that teaches you how to use self discovery and healing work to learn new skills and tools and align your mindset with who you want to be and get your identity there. It's so good. I'll share more details on that. Today we're talking about being a yes mama. So there's a couple things I want to share with you before we talk about just how to do that and why to do it and how you can literally start implementing this right now. Nothing, nothing has to change before you do. And that's such a gift. It's such a gift in our life. So. So a couple weeks ago, it was Luke's third birthday. He's my second little boy and it was his third birthday. And I decided my family's on a trip and we're in Maui and I didn't want to buy gifts, I didn't want to buy toys and I didn't want to load them up on a ton of sugar. And I'm like, oh man, what are we going to do for his third birthday if we're not doing all of that? So we did book a whale watching tour for our family to go on for Luke's birthday. And I decided that all day this is what his real present was going to be for me. All day long, I was going to be a yes mama. And anything that he asked me, I was going to say yes to it. Now, obviously I'm going to keep him safe, I'm going to keep him healthy. I'm going to prioritize what's important. But I mean, Luke's not asking to do crazy things. He's not asking to harm himself or others, right? What is, what is our, what are our kids really asking for? And I'm going to speak from my experience with Luke. What is Luke really asking for? He's asking for me to swim in the pool with him. He's asking for me to hold his hand. He's asking for me to carry him. He's asking for me to make something specific for lunch or a breakfast burrito instead of a bowl of cereal. He's asking me to color with him, to read him a book. Oh my gosh, he'll bring me books. And you know, he wants me to read the Lightning McQueen book or the paw Patrol book. He wants to lay down in my bed instead of his bed. He wants. You know, those are really the things that Luke is asking me for. Now, obviously, he'll ask for a toy at the store or he'll ask for things like that, too. And I just know that there's a way that we can say yes. We can say yes even when they're asking for something that we are not going to buy them. And that's what I want to talk with you about on this episode. So that's where this came from. Luke's birthday. I was like, you know what? I'm going to be a yes mama. And I am going to say yes to everything that he asked me to do. And I'm not going to let some dumb excuse like, oh, I just washed my hair, or I have mascara on keep me from getting in the pool. Like, I'm going swimming. And anyway, we did that. That was on April 15th. And since then it's been about three weeks. And it's been so good. Like, I've just. I've just kept doing it instead of it just being that one day. I think the one day was more the mentality of, like, oh, it's only one day. And if that's where you're at, if you're like, oh, man, how the frick am I going to start saying yes more? Challenge yourself just for one day. I'm going to be a yes mama. Start there. Do not start saying, okay, the foot is down. I repeat, the foot is down. I'm changing everything from the inside out. I am never going to say no again. I am a yes mama. And I'm only going to say yes to whatever my kids ask. And I'm done saying no. Like, we don't want this all or nothing mentality, because that. That alone keeps us from seeing tremendous progress in. In our efforts, right? And going in the direction that we want to go in. When you have an all or nothing mentality, it actually keeps you from progressing as much as you could be if you just took it one day at a time. If you just took it one moment at a time, you could accomplish so much more than an all or nothing mentality. Promise. So if that's where you're at right now, you're like, tessa, I want to start saying yes more. I just don't even know where to start. Start with this moment. Start with the next thing my kids ask me. I will say yes to start with that. Or today, I'm going To be a yes mama. It's Mother's Day's coming up, friends. It's Mother's Day and I am going to be a yes mama for Mother's Day. That's what I want for Mother's Day. I want to be a yes mama. This is. I mean, gosh, I need to do an episode for Mother's Day. Mother's Day is your chance to be the mother that you want to be. Truly, it's your freaking day. So show yourself. I really am the mom that I want to be and let it be your yes Mama day. So I did that for Luke's birthday and something that I was not expecting happened. Like, I was doing this because I know that it's the mom I want to be. I want to be the mom swimming in the pool. I want to be the mom that picks up her three year old still and that makes the breakfast that they want instead of just what's most convenient for me. You know, I knew that, but I noticed something in Luke and the way he was talking to me when I did this. And I noticed it, honestly. I mean, just a few hours into the day, like coming back from the whale watching tour, I noticed it. The more I said yes to him, I said, yes, Luki, Yes, Luki, Yes, Luki, the more he said, yes, Mama to me. It was amazing. It was once my mind, like, clicked and it got it and it understood what was happening. Like, oh, my gosh, the more I say, yes, Luki, the more he says, yes, Mama. It's like we were. We were dancing together, right? And we. We're really working together and we're understanding each other's steps that we're taking and we see each other and we're really listening to one another and we both feel heard and understood and seen. And it just feels so good. So I. I just really latched onto that. And that's why it's been so fulfilling to continue doing. Because it's not just about like, a huge part of it is me being the mom that I want to be. And what makes it so easy to keep going is the outcome that I'm getting. Like, my efforts are tremendous and the outcome is just undeniable. Luke is saying, yes, Mama instead of, no, I'm not doing that. No, Mama, like, and. And he's just. What is he doing? He's following my example. Isn't that amazing that we don't have to do anything crazy or teach our kids anything insane? We can literally just lead by example and let our example Teach them. So if we're saying yes, what is it natural for them to say yes? If we say, you know, if we say, I can do that, what can we naturally hear our children say? I can do that. Because it's normal for them. It's their natural. It's what they've been learning just by listening to you and watching you. And it's amazing. So the more you say yes to your kids, the more they will say yes to you. That is in my personal findings in the last three weeks. And I believe it so much because I also have more evidence of that. And that's the second part of this that I want to go into is I'm identifying as a yes mama. Like, I am a yes mama. And that's. I'm holding on to that as part of my identity and inside of mind body alignment. We get so clear on your identity over the, over the 12 weeks as we're working through your mindset, we're working through shame, we're working on your boundaries and the skills and tools that you have to really work through. Wherever you're at in life, you need more skills and tools. Like, we're not going to wait for life to change and we're not going to continue this victim mentality, which I also coach you through so you can overcome that. We're not going to, we're not going to have this victim mentality say like, oh, my gosh, life is happening to me, you know? No, you are happening to life. You are happening to life. So go out there and happen to it. Go make your freaking choices and happen to life. So when it comes to all this, like, it's just. It's so wildly amazing being a yes mama and identifying as a yes mama. People start to see that. And by people, I mean your kids, they see you as a yes mama. Yes mama. And that's what they're going to say to you. Yes, mama. Yes mama. Yes mama. Because you are identifying as a yes mama. It starts with you. It doesn't start with them. That's the best part. Nothing and no one needs to change before you do. It is always going to start within you. So you're going to identify as a yes mama. You're going to say yes as much as possible, and I'll share more creative ways for you to do so. Because obviously we want what's best for our kids. We want to keep them safe. And, and we're not trying to just give them anything and everything that they want. Because sometimes our kids don't even know what they really want. They're asking for one thing, and that one thing really isn't what they want. A lot of the times there's something deeper that they want. And, like, we get to figure that out. We get to figure out, yes, this is what you're asking for, but what do you really need? And fulfill the need. Don't just give to every desire. Like, fulfill the actual needs. And we can do that. We can do that. So that brings me to my next point here of my. I have more evidence of this being highly effective besides just like, these three weeks of being a yes mama for Luki and my boys, starting with Luke's birthday. So five years ago, I went to a funeral, and it was in my town, and I live in a pretty small community, so everyone's pretty close there, and you get to really know people, and it's really special. So there's a man in this community that I highly respect. I very much admire him. I think he's incredible. He really is a leader in our community, and I look up to him in a lot of ways. And his mom passed away five years ago, so we went to her funeral. And he was talking at the funeral, and he was sharing all kinds of stories from his childhood. And I remember it so vividly. Marcus and I are actually just talking about this because I did a post on Instagram. He's like, whose funeral were we at? And I was. I was telling him because he. Those stories didn't connect with him the way that it connected with me. Like, I was just glued to every word this man was saying. I was pregnant with my first son, Liam, at the time. I was six months pregnant with him sitting at this funeral. And I think just naturally, when you're in circumstances like that, it's. It's natural to kind of put yourself in these places. And I think I was just in this place of like, wow, what are my kids going to say about me when I pass away? Because I'm going to pass away. Like, what? Like, death is just a part of life. And I think being in that headspace of, like, what are my kids going to say about me? It just kept me so locked in to the present and, like, really taking in what this man was saying about his mom, especially a man that I highly respect. I'm like, tell me. Tell me the golden magic of motherhood and how to raise good kids and what's most important. And what do you remember most about your mom? And I was listening to all of it, and he shared a Lot of stories about her. A couple stand out. Particularly one story I really loved. He said that he would have friends over, and his mom was very much involved in his life and very engaged and interested in what he has going on and what he's doing. And he would have friends over, and they would go into the basement and watch a movie. And while they're in the basement watching a movie, his mom would sit at the top of the stairs and listen. So they still had their space. They did. They. You know, they got to be down there with their friends, watch a movie, but she would sit at the top of the stairs and listen because she didn't want them having, like, bad messages or bad language in the movies. Like, she really prioritized that in her home. And if she heard something like a swear word in the movie, she would then have them find a different movie. And I just loved that. Like, I loved. I don't know. That really stood out to me, and I. I loved it. And the son wasn't complaining about it. He's just like, that's just how much she cared. That's how much she cared about me and us and felt responsible for the influences that we had in our home. And I just thought that was so beautiful. And another thing that he said about her that I really consider to be some of the best parenting advice that I have honestly ever received is he said, my mom never said no, and if she did, you knew she meant it. And that's just. It's so simple. Like, it's so simple. Like, and when you. When it's broken down like that, you're like, well, of course, if you don't overuse something, then it carries more value and meaning in that terms, in that sense of things. Like, if we say no to everything, then then where does the value of what happens to the value of no and the sometimes, like, the severity of it, like, how serious something is to best have our kids working with us and understanding, like, hey, I'm saying no for a reason. Like, this isn't safe, or that's just absolutely unacceptable or whatever. Like, however we want to phrase it. So anyway, that. That piece of parenting advice, it just. He probably didn't even know he was giving parenting advice at the funeral. It just really stuck with me. And I've always prioritized that in parenting ever since Liam was born, because I went to that funeral, and I remember him saying, my mom never said no, and when she did, you knew she meant it. So I've just always had this mentality of like, say no when you actually mean it. And to be completely honest with you guys, I got asked on Instagram, like, I'd love to hear what you do say no to. And I was trying to think about it. And it's not that I never say no. I just truly don't have an example off the top of my mind, because I don't say no very often at all. Like, not often enough to even have an example in mind. I'm sure I have said it. I'm not saying I don't ever say it. I just get so creative with language because I think language is so important. It's so impactful, it's so powerful. And for the amount of power that it holds, I believe it's worth taking care of and being very intentional about, because it shapes us, it influences us. And knowing all that, I'm like, man, I need to really prioritize what I'm saying, and not only what I'm saying, but how I'm saying it, because my kids are listening to every word that I use, and I take that very seriously. So I wasn't able to give an example of what I would say no to. I just gave examples of how I use the language, and that's what I want to share with you. So I try very intentionally to say yes to, like, just about everything. So I don't say no. But there are times that I. I won't do the things my kids are asking me to do. And that's why I wanted to come up with, like, the yes, Mama, for Luke's birthday. Like, yes, I'll swim with you. Yes, I'll carry you. Yes, I'll make the thing that you want. Because it's not that I say no, I'm not going to get in the pool. No, I'm not going to go swimming. I'll just say something like, yeah, buddy, I'm gonna swim with you tomorrow. Which I do end up swimming tomorrow. It's just. There's no good reason not to swim today. Like, yes, I just washed my hair. I just don't think that's a good reason. Or I have mascara on. I don't want it to smudge. Like, that's so superficial and to me, not in alignment with who I want to be. So that was my intention in that it's not to really get rid of. Rid of the word no, because I wasn't using it. I was just getting, like, almost too creative with my language that I was missing a lot of opportunities, and I didn't, like, that. So if you find that you are flat out saying no right now in your parenting, the first thing that I want you to do isn't jump to yes. Like, every time you want to say no, just say yes. No. Not necessarily. What I want you to do is focus on creative ways to remove the word no. So maybe a great place for you to start is yes, I'll do that with you after I finish this. So, again, it's not about being at our child's becking call and fulfilling every desire that they have. Like, we want to actually meet their needs. So if they ask for a toy at the store, for example, like, oh, can we buy this toy? We don't need to say flat out no. We can just say, oh, that's a really cool toy. Today we're buying groceries. Do you want to help me pick the groceries for this week? Can you let me know what you want to eat this week so we can go find those groceries? See how we. We don't have to say no. We're. We're redirecting the attention. And honestly, with, like, all the things that are just dangled in front of our kids at the store, of course they're gonna ask for a toy. Of course they're gonna ask for the candy. Of course they're gonna ask for the Spider man fruit snacks instead of the. The Simply Bear fruit rolls. Like, of course they are. That makes so much sense. And we. We don't have to be the bad guys. You know, I. I feel like, especially with all of those treats being dangled in front of our kids, they certainly don't look like the bad guys. And when you think about it, do they really have our child's best interests at heart? No, we do. We do. And our kids don't understand that. So yet. Yet. So what we can be doing is getting really creative with where we want our child's attention to go. And instead of thinking of it as like, oh, I have to meet their every beck and call and fulfill their every desire, no, I want to meet their. Their basic needs. And when they're asking me for something, maybe there's something deeper. There's like, an underlying need, and I want to see the underlying need. Like, if they're. I don't know, like, how are they asking to spend their time? You know? And if they're asking to spend their time in a way that's like, oh, can I. Can I go play video games? Can I go play video games? Can I go play video games? Or, mom, can I watch a Movie. Can I watch a movie? Can I watch a movie? Can I watch a show? Can I watch a show? Can I watch a show? And you're just like, oh, my gosh, no, no, no, no, no. Until they finally ask, enough. And you're like, fine, just go do it. Well, dang it. That's the very opposite of what we want. So. So instead of that, you can ask them, like, maybe, you know, they think they want to play video games. They think they want to watch a show. What they're really looking for is blank. What do you think your child's really looking for in that moment? A form of entertainment? Are they looking to escape the way that they're feeling? Maybe they're a little bit older. And I mean, younger kids can do this too. So are they looking to escape the way they're feeling? Are they looking for a form of entertainment? Are they looking for a place to connect with friends? Like, what are they looking for? You're the mom. You. You are best equipped to figure that part out. And then you can come up with another way for them to meet that need. If the TV is not in alignment, video games are not in alignment. And you. And you don't want to just flat out say, no, you can't play video games. Stop asking me. I told you, stop asking me. I already told you. No. No means no. Instead of going there, we could go to. I totally get it. You want to play video games, because video games sound fun. It's been really entertaining for you. It's not time to play video games right now. What we can do is blank. Blank or blank. Which one would you like to do? And providing options so that our kids can choose. I find that to be really effective with my boys. And a lot of my mom friends with older kids have said that's really effective for them too, when their kids have options. And honestly, it's really helpful if we start it younger because that's just the normal. That's just what they know to be normal in the home. Right? So if your kids are asking for, again, the toy at the store, that's a really cool toy. You don't even have to say no or not in that. Right? That's a really cool toy. I would want that toy, too. Today we're here to buy groceries. Can you help me pick out the groceries for this week by telling me what you want to eat and get them involved in that grocery shopping experience? And if they want to watch a movie. Oh, man, Movies are so fun to watch. Which one's Your favorite. Oh, Sonic the Hedgehog. Cool. Yeah. He's so awesome. What we're doing right now is playing. It's not time to watch a movie. We can do blank. I totally get that you want to watch a movie. That's what we're going to do on Friday. Like, for my boys, they get to watch a movie on Fridays. You can watch a movie on Friday. What would you like to do right now? And they're like, ah, man, what day is it today? And I'm like, Monday. They're like, when's Friday? And I'm like, counting down the days of them. Like, oh. I'm like, buddy, it's gonna go by so fast because we're gonna play, so what do you want to play? And my kids are honestly so much happier when, like, I'm involved and engaged in that process of helping them figure out what else can I do? And remember, our job as parents is not to entertain our kids all day long. Boredom is so good for our kids. Creativity is born in boredom. So let them feel bored. Let them experience that. And when they come, you're saying, oh, I'm bored. Help correct them. Seriously, that's not who they are. Help correct them. Guide them. You feel bored. I totally get it. You know, when you feel bored, that means you're about to come up with a really great idea. And you don't even have to give them a list of ideas or a list of options they can do. Let them figure it out. They can do it. They can look around, they can do it. And you just let them know. Yeah, every time you feel bored, you're about to come up with a really good idea. I'm so excited to see what you come up with. And you can still do the thing that you want to do. So when it comes to being a yes mama, it's not about meeting every desire and giving, you know, being at every beck and call. It's just about preserving the power of the word no so that when you do use it, your kids know, like, oh, wow, like, she's serious. My mom doesn't ever say this, so she must be really serious. And you can hold onto that power and use the word yes more. Because yes is a form of abundance, and we want our kids to have an abundant mentality, not a scarcity mentality. And maybe you're working out of a scarcity mentality, too. I've certainly done that. So we're using the word yes. And the more we say yes, Luki, the more he's going to say yes, mama. And there's always. I really believe that there's always a creative way to say yes. And it doesn't have to just be no. I feel like no is the least creative way. The least creative way. And there are times that it's totally necessary. Absolutely. I just want us to see that it's not as necessary to use it as we think. And sometimes we just get in this rut almost of saying no because it's out of our own convenience or it's the first thought that we have, the first answer that we have, and not because we actually listened to the question and we processed what the question is, because we don't pause. Allow. Seriously, my friend, allow yourself to pause. Really consider the question being asked of you. Really consider the question being asked of you. And if you need to repeat the question back to them, can you have blank right? Repeat it back to them. And you can come up with this challenge for yourself where just for today, I'm going to be a yes mama, which might mean, yes, we can do that on Friday, or, yes, you can have that after dinner, or, yes, you can play with that right now. Let me help you get it down. Yes, you can play with that after you clean up this toy. Let me know when you're done cleaning up that toy, and I'll be so happy to get this down for you and even build it with you. Like what? There are so many great ways to say yes instead of no. You can't have that toy down because you still have this other toy out or you haven't cleaned up xyz or, you know, you can't have licorice. You haven't eaten your breakfast. Well, if you want to give them licorice after their breakfast, yes, you can have a piece of licorice after your breakfast. Just changing the wording of things. It's so empowering. It's so empowering for you and them. You and them, instead of just no. So you are a yes mama. We're all going to start identifying as yes mamas and seeing the freedom and possibilities that open up from there and getting really creative. And just remember, it's not all or nothing. Just get yourself in there to do it. Just for today. Just for today. Just for the next question that is asked of you. Mom, can we go for a walk? Gosh dang it. Yes. That sounds awesome. Let's put on our shoes. Let's go for a walk instead of no. We need to clean the house. We need to do homeschool. We need to cook the lunch, whatever. They didn't say how long the freaking walk is. It could be a walk to the mailbox. Like, it doesn't. We. We really. I mean, just blow these questions up in our mind. Like, there's just absolutely no way we can make that happen right now. When in doing that, we're. We're depriving ourselves, too. It's not just them, because really, you could benefit from that walk, and so could I. We could benefit from the bike ride. We could benefit from just sitting down to color for 15 minutes, building the fort for 10 minutes, playing in the pool for an hour. Like, it's not. We may. I feel. I feel lost for words on that. You know, we. We can do this. We can. We can do this. Go for the walk, get in the pool, get down to the ground and. And build the toys. Color. Read the book. It doesn't take as long as you think, and it's. It's gonna give you so much more than it takes. And that's. That's a mindset. Yes. Is a mindset. Yes, mama, is a mindset. And I hope that in sharing this with you, you feel a little bit more encouraged, a little bit more empowered to give it a try today and just take it one day at a time. And I hope. I hope so much that if you feel like this work, this mindset, work, this identity, work and healing your past experiences and influences so you can have this mind that's in alignment with who you want to be, is calling you the. That you'll be inside of my summer group for Mind body alignment this year. It's the last group that I'm running this year. You get three months coaching with me, and in that 12 weeks of work, I mean, you keep all the material for life. There's video modules, there's group coaching, there's the sessions with me. I have support coaches in there. And the community that you connect with is just unlike any other. We. We are moving mountains together. We are difference makers, and I feel so excited about it, and I hope that you'll join us this summer. So, my friends, go be a yes, mama. Take on the day you can be exactly who you want to be, and together, we really are freaking unstoppable. And generations to come will thank us for the work we did today. I love you dearly.