54. Your First Step To Overcoming The Victim Mentality

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. I think we've made it pretty clear by now that if you're on this podcast, then you are here to work on your mindset. And I am going to pour it all into you knowing that you are open minded, you're soft hearted, and that I love you and I share these things with you because I love you. So what I'm going to share with you today might feel really hard and some parts of it. So maybe some of your mind is just like, oh, what does Tessa know? Okay, yeah, I don't know all your circumstances. You're so right. I do know mindset really, really well. And I do know that I want to help you and that we can absolutely be the mothers that we want to be. And taking this one step, step, this one simple step that I'm sharing with you right now can change your entire mindset forever. And the way you're talking with your kids, the way you're talking with them, what you're hearing from them, their mindsets that are being built out right now, what you hear the people around you saying that spend time with you, you will influence people in an entirely new way. And it's going to feel so good. So what you're going to do is remove the word but. Okay, that sounds really simple and I totally get it. And you know, we say, okay, yeah, I just want to use the word but. And then your mind's like, but what would I tell my kids then? Or, but what about this? But, but, but, but, but. So like you've already set this goal and then your mind is rushing in to tell you a limiting belief. It's rushing in to tell you a scarcity mentality or the victim mentality. And that's what but is doing. Every time you're using the word but, you are encouraging the scarcity mentality. And think about the scarcity mentality, as in there's not enough of something, there's a reason why someone else can have it and you can't. Like, there's just not enough opportunity to go around. So the scarcity mentality, it could be empowering the victim mentality, I really think that but is the power word of the Victim mentality. I really think so. I. Off the top of my head, I. Right now, that's the word that I'm thinking of, that the victim mentality is like, yes, I'm here to thrive because you said the word, but. And it's looking for why you're the exception, why life is happening to you, why. Why you can't do what you want to do. Because it's empowering that victim mentality. And I know especially here, we are open to talking about the victim mentality and how we are not victims of motherhood, we're not victims of our children. And really, when it comes to the victim mentality, but that is taking a role in a circumstance. It's not an identity. It's not identity. And you don't want that identity. I am a victim. We don't want that mentality. Let me reassure you that we have been victimized. I've been victimized. That is so true. And it's true for you, too. We just don't want to take on the identity that's hurting us. We've already been hurt, so why would we continue hurting ourselves? Okay. And the word but is also like opening the door. It's the welcome mat for limiting beliefs to come into your mindset and your conversations. So to catch you up a little bit, limiting beliefs are the beliefs that you have that prevent you from being who you want to be and doing the things that you want to do. Because we'll have a belief that says, I can't do that. Here's why. That won't work for me. That won't work for us. My kids won't like all these limiting beliefs. And thoughts are not facts. Thoughts are not facts. So you'll have these limiting beliefs that are like obstacles in your way. And honestly, just working on those in your mind, you wouldn't need to change the circumstances in order to think differently about them and then do differently in the circumstances. And obviously, when you're doing differently in your circumstances, you're going to start getting different outcomes. So it's all really working together. And when you remove the word but you no longer allow space for limiting belief to show up. So but is encouraging the scarcity mentality. It's empowering the victim mentality, and it's welcoming limiting beliefs into your daily mindset and conversations. And honestly, just think about how that's affecting your kids and their language and their mindset when they hear you use the word. But they're going to use it too if they don't hear it. From you as often, their language will naturally shift, too. Kids are freaking awesome like that. Really. Just stop to think about how often you're using the word. But on a daily basis in your home with your kids. And keep in mind that it's promoting a victim mentality, the scarcity mentality, and welcoming, limiting beliefs. Keep in mind that but is doing that. So. And it's like the power word of. It's the power word of the victim mentality. Like, that's. No, that's not what we're trying to hang out. So right now, spend a little bit of time thinking about how often you're using the word. But your kids say that they want something, and you're like, I know, but you can't have that before dinner. Okay. Your kids ask you to do something with them, and they're like, oh. And you say, oh, I want to do that with you too, but I need to finish this first. That's how we're using. But you. Your husband asks for something or does something a specific way, and you try to acknowledge first, and then you say, but you really need to do xyz or we apologize. Sorry that I yelled at you, but mommy really needs you to listen. It's not actually helping. It's just getting us to this place where in the victim mentality, naturally, we're pursuing innocence, and the feeling of innocence feels really good. So we say this one thing, like, we're acknowledging and we're validating, and then we go right back and twist it to say, like, but actually, I'm innocent and we don't want that. So I'm going to help you right now. We're going to step away from the word but because you are sick of being in a victim mentality. You're sick of having a scarcity mindset that says that there's not enough time, there's not enough money, there's not enough resources, there's not enough help, whatever. We're tired of that mentality and we're tired of welcoming the limiting beliefs into our mind. And we definitely don't want to see that come with our kids, too, in their mindset and their language, because they could be. I mean, how do you feel when your kids say but to you, like, yeah, I like. Your kids get in a fight. Think about it that way. Your kids get into a fight with each other, and one of them hits the other, and you say, did you just hit him? Yeah, I hit him, but he was yelling at me, but he took my toy. But they're taking no ownership, no responsibility for their own actions or their own feelings or their own thoughts. And we don't want that for our kids. And we certainly, like, we don't want that for ourselves either. We don't want to live our life that way and lead by that example. Because at the end of the day, even if our kids hit somebody, we want them to take total ownership of that. And if you yell at somebody, I want you to take total ownership of that. Nobody makes us yell. Nobody makes us hit them. Nobody makes us feel angry. Our thoughts about what's happening, our thoughts about what the person is doing or our thoughts about that person is what creates our feelings of anger. That's how it works. Thoughts create feelings. And every cell in your body is always listening. It's always listening to you. And just like with your kids, every cell in their body is constantly listening to their thoughts. So if we teach our kids how to have better thoughts, what's going to happen? They're going to have better feelings. They're going to make better choices. And you are. It's. I don't want you to say, like, okay, Tessa, so I'm going to teach this to my kids. I'm going to tell them that they can't use the word. No, they can't use the word but anymore. First of all, they can use the word but. So I think. I even think the word can't is just. It's so, like, misfitting in the way that it's used really often. So I don't want to say, oh, the world would be such a better place if we just didn't have the word but or can't or don't or, no, not all those words. I just think that there's a better way to use our language. And in doing so, our feelings will change, our actions will change, our entire mindset, and our way of being will change. And that's just really exciting to think about. So when you're telling your kids you can't use the word but anymore, they can. So it doesn't even make sense. It doesn't even make sense for us to say, you can't use the word. But it would be better to say, like, hey, I'm setting a goal for myself to remove the word. But everything in that sentence was very empowering, very positive. I'm setting a goal for myself to remove, take out instead of I can't do, do this to remove the word. But, like, very intentional, very empowering. And you can condition your mindset to function that way. You totally can. I've conditioned myself. You can condition yourself, and I can help you do it. So when we, when we set this goal of like, we're not. We're going to remove the word but, we're going to replace the word but, and we want our kids to be doing it too. The best way to teach this to your kids is to model it to lead by example. And I just think that, you know, I, I explained to my husband like this, if our kids ever made a choice that was like, you know, they tried alcohol, tried drugs, something that, you know, I don't necessarily want them to do. If our kids did something like that, I would want them to take a thousand 50% ownership of their choices. I would not want it to come down to, yes, I did that, but they made me. Which is why I refuse to have this language and mentality, especially in my home, about one person making another person angry, making another person hit them, making another person mad. That seriously just goes back to the victim mentality. And I'm not, I'm not making space for it in my home on purpose. On purpose. I'm starting this so young and so intentionally so that way, when someone else is drinking around my kids, my kids know I have a choice here. I get to decide what I think, say and do. And just because you're doing something does not mean that I need to do it too. I can choose to do different, and I'm 1000% responsible for what I do next. Yes, this is what you're doing. What am I going to do now? And that's the mentality that I want them to have. So that's why we work so hard with the victim mentality. It is for ourselves and it's for them. Removing the word but so that we're not feeding the victim mentality because but is truly the power word of the victim mentality. And here's what we're going to do instead. We're going to use the word, and we're going to use the word, and we're going to teach our kids how to use the word. And simply by the way we're shifting our own language, I am going to really encourage you to start with you lead by example, Monitor your language, monitor your actions, monitor your mindset, and let your kids hear it. Let your kids observe and see you and be there to witness your transformation, to prove it can be done, and then they can make theirs too, and you can just be that guiding light for them. So when we're using the word and let's say our kids want to ride their bike down the driveway. And you say, I know you want to ride your bike down the driveway, but it's not safe. Okay, we are removing the word but I know you want to ride your bike down the driveway, and I want you to stay safe. Here's a safe way that you can ride your bike down the driveway. We teach them to look both ways. We ask them to stop at the sidewalk. We make sure that there are not cars blocking their view from the street. Right. Problem solve with them. We're on our kids teams, and we're able to effectively communicate our perspective in that. And I really want to keep you safe. Or let's look at another example. I know you want candy, but you can't have it. Or, but it's too close to dinner, but you won't eat dinner if you have candy right now. Like, no, there's none of that. I know you really want a piece of candy, and I'll make sure that we save this piece of candy right here for you for. For when it's time to have candy. Right now, it's time for dinner. Right now, it's time for lunch. Everything in that sentence, it's not, you can't have it or I won't let you. You're not allowed. Nothing like that. Nothing negative. And bringing them down, it's truly all intentional, empowering, positive. And it's coming from a clear place, like a very clear place where we're telling them what to do, what they can have, what the options are instead of putting visions in their mind that we don't want them to have. So, you know, that's how it could work with candy. Let's say your kids do something like drawing on the walls, and you're saying, no, don't do that. And they're saying, but I really want to color. It doesn't even have to get to that place. Like, you see them coloring on the walls. Oh, bud. Remember, we color on pieces of paper, cut pieces of paper. And now I'm going to go get you a rag so you can clean up the wall. Use the word. And like, really, I feel like on the spot in this episode, I want to give you 15,000 examples. So I'm going to make sure that I get more examples set out, sent out to you in an email form, too, so you can read over this, review it, make sure you're on the email list to get that. And you can see just how powerful it is for us to be using the word and. And how many examples there really are to be to be doing it and notice it in yourself. Notice how often your mind wants to travel to the word but and you're painting yourself out to be the victim. I really wanted to wake up early and get into my morning routine, but the kids were up all night. And that's going directly into the victim mentality. Because we're justifying our behaviors, we end up complaining, we end up blaming. And those are the three red flags of victim mentality. So if you're really curious in learning how to overcome the victim mentality, you're going to want to get onto my email list so that I can send you the free invite to my free three day workshop, Overcoming the Victim Mentality. We're going to be doing that the first week of June. So depending on when you're listening to this episode, you want to get into that. I run it twice a year, three days. I have PDF material for you. I coach you through it all and you get to keep it. Um, and it's just, it's so helpful for you to be able to come work on your identity. Understand blaming, complaining and justifying using the word. But what we can be doing instead and stepping into that empowered mind, it will help you so, so much. So much. June 6th, 7th and 8th coming right up. And I might even do in the following week too. I'm trying to like get my schedule worked out so that you guys can know and I will send you a link through email as soon as I have it ready for you to sign up. And that's going to be so good. So really pay attention. How often are you using the word but notice yourself doing it and just challenge yourself to replace the word but with the word and as often as possible. And if you're noticing that there are times that you don't even need the word and you don't even need to explain yourself. Put a period. Don't even continue. Don't even continue it into but. Or. And. And explaining. Anything. Just say the thing. Say. Say the thing. I. I'm gonna stay home tonight. Think about that. I really wanted to come tonight, but it's just not gonna work out. I'm gonna stay home tonight. See how we could just put a period. Like period. We're done with that. You can do this and we just. It's going to basically starve the victim mentality. You're just gonna stop feeling it. You're gonna take away its power source from the word but and you're gonna starve it so that there's just no more space to be blaming, complaining and justifying. And I'm telling you, removing the word but is an incredible way to do that. Use the word and instead, and you'll feel so much more empowered, so much more intentional, so much more able to handle the circumstances in front of you and truly practicing that foundation of controlling what you think, say and do. Because you know who you are and you can go be exactly who you want to be. I believe in you. Even if you've had a difficult past, even if you've had things happen that you're not entirely healed from, even if you feel like you've been out of alignment for so long and you just want so badly to be the wife that you want to be, the mother that you want to be, just the woman that you want to be, even if you've never been here before. You can change. You can change your mindset, you can recondition it. You can control the influences in your life and who you're allowing into this valuable headspace in your mind. Your mind is truly a priceless place. It is expensive to rent space in your mind. So who are you allowing to rent? And can they really afford it? Can they really afford to be up there? Or are they getting free rent? Really think about that. Think about how valuable you are, how worthy you are. You totally are. You are worthy of the change that you desire. You are valuable beyond measure. And it's so worth investing in yourself. Invest time into yourself, invest energy into yourself, invest finances into yourself, invest your intentions into yourself. Like, truly treat yourself in that way that you know you deserve to be treated in all areas of your life. Okay, so I'll see you at the free workshop for sure. June 6th, 7th and 8th. Get on the email list if you want to receive the link to that and I'm happy to send it to you. Um, and it's going to be so, so, so good. We'll be talking about but on there, blaming, complaining and justifying. And it will empower you so much to make some really big changes in your life. And I promise you that if you remove the word but and you use the word and you will notice huge shifts in yourself and your kids. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.