56. Setting The Tone and The Mom Guilt That Comes

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Well, I just listened to that intro and I think it's time for an update. I think we are going to take some time and update that. It's been been a while, so expect that coming to the podcast, if you're new here, if you're just now coming across my account on Instagram or the email list or the courses that I put out, the free workshop that I have, like any of this stuff working on your mindset. Let me just give you an update, give me. Give you some real talk on it before we dive into this episode about mom guilt and the recovery from it. So what I the work that I'm doing here is to help you control your thoughts, control what you're thinking about your kids, give you new perspectives and enlightenment so that you can show up feeling the way you want to feel about your kids, about your spouse, about your life, about who you are, and then feel proud of your choices because thoughts create feelings and feelings lead to choices. So if we can start working on your thoughts, you are going to love the outcome so much more than then if you're just trying to shame yourself and criticize yourself and have that negative self talk trying to get you to change. Like all that negativity, all that self hatred is not going to grow you into a version of you that you love. And we can do it in a really conscious and intentional way where you're controlling your perspective. And it's amazing how much goodness can come from that. And that's exactly leading into this episode because, man, did I practice that a few days ago with my kids. So Marcus was out of town for a few days and I knowing that, like, he was gonna be out of town, so I've got the three boys and I, I just really wanted to, like, have a good time with them. Right. So the first night that my husband's gone, things went like a normal bedtime, whatever. And then the second night, my husband was gone. It was quite possibly the hardest bedtime I've ever done as a mother. I mean, it just felt so challenging and so difficult and so hard and so taxing mentally, physically, emotionally, maybe even spiritually in all the areas that I left the room and I just wanted to cry. Like, I just felt that. And I did cry and I got on my Instagram and I was talking about how, like, hard that bedtime felt. And I do think it's so valuable for me to be able to show up and share when I find something to be very difficult. Because mindset work isn't about thinking everything is easy. Mindset work is not about always feeling like you want to do these productive things and you want to be calm and you, like, you don't always feel that way. Mindset work is empowering yourself through the circumstances that you're given. And sometimes those circumstances are really freaking hard. So here's, here's the full story of what had happened that evening. My kids and I had a pretty, like, average pushing, good day together. There was still, like fights between them. Liam and Luke, I swear, every day have pummeled each other to the ground. Like, it's kind of intense. They're three and almost five years old, and I'm still learning how to navigate that. I'm also still learning how to navigate my three year old's big feelings. Like he has, he just feels everything really intensely. And I'm trying to figure out how do I best support him in those moments. Because when Liam, my 5 year old, went through that similar thing, I found that it always helped if I just got to my knees and offered him a hug, he would run to me and collapse into my arms every single time. And he's totally like a physical touch kit. Like he loves that physical touch. And anytime I've tried to do that with Luke, my three year old, it's been like disastrous. Like he will just like screaming, no, mom, stop doing that. He just gets so mad. So I'm like, okay, all kids are different. What's gonna work for one may not work for the other. And I feel like I've just been trying to figure out what works for Luki, and that's a big part of it. So anyway, Liam and Luke, yes, they still fought that day. We are navigating that and, and it was just like a normal day for us. Anyway, we went through all of that and that evening I was kind of like feeling close to my end. I had, I had felt that I had reached my capacity. My husband was out of town. So, like, it's on me. It's on me. I know it's on me. There's no tapping out, there's no calling in, you know, a lifeline like, hey, yeah, could you just come take over? I need to, like, step away for a minute. And. And I think honestly, sometimes, like, that's what makes it feel easier when your spouse is gone, is that your mind knows it's not an option to just look over and see what your spouse is doing and say, like, hey, can you step in? So your mind goes to this place of, like, understanding. It's all on you, and you're the adult and you're the one that's gonna show up. So if you've ever felt like, oh, it's easier when my spouse is gone, that is my personal perspective on that is that your mind understands that it's just on you. And when your spouse is there, it's easier for our mind to go to this place of expectations. Remember the land of expectations. But we're like, hey, you should be doing xyz. You hear what the kids are doing. Why aren't you stepping in? You see that? I've been with them all day. Why aren't you taking over? Like, your mind goes to that place, whereas when they're not there, you just keep going because your mind understands that it's all on you. So anyway, there's that whole freaking thing. So that evening I had felt, you know, I've kind of reached my capacity. It's almost bedtime, and I'm just trying to, like, see that, like, light at the end of the tunnel and take care of myself in the process. So I had asked Liam and Luke, we had got dinner, and I said like, hey, you guys, sit down, eat dinner, and I'm gonna go take a shower. And they're like, well, can we eat on the front porch? And, you know, it's like a 50, 50 shot of them eating on the front porch if they're gonna actually stay on the front porch. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. And when they don't, you know, we're learning. I love our neighborhood. I feel super safe and comfortable with it. So anyway, I was like, yeah, you guys can eat on front porch. And so I go take a shower. Drew's with me, and Liam and Luke are eating down the front porch. And then I get out of the shower and I go look on the front porch. And literally, this is like a four minute deal. Like, the fastest shower. I don't wash my hair every shower. Like, I just wash my face, wash my body, get out. Especially, like, Drew is sitting right outside the tub. How much time is he really going to give me before he's like, hey, what are you doing? You know, So I have really conditioned Myself to take the fastest showers. And anyway, I knew my boys were out there, so put on my pajamas. I walk outside, and they're not on the porch. They're actually all the way up the street playing with, like, a five. Like, five other kids. They're playing basketball. And I know that family, too. And I was, like, feeling a little bit disappointed, because in my mind, I was thinking, I told you to stay on the porch. So, like, it's the thoughts creating the feelings. I want you to really notice that it's my thoughts of what my kids are doing that's creating my feelings of disappointment. It's not the fact that they're playing basketball. Like, if I were to just think, oh, they're playing basketball, I wouldn't feel disappointed. I would actually feel very excited. Like, oh, my gosh. They're socializing. They're making friends. They're so confident. They're out there shooting a freaking basketball. Like, way to go, kiddo. Like, I'm just looking at it as you're not doing the thing that I told you to do, and that feels disappointing. So anyway, I see them up the street, and part of me just wanted to walk right up there, be like, no, actually get back home. And then this other part of me is like, you know what? It's summer. I'm gonna give him five more minutes. I'll just clean up the kitchen. They're fine. All is well. Marcus is gone. Like, we've got this. So I go clean up the kitchen. I'm still with Drew, and part of me still feels, like, frustrated that they didn't do the thing that I asked them to do. And it was just trying. Like, it was a trying day for us. And like I said, I had kind of reached that capac. So anyway, they come down the street, and there's four little girls that live across the street from us. They love to play with them. And now they're, like, playing with them and still not eating their dinner. So at that point, I go outside. I was like, hey, bud, it's time to come back to the porch. Eat your dinner. And Liam. Liam said, okay, mom. So they come back, and they start eating their little dinner that was on the porch swing. And I go back inside, finish cleaning up, and I wanted to have Drew to sleep. This is how I do bedtime if my husband's out of town. Since I have the three boys, they have different routines. I put Drew to sleep first, and then I put Liam and Luke to sleep. So at this point, Liam and Luke are eating on the front porch. I was like, okay, boys, I'm going to put Drew to sleep. I'll be right out. And like, our porch swing shares that window. So, like, I can still hear everything. And I feel good about that. I feel good about my choice. So I put Drew to sleep. He did so great. So awesome. Leave his room. And that took like, I don't know, 10, just under 10 minutes probably for that whole process. Leave Drew's room. And now Liam and Luke again are not eating their dinner. They're across the street, which I could hear them the whole time through the window. So I go out on our porch. Liam and Luke are across the street. And I was like, liam, I need you to come back now. And he says, no, I'm playing with my friends. And I think, I think, I think at that point I had reached the like over capacity where my mind was like, absolutely not. Like, absolutely not. You're not gonna tell me no. And I was just like feeling so frustrated. And I stood on the porch just looking at him. And for me, like, I know for some people it's really watching maybe their action, right? And for some people it's watching what they say. And for some people it's watching like their facial expressions, their non verbal communication. And that's what I tried to stay most aware of because I'm pretty good at filtering, like what I say. I actually think I'm really good at that. It's just the nonverbal communication that is a subconscious thing. Like that look on your face is a subconscious thing. So anyway, Liam could see that I was not, not enthusiastic about what the attitude he was giving me. And then what felt frustrating was Luke was just following Liam, doing exactly what Liam was doing. And then they climbed into our neighbor's trailer, which is just like a flatbed trailer, so it's like open. And I really didn't like that they were doing that. And I didn't say a single word. And I was just standing there waiting for him to just make a good choice. And he wasn't. He was making his choice. He was doing what he wanted to do. And in that moment, I totally could have handled it so much better. Like, I could have given him options. I could have asked him better questions. I could, I could have done so many things different. And I think, like, I totally did the best I could in that moment. And I'm not exactly proud of the way that I handled it. I just, I was doing the best I could, a hundred percent. So a few minutes go past, and at this Point. I kind of feel like my blood's boiling and I felt so mad. And again, just standing in one spot, not focusing on my breathing, not focusing on including some movement to, like, move this energy around. I just stood in one spot, staring at what my kids were doing. Um, I was not helping myself. Totally was not helping myself. I was just sitting in it and letting it escalate itself. So ideally I would have been really focusing on my breathing right there. Ideally, I would have been, like, swaying my body back and forth or like moving my arms around, trying to move this energy around. And. And I didn't do that. I wasn't focusing on problem solving. Honestly, I think I just got into this really, like, you will respect me mentality, and that's just not effective. It's. It's not an effective place with my kids. It's very similar to the victim mentality, where it's like, why are you doing this to me? Which they're not doing anything to me. They're just doing what they want to do. So, yeah, we could say I was in my victim mentality at that point. And I finally, after like, three minutes of seeing Liam and Luke flat out do exactly what I asked him not to do, Tell me. No, I walk over there and I say, you will get off of Bruce's trailer right now and you will walk back home. And I did it, like, really stern and I just said, this is what you will do. And again, like, that's just not effective with my kids. I don't know about you. It's just not effective with my kids. And I know that I just wasn't staying conscious again, I wasn't helping myself. So I was adding. I was literally adding fuel to the fire at this point. And I guess. I guess this is just a fire I wanted to let burn. Apparently hindsight's 20 20, man. So anyway, Liam and Luke. Liam's like, okay. And Luke's like, stop saying that. Giving me their little attitudes, which, again, like, I kind of set it up for them to respond that way, react that way. And it's late in the evening. My kids were basically falling asleep at 6 o'. Clock. And then now it's like 7:30. I know they feel so tired. And I finally get them back into our house. And Liam. Liam was sitting on our porch and I was walking behind him. And as I walked by, he, like, popped up and like, smacked my leg and then walked inside. And I was just like, you know, I added fuel to his fire and he added fuel to mine. And then Luke was watching Liam, and he walks by me and he, like, smacks my leg too. You know how a little brother just, like, follows his big brother? And again, it was like, here's the gasoline just pouring down on my fire. I was like, I have got to help myself now. Like, if I'm gonna do this in a way that I feel proud of, I. I'm gonna have to help myself. And, yeah, I still. I still didn't very well. So anyway, we didn't even do bath that night. I was like, abs, I'm. I'm all done. Like, I am all done. And that's what I told my boys. Like, I'm all done. Here's your pajamas. Go ahead and put on your pajamas. I was, like, really short in my communication with them, trying to just say the minimum and then get them in bed and we could all just lay down and honestly wait it out for them to fall asleep. Like, that's the point I was at. So I get Luke's pajamas on. He's screaming the whole time Liam is laying in his bed and saying, I'm not going to sleep. I'm not going to sleep. I was like, fine. You. Fine. You just go ahead and stay awake. We're all gonna lay down. And you. You can just lay there then. Fine. And I. Anyway, that whole thing went on. They're just still, like, screaming, fighting bedtime. And the best mentality I could come up with, like, just place to keep my head so that I was not absolutely lashing out and projecting all of my anger onto them, was to keep telling myself, just a few more minutes. Like, they will be asleep in a few minutes. This is the end of it. This is the end of the day. This is the last thing I'm gonna do. And they'll be asleep. My whole house is clean. Just a few more minutes. And then it was literally, like 35 minutes later that they probably fell asleep and I leave their room. And I was just feeling, like, so defeated and so disappointed and, like, it was all. Just felt so freaking hard. And I got on my Instagram and I talked about it, and I was like, I don't know if I'm in, like, this new season of motherhood. I don't know, like, this hitting, this talking back, saying no, pushing things. Like, all of that just feels really freaking hard right now. And Luke doing whatever Liam does. Like, it was feeling so hard. So I talked about on my Instagram story, I got a lot of good encouragement back to me. I went to bed that evening, and I. Before I went to bed that evening. I also shared Instagram, like, I am going to approach tomorrow differently. Like, I'm good. I. I'm to the point where I need to try something new, because if this is a new season, it's going to require more of me and something different from me. And I am a firm believer, especially with mindset work, like, when you're feeling challenged and when you feel like you're in hardship, it is your opportunity of learning and growth. So now that I'm feeling challenged, I'm literally being asked to grow. And I feel like that's what motherhood's always asking us to do in every new season and every new pushback and every new challenge and the hardship, it's asking us to grow. And that foundation of a mentality helped me so much, because did I help myself through all of the hard moments that evening? No, I didn't. And honestly, I could have liked, done a way better job all day helping myself. It's just my mind just. It was in a very distracted place where I wasn't prioritizing what matters most. So that that evening, I shared how, you know, I'm going to come up with something, and I'm going to try something different tomorrow because there is something I can do, and I understand that my kids control themselves, and it's my job to control me. And if there's anything I'm going to control about me, it's what I'm freaking thinking, because what I think creates the way that I feel, and the way that I feel is going to lead to my choices. So I went to bed that night, and I woke up the next morning, and I decided on two things. Two things I was gonna try that day. Number one, asking my kids what they would like to do. Because when I reflected on the previous day, I noticed that I was just, like, saying what we're gonna do, And I didn't really take the time to consider what they really wanted to do in their day. And especially with Liam being almost five, it just. He knows what he really wants to do. Whereas with Luke being three and Drew being 10 months, it's easier to say, like, hey, we're gonna bake pretzels now, or we're gonna do X, we're gonna do Y. Let's get in the car. We're gonna go do Z. And Liam, I think, just wants more of that independence and where he feels like he's contributing to the plan. And honestly, like, who doesn't want that? So as I was reflecting on the night that was one thing that I decided to focus on was asking my kids, what do you really want to do today? And the second thing that I decided was asking them instead of, like, you know, they're outside playing with friends, and instead of me just, like, pulling them in, calling them in, it's time to come inside. It's time to come eat. It's time to do this. It's time to do this. I wanted to approach it differently because I think that's a trigger for my kids is when it's, like, just disrupted and they're just expected to stop doing the thing that they're really enjoying doing and come listen to me, which just sounds a little bit bizarre when you really reflect on it. So I decided the second thing I was gonna work on was asking my kids, how much more time do you need? So those are the two things that I decided to work on the next day, which was Saturday. Number one being, what would you like to do today? And number two being, how much more time do you need? So that night, like, the really hard night, right? Like, coming out of that. This is the thing with mindset work. And I really want to emphasize this before I tell you about what happened on Saturday. What good is it to have all this negative self talk and to beat yourself up and to put yourself down and go to this place of shame saying how you're such a terrible mom when you're already going through something hard? You're, like, putting more weight onto yourself. You're adding more burden onto yourself instead of just realizing, look, I'm at my capacity, I'm doing the best I can. I'm going to try something new because I want to do better, and it's okay for us to want to do better. Like, so striving progression, growth. That is, like, what we're here to do. That's what life is. So with this mindset work, I basically want you to be able to recognize that, yes, you go through hardship, and there's just no good reason to leave yourself in it and abandon yourself and become your own worst critic and your own biggest bully. When you're going through something so hard, there's just no good reason to do it. You're not going to hate yourself, shame yourself, and speak negatively to yourself into a version of you that you love and that you're proud of and you're doing better. Like, that's just not gonna happen. It's not gonna work. So if this is something you're really struggling with, with negative self talk, shaming yourself Projecting anger onto others instead of being able to really work through it and understand the root. And if you feel like you're not doing a very good job at reflecting and you end up just like sitting in poor patterns and behaviors that you're not proud of, consider coming into mind body alignment, my sweet friend. Like, it is 12 weeks of coaching with me. And in that 12 weeks, we go to the roots of why you're feeling and thinking the way that you're thinking. Because with mindset work, it's your experiences come in and then you make predictions. So without healing those experiences, you're going to keep making the same predictions, which means the same thoughts, the same feelings, the same actions. And you deserve so much more from more, more than that in your life. And inside of mind body alignment. I'll coach you through your identity, your mindset, healing your shame, giving you more skills and tools so you can use self forgiveness. You can really fine tune your expectations that they're actually serving you boundaries, journaling. I mean, all of the skills and tools that have helped me get to where I am in my life, I included mind body alignment, like overcoming the victim mentality and stepping into the empowered mind. So mind by alignment enrollment opens June 5th. June 5th. It's my last session of 2023. I hope to see you there. It is truly the best investment you can make in yourself right now. If those are the things that you're struggling with, we will overcome your negative self talk. And that alone will change your life. It will change the way that you engage with your kids, the way you hold yourself, the way you handle hardship, the way you genuinely allow yourself to express emotions without projecting them onto other people. Like, we can do this. We can do this. And you can tell, even for me, like, even when I have hard times, hard moments, I'm not proud of my behavior. I don't leave myself there. I'm not just gonna stay there. Like, no. And I want that for you too. So June 5th, mark your calendar. You're gonna want. You're gonna want to be in mind body alignment. This is definitely going to be our most, gosh, our most special, special round of mind body line. I have lots of surprises lined up and I'm just so excited for it. So anyway, come into mind body alignment. Going back into the story that morning, asking the boys, what do you really want to do? And then really challenging myself inst them what to do, Asking them how much more time they need to do the thing that they're doing. So my boys took a bath that morning because they did not take a bath the night before. And they're in the bath. And, you know, I asked them, what do you really want to be able to do today? And both of their answers were, riding bikes. Like, I really want to be outside riding bikes. I was like, okay, deal. And I asked them, you know, there's a surprise that I want to do with you guys today, and we would need to go to the store to get a couple things for our surprise. Do you guys want to do that with me? And they're like, yeah, yeah, of course. So anyway, we ended up doing all this, and they're still in the bath. And we agree, like, hey, we're going to be going to the store this morning. I included them in that con into that communication. And I guess, like, Saturday, a huge change was also basically just over communicating to my kids, like, telling them what I'm thinking, allowing room for what they're thinking, and really working together on that. So anyway, they had been in the bath for a while, and I was like, okay, guys, I was ready for them to get out of the bath. And this was, like, my first opportunity of the day to ask them how much more time they needed. So I intentionally did that. I was very proactive, very planned of me to ask them that. And I go back into the bathroom, and I asked them, how much more time do you guys need in the bath? And liam was like, 100 minutes. And I was like, okay, deal. I'll be back in 100 minutes, and then we'll get out of the bath now. I did not go set a timer for 100 minutes. That. Absolutely not. I just listened and I took in the information. I said, okay, you've got a bad deal. I came back seven minutes later. Seven minutes later, which honestly feels like a long time for kids. I said, okay, it's been 100 minutes. Time to get out. Let's go. And Liam popped right up. He's like, okay. And then Luke popped right up. Okay. And it was just so freaking refreshing. Like, I got on Instagram. I was like, you guys, it worked. Like, you will not even believe this. It freaking worked. I asked about trying to eat, and I told them the whole story. And it just felt so fun to, like, take you guys along on that as I was learning and practicing new things, too. And that's what I love about mindset work. It's just there's so much room to practice something new, to try something different. And it's because you have this mentality that believes that there's always something you can do. And when you're doing one thing that's not working, then you can shift to something else that would work better. And that's so beautiful to have that mentality as a mother, as a partner, as a sister, a daughter, an entrepreneur, an employee. Like, any area of your life, it's so powerful to have that mentality. And that's something that you can have, too. We can condition that into you a thousand percent. So anyway, that was, like, our first big win of the day, where I was like, oh, yeah, extra pep in my step. Sounded so good. The kids got them all dressed, ready. We got into the car. We went to Walmart. We got things to make slime that day. We've never made slime before. And that was, like, my intentional thing to do with them that day was to make slime. We got the car washed together, which we love, the car wash. We went to a plant nursery, got a few new plants to surprise my husband with while he was gone. And then we came back home, and I put Drew down for a nap. And while Drew was down for a nap, I said, okay, like, let's make our slime. This is gonna be so fun. They're like, yeah, so, you know, I'm pouring out the big bins and putting tons of glue and the activator stuff, and, like, all of my attention is on them. And we had, like, just the best day. We ended up having neighbors come over, and we had enough for, like, them to make slime, too. So at one point, there's seven kids in my kitchen. There's slime being made. And then I decided at the same time to make pretzels, because I just feel like that's such a fun, delicious snack for a ton of kids. I was like, hey, we'll make pretzels. So I started making the pretzel dough, and it was just, like, my dream day as mom. Like, it was. It was so amazing. And I have the same kids. Like, Liam and Luke are the same. Drew's the same. My husband's still gone. Like, it's me with them. And the day went so much better. And we had the same people, the same circumstances, Just a brand new mentality, A brand new mentality, new intentions, a new game plan. And that changed everything, because I was able to remember who I really am as their mother, who I really am as a wife, as a homemaker, and, you know, as a mother in the neighborhood. Like, I was able to keep that at, like, the center of my heart and. And focus on what is in my control and keeping my kids involved in that communication and remembering, like, we're a team. It's not me against you. It really is, like, all of us in this together, and what you want matters, and what I want matters, and what you're doing matters, and what I'm doing matters. And we can. We can work together. And that. That shift in mentality helped me so much that day. We truly had, like, my dream day as a mom. Like, all of the slime, and it was so, so fun. And I just kept up with the kitchen. Like, that's typically my goal each day is just keep the kitchen clean. So they make slime. I clean up that mess. We make pretzels. I clean up that mess. And at that point, like, everything just feels really good. And then we spent the rest of the day outside in the garden riding bikes. Liam still played with friends all day. Anyway, we had a really, really awesome day. And I continued asking the questions, you know, how much more time do you need? And what would you like to be able to do? And, like, that was, like, my intention, right? So at the end of the day, we had this awesome day, and I put Drew down for bed. Like, everything went so smooth. It was so good. Like, Luke got into his crib. He likes to climb into his crib by himself. He got right into his crib. Like, I'm saying, okay, guys, it's. It's time for bed. How much more time do you need to play with the trains? And at that point, I think they said five more minutes. And I was like, okay, sounds good. I'll go, like, put the toys away in your room, get your cup of water, and then you guys can, you know, we'll all come into your room together. And that evening, there was also a point before that that I was sitting on the living room floor with Drew, and Liam comes up to me with two bags of slime. He's like, mom, will you play slime with me? And I was like, yeah. So I take the slime, and we both just play slime together for 10 minutes. And just, like, in that 10 minutes, realizing, like, how important it is and how much it means to Liam that I'm just, like, sitting down, doing the thing that he wants to do. I am really good at including my kids into the thing that I want to do. Like, hey, do you guys want to come work at me? Do you guys want to make pretzels with me? Do you guys want to work in the garden with me? Like, I'm really good at Bringing my kids into what I want to do, and I have a lot of room for improvement to do the thing that they want to do. Like, they want me to be on the bike riding with them. They want me to play pretend. They want me to do nerf guns. They want me to play slime. They want me to play sand. They want me to jump on the trampoline with them. Right? Like, I have so much room to improve there. And noticing that, like, that little instance with Liam, the ways I was able to connect with Luke that day, doing the slime, like, noticing that all day. It's finally time for bed. My kids are just cooperating, and we're really working as a team. Drew's asleep, and I'm laying there with him, and I'm just feeling, like, so overly grateful. And we have their yodo playing, which is like a storybook playing player. I freaking love that thing. We have the Yoda going. Luke's laying in his crib. He's like, I love you, mom. I'm like, I love you too, buddy. I hope you sleep good. He's like, hey, good night. And Liam's like, I love you, mom. I'm like, I love you too, buddy. And he's like, mom, can you not believe that we didn't hit each other today? And I was like, what? I was like, who? Yeah, you didn't hit me. And he's like, because Liam had hit me the night before, so that's what I thought he was talking about. He's like, no, me and Luke, we didn't hit each other today. And I mentioned at the beginning of this episode, Liam and Luke literally pumble each other at least once a day where it's like this huge lash out fight where, gosh, they'll kick each other in the face. They'll. Liam will flat out punch Luke right in the cheek. Like, it is so intense that I've been working really hard to figure out, like, what is the source of this? What is the root of this? How do we best, like, have close time together and more positive interaction together so you guys can see, like, you really enjoy playing with one another. How do we do this? And after he said that, I was like, man, bud. Like, that's amazing. That's amazing. I'm so proud of both of you and I'm so happy for you. Like, that's so fun that you guys can play that way. He's like, yeah. And anyway, he, like, shortly went to sleep after that, and I'm just laying there thinking about what he Just said, like, can you not believe that? And that's how Liam talks to me. Can you not believe that? Luke and I, like, we didn't fight today, we didn't hit each other. And, and one, it really stood out to me that Liam noticed that and I didn't. And that was like a big part of his day, like, worth mentioning to me as an almost five year old as we're laying down to go to sleep at night. And I'm laying there thinking about it and I'm reflecting on the day and I'm just asking myself, like, what was different today? Like, what, what was different? That it also really affected their relationship and the way they were playing together and seeing each other and communicating with one another. And I'm laying there thinking about it, and I realized, I do not think that it was me asking, what do you want to do today? And how much more time do you need? I don't think it was that. I really, really don't. I. I realized in my, in my percept, my perspective and my relationship with my kids and what I know about my kids is that it wasn't that. I really think that they had a much better day together and their relationship was so much easier for them to navigate with one another because I was doing so much of what they wanted to do that day. Like, it was me spending time with them, doing what they wanted to do instead of them being invited into doing what I want to do. Which maybe for them, sometimes that feels like a competition of who gets more time with mom. My, all of my boys are very much mama's boys. Plus we have a 10 month old. Like, that's really difficult on my older two because, you know, I hold Drew a lot throughout the day. Drew cries and I pick him up and he's right next to me all day. And Liam still wants to sit on my lap to eat. Like, Luke wants me to carry him. Like, my kids are very, very much right there next to me. And all that considered, I. I just started to feel like this overwhelming feeling of guilt. I just felt so guilty laying there and making the connection of like, it's me, it's me. Not only do I set the tone of my home, I also really influence the tone of their relationship with one another. And I've said that for a long time, like with you guys on Instagram, in the emails, in the podcast. Like, I truly wholeheartedly believe that mothers set the tone of the home. I really believe that. And I've seen it play out in my own Life, too. And I think I just. In setting those intentions, I realized, like, my tone was completely different and, like, something was just such a powerful change for them that they didn't find the need to hit each other even when the other person wasn't doing what they wanted them to do. Like, they were just so much more kind and compassionate with one another. And I. I really believe that that was because of me. I know I don't control their relationship, and they are. They're responsible for the relationship that they have with one another. I totally get that. And they will be for a lifetime. I just believe that I influence that relationship so strongly by who I'm choosing to be as their mother and what I'm choosing to do as their mother and say to them as their mother. And just noticing that in that day, I really felt so guilty by the end of it. And again, like, I got on Instagram. That's why I'm recording this episode, because so many people messaged me on Instagram about it. And I got on Instagram, like, oh, wow. Like, I have some major room for improvement in the way I'm spending time with my kids, what I'm prioritizing doing with them, the way I'm communicating with them in terms of, like, asking them and, like, what do you really want to do? And how much more time do you need? You know, being. Being very involved and proactive that way. And it. The guilt was coming from knowing that this power, this ability has been within me all along. And I'm thinking about all the times my kids have punched each other in the face and beat each other to the ground and screaming at one another and saying really unkind things to each other. And I do not believe that I control all of that. I do not believe I control that. I believe that I strongly influence it. And if I could have been doing this all along, I just wonder how much of that could have been saved and avoided and how much faster they could have been learning to really enjoy one another's company instead of fighting for my attention, is what I think it comes down to is fighting for my attention. So that's where my feeling of guilt was coming from. Like, I can be this mother, and I'm gonna be her a whole lot more often, as much as I. As much as I can, and it doesn't take a whole lot. And honestly, it was like my dream day as a mother. So why am I not creating it more often and letting those be questions that I sit with and maybe questions that you want to sit with too. And in that I just, like, I was feeling so guilty and I cried and I jumped on my trampoline just trying to, like, regulate myself, move through the feelings, still feel them, and not leave myself there because I don't deserve to be left there. I'm a great mom. I'm doing the best I can. I'm learning a little bit more every day, and so are you. Like, that's just who we are as mothers, right? And we're committed to this growth and we are devoted to this journey of learning hard lessons and being so grateful for the lesson itself, because some lessons are really freaking hard to learn, like that one. And then we're so grateful to have it because we can do better moving forward. And motherhood, it like breaks you and strengthens you all at once. It's so much, so much. It's so much breaking and so much strengthening all at once. And I just, I really want to be the mother that my kids get teary eyed talking about for the rest of their life. Like, I, that's, that's the mother that I want to be. And I want my boys to have a wonderful relationship because we had a wonderful relationship. And I want to influence that in every, every possible way that I can. Because, you know, their relationship's going to last a whole lot longer than I'm around. And I, that's what I want. And like, it takes so much conscious effort and so much conscious work. And this mindset work that we're doing is so much bigger than us. So when you're feeling guilty as a mother, being able to bring yourself back to understanding that you're doing the best you can, you're an exceptional mother, you're willing to learn these hard lessons, you're willing to feel the break and the strength all at once, and it's gonna feel really intense. Like, that is mindset work. What you think about the way you're feeling is mindset work. What you think about what you're doing and what you're not doing is mindset work. And that's powerful. Like, thoughts come first, thoughts come first. So, yes, I'm sitting there feeling guilty because I haven't focused on this sooner. And I'm able to recognize that, like every, every place I've put my time, be it in my work, recording podcast episodes, in my exercise, in my journaling, every place I've put my time has been intentional. Even if I sit down to watch a movie, right? Sit down to watch a movie or have a girls night or whatever, like that's intentional, too, because I want my cup to feel full and overflowing into my kids. And sometimes a movie fills my cup, and a girl's night fills my cup. And that day, like my dream day as a mom, I realized that making slime with my kids also fills my cup. And doing the thing that they want to do with me also fills my cup. And that is so good and hard all at once. So with this of you really setting the tone and realizing that you might feel a little bit guilty at first, and I know that feeling very well, and I'm telling you right now that you can help yourself through it. You can learn the lesson and be that encouraging teacher to yourself, right? The teacher that teaches you the lesson without shaming you, helps you see what you need to see without. Without criticizing you and judging you. Like, you can be that for yourself. So when you have these powerful realizations as a mother, just like I am, you're able to notice, like, this is an important lesson for me to learn. And it feels really tough to learn it. And I'm just so grateful to have it now so that I can do better moving forward. That's mindset work. So let us realize that we really do set the tone. Let us fully embrace our power as mother and learn the hard lesson that it's been within us all along. We've always had this ability, and now it's an intention, it's a focus, and we're devoted to doing it more often. And we're okay with not being perfect. We're okay with it being messy. We're okay with learning as we go and encouraging ourselves along the way so that if we ever do feel guilty because part of us thinks like man, not only am I setting the tone of my home, that also influences the relationship that my kids have with one another. That's what I'm personally realizing right now. Maybe not everyone agrees with it. I just feel that it's very true. In my home, that felt really hard. That felt really hard for me to. For me to come to terms with. And now that I have learned the hard lesson, I'm so grateful that I have it. So set the tone. Own that. Own that you set the tone of your home. Own that there's always something that you can do. Own that you can be the mother that you want to be. And if anything, you are the only person stopping you. Because if you choose to continue thinking the same thing about your kids, you will continue feeling the same way. And if you choose to think something radically different, you will transform in remarkable ways. And truly, you are one thought, one new thought away from new feelings, from new choices. And doesn't that sound really exciting? One new thought. Have you ever seen some of the affirmations that I share on Instagram? You're like, wow, that's exactly what I needed to hear. And it's one new thought that created new feelings and now sets you on the road for new actions, new choices. And I just, I love that so much. So believe me when I tell you I'm right on this journey with you. And I'm so passionate about it. Not because I'm perfect at it, but it's. I'm passionate about it because I believe that we can do it. And in every new season we find ourselves in motherhood, there's going to be more ways that we can help ourselves than not. And I just want us more focused on the ways that we can help ourselves through the hard stuff and being able to, yes, communicate when it's freaking hard without leaving ourselves right in the middle of it. We deserve to take our own hand and walk in the direction that we want to go in. And I hope that I get to be on that journey with you, walking alongside you, and we can be our own best friends and enjoy each other's company on this journey. So I love you dearly. I hope this, this episode helped you be it with mom guilt, the tone that you're setting in your family, a couple new questions that you can set as an intention to ask your kids, and really anything else that you learn from this. I'm just so grateful that you're here and I hope to see you inside of the Mind Body Alignment June group enrollment opens June 5th, and I promise you that it will transform your mind, your heart, your energy, and release so much of those burdens that you've been carrying for far too long. So let's, let's adopt a new way of going through the self discovery and healing work so that you can become who you want to be. And Mind Body Alignment is here to do that with me. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.