60. Two Words That Will Change The Way You Think and Communicate

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment Podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Well, hey there, my sweet friend. I'm so glad that you're back here with me on the podcast. And today I'm going to teach you something that will help your mind focus, fight for what is right rather than fighting to be right. That is such a shift for us to adopt, and it really takes conditioning and an intentional plan to be able to do that. Because, let's be honest, most of us are fighting to be right. And we get into a very defensive place. Not because we're defensive people. We do it because that's what we know how to do. That's our conditioning. And for a lot of us, it's a coping strategy. Right? We've been through really hard things in life, and throughout all of those hard things that we've been through, we've needed to learn how to cope. And that doesn't mean that we've built the most healthy coping strategies. So I am sharing this with you in the hopes to empower you and give you something new to try as you're working really hard on overcoming these coping strategies that you might have built out. Because I have built them, too. That's where ignoring comes in for me. Like, I will just want to shut down, ignore, get angry, and yell. Like, that is a thousand percent how I learned to cope with hard things. And I know that a lot of times it's really unhealthy, and it creates so much more distress and tension in my relationships rather than focusing on seeing the other person and really hearing them and spending one minute in their world to understand where they're, where they're coming from, and being able to observe without judgment, like, all the things that we want to be able to do. I am actively, I mean, very actively working on learning and implementing these things right alongside you. And if today is your first day, the only difference between you and I is that I've been practicing longer. That's it. You have just as much ability and capacity and potential and opportunity to implement just as much mindset work as I do. And my goal is that I can help you see how empowering and honestly, fun, fun this can be when you know what to do and how to do. It. So let's first start this with why we're doing it. We are going to be implementing this new tool that I'm going to teach you. And part of your mind, honestly, might be like, you've got to be freaking kidding me. Is Tessa full of it today? Like, what is going on? Why is she saying this? Give me just a minute. I promise this will make sense by the end. And we're really focusing on this so that you can feel in control of yourself. You can feel empowered, and you can feel calm even when things on the outside might look difficult. I want you to have extreme belief in yourself and feel empowered in these circumstances, because most times the circumstances are outside of your control. You influence them. Sure. And that's why it's so amazing to have more skills and tools to be able to influence the circumstances in a way that you actually want to see them going, rather than pouring gasoline on the fire, which is where, like, my lovely anger and ignoring and criticism can come in. That doesn't help. Right. It just makes things worse. So that's why we're doing it, because you can be who you want to be. You can love the way you're handling hard things, and they can still be hard. And you can say, I handled that so freaking well. I mean, seriously, look at me go. Like you can do that. So that's why we're doing this. Now let's talk about what we're going to do. You are going to use these two simple words. Two simple words. And you are going to give me the opportunity to explain it to you so that you can feel like you get it. Okay? So let's imagine something simple. I mean, this might not seem simple in the moment. Hindsight's 20 20, though. So let's imagine that your kids are having a really hard time about something. I mean, let's make it simple, right? Let's say they didn't get the brownie. They really wanted a freaking brownie, and they didn't get one. And let's even add to that. Let's. Let's pour some spice in there. Let's make this extra spicy. You told them. You told them that morning that they could have a brownie after lunch. And then, you know, the day went on, things got forgotten, and now it's dinner time. And they're like, but I didn't get my brownie. You said, I can have a brownie. And here comes the meltdown, right? Because we miss that. That better window to eat a brownie. And you're like, you Know, kiddo, I just don't want you eating a brownie right before dinner. And your child is just attached to this idea of having a brownie and the fact that you said they could have a brownie. Now, we have other. We have options here. How are we going to handle this? Now? One of the clear options looks like, and sounds like the arguing, defending ourselves, fighting to be right. I told you you could have a brownie after lunch. Now we're eating dinner, we missed it, you forgot you can try again tomorrow. I mean, I really appreciate that you said they can try again tomorrow. I think that's awesome. And I also see how we kind of poured gasoline on a fire here, right? We were fighting. We're arguing so that we're right rather than fighting for what is right. There's a big difference in fighting to be right and then fighting for what is right. When we fight for what is right, we're willing to have a part in this. We're willing to say, you know, you're right. Did you see what I just said there? Those are the two words. Those are the two words that I want you actively implementing with your kids, with your spouse, with your neighbors, with co workers, with your in laws, with literally everyone with a friend. Implement those two words. You're right. Now let me explain this a little bit more with. With your right. Because it is just. I mean, personally, if I were hearing this the first time, especially like six years ago, I really believe that my mind would have been like, of course everyone else is right and I'm just wrong again. Like, I would have gotten probably very defensive and my mind would have gone exactly to the argument of place of pouring gasoline on fire just to watch it freaking burn. Like just to have a fire going on. I will create my own fire six years ago and before then. So if someone were to share that with me, like, Tessa, use the words, you're right. Use them with your kids, use them with your spouse. Like, if someone said to me, I would have been really objective to it and saying like, no, this is why it won't work for me. So let me explain it in a better way. When we're using your right, it is not because we agree with everything this person is saying. It's not because we're wrong, it's not because of anything like that. This isn't a racing to the seat of the victim here, right? Of who has it harder, who's right and who's wrong. It's not about that. Your right forces your mind to consider this Person's perspective. The person that you are talking to. It forces your mind to consider their perspective, which is beautiful. That's a beautiful skill to develop that you're willing to actually listen to what this person is saying. Mom, you said I could have a brownie after lunch. Instead of going argumentative, instead of fighting to be right, what can we do? We can say you're right. I did say you could have a brownie after lunch. And I know it feels really hard right now that we missed that. We missed that window of after lunch. And you're so right. I did say that. So how about this? Here's my next best offer. Since we missed lunch, here's my next best offer. And then you give that best offer. Maybe you're totally fine with your kids having it after dinner. Maybe you're totally fine with them having it first thing in the morning when they wake up. Or you say, tomorrow after lunch, I will make sure it happens because I'm going to set an alarm on my phone for 12:30. We eat lunch at 12, and an alarm is going to go off on my phone at 12:30, and ding, ding, ding. I'll be able to remember it's brownie time. How do you feel about that, kiddo? And maybe they're just like, I hate that idea because I have to wait a whole other day. Or maybe they're going to say, okay, yeah, let's set an alarm on the phone. Like, maybe they'll be super on board, maybe they won't. The whole purpose of this is not to control the way the child reacts or responds. The whole goal in this is to control you. What you're thinking, what you're looking for in that opportunity of connection and in that circumstance with your child, with your spouse, whoever, what you're looking for in that and how you are showing up, because that is in your control. And honestly, why add freaking guilt to our plate? We already have enough going. Are you freaking kidding me? You have so much going on. Like, the last thing that you need to add to your plate is mom guilt because you yelled at your child over a freaking brownie. You know? Or we. Or we yelled at our spouse because of. So, like, let's. Let's apply this to our spouse now. Okay, let's have an example with the spouse. Let's say your spouse. Oh, man, this would be a little bit easier if I were talking to somebody else and they gave me an example, you know? So let's. Let's go with this story. Let's say your spouse is Saying something on the more like, you know, all or nothing end. Like the always and the never. They're throwing those words out there like, you never make time for me anymore. Maybe. Maybe. Okay, let's just imagine it. Let's roll. Let's. Let's play with it. Let's say you're in a little bit of a discussion that you see turning into an argument with your spouse. You see it happening, and you're like, oh, man, here we go. And your spouse says, you never make time for me. Okay, what can we do? What are our options here? We can say, well, that's because I'm making time for the house and the kids and my work and everything else going on. I'm the one that bears the major load here. Okay, yeah. So we could argue. Sure. And what is that? We're fighting to be right. Okay. What else could we do? We could say we could get into our own always and never. Right. Well, you never make time for me. When's the last time you planned a day? I don't see you putting in much effort. Okay, again, super argumentative. Pouring gasoline on fire, not necessarily helping us and maybe doesn't align with who we want to be and how we want to feel and what we want to think about this whole situation. So let's take another option. You're right. What would that look like here if my spouse said, you never make time for me anymore? Huh? You know, you're right. I can totally see where you're coming from. That my priorities have been on the kids and on the house, and I haven't been making as much time for you recently, and that is something that I would really like to work on. I can see how it's affecting you, and I can see how it's affecting me and us as a whole, all because I started with your right and I forced my mind to consider what. What is right in that perspective? The never isn't right that you never make time for me. The frick I'm making time for you right now. We're in this argument, aren't we? I'm in this discussion with you. That would be making time. So the never isn't. The truth in that never isn't right. There is truth in it. There is something right in it. And if I'm willing to listen and take that step back and consider someone else's perspective and truly force my mind to go there by using the words, you're right, I then direct my mind to look for what is right rather than fighting to be Right. So what your kids are saying to you, what your spouse is sharing with you, your boss, your co workers, your friends, maybe your friends say you're completely different. You've changed so much. And honestly, I don't think it's for the better. Wow. Maybe you could even share. I truly did not know that you felt this way. Thank you for bringing this to my attention. And you're right. A lot has been changing in my life recently. And I can honestly tell you that I'm doing the best I can. And I know that I'm changing. I truly, I feel that this is a time in my life to be changing. My priorities look a lot different. Where I'm spending my time looks a lot different. How I'm thinking about life and myself and the people in my life looks a lot different. So you're right. I can see how you've watched me change because I am changing. And then you can see how, like, I can respond to something in a way that I feel really proud of because I have told my mind, hey, show me in what they're saying, what is right. The always, the never, the aggressive, the. The hurtful stuff that. No, no, no, no, no. Just show me the perspective that I can get on board with. The brownie. Making time for one another, the changes that I've been making in my life. Show me that I can work with that and I can work with it in a way that I feel really freaking proud of. Because ultimately my goal is not to make someone think like me, make them do what I want them to do, or change the way that they feel. That's not my goal. My goal is to be proud of who I am, the way I'm showing up, and what I choose to do next. And that's what I want for you too. We can be who we want to be. We can be the mothers, the wives, the employees, the entrepreneurs, the friends, the daughter in law, the sister, the child of God. We can be who we want to be. And yes, it's going to take a lot of freaking clarity and an abundance of tools to get there. I have decided. An abundance of tools. And it's so nice that the more you work on this, the more tools reveal themselves to you. You're right. Revealed itself to me. I just noticed that it was working so well with my kids. When I would tell my kids, you're right, I did say that. I did say we would go to the park. I did say you could have the brownie. You're right, that is a really hurtful thing for Luke to do or say to you. You're right. It does seem like mommy is spending so much time with baby Drew, and that would be really hard. Like, your right is not because you agree with everything that they're saying or because you're always wrong. Two things can be right. There's room for you and this other person in a conversation. You're right. I can see how I didn't handle that in a great way. Your like, I want you to really reflect right now. Ask yourself, number one, can I see a place for your right to be practiced in my life? Can you come up with just one person to practice this with? A friend, a neighbor, a spouse, Your kids? I. I truly recommend practicing with your kids because kids are so accepting, they're so forgiving. I mean, gosh dang it, they're so freaking awesome. I mean, their ability to just move forward from something is actually exceptional. And I would love to have some more of that in myself. It's amazing. Like, you. You can. You can say it messy and you can stumble and fumble with your words, and they're just sitting there listening, watching you figure it out. Like, they're not judging. They're just taking it in. And anyway, I really recommend practicing with your kids. So maybe start practicing with your kids, see how it plays out, and then graduate and add one more person into this mix. Maybe it's your spouse. I use this with my spouse all the time. I use this with my friends. And what's interesting is it changes the entire dynamic of the conversation that the energy that you're experiencing and where you notice your mind going and the other person's contribution to the conversation as well, because you are not fueling fire. You're not fighting to be right. Yes, maybe they said something coming at it a little aggressive the first time, a little judgmental, little critical the first time they presented their thought to you. And when you decide to be the calm, steady, constant, and you hold firm in your position and you know exactly who you are and how you're going to show up in this conversation, even if something hurtful is said, does that mean you have to say something hurtful, too? No. We can persevere. We have capacity. We have tolerance. And gosh, that word tolerant. Like to have tolerance. I just. I love it. I love it so much. A client of mine actually shared that with me. She said, my husband's so tolerant, and she was referring to him with his parents. He's so tolerant of his parents, and he just has such a tolerance for them. And their behavior. And I sat with that and I thought about it for several weeks, and I decided, I want more tolerance. I want more tolerance. Why the freak am I expecting other people to handle things better than the freak I would like? I. I want more tolerance. I want to be able to show up and meet people exactly where they're at instead of throwing my expectations all over the place. I want to just meet them where they're at and have the tolerance to grab their hand and walk side by side with them. The tolerance to understand, you know, this is where you're at. And my capacity is here. So I'm. I'm going to hold myself in this way and remove myself from the conversation with. Rather than fueling the fire. I think to be tolerant is a really great thing. And it doesn't mean that you just keep these unhealthy relationships in your life. It means that you can handle the moment that's given to you in a way that you feel really proud of and then decide from there what you're going to do. Are you going to have some honest conversations and with the relationships that are no longer serving you, the habits, the behaviors that are no longer serving you? Maybe you do. I think that'd be awesome. So your two words are your right. Remember, this is grounding your perspective to look for what is right rather than fighting to be right. There's a big difference in the two of those. And what you're going to do is increase connection, increase vulnerability, let other people know, hey, it's okay to. To be soft. And I'm still listening to, even if you're talking kind to me. And you get vulnerable. Right? Like, you're right. It's just. It's so soothing. And I hope that you take this as an opportunity to just practice it with your kids today, with your boss, with your coworkers. Someone comes all hot and fiery at you, and you just look for what is right. You're right. I can see how that would be really stressful. You're right. You've taken on a huge load of your. Of this project. You're right that a lot has been put on you. A lot is expected of you. Look for, you know, people. People don't always say what they really mean. Sometimes people don't even know how to say what they really mean. They're just. They're doing the best they can. And so are you. So am I. So instead of taking everything that someone says as if it's exactly what they mean, challenge yourself to look for what's right. That's it. And then hopefully the people in our lives will see that there's a better way to handle things. There's a new way that we can do things. And I bet the more you use your right with the people in your life, the more they'll start to use it too. And you're just teaching them a new way of doing things. By the example that you're setting, you're leading the way, you're lighting a path. I think that's really special to do. It's really exciting. And it's okay if it's messy. It's okay if you get it wrong sometimes. That's all right. I do too. But really, it's all a learning opportunity. Challenges and hardships are opportunities of learning and growth. If what you're doing isn't working, try this. If that doesn't work, try something new. Keep on trying. There's always something that we can do. There's always another perspective. I'm proud of you. Thanks for showing up here. Must be friends. Go put your right into practice and challenge your mind to look for what is right rather than fighting to be right. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.