61. Replacing "Can't" with CAN! Helping You and Your Family Build A Better Mindset NOW

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. I'm coming back for you, baby. That's something that Luke and Liam have been saying often recently, and they've been saying, I love you, baby. It's so cute. It's so cute. So I love you, baby. I'm back for you, baby. I'm gonna talk just like them. Today's episode, I am hoping, will go right to your heart and your mind will accept it as truth, and we can inspire some serious change in your mindset and your actions, because I think that's why you're here. I think that's why you're taking the time to listen to these episodes, taking time out of your day. Like, I know there's so many things on your schedule and things that you want to get done. I greatly and sincerely appreciate you being here, giving me this opportunity to share what I believe in and love so much with you, because it has genuinely made, I mean, a 180 in my life, a massive difference in my life. And I want that for you, too, and I want it for our kids. I want our kids to be equipped with these same skills and tools. And I know that you are their best teacher. So really, I'm working through you. I want that. So here's. Here's the thought, and it's going to lead us into what we're really going to be working on for the next few episodes on the podcast. And that's really the words that we can be intentionally replacing in our daily language. There's going to be three of them that we really focus on together. No, can't and don't. We're going to focus on those three together. Today, we're going to be focusing on can't. And before we get into how we can be replacing the word can't and intentionally preparing our mind to be equipped to do so in the moment, because really, that's what feels hardest. Like, I can say it till I'm blue in the face, you know, replace the word can't. Here's why. And without having those examples and honestly, the practice to do it and the ability to know what to expect when you do it, without all of that preparation, the moment's gonna come. And you're gonna be like, easier said than done. I have to use the word can't. I need the word can't. There's no other way to phrase this. And your mind will go to those places. So I wanna best help you. And we've recently, I mean, not recently, we frequently hear that the best gift we can give our kids is time. Time with us and our attention, right? And being involved in the moment and really present with them. And I agree, I agree that time is truly, it's the most precious. We don'. Back. And how we choose to spend it can change our kids lives. How we choose to show up during this time of their childhood will affect their adulthood and the rest of their life. This might be the most important time of their entire life. I would argue that it is the most important time of their life because we're shaping them. Their beliefs are being formed. Who they believe they are is being confirmed. And there's so much goodness that we can do during this time that they are closest to us and the influences of the outside world are limited. So I do agree that time is just such a gift, right? The most precious gift that we can give our kids. And I would say tied for first, the most important gift, just like time that we can give our kids is our intentional language. Our language can be a generous, abundant, ever giving gift to them. And you know what I love about language? It's free. It's free. It doesn't require you to miss work to be intentional with your language. It doesn't require you to buy a toy to be intentional with your language. To goodness, to take more time than you would before. Maybe you're like, well, Tessa, I genuinely only have 10 minutes before I leave to work to see my kids. You use that 10 minutes, right, as a gift to them. I'm genuinely spending this 10 minutes with them and I'm filling it with language. That is a gift. You can use the same amount of time, the same amount of energy. We're gonna. That's a whole thing is like where you're choosing to put your energy really matters. And you don't need more energy. You just need to stay very intentional with where you're already putting your energy and take that same energy that you're pouring out trying to control other people and your kids and pour it back into you so that you can control you and be proud of your choices. So I would say tied for first. The greatest gift we could ever give our kids is our intentional language and pour it over them all day. Long in a very kind, calm, generous, compassionate, loving, nurturing way. And we can do that. We can do that if we choose to be intentional with it and learn a new way. This takes. This takes a lot of conditioning. And I would say that it's just so easy to step into reactivity. And once you're in that reactive place, it's easier to just stay there than it is to get out, honestly. So I get that if you feel like, yeah, Tessa, I wanna change my language. I wanna do this. I wanna pour good words and positivity and empowerment over them. It's just they do something and I immediately snap off a no, you can't do that. Don't do that. I already told you not to do that. Of course you're doing the very thing I asked you not to do. Like, your mind just goes to that place and somehow it just pours out of your mouth. I get that. I've had those times in my life, too. And I'm telling you that the only thing stopping you from using language that you feel really proud of is you. Our kids don't stop us. Our kids are the opportunity to use language that we feel really proud of. When they do the exact thing that you asked them not to do. Maybe that's the sign that we need to communicate differently and more effectively. And the way that we've said things in the past, it's just outdated now. It's time for us to evolve and learn and grow. Because they're evolving, they're learning, they're growing. And I feel so passionate about this. I feel so strongly about this, because language matters. Our words matter. They're so powerful. And if we can use more language that directs our kids with a clear vision of what we do want them to do and who we would love for them to be. Would you love for your child to be the things that you say they are? I've heard a lot of. I've coached mothers for the past five years now, and I love it. I'm so grateful. And I think about my own childhood, and I think about the things that I've said to my kids. And as I have been trying to learn better and do better and be better, and I have not always. Not to my kids as much, mostly to other people in my life, called people who I want them to be. Ugh, man. And maybe that's what you're sitting with right now. Like, maybe you haven't been telling your kids that they are who you want them to be, that they are kind, they're Generous, they're smart, they're capable, they're strong, they're empowered, they're nurturing, they're gentle, they're creative. Maybe you haven't been saying those things. Maybe you've been saying you, you're bad, you are mean, you're hurtful, you're selfish, you're angry, you're reactive, you're sensitive, you're not listening right. We've been using these you are statements in a really neglectful and abusive way. And that's something we can improve and work on. And you can find that in previous episodes that I've done. So this. That being said, the words that we use, I would argue is tied for first, the greatest gift we can give our kids time and our intentional words and language because that language we share with them becomes their self talk. And that brings me to today's episode and really focusing right now on can't. How often are we telling our kids the word can't? You can't do that. You can't be that. You can't hit your sister, you can't hit your brother. You can't have that snack. You can't climb up there. You can't watch tv, you can't get out of bed. You can't be up right now. You can't go to sleep right now. You can't eat this thing. You can't not eat the thing. You can't refuse to eat. You know, we're constantly using this word, and I want us to just reflect for a moment on how it's affecting our kids and their mindset. Their mindset that's being built right now. No matter how old your kids are, I promise you, now is a fantastic time to start implementing these changes. Your child could be 28 years old, and if you call them on the phone and you have these conversations with them and you just start changing your own language, they will pick up on it. I would notice if my mom started doing this when I call her on the phone. If I notice that she just removed the word can't from her language with me, I would notice and I would love it. And I'm 28 years old, and I would feel so inspired and full of hope and proud of her if she did that. I mean, obviously I can feel those weights towards her if she never does that. It's just the point that it does not matter how old your kids are. They can be seven, they can be three, they can be 10 months, they can be 10 years. They can be 14, 15, 16. And you're like Tessa, I hear them using the language that I've been using with them their whole life. I've missed my chance. The chance has passed. It is what it is. This is who they are now. What? What? I made the biggest changes of my life at 20 years old and 23 years old. Those were the two times in my life that I would say I made the biggest changes, the most massive shifts in my mentality. It is not too late. And you can be the beacon of hope for them. You can instill in them. Like, look, how old are you? Are you mid-20s, mid-30s, mid-40s? 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s? However old you are, don't you think it's more inspiring to see someone change that has been set in their ways for a longer period of time, and it's finally trying something new? I think that's incredibly inspiring. So let your kids see you change. Let your kids see you try something new. New language. Who cares if they look at you like, what? Who cares if there's some awkward pauses and there's moments of silence while you're trying to find the words? Good. Teach them that. Teach them that it's okay to take your time and process before you respond, that not every situation is urgent and not every question needs your answer. It's okay for us to model that. So coming into today's episode, again, you know that you are the greatest influence. You're the best teacher. And if you just start shifting your language in this way, it does not matter how old your kids are. It is a wonderful time to start. And the change starts with you. So you and I are committed for one day. I'm challenging you for one day to replace the word can't. Replace the word can't. Anytime you catch yourself using it, it's all right if it slips out every now and then. It's okay if it slips out 100 times that day. Just start becoming aware of it. When you say can't. And like I mentioned just a few minutes ago, we're saying all the things our kids can't do. You can't do this. You can't do this. You can't do this. What does that become in their mindset? I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't have that. I can't be this. Like, do we really want our kids, the upcoming generation, thinking more about what they can't do compared to what they can do? We really want that. I think that sounds extremely destructive. And so much despair and hurt and just complacency Complacency. Rather than figuring it out. Figuring out what you can do in the circumstances that suck. Figuring out what you can do about the things that you don't like are happening. Figuring out who you can be when you feel like you've strayed off path and. And off course with who you want to be. Figuring out the next best thing that you can do. Instilling that mindset is going to start with us. And if it doesn't start with us, then, gosh dang it, it's going to happen 10, 20 years from now when our kids are finally picking up personal development books, feeling inspired by somebody else, when all along we could have instilled this in them much earlier. Imagine how much heartache and headache and. And hurt we're saving our kids by helping them have this mindset. Now you know what it's like. You know what it's like. So when you catch yourself using the word can't, I want you to remember that you are instilling a mindset. Is that the mindset you want to instill, or is there a way you can replace can't with can? There is a way. I have been practicing this very intentionally for a long time now. For a long time. And I have found that I am able to replace the word can't and no and don't. Whenever I choose to really intentionally focus on it and pause to allow myself to observe the circumstances and know the mentality I do want to instill in my kids, I am able to replace it every single time. Do I still catch those words coming out of my mouth on occasion? Yes, absolutely. This isn't an all or nothing mentality. I don't need to be perfect. I just need to know what's possible. I'm going after what's possible. If I know it's freaking possible, I'm going after it. And it is possible for us to use can. It's possible for us to tell our kids what to do. And yes, it's possible for us to use that more often. So we're starting with can't. We're starting with can't. Because I know there are times that we believe we genuinely need to tell our kids no. So we're going to get to that. We're going to get to that. Let's start with can't. Because when you really think about it, how often do you truly need to tell your kids that they can't do something compared to telling them what they can do and informing them as to why this choice is dangerous. This action is hurtful. You can't do that. Hey, that's really hurtful. Here's what you can do. See, there's so many more words that we can use that do not instill limiting beliefs and an I can't attitude and mindset in our kids. We can still inform them and inspire them with a new vision. Inform them what you're doing is dangerous. I flat out tell my kids that's a bad choice. We read the Dani books. I don't know if you guys have heard of those. I can share about those some more, too. I love the Danny books. What should Danny Do? And there's what should Darla Do? They're super cute. The authors of the books are actually exceptional people. I've had a few conversations with them. Really phenomenal. And my point in that is I love those books because they talk about choices. We talk about choices. It's okay to say that's a good choice and that's a bad choice. You make bad choices and bad things follow naturally. That's our kids get to learn those natural consequences just by looking at their own freaking choices. So I flat out tell my kids that's a bad choice. Can you show me a good choice? And I will ask them, are you making good choices or bad choices? And I let them reflect on what they are doing, the behavior that they are showing, and they can figure it out for themselves. What is the good choice to make here? You tell me. It's in you. I know you have the answers. And I can more coach and guide and challenge rather than persecuting them or going after it and trying to rescue them from their choices. I'm going to let them figure it out. So I believe that we can help our kids see the difference between good and bad choices. I think that's a great thing to teach them personally. That's where I'm at right now in parenting. And I love those stinking Danny books so much because they help. They help my kids observe what it's like for someone else to make those bad choices or good choices and what follows when they make those choices. And it's all just in a book and we get to read it together. So I do love those books. And my point in all of this is you can use can more truly for one day, challenge yourself to replace the word can't with can when you want to say you can't have a popsicle and your kids are like, can I please have a popsicle? You can't have a popsicle. Ooh a popsicle. Sounds delicious. We can have a popsicle on Friday right now. Would you like a banana, an apple, a fruit snack, a juice, a water, whatever other option you want to give your kids, Right? There's a way for us to validate what they want, inform them, like, that's something that we have after dinner. That's something that we have after lunch. That's something that we do on Fridays. Like, when my kids ask, can we watch a movie? Can we watch a movie? Can we watch a movie? I told you guys, I made this big shift in my home that we watch a movie on Fridays. That is just the expectation in the home now. We watch a movie on Fridays. And when I was trying to instill that, it felt like a calm, constant ask, can we watch a movie? Instead of saying, you can't watch a movie. You can't do that. You can't do that. You can't do that. I just said, you can watch a movie on Friday. What would you like to do right now instead? You can watch a movie on Friday. You can have a popsicle after lunch. We can go to the park on Sunday. And maybe you're like, tessa, what if we're not having popsicles and watching movies and going to the park? What if it's just not on the calendar? I don't have that date to promise them and the time to commit. Commit to it. What then? How do I steer clear of can't? In that moment, my friend, you can still validate what they want. I hear you that you really want to go to the park, because it sounds like so much fun. I want to have fun with you right now. What can we do right now that would be just as fun as the park? Yes, we can go jump on the trampoline. See how we can kind of, like, guide our kids to what they want within the means of what we can genuinely give in that moment and what we can genuinely commit to. And we still haven't instilled this I can't mentality. We haven't instilled limiting beliefs. We have validated. You want to play, you want to be outside. You want to get moving. You want to climb. I love that. Where do you think we could climb in the house? How do you think we could spend some time outside at our house? How can we be outside? How can we play in the grass? How can we run and jump around and skip and hop at our house and have that conversation about what we can do? And in that. I mean, there's so much collaboration going on within the family, there's so much communication and common ground and teamwork. You will feel so much better than just shutting it down with an I can't. Because in part of our mind we're like, oh, but it's just so much easier to say no, you can't. Is it though? Is that easier? Is instilling limiting beliefs easier? Is allowing your mind to honestly be lazy with language easier on you, on them, on anybody? No, it's not. Because the consequences, the weight of that is so heavy, it's so destructive. And the way that it influences our life and our kids life following that is so hard. It's so hard. So if any part of your mind is like, oh my gosh, it would just be so much easier if I could just say no or you can't do that, or don't do that, and they would just listen, Think about it. In the long run, is it really easier in their life if they just took direction from everyone else and they needed everyone else to tell them what they can and can't do and what they can and can't have and who they can and can't be and what is and is not possible? Don't we want our kids to ask questions? Don't we want our kids to speak their desires? And gosh dang it, I think we're at a point in time in their lives that we should be protecting their willingness to let us know what they want and what they need. I know a lot of adults, and myself included, that have been through this where we just feel like we can no longer experience, express what we really want and what we really need. And I think that comes a lot back to constant being told, no, you can't do this, don't do that, you can't have that, you can't be this. And eventually, when our needs are dismissed long enough and our desires are dismissed long enough, why even communicate them? Why even ask to go to the park if you just think your mom's going to say no? That's what I've really noticed in motherhood, is that I want to say yes as often as possible because I just want to know what my kids want. And I really believe that. The more I say yes, the more I say can, the more I say do, the more I say be. The more I use those words, the more they'll tell me what they want. Because they believe in me. They believe in me to listen, they believe in me to work with them. Even if we're not going to the park right Then I see you want to play, you want to climb, you want to get out, you want to be outside. All right, here's what we can do. If this is what you want, this is what we can do. This is what I have the capacity to give right now. And I've just, yeah, my kids are five and three and 11 months. And in that amount of time, my five years of now having babies Earthside and being in this position as a mother, I, I really, I'm thinking about it. I'm really thinking about it. And there, there hasn't been a time that me working with them and providing what we can do and the options that are available and giving my kids intentional language didn't feel like enough. I, I, it's been enough. It's been enough. Even if I didn't buy the specific thing or go to the specific place or, you know, take this all day, all week, all month thing, it's been enough for me to just let them know what I can do and work with that and communicate in that way. So I hope you're feeling inspired. I hope your heart is feeling lit up like, yes, I can do this. I can replace can't with can. That's all you're doing here. You're listening to what it is that they're asking for. And instead of just shutting it down with, you can't do that. And don't even go to, we can't do that, but we can do this. Just skip that part. Skip that part. Go straight to we can do this. Validate the first part. I hear that you really want to go to the park. Today is a day to stay home. We can go jump on the trampoline in the backyard. We can do hopscotch in the front yard. We can go for a bike ride. We can walk around the neighborhood. We can go roll in grass together. Like, what do you want to do here? Sure. Today is a day to stay home. Do that, listen, validate, and let them know what we can do. And that can, can be in your capacity, communicate that. So leave out the freaking. But I know you really want to do that, but we don't have the money. But Mommy doesn't have time for that right now. But your neighbor, your friends aren't home, but Daddy's still at work. Leave out the butt. Leave out the but seriously, go listen to the past episodes. Be inspired about the fixed mentality. Keep your butt out of it. But there are other ways. There are other ways to communicate. And I hope that I can get a whole Lot freaking better at communicating that with you and teaching that to you and coaching you through it. That's a huge goal for me, is just to get better at it so you can feel like you can learn it and do it faster. And I'm working on it. I hope you can see that I'm working on that and we can do it. So for one whole day, I just want you to be able to challenge yourself to replace the word can't with can as often and as frequently as possible. And know that that doesn't mean that you're just doing everything that your child ever wants you to do. And they're the ones in control. You are the one that gets to control you. And you can still operate within your capacity. And I promise you that if you just meet yourself where you're at, your capacity will grow. If you use can more, your capacity will grow. It will get so much easier to naturally just share can. I have to tell you guys, it gets so much easier if you're just willing to practice. That's what I want you to know. It gets easier as you're willing to practice. Just like any other muscle, your brain needs practice. It needs conditioning. It needs mental rehearsal. It needs opportunities to put it into practice so that you can understand how this works. And I'm telling you, your kids give you 300 opportunities a day. At least. At least 300 opportunities a day. Now you have thousands of opportunities in a week. Great. Great. Let's take it so for one full day notice, when you use the word can't, it's okay if it leaves your mouth. It's okay to let your kids know. I'd like to try that again. Hey, I think I found a way that I could actually use the word can. I'm going to try again. Do that. Do that. And expect yourself. This is the last thing I really want to cover here. Expect yourself to. To need a pause as you are just beginning this. I've been doing this for a really long time. And there are still times that I am silent as I am processing and figuring out how do I form my response with a can? What can they do right now? How do I validate them right now? And I force my mind to give me the answer I want before I allow a word to leave my mouth. And that's just discipline. That's just discipline. I'm the one that gets to decide what I speak over my children, what I speak over my husband. It's me. And they can do and say and think whatever the frick they're gonna do say and think, and I can still control me. So it's that discipline that we're building up. And building that discipline comes from your willingness to just pause, to hold space for silence while you actually think about what you wanna say next. It's all right to pause. Let it be five seconds of silence, ten seconds of silence. Let them know, let me think about that. They ask you a question, can we watch a movie? Let me think about that. Take your time. Take your time. Remember, time is tied for first. The best gift that we could give our kids, modeling what it looks like to take your time and is also a part of that gift. Silence is a gift. Silence is empowerment. If your mind feels extremely uncomfortable in silence, there's a reason. There is a reason. Silence is a good thing. Taking your time is a good thing. Setting that example, modeling that behavior of what it looks like to process before you respond is a good thing. So that's what you're going to expect. You're going to expect yourself to know. Need a few seconds. Take a few seconds. Think about it. What can we do? How can I validate? What can I offer? Here's what he wants. What can I provide? What can I give? Man, this is going to be so good. And I'm excited to hear about your progress. Remember, just challenge yourself for one day. And one day can turn into two, three, four. Now you're into a week, seven days. Before you know it, we're 30 days in, we're in a month, we're in 100 days. We filled a year intentionally focusing on replacing the word can't. It can still come out of your mouth. It can still be in a thought, it can still be in a sentence that you shared. We're just building awareness. And the more awareness you have around it, the more likely you are to catch it and correct it faster and faster and faster. And then you're correcting it in your head before it even leaves your mouth. You've got this. I know you can do it. And I promise you it will make a huge difference in your mindset and your child's, and maybe even inspire your spouse of new ways to start communicating? Wouldn't you love that? Wouldn't you love to know that the way your kids say, I can do this came from you? And the way your spouse said, today's the day to stay home. We can go jump on the trampoline came from you? Wouldn't you love that? I would love it for you. So I'm cheering you on. I'M inspired by you and I'm just excited to keep on showing up together. This was the episode covering can't come back soon and we're going to talk through no and don't. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.