62. Share What You DO Want & Lead The Change In Your Home

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Welcome, friends. Today we are talking about replacing Don't. This is something that I believe will not only help your kids build a better mindset, it will also drastically change your own mindset. Because we often use this with ourselves when trying to correct our views on life and our behavior and our feelings by telling ourselves, don't do that. Don't feel that way. Don't do those things. Don't say that. Don't sleep in anymore. Don't stay up late. Like, we try to use don't as a way to influence change and instill hope. And it would make a lot of sense if that has just proven to be ineffective for you. That makes a lot of sense. And today I'm gonna teach you how to approach this very differently. Yes. For your kids and for you. And just a little note at the beginning of this episode. I have something very exciting coming this fall. I'm actually doing something just remarkable right now. Remarkable. I haven't talked much about it. It is coming. And I want you to know that I'm doing this because there's more to this good work that we're doing and this journey that we're on than. Than just mindset. And mindset is a massive piece of this because really, if we are going to take the road of change and really change our behaviors, change our perspective, change the way we're feeling, and see the change that we want to see in our life. If we're going to do that, we first have to believe and have a thought that says, maybe this could work for me. And that's mindset. So mindset is still heavily involved in this, and so is your emotions and emotional regulation and emotional intelligence and our habits. Right. And the way that we build more skills and tools to gain understanding in our life and vision casting and all of the things that come and get us out of the victim mentality. Like, there are so many skills and tools that we can have to regulate our nervous system. So I hope that you believe in this work just as much as I do, and with that, you understand just as much As I do that there are more tools than just mindset. Okay. Circumstances can be insanely difficult, and we can get hit with the unexpected. And that's when having more healthy ways of coping comes in. And that's. That's more than mindset. Emotional regulation is more than mindset, and they work fabulous together. So I want you to have a great mindset and coping strategies and emotional regulation and an understanding of behaviors. Right. More knowledge. So. So if you're ever feeling like, I can't just mindset my way out of this, first of all, this isn't about if you can or can't. You do need a thought that says, I can do this, I can try, I can start. And that's when language comes in so powerful. And I love a good play on words. I love helping you see what is possible and where you can start so that you can learn new coping strategies. If you just think, you know, I'm just going to sit here and only think differently and let everything else stay the same. Keep the same habits, the same behaviors, let my kids do the same things, keep the same routine routines in my house, you know, continue staying up this late sleeping it. If I just keep doing the same things and only try to think differently. You're right that it's completely bizarre and ineffective. We try to think differently so that we can be differently in our life, Truly have a greater vision of what's possible, seek out solutions and actually pursue that. Not just see, seek them out and say, like, oh, I guess maybe I could do that. Truly pursue them and implement them in our life. We start with mindset, and there's so much more to build on from there. And I'm just. I feel so passionate about this and excited because this is something I've been wanting to bring into my work, and I've been trying to figure out how to do it, and I finally have figured that out, and it's coming this fall, and I think you are truly gonna love it. It's an amazing compliment to what we're doing here, and it will be. I will give you a little sneak peek. Emotions focused, Regulating the nervous system and trauma informed. And I am just over the moon about it. So today's episode, we are focusing on replacing the word don't. How often are you telling your kids, don't do that. Don't color on the walls, don't jump on that. Don't go outside, don't get out of your bed. Don't dump that out. Don't hit your brother. Okay? We say it to our kids all the time, right? And how often are we telling our spouse, don't forget to run that errand. Don't forget to call the doctor or don't forget to pick up that package. Don't forget to order the extra key. Don't expect me to be in the mood at night if we haven't spent time together in the day. Don't, don't, don't, don't. Right? So many don'ts. And beyond that, right? We say it to our kids, we say it to our spouse, we're saying it to ourselves. Don't miss your alarm. Don't forget to make the appointment. Don't forget to take the kids. Don't forget to, you know, send your friend the text on their birthday. Don't let yourself yell. Don't yell anymore. Don't hit, don't. All these things. I even don't give up, right? We say don't give up. Don't quit. Imagine that the word don't was not there. Your mind does not. I'm telling you guys, your mind will do a much better service for you if you tell it what to do. You will see that your child's mind does a much better job at comprehending what exactly you are saying and what you want them to do. If you use the do language, tell them what to do. Clarity, instilling a clear vision of what you'd like them to do. And I talked about this on the last episode and I'll mention a bit here too. You can provide information. Hitting hurts. Use soft hands. That's what I want you to do. I've provided information. Hitting hurts. I've not, I have not said hitting does not, you know, or hitting, you know, whatever. Hitting does not something imagine your kids just are not comprehending that part of it. We want to provide the information that helps them make more informed choices. Kids do what they know how to do. They know what they know until they learn more. And the same thing with us. We do what we know how to do, our spouse does what they know how to do. And we're operating based off of the information that we have. And even when we get more information, what's stopping us from really taking action is a dysregulated nervous system and a complete out of align set out of alignment vision for, for our life. Like our identity is still in a place that believes, well, I'm just not someone that would do that. And whether you are aware of it or not, it is there. We all have an identity and that's Why I love this work so much because we get into the identity and the thoughts that are causing these feelings. And when we really attach to beliefs, you better believe that's where our actions are going to go, too. So if we choose, and this is a choice that you make very consciously, if you consciously make this choice to change your language to be clear and focusing on what you do want, it will create massive change. Okay, so let's say your kids are hitting. We provide some information, inform them hitting hurts. And then what do we want them to do? Use soft hands. Go hit a pillow. You can shake your hands. You can shake your hands out so much when you. You feel like you want to hit. And we know that hitting hurts, so let's shake our hands out so much instead. And there, there's. So, I mean, you're the mom, right? Teach them what aligns with you in your home. You. You know them. And I want you to be able to feel empowered to say, you know, I can change the tone in my home. I can change the energy. I can change the expectations of what we do when we feel angry. Because right now the expectation is hitting. So let's change that around. And that's going to come from providing a clear vision of what to do instead of telling your spouse, don't forget to pick up milk on your way home. Text a friendly reminder. Hey, just a friendly reminder. Can you please get milk on the way home? Clear vision. This is what I'm going to do. I'm going to get milk on the way home instead of don't forget. Imagine the word don't wasn't there. What do we have? Forget to get milk on the way home. And how often do you notice yourself doing that? How often do you notice yourself doing the exact thing that you told yourself not to do? Do not yell anymore. Tessa, Come on, get it together. You know, you try shaming yourself. You try blaming yourself. None of those strategies are effective. And you're healing and growth. You know, we're learning, though, and we tell ourselves, don't yell anymore. And what do we. What do we hear? We just hear, yell like, I'm not going to yell anymore. What. What did we gather from that? I'm going to yell more. Telling ourselves not to do something is. It's a little bit ridiculous because our mind creates visions. We cast visions. We do it all the time. So really, what vision have you given your mind? Even if you. Let's say you think you know, Tessa, I feel like telling my kids, do not do that is effective. Great. What are they supposed to do instead? You think telling your spouse it is effective to tell them? Don't expect me to be in the mood at night if you haven't spent time with me all day. All right, so just given that information, what do you expect your spouse to do instead? What does spending time with you mean? What does that look like? What do you really want your spouse to do when they're spending time with you? How do you want them to display affection and attention towards you? Instead of telling people and ourselves and focusing so much on what we don't want, Our lives would change if we focused on what we do want. Here's what I do want to see in our marriage. Here's how I do want to be treated. Here's what I do want to see you do for your brother. Here's what I do freaking want. What? What? Why not talk more about what you want? What you want? Maybe that's not the way you were raised that's so valid. And there's a lot of healing work to be done there so that we're not repeating history, right? We're not doing those same things and continuing those generational cycles that are truly so flipping hurtful. You are already carrying the weight of this. Do you really want to pass it down or do you want to heal it? We can transform it or we can transcend it. We got to choose. Are we going to give it or are we going to change it? Change it. Do the healing work. And there's so many ways to go about this healing work, and that's a great thing. So find the one that works best for you. I offer coaching one on one and in groups courses. I have my podcast here. I have some reels out for you. I do a lot of that stuff. And there's other. There's other healing modalities provided in books all over the place and courses all over the place. And for you, you just have to decide that it's worth it. It's worth the time, it's worth the energy, it's worth the effort, even when you don't feel motivated, even when the feelings of inspiration have gone past a little bit. And now we're just sitting with. There's some discipline that's required and there's some vision that I'm going to really need to lean into. And that's why our daily journaling practice is so freaking important, because your mind needs to be constantly reminded of who you really are. Because there's a lot of programming, there's a. There's a big, big, big influence that is against you in a lot of ways. And until we reprogram that and rewire it and recondition, that's just the way that it is. We're going to need to instill new beliefs. I'm 28 years old, and I've really only saw myself as this person for the past four years. So I'm up again. What's. What number's greater, 24 years or four years? Yes. I've done a lot of good work in four years, and there's still a lot for me to heal and uncover in those past 24 years. And simply the act of moving forward and the art of crafting who I want to be and how I want to show up has shown me I don't even need to go looking for it. It's there. It's just the work shows me what to work on next. And when you get into this work, you will notice the same thing. So what I want you to do with your kids is share a clear vision of what you want them to do. Try it for one day. Really challenge yourself to withhold the word don't from your spouse, from your kids, from really anyone that you're communicating with, especially your. Withhold the word don't and replace it, even if it means you pause. It's. It's. I think I shared this in the last episode recently. Liam told me, you are taking forever. You're taking forever. And I. You know, I was sitting there and I was doing something that I really cared about, and he said, you're taking forever. And it wasn't even a work thing. Um, I. I wasn't working. I wasn't on my phone. I. I think I was writing something. And he goes, you're taking forever. And I slowly look up at him and I pondered those words. And it was probably a good 20 seconds that I sat with what he said. And I just looked at him, and I wasn't looking at him in a form of judgment or criticism or anything like that. I was looking at him in a form of just considering, like, really interested in what he said. And I came back with, I'm taking my time because this matters so much to me, and I want to feel proud of the way that I'm doing it. And I felt so freaking proud of that response. I was like, heck, yes, I am. And I was like, now I'm gonna start making some real mindset swaps of how we respond to our kids when they say things like, you're taking forever. And this is so unfair. And you know, the language that they use, I think that'd be a fun spin on the mindset stuff that I share over on Instagram at Tessaramiro. Underscore, if you're not familiar there. And instead of telling him, don't say that to me, please say that to me so that I can change your mindset about people taking their time. Because people taking their time, people pausing and moments of silence are really good things. And if I just tell my kids, don't say that, then I miss out on the opportunity to teach them, and so do you. If we just tell our kids, don't do that. We miss out on the opportunity to teach them what to do. If we tell them, don't say that, we miss out on the opportunity of really hearing what they're thinking and what's going on with them and what they, you know, what they think about these circumstances and what's going on and. And. And instilling a new, enlightened perspective in them that could really change their life down the road. I mean, truly, if I can instill in my kids right now that it's okay to take your time and just really, I mean, it's going to take a lot of repetition, right? So is everything else that we teach them. So I might as well just repeat that over and over. I would feel so good about them being comfortable in moments of silence and people taking their time to consider a response. And honestly, them being the people that take their time and consider the way that they want to do something so that they are proud of it. And we can do that. You can do that. You. You can. It's going to come from modeling it. And it's. It's so beautiful when we open that door of just meeting our kids right where they're at and then sharing a vision with them, sharing some information. Right? Hitting hurts and fire is dangerous, and that could burn you or just all the things, right? We want to keep our kids safe, so just imagine something that your kids did, and we want to keep them safe. So instead of don't do that, it's, here's how you do it. Here's how you do it. Share some information. If that is dangerous, if they could get hurt doing it that way, let's try it this way instead. Share that information and then share what you do want them to do. Go. And I do this with drew. Drew's only 11 months old. Instead of telling him, don't go down the stairs, here's how you go down the Stairs. Here's how you get down. Oh, we got a turn. On your belly. On your belly. Feet first, feet first. And I keep it super simple. Obviously, he's 11 months old, and I'm keeping it simple for him. And then with Liam, I. I can put a little bit more explanation into things because he's genuinely curious and wants to know. And same with Luke. He's three years old, and instead of it just being. Don't, you know, don't throw the screwdriver. Here's what you do with a screwdriver. Here's a screw. And we screw it in, and we screw it out. That is what a screwdriver does. So a screwdriver stays in the drawer until we are unscrewing something or we're using it to fix something. Like, let me provide information for you, buddy. Here's what you can do instead. If you really want to throw something, let's go pick up that ball. This is what we can do. And when we put that new vision into our child's mind, it's amazing how willing they are to latch onto it because they're still so creative. They have such a large imagination, and we can work with that more and allow their imagination to. To work with us when we share those helpful visions and more information. And the same thing with your spouse. Right? Create the clear vision of. Here's what I would like to see happen with our intimacy and our nighttime routine. Instead of, don't be on your phone so much. Hey, I'm really wanting to spend more time together. You could even say I've noticed that I've been on my phone a lot, and I want to make sure that I'm giving you the best of me when you get home, because I miss you, and I want to spend time with you. So the way I'm envisioning this happening is when you get home, I'm gonna put my phone on the counter, and I'm gonna be very engaged with you. Do you like? Let's just see what happens from there. When we step into a scenario in a circumstance that we don't love and we choose to focus on ourselves and what we're gonna do about it and how we're gonna show up the behavior, we're gonna demonstrate the ownership. We're gonna take. What happens. I. I would be really interested to see what happens with you. I know what happens with me, and I want you to go. I want you to go practice that and find out for yourself. So we are now focusing for one day on withholding the word don't from ourselves, our kids, our spouse, anyone for one day. And intentionally sharing what we do want. You can share information, or you can just focus on the vision. Right? I. I can just tell. Drew. On your belly. Belly on your belly, feet first. And I can share the vision with Liam and Luke. Here's how we can do this. Kindly. Let's jump on the trampoline together. Luki, you wait on the side. Liam, it's your turn to do a trick. Okay, now it's Lukey's turn to do a trick. Okay, now it's mommy's turn to do a trick. And we stay safe when we wait on the side of the trampoline. Here's how you can water the flowers. Don't turn on the hose. You know, what's. What's. What's wrong with the hoes? Come on. I think this. This really does go back to the whole idea of how often we're saying no. And do we really need to say no that often, or are we doing it out of convenience for ourselves at times? No is. It's an important word for our kids to learn for sure. And I just. I would be really curious what happens in the world when we raise kids that are. They have an open mind and an abundant mindset, and they. They are curious and they want more information before deciding a yes or a no. And they do see themselves as worthy and valuable of communicating their perspectives, their needs, their wants, their desires. And when we hold space for all of that. No, we'll still be around. We'll still be saying no. Okay, we will. And maybe that word will come out when things are truly dangerous in that moment. And no is. It's held for a very intentional and purposeful circumstance. And the hose is something that. Yes, we use that to water the flowers. Oh, yeah, you're right. Let's have a water fight. That sounds like a lot of fun. Instead of keeping the hose on the whole time, let's just fill up a bucket. Let's fill up the kiddie pool. Let's do something that the hose fills up the water that you can play with. I love that. And there's. When you're willing to look, there are solutions. When you're willing to see them. There are opportunities. Every single day. There are opportunities, there are solutions, and our relationships can become much more purposeful, meaningful, and close when we choose to share what we do want instead of what we don't. So replace don't with do. Share that vision. Provide information when needed, and lead by example, instead of telling your spouse, don't get on your phone on Sunday or don't say that to the kids, here's what I would love to see. This is my vision for our family. What's your vision? Get curious, girlfriend. You. You really do set the tone and you lead the energy in a really big way and everyone's listening to you. So since they're all listening to us anyway, let's start modeling language and behavior that we feel really, really proud of. And again this fall, I've got some really fun, amazing things coming that I feel so excited about that's going to focus more on trauma, informed emotional regulation and regulating the nervous system and bringing that work into the fabulous mindset work and identity work. And what we've been focusing on here with our skills and tools, we're bringing more to the party coming real soon. So I'm grateful that you're here. I'm grateful for the brand that we're creating, the mission that we're serving, and the way that we get to help one another on this motherhood journey to know that we really can thrive and we really can be the mothers that we want to be. And you deserve it. You've already been through a lot in your life and I really think that now is the time that you really deserve to see yourself as who you want to be and do the things that you want to be, do and feel, feel the way that you want to feel. It's all within you. I believe in you and I promise you that I will keep showing up for you and alongside you. Love you dearly. I'll talk to you soon. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.