64. Which Child Is Your "Hard One?" Here's How You Can Change That Today!

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment podcast. I'm your host, Tessa Romero, and also your coach. I'm here to teach you powerful skills and tools to not only know who you are, but how to become exactly who you want to be with a mindset that finally supports you. I'm so grateful that you're here. Let's get started. Welcome back, my dear friends. I'm so excited to dive into this episode because it is something that two of my one on one clients we're having a hard time with right now. And I was just thinking if I talk with both of them this week about the same dang thing, I bet there's someone else out here that could really benefit from us talking about this too. So I want to bring it to your attention and I really gentle, gentle and empowering way so that you can understand that there is something that you can do about this. And mindset plays a heavy, heavy role in this. Your thoughts are so powerful and they are truly telling your eyes what to look for. So. So let's bring this whole thing into what we're going to be talking about today. I have two one on one clients that have similar situations right now. They both have three kids, and they both told me in a recent week that they were feeling a little bit disconnected from their oldest. And they felt very emotional telling me this. They were crying on our session together saying, you know, I want to feel connected with them. And I just feel so disconnected, kind of detached and just very like judgmental of my oldest. It's just that. And then they would go on to tell me how their oldest is the hard one. And they both mentioned it that way. She is my hard one. He is my hard one. And as I was listening to that, it brought me back to the connection with identity, who we say and who we believe people are, ourselves and the other people in our life. And I've done several episodes on identity. Identity is truly foundational and especially in steering your mindset. And it's not just about I am statements. It's about you are statements. He is, she is. All of that matters. And it's influencing your mindset as a whole. So as they were telling me this, my mind is clicking back to identity, like, oh, he is my hard one. She is my hard one. Okay. And then they both have three kids. So I ask them, well, tell me about your other two. How. How are they? Are they your hard ones too? Would you say they're like, how would you describe them? And they said that their Youngest, I'm now I'm going to just talk in relation to one so I can just say that part. She said that her youngest is her easy one. And she said, because she's my baby, she's my baby. I know that she's doing the best she can and it's not her fault if she's having a hard time. This is all new and this is, this can be really difficult for her. And I just have so much more compassion and patience for her because she is my baby. Listen to that difference. Did you catch that? Compared to the oldest being my hard one and the baby being my baby. She is my easy one because she is my baby. Whereas the heart, the oldest, well, she is my hard one. And I know that we are in different circumstances, right? And you may have one child or eight children, 10 children. Wherever you're at. I just want you to use this episode as an opportunity to really reflect on who you are saying. Even if you never say this to your child, even if you're never saying, well, you are my hard one or you are my easy one, even if you never say that, it is in your mind and it is influencing you. So we want to be like hyper aware and hyper focused on where we are allowing our mind to go. Because truly we're giving our mind permission to go to these places. To label our kids as hard or easy is our choice. It does not matter what our kids do, we still get to decide what we think about them. Is it always easy to think something good when we're witnessing something bad? No, I would say that's very difficult to do and it's still worth it because our eyes see what our mind is looking for. If our mind is looking for an unmet meet an unmet need within our children, then we can best shift gears in our mind to, to focus on that compassion and patience and problem solving with them rather than thinking, well, this is just who you are. You are my hard one. So going back to this client, she mentioned that about her oldest and then I asked, okay, well what about your, your middle? How would you refer to your middle? Oh, well, she's just my sweet one. So we have the hard one as the oldest, my sweet one as the middle, and my baby as, as the youngest. And she has so much more compassion and patience for the middle and the youngest compared to the oldest. This is not because they are easier, quote unquote kids. That's not why it is this way. And if you, let's use this example, you have 1, 2, 3, more kids. However you decide to label your kids, regardless if you speak this to them or not, it's not just about how this is affecting our kids. It's mostly about how it's affecting you. Because if we look at how you're affecting yourself, we will be able to learn so much about what our kids are picking up around us. Because regardless if we say something or not, people can feel our energy. They can pick up on what we're thinking, if we want to be in that room or not, if we want them to be around us or not. It's just like when you go to someone else's house and you kind of just get this feeling as, wow, I don't feel, like, very welcomed here. I don't feel like anyone's really interested in me here. You get these feelings because you're picking up on their energy, and their energy is coming from what they are thinking about. So this is. This episode's entirely focused on you. Even if your kids throw things down, they hit their sibling, they spill things, they break things, they do the exact opposite of that which you ask them to do. That's not what this is about. It's simply about what you're choosing to think about your kids. Because with this client, her baby is not sleeping through the night. The baby's waking up several times in the night. The baby wants her to be in the room until she is absolutely asleep. These aren't easy things. It's not like, oh, I lay the baby down, she goes to sleep, she sleeps all night. And she just says, mama, Mama, where are you? When she wakes up in the morning? And it's all just so, so easy. No, that's not what it is. All she specifically said. I just have so much more compassion and patience for her because I just feel like she's so little and there's so much that's new to her, and this has to be really hard for her. So her mindset about the baby. She's my baby. Changes what she sees in this baby. It does not change the baby's behavior. It changes what she thinks about it. And we think about the middle one. Well, she's my sweet one. Okay. Do we really think that all toddlers are sweet 100% of the time? No, it's. We are looking for that more than the times that they are not getting along with their sibling or their just focusing, you know, on an activity. More like we. We are conditioning our mind to look for how our middle is the sweet one. What is she doing? That's so sweet. Oh, she asked to brush my hair and she always wants to do what I'm doing. And she comes and tells me about her day more openly. Like, we're looking for all these things. And that child. That child still has difficult behavior. It's just our thoughts about it are different. Now let's think about the oldest one. Well, she's my hard one. Why is she your hard one? Now you're just telling me negative things, negative characteristics, negative behaviors, negative tendencies, negative patterns that you've noticed and all of the things that have been bothering you, which you did not spend time doing when you told me about your middle child and your baby. Why? Well, because she's my baby and she's my sweet one. And now I'm getting to talking about my hard one. So I'm going to tell you all the hard things about this child. Not because. Not because they honestly have any more difficult habits, tendencies, behaviors and patterns than the other two. It's just we're focusing on it so much more. Maybe, maybe your oldest really does have a harder time than your youngest. In your middle, you could also think differently about that. Remember, your child's behavior does not decide what you think about them. You do. And how you choose to label your child, that's like the emphasis of this episode. And how you choose to label your child is going to determine what you're looking for in them because your eyes see what your mind looks for. If we say the oldest is the hard one, or maybe the baby is the hard one and the middle is the baby and the oldest is the sweet one, however you do this, I want you to really recognize in which child am I saying is my hard one? My difficult one. We hear this all the time, and it's so worth focusing on and really dissecting to figure out. How is that affecting me when I choose to label my kids that way? How is it affecting me? And when it affects me like this, how am I affecting them? So we're labeling them as hard or easy, and it's telling your mind what to look for. Even if you never say it to them. You don't have to tell your child you are the hard one for your mind to be conditioned to look for. What makes them the hard one? When there are good qualities to look for in your kids, there are good things to see in them and ways to praise them and validate them and accept them. It's just, are we willing to spend time doing that? So maybe your hard one you've noticed is you just experience More challenge with them, be it because they crave independence. Liam is my oldest. He's five. He definitely craves independence. And on the days that he didn't get much opportunity at independence, especially outside the home, then I noticed, like, just different behavior coming from him, where he's, like, really just, like, wrestling, and I'm, like, moving this body. My body, trying to describe this, but it's like he's wrestling within himself. He's wrestling me just to try and prove he can do it. Is. Is the way that I view it. So I intentionally try to create opportunities for Liam to have independence because it makes a big difference in him. The other day, we were at Costco, and I. We walked down one aisle, and then I changed my mind, and I was like, oh, man, I actually would like to get that thing. And I was on the other side of the aisle now, so in the aisle right next to it, and I looked at Liam, and I said, hey, buddy, do you remember seeing the mangoes on that other aisle right next to us? He goes, yeah, mom. I was like, okay, can you walk back over there and get me a bag of mangoes? And he. Oh, man, did he eat that up? He was like, yeah, yeah, I could do that. And all by himself. I had a little peek at him, like, every few feet, just between, like, the things in the Costco aisles. And, you know, I felt a little bit nervous giving him that job. Like, man, does he really remember where it's at? Is that too far? Is it okay? And it's one aisle over. Like, seriously, he's just freaking fine. And it was. It was beautiful to see how giving him that opportunity to try led to that fe. That. That fulfillment of independence with him. And honestly, more trust within me, because he knew. He knew he went exactly there. He did not stray from the path. He did the exact thing that I asked him to do, and he came right back, and I was just, like, blown away. I loved seeing, like, wow, you really remember and you pay attention. Giving him that opportunity gave me 10 times more good things to see in him that he's so observant. He really does remember where he's going, and he's taking mental note of things. He has these little markers in place, like, he can remember where things are at, and I can trust him. And all of this narrative in my mind that followed giving him that opportunity. Granted, there were some, like, limiting thoughts in the beginning, and I decided to overwork those. Right. And give Liam the opportunity. Anyway. It brought so much more good language about it, and I personally think that with Liam, I do experience just opportunities of learning and growth is what I choose to view it as. And I do that in my journaling a lot. While I write down something like, I choose to view challenges and hardships as opportunities of learning and growth. So that way, anytime. And I've been writing that. That phrase out for years, I view challenges and hardships. It's opportunities of learning and growth. And writing that out for so long has truly conditioned my mind to understand that even if I experience a challenge or I see something as a hardship, my mind instantly goes to this place of, like, opportunity of learning, growth. Opportunity of learning, growth. And it's very natural to ask myself, what am I supposed to learn right now? And how am I supposed to grow if I'm experiencing challenges and hardships? That's what my mind is conditioned to link it to. Okay. And you can do that, too. Take the thing that you typically struggle with and link it to something new. It's going to take a ton of repetition. It's going to take a lot of practice to implement it, and it will make a tremendous difference in your life. It is insane how much our life changes, when our mind changes, when what we think about life changes, and our circumstances can remain exactly the same and. And you can feel completely different, which I just think is such a gift. So with Liam, I do feel I experience the most opportunity of learning and growth because he's doing things first. He always has. He's the first to push boundaries. He's the first to crave that level of independence. He's the first to tell me, no, I'd rather stay back. He's the first to ask me if he can ride to a friend's house. He's the first to want snacks before bed. Like he. He does everything first because he's the oldest. So there's so much for me to learn with and through him compared to my other two, which they're doing a lot of what Liam's already done, and I feel prepared for it because I've already experienced it. So maybe with your oldest, you're like, man, that's my hard one. Yeah. Because they're showing you your opportunities of learning and growth. Isn't that a good thing? Isn't that so exceptional that we have someone in our life that we can truly depend on to show us our opportunities of learning and growth every single day? Talk about an accountability partner. Talk about a coach in your life. Your kids. Your kids can be your accountability partner. Your kids can be your coach. If you label them that way. Man, you are my greatest accountability buddy. Imagine if you truly believe that your oldest was your greatest accountability buddy. Your greatest coach in life was your oldest child, rather than being the hard one, the difficult one. Just because you experienced something with your oldest that maybe you did not feel prepared for and. And you're not exactly sure how to navigate it doesn't mean that it's entirely a bad thing or even a bad thing at all. It's just an opportunity of learning and growth. So where you start with this is intentionally choosing how you are going to identify your children, how you're going to label them. We're going to do this anyway, so we might as well be intentional about it. We're going to say, he is, she is, you are. We're going to say those things. So teach your mind to intentionally do it in a way that aligns with the mother that you want to be, how you want to feel, and how you want to show up around them. And it will change the way you feel around them, what you're thinking about them, what behaviors you're looking for in them, and the entire narrative going on about them, it's really, really powerful. So some ideas for you. You are my challenger. You are my coach. You are my accountability buddy. Maybe that is a good one for any of the ones that you experience more challenge with. For whatever reason. Let's change language. You are not my hard one or my difficult one. Okay? So instead of telling your mind this is. I just want to give you an air of caution here. Please refrain from telling your mind they're not my hard one. That is not an affirmation. That is not something that's going to give you the change that you want to see. If you really want to see this change, it needs to be a direct statement of who they are, who they are, not who they are. Not my hard one. Imagine that your mind just ignores the word not. Seriously, then what do we. What are we left with? They are my hard one, and you are not going to experience the change that you want to have. You are not going to reap the benefits of this. So remove the word not. Okay? We want to be very direct with that. You are my challenger. You are my coach. You are my accountability buddy. You are my observer. You are my resourceful one. You are my humorous one. How would you really describe your oldest? You're my independent one. You're my strong one. You are my leader. Ooh, I like that one. You are my leader. You are my courageous one. You are My problem solver. You are my fixer. You are my. I mean, come on, just think about your child for a few minutes. More than the reasons why you feel frustrated around them, think past that. Think past the behaviors that you observe that you don't like. Think past all that. Think past their struggles and really see them for who they are. You are my interested one. You're my kind one. You're my compassionate one. You're my creative one, my adventurous one. And again, these. These don't even have to be things that you ever say to them. You might choose to. It's just. You don't have to. The whole point of this episode, this episode, and emphasizing this into your life and making it a point of. Is to change what your eyes are looking for. If you want to see better behavior in your kids, change who you believe they are. Let them be who they are and just change the way you're labeling them. Let them feel the way they're supposed to feel. Let them do the things they're supposed to do. Let them learn and experience difficulty and hardship and temporary defeat and failure. Let them experience all of that and know who they really are. Because at the end of the day, we all experience challenge, we all experience hardship. We all experience temporary defeat and failure. And what matters most is what we do next. That's what matters most. How do we pick ourselves back up? Who are we choosing to be in this life? How are we choosing to think about people in our circumstances instead of trying to desperately control everything and then just be left with anxiety? Because we don't control most anything outside of ourselves. We only control what we think, say and do. And there's so much power in that place. So I hope that this episode really encouraged you to just evaluate who you're saying your children are and taking complete ownership and accountability of that. Because you are the one that's conditioned your mind to look for these things in your kids. Not your kids. Your kids are just being kids. Who you say they are is what you will look for. Who you say your spouse is is what you'll look for. Who you say your boss is, your mom is, your dad, your in laws, your friends, the person that you say you just can't stand. Whoever it is, whoever you say they are is what you will look for. And if you want to feel better, you got to start looking for better things. And I hope that this episode empowered you to do so and that you're feeling inspired to change the way you are identifying and labeling your kids because. Cause you're doing it anyway, so let's do it intentionally. I'll see you guys real soon. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode. If you enjoyed the podcast, don't forget to subscribe and share it. I love spreading the message of how positivity can come in so beautifully to help you through your journey of self discovery and healing. I'm cheering for you. I believe in you and I'll talk to you really soon.