71. "I am capable" Might Cause More Harm Than Good Right Now! Identity Coaching

My, oh my. It's about dang time that we have done a full episode dedicated to your identity. Now, if it's been a hot minute since you've talked through identity with me, or maybe you've never coached the identity with me, let me give you a little bit of a refresher on what identity is before we dive all in, because I have the most wonderful example to share with you today that we can coach through together. Thank goodness for the summer Mind body alignment group that's going on right now because that's where I got this example from. And it helped them so much on our coaching session last week that I wanted to bring it over here to the podcast so that it has a permanent place to live with everybody. And it's something you can refer back to whenever you feel like your identity needs a little bit of a tune up. Okay, so before we dive into this wonderful example that I have, I want to give you a little refresher on what identity is. Identity is who you believe you are. It's the wonderful ability to accept, approve, and validate yourself. Okay. It's your ability to show up and be who you want to be without fear of judgment or failure. It's where your shame resilience comes from so that you can go out into the world and be who you want to be and not fear. All this talk of mom, shame, and other people not understanding and hiding yourself or fearing what others are going to think, all of that falls away from you because you know who you are. We're not trying to seek who I am from what somebody else thinks, because that's not where it comes from. Identity comes from within you. It's who you believe you are. Now who you believe you are is going to be highly influenced by your life experiences. That's where it's coming from. And that's how mindset works as well. So when it comes to mindset and our identity, experiences come into our mind through life, you're going through stuff. You've got childhood behind you and you've got the present day right here and you've got your future in front of you, right? And you've been through so much. There have been times that you've been traumatized and your care was disrupted and you've been holding on to that. You also have had other times where you're so proud of yourself for the way that you challenged yourself and you have the best memories of your life where maybe it was your dad coming home from work and just the way he pulled his truck up in front of the house has just always stayed with you. And other experiences of maybe cooking with grandparents or scrapbooking with your mom, or dancing in the living room with the sibling, or the way you built forts as kids, we have these experiences and our mind collects them and our mindset is built off of them. Because experience experiences create predictions. Experience experiences come in, predictions go out. And I'm just giving you a really brief overview of this so that we can have a very effective little coaching session together in this episode. So now your identity is also part of that. It's tied into that. And a lot of our identity is shaped as a child who other people said we were. If our, if our parents constantly told us, you, you can't do that, you're incapable, you're lazy, you're such a drag, oh, you're so boring. Anything like that, we hold onto that. And all of those you are statements, which we've talked about a lot on this podcast episode. I'm not on this episode. On the podcast itself, we've talked about that a lot here. Those you are statements, they matter. They, they get internalized as your I am statements and your I am statements are crafting your identity. Every single one of your I am statements matters tremendously. There is not one I am statement that you'll use that will go unnoticed by your subconscious mind. They all matter and we need to start acting like it. So if we really want to see changes in our behavior, if we really want to see changes in our feelings and our outcomes in life, we've got to start by changing what we think. Not just about life, but about ourselves. Who are we? Are we capable of being who we want to be? Are we capable of handling things in a way that we feel very, very proud of? So that when your toddler's whining at your feet as you're making dinner, you pull up a chair rather than pushing them away. Identity makes that difference, right? So once we understand that part, experiences come in, predictions go out, there's a reason why you believe you are this version of you. And if we want to be able to heal that now grow that, we're going to need more tools. And that's what I focus on in the emotional performance coaching that I do and Inside of Mind Body alignment, which is my 12 week course. I recently got certified as an emotional performance coach because it works so hand in hand with mindset coaching. Your nervous system needs to be regulated for mindset and shifts in perspective to get be effective. If your, if your nervous System is not regulated and you are just living in this state of fight orf flight. There's no amount of mindset work that's going to change that. We need to honor the nervous system. And I'm so grateful that this year I've been able to get certified in that and start incorporating it into our work because I know mothers need it. And everything that I can teach you is something you can teach your kids. It's something that you can model and share with your spouse and maybe even your own parents or grandparents or your neighbor, other kids that you meet at the park. I mean, I really believe that every single mother will touch 12 children at least just, just from who, who you're around. If it's nieces and nephews and you know, the, the neighborhood kids, you go to the school function, maybe you went to the library, the park, the grocery store, there's kids everywhere. And I think 12 is wildly underestimating the impact that every single mother can make because there are some mothers that have 12 kids. Right. Like it's, it's really fun to think about how far this work can go when we do it together. So now that we have a little bit of an understanding of when it comes to why it is that we believe we are this person and where our mindset's coming from, where this identity is coming from, let's dive into this coaching example that came up in the Mind Body alignment summer group just last week. And it was wonderful for all of us to remember this part of things. Now I have a client and let's say her name. I'm going to make up a name here. We're going to say that her name is Sarah. Okay? And Sarah has told me a bit about her life and I'm going to share some of this with you for Sarah so that we can have an understanding of why it is that Sarah thinks this way about herself. Now Sarah grew up in a home with wonderful parents that did the best they could and, and it was a little bit traumatizing for her. There was disruptions in care and she never really built up this great self esteem because her mom loving her so much and just wanted to do the best she absolutely can for Sarah, tried to do everything for Sarah. You know, you love them so much. Like I want to do everything for you. Don't worry about that, sweetheart. I'll get it for you. That might be too heavy. That's too hard, that'll be too difficult. Oh, that's way too much work. So her mom really stepped in and did everything. I mean, the details that Sarah has shared really goes in to show, like, wow, Sarah was never really given the opportunity ever since a child, to prove that she can do it. And not just prove it to her parents, but prove it to herself. So given these experiences, Sarah adopted this mentality that she's not good enough. She can't do it. She needs someone else to do it for her. She felt very controlled and very incapable, and that became her identity. I'm incapable, I'm incapable, I'm incapable. And when there ever came a time, now, now she has a couple kids, and she's trying her darndest as a mother to show up the way that she wants to. And in those moments where it feels like the pressure's on and she's safe in her home and there's just those stresses of motherhood that we all show up to, she falls into this, like, freeze cycle because, like, oh, my gosh, this is something that usually everyone else does. For me, I don't know how to do this. And her mind floods in with the thoughts. So before all of that ever happened, though, it was this experience of Sarah as a little girl having someone else do just about everything for her. Because, yes, they love her and they wanted to do the best they could for her, and they didn't believe she could do it. So now Sarah doesn't believe that she can do it. And then on her dad's perspective of things, he was really controlling. And again, he loved Sarah. He was doing the best he could. And that controlling manner, just like the mom stepping in, trying to do everything for her cross, greatly affected Sarah. And my job here with you friends is not to criticize your parents. It's not to judge them. I believe that we're all doing the best we can to our mental and physical capacity. We did the best we could with what we knew and what we had. And I believe that any moment of any day in anyone's life, we're all doing the best we can to our mental and physical capacity. Not just the people that have hurt us, but us, ourselves as well. And that's where a lot of healing can take place. So when I work with my clients, we are not trying to change our parents. We're not trying to change our spouses or our kids. We're just focusing on what is in our control, and that's ourselves. We get to control what we think, say, and do, the perspective and stories that we choose to continue on and grow in our own mind. That's our responsibility. And Some of those stories I've just got to tell you. If you've never really, like, dove into this work very much, or maybe you have some. Some of those stories are really, really damaging. And I want to always make sure that I can help you know what to do with those so that they stop hurting you, so that we stop thinking it's normal to just speak so terribly about yourself and to think so lowly about yourself. I don't want that to be the normal for any mother, and I certainly don't want it to go on to another generation. So I'm doing everything that I can think to do and having a dang good time doing it, because I get to connect with so many incredible women like Sarah, learn their story, meet them right where they're at. And to me, the best part is, is watching everyone grow, hearing about the new experiences. Like, oh, my gosh, I had the conversation with my mom and it went so well and she was totally understanding. And I'm excited for us to incorporate these things. Or I tried that, that thing with my kids, and it just feels like a breath of fresh air has entered our home. We've turned a new page, my spouse and I, we made such progress with that, and we're excited to be on, on the same page, trying it together. Like those, those stories and feedback that I get are just life giving to me as a coach, and I love to keep showing up to do it. So going back to this perspective with Sarah, though, that's a little bit about her childhood and why it is that she thinks that she can't do it. She literally tells herself, like, I'm not good enough. I can't do this. This is too much for me. It's too hard, it's too difficult. I need someone else to do it for me. And she constantly heard as a kid, you can't. Here, let me do that for you. So that became the internal dialogue. And I'm hoping that I can express this in a way where you make some connections too and maybe see how your mind is playing tricks on you this way too. Right? Because experiences come in, predictions go out. So I, and I ask her, like, okay, when this happens and you're, you're saying that you don't feel good enough and you're. And you can't and you need someone else to do it for you, how are you feeling? And she's saying, oh, my gosh, it's just the most horrible feelings. Like, I just feel so helpless and paralyzed and stuck and I just freeze and that is where we can realize, like the nervous system kicking in. So it's really fascinating how the mind and body work together. And again, if the nervous system is dysregulated, mindset work is not effective and it's certainly not sustainable. And I want you to have effective and sustainable outcomes and efforts and work in this self discovery and healing work that we do together. So I asked Jessica, okay, what identity have you been working on? And she said, really, I am capable is the one that sticks out to me the most. And what I've come up with is I am strong, I am capable, I am independent, confident, and come up with creative solutions. And that's how she described her identity. And I said, okay. And she said, capable is the one that means the most. And you might have an I am statement that you feel like just means the most to you. Like, maybe it's, I'm intentional, I am productive, I am innate, I am energetic. Like, what is it for you? Everyone typically has, like about five characteristics that they would love to identify with. And usually there's one that just kind of like strums your heartstrings. You're like, oh, yeah, that's the one. So for Sarah, it's capable. And what's really wonderful about identity and mindset work is that we all have our own unique perspective of any term. Yes. The dictionary can tell us the definition of any term. Sure. Right. Type it into Google. It will pop up a definition that does not mean it's what you think that term means. So what I think capable means and what Sarah thinks capable means can be two very different things. So I asked Sarah, well, what does capable mean to you? And she said, helping myself in hard moments, being able to stand tall, finding something I can do for myself, that I'm equipped with the tools that I need and I'm prepared for any circumstance and I'm worthy of having what I want and to be independent and confident and creative with my solutions, that's what it meant to be capable. I said, okay, that makes a lot of sense. And I caught something in there that makes me really grateful that I'm in this position of a coach for you and for Sarah is because I love, I love words. And coaching is so fun for me because it feels like when I'm, when I'm coaching a client, it feels like they bring me all the puzzle pieces and my mind gets to sort through them and create a picture. So really I joke with everyone. Like, I feel like I get to just play, like really healthy mind games. All day. Like crossword puzzles. That's like a mind game, right? My work just feels like a mind game. I'm playing with words, I'm playing with perspectives. I'm shifting things just a tiny bit. And then it's like they snap into place like magnets on a table. And it's the most satisfying feeling. Like it. It's so fulfilling to see it all come together with. With a spin. And it's a beautiful picture. So after Sarah told me what it means for her to be capable, I shared with her what I noticed from that and what I noticed about what she said about this idea of being capable and strong and prepared and ready and equipped. Right. That she can help herself in hard moments. The way she described capable honestly sounded like preparing for the hard. Preparing for something hard. Preparing for the difficult. She literally says hard moments. Equipped with the tools I need, prepared for any circumstance. She said to be independent and creative solutions. Well, why do we need a creative solution? Oh, because there's a problem. And why do I need to stand tall? Oh, because things would feel really hard about then. Why do I need to find something I can do for myself? Oh, because other people are gonna try and do it for me. Why do I need to be equipped with the tools that I need? Oh, because there's gonna be a big problem. Why do I need to be prepared for any circumstance? Oh, because they're gonna be hard. Do we see this pattern? And she really. That was the first thing she said. And when I said, what does I am capable mean to you? Like, what is capable? She said, helping myself in hard moments. So her mind is still trying to hold on to the same story, that she can't do it. Other people need to do it for her, that she's not good enough and use this word, capable, as almost like a band aid for all of that. Like all of the hardship, all of the problems, all the difficulty is going to stay there. And I'm just going to be. I'm going to be better for the difficulty. I'm going to be better for the hardship. I'm going to be better for the challenges. Instead of this shift, the shift of letting it be easy. Why. Why do we need to think that it's going to be so hard to do the things we want to do each day? Why do we think that it's going to just be so difficult, so challenging to just show up, be the mom you want to be? Because when I asked her incapable, she also mentioned, I'm worthy of having what I want. And I said, well, Sarah, what do you want? Like, it's nice to say I'm worried of having what I want. But what is it that you want? Do you know what you want? And Sarah gave me the most beautiful answer. She's like, I just want to play and I want to laugh, I want to be light hearted. I want to cook with my kids and know that even if they're having that hard moment, I am the safe place, I'm calm and they can just come to me and everything feels like it's okay. That's what she told me that she wants. So how is it that capable aligns really with what she wants? Because in what she said she wants, it's not hard and it's not difficult and it's not a great big challenge. So, so many times. The moral of this, so many times we craft. I am statements based off of how, how we can be better for what we're going through right now, rather than being who we wanna be in the life we wanna have. Do we wanna have so much hardship, so much difficulty, so many challenges in the life we wanna have? Maybe if you showed up as who you wanna be, the challenges, difficulties and hardships in themselves would change because you would change so drastically that, that they don't stand a chance against you. They just melt away. Yes, there will still be hard moments in our life. Yes, there will still be the unpredictable and the unforeseen. Absolutely. And we don't need to base our entire identity around preparing for those things. Even if you knew they were going to come, it doesn't change. It preparing for hardship and for difficulty and for challenges. After a certain extent, after you find peace, what is it doing? It's creating stress. It's hardening your heart. It's making you weary and uncomfortable when there is joy. Because it's like, oh my gosh, how long is this gonna last? I better not enjoy it too much because that will make the fall even worse. And I don't want us to live like that. Who the heck wants to live like that? Every time you withhold yourself from the opportunity of experiencing joy, it makes hardship easier, even harder. Because when you go through something hard, you don't have anything good to pull on. You don't have the good experiences, the good memories, the good hobbies, the good connection, the good relationships to pull on. When you go through something hard because you are way too busy preparing for hardship and difficulty and challenges to even equip yourself with all of the good that you could have really used in Your life, when that hard thing came, I know hard things are going to come in my life. I know that. And I know they're going to be a whole lot easier since I've spent so much time investing in good things in my life. Good people and good influences and good habits and good hobbies and good relationships all around. Good ways to invest my time, right? Like when I've spent so much time investing good, I feel really good. And I know what it's like to feel good. I know what it's like to be who I want to be. So when I go through something hard, I know it is so temporary and I'm going to be okay. And I can find peace so much faster than thinking this is just the way my life is. It's always so hard. Nothing ever goes my way. And all that comes from identity. So after she told me what she wants and we went through that, I asked her, okay, so am I in everything that you just told me you want? It doesn't. It's interesting. You never said capable. What you did say is enthusiastic, energetic, joyful, light hearted and playful. That's what she did say. Like being light hearted for her kids and playful with them and joyful that she just wakes up in the morning and gets to making breakfast with her kids and she's just energetic and can play around with them and have the energy to do the things that she wants done in her home and enthusiastic about what she gets to do. That's what she told me that she wants. So why is it that the I am statement is I am strong, I am confident, I am capable instead of I am enthusiastic, I'm energetic, I am joyful, light hearted and playful. And when I asked that to Sarah, she was saying, well, I need to be confident though. Like, I need to know that I'm capable of doing these things. And yes, I agree. And I told Sarah, I agree, I agree, you need to know that. And how or who would be able to show up as enthusiastic and energetic and joyful without being completely confident in themselves? How could you do that? And how could you show up as light hearted and not be strong? And how could you show up and be playful and not capable? Do you see what I'm saying? They're so connected. If you allow yourself to be enthusiastic, energetic, joyful, lighthearted and playful, you would be confident, strong and capable. You've just allowed yourself to live in a soft place, to let the walls down, to know that it's safe to experience the good and to laugh. You know that it's safe to be the light in your home and the laughter of your family. And you do that, and in turn, you're confident and you're strong and you're capable. Not to a fault, though, of wearing yourself down and overworking and exhausting yourself and then feeling paralyzed and frozen in the moment because it's just too much. It's too much to be capable, it's too much to be strong. It's too much to be so confident because we need to be soft sometimes, too. And it's amazing how when you allow yourself to lean into the soft, we are so strong in that place. How could you be forgiving and not confident? How could you be forgiving and not capable? How could you be forgiving and not strong? How could you be playful and lighthearted and joyful and energetic, enthusiastic and not confident, capable and strong? So I wanted to encourage you to reevaluate who you are, telling yourself that you are. Do you really need that I am capable, that I am strong, that I am confident. I love that for you. I really do. Just get crystal clear on what it means to you. Because capable for Sarah meant helping myself in hard moments, being able to stand tall, finding something I could do for myself, equipped with tools that I need, prepared for any circumstance, and being independent and confident with creative solutions like, wow, are we just preparing for a problem or what? Maybe it would be really fun to allow our mind to prepare for good and prepare for ease. I think if you're prepared to show up and look for the good and create the good, and you just feel so at ease in your daily routine, oh, man, are you confident and, oh, man, are you capable and are you strong because you're living in a flow of. A flow state of ease where, yes, you're still doing all the things that a mother does. You're cooking, you're cleaning, you're caring for kids, you're telling stories, you're giving healthy distractions, you're trying to teach how to breathe when they want to scream or hit right, like we're doing bedtime or brushing teeth. We're remembering to switch the clothes over from the washer to the dryer. And we've put the extra thing on the grocery list that we need to remember to get this week. We're doing so much, and if I saw a mother doing that and she just flowed through the ease, and she looked so lighthearted and so joyful and so enthusiastic in her role and energetic for what she gets to do, I would think, man, she is so Strong. She's so capable and she's so confident, and it's so beautiful to watch. And I wanted to encourage you, I wanted to bring this podcast episode over here. So. So, again, this is something that you can refer back to. You can start shaping an identity that truly does serve you and understand that sometimes we tell ourselves we need all these stern, strong, masculine I ams, and really what we need was some more soft, fluid, feminine I ams. And it's amazing the difference that it could bring and still give you access to everything that you feel you need while focusing on what you want. When you focus on what you want, what you need goes right along with it. So I hope this served you just as much as it served sweet Sarah. And I've loved seeing the real positive impact that this has had for her, for our community over in Mind Body Alignment and her family. And we don't need to never talk to her parents again and cut people out of our lives. I support you and I love you. Wherever you're at, whatever you feel is best for you right now, I am on your side. And I know that everyone's doing the best they can to their mental and physical capacity. And I know what it's like to try and cut people out of your life. And I know how much it can weigh on you when you're holding those grudges and you're holding that resentment. And that's what I have a ton of experience with, is holding anger and resentment and grudges. And I'm telling you, once I learned how to be who I want to be and let go of the resentment and let go of the grudges and heal my anger so it can be a very empowered and appropriate advisor for me in my life rather than just constantly trying to push me out of the way and grab the controls. My life has gotten so much better, and all the people can stay the same, and my past is certainly still the same. Nothing changed in my past. Everything that I thought about it has changed, and I'm free. And I want that for you, too. So hang out here on the podcast some more, and I hope that I can continue to serve you in this way. We have really wonderful, big things coming for you, and I know it's just going to get better over here. So thanks for hanging out. Thanks for being with me for right now, or maybe you've been here from the beginning, wherever it is. I'm just so grateful for you. And honestly, I really hope that something I teach you today or at any time is something that you'd be willing to bring into your home and share with your family. Because just as much as I love you, I love your kids and I love your partner and I love your family, I love people. I love people. And I really believe that people deserve a chance to have more tools and to make better choices because they see themselves as a better person than who they currently see themselves as they are right now. And we can help them do that just because I'm helping you. So remember, really watch the you are statements that you use with your kids. Craft an I am statement that truly does serve you. And maybe it's not. I am capable, I am confident, I am independent, I am strong, I am. Maybe it's going to look like I am enthusiastic, I am energetic, I am joyful, I'm light hearted, I am playful. Maybe that's what you really need right now and maybe it's going to align a whole lot more with what you actually want. I love you dearly. My sweet friend. Thank you so much for this opportunity and I'll talk to you real soon.