74. Feeling Hurt and BEING Kind. A Story of How To Do Both Well

I have a feeling you are going to greatly appreciate this story that I'm about to share with you that happened recently to me at a doctor's office. I know as moms, we face a lot of persecution. I mean, you take your. You try your best. You truly try your best to do your best for your kids, to make the best choices. Maybe you're cutting out dyes, or maybe you're trying to give them the snacks that you never had as a kid. And it just. Behind all of our choices, we really are doing the best we can to our mental and physical capacity with the information that we have and for what we believe. I know that to be true about you and myself, and I have personally been in those positions where doctors have not agreed with my choices or neighbors have not agreed with my choices. Family members I have felt persecuted by for the choices that I've made as a mother. I want to homeschool my boys. I focus strongly on our nutrition. There's a certain way that I want my family to live our life, and I work really hard to keep that vision in my heart and. And take as long as it needs to get there. And I. I want you to take this story and apply it to your life and see how maybe you could handle things differently, even if you feel hurt by someone that's persecuting you, because you're right, we are going to get persecuted, and you have been persecuted, and there's better ways that we can be handling it. So diving into this story today, I love it when I have a story to share with you guys that applies directly to this work and goodness, did the universe give me one. It was like, here you go. And it just so happened to work out this way. So recently I went to the doctor's office after struggling with something for a few weeks, and this has been like an ongoing thing for the past few years, and it flared back up. And I tried all the natural things that I knew how to do and looked up resources that I had access to, and I tried it for about four weeks, and I wasn't experiencing any relief. So I finally said, you know what? I'm just going to get the prescription. So I head over to the dermatologist's office, and I let them know what's going on. I'm very much aware of it. It's been on and off for three years, right? So the dermatologist comes in and he asked me, well, why do you think this came back? Because it went away. And then it came back. He's like, well, why do you think this came back? And I genuinely gave him my opinion, my best theory, right? And I was very vulnerable about it, very honest about it. This is. This is what I believe. This is what I think causes it. And he was not in support of my theory at all. And it was about 15 minutes of him persecuting me. And he literally flat out said, well, your theory on this is mute. There's no way that that's causing it. And I'm not gonna get into the details of what I think it is, because that's completely besides the point. The point is I felt strongly about my body and what's going on and what I think the connections are. I'm the person living in this body. My theory is. Is valuable. The signs I pick up from my body, the symptoms that I experience are valuable. And for them to be called mute feels really hurtful. It feels really hurtful, especially from someone that just asked me a question. And I'm trying my best to provide my most informed answer, right? So it's 15 minutes of him not only letting me know that my theory is mute, or also poking fun and making jokes about my lifestyle choices and how much. How much focus I put on this and how many precautions I've personally taken in my life in order to see this through. Literally making jokes, even told my family, well, you guys could just move. Move away from here, because over there, they don't do this. Like, I mean, just some of the things he said, it just felt so. So hurtful. And I sat there in this chair across from this doctor, and it was about 15 minutes of taking this, and I would. And I would still have answers Like, I wasn't mute. I wasn't not saying anything. He'd ask a question, and I'd answer it. And I even went the route of trying to prove a point and ask him questions. I'm like, oh, so there's absolutely no cons to this thing that I'm. That I've decided to avoid to the best of my abilities. And he's like, no, none whatsoever. I would actually be more concerned with blah than. Than that ever being a thing. And it's just the whole time, I felt so dismissed. I felt so. Just, like, inadequate. And I felt really hurt in this process. And I'm sitting across from this doctor, and he made one more. One more joke. And I finally, just, like, I felt the tears in my eyes. And my initial thought was, I'm not crying here. I am not crying here. And that was my initial thought for a Split second. And then I realized what I was thinking. I was telling myself, basically, I'm not gonna feel. I'm not gonna show that I'm human here. Here's this doctor. Yes, absolutely persecuting me. I believe it was unprofessional. I believe that in the way he's expressing his opinions, not the science, his opinions, was unprofessional. And, yes, I can get behind that. And I know some of you listening are so wholehearted and so wonderful and you feel very passionate and very strongly about this topic. And I experienced a lot of that over on Instagram when I shared about this happening, when it did happen. And again, I. I'm really grateful for this experience in my life. I'm grateful for the awareness I was able to bring to the office. And I'll share more about those details, too. And I. I think that the way I handled it is a beautiful way to start seeing change in these situations, to show that we're human and to show that we feel hurt and to still be kind, because you can feel hurt and you can cry and you can be kind. So I'm sitting across from this doctor. He made his last joke, and I felt those tears. And I told myself initially, I'm not going to cry, which basically just means I'm not going to feel right now, I'm not going to be human right now. I'm not going to show that I feel hurt. And that's completely out of alignment with who I know I really am. And this whole year, I've been doing so much emotional work on myself to build more emotional awareness, emotional mastery alongside my mindset work. So trying to excuse all of that was not, not gonna fly with how hard I've been working all year. So I actually shifted to, this is my chance. This is my chance. And it's true, that was my chance to regulate my nervous system in that moment, to honor the emotions that are there and be who I want to be in front of these people that maybe aren't being who they want to be. Maybe they don't love who they are. Maybe they don't have this type of emotional mastery or tools to regulate their nervous system in a way that I do. So is there a way that I can prove it can be done right now? Yes. And this is my chance to do it. So instead of going to this place mentally of, I can't do that here. I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to do that. This is my chance. And I have never, ever, ever, ever done this at a doctor's office or really anywhere in any type of, like, conflict that I found myself in. I've never given myself permission to do this, and it's so profound for me in my life, and I hope it inspires you that next time you have the chance, because you will have another chance the next time you have the chance to do this, maybe you consider it. So I stood up from the chair that I was sitting in, right across from the doctor, and he was pretty close to me. Like, you know how you just, like, sit in front of your doctor? He was pretty close to me. And I stood up, and I walked right over to the window on the other side of the room, and I just stared out the window. I didn't say a single word. And why did I do that? Because it doesn't feel good to sit in front of somebody when you're feeling attacked. My nervous system does not feel good with that. And it's important for me to honor where my nervous system's at and help it feel safe again. Otherwise, I'm gonna spiral. I'm gonna lash out. I'm gonna shut down. I'm gonna get to that place of feeling completely out of control. So I need to realize what's happening when it's happening, and honor it and do something about it. So I stood up, and I walked over the window, and I didn't say a single word because I truly was just focusing on me in that moment, and. And the room was quiet. It was totally an unexpected move on my part. The nurse and the doctor in there were not expecting it. I don't know if anyone's ever done that to them, honestly. So I do that. I'm looking out the window, and I'm instantly feeling better. Instantly. I still feel hurt, right? These. These tears are still in my eyes. I still feel hot. My hands still feel, like, that tenseness that you just kind of want to shake them out. I'm still feeling all these things, and I'm feeling 10 times more empowered than I did when I was sitting in that chair, not allowing myself to move. And it just kind of felt like I was digging myself this hole that felt really hard to get out of. And instead of just continuing to dig, I just put down the shovel and I walked over to the window. Like, okay, I need to do something different. So I'm looking out this window. I'm studying the surroundings, giving my mind a different objective. Like, Kate, how about you show me the buildings? Let's look for the buildings first. Now let's look for the plants, right? And it's probably about 30 seconds that the room was silent. And the doctor said, you know, I am sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. And you know what? And then he made one more joke, which maybe he didn't consider to be a joke. It was totally like, it was still just so dismissive to what I have been going through for the past three years. And this flare up that I'm going through right now. And the whole purpose and intention of going to the office is because I already made up my mind that I'm gonna get this prescription. And that's all I went there for. I was not here to try and persuade you to think like me or to believe what I believe. Like, or to have this information. Like, if you really wanna learn about it, go learn about it. Um, anyway, so he apologized and made this last little dig is what it felt like. And I just started crying even more. Oh, I, I got that wrong because I did, I did respond to him. So actually I was looking out the window and then he said, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. And I said, I just would like to get that prescription and leave now. And then he said, well, and then he made that last comment, which I interpreted as a dig because it just felt really dismissive of everything that I've been going through for the past three years and all, all of my hard efforts and attention that I've brought to this to holistically try to do everything that I can to understand my body, what's going on. And it just, it just felt really disrespectful, dismissive and hurtful that he made this last comment. And then there's tears coming out of my eyes now, right? That last little dig. Oh, yeah, I, I, I felt it, I got it, got the message there. The tears are coming out and I'm standing out the window and I'm shaking my hands. Why am I shaking my hands? Well, because my nervous system between fight, flight and freeze. Oh, I'm a fighter. I'm, I would love to hit something now, girl. And an occasional. I'm just gonna run from this type of gal. So anyway, I feel that in my hands and I shake them out. I'm gonna honor that. I feel this way. I'm staying at this window. I feel hot, I feel sweaty, and I feel like I want to punch something. So I'm just gonna shake my hands out. And I'm also someone that can say very hurtful things. I am Someone that has worked really hard for the past five years, more than that, to correct that behavior, to correct that tendency of justifying cruel things, to say, just because I feel upset, just because I have hurt feelings, just because someone may be making jokes about me and my lifestyle and what I prioritize. To me, the standard I want to hold myself to is kindness. And honestly, taking it back to when I was a kid and my aunt would say, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Like, I'm gonna go back to that standard. I. I don't wanna be the person that adds fuel to a fire, that makes a situation worse that. That says, well, you hurt me, so I hurt you. Like, I. I don't wanna be that person. I wanna feel really good about the way I handle things, and I'm learning how to do that. So I'm shaking out my hands, tears are coming down my face. He makes his last comment, and I just turn to him and I look him in the eyes and why did I do that? Because I want to show that I'm human, and I want to honor that he's human, too. And as much as this may be a really big deal to me, and it may just be, you know, just another day at the office for him, this isn't a big deal. I see four cases of this every day. Well, that sounds concerning. So, anyway, all that aside, I turn and I look him in the eyes and I have tears down my face, right? And I feel hot. And I know my face is red, and I know all this is happening, and I still choose to feel hurt and be kind. And I look him in the eyes and I let them know, I'm done having this conversation. I appreciate your profession and your perspective, and I would really just like to get that prescription now and go home. And I left it at that. And all he responded with was, okay, he wrote the prescription. I. He left the room appropriately. The nurse let me know, you can take all the time you need. And I let her know, I'm perfectly fine to leave now. Thank you. And I was respectful to everybody. I didn't huff and puff and roll my eyes and slam a door. I didn't say hurtful things to this doctor. Could I. Do I have grounds to tell them off? Sure, sure. Does it align with who I want to be? Absolutely not. How I want to feel when I leave people is that I left them a little bit better. Even in the hard conversations, even if they were attacking me, attacking my character, attacking how I choose to spend my time, my energy, my money, my efforts. Like, I just want to know that I can sit with my own choices and feel really good about them. I don't control other people. And guess what? Other people are still gonna sit with their choices, and they're gonna be left with a question of how they feel about them. And that's completely on them. The beautiful thing about the way you choose to treat people, even especially in those hard moments, is when you choose to hold true to your morals and values and your identity and the vision you have for your life and what. And. And who you want to be. When you hold true to all that and you feel great about the way that you handled something, someone else is left focusing on what they did rather than, oh, I can't believe she slammed that door at the office. Gosh, she was just so rude to you. I don't know what was going on with her. How could that be the perspective that someone gathers if I was quiet? How. How could it. How could it be that that's the perspective they gather if I made eye contact and I let them know, I appreciate you and your profession and your perspective, and I would really like that prescription now and to go home. How could. I'm sure it could be misunderstood, right? There's always that chance of misunderstanding. Where is the misunderstanding going to be greater when I hold myself to higher standards, standards that I feel very proud of, or if I lose it and I flip my lid and I justify my behavior and I slam their door and I mistreat the nurse and I, you know, shout and rave at the office and let everyone else there know that's trying to receive care and trying to have their concerns answered or their problems resolved, like, and let everyone know how terrible the treatment is and blah, blah, blah. Like, there is still a time, a place, and an effective way to. To get all of that message across to let other people know about the practice. Right? And a beautiful opportunity actually continued to arise for me. So I left the office, and I felt really proud of myself because I've never in my life handled something that felt so hard like that in that way. It just. It was like a high and a healing all at once, and I still felt tender to it. The comments he made were hurtful. I. Yes. And I don't think it's appropriate to joke about people's lives in that way. That felt hurtful, and I was honoring that. So I go to fill my prescription, I call my husband, and I let him know, hey, I just left the Doctor's office. I'm. They said it's about 15 minutes at the pharmacy to get the prescription filled, and then I'll be home. He's like, okay, well, what'd they say? How was it? And I was like, actually, it felt really hard, and it. I, like, I have really hurt feelings over it. And I'm actually really proud of the way that I handled it. And he's like, well, what happened? My sweet husband is just my protector. He's so great, and I need to always make it very clear that I'm good. I've handled it in a way that I feel very proud of, and I have hurt feelings. And here's what happened. Um, anyway, so I told him everything that happened. He's like, man, well, I am really proud of you, and I'm really sorry that you went through that. Um, and, you know, we'll see you when you get home in just a little bit. Like, you know, we'll see it. And I'm like, okay, perfect. Love you so much. I'll be home soon. And then I get home, I fill my prescription, I get back home, and about, I don't know, an hour later, I'm making dinner and I'm feeling good now, right? I'm like, okay, I'm getting back. I'm. I. I'm doing a great job. I'm feeling good myself. And then the dermatologist office is calling me. And my heart sank. My stomach was in a knot. I'm like, is this doctor freaking serious? He's going to call me right now. Like, I know I handled it well and everything, and I'm not ready to talk to you about it. So I almost ignored the call, which is totally a past conditioned, programmed part of me that wants to ignore phone calls and ignore hard conversations. Hello? Hi, it's me raising my hand literally on this episode, because that is totally a tendency of mine that I'm again, working really hard to overcome. And it feels extremely uncomfortable to answer the phone sometimes for me. Um, so anyway, the. It says dermatology office, whatever on my phone. And I'm like, oh, already thinking the worst. I haven't even answered the phone. Isn't it amazing how our mind will just make these predictions with 5% factual information? What's the 5% factual information? My phone is ringing right now and it says dermatology Office. That's the 5% factual information. The 95% fabricated story is that he's calling. It's gonna be this awkward conversation of him apologizing because he knows that he did something wrong. And, you know, I just don't even wanna talk to him right now. And my mind is creating this 95% made up story that hasn't even happened because I have 5% of factual information in front of me. So again, I take the 5% factual information. I decide I wanna be someone that answers the phone. And I answered the phone. And much to my surprise, I felt very taken back. It was the owner of the practice. The owner of the practice, he was very wonderful, very kind. He reassured me. He said, the girls up front let me know that you did not have a good experience at our office today. And it is extremely important to me that every single one of the clients that come to our office has a wonderful experience. So can you help me understand? I'd love to hear your perspective and your side of the story before I go talking to anybody else. Your perspective matters very much to me. And he was so amazing, just so, so professional, so compassionate and still maybe like he doesn't even share all the same views as me, right? And he handled it in a beautiful way. And, and that's what I was able to express to him is I understand that we can have different views on some things and sometimes it's a fine line to walk. I personally feel that it was very unprofessional that he shared his opinion so much at my appointment and made jokes about my life and my choices. When this is something that I've been going through for three years and I have this recent flare up, I would perceive as a pretty inconvenient time. And I'm looking for solutions, not attacks on my life and jokes about me. And I even said, I do truly respect this man. I've seen him several times. I'm grateful for, I'm grateful for how he has helped me. And I know he's a great person. I would like it to be known that it would be, it would have been a much better experience if he reserved his questions and remarks and opinions on my choices, if he reserved all of that and just kept it as a professional appointment to get me the prescription that I came there for. Because it's proven like this is, this is appropriate to have. And he said, yes, totally agree. So we had this wonderful conversation. I still got to voice all my concerns. I still got. I got to talk to the freaking head of the, the head honcho over there. You know, he owns the freaking building. Like, great, perfect, love this. And I still feel so good about all this, right? So I get off the phone with Him. It was a 15 minute conversation. So glad I answered the phone again. Very much outside of my comfort zone and in alignment with who I want to be. I want to be the girl that answers the phone. I want to be the girl that walks over to the window, that makes eye contact with people, that can cry and feel hurt and be kind. That's who I want to be. And I held myself to that standard and I'm just. I'm so glad that I did. Then I get off the phone with him and I turn to Marcus, who's sitting at the kitchen table. He's like, who's that? I was like, the dermatologist's office. And he was like, oh really? And I was like, yeah. And it was the owner. Like, it was. The owner called me and he heard that I didn't have a good experience and the girls up front told him and he wanted to hear my perspective. I just really appreciate that. Like I just feel. I feel really seen and heard and valued by them. Like I. I'm grateful for that. And he was like, oh, I'm so glad. So like, how'd the conversation go? It was sad, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, yeah, it was so good. There was just one weird part that I'm trying to like, figure out. He mentioned at the beginning of the call that one of the girls at the office at the front desk told him about my experience, that she had noticed that I had a bad experience. And then at the end of our call, he thanked me for letting him know about the experience and that as. As owning the practice, it's really important that. That the clients bring experiences like this up to them, otherwise they don't know about it. And I. He thanked me at the end for bringing this to his attention. Where I didn't bring it to his attention. The girls at the front desk brought it to his attention. Right. So my mind is like, wait, how did you find out about this? So I'm talking to Marcus and I'm like, it must have been the nurse in the room. Like she was in there. Maybe she like, she obviously saw me crying, having to freaking our time. Maybe she brought it up to his attention and thought that the way the other doctor handled it was unprofessional maybe. And I look at Marcus and he. Cuz I'm like looking down while I'm thinking and talking and like sorting my thoughts on this and what my theory is. And then I look over at Marcus, who's sitting at our kitchen table and he has this grin that would be impossible to hide. You just can't hide it. And I look and I was like. It just clicked in my head. Marcus called them. My husband had the opportunity to be my protector, which he loves to be in a way that we could both feel very good about. And he tried so hard to make it so that it didn't get back that he was the one that called because he just cares so much about me, and he wants me to have great experiences just like I do. And, yes, he's proud of me, and he wants what's best for me. And I just. It was so sweet. And I've got to say that there is a time not too long ago that if this were to have happened over a year ago, I would have felt so embarrassed that Marcus called them and so frustrated with him that he would have gone out and called the office after I already told him that I handled it in a way that I feel really good about, and I don't want to have the freaking dermatologist office call me. So you're telling me the dermatologist called office is calling me because you told them? Why did you tell them? Why did you put me in this position? I would have gone there. And that is not who I want to be as a wife. It's not who I want to be as a person. I want to see people's efforts to do their best for me because they love me, which is exactly what my husband was doing. I feel grateful, and I caught that. It was like this day was just full of experiences and opportunities that I needed to see how much I've grown and. And how far I've come. And I'm so grateful for every single one of them, Even if some of them had tears and some of them were hard. And my heart raced through some parts of it like it was so good. And I look at Marcus, and he's grinning, and I was like, did you call them? Did you let them know? He's like, well, I told him at the office to make it, that they told them, and they weren't supposed to make it me. And I was like, I'm so grateful for you. And I walked over to him, and I gave him a hug, and I gave him a big kiss, and I told him, thank you. Thank you for doing that for me, because that was his intention, to help me, to serve me, and it's exactly the. The opportunity that I needed. And that owner of the practice wouldn't have called me if it weren't for. If it weren't for Marcus, letting him know. So I not only had the opportunity to handle it in the moment in a way that I feel really proud of, I also had the opportunity to experience something that typically feels pretty triggering for me when I get these phone calls and have the opportunity to say, I, I'm the person that answers the phone and I am that person. That is who I am. And I did it. And I got to show my mind how safe and how good it can be to answer the phone. And I needed that experience for my own healing. So I want to share this story with you because it just, in one day, it embodied so much progress, so much healing, so many tools, so many perspectives. And I. And the identity that I take on for myself and I. And I'm hoping that it inspires, inspires you to see a new way that we could do things, to feel hurt and be kind. I hope it inspires you to be the person you want to be. If you, if you're, if you want to be the person that bites the life out of her tongue, maybe sometimes you are the person that says the hurtful thing and you want to be the person that doesn't. That doesn't say the hurtful thing. You want to be the person that can withhold, be the person that withholds. You're going to have to learn to bite your tongue until your tongue learns to be still. And you can teach it. You can teach it how to be still. Or maybe you want to be the person that does speak up for herself. Well, you can teach the tongue how to move and you can teach the tongue how to speak. You want to be the person that's able to walk over to the window and honor her nervous system and look out and just take that minute. Me, too. That's who I want to be. So I hope that this example of my personal life gave you just some inspiration, some hope, some proof of what's possible, and a little bit more direction of where you want to go moving forward and coming up. So, dear friends, run with this. Apply it to your life. I'll see you super soon in our upcoming courses. Mind Body Alignment Summer group just wrapped up. We're going to have the enrollment open for Mind Body Alignment New Year's group in December. So let's use this time, this next 12 weeks or so to just stay, stay focused on who we want to be, getting clear on who that is, and then join us inside of Mind Body Alignment this New Year's for 12 incredible weeks of coaching alongside remarkable women that are doing the work with you, holding you accountable. There's a proven roadmap, game plan and coaching every step of the way. I'm so grateful that these are courses that I get to run and ways that I get to connect with like minded women that want some similar things. Because when we keep each other close in proximity, it's so much easier to grow. And when we stay in the work, the work stays in us. So my dear friend, I hope you just stay in the work.