78. Momset Podcast and 3 Ways To "Get Your Spouse On Board"

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Oh, my goodness. I am literally standing up, jumping for joy as we release the name mom set for you for the very first time. So this is now the momset podcast, still hosted by me, Tessa Romero. Happy to be here with you sharing stories, sharing tools, and making sure that we are strengthening your skill set and mindset because it's going to make all the difference for you to be able to apply everything else that that's golden and wonderful in your life that you're learning along the way. We have to have a mindset that allows us to implement these things and know that we can do it. So, really briefly, before we get into this episode, which is a common question I get literally every single day, how do I get my spouse on board? I'm going to share with you two simple, simple things that you can do that will get your spouse on board. Technically, it's three simple things. So three simple things you can do that will get your spouse on board and, and create this free space that neither one of you is feeling constantly criticized, under attack and defensive in. Right? Because we, we don't thrive under constant criticism. Who would? Not us? It's not our jam. So when it comes to momset, though, the name momset comes from mindset and motherhood. Mindset and motherhood. That's how we came up with momset. And momset is the new brand for all of the work that I put out to you. I've never had a real brand before, and as I've created more courses for you, more content, and I have bigger vision of what I want to be able to provide to you. I knew we needed a good umbrella for everything to fall under. So now the Revive, Retreat, Mind Body Alignment, Alignment, Journaling our new mommy mindset course that's coming out so soon. This podcast all the content that I create and resources I provide are all falling under the name momset. So now we're all caught up on that. It's so exciting. I promise you we have lots to look forward to over this year and I wanted to share it here on the podC before anywhere else because it means so much to me that you're here, that you listen to these episodes, that you, that you really apply what I'm sharing here and we chat about it together. It means so much to me. It feels like a deeper level of connection and I wanted to share this with you first. So now let's dive into this week's episode, how to get your spouse on board. Like I said, this is the number one message I it's top five, top five messages that I get asking, how do I get my spouse on board? Tessa, this mindset work sounds great and I need my spouse on board, right? Tessa, this sounds all nice and all, but my spouse isn't on board. That's probably more likely the way that it's phrased. There's a, there's a big fat butt in there, but I can't get my spouse to do it. I've seen such huge progress in myself, but my spouse won't do it too. So I feel like it's a waste of time for me to be trying to communicate this way with my kids and leading this way because my spouse won't get on board. So I want to help you out here and share these three things, these three practical things that you can do that leave all of this criticism and judgment and defensive behavior out of our approach. Because truly, if you try to take this critical approach to changing somebody else, they're just going to feel judged. And no one thrives under constant criticism. You wouldn't thrive under constant criticism. And your spouse doesn't either. Your kids wouldn't, and I certainly wouldn't either. So I want us to know how to share this good work. Be it with your spouse, your kids, your in laws, your neighbor, your siblings, your best friend, whoever it is that you want to be able to share mindset goodness with. This is what you need to do. Number one. We're diving right in with number one. Lead by example, please only expect people to do what you are willing to do first. That means you do it first. That does not mean, hey, you really need to start working out. You really need to speak kinder to the kids. You really need to focus on your health and stop drinking so many energy drinks. You really like this constant criticism of what he's thinking about, how he's speaking, what he's wearing, what time he goes to bed, what time he wakes up, the way he breathes and chews his food. Like, we have better ways to approach the changes that we want to see in others. And it comes from truly understanding that you only control yourself. As much as you would love to use mindset work as a fun, creative way to control other people, that's not how it works. That's just not how it works. Mindset work is about you. You being your best self first, you proving what can be done, you feeling better, you feeling proud of your choices, you becoming who you want to be. That's what mindset work is about. And in the process, you prove what can be done for others to see, and you end up shining this light that becomes so attractive that you actually draw people in to you. I really believe that that's how I've built momset, mind body alignment, the courses, the content, and the community that we have here is because I just shine the light. I truly live this work. Anything that I learn about mindset, if it applies to my life, I live it. I learn it, and I live it. And then I teach it to you. So if you want your spouse to, or your sibling, whoever it is, to pick up on this mindset work a little bit more, maybe you need to model it a little bit louder first. Radiate a little bit more, a little bit stronger first. So that first step is to be able to lead by example. Model the behavior first. Use the language that you want them to use. So a good example of this is sometimes we see a difference in the way that we're speaking to our kids because we're working so hard on our mindset compared to how our spouse is speaking to the kids, and we just don't agree with it. Maybe they're raising their voice or they're using harsh words or they have more criticism in their voice. They're telling the kids what not to do. And you're like, well, baloney guy, how's it going to work for them to start doing what we want them to do if you're only telling them what not to do, and we only tell them, don't do these things. The kids aren't freaking learning what to do. Like, I have been there, done that. I drank that water, I freaking get it. And I know that what works best is just proving it, modeling it. Because who in your life wants to feel weighed down by negativity? Who in your life truly Wants to come home and feel upset. Who in your life wants to spend their time yelling at other people? It may look like they enjoy it, and I have people like that in my life, too, where it truly looks like they just enjoy finding the flaws and the faults and others and being able to complain about the food they got at a restaurant and just find the thing to nitpick at. I get it. And I know that that's not a fulfilling, joyful life. That's not a life full of gratitude. That's not a soft heart and an open mind. That's hurt people. Hurting people, that defensive nature, the criticism that they're constantly dishing out comes from the criticism that they have within themselves. And they feel that they're constantly under. And it's just learned behaviors. This is how they've learned to adapt. For whatever reason, their life experiences, their mind has literally learned to adapt to it by doing these things. So if you want them to feel safe and comfortable, to unlearn something and learn how to do something different, we have to create a safe space for that to happen. And one of the great ways to do that is, again, just modeling it. So the way that your spouse may talk to the kids and gosh, I just want to remind you, your kids are okay. They've got you. It's important for us as people to have a variety, a dynamic within our experiences. That's how we learn right from wrong, is because we have the ability to experience it and to feel the difference. So this is the perspective work that goes into it. I know right now you want to snap your fingers, make everything better, more positive, more light, more encouraging. I get that. And it will be more sustainable and more healthy for everyone in your family when you know that there is good, there's good being done here, and there's growth happening. And sometimes it feels really hard and sometimes it looks a little bit ugly, and that's what growth looks like. So when you choose like this is how your spouse is handling, and instead of directing your attention onto him, telling him what he needs to do differently or better, right, how he could best meet your standards and expectations, you choose to just show up and you get down to your knees and you look your kids in the eyes and you grab their sweet little hands and you let them know, I hear you. I see what you're trying to do here. And it looks like you need some help. Can I offer some help? Would you like my help to get that off the counter? Because maybe the whining is just flipping your husband's lid. It's sending him over the edge and he lacks another way to do it. He's doing what he knows how to do. And when we come into life with that perspective of people are just doing what they know how to do, it's not an attack on you that he's not doing it the way that you want him to. It's very likely that he would love to stay patient, he would love to feel calm, he would love to feel excited and enthusiastic. And there's something going on in him because of his life experiences and the way that his mind is currently programmed, which can change because our minds are malleable, that that's the best he can do right now. So your spouse is doing the best he can, your kids are doing the best they can. None of this is a personal attack on you. And you choose to model something different and you show up to that situation, you handle it differently. Now, what happens when you just show up and you model it without saying a word to him? There's no criticism, there's no judgment, there's no eye rolling, huffing, buffing, tense nature next time he goes to touch you, right, we're able to just show up and say, this is my chance to be the mommy I want to be. And we handle it just like that. And everybody around us calms down because our calm is big enough to share. And that's what we do. We just radiate this calm that gives others peace and it gives them this new perspective and a moment of pause to really think and consider what they're doing. It allows them the opportunity to just truly look at themselves in the mirror rather than looking at us and what we're doing and not taking any ownership or accountability for themselves. So that's the first thing that you need to do, is model it. Only expect other people to do what you yourself are willing to do first, and you better prove it well and live it fully before you go asking other people to do it. So that is number one. The second thing that you can do that's extremely effective to sharing this work with others without the criticism, defensiveness, or argumentative approach is to plant seeds. So let's say there aren't very many opportunities maybe for you to do this in front of your spouse. Maybe he's gone long hours, maybe just the. The time for you guys to be together or his time with the kids is very limited. So in those moments where he comes across a bit more harshly, the learning moment passes very quickly. And sometimes you don't entirely Take advantage of that. That's okay. That's okay. So you're still gonna live this work all day long the best that you can. And then the second thing you're gonna do is plant seeds. So when you do have an opportunity to connect with your spouse, you are planting a seed in his mind, and truly modeling this behavior in front of him is planting seeds, and it's allowing those seeds to land on fertile ground and grow themselves. It's planting ideas. Okay, so we plant seeds. So by modeling behavior is a way to plant seeds. And another great way to plant seeds is to text your spouse. Text your spouse something like, man, I am so proud of myself right now. Liam just did that same thing that he always does. List a common freaking example. And I handled it so well. I simply told him, I'm excited to do that with you. Or I simply told him, you're right, and he completely calmed down. It just blew my mind. So you planted a seed. You shared an experience with this person that you want to be able to teach. You want to be able to share these wins with. Right. And use them as opportunities to help him without it being this constant criticism and discouraging approach for him because he's already doing the best he can. Right. We want to make it very appealing, like, oh, my gosh, look how freaking well this worked. Like, my mind's freaking blown right now. Plant the seed. Let him know what you're doing that's working and make it all about you. Not. I told Liam, you're right, and it works so well. You should try it, too. Just leave that last part out. We don't need to go there. You don't need to tell people what they should and shouldn't do all the time. Let's just. Let's withhold that. We're going to refrain from doing that, and we're just going to make it all about us. I've noticed that I've been having a hard time connecting with Liam and figuring out what he needs and how to help him in these moments. And today I tried just telling him, you're right. I just told him, you're right, and it changed everything. That's planting a seed, and you've made it all about you. So the defensive nature that has built up in someone else stays really low because it's not about them. It's not about criticizing them right now. What is there to be defensive about when you're just talking about improving yourself and you found something that's working well for you? Okay, so that's Our second point is to plant seeds. And our third thing that we can do is share joy. Ooh, baby. And you'll notice all three of these things naturally work together. You heard me share joy when I was planting the seed. I'm so freaking excited that this works so well. If you are ever feeling like you're the one criticized, you're the one in that defensive place. You're the one that just constantly feels freaking judged by someone in your life. Try sharing joy. Stop trying to explain to someone why you're doing this work and why it's so important to you and what you're hoping to get out of it and just freaking own it. Gosh, I am just feeling on fire since I started doing these I am statements. Goodness, look at me go. What the frick are they going to say to you? Well, you should really just, you know, not be so excited about feeling good. Like, what are they're probably gonna say, oh, that's nice. Like, oh, cool, great. Like, it might be hard for them to handle such enthusiasm and excitement, and it might be a little bit of a learning curve for them because this is new, and you're gonna walk away feeling a whole lot freaking better. Like, you're finally the one in control of yourself in those circumstances where you're having a conversation with other people and it often goes to places of criticism and judgment and this defensiveness, and you're like, how the do I break the cycle? Share joy. Own what you're doing and share joy. You want to tell people that you're waking up at 5am and you're like, gosh dang it, look at me freaking go. I'm feeling great. Oh, wow. I'm having, like, energy bursts throughout the day. I'm feeling productive first thing in the morning. I've got breakfast before the kids are even up. Look at me go. Who am I? Oh, that's right. I decide who I am. And, you know, you just share all this joy. What are the chances that someone is is going to come up to you and say, yeah, but you should really sleep longer if you're feeling better and you're proud of your choices and you're freaking fired up about what you've got going on in your life? Why is it that you should sleep in longer if you've decided that it's better for you to wake up earlier? And even if they were to say that, it sounds a little absurd. It sounds just a little bit absurd. And you're like, huh, what an interesting response. And you move the Heck, on with your day and your life and your mindset, because you can do that. You can do that. So those are the three steps that we're going to take when trying to get our spouse on board. It's the common question. Or maybe it's your kids. You want to get your kids on board the mindset work. Your neighbor, your best friend, your siblings, your in laws, your parents, whoever it is that you're like, man, if I could just get them on board this mindset work, things would be so much easier. I feel you. I get it. And that's their road to travel. Have you ever heard that saying, we can't drag someone to the finish line? It's really true. You might be able to push them to the start line, like, this is it, this is it. This is what you need to do. And they still have to run their own race. They still have to do the work. And I'm telling you, my friend, the work stays in you when you stay in the work. So put your focus, put your priority on modeling it first, planting seeds with others and sharing joy. Because those three things are a super power formula for making sure that you protect your priorities. And it's non negotiable for you to be doing this work and to radiate a light that actually helps other people. Because now we know this criticism, this judgment, this shaming other people certainly, certainly is not going to give them the energy they need to run this race, prove what can be done, be proud of what you do and the way you do it. And my goodness, just freaking own the crap out of it. You know, just own it with your whole dang heart. Follow these three steps, keep me updated on how it goes for you and who you're choosing to really focus on using this with in your life. And I promise you that as you step away from using criticism, judgment, shaming tactics, you're going to feel a whole lot lighter and brighter in the process, just like everyone else around you. I'm so excited for you to be applying this. Welcome. Welcome to the momset podcast. And stay tuned for all the exciting announcements that we have to come revive enrollment. Our three day retreat opens on November 1st. You're gonna want to be there. It's limited spots because we spend three whole days together in a home with a private chef and coaches and our team that make the experience absolutely remarkable for you so you can finally heal the hurt that you've been carrying so that we're no longer projecting it onto the people that we love the most. Revive is where you go to find purpose in the places that you've been holding on to pain. Revive is where you come to emotionally release what you've been putting down and regulate yourself and learn how to do that in your home environment too. We need a safe place to be vulnerable. We need a safe place to heal. We need a safe place to put it all down so we can intentionally decide what exactly it is that we're going to pick up and carry moving forward. And. And you need the right team to make it happen for you. And that's what I provide to you at Revive. It's an incredibly unique and special experience available to 16 women. And it it's going to be In February of 2024 is our next Revive. So there's more details to come on that. I'm so excited. Watch out for November 1st. You're gonna wanna be there and just the lifelong friendships that you can make while you're there with like minded women that are in the work with you. That alone can change your life. That alone can change your life. The new Mommy Mindset course is releasing this coming week. I will have updated links for you in the show notes once it's available for you. And again, that course is an incredible way to be enriching your mindset and having practical tools to be implementing on a daily basis and strengthening your skill set in this work every day. And I know it's the Mommy Mindset course and it applies to all relationships in your life, all circumstances in your life. It's called Mommy Mindset because MOMMY is an acronym. Motherly Opportunity, Mindful, Magnify and yes. And in that acronym we're focusing on who it is that we're being and the mindset that we're choosing to have. And you can apply that anywhere. We keep the focus on motherhood and you can clearly see where it applies elsewhere. I'm excited to be giving all this to you so soon. And again, just thank you for being here. I love the podcast community. It's really fun to be connecting and just feel like we're chatting across from a couch together and sometimes I stand up because I get a little fired up and it's a lot of fun. Oh my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.