79. Change The Way You Respond To Your Next Hard Circumstance

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Welcome back, my sweet friend. I hope you're having a great week and that I can make it even better for you as I pour a little bit of perspective, mindset, work, and encouragement over you. So my family just recently went on a trip, and while we were out on this trip, there was a beach. So we went kind of like up the Pacific coast and getting into, like, the Redwood Forest, and then we went over to Oregon for a couple days. So we were gone for a week. And I have a guide coming for you guys to share the links of the Airbnb. We stayed at, the hotel we stayed at and the car that we used and just, like, fun little stops that we found along the way that's coming for you. For now, I want to share the perspective pieces. So this fun little beach that we found, it was a foggy morning at the coast right there, and it was just so beautiful, different to what we're used to. And we go to the beach with the boys, and I'm holding Drew, and Liam and Luke are walking. We go through. It just felt like this mystic forest that we were walking through, like right out of a storybook. It was really cool. And we're walking through, and we get to the beach on the other side, and we're just admiring the fog and the waves and the sand, and there are some shells and. And having just a great time together in the morning as a family. And Marcus and I are totally present, chatting with each other, just looking at the view and whatnot. And Liam and Luke are running back and forth from the waves. I don't know if you ever did that as a kid. Waves come crashing in and, like, they. I'm trying to think of the best way to describe it. The waves, like, go up further onto the shore, and the sand and Then you run away from the wave, and then as it goes back into the ocean, you, like, chase it back in. So you chase the wave in, and then it chases you out is the best way to visualize that. So Liam and Luke were doing that. It's. And I felt great about it. I was like, okay, all is well. I'm holding. Drew Marks and I are chatting, and we look over to the side, and then truly, 10 seconds later, I look back at Liam and Luke, like, so fast. I look back at Liam and Luke, and they're both, like, shoulder. Not, like, shoulder depth in the ocean. Like, they walked out that far. Just the wave came in that much, and they were both, like, on their bellies, and just their heads were, like, popping up over the wave. And Luke is just. Just screaming, crying, my shoe. My shoe. Ah, the waves getting me. And sweet Liam, he's my tender boy. He's trying to help Luke up and help Luke get his shoe. And Luke has crocs, so they're just, like, these blue crocs floating right by him. And my boys are still, like, really high up on the shore. It's just the wave came in, and they both from chasing the waves, fell, and now their clothes are soaking wet. Their, like, heads are just over the water because they're laying on their bellies now, and the waves have just completely come over them. And if you've ever been an experience like that, you know, the sand. The sand is freaking next level. It is now in all of your clothes. It's in every pocket you can imagine. It's in your ears. It's in your hair. It's freaking everywhere at that point. And I was like, oh, shoot. And I, like, sprint back over to them, and we weren't far. It was just the idea of, like, I wasn't right there. Just bend over and pick them up. So. So without a second thought, I just sprint over them. I'm still holding Drew. I'm in jeans and a cute sweater. Felt very great about my outfit that day. And I just ran right into. Right into the water. So I'm, like, into about my knees now in my jeans, which wet jeans hits different. Wet jeans just wet jeans with salty, sandy water hits different. The most. Okay, so that's how I'm feeling in my clothes. And that's not even on my mind. Like, my clothes. The fact that I'm holding a baby while running into the ocean to get my other two boys, none of that is even on my mind. I just think, like, get there. Like, get there. Go get them. Get her. And I. And I just think that's so cool, as mothers, me and you, that that is what our mind will do when we know our kids need us, even if it means we get our clothes soaked. Maybe you had an experience before where one of your kids fell into a pool and you just jump right in after them. I've had experiences like that. I have two younger sisters, and I'm 13 years older than them. We had a pool in our backyard growing up, and I remember distinctly there was like four times my sisters fell into the pool, and I just jumped in with all my clothes on to get them instead of, like, walking around the. Around the pool. And I remember my mom even told me one time, tessa, you know, you could have just like, walked around the pool and got there in time. And in my mind, like, no, I gotta get there now. Like, like, she's underwater. I gotta get there now. And walking around the pool, like, no. And it's just that, like, that inner sense of urgency that we know, like, this is actually crucial. This is actually important. I'm gonna hurry up and get there right now. And that's what I did for Liam and Luke. That moment and holding Drew and I just felt so powerful. Like, my mind felt so clear. It wasn't racing with worst case scenarios or things that don't matter, like my phone in my pocket or the jeans getting wet or I'm holding this baby. Like, none of that even considered where Marcus was at. I'm just like, see ya. I'm going and getting them. Um, and he was right behind me. And anyway, I. I pull Luke up to his feet and Liam stands back up. I grab the croc and I walk him out of the water. And Luke's crying. And the whole time I felt so calm. Just calm and powerful and clear minded. And just like my energy was this safe space like that. That's how I could just imagine it happening for him. Like, oh, my mom's here. Like, thank God my mom is here. And I want to be that. I want to be that. I want you to be that. And that's. That's just what we are when our kids go through the hardest things. Even if we've had hard moments with our kids, which we all have. Hello. Hi. I'm raising my hand. They. They want us there. They want us there for their hard moments and the times that they need help back onto their feet or they feel terrified because the wave is crashing over them. They're not quite sure what to do, and they definitely don't want to lose their new Crocs. And I'm helping my boys out of the water, and I'm telling him, gosh, that was so scary, huh? And Luke's like, yeah, the wave got me and knocked me down. He's, like, crying hysterically. I know, buddy. I know. And we're walking back out, right? And I'm trying to reassure him, like, I'm here. We're safe. We're walking out. We'll stay away from the water. He's like, I don't like that ocean. That ocean's mean. And, you know, I'm just talking him through it. And sweet Liam goes, yeah, my brother fell, and I ran over there to help him. And then I felt, too, and he was just emphasizing how, like, I wanted to help my brother. And that's something that I often talk with my boys about, is, this is your brother, and it's always important to help your brother, and you guys protect each other. And, you know, if anyone is mistreating your brother, it's okay for you to stand up for them and say, hey, be nice to my brother. And we've talked about that several times. And they'll even say it to me and Marcus like, hey, be nice to my brother. And I'm like, well, the lesson. The lesson's coming. The lesson's been learned. And my point in sharing this story of, you know, just that that moment of them falling over the ocean is I have experience like that as a little girl, too, and it was handled completely differently. Like, I was yelled at, like, I told you to stay out of the water, and, you know, shamed. Like, you never listen. And, I mean, meanwhile, I'm just feeling terrified, not freaking knowing what just happened. Pretty sure I was winning the game, running to the wave, and running away from it, and then I just freaking fell. I don. Like, I felt so innocent as a kid, and the way it was handled was really hurtful. And I also know that everyone in my life, as when I was a kid did the best they could. They all tried so hard, and they didn't have as many tools as I have. They didn't have as many resources as I have. They didn't have as much interest or perspective and. And value for this. This work of, like, personal development and the way that I'm choosing to show up as I have, and. And I'm okay with that. Like, I. I am so grateful for every person in my life and all the ways that they've handled things, because I wouldn't be who I am. Today if it weren't for all of them. And I think that's something that's really important for us to keep in mind, is as we have these experiences as mothers with our kids, they may look a lot like the experiences that we had as kids, too. And those are the exact opportunities that we need to. To prove that it can be done in a different way. It can be done in a more peaceful way, a more calm way, a more grateful way, a more exciting, enthusiastic way. Like your kid, from your kids showing you artwork. Maybe your parents said something that felt really hard and critical and harsh to hear, and you decide to make it like this enthusiastic, wonderful deal where you take interest and ask questions about the picture that could possibly be what you wanted as a kid, right? The response that you wanted to have as a kid. And it's different than the response that you got, and that's valid. And how would you know as a mother right now that that's the way you want to parent, that that's the response that you want to give your kids and do so intentionally if it weren't for the life experiences that you had already? So I am a big advocate, a firm believer that our past can stay exactly as it is. And we can find all new purpose to our pain. We can find all new meaning for all the things that we've been through. Because there's no way you would be who you are today. And better yet, who you're becoming. I don't know about you. I'm still becoming. I'm still learning who I want to be and what that looks like and how she shows up and what I need to learn in order to get there. And I'm sure you are, too. And as we are on this road of improvement and development, we're going to have our shortcomings right where we stumble and we slip out of alignment. And that's okay. And while all that's going on, we can understand goodness. I'm so grateful for my life experiences that taught me how important it is the way I show up to my kids when they fall in the ocean instead of caring about their wet clothes. I did not. I didn't even think about my boys wet clothes until we're on this trail, walking back to the car, and both my boys are still crying and upset. And one of my favorite things to do as a mom is to just bring a little bit of healthy distraction into circumstances like that. Because just like us, our ma, our kids can get hooked on a thought pattern and just keep thinking it over. And over and over and upsetting themselves. So if Luke keeps thinking, I found the ocean and I'm soaking wet and the wave, I don't like that ocean. I never want to come here again. If he just keeps thinking that he doesn't think about anything else, is he going to feel better? No, no. And it's still valid that he just went through all of that. And one of the best things that I can do for him in that moment is help him think about more. Help him think about more than what he's already got going on. And that's part of bringing perspective into the mix. So I start telling this made up joke. I literally just made up a joke in that moment because I didn't know what else to say really. So I was like, well, I can make up a joke. And we're obviously in the redwoods. I'm thinking about bears kinda. And Liam and Luke are walking in front of me and. And they're both like whining. And I go, hey, Liam, what did the polar bear say to the black bear and Liam? Like, both my boys instantly, instantly stopped. Like, they're like whining cry that they were both doing as we were walking back. They both instantly stop and it's clear that they're like thinking. And Liam's like, he gets this little smirk and he's like. And then there's this pause and then Luke goes to not get in the water. We're just, all. All of us are just cracking up laughing at that sweet little answer that he had. This lighthearted moment that we were able to have. All because, truly all because the way I decided to show up when my boys fell in the water, because if I were to have showed up differently then, like, if I showed up the same way that adults showed up for me when I fell in the water, I. I would not be in the mental state to start cracking jokes and to stay gentle and compassionate and not be annoyed with the whining and crying, right? I would have already been triggered by the whole thing and then handled it poorly with my kids. So they're triggered with me too. And then my spouse is probably in a bad mood too, because let's face it, mom set the freaking tone, right? It would be this whole chain reaction between us. And then as they're whining and crying on the trail back to the car, I'm just feeling pissed about that too. Like, of course you guys are whining and crying right now. Like I told you, we're almost to the car. I told You, I have a change of clothes for you in the car. Stop crying. None of that is going to be effective in those moments. Like, my kids already feel upset about the water, the ocean, that was very scary for them. And they don't want to be in my clothes for a kid either. So I'm telling you that your circumstances can stay exactly the same, right? My kids can get too close to the water and they can fall in the water and they can have sandy soaked clothes and I can run into the water after them and now I have sandy soaked jeans, right? All of this can happen just the same. And I can choose how I'm going to respond, how I'm going to respond in those moments. Am I going to repeat what I went through in my childhood or am I going to make this an opportunity of a new experience for them? And for me, motherhood is truly this beautiful opportunity to find that purpose in your childhood, the painful moments that you went through. Because we, we relive so much of it with our kids on a daily basis through their childhood, through the things that they're doing. So yes, we may get triggered by what they're doing. Like the, the whining, the crying, the falling in the water. Luke threw up on our, on our car ride too. Like, all these things can remain the same and they can remind you, right? They can trigger memories and experiences for you from your past childhood. And maybe those were times for you that led to very unsafe circumstances where you were yelled at, you were shamed, you were criticized, you were judged, you were abused in those moments, like all those things that you went through. And it can feel really triggering when our kids go through it too, right? Because when my kids fall in the water, like, part of my mind is remembering when I fell in the water as a kid and how that was handled because that's what our experiences do. Our mind loves to make predictions and it loves to pull in our past experiences to make predictions. So all that can still happen. And I can consciously choose who I am as a mother, how I'm choosing to handle this. And because of my past experiences in my own childhood, I understand the importance of it. And to me, it becomes non negotiable. And it can become that way for you too. And it takes that proactive, consistent work and your mindset and your identity and in these intentional responses. So it makes a lot of sense why motherhood can feel so freaking triggering for us because our kids are doing so many of the things that were not safe for us to do as kids. And I mean, every mother I've ever met has wanted to rewrite that narrative, has wanted to create a different experience for herself and her kids in that. And I'm telling you right now that you can do that. There is a way for you to do that. And I love that I can share these stories with you and resources with you to help you be able to do that more effectively. Right. So I'm inviting you to join me on this opportunity, the next circumstance that unfolds for you, and maybe it's your kids whining about breakfast, and maybe that was a time as a kid when you were often yelled at because you whined about breakfast and when it was going to come. I want you to see that next circumstance as your opportunity to handle it exactly the way that you would just feel so thrilled about, because I'm telling you the way that I ran into that ocean after my boys and I helped him out of the water, and we walked on the trail and I said the joke, and I got them all changed up outside of our car into the new clothes that I me. I thought to bring those. And that was just another moment where it's like, yes, I thought to bring these clothes. I'm so proud of myself. Like, this is great. And I'm focusing on my efforts and what a great job we're doing as a family, caring for one another. And my boys give me so many opportunities of healing and growth, and I give them so many opportunities to feel safe and connected and loved. And I'm grateful that we get to serve each other in that way. So the next time that you have a circumstance come up that might be typically triggering for you, use one of those. Maybe your kids are fighting bedtime, they're whining about breakfast. They've hit each other during the day like the siblings do. Whatever it is, I want you to choose a circumstance that tomorrow, or maybe you're listening to this early enough in the day, you're going to decide that that is now your opportunity. That circumstance has just become the very opportunity you need to become the person you say you want to be. The opportunity is already here. The opportunities are in our circumstances. It's such a beautiful thing. So. So you're going to take that and you're going to decide, this is my opportunity to become who I. Who it is that I say I want to be. And the key to this is to think about it proactively rather than reactively. So I need you rehearsing, mentally rehearsing in your mind what that moment is going to look like when it turns into an opportunity. Meaning what are your kids doing? How do you feel in that moment that your kids are doing that thing? Maybe normally you feel really triggered. You feel very reactive. You feel kind of out of control, very rushed, like this urgency about you. And maybe now you're deciding to feel calm, to feel peaceful, to feel loving, to feel compassionate. And this is just visualization so you can decide that you're going to feel however the frick you want to. And you have every ability within you to create those feelings. We create our own feelings. So use this visualization exercise as a proactive way to prepare for your opportunity by mentally rehearsing how wonderful it's going to go, how wonderful you're going to handle that. And I'm going to tell you, I have never once mentally rehearsed running into the ocean after my boys and that moment. I have mentally rehearsed so many. I mean, I would argue thousands of circumstances with my kids. I have mentally rehearsed them out because I want to be better at handling them. I want to be better at handling the expected moments and the unexpected moments. And that's gonna come from my daily mental conditioning that I'm doing, the journaling that I'm doing, the emphasis that I put on my mindset, and the thoughts that I'm allowing to steer my day. I've gotta be the one intentionally deciding those things if I'm gonna see the benefits of it. Right? So you're going to intentionally think about that circumstance, how it becomes your opportunity, and ask yourself, how do I feel when this happens now? Not just how you always feel about it. No. How do you want to feel about it? Do you want to feel peaceful about it? Do you want to feel accepting? Do you want to feel compassionate? Great. That's how you're feeling. What are you thinking about that now that your kids have done that? What are you thinking about it? This is hard for them. This is easier for me than it is for them. I have way more resources available to me than they do. I have a massive capacity to listen and to understand and to provide that. That love to them that they're seeking right now. I have massive capacity for that. Change your thoughts and you will change your feelings. And then ask yourself, what am I doing? What am I doing now? How am I interacting with them? What questions am I asking? How am I steering them towards the right resource? Am I stroking their hair to their face? Have I placed my hand on their shoulder or on their back? Have I brought Them in closer to me? Did I pick them up while they were talking to me about this? Did I give them a utensil in the kitchen and off and invite them in to help with me? What am I doing? Immensely. Rehearse what that looks like. Your brain is fabulous. It has imaginative capacity that it's just mind blowing. It's mind blowing that we can close our eyes and think about those moments. It's so wonderful that we can do that. I mean, it's just such a wonder that our mind can do that. So use it to your advantage. Close your eyes. The circumstance that usually you have a hard time handling, I want you to flip it into an opportunity. This is the opportunity that I need to prove to myself that I am becoming who it is that I want to be. And as you close your eyes and you're in that moment, how are you feeling? Feeling calm, Feeling peaceful, Feeling compassionate? Feeling understanding? Feeling curious? Okay, this is what's going on right now. And then what am I thinking? I'm thinking that they're doing the best they can. I'm thinking that this is my chance to handle it in a way that I feel proud of. I'm thinking that this is easier for me than it is for them, right? That I have an enormous capacity to listen and understand and offer love. Enormous capacity for that. And what am I doing? And just physically, like literally close your eyes and visualize what you are physically doing. How you're touching them, the way you're looking at them. Have you dropped down to their level? Are you making eye contact? Are you waving your hand and say, come, follow me. And taking them to a new room in the house to change it up a little bit. Like, what are you doing? And that visualization can be so huge. So I just, I want you to know that truly our kids opportunity, our kids childhood is our opportunity to rewrite a lot of our childhood too, which is so healing and to have a lot of compassion for our own parents, the people that raised us, our, our guardians, our influences, because they were truly doing the best they could too, to their own mental and physical capacity. And we're all humans. We're all people. And we've got baggage and we've got hardship and it comes out in really ugly ways sometimes. And I'm telling you that it is, it's such a burden for you to bear and to continue carrying this really judgmental perspective of other people. And not, not because like, I never think that way about people. It's because I've worked so hard to start thinking a new way about other people. Because I realized the consequences that were happening in my own life when I continued thinking with such anger and such negativity and such judgment and criticism towards other people. And I just. I just know that we can focus on ourselves first and changing our own behavior, our own beliefs, our own emotions, our own responses before we go judging other people for theirs. Like, we have plenty to focus on, plenty to work on within ourselves, um, before we go thinking about other people and the. When we allow ourselves to really think about the people of our lives and who's raised us and what they've been through, the trauma they're carrying, the limited resources, the limited perspective, the limit of tools, whatever it was, the hard place they found themselves in and. And just how difficult it would be to live life that way. That's brought a lot of healing to me. So I hope it helps you a whole lot. I hope you view your. The childhood you're creating for your kids as an opportunity to heal your own childhood and to create a motherhood that goodness you would be so proud of seeing play out and carry through and many, many generations to come, because that's what's happening. And I think it's. I think it can be such a blessing for us when. When we really lean into it and we have a lot of surrender in the process. I love you dearly. I'm so grateful that I get to do this work with you, and I will be talking to you real, real soon. Oh, my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.