8. What Do You Identify With?

Hello, my beautiful friend, and welcome to the Mind Body Alignment Podcast. This is a place for us to come together and not only understand who we are, but how to become exactly who we want to be while developing the right skills and tools to help us do so. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and I can't wait to get started. Well, welcome back, my cute friend. I'm so glad you're here, because today we are going to be talking about being careful with what you identify with. This is such an important skill for you to have, and it relates directly to your identity, which is why it belongs right here on episode eight of the Mind Body Alignment Podcast with your favorite coach, Tessa Romero. Here we go. So being careful with what you identify with means that if you find yourself constantly reacting to things that people say to and about you, well, that might be because part of you identifies with what they're saying. So that's just a really simple way to say it and a basic example to think about that can be a little bit easier to comprehend. Think about what color hair you have. So if you're unfamiliar with me, I have blonde hair. So if someone walked up to me and said, tessa, I hate your brown hair, I would be a little bit confused, right? Because I know I have blonde hair. So I would respond with, what do you mean I have blonde hair? And they could come back and say, no, no, no, you have brown hair and it's hideous. I hate it, it's ugly. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And again, that would not resonate with me at all because no part of me believes that I have brown hair. I know for a fact that I have blonde hair. So I'm more looking at them with confusion, like, what are you talking about? Why are you saying these things? This is so not true about me. None of that sinking in. I'm looking at them and making observations now. They could go on and on. And again, at some point, I would just say, okay, well, agree to disagree, right? We would just end the conversation and walk away. And I would leave all of whatever's going on with them with them, because it's not mine to carry, okay? Whatever they're going through, not mine now. So you could think about that hair color example. Maybe now think about something a little bit more difficult, like when it comes to your personality traits about you and the things that you consider to be a part of your identity, think about that same example in that way. So I'm going to use the example of me being a grudge holder. I grew up my whole Life hearing that I was a grudge holder. Tessa will never let it go. She'll never get over it. That was just the common talk, and I've told you guys that before. So if someone were to walk up to me and say, oh my gosh, you're such a grudge holder, why don't you just let it go? I don't make an observation like, what do you mean? I'm not a grudge holder. I am compassionate and forgiving and really great at applying empathy. Like, that's not my initial response because part of me identifies with being a grudge holder, not being able to let things go, struggling with turning to anger and cutting people off. Like, that's totally something I did my entire life. And only recently in the past few years have I been able to explore more of that. Empathy, compassion, forgiveness, self forgiveness, self love, things like that that have helped me. But if they are throwing that grudge holder at me, I identify with it. So I get more reactive about it. There's no more observation. It gets very difficult to observe. So that's an example that speaks to me. Think about things in your life. If you have part of your identity tied up in being a disconnected mother, and a family member or a friend walks up to you and says, oh my gosh, why don't you just stay present with your kids? Or you're not paying attention to your kids, if they say those things and you already identify as a mother that is disconnected, that's going to get a huge response out of you. And that's what's going to trigger that anger and feeling like you have to defend yourself and. Or feeling that shame that comes down like, oh, my God, I'm found out, I need to hide. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't talk about this. Like, that's the shame. And we want to hide from shame. Shame can be very difficult to process in one moment. And that's why these skills can be so helpful for you that I coach you through in the Mind Body alignment program itself. But just being aware in general of what you identify as is a huge tool for you. So even if someone were to say, like, oh, you're so disconnected, you need to pay attention to your kids, you can observe in that moment, like, hold on a second, what's going on here? Like, why is this affecting me so badly? What do I need? You can pull in on some different skills and tools instead of just being defensive and reacting to things. And another really important thing to keep in mind about your Identity is you decide who you are every single day. You decide if you are intentional and productive or. Or inconsistent and lazy. And that self talk is going to sink into your mindset and your actions, so be careful with that. But it doesn't matter if people say kind things about you or unkind things about you, mean things about you. It doesn't matter what they're saying because you are going to believe whatever you want to believe. Whatever you identify with is what you're going to believe. That's why I don't believe that I have brown hair. I don't know. It could make me believe that I have brown hair. That's such a simple way to think about things as a visual. Now, if someone says kind things to you, it's up to you to believe them. So if someone were to walk up to you and say, oh my gosh, you're so beautiful, you're so brilliant. Wow, you're such a playful, energetic mother. I love how creative you are, you could very easily say, oh, my gosh, no, I'm not. They have no idea. Blah, blah, blah, like, deflect that compliment, but. Or you could choose to say, wow, like, it feels so good to be seen. It feels so good that they see this in me because I already know that's who I am. So you can accept these things. Yes. And it can feel great for people to compliment us, but again, you're deciding to accept that compliment or deflect it. And the same thing, if someone were to say something mean to you, if it's something that you believe to be true about yourself, it's going to hit a whole lot fricking harder than something that you really don't identify with at all. And then you're looking at that person more confused, like, what are you going through that you find it necessary to say these things to me? Because I think it's a little ridiculous. But really, I want you to consider compliments in general. Like all the. Even the most positive, wonderful compliments that we can hear. Consider it like a cherry on top of your sundae. Right? A cherry's nice, but you can still have a sundae without those compliments. If you're not receiving compliments on a regular basis, build your own Sunday. Compliment yourself. Get crystal clear with your identity, and then practice a mindset, that game plan. And that leads to the actions that reaffirm the identity and get into that cycle of identity, mindset actions, identity mindset actions to help yourself become who you want to be. That way you have a wonderful Sunday sitting in front of you every single day that you're building for yourself. And if somebody decides to compliment you, you know they're a cherry on top. Like, yeah, I'll take a freaking cherry, sure, but I don't need it. I've still got a beautiful Sunday right here. So that's just something I want you guys to keep in mind as far as compliments go. But a really important thing to keep in mind about your identity is if you don't choose who you are, someone else will. And chances are you won't like that version of you at all. Because hurt people, hurt people. People are constantly just throwing what they think about themselves onto you and other people, when in reality, hurt people hurt people. Okay? So a lot of times, whatever someone's saying about you doesn't have much to do with you as much as it does to do with them. If someone's in a wonderful mood and they're just like, all the energy, I'm gonna compliment this person in the grocery store. Like, I will compliment people in the grocery store. Not because they're making eye contact with me or because they're acknowledging me, but because I feel so good about myself. I want other people to feel that too. I want to give that away. I want people. The mom that's looking down, I want to say, hey, I love your hair. It is so beautiful. And whether or not she accepts that compliment, I want to give it to her. And when we think about people that are not complimenting, and maybe they're doing the very opposite of that, putting people down, how do they feel about themselves? It's so easy to give what you have, but you can't give what you don't have. So if you don't have self love, how are you going to give love? If you don't have all this self hate, how are you going to give hate? It's the same thing. So really, this episode is designed for you to get crystal clear on your identity. I'm encouraging you to do that a little bit more. And if there are parts of you that you find if someone touches that button, you're like, set off, triggered, can't do this anymore. Think about that. Why do you think this way about yourself? Why did I believe that I was this grudge holder? Well, I believed I was a grudge holder because I heard it my whole life. But why did I hear it my whole life? Well, my boundaries weren't respected. I didn't have emotional stability to be able to talk about the things that I was going through or learn how to freaking process through them. Like that's going to make a big difference in someone being able to understand forgiveness and someone never being able to heal and constantly throwing their anger around. That's what I used to do. And it wasn't until, like I said four or five years ago that I was like, oh man, I don't really enjoy being angry. Yeah, no, this one isn't serving me anymore. How can I get better at this? And there was a lot of work that went into me becoming who I am today. But again, I want to encourage you. You can be exactly who you want to be without fear of judgment or failure, even if you've made mistakes in the past. Oh, my gosh, I have made mistakes in the past. Tons of things that I'm not proud of. But you know what? I can look at every single one of those things without shame. Because I know why I've done what I've done. I know why I did what I did in all of the things. And I really have always been doing the best I can. Just like you, if you sit down and think about the things that you've done that maybe you're not proud of, consider why you did them. Don't just look at the thing, look at the why you did it. Have some empathy and compassion for yourself. To say, oh my gosh, like, I was just this little girl, hurting, alone, afraid, unable to process my emotions, doing the very best I could with what I had. And that's what all that's what anybody is doing. They're doing the very best they can to their mental and physical capacity. But anyway, if I can change, you can change. Please just believe that with your whole heart. Hang out with me here on this podcast. Join me on my Instagram account, Tessaromero underscore and I want to help you become exactly who you want to be without fear of judgment or failure. And because I know you can do it, you just need the right process to get you there. And that's what I've created for you in my Mind Body Alignment coaching program. So when you're ready, click that link, apply. I'll reach out to you directly and we can see if my program's a great fit for you. But until then, I love you bunches sister. I hope you're having a wonderful week and taking care of yourself, prioritizing yourself. Please feel free to rate this podcast and leave a review if you feel called to do so. And I cannot wait to chat more next week. Week. I'll see you later. It is such a wonderful privilege of mine to be here with you in this space. And I hope that you find all the value out of our time together.