81. Seamless Service and How To Do It Well!

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Welcome back, my beautiful friend. I'm so grateful that you're here and I really believe that this podcast episode, this topic of Seamless Service is going to be something that changes not only your holiday season, which I want this to be the best, best, best season for you because there's so much goodness that just gets radiated around us and, and we can contribute to that light in really profound ways that not only enriches our life and the lives of others, and Seamless service is a wonderful way to do so. Before we dive into this topic and how it serves you through the holidays and really every single day of your life, I wanna let you know that the enrollment, the signups for my three day retreat called Revive, are now open for you. They're gonna be closing soon because we have to get everybody enrolled so we know that who's coming. We can start getting to know you and getting ready to serve you the absolute best way possible at Revive in February. So Revive is my three day retreat just for women looking to accelerate their healing and growth by going through emotional release and regulation, learning the practical tools that they can take home and implement both for emotions and mindset. So this is a great place for you to come be vulnerable, connect with other women and see yourself just blossom in the safety here and know how to take that home back, back, back home with you. Excuse me. That's really important that you understand about Revive. It's not just about what you experience there. No. The environment that we create there is so powerful because in person, connection accelerates healing and growth. When you're able to feel somebody and they're talking to you and you're making eye contact, you can study the color of their eyes, you can just feel their voice touch your skin and you can feel the energy of their emotions. Those vibrations move through you, too, and just show up fully as who you want to be. You start teaching your mind and your body that this is who you are, this is what you do, this is how you feel. And we break past these boundaries and barriers that we've put on ourselves that were never meant to be there in the first place. We only put those there for a temporary amount of time to try and keep us safe. And maybe you've been holding onto those just boundaries you've put on yourself and barriers for 5, 10, 15, 20, over 20 years. And it's time that we finally let those go. It's time that we put those down. And that's what Revive allows us to do. It really is your revival, and it's the only Revive retreat that I'm hosting for 2024. So this February retreat is the only one that I'm doing of 2024. Our next one will be in 2025, so I really hope to see you there. It'd be such a blessing to accelerate your healing and growth journey. Okay, so details for Revive are in the show notes below. Let's start talking about seamless service. So how this came up in the first place was over on my Instagram account at Tessaromero. Underscore. I love to just share, like, daily snippets of mindset at work so we can just see how it really shows up in every area of our life and the cool ways that we can be implementing it in this really peaceful, harmonious way that finally feels good instead of having these dreadful thoughts of, of course I have to do this because nobody else will. Which doesn't feel good. Right? We start to build resentment. We have lots of negativity. And then we find ourselves being, like, scared, snippy, and irritable towards our family members who we say we love the best. So we're gonna work on that, this idea of seamless service. I was over on my Instagram and my husband is so wonderful. Friends. He is so wonderful. I really believe that we are just meant for each other. We're just paid for each other. We compliment each other so well. And there are times that I have totally just taken this negative Nancy victim mentality when he has taken out the trash and didn't replace the bags. And for some of you, that might seem so silly. It's a real. It was a real thing for me, like, a real thing for a really long time. And maybe there's something like that for you in your marriage. Like, maybe they. They drink an energy drink and when they finish it, they just leave the can on the counter instead of putting in the trash. Or they finish the toilet paper and they don't replace the roll. Or they take off their clothes and they get so close to the laundry basket and don't quite make it in. These are all examples very similar to taking out the trash and not replacing the B. So use the one that works best for you. My point, though is I opened the trash and I tossed something into it because my mind says, there's a trash bag. This is the trash. Throw the trash into the trash can. And then I hear the object hit the bottom of the plastic. And I was like, oh, there's no bag in there. So I look and then it just like dawns on me, Just clicks in my mind. And it was really cool how this. I mean, most perspectives that I find, they come through lived experience. They come in the moment. They don't come because I'm just like sitting down thinking, what's another way to view my husband not replacing the trash bag? Like, that's not how I get new perspectives. I get new perspectives just in the moment. So in the moment I'm looking at this trash can, it's missing the bags, and now I have this piece of garbage at the bottom of the plastic. And it just dawns on me that my husband took it upon himself to take out the garbage, and then he moved right on to the next task. My husband is a very intentional, productive, service oriented man. And there's just no way he would say, you know, I'm not going to replace the bags because I shouldn't have to, or I'm not going to replace the bags because, you know, I just really think that would get under my wife's skin, or I just want to see how inconvenient it would be for the next person to come throw garbage in the trash can, have it hit the bottom of the plastic, and then they put the bags in. Like, those were not his thoughts. Those are not his intentions at all. I know that for a fact because I know who my husband is. And then when I consider that perspective of how he went right on to the next task, because it's just who he is to keep going. He works hard, he's gonna. He's going to see the next need that needs to be filled and do it. So how come I'm not doing that? How come I'm not just seeing a need and doing it? Wow. And then it just kind of dawned on me, like, serve seamlessly. And this, this word Seamless came into my mind, and it just felt like, so reviving, so renewing, so refreshing of, like. Yes. It's not about keeping score and tally marks. And of course, I have to, because no one else will, or I've told you a million times to finish the task and put the bag in like this. This moment right here is actually my opportunity to serve seamlessly alongside my husband, which is such a strength in marriage. That's what I want my marriage to be like. I want us to both see needs and fill them. I want us to both work seamlessly with one another. That people can come into our home, and you're not quite sure who does what or when they do it or how it all functions, how it all works, because we work so seamlessly, and that's. That's the way we function. So that's where the idea of seamless service came about. I just. I got the bags, and I felt so joyful and glad to do it, and I replaced them, and it literally. I timed it. It took me 21 seconds. 21 seconds to put these trash bags in. Like, it's not even this big deal. And that's what I've noticed, too, with a lot of times when it comes to the way we have this opportunity to serve other people, it does not take a lot of time. I really started, like, being mindful of time while I was doing things for people in my family, like with my boys. They are very eager to get their jackets out of the closet, and sometimes, like, other things fall off the hangers when they're getting their jacket out. And I just think that it would feel so good to come into my closet and everything is hung up where it needs to be. And that's something I want to do for my kids. I appreciate their independence to get their jacket out and that they're still learning how to only get that jacket out and down. So I love to, like, hang their clothes back up. That takes me less than a minute every morning. I love to make my boys beds. I love to make their beds, and it takes me less than a minute. I mean, I'll make chicken bone broth in the morning. I stopped drinking coffee back in August, so it's been a few months now. Love that change, by the way. And now that it's getting cold, I'm, like, really wanting something warm in the morning. So I started sipping on chicken bone broth, and it's so, so good. I highly recommend that swap. And I decided, like, I'm gonna make Marcus a cup too. That Takes the same amount of time. It takes the same amount of time to make him a cup of something that I'm making for myself or to serve his family plate. When I'm serving the kids and I in my plate like it, it doesn't require a lot of time to do very thoughtful acts intentionally for your family and to do it seamlessly. So in all this, this idea of service, I really just feel like serving has become something that has been, it's just had like a negative narrative built around it and it's made it very difficult for us to remember that we're actually made to serve. That's what, what else are we, what are we freaking here for? What is life really about if you don't think you have a purpose to serve others? I mean, how big, how grand, how wonderful, how loving can our life really be if it's all about us? And it's so self centered and it's not, who can I give this extra one to and how can I support them through the holidays? Like, who cares how much money you have if you're not like using it to help other people? How many bedrooms are in your home if they're not full, if you're not inviting people to come stay with you? How much food is in your fridge, how much food's in your pantry if you're not making meals? If we don't consider how profound and necessary service is to our well being, we are missing a huge opportunity to just increase our self worth, our purpose, our passion, our enthusiasm and our energy in life. Because I really believe that we're meant to serve. And when you're not serving, then you're going to feel unfulfilled. You're not going to feel unfulfilled because you're serving too much. That's not where the unfulfillment's gonna come. The unfulfillment's gonna come when we stop serving or we start doing things out of, out of the work. Like, oh, this is just my job to do this. And we stop thinking about service and we start keeping score. So these are kind of like three things that come to mind for me when it comes to, when it comes to this resentment and this negative narrative around service. Number one, you're keeping score. You're thinking that everything you do is a tally on your scorecard and then you're counting up everybody else's tallies too to make sure that you're doing the most and you can just prove this point. So number one, keeping score and is A way to just kill the heart of service. We don't want to do that. Number two is when we build a victim mentality that says, I have to do this because nobody else will. Like this. Have to concept. I have to feed the baby, I have to prepare the meals, I have to make the beds, I have to hang up their clothes, I have to replace the trash bag, I have to put his clothes in the laundry. I have to go around and make sure the toilet paper is all stocked. You don't have to do any of those things. That's a really important, just pivotal moment in your mindset is when you agree and accept that everything's a choice. If you are choosing to go replace the roll of toilet paper, that's your freaking choice. You don't have to do that. Even if you say, tess, you don't understand, if I don't do it, no one else will. That's fine. You've just decided it means that much to you that you're going to do it. It's not because somebody made you, Especially someone not willing to do it. How the frick are they gonna make you do it? They're not even willing to do it. There's no fat freaking chance that somebody not willing to do something that they want me to do is gonna make me do it. Someone not willing to exercise, wake up early, have that morning routine. Someone not willing to read the Bible. They are not gonna be the ones that make me do it. There's no freaking way. There's no way. And yet I'm still gonna do those things. Not because someone made me, because it's what I wanna do. I wanna know the stories of the Bible myself. I want to be able to speak for myself. I want to be able to answer my kids questions about God and Jesus and to have a shared family belief system around that that we can fall into and to. To all have this strong faith that if anything were to happen to me or my spouse or my kids or any, you know, anybody that we have this strong faith to, to surrender into and to take care of us through those hard times, that's what I want. And it's certainly not going to come from people that aren't willing to do that, right? So no one's making us do these things, especially people that aren't willing to do it themselves. Like that is a little bit of an absurd belief system to allow your mind to have. So take ownership over that, have the opportunity to just correct it. A little bit of everything that I do is a Choice. It's a choice I make. And sometimes I'm not very proud of my choices. And that's okay because I can learn from them. I can grow from them. So that first piece was the tally score. That second piece is the. The idea of that victim mentality. I have to, because nobody else will. And really, the third piece is when we're creating tension and we're calling attention to our service. And what I mean by that is, like, it's. The service only feels fulfilling for you if it's recognized by others. And if you're getting a lot of this, like, validation and appreciation, like, oh, my gosh, thank you so much, so much for doing that. And I have an example of this. Last night, I fed my dogs. I've just been like, my radar's been going off about seamless service because I've been. I made you guys a 70 acts of seamless service. Free little freebie to kind of just inspire your mind to see where you could be serving seamlessly and how to do this in a really beautiful way. So anyway, it's been a big focus for me lately. And last night, my husband. Just to give you some context here, my husband usually feeds and waters our dogs and pretty much takes care of them entirely. Every morning, every night, throughout the day, he'll throw the ball for them. Like, he does a wonderful job taking care of them. And it's something that I. I don't even think twice about. Cause he just takes. He just takes care of it. And I do know that when he does bedtime, I've just noticed this. When he does bedtime, I mean, last night was his turn to do bedtime. He will go feed and water the dogs and bring them inside to sleep. To sleep. After he does bedtime. He doesn't do it before bedtime. He does it after bedtime. And I've noticed that, like, it will take an additional, like, 10 minutes for him because he likes to give them time and, you know, all the things. So it'll take him like an additional 10 minutes after he puts the kids to sleep. And I've been observing this for a really freaking long time. A really long time. And last night I just decided it was 6:50. He was in the room with the boys. I had just finished cleaning the kitchen. I was about to go into my room and fold a basket of laundry, and I thought, I'm gonna feed the dogs. I'm gonna do that. Because if I do that now, I'll be done by seven. He's still doing bedtime. And then I can fold that basket of laundry. Like, I can just do this seamlessly. So I go. I fill up their water bowl. I fill up their dog bowls. I give them their food. I wait, blah, blah, blah. And I bring them inside for the night. And I get that done. And then I go into my room, put sheets on the bed, and fold the basket of laundry. And then my husband. Guys. Oh, I love him. My husband comes into the room, and he. After opening the back door, I heard him open the back door because he was gonna go do his thing, and he noticed it was already done, and he comes into our room, and he says, did you already take care of the dogs? I said, yeah. And he goes, oh, thanks for doing that. And, like, yes, it feels good, right, To. To have someone recognize your efforts and to. To appreciate that thing that you did for them. Right? That feels really nice. And at the same time, I just kind of sat there, like, I, you know, said, you're welcome. And I sat there thinking about how many times he does this. And I don't say thank you. I do not say thank you every morning and every night that he takes care of our dogs. And it's not because I'm a bad wife, right? Like, my husband, I. There. We. I like to think we just serve seamlessly. And when we notice something specific or there's, you know, there's this opportunity. There's this beautiful opportunity to say thank you to one another. We totally do. We express. We express appreciation and gratitude and validation really well with one another. And I do not say thank you every morning and every night that he takes care of the dogs. And the one time, he's been doing this for years, and the one time I did it, he told me thank you, and that was nice to hear. And I was left there sitting and thinking about how many times I haven't said thank you. So I want you to really think about the opportunity that it is to serve seamlessly and do it from your heart. And this comes back to the third point of, like, this tension and this negativity brought to it. So imagine that you're sewing a quilt, right? And we know that quilts have, like, style stitching all over, and we bring fabrics together and all that goodness. And in the quilts that I'm imagining, I'm imagining that this, like, this negativity, this tension, this victim mentality. And the tally score is more of, like, that really ugly seam. Have you ever seen a quilt that you're just like, wow, I can really see where those. Where Those two pieces, like, maybe collided rather than collaborated. Okay. That's kind of the way that I'm just envisioning it in my head is. It's just like there's strings all over the place. Maybe the sewing machine kind of threw up right there on the quilt. It does not look good. It doesn't look seamless. This effortless, this effortless way. Now when you look at some other quilts that are more well done, it. It looks. It looks like, yes, you can see where the different fabrics come together, and at the same time, it looks seamless. Like, you don't see the seams. There's no tension and negativity bringing these fabrics together. It's so beautiful the way that it's done. You can see this whole pattern, this whole beautiful design in this quilt. And that's what I want our seamless service to be. It's not this all or nothing mentality of, oh, Tessa said I need to serve seamlessly. So here's all the things that I have to do now. And nobody is expected to say thank you anymore. Like, that's not it at all. Not at all. I think it's a beautiful thing when we can rely on the people in our home and family and work together. Doing it seamlessly means that you're okay to just show up and see a need and fill it without keeping score, without the victim mentality, without drawing attention to it with tension and negativity. Nobody notices me. Like, instead of any of that, we can keep our hearts pure with the intentions of why we're serving in the first place. And that's seamless service. So I just. I want you to have this seamless service mentality throughout the holiday season going into the next year and every day to follow. If there's something you see that can just easily be done by you, let's just imagine it as our God given opportunity to do it rather than the intentional action of somebody else to piss us off. Like, your husband really didn't put his clothes in the laundry basket just because he wanted to annoy you. Let's just not act like that's a fact. Because it's not a fact. That's one perspective. And you could decide to have a better perspective than that, and it could be a really beautiful perspective that you choose to have instead. Man, he just gets such a hurry sometimes. He, like, he just. He tosses it and he still has fun with the laundry. Like, he still has so much fun that he'll toss his clothes from the bathroom, acting like he's shooting a basketball, and maybe he misses every time, and guess what? He still had a good time. And if I were to take my kids to basketball practice, for example, and they missed the shot every single time, and they still had a good time, it's a success. It's totally a win, right? It's not about making it every time. Efforts over outcomes, remember? And if you are on your way to the closet anyway, what harm does it do you to take the two seconds to pick up the laundry and put it in the basket instead of drawing attention to it? Think about how many reels and pieces of content you've seen on social media about the shortcomings of our spouses and our children. How they don't replace the garbage bag, they miss the laundry basket, they miss the toilet when they go pee, they don't replace the toilet paper roll. They. You know, they do this, this, this, this, this. They let the milk out, like all the little things. And. And then it comes down to this other part, right? Because maybe there's a part of your mind or somebody somewhere listening to this, and someone says, it's about the principle. Does any part of your mind right now think, Tessa, I know it only takes a couple seconds. I know that it's a kind thing for me to do. I know all of these things, right? La dee da. I know all that. And it's about the principle. The principle that they should do these things, that they should take the opportunity to do it. It's about the principle to freaking help me and not put one more thing on my plate. Okay, let's talk about principle, because that's important. What is the principle about you? If we're. If we are looking at a simple way to serve our family and we think that the principle of them serving us is not being met, and then we feel this tension, negativity, resentment, and anger, and then we refuse to serve because they're not serving. What does that principle say about us? To me, the principle, like, if you're focusing on anything in your life, it better be what you control. If you want to feel free and empowered and unstoppable, you have to keep your focus and attention on what is in your control, which is you, the principles you set upon yourself. Because to me, the principle of see a need and fill it is so important, it's so foundational, that I want to instill that in my kids. More than only serve the people serving you, more than don't do, more than someone else is willing to do, I would say the exact opposite of that, serve the people that are learning service. Do that like lead with service, model service. Be. Be the one willing to go the extra mile and do that much more. Be that person. Because you are gonna feel the most fulfilled, the most accomplished, the most purposeful, the most intentional in that entire room. And that's important. The way we feel in this life is important. And we're the only ones creating our feelings. I'm telling you right now, the laundry on the floor does not control you. It does not decide how you feel or what you think about your spouse. It's just a circumstance. It's a fact. The fact is there are maroon boxers on the floor. That's the fact. What you choose to think about it if it was his missed shot at basketball practice or if he did it just to piss you off, that is your thought. That's the. That's the opinion that you're bringing to this. And that creates the feeling. Because I'm going to feel giddy and lighthearted about my husband if I choose to think that we're just, you know, well, we're still playing, we're still very playful people and we like to have fun and we get to serve one another. And this is how we work seamlessly together in our home. Really cool. I'm gonna feel way different with that than if I were to say he does this every day just to piss me off, just to try and prove his own point that he shouldn't have to. That's not a fact. That's not true. And why would he want that? So when we think about principle, it's the principle of it. Yeah. What principles do we want to instill in ourselves, in our kids, and as the morals and values and normals within our home? Personally, I want the principle to be about see a need and fill it. Be willing to do the most. Be willing to help those that are having a hard time. Even if you don't know they're having a hard time. If you really believe that someone is not giving their best effort, think about why, what are they going through that what they have done is their max capacity. And how can you maybe having a greater capacity, a greater span of efforts, more energy to give. Serve them, lighten their load, help them out that need. That's principle. That's so important. So as you think about seamless service, I have this fun free guide for you again. 70 acts of service, seamless service to grow in your home. And again, they're just so simple. They. They take just a second. It's honestly Just an additional thought. It's not like it's this additional hour of your day. It's really just a thought of, oh, my husband's mentioned that he's not. He's feeling a little bit nauseous. I'm gonna pick him up this ginger drink from the store. Like, it's just that extra little thought, that extra little effort. And we serve seamlessly rather than calling the attention, leading with negat negativity and making it about keeping score and who's doing more. Honestly, I hope you are doing the most. Personally, I hope I'm doing the most. I always want to be the person that can function at the capacity, that can do more and can give more and can be up a little bit earlier. Like, and can have more discipline to go to bed earlier. Like, I want to be that person that is readily available to serve others. And I know Phil full well that there will be times that. That I get sick, and there will be times that I'm postpartum. I just gave freaking birth. Like, you know, there are times that I just feel exhausted being up with a newborn. There are times that I humbly and graciously and gladly accept the help from others. I mean, every day I gladly accept the help from others. I just. I love it when I can be the one that helps a lot and sees others. Like, my. If my neighbor's not feeling well, what can I do for her? How can I. What meal can I make for her family? Take a little load off her plate. And then maybe the day that I'm not feeling well, it's reciprocated. And maybe it's not. That's okay. It's not about what we get in return. That's not what makes service fulfilling. Service is fulfilling because of what happens inside of you when you do it. And that's a heart thing. And I want us to have a soft heart and an open mind. So seamless service is the way that we keep the tally score at bay. And I have a free little guide for you that you can download in the show notes below, I'll have it up and available for you. Um, again, the Revive Retreat is the only one we're hosting in 2024. So if you're really ready to just take back your own, your. Your life and your marriage and your merit, your motherhood, you're ready to take these things back and live without the boundaries, live without the barriers you've put up against yourself. You're ready to crash all those down. I'm telling you, Revive is the place to be and I hope to see you there at the only one we're hosting of 2024 and I'll see you real, real soon. My sweet friend. Oh my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.