84. Inspired That I Am In This Place Of My Healing Journey, A Personal Story Of Growth

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. I'm always just full of gratitude when I get to come down here and make a podcast episode that I know is just going to be speaking right to you, like the heart of our community and what connects us together. I just. I love it so much. And today's episode is really special for me because I feel like I'm kind of giving you an update on some progress I've made in my own personal healing journey, which I like to think I make a little bit of progress every day. Like 1% or a little less than that. Better each day, hopefully. And although there's a lot of opportunity for me to continuously show up better for my kids, for my spouse, for you here in the community, there's not always, like, this really prominent opportunity for me to prove something so big to myself and take such a dramatic step in my healing journey. Those opportunities are kind of few and far between because they involve other people and that that dynamic is different than being in my home and deciding, okay, I'm gonna handle tantrums this way today. This is the effort I'm gonna make in my marriage. This is how I'm gonna serve my community and trying to progress and be better for the people that mean the most to me. So it was really cool that I recently had an experience that allowed me to really push myself and prove to myself in a really big way where I'm truly at and experience something like, pretty much unlike anything I've been able to really experience in my healing journey because I needed to be at this point before I could experience this new thing. So I'm gonna, like, break it down the best I can, share the details that I believe are relevant, and I just wanna put, like, a little tip here in the beginning of it that I might use some language. You don't feel comfortable with your kids hearing. Not swear words by any means. I don't personally cuss anyway, so that's easy for me. Just some terminology you may not want them hearing or details, examples that you don't want them hearing. So if you're listening to this episode in the car and your kids are in the car or this is maybe a triggering topic for you, I'm gonna be talking a little bit about my childhood. Just be aware, be mindful, maybe go out for a walk by yourself or have headphones in, fold, fold some laundry while you're listening. I promise it's a really great story and some of the details just might be triggering or something that you don't want your kids hearing right now. So now that we got that little tip out of the way, we can start into the story. So this community is constantly growing and I'm so grateful for that. And because it's constantly growing, I do believe it's important to continue bringing up some of the things that I've been through in my life because it's really easy for people to find my mindset content. Like, oh, she has such a great mindset. She must have had such a great childhood. And oh, it's easy for her because blah, blah, blah, like there's, there's some assumptions that are made about me. And you know, we all make assumptions. This isn't a judgment thing. It's just clarifying why I, why I like to talk about some of the things that I've been through. So part of the story is going to take us further back so that everything's making sense and we can all be on the same page in this community. Because if you're here, you're part of this community. You are the heart of this community. You're the person that I want to serve and I want to do a great job. So some details are necessary recently. Let's start here. So a couple weeks ago I had my mom over to visit us for like a 48 hour trip. Like, it was really fast. Now, I've shared in previous episodes and I'll recap here. My mom and I have been through hell and back 18 times over, like a very intense relationship. And it's just littered with trauma and dysfunction and a lot of hurt on both ends. I have not been the perfect daughter daughter by any stretch of the imagination and vice versa. And it's really not even about the perfection at all. It's just an understanding of. I don't blame my mom. This isn't me judging her at all. It's just giving you an idea of where that relationship stands and being as respectful as possible while being able to tell my side of the story, which I love to teach through story. So my mom's over, and quite honestly, I was dreading her coming because we don't spend much time together. It's. Normally I feel really tense or aggressive, judgmental. And it's just like when I get around her, it's like my body instantly goes to that place. Like, my nervous system takes the information that my eyes have gathered that, oh, she's here, here's the present. So here you go. Body tense up, stay safe, get ready to say something hurtful back, get ready to feel offended, judgmental, and judge the details of her life and, you know, ask the how could use and things like that. And it's like such an automatic process that it takes so much work and effort on my mind, on my end to intentionally slow that down and remain soft and remain vulnerable and remain as who I want to be. Because I don't want to just, like, jump into that. Even if it's a nervous system response. Like, I know it's. It's valid that it's happening, just like your nervous system responses are valid that they're happening. And I wanna be really proactive with my nervous system. I wanna be really intentional with what I condition myself to do because I've got three little kids watching me, and I have a really big purpose in this work so that I can do everything in my power to have a wonderful relationship with my kids for the. For their entire lives. Like, that's a huge purpose and priority for me. And that's why I like to work so hard in my healing journey. Because I know a relationship like that is. Is going to come from a lot of acceptance and love and vulnerability and curiosity. And I'm going to have to teach myself how to do those things because I definitely didn't grow up learning how to do them. So having my mom over was a big stretch for me, and I was pleasantly surprised that it went so well. I like, for one of the first times being around my mom, I felt like I truly enjoyed her presence. Like, I had a completely different perspective of, like, what can I learn from her? Instead of, oh, what does she want now? Or having thoughts of inconvenience or aggression, I just. I really put my focus into the curiosity of what can I learn from her? What is she good at? What do I appreciate about her? And I kept my mind, that space, my whole body just Felt relaxed and soft and just in control of myself. Like, my mom is still the same person. And I believe all people are who they want to be until they want to change. And that's not for me to control. It's my job to control myself. So even though she's still the same person, I feel renewed in my approach to this relationship and honestly, like, quite hopeful of what it could look like. My boys adore her, so to me, it's worth exploring. And I'm also great at boundaries, which I have a whole bunch I can share with you on setting good boundaries that are actually effective. So having my mom over was a different experience this time because I felt soft and I felt genuinely curious and really in control of myself. Now, while my mom was there, I also noticed in this curious state I was in that she was talking about some things that used to really trigger me. I mean, just send me off a freaking ledge, and my entire nervous system would respond with this, like, fight innate response. And it was so intense, and I would feel completely out of control. And she brought up the t the topic of her ex husband, which is my previous stepdad, who. Who was my stepdad for, like, five years of my life. Now again new to this community. I think it's really important that I keep the emphasis on a healing journey. Doesn't have to look like you had this perfect childhood. I really appreciate how. How extraordinarily good and wonderful it is to have a good childhood that's full of peace. Like, I think that's really beautiful, really wonderful. I myself had a very traumatic childhood that was full of chaos and dysfunction and trauma. And I think it's extraordinarily beautiful that I now get to provide a peaceful childhood to my kids and give myself a peaceful life, even though that's how it all started. So both can be good. Even it, like, I appreciate both sides of it. Um, now I set a boundary with my mom probably like, six years ago when I was first learning about boundaries, when I first got pregnant with my son six years ago, that's when I really pursued my healing journey. Because I was looking at who I was being, and I just felt like, gosh, I just don't like this girl. I don't like who I'm being. I don't like how aggressive and mean and harsh I am and how cruel my thoughts can be and my actions. Like, I just. I really didn't like myself. And that showed in all areas of my life. And I didn't like the way I was treating my husband. And when I got pregnant my son, I was like, would I want him to have a wife like the one I'm being? And the answer was a painful no. And. And when I thought about my relationship with my mom and who I was being towards her, regardless of anything else, I just kind of asked myself the same question, like, do I want a relationship with my son like the one I have with my mom? And that was a very painful no. And I knew, like, okay, if you wouldn't want your son to have a marriage like this. And in terms of, like, how the wife treats the husband, my husband's always been very respectful. I'm extremely fortunate that he's given me such a safe space to heal and grow in. And if I've come to this conclusion that I wouldn't want him to have a wife like the one I was being, and I wouldn't want us to have a relationship like the one I had with my mom. I'm the one that needs to do the work before anyone else, and I don't have the luxury of waiting for other things to change. Like, I've got a baby on the way. Like, this is happening, and I just need to make it happen now. And my whole life I heard like, oh, it takes time to heal. It takes time to heal. It's like, well, the frick. I waited over 12 years. How much more time does it take? Like, I don't understand how much longer I need to feel so angry and not like, who I am. So I ditched the time idea and really pursued my healing journey for that reason. And during that time, I was like, boundaries. I need boundaries with my mom, obviously, And I set a boundary in a poor approach. I had a very, very poor approach to boundary setting. And I did the best I could. So my boundary with her was, you will not talk about your ex husband with me. And by sense of that, you will not bring up his name. You will not talk about his involvement in your life or your involvement in his life at any capacity. That was my boundary. Um, I think my mom respected it for a whole, like, 48 hours. Because we just didn't talk for those 48 hours. Not maybe that it was like an intentional. Okay, I'm gonna do that for Tessa. I would not say my boundaries were well received or respected. From my perspective, they were not. So if boundaries have ever felt like a failed approach to you, I promise there's a better way. I actually coach through boundaries in one of the modules of my 12 week course, Mind Body Alignment and the enrollment for that opens on December 11th through the 23rd. Mind body alignment is my full 12 week self discovery and healing course where you can finally go through and figure out why you do what you do, what are your actual triggers and pain points and get to the roots of of them so you can heal those roots. You can uplift the entire root system from it and reteach your mind how to think about life and understand that your kids are not the source of this pain. They're not the source of all of this hurt. It's something much deeper than that. They just bump the thorn in your arm from time to time, which you know, they're, they're such excellent teachers for us and we need our thorns bumped rather than asking the world to move around them. So if that's work that you're interested in, that's a great way for me to sum up the experience inside of my body alignment. 12 weeks coaching with me through basically the exact process that I took and learned on my own, the hard way of self discovery and healing work and how to have effective outcomes and true progress and growth from it. So that's opening December 11th. I'll have the wait list linked below so you can just easily sign up for that. Back into my story, my mom did not respect the boundaries. And when she was at my house just recently and spent the couple days here, I was very observant of. She's talking about him right now. She's talking about him. She's saying his name over and over and over again. She's talking about her involvement in his life and his involvement in hers and how he's coming over to her house for Thanksgiving and their plans and things. And normally like I would say in the past that would have really triggered me. Like I would have just felt infuriated with my mom. Like yet again another example of how you can't even do this one little thing thing for me. You can't even respect this one boundary. You are choosing him and prioritizing him over me yet again. And that was truly like the narrative of my life. I just felt like this inconvenience and burden to her life for a really long time. And regardless of that was the attention, the intention, that was my perspective and the way that I built my life and carried myself. And you might have some experience with that too because we, we really internalize what we perceive and we really internalize our influences and what they're saying to us. So every you are statement that they said becomes our I am statements and the environments that we find ourselves in. We are interpreting them and then deciding what that means about us. So this is what I mean by like the roots underneath it all. And what was so fascinating this time is she's saying his name. She's doing all the same things that she does. And I just felt so curious. Like, I felt like so empowered in my life, so proud of myself, so in love with who I am, what I do, the way I do it, and all that I've built in my life that I finally just felt curious to this strange point of like, I wonder what his life is like, I wonder what her life is like. I wonder what he just does on a daily basis. Like, I wonder how he's spending his time. I wonder if he's made growth and progress in his life. I wonder if he's pursued healing work. And you know, my mind just got so curious and it was almost like an uncomfortable curiosity because for so long I've just refused to think those things. And then now my mind's like naturally going there and I'm like, okay, we're going there. And I didn't. I just felt really at peace and like, I'm safe, I'm safe. I've got me. I belong here in my home, in this life that I've built, in this body that I cherish, in this life experience that I've been blessed with, this existence. Like I belong here. And I felt so good about that. And my mom just continues talking and it was just like a. Okay kind of thing, like very curious and okay was my conclusion. Like it was, it was very, very strange. Now when it comes to her ex husband, that dynamic was so hard for me for so long because yes, I did feel like she always chose him over us. And I felt so. I don't. There's never been a single person in my life that's caused more trauma than for me, than him. And just the entire way those five. Five years went and even before that. So again, new to the community, I just want to share a little bit of detail about my life experience. Experience. My biological dad passed away when I was six years old. That was close to like tied for first or first place for the hardest thing that's ever. That I've ever been through and the longest lasting repercussions, obviously. And after that, I mean, I even have Christmas letters to Santa when I was 7 years old, 6 and 7 years old, begging him to bring me a dad. That's all I wanted for Christmas was a dad. And I had that on my Christmas list. And having a dad meant so much to me in life. So when my mom remarried this man, I just thought, I've got it made. I've got a dad. I. On their wedding day, I gave him a book, A Hundred Reasons why a Daughter Needs a Dad. I mean, I literally asked him to adopt me. And I'm grateful every day that he didn't. And I just. I loved him so much. Like, as much as a little girl could love a father figure or a father. That's how much I loved him. And he taught me how to do so many amazing things. We really had a great relationship. He introduced me to his friends as his daughter. He taught me how to drive stick shift. He taught me how to not only build my four wheeler from the ground up, but how to, like, really ride it and have a lot of fun and be confident. That's a big thing he taught me was. Was confidence. And he really built me up to see that I have a very unique perspective in life. And he's like, you see a need and fill it. Like, that's a really good thing that a lot of people don't have. And I always remember that he said that to me, and I do believe that to be true about me. So I had great experiences with him, and that built, like, so much love, so much vulnerability up. And then that was for, like, the first two years. And then the last three years of their marriage, it was like everything got set on fire. And he had some really terrible coping strategies and really terrible desires in life that had major repercussions on my entire family. And basically ripped. Put my family through a paper shredder is the best way to describe it. Like, all the good things, just one by one went through the shredder. And the hardest thing for me was he actually had pedophilia tendencies, so you could say that he was a pedophile at the time. And that was, I mean, obviously very traumatic, very devastating for me. I felt extremely unsafe in my home, and it made my relationship with my mom just terrible. I mean, so terrible. Rightfully so. Like, I can totally understand what. Why it was so awful. And that's where, like, all of this came from. All of this anger within me that I struggled with for the 12 years. It was. It was that. It was that life experience. It was feeling like I didn't have anybody. It was feeling like I'm not the priority, I'm not cared for, I'm just the burden. I'm the inconvenience. I'm the one that doesn't forgive, so they can't just be together. I'm making everything harder on everyone. Their lives would be better without me. And that's the way I lived for a really long time. And the only way I knew how to cope with that was yelling, ignoring, shutting down. Like, really big, reactive responses. And I ended up just not liking who I was. And I've said this a lot of times, and I just want to reiterate it in here. That's why I love motherhood so much. Because as terrible as my relationships have been in my family and all the dysfunction, all the things that have happened, when I was gifted a child and I knew, like, I'm gonna have my own family. I'm gonna have my own child. It's like, it hit me, the only thing he's gonna know about me is what I show him. He's just gonna know who I truly am, and I'm gonna show him who I truly am. I'm gonna really be me. I'm gonna be fun and lighthearted and energetic and compassionate and forgiving and creative. Like, that's who I really am, and that's who I'm going to be for him. And no matter what, I'm gonna. I'm gonna make sure he knows that he's just the most important thing in my life, and I will do anything for him. And I. I just, like. I just latched on to that. Like, motherhood was truly, like, my lifeline finally being thrown to me. Like, I would say that in my marriage. Like, when I met Marcus, it was very, very similar. Like, thank God, finally I could, like, build my own life with this person that sees me as more than just angry or from dysfunction and trauma. Like, he. He saw me first, really, and then becoming a mother. Like, those two things changed me forever. And I'm so grateful. And that doesn't mean I don't have hard times or see any of those, like, reactive behaviors flare back up. I totally do. I just. I know how to help myself. I know how to come back down. I know how to proactively remain regulated. I know how to release stored emotion if that ever gets piled up. I know how to journal. I know how to forgive. I know how to love myself. Like, I use these tools that I try to teach you here in my courses, in my content, on my. In my coaching. Like, everything that I put out, I personally live on a daily basis. And the way I see it is I have to. I have to live it. If I'm really going to be the mom I want to be. And the wife I want to be and have the life that I want to have, I have to live it. And that's why it's easy for me to teach it to you and. And coach through it, is because I have so much lived experience with it. So that's the experience I had with my previous stepdad, my mom's ex husband. And that's why it was so triggering when she would bring up his name and when she just wouldn't even respect the boundary of not bringing up his name. Like, I get where the anger comes from when people are not respecting your boundaries and it feels like they're doing something just to piss you off. Believe me, I. I lived there for a long time. Like, they're doing that just to make me mad, and they make me mad and they make me yell and they make me ignore them, and I lived with all that. And I know how painful it is on both ends. It's painful to live that way, and it's painful to be in that position where you really see it as people are doing it just to make you mad or sad or hurt. It's hard all the way around. And I'm with you. And because I'm here with you, I know you can heal it. And that's my focus here, is to help you heal. So my mom came and she had mentioned him and that he's coming to her home for Thanksgiving. And for, like, the first time ever, I just felt so curious. I felt so confident and empowered and just so stable and steady. And I had this thought, this bizarre freaking thought that just sounded like, I want to see him. I want to see him for myself. I want to be able to stand there and talk to him just a little bit and know that this is truly who I am. Like, I want this opportunity to show myself that this is who I really am and just fully forgive him and fully let it go. And I want that. And I feel like I'm right there. I've just never put myself in the position to have that encounter. I mean, for the past 11 years, I've very intentionally made sure that I don't see him. For everything that I finally control in my life, I have made it a point to never see him. And I decided on Thanksgiving that I would go to my mom's house. I really did this. I went to my mom's house to drop off one of my little sisters who I love dearly after spending time with her. And I decided that who I am is able to be her Full self. Her full, true, authentic, beautiful self, no matter where she is or who she's with. And I wanted the opportunity to provide that example to my sister, who I love, and to myself. Like, I wanted that for me and for her. And when I got to my mom's house, I just felt like, I'm doing this. Like, I had the thought when my mom was at my house and I was. And initially my response to that thought was like, why on earth would I do that? That's such a bad idea. Don't do that. Don't put yourself in that position. You don't have to do that. You don't have to prove anything to anyone or even yourself. Like, you already know you're healed, you're moved on. Like, forgiveness, Kumbaya, move on. You don't have to see him. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm not gonna see him for sure. And then dropped my sister off on Thanksgiving. And I was like, oh, I'm going in. And she's like, really? I was like, yeah, I'm going in. And I just felt, like, so free. Like, so free. Like, knowing exactly what I'm about to do, who's going to be there, and how I'm going to show up without a shadow of a doubt. And I did it. And it blew my mom out of the freaking water. Both my little sisters were pretty speechless. Her ex husband himself was like, I mean, shocked beyond belief, I'd say. And I had this opportunity to look at the person that I believe has caused the most trauma in my life. And I've faced tremendous repercussions from his decisions. And I had the opportunity to look at him and love who I am. And in my entire healing journey that I've pursued very intentionally over the past six years, that was like a high point for me. A high point to see. Like, it's really been in me all along. Like, this version of me, who I am, has been here all along. And she's finally, like, showing up at the forefront. Like, she finally shows up first and everywhere and no matter who she's with and having this perspective of myself that I can. I'm free. Like, I can talk to him, I can listen. I am kind. I am. I am who I want to be. And as I. As I talked to him a little bit, and I talked to everyone, I was only there for probably like 10 minutes. And I'm really proud of the way that I showed up. And as I did that, I questioned, is he who he truly wants to be? Like, how does he feel talking to me right now? And what is he thinking about talking to me right now? And it was. It was so interesting because if I were to just guess, I would say he felt very uncomfortable seeing me. Very uncomfortable talking to me. Just from demeanor. And if I were to guess from what I know about his life, he's not who he wants to be. He's not living his dream life. He's not reaping what he has sown and enjoying the fruits of his labor. And I am. I am reaping what I sow. And I enjoy the fruits of my labor. I have wonderful relationships with all three of my children. I am a wonderful wife. I'm willing to accept my faults and improve and progress and have ownership. Like, I'm willing to do really hard things, especially when I don't get it right. Like I'm. I'm willing to do the hard things and giving myself that opportunity. As uncomfortable as it felt to, and initially it sounded like a really bad idea. I just think it's really cool that you can intentionally decide how you're gonna handle something and put yourself in a position that maybe you told yourself, you swore that you would never put yourself in. Like, I'm never gon see that person, never going to talk to them, never going to forgive them, whatever. I've said all the same things and I'm just saying, like, the freedom that comes from being in that position is it's second to none. Like, it's. It's the freedom. It's the proof that we truly can be who we want to be. No matter where we are or who we're with. No matter who has made their choice, we get to choose how we respond. And I'm so. I just want to share that story with you because I am so proud of myself. And I just got in my car afterwards and I was like so proud of myself. And I cried a little bit and I was like, good job, Tess. Like, that was amazing that you just did that. Like, you. You know where you belong and you know who you are. And you are unquestioning and unshakable and full of faith and fiercely loving. And I'm so proud of you. And I had this whole pep talk with myself and. And I just. I want you to have that. I want you to have the opportunity to understand that, yes, you've been through extremely hard things. And there have been people in your life that have caused more trauma than you can even, even count. And there have been severe repercussions in your life because of the choices of others. I understand all of that. And what I also want you to know is that you can be exactly who you want to be. You can be the greatest version of yourself that you can even imagine and use every ounce of pain to serve a tremendous purpose in your life and let the pain go. You can let the pain go and just take the purpose. You can allow the past to release from you and just learn the lesson. Because the hardest things you've ever been through also have the biggest lessons. I've officially decided, and I fully believe the hardest things I've ever been through have taught me the biggest life lessons. And I'm so grateful that I've been able to learn so many big lessons at a young age. Because if I live a similar story and maybe I lose my husband at a young age and my boys lose their dad at a young age, I know very well what I can trust myself to do. Will I have to figure a lot out? Yes. And I don't feel afraid. I don't feel afraid because I've taken the big lessons from my own life experience of losing my dad at 6. And I feel so much better equipped and prepared with how I can help myself, how I can help my kids, what I can avoid and what I could pursue. And as much as I pray and wish that Marcus and I both live to be 110 together with, you know, great grandkids running around us, like, as much as I pray for that, I also know that I'm going to be given exactly what is meant for me. I'm going to be given exactly what I need. And I want to live a life of peace like that. I want to just have enthusiasm and fulfillment and purpose with every day that I am given instead of being worried about how many days I will be given. And that's what healing's given me. It's given me purpose for my pain and lessons from my past so I can finally just release the weight and craft myself into who I really want to be. And I have strengths that are unique to me because of the hard things I've been through. And those strengths, those skills, those characteristics that are unique to me wouldn't be there. Some of the things that I love the most about myself would not be there if I hadn't gone through everything that I've been through. And the same is true for you. Maybe you don't see it yet. Maybe you don't see those unique skills, characteristics, traits and things that you are going to fiercely love about yourself and find so valuable. You don't see them yet because right now they're guarded with anger. They're guarded with this intensity, this aggression, this, this desire to just stay safe because you don't feel safe yet, that makes sense. It makes sense that they're guarded just like mine were. And it doesn't mean they're not there. It just means you have to do the work. You have to commit yourself to healing. And the harder the circumstances, the more valuable the mindset, the more valuable your healing journey becomes. If you've been through something really hard, that doesn't mean you don't deserve to heal. That doesn't mean it's too hard to heal. That means you deserve healing just as much as anybody else. That means you have an even bigger purpose within you. You have an even bigger source of inspiration within you because of that. So if that's something that you are pursuing and you're like, okay, I'm ready to make this change, I need to go all in on my healing journey. You can do, you can do it. I have my 12 week course mind body alignment you can enroll in, you can join me there and I'll walk you through it. And I promise you that we are stronger together. Even in the midst of our hardship, we are stronger together. Even if it's a collective pain, we're still stronger together. You can come to my five day retreat where we go through the actual experience of releasing and regulating emotions and putting purpose in the past painful experiences and cultivating real safe connections. So you can finally know this is the standard that I live my life. This is who I truly am and how I'm going to show up. Because you need, you need that experience. You need to be able to prove to yourself who you really are before you go stand where you feel the most shaken. Before I went and stood in front of my previous stepdad, I needed a whole lot of experience knowing who I am and how unshakable and unquestioning I am. Like I needed that. And I've experienced that at Revive. I've experienced that in motherhood, in my marriage. Because it's my intention, I wanna teach you how to do the same thing. So if you need really deep, meaningful transformation and healing, come to the five day retreat revive. And it includes the 12 week course of Mind body alignment coaching with us. I love you dearly. I know this healing journey is possible for you and that you will pursue it. And I hope you choose to pursue it sooner than later. Because there's a whole lot of goodness going on in your life right now that you deserve to take in and enjoy. Oh, my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.