86. A shift on triggers

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Oh, boy. I did it. I did it. I shared my perspective on Instagram, and it was highly resonated with that. It is now becoming a podcast episode because it deserves more than 1 minute to expand on. So that's what we're talking about today in the podcast, is how three things. Number one, triggers are not universal. The second thing we're going to be covering is just this idea of where you're putting your value. And then lastly, what part of you doesn't feel safe to experience what you're in right now, be it a feeling or circumstance, we're going to explore that, too. So those three coming together. And I know Christmas is just a few days away, New Year's. Whenever you're listening to this episode, there might be something coming up. And I want to reassure you that what matters most is who you're choosing to be on this day. Not what you gave people or the amount of money that you spent or anything like that. Like, I want you to make sure that the focus and emphasis is just on who you choose to be, because that's going to determine what you're thinking about the people around you, about your day, if you feel like, if you're thinking, oh, this day's the worst, the kids woke up early. I didn't get XYZ done. Your mind is in the wrong place, sister. And we need to bring it back to the present to. To understand that, gosh, we've been gifted another day. What a wonderful experience that we have to be together, even if there's not even one gift under the tree. If we decide to just make breakfast together, go for a family walk together, say yes to what the kids want to do with us instead of watching them do it on their own. Just the little things that we can do. So remember to Intentionally choose who you're being. I mean, every day of our lives, especially on the special days. And that will control what you choose to think and how you feel and what you do on that day. And you'll be so much more proud and at peace of how things unfold. So that's your little bit of encouragement with Christmas just right here. And, you know, whenever you're listening to this, whatever's going on in your life, choose intentionally who you are and show up as her, and you'll feel a whole lot better, I promise. Now, let's dive into this episode for today, starting with this idea, which is what I shared on Instagram, that triggers are not universal. Meaning that what triggers you may not trigger me. What triggers me may not trigger my husband. And just as a whole, in our society, there may be a lot of shared triggers. And that's so valid. And there will always be someone not triggered by what you're triggered by. And just knowing that is so empowering because it allows us to see. There's another way. There's another way I could think about this tantrum. There's another way I could think about this nighttime waking or the early morning waking, or my kids not eating their food, or them screaming in the grocery store, or them breaking something at a family member's house, or them saying something to a family member, a friend, a stranger. These things that I say trigger me. If it doesn't trigger everyone, then there is another way to handle it. That doesn't mean it's never going to feel hard. It doesn't mean that it's wrong that you feel triggered. Not at all. It's just that if you want to just change what you're thinking about something, how you're feeling about it, what you're doing towards it, there is a way to do so. So let's say your kids have a tantrum. Or, you know, I have a better example. Let's say your kids are five, fighting each other. And, I mean, they are throwing haymakers. There's fists. They just threw a wooden train at the other one, and it nailed them right in the head. Like, whatever is happening in that conflict between the two of them, the friction between the two of them, let's say you're feeling really triggered by that. Maybe some of you listening to this right now are just like, oh, my gosh, that right there is what gets my heart racing. My nervous system's dysregulated. It's hard to breathe. It. It feels like there is just this chain wrapped around my Chest. Oh, that's the worst. Okay, you're getting really triggered by your kids fighting. That is so valid. It makes a lot of sense. And we have to acknowledge that it's something happening within you, and you are the only one that controls you. Nothing outside of you can control what's going on inside of you. This comes down to what we are choosing to think, how we are feeling about it, and what we choose to do about it. And the more ownership we put on ourselves over our triggers, the better off we're going to be when it comes to navigating, outgrowing, and changing them. I mean, how nice would it be if you felt triggered by your kids fighting today, and then tomorrow you did it, and the next day you didn't, and you never felt triggered by your kids fighting again? Can you imagine that? Just the relief that would come, this new way of living, this new way of thinking and feeling and handling the conflict and tension. How would you show up to those circumstances of your kids fighting differently? How would you show up differently to that circumstance? Whereas before, when your nervous system got dysregulated and you're feeling heightened in your sensitivity and your thoughts and your feelings and your actions, you're feeling heightened and all that, and the way that you're showing up, what do we do? We're likely clenching our fists. We're clenching our jaw. Our shoulders come up to our ears. We are not breathing anymore. We are seeing red. And then we start yelling. And we start yelling. Or maybe we spank. Maybe we hit. Maybe we send one to their room. Maybe we. I don't know, we do all these things that we're not proud of, and then what happens? We are sitting in the mom guilt, rightfully. So. If. If we don't like what we're choosing to do, we. We really. It makes sense why we would feel guilty about it, because guilt is a teacher. It's. It's an emotion just like any other. And I have a podcast episode about that in a previous episode, so you can listen to that one, too. When it comes to this idea of mom guilt and how we shouldn't feel it, well, really, you should. If you have a feeling, you should feel it. Like, that's what feelings are. They're meant to be felt. So if I were to tell you, oh, you shouldn't feel guilty about losing it, it'd be the same thing as me saying, you shouldn't feel happy about that. You shouldn't feel sad about that. You shouldn't feel excited about that. It wouldn't make sense. So why are we trying to make it make sense when people say you shouldn't feel guilty? If you have a feeling, you should feel it. There's a reason why it's there. So let's get curious about it instead of judgmental or critical about it. Okay, so if you're feeling that guilt over your behavior, how long are we going to be feeling that way? Well, for sure it's going to impact our day. Maybe we spend a few hours in that mom guilt. Maybe we spend the rest of the day into the next day in that mom guilt. And that's not helping us either. So when we think about these triggers and what kind of change would come if we healed the trigger itself? How would you handle your kids fighting if you felt regulated, if you felt extremely observant in that moment and you witnessed what was going on, or maybe you even became more aware of the precursors that happen leading up to that fight? Like, you know your kids better than anybody else. They have these giveaways, these giveaway. Maybe it's a word they say or a way they breathe, or their demeanor changes. Like they get this look in their eye. They have a little giveaway of what they're about to do. And what if instead of getting so triggered by what they're doing, we just got really observant of their giveaways, their demeanor, their behavior, their words. And we got very proactive in our ability to teach them to do something different, too, which we can totally do and you are more equipped to do when you heal your triggers. So just think of it this way. Triggers are not universal. Your kids fighting may not trigger me. My kids fighting may not trigger me. My kids fighting may trigger me and not trigger you. The nighttime wakings. Maybe I feel so grateful to be the one that my kids trust and call on and that I get to be there for them for this short period of their life until they are moved out and growing and building their own life. Right? And I'm not just right down the hall. So for this short period of time, I just feel so grateful that I get to be the one that's there. And. And I don't feel triggered at all. And then maybe in the nighttime waking, somebody else feels extremely triggered by it. Feels extremely triggered by the early morning waking feels extremely triggered by the kids throwing a tantrum when they don't get what they want at the store. Just because you feel triggered by it right now does not mean you have to always feel triggered by that. Really think about that. Since triggers aren't universal. And there's someone out there that is not triggered by what you're triggered by, that gives us hope, that instills this inspiration of, hey, I can change too. I can change what I think about this, I can change how I feel about this, I can change what I do with this. And the best way to do that is to really understand what part of you, what part of you is this coming from. Where's the roots within you that creates this to be such a triggering thing? Because otherwise it would just be neutral. If you weren't projecting your own life experiences and your own thoughts and feelings about it, it wouldn't be triggering. The only reason why it gets triggering for us is because we're projecting our own life experiences, our past experiences onto this present moment. A past experience that we have not dealt with, we have not healed, we have not found our peace with. And we're projecting the fear, we're projecting the scarcity, we're projecting the shame, or projecting the anguish, the disappointment, the defeat, feet. We're, we're projecting all of those harbored feelings onto this present moment. And guess what? They don't have to be there. You don't have to do that. We can in fact heal. We absolutely can. So a great question that I want you to be able to ask yourself when it comes to your triggers so you can just build more self awareness, get into this discovery, work more, is just to ask yourself, what part of me doesn't feel safe to experience this right now? What part of me doesn't feel safe to experience my kids throwing a tantrum in the middle of the store? Why does it even freaking matter? I mean, seriously, why does it matter? Like why am I projecting that? It's this big deal, it's not safe, it's not okay. When have I been through a similar, similar experience and it wasn't safe, it was not okay. It was not observed upon by other people. So what happened? And when we get clear on that, like, oh my gosh, it's not what my kids are doing right now, it's what I went through before, it's what has been said to me. It's what's been done to me, it's what's, it's what I've experienced when I was the kid throwing a tantrum in the store for something I wanted. And this is what the outcome was and I'm terrified of that happening again. So I cannot have my kids doing this because it's not safe. That makes sense. It makes sense. Why the Trigger's here. It makes sense why this does not feel safe. And now that you recognize where it's really coming from in that example, of course you're gonna have your own work to do in this. Once you recognize where that's coming from, like what exactly it's triggering inside of you, you can heal it. When you. The point of discovering something is to heal it. Like to bring awareness there so that we can have light, bring love to those places and, and love ourselves through the experience of receiving the validation that we've always needed from ourselves and recognizing there's another way. And you know what, Tessa? I'm going to show you another way right now. I'm going to show you how this can be handled safely and lovingly and, and still sternly because I'm not buying the toy. And that's okay. Like there's a way for us to do all this. And I get so fired up, so excited you talking about this. Because I've personally done it myself. I've personally done it myself and that is how I've healed so many triggers. Do I still have work to do? Absolutely. I'm still discovering some of these freaking triggers, let me tell you. And when I discover one, I'm like, who baby? Where, where's that coming from, huh? Do we have some, some work to do there? And I take this extremely light hearted approach where I am willing to laugh at my thoughts, I'm willing to sit with my feelings, with this ego ease, this easiness about it where it's like, yeah, you're here and so am I. You're not me and I'm not you. You are an energy, you are a vibration. You're here to enrich my life. And maybe you're a low vibration, maybe you're a high vibration. Either way, I'm the one that gets to decide what I think about it and what I do next. So yeah, feeling, hang out, be here, that's okay. Cuz I'm here too. And if you can hold onto that mentality, which you can, you absolutely can hold on to that mentality when any feeling arises, you will be more successful in your self discovery work. Because you're not afraid of what you find. You know who you are. And that's the key right there, is knowing that you're not your feelings, knowing who you truly are when you do your work. That is the golden nugget for you because it allows you to laugh at your thoughts. Because you're not your thoughts. It allows you to be easy with your Feelings, because you know it's not who you are. Even if you feel completely angry, even if you felt completely disappointed, that's okay. You honestly become like this best friend within yourself that's like, oh dang. Yeah, that's a big one. Yep. I can see why you feel that way. And you're so validating and you're still very accountable to yourself. Um, so I want to remind you that within my 12 week course, mind Body Alignment, that's exactly what we do. We go through the self discovery work for you so you can understand who you have been declaring that you are and how that's been just a detriment to your growth, to showing up in motherhood, to actually living a full life full of purpose. Sometimes our identity is the exact reason why we are not doing that. I mean, I would say most times, I don't wanna say all the time, just most times, that's why. Because we're not seeing ourselves as who we truly are. We're seeing ourselves as what we've been through, the tendencies that we have, how we feel and what we think and, and what other people have said and that's just not true. So in my 12 week course, mind Body Alignment, I coach you through the journey that you can take to get deeper into your self discovery work so that you can be your own best friend. You can know who you are and be easy with your feelings because you know I'm not you and you're not me. And yes, feelings, you can be here because I'm here too. I'm here too and I'm a freaking anchor. Let me tell you that I am, I'm steadfast, I'm faithful and I am unwavering in this approach to be the mother that I want to be. So yeah, I can feel angry and love the way I handle this. And inside of Mind Body Alignment, when we get that identity instilled, now we have this great foundation to figure out. Why does your mind go to these negative places? Why does it think this way about these things and create these triggers in these places? Oh, that's why. And although we all use the same coursework, we discover different things about ourselves and we're in this vulnerable community together that it's so, so cool to learn from one another and listen to the real life experiences and learn from one another's questions and gain insights into ourselves because of what someone else is sharing. It's, it's really the coolest, positive, empowering, encouraging environment that self discovery and healing work can be housed in. It's. It's really just amazing. And this being my fifth year running, Mind Body Alignment, I just. I love it so, so much. Um, so, yes, Mind Body alignment enrollment closes December 23rd. You want to get into this New Year's group? I promise you it's going to be such a rewarding experience for you, your family, and the life that you're building for yourself. I promise you that, yes. While this work is hard to do, there will never be a single day you regret it. I mean, ever. I can attest to that personally myself. So that's the question you're going to be asking yourself, is what? When these triggers come up, we understand they're not universal. What triggers me may not trigger somebody else. And that gives me hope and inspiration that there's another way I can do this and I can heal this trigger. And when the trigger comes up, you can ask yourself, what part of me doesn't feel safe to experience this? What part of me doesn't feel Safe? Is it 6 year old me? Is it 16 year old me? Is it the me that was going through that divorce? Is it the me that was cheated on? Is it the me that was abused, neglected, left, said mean things to. Even if you don't recall the age, that's okay. Just understanding that you've been through a lot. If you give yourself credit for it or not, you've been through a whole freaking lot. And it's important to recognize, like, when you're feeling triggered, there's a part of you that doesn't feel safe. And we just want to get familiar with her and bring some safety to her. So ask yourself that question. What part of me doesn't feel safe to experience this? And our kids are just wonderful at giving us insight and to what parts of us don't feel safe? Because they are just, they're so exploratory in life and they're so vulnerable and authentic and genuine and brave and courageous and confident and loving and sincere. And when you're faced with all of that just in the most innocent life form, which is a child, it's tough. Oh, man. It can be tough on, on you and the parts that don't feel safe to do that. So it makes sense why the triggers are here and they're not universal. So you're gonna ask yourself, what part of me doesn't feel safe to experience this? And lastly, I want you to get really clear when it comes to your triggers. I want you to get really clear on where's your value at? Like, what are you really valuing in your everyday life? Just sit with yourself. Sit with that question for a minute. Where's my value? What am I putting the most value in? Am I putting the most value in what other people think sometimes? Am I putting the most value on time being on time, making sure we're not late, making sure I prioritize my time, I utilize my time, I rush through time? Am I putting the priority and the value on time being efficient? Am I putting my value on connection? Meaning no matter how much time has passed, if we're going to be late to something, no matter what other people think of me helping my kids in the middle of the store while they're screaming their heads off because they didn't get a certain toy and it's taking time and other people are thinking certain things, no matter any of that, my value is going into connection. Where's your value going? Obviously there are better places we can be putting our value and the only way to put our value in those better places is to recognize where we've been putting it this whole time. And sometimes that's what makes this self discovery work so freaking difficult at times is the amount of honesty it requires you to have with yourself. Of like, oh crap. I have been putting my value on convenience. I've been putting my value on just being closed off. Whatever, whatever I need to do, whatever it takes for me to just avoid all emotions. That's where my value's at. And if that's the way that it's been for you, well then some of your behaviors, some of your patterns are going to make more sense. And when you can make sense of something, it helps you so much with a, with sidestepping shame. Like you don't have to go to this place of shame to be vulnerable. You can be vulnerable and get to the truth and honesty of it and protect who you truly are, your worth, your value, that you're this irreplaceable human in your life and everyone, especially your kids and spouse, would be absolutely devastated without you. And you're completely irreplaceable there and keeping that worth and value intact while also being honest, being vulnerable, having accountability for ourselves. So I just, that's the last thing that I wanna leave you with on this episode is just asking, being able to ask yourself, where's your value at? Is your value on time? Well, yeah, if your value's on time over connection, then we're going to try and rush to the hard parts, drag our kids along, be in this fast paced, rushed state rather than Slowing things down just enough that we can all be great communicators and connected to one to one another. So that way, when we get to the event, we're all going to have a great time together. We feel connected, seen and heard. If anything happens, I'm going to be the first to know about it, which, gosh, that is a huge priority value of mine as a mother is just keeping that trust intact so that if anything ever happens, I'm the first to know about it. And I have totally seen that pay off in my motherhood, and I plan to keep that going as my kids get older. So if you're putting the value on time, if you really think about it, a lot of times you're going to be five minutes behind anyway. So you can be five minutes behind getting there, and everyone's, you know, happy, connected, feeling loved, seen, safe and heard, or you can get there five minutes behind and there's crying, there's tears, you're flooded with guilt or tears or all of it, and you're still five minutes behind. So if we let go of the value of time and really put the value on our presence, who we are, our connection, our vulnerability, well, we're going to see a lot less triggers come up. So just be mindful. Where's your value at? My dear friends, I just love chatting with you here on the podcast. Thank you so much for being here. Remember, Mind Body Alignment closes enrollment on December 23rd. This is your opportunity to take your healing and growth to the next level. Accelerate yourself and set yourself up for 2024 to be a year that you finally heal and change a lot of your triggers. You discover a lot about yourself with this undeniable love that no matter where I go, no matter what I find, I will have love there. And as long as I know that, I know I'm always going to be okay. And I want that for you, too. Because remember, you are not your feelings, so the feeling of anger can come. And guess what? Here they are, too. You are not your anger, and the anger is not you. You are there with the anger, so you're always going to be okay. I love you dearly. I hope you enjoy your holiday season. Merry, merry Christmas, my sweet friends. I'm praying for you and your family to have a wonderful, wonderful day. And just going into the new year, that this is the year you finally do it, whatever it is, that's what I hope for you. Oh, my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.