88. Teaching People How To Treat You Through Your Chosen Responses

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Oh, my friend, we have some things to discuss about the way we are teaching people to treat us, the responses that we're modeling and how we're engaging with others and how we can make tremendous changes in all of that, starting with ourselves. You know, I am a big, big advocate when it comes to focusing on ourself because that's the thing that actually control is who we choose to be, what we choose to do, what we choose to think and how we're feeling. Those are all the things within our control. What other people say to us, what they do, how they feel, what they think is outside of our control. And we carry great influence. So this episode is about the influence we carry in teaching others how to interact with us and what that looks like. So I have of course, a wonderful story to tell, to tell you, to model this example because. Because gosh dang it, life just does that. Life gives us so many opportunities to put this into practice. And when you're in this work and you're intentionally focused on it, you become so much more aware of how truly you have so many chances, like really everything is your opportunity to show up as who you want to be. And that's just a mentality. Instead of going for what might be the initial or reactive thought of, of course, course this happened, which I could have said very easily in this story I'm about to tell you, we could do something different. This is my chance to show up as who I want to be. This is my chance to extend grace, to have a generous perspective, to be the first one with a light perspective and fun, light hearted solution. You can be that person. So here's what happened, my sweet husband and I honestly feel like the best stories that I tell you have to do with my marriage. So I have decided after a Year long break. After having my sweet drooby doobie, I took a year long break, actually more than that of making sourdough. I really love to bake. I love to cook. It's such a creative outlet for me. It's very regulating. And being in my kitchen is such a happy place for me. So I've decided I'm going to get back into sourdough now and I make my starter now. This freaking starter. If you're not familiar with sourdough, let me tell you, your starter is like another child. You need to feed and water it every morning, keep it at a certain temperature and just cater to it. It's not hard by any means. It just requires your consistent attention each day. And you know, the more you take care of it, the more attached you become to it because it does take so much effort on your end. And it's, it's an intention that you have to set in order to really see the fruits of your labor, right? So I get back into sourdough recently and I'm jazzed up about it. I'm all for it. And this freaking starter honestly has taken a month to get to the point of being usable because temperature, I was accidentally starving it on accident. Like, there were so many factors involved. And this stick and starter, for one month I've been trying to crack and figure it out. And I've been working so hard on it, staying so consistent, learning more about it, like, what the heck am I doing wrong? What do I need to improve on in order to get the starter to work? Then there was finally the day that my starter doubled in size. It was the perfect bubbly goodness in that Goldilocks zone, thriving. And I was going to make my first batch of bread. And I was so freaking excited that my starter was finally ready to participate in my baking adventures. And anyway, it was like a dream coming true, right? Well, I had a one hour call to do in the afternoon and I had told my husband, I'm gonna go do my call, my coaching session. And when I come back upstairs, I'm gonna, we're gonna make the loaf of bread. It's gonna be so great. He's like, okay, now I keep my starter in the oven, like at all times because I believe it's a little bit warmer in there. And like I said, it's been a month of trying to figure out how the heck do I get this thing to participate in life, right? And I've, I've learned that I have a little method. I put my oven on warm While my starter's on the stove, I put it on warm just for three minutes, and it heats up my oven to this perfect temperature. Temperature that my starter enjoys. And then I put my starter on a towel in the oven, and I leave it there for the day. And it has this nice, warm, cozy spot. So I spoil my starter and pay great attention to it. So, anyway, I leave my starter in the oven, I come down to my basement, I'm doing my coaching session. And then after an hour, I come upstairs, and my sweet husband, my whole house is clean. So I'm like, well, that's nice. Go upstairs. And my husband's so, so wonderful to always be so helpful. And my husband looks very guilty. And I'm like, why does he look so guilty? And the house is clean and, like, the kids have lunch in front of them, like, what do you have to look so guilty about? And his first words to me are, I have to tell you something with this, like, just look of devastation and sincere guilt on his face. And my mind is instantly jumping to figure it out. Like, my mind wants to figure out what it is that he needs to tell me before he has the opportunity to tell me. And I take one glance behind him, just one glance behind him and see that my sourdough starter is on the counter. And I did not leave my sourdough starter on the counter. I left it in the oven. And not only is my sourdough starter on the counter, it is half the flipping size that I left it when I went downstairs stairs all joyful that it had doubled in size. So I was honestly feeling a little bit defeated, like, why is my precious jar of sourdough on the counter half the size when I was specifically coming up here to bake a loaf of freaking bread right now using that starter that is no longer bubbly and active to be used to make a loaf of bread. And my sweet husband, again, this look of just sensational sincere sorrow, like, gosh dang it, he feels guilty. And I look at the jar of sourdough on the counter, and I. It took me literally 30 seconds to say, please tell me that you did not heat up the oven with my sourdough starter in there to make the boys chicken nuggets that are on their plates right now for lunch. He grinned for a minute, and he's like, I'm honestly very impressed that you just put that whole thing together in 30 seconds. He's like, how did you do that? And I was like, and I told him the same thing I just told you. Because my sourdough starter's on the counter and I know I left in the oven, that was the first thing that I saw. So I want to see that on the counter and it's half the size I left it. It's no longer freaking bubbling. And I look over and see there's chicken nuggets on the kids plates. I know you must have heated up the oven and my sourdough starter was in there and you didn't know. And at this point we're both smiling, we're both very amused with each other and I know full well my foundational mindset that I carry into every relationship that I have. He's doing the best he can. We are all doing the best we can to our mental and physical capacity. So that mindset is working in my favor right now. What else is working in my favor? My identity. Knowing who I am in any relationship and any circumstance that I'm in. This is why I love, love to coach you through your identity. Because if you've decided you are exhausted, you are overwhelmed, you're burnt out, you are overstretched, and then your husband accidentally bakes your sourdough starter in the oven while trying to make lunch for your kids, that's how you're going to show up to him in that moment. You're going to show up overwhelmed, exhausted, overstretched, burnt out, angry, aggressive, irritable. All the things that you said you were. And it makes sense. It makes sense why you'd show up that way. Because you've declared that's who you are and that's a choice. Was it my choice to have my husband heat up my sourdough starter in the oven? No. There it was my choice to leave the sourdough starter in the oven, that was my choice. And it's my choice to decide who I am. If I believe I am generous, I am soft hearted, I am patient, I am slow, I am remarkable, I am forgiving, I am accepting, I am observant. If that's who I decide I am, how am I going to show up for my husband in that moment that, yeah, he made a mistake and it's clear that he's sorry. How am I going to show up in that moment? Well, I'm going to do exactly what we did. I'm going to smile, I'm going to make a joke, I'm going to laugh through it with him. I'm not just laughing it off like it doesn't matter. It matters to me and he matters more. I could spend a whole Other, even if he baked that thing to a crisp, I could just spend another month making another sourdough starter. Or maybe it doesn't take a month this time because I learned so much the first fricking month. It doesn't matter that much. People matter more. And who we choose to believe we are is how we're going to treat our people. The point of this episode, though, is more than just who you believe you are and the mentality you choose to have. I just wanted to emphasize that part to you, that if you could do two things in your relationship today, number one, choose to believe that the person on the receiving end is doing the best they can to their mental and physical capacity. They're not just doing things to upset you. They're doing the best they can. There's always a reason why. And the second thing is to just clearly decide who you are so that way you can start trusting yourself and the way you're showing up in those moments. Now, what makes this so freaking hilarious, this story, and it comes back to how we're teaching people to treat us, is in that moment with my husband. He knows how hard I've been working on the sourdough starter. He knows. Like, I'm very excited to get back into making sourdough. It's been a little bit testing this stinking starter and all. Like, all that I've been doing to learn how to do this right. And I've been trying really hard, and I was excited that day to make. To make the bread. I could have gotten angry. I could have snapped at him. I could have had this just big outburst of angry emotion. Like, how could you do that? You know, I keep it in the oven. That's where it stays warm. You couldn't think to just check the oven before you started heating it up? Like, I could have scolded him. I could have shamed him. I could have name called. I could have judged him. I could have. I could have dumped it all on him, right? I could have. And I'm so glad I didn't. There's never been a time that I've treated someone well, even when I felt upset or at a time where I could have justified a harsh reaction. I've never regretted treating someone better than that. I've never regretted having the most kind perspective that I could give. I've never regretted it. And I didn't regret it this time. So. So turns out he didn't bake it all the way through. He was able to save half of it. It was very sweet. His efforts. He called my sister and my neighbor while I was still downstairs on my call, trying to save my sourdough starter. And he did. He was able to save that half of it. And I just think that effort to do all of that for me, because he knows how much this means to me, was very sweet and very sincere, and that's what I chose to focus on, because I could choose to focus on something else, and I chose to focus on his efforts. Efforts over outcomes. Remember, friend? So we moved past that. I was still able to make a loaf of bread. Did it use up all of the sourdough starter? All but one tablespoon. So then I needed to build back my starter, and I'm still grateful that I got to go through the process of making a loaf of bread. Now, the next day, I had my sourdough starter again in the oven where I always keep it. I had fed it that morning, and I'm trying to build it back now because I only had a tablespoon left out of the half cup that I really need to be having, right? So I know I'm building it back. It's gonna take some time. Whatever. I keep my sourdough starter in the oven, and I decide to make my kids some chicken nuggets for lunch. And I turn on the oven, and I heated my sourdough starter to 233 degrees. The day before, my husband heated the sourdough starter to 300 degrees. I did the exact same thing. I turned on the oven without checking it first. I turned on the oven where my sourdough starter was at. I was wanting to make my kids lunch just like my husband. And it just felt so humbling for me in that moment, because I did the exact same thing that he did. And. And it's. It was that moment that I just felt so grateful for the way I had treated my husband the day before about it, because guess what? He was right there. And I said, oh, shoot. And it didn't get as hot as my husband had gotten it the day before because he actually, like, started burning the towel that was in the oven. And that's how he knew the sourdough starter was in there, was that he smelt something burning, which was the towel in the oven. So fortunately, that didn't catch on fire. And. And for me, I saved it a little bit earlier. Um, and it was still, like, I did the same exact thing. And here's my husband standing right there, and he's so funny. He gets out his phone and starts recording me. And he goes, hey, what's going on? I'm just, like, cracking up laughing. I get the sourdough starter out of the oven. I'm shaking my head and just laughing because it's just. It can be funny, and it is funny. It's funny that I did the exact same thing that he did the day before. And we don't have to take everything so freaking seriously. Giving yourself the opportunity to handle something well also provides someone else the opportunity to know how to handle something well or better than they would have before. And this is what this episode's about, of how we're teaching people how to interact with us. And every time you interact with somebody else, what you tell them, how you say it, what you choose to do, your body language, your eye contact, you are teaching somebody else how to engage with and interact with you. If I were to have shamed and scolded and said harsh remarks to my spouse, unfortunately, if I could have done that and someone would have justified me, like, oh, my gosh, yes, my husband did the same thing. And honestly, I've had. I had people reach out to me when I shared on Instagram about how their spouse did the same thing, and they did yell at them or they accidentally did that and their spouse yelled at them. And it just doesn't have to be that way. We could laugh about it, we could talk about it. We could have more proactive conversations and regulated states of emotion when going through those things. So when. When I did it the next day and my husband's recording me saying, hey, what happened over there? And I'm just laughing. He treated me the way I treated him. He gave me so much grace. He laughed with me. We got to see the bigger picture together. He was thinking just as clearly, she's doing the best she can. This is so easy to happen, and we need to have a better game plan of what we're gonna do to keep this starter warm and be able to make the kids lunch without accidentally roasting the starter each day. And that's what I want you to see here, is with every. With every circumstance you're in, there is an opportunity for you to show up as who you want to be and who you choose to show up as in that moment, be it someone you want to be or someone you don't want to be, you're teaching someone else how to treat you, how to interact and engage with you. And if you're going to scold someone and shame them and do name calling and harsh reactions, we can expect to receive that in return. If that's how we're going to treat our kids or why wouldn't they treat us that way? If we're going to name call them, why wouldn't they name call us? Right? And the same thing with our spouse. If we're going to shame them and ridicule them and judge them and criticize their every move, well, why wouldn't they do that to us? And I, I want to think that we can also learn how to treat people by the way they're treating us. We are just like them, right? So this concept can be flipped. How someone treats you is how you can be taught how to treat, engage with, and interact with them. And if someone mistreats you, that doesn't mean you have to mistreat them. That means you can accept they're doing the best they can right now. They're doing what they know how to do, and I'm going to do better. And that can be a profound moment in your life and their life. Every circumstance holds an opportunity for you to be who you want to be, to do better, to say better, to feel better. And honestly, you're one new thought away from a better mood. So if you feel like you are often mishandling these moments, these circumstances that are arising because your first thought is, of course you did that, and I can't believe you did that, let's change the first thought about it. Let's change the first thought to, you're doing the best you can. Make that your first thought. And then let your second thought be who you are. I am gracious and compassionate. I am curious and lighthearted. I am wondrous and amused. Who are you choosing to be? Who can you be in that moment that would have a better response to what's going on? Choose who you are. And then that third step, let it be. How do I want to teach an interaction right now? How do I want to teach this person to engage with me? Let's let laughter be first. Let's let a soft smile and eye contact and relaxed shoulders and a whole demeanor of openness and softness. Let's let that be what we're teaching. And even if someone else does not reciprocate that, won't you feel better that you did that? Of course you will. Of course you will. Of all the things going on in our lives, especially as mothers, there's a lot that's testing and challenging. Absolutely. And I'm just saying, when you have a perspective that says, you know, my circumstances, my challenges, my hardships are opportunities of learning and growth. And within each circumstance is my opportunity to really be who I want to be. If that's the mentality, at least you're no longer adding guilt to your plate from doing things that just don't align with who you want to be. And there is an abundance of choice in all of that. So choose to pause, choose to hold the perspective that they're doing the best they can, choose to lean into an identity that you actually want to have, and then choose to teach people how to treat you through the way you're treating them. Model what you want to receive. And in the moment that it happens, maybe you'll have a 24 hour experience like I did from my husband putting the sourdough starter in the oven to when I did it. And I was able to so clearly see back to back. He treated me the way I treated him. And I'm so glad we were both compassionate, not just one or the other. We were both playful, we were both lighthearted. And I'm so glad that I got to set that example first and have like a little bit extra sense of fulfillment and accomplishment. Like yes, I'm so glad that I treated him so well the day before because not only am I grateful that he's modeling that and reciprocating it, I actually feel worthy and deserving of it too. And that is a sense that I want you to have every single day. That you're worthy and deserving of beautiful, light hearted interactions and that you're worthy and deserving of modeling, modeling just what you want. And I want you to get more clear on what you want. So I hope this episode serves you today. It opens your mind and lightens your heart and you feel excited to show up and start literally treating your kids, your family, your spouse, your co workers in the way that you want to teach them to treat you. And you hold yourself to a higher standard with just more accountability and ownership because that is something that is in your control. Now lastly, I just wanna remind you that the Revive enrollment to my four day retreat of self discovery and healing work is open and it is closing. The very last day to sign up is January 31st. We need to make sure that we have your name on the list. We have all the details. You can do your one on one call with me before the retreat. And of course I can get all the other coaches prepared to have you there as well, as well as the special gifts that we have store. So January 31st is the very last day to enroll. This retreat does an exceptional job of releasing emotions, regulating your nervous system, and truly overcoming the limitations that you've put on yourself throughout your life so you can finally not only know who it is that you actually are, and also give yourself full permission to show up as her in any circumstance you find yourself in. You are so close to doing it, to being it, to living that way, and you just have to make the final commitment to attend Revive with us and get yourself there for fully so you can fully embody it, fully experience it, along with other women doing the work right alongside you. So if you're meant to be at Revive, the link is right below in the notes. You can click there. Save your spot. And like I said, January 31st is the last day to save your spot and I hope to see you there, my sweet friend. I'll talk to you real soon. Oh my sweet friend, thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you love it. I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.