89. 4 Helpful Perspectives Of "Too Late To Change" In Motherhood

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Oh, welcome back, my sweet friend. I hope 2024 is off to a phenomenal start for you and you're just riding a high wave of it all with tons of excitement and enthusiasm for what's to come in your year. I will be completely honest and let you know that the first two weeks in Baidu here have not been what I was anticipating. Every single person in my house, one by one, is going through this sick bug that is freaking lingering, and now it has landed with me. So this is not how I was hoping or anticipating to start our new year. And I just know that I'm gonna be fired up and ready to hit the ground running as soon as all of this passes and we're all taken care of now. That explains my voice. And on this podcast episode, I wanted to bring in someone from our community with her suggestion of an episode that we can do together. And I feel it is extremely relevant to us as we come into a new and a new season of motherhood. And no matter where you're at, understanding that it's okay if you want to do better. And it doesn't mean that you've screwed things up in the past or you're too far gone or. Or anything like that. It just means you've made observations about where you're at and feel fired up and excited about where you can go. So the way that she worded this suggestion, I'm just going to read it to you guys. She said I wanted to make a podcast suggestion in case there are any other moms like me feeling this. I love all the podcasts, but I constantly have this underlying anxious feeling of, ah, it's too late. I've messed this up for my kids so much their whole childhood. If only I found tessa years ago, etc. Etc. Mine are 9, 7, and 4 years old. So I don't know. I'm sure there are others like me feeling this immense regret and wish I could just start over. Oh, my gosh, I wish we could just be in a room together and I could walk by and give everyone a hug over their shoulders and remind you what, what a remarkable job you're doing. No matter how old your kids are, no matter if they're little babies in your arms right now and you are just now getting into motherhood, trying to figure out, you know, schedules and routines and feeding and reading your baby and trusting your intuition or if they're a little bit older. And now we're in different challenges and hardships and opportunities as well. Motherhood is an ever changing experience, experience for us. And we are unable to be the same person we were before we came into motherhood. And we're unable to remain the same throughout motherhood because our kids are growing and changing and, and learning and there's different influences on them and ourselves. We are going to change. We're going to. We are just unable to stay the same as, as humans. We are meant to evolve and grow. And I think the first perspective shift we have to bring into this idea of wanting to change, do better, be better, whatever, whatever the phrasing is. For you, the first perspective we need to bring into it is understanding that it doesn't mean that you screwed things up in the past. Wanting to grow, heal, change, do better, and be better does not mean you weren't good enough before. And giving yourself that opportunity to see just how valuable you are and irreplaceable you've always been is such a healing opportunity for you to be able to say, like, I can see that I've always done the very best I can. And because of that, I'm so grateful for all that I've learned along the way. You've learned some of your biggest lessons because we didn't like our choices that we made. That's when we learn the most, is when we're outside of alignment with who we want to be. That's when we're able to really see, like, hey, there's this ring, there's this alarm going off like something's not right here. Or we learn a lesson about what we say to our kids and the impact that it makes. And those lessons are so important. So just because you want to make a change and call it being better, doing better does not mean you weren't good enough before. You've always, always been good enough. You've always been worthy, and you've always absolutely been doing the best you can to your mental and physical capacity. So if you're someone holding this perspective of, gosh, I want to do better, and I honestly just wish that I could have started sooner. Ditch that. Ditch that and lean into. I'm so glad that I know now. I'm so glad that I've learned every lesson that I've had the opportunity to learn in motherhood of why this is so important. Why my tone of voice, the way I spend time with my kids, limiting distractions when I'm with them, making eye contact, doing acts of service for them, showing enthusiasm for the tasks that I get to do today. Why all of this is so important. Because what's. What's really the meaning behind it all? If we don't even know why it's important to do, would we even be doing it? Sometimes it takes the opportunity to learn those things. So you've always been good enough. Wanting to grow and change does not mean that the version of you that you were before wasn't good enough. It doesn't mean that she was just too far gone or unlovable or unworthy. And that will give. That in itself will give you a lot of opportunity to sidestep this anxious feeling of I screwed it all up. Because remember, thoughts create feelings. So you first have to get really clear on what is it that I'm thinking about my desire to change. Because if I'm shaming myself or even wanting to change, what are. What are the chances that you're actually gonna do it? Shame is an attack on self. It's a powerful human emotion and creates this space that we just want to go hide in the darkness. We don't want to shed light on it. So if you're not willing to shed light on something, you're absolutely not going to change it. So, number one, changing that narrative a little bit. Number two, the idea of you being. It just being too late. I think this is a really interesting perspective. And I. I'm grateful for my personal experience in this and the fact that I've been coaching mothers the past six years because it's brought me a lot of. I mean, hundreds of different perspectives on this. And the commonality that I found from my own experience and the experience of hundreds of others that I've had the opportunity to work with over the years is we still carry some hurt from and some wounds that have been left, like, unattended to. From our relationships with our parents. A lot of us do not all of us. A lot of us. And what's so interesting is our mind has the nerve to say, it's too late for us. We're too far gone. We've ruined their childhood. There's nothing we can do to make it right. No amount of change that I make will make a difference. Um, you know, our mind has the nerve to have that narrative when the reality is the people that have hurt us or done things that maybe the intention was never to hurt us, they were just doing the best they could, and the consequences of that did greatly impact us, and it did hurt. And all of that can be true. Understanding that if one of those people were to call you today and say, listen, I've been doing a lot of work on myself over the past year, and through the resources that I've sought out, I've made a lot of discoveries about myself. And I've just got to tell you that I had no idea what I was doing at that time would impact you this way. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I didn't have these resources sooner or that I didn't have the courage to seek them out. Like, what if that person called you, took total ownership for what they did, how they treated you, or the lack thereof? Maybe there was a lot of neglect there. Maybe they really did abandon you. Maybe there was a lot of yelling and chaos and inconsistencies and unpredictability in their behaviors and lashing out and reactivity that hurt you. And what if that person were to call you and take total ownership for all of that and give you a sincere apology? A sincere apology that they had no idea would impact you this way or that it was even possible for them to change? At that time, they were struggling in such a place of darkness and shame, and they just believed that they were the burden and everybody else in life would be better off without them. They. They really helped you to see where they were at at that time. Not to excuse their behavior, but to create a connection with you. Of this is why I did what I did. And it's important to me that you know that, and I am so sorry. If they had the ownership and they made the apology and they gave you this game plan of what it looks like moving forward for them, where they're going to be putting their focus and efforts and what they want to be able to try doing, they included you in that. Would that make a difference to you? Would it? Anytime I've asked that question to a client, the answer is, yes, it would make a difference and the answer goes the same for me as well. The answer is yes, it would make a difference for me. Not because I need this person's apology in order for me to heal. Just because I love every ounce of evidence that I can get that people are good. And seeing people do bad things doesn't make them bad people. It just means that they're hurt people, hurting people. And I would love to see them heal. And seeing them heal, gosh, that gives me a breath of fresh air in life. Like, yes, we're doing it. This is totally possible for us. And I get fired up regardless of, you know, if I want to pursue. This isn't about pursuing the relationship moving forward. Or maybe you have boundaries in place that you're like, you know, I am honestly just moving in this direction and I've closed that door and I'm okay with that. And I'm glad we had this great conversation and I wish you the best. Like, you can do that too. My point here is it would make a difference if they took that ownership, had all the accountability of themselves, and gave you just this insight to where they're at in a sincere apology. It would make a difference. So think about how old you are. Personally. I'm 29 years old. So at 29 years old, if that would make a difference in my life, what kind of difference would it make for a 9 year old? Gosh, if I had, if I had the opportunity to experience that when I was in the thick of this, I'd say anywhere from the age. Anywhere from the age, really? From, oh, goodness, probably 10 to 22. From 10 years old to 22 years old. If that were to have been an experience for me during that time, that would have truly changed the trajectory of my healing. Um, I. I fully believe that. And was it? No. And was I still the heal? Yes. So again, our healing is not dependent on someone else taking responsibility and someone else agreeing with us, somebody else telling us they're sorry. Our healing is not dependent on that. If you want your healing to be dependent on that, you absolutely can do that. I'm just saying I did it without the apology. I did it without the recognition, without other people taking ownership. And if I can do it, you can certainly do it too. And I refuse to allow you to believe that your kids are too old. It's too far gone, it's too late for you to make the changes that you want to make. And there's just. We can't change the past. We can change our perspective of it, though. So, like, I said in that first point of have the perspective that you did the best you could and that you're proud of yourself for coming to these conclusions now, for making these observations now. Because this comes into my third point. Ten years from now, when your kids are 19, 17, 14, or further than that, maybe they're 40 years old, 38 years old, and 36 years old. However long from now, just imagine it being 10 years from now, won't you still have wish that you would have just started today? Because our kids are still gonna get a little bit older. God willing, if we're lucky enough, we're gonna get a little bit older and so will our kids. And the idea that, oh, I missed the chance, the only chance to do that was 10 years ago. I mean, maybe there is still just quite a bit left for you to learn before you can make this happen. And that's okay. That's okay. It's okay to meet yourself right where you're at. So in my, in my second point of just understanding that no matter when it happens, the ownership, the apology, the plan moving forward, it makes a difference. And when we allow ourselves to do that, and we allow not only ourselves to do that, we allow somebody else the opportunity to experience the kind of positive impact it can have on their life. That's such a gift all around. And it doesn't matter when it happens. The idea that it's too late is just a perspective. It's just a mindset. What we choose to do, those are our choices, right? And our choices are going to be determined by our mindset. If you have convinced yourself it's too late, you are not going to do it, you're just not going to do it. And I can tell you step by step the game plan to do it. And if I don't change those beliefs first, if I don't help you see differently first, it doesn't matter. So what I need you to do is one, understand that you've always been worthy, even at the low points, even when you made choices that you are just not proud of today. You've always been worthy, you've always been lovable, and you've always been doing the best you can. And it's okay to want to change and grow out of certain tendencies, personalities, behaviors, perspectives. That's a beautiful thing. That's the first point. The second point to remember is that it's. It would make a difference for you if someone that had hurt you in your childhood, reached out and apologized, took ownership and shared a plan with you of their Changed behavior, moving forward, that would make a difference to you. And maybe you're 40 years old now. Think about that power, that impact, that maybe it's 20 years later for you and it would still make a difference. So, yeah, maybe it's been a few rough years and you've had a perspective that really took some time out of your motherhood and you don't like it. And the mother you were through those few years is still worthy and deserving and lovable and irreplaceable. And you're going to show her that she is by making these changes, by allowing yourself to show up and say, look it, we can do it, and we're doing it right freaking now. This is day one. Moving forward. Let's go. Let's do it. I'm getting out of my own way. I. I can think of nothing that's made me more proud of my life than showing younger versions of myself who I can be. And I. I'd say motherhood makes me very, very proud. Being a wife, marriage makes me very, very proud. And there's something that's just unmatched to allowing yourself to grow and change and showing the younger versions of yourself, look, you really are these things, and it's beautiful. And look at the impact you make because of it. And that's been something that has changed my life. So that's our second point. Understanding that it would make a difference now, and it's not too late. My final perspective in this, we'll say this is number four. And then I will put all these together for you in a pretty way, because I know I've been kind of bouncing between them because they're so closely connected. And number four here is, I want you to tell me a better way to teach your kids than just showing them yourself. Tell me a better way to teach them what it looks like to have accountability and ownership than for you to model it. Tell me a better way for them to learn how to change their behaviors than if they just had the opportunity to see you do it. Tell me a better way to teach them to do these things than just being able to see you do it. You are their first and most influential teacher and you always will be. You'll always have that pull towards them because you're their mother. You're always going to have that pull towards them. And when you choose to use it for good, you're going to prove what can be done. You're a difference maker. You're a cycle breaker. And when you view it that way and you Understand? Wow. Actually, me making these initial choices, me showing my kids mistakes right in front of them is actually a wonderful way to teach them what to do when they slip out of alignment with who they want to be and what to do when they make a mistake and when they make a choice that they're not proud of. Because guess what? They're going to. They're going to. They're going to have times and days and moments and relationships that they do not like. The way they show up, they lacked a tool, they lacked a skill. And emotionally, they became extremely irrational with their reactions, and they're not proud of what they did. And who would they trust more to turn to in moments like that than the person that has literally modeled the exact same thing and better way to do it moving forward. So they've been given this opportunity to see both sides of it. And that diversity is unquestioningly invaluable to our kids and their learning experience, to show them that diversity. This is what it looks like to be outside of line with who you want to be, and this is what you do about it. This is how you get back on track. This is how you get back in alignment. This is how you repair relationships. This is how you build connection. This is how you show respect. This is how you apologize. All of that is so important. And when you give yourself again, this is just a perspective. But when you give yourself the opportunity to reflect on maybe the way you have shown up and you can be completely honest with yourself, maybe you did ignore them or you didn't follow through on what you told them you would do, or you've yelled or you've spanked or you've had timeouts or. And I'm not judging. I'm just giving examples of things that I've heard mothers say that they wish they didn't do. Okay? So if you think about any of those examples, I want you to realize that you could use any. Anything that you feel like that is just not in alignment with who I want to be. It's not in line with what I want to model. Use any of those as your opportunity to teach your kids. Look, I could do it this way. And you know that just that choice doesn't feel good for me. So I'm going to do it this way instead. And it shows our kids you can make a choice and then realize that choice does not sit well with me. It does not align with who I want to be. What am I going to do about it? I'm not going to blame the other person. I'm not going to justify my behavior. I'm not just going to sit here and complain about it. I'm going to actually do something about it. I'm going to heal and grow and, and change. And it doesn't mean our kids were unworthy or undeserving or unlovable or irreplaceable before they decided to make that change. Not at all. And we would be proud of them for making those changes, too. So in this fourth point, I just want you to understand that any time you've spent outside of alignment with who you want to be, any decision you've made that just falls underneath the standards you want to hold for yourself are all opportunities of showing your kids what it looks like to come back from things like that because they're going to experience the same pitfalls in life. So let's wrap this up. All four points coming back together. Number one, wanting to change and improve doesn't mean you weren't good enough before. It means you know you are worthy and deserving of more. And that comes when we get more clear on who we are. Number two, it makes a difference. This change that you want to pursue makes a difference no matter how much time has passed, no matter long how long you haven't been doing it. This brings us to point number three. Ten years from now, there will be a little bit, your kids will be a little bit older and you'll still be wishing, I wish I would have done that 10 years ago. Wow. Imagine the difference it would have made if I started doing this when they were 10, when they were 17, instead of trying to do it when they're 27 or 37, 47, whatever. It makes a difference now. And however much time you let go by from making the decision now to then, you'll still wish you would have just started today. And our last point is, tell me a better way to teach your kids than just showing them yourself. They love to learn from you. And letting them see when you're down is an excellent opportunity of learning and growth for them too, because they will have those times as well. I love you dearly. I'm cheering you on. You're doing such an incredible job. Thank you. And I want you to take this episode as your permission slip to get out there, be who you want to be, prove it can be done, be a difference maker, cycle breaker, and truly bring about the change that you want to see in yourself, your home, and your family. I love you dearly and I'll talk to you soon. Oh my sweet friend. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.