92. You Are Given What You Need!

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Welcome back, my friend. We are going into an exciting, great, possibly trying, full of challenge and hardship kind of week because that's what circumstances give us and that's what this episode is about today. It's just about the circumstances we're given and how to bring a new perspective into them so that you can naturally live with more purpose and less of those anxious, stressful, harmful thoughts that tell you this shouldn't be happening. And we start arguing with reality and we show up outside of alignment with who we want to be. And what I mean by that is thinking in a way that doesn't support you, thinking in a way that's harmful to yourself and your relationship with others. Feeling ways that are not supportive of our circumstances and helping us find solutions and doing things that we are most certainly not proud of. And when we find ourselves in those positions, we honestly make things so much harder than the circumstance that presented itself in the first place. Like, we have a tendency to make the tantrum harder than it needs to be, or the nighttime waking or the argument with our spouse or that unexpected bill or flat tire on the side of the road. We tend to make things harder than they need to be through our perspective and through the feelings that we project onto circumstance and then what we choose to do next with it. So this past week I was really doing a lot of thinking about what do I love most about mindset work, and a lot of answers came to mind. To be completely honest, just because it's truly changed my life, it's freed me from so much anger that I was carrying and resentment and grudges and honestly just gave me a whole new perspective on life. And I'm just. I'm always gonna be grateful for that. I'm always gonna be grateful that I feel like I have this Fresh start and second chance. And I wanna be able to share that with you too. So when I was thinking about that question last week of, you know, what do I love most about mindset work, there was a lot of answers that came to mind, and. And the ones that stood out to me the most were how we are really just one perspective away from a better mood and from better choices and from better connections with people. Like, one perspective. And I'm sure you've had examples of that in your life too. Like maybe a time that you. Your first thought was really compassionate and you handled something a lot differently than maybe you would have normally or your husband did something, and. And instead of getting mad about it, you kind of had this aha moment of like, oh, my gosh, I've done that too. Like, that's how it feels to be on the receiving end of that. Or, you know, just times that your mind really did show up and do you a favor and showed you a new perspective quickly, and you're able to see how you felt different and did different in that moment. And that's probably one of my very favorite things about mindset is that it gives us the opportunity, I mean, through literally one thought. One thought holds the power to change so much for us. And we're one new thought away from a better mood, from a new feeling, from a new action. And, gosh, that just keeps me. Keeps me on the edge of things, keeps me, like, right there, feeling this excitement and anticipation for what's coming next as I work with you and my clients and share on social media, because I know it's. I know it's that strong, it's that powerful to just help you find one new perspective. You're one new thought away from something different, from better actions, better feelings, better sleep, better relationships, better choices. And I really do love that about mindset. I also love how carrying that perspective into our circumstances that come this week, because like I said, we can have a really exciting week full of just wonderful things and lots of rest and hardship and challenge and difficulty. And when those circumstances come, most of which are outside of your control because you don't control the circumstances. You just control what you think, say, and do in the circumstance. You control you. That's it. You don't control the weather. You don't control other people. And for those that are like, oh, I most certainly do control my kids, well, let me give you some credit here. You influence them. You influence them. You are a master influencer. That's a very powerful thing to step into and we want to be able to feel proud of the way that we influence. And that's where, again, identity and mindset comes back to you. So when we take what this episode is all about, being able to bring this specific perspective into your circumstances so that no matter if it's the wonderful thing happening that you've already decided, like, oh, this is exactly what I wanted, or that challenge, difficulty, hardship that you've decided, this is not what I wanted to happen, this is the one perspective we can bring into it. And we. And help you find that one new thought that changes everything for you because you're one new thought away from just something different. One new thought, one new thought away from a better choice, a better feeling, better connection. And I. I think that's really exciting. So we're going to take those two things together this week to accept this perspective. Try it on for a few days of I am given what I need. What do you feel when you hear that? When I say to you, you are given what you need, what do you feel? Do you feel relieved? Do you feel at peace? Do you feel anxious? Do you feel angry? Do you feel disappointed? Do you feel a little upset that I just said that to you? I. And I'll be completely honest with you here. If someone were to tell me, Tessa, you're always given what you need. If they were to tell me that 10 years ago, oh, baby. That first of all, whoever that person was in my life is no longer in my life like there would be. I would allow no, no room for them or that seemingly garbage perspective at the time to be in my life. I would cut that person off like, abso freaking lutely not. I don't need that kind of toxicity in my life. And that's the position I was in. And, you know, bless me and how hard I was trying. I really did the best I could. And maybe if you're feeling similarly, I hope you just give me the opportunity to unpack this in a way that you can see the bigger picture and then decide if this is a perspective you want to carry or not, because 10 years ago, I wouldn't have even allowed someone to unpack the perspective for me. And it's okay if you feel upset or angry or just rejecting a perspective I'm sharing here. That's okay. I just hope that you can feel that and choose to see it and choose to just try and understand it. I would really appreciate that. And you know what? Like I said, thoughts are free. You can take what serves you and leave the rest if none of this serves you, leave it, leave it behind. That's okay. That's okay. We can think different. So this perspective, though, of I am given what I need. If I were to ask you right now, Susan, who do you want to be? Hannah, who do you want to be? Kelly, Sherry, Allie, who do you want to be? If I were to just sit down with you, have a conversation, and I got to know your name and I got to look you in the eyes, and we got to just chat together and I got to ask you, who do you want to be? What would you tell me? Well, I recently asked my Instagram community over in my story who they want to be. And some of the answers sounded. A lot of the answers sounded like patient. That was the number one probably characteristic that I got back was patient. They really want to be patient. They want to be calm. Some of them described it as the longest fuse. Like, I just want to have the longest fuse. And others said they want to be connected and at peace and grateful and excited. And there was so many beautiful answers that came in. And ironically, not one of literally the thousands of answers that I scrolled through and I'm reading and you know, there are all these characteristics coming, coming in. Not one of them said angry, overwhelmed, anxious, exhausted, fed up, burnt out. Not one of them said that. And yet so often when we ask people are, we just, we don't even ask. We just listen to who they're telling us they are. With all of their I am statements. That's exactly what it sounds like. I am overwhelmed. I am burned out. I am anxious, I am depressed. I am. I'm over it, I'm sick of it, I'm tired. That's who they're telling us they are. And yet when I asked my community of two hundred and something thousand people, and there's thousands of responses coming in telling me who they want to be, not one of those answers sounded like that. Not one answer sounded like how I'm commonly hearing women describe who they are. And I want to help you with that. That's why I'm sharing this perspective, because I know it can help. And I also know that it can feel a little bit triggering to receive being told you are given what you need and to try and instill that in your mind. I am given what I need. Oh, man. Our mind can wanna, like kick that out right away. I totally, totally get that. I think that's what makes me really unique in this work is I have so much experience with that victim mentality and negative mindset for so many years that I feel like I've been blessed with this ability to see both sides sides and have experienced both sides for a long time. Now that I'm actively choosing the positive, I'm actively choosing the empowered because I know the difference. And that's what I want for you too. I just want you to actively choose because now you know the difference. And anyway, my point in this being given what you need, the answers that I got back on social media, patient was like the most common, common answer. So let's use that example here. Remember, we're sitting down together, making eye contact, chatting, smiling, maybe a little bit of crying, laughing, going on, all the goodness in between. And I ask you who you want to be and you say, tessa, I just really want to be patient. Like I just want to know. I have the longest views and I'm left unwavering in my presence and I'm left unquestioning in my love and I'm left with compassion and this perspective that allows multiple, multiple ideas to be held very gently at once before I make my decision of what I think. And if you were to tell me that, what does it sound like? This is where the perspective gets really cool. What does it sound like you would need to go through, to experience, to be given to you in order to know that about yourself? How, how would you know that you're a patient person without ever being given the opportunity to see it, without any circumstance being presented that requires patience or at least gives you an opportunity to have patience. How the heck would you ever believe that you are exactly who it is that you told me you want to be? How would you believe that you're a patient person if you never did it? Don't you see? You really are given what you need. You're given what you need to be who it is that you say you want to be. And if we would just allow ourselves to kind of slow down and view our view, our day view, our circumstances, what's given to us with a little bit more curiosity and observation and a little bit more of a this is my chance mentality. The tantrum. The tantrum comes up. The tantrums always going to come up. There's always going to be a freaking tantrum. And if it's not with your toddler, guess what? Adults are throwing tantrums all the freaking time. Let's look around. So there's always going to be a tantrum in some form or another from your mother in law, from your own mom, from your sister, from your 2 year old from your 5 year old. Sometimes it's from us. Like, they're all over the place. So instead of viewing this tantrum as the of course, here we go again. This is so triggering for me. I can't stand this. This is exactly when I lose it. I become so angry, I start yell and making those predictions about ourselves. What if the tantrum came up like it does and we stop trying to control that part. We stop trying to eliminate tantrums. Like, yes, we want to support our kids best behavior and we want to figure out, you know, what is in most support of your behavior. Like, is it screen time that influences you? Is it your nutrition, your hydration, your sleep, your activity, your involvement and engagement with others? Like, what is it for you that I can best help you emotionally regulate? Of course we want that for our kids and we can do all of that and everything we can possibly think of all the deficiencies they may have and take them to the chiropractor and all the things within our control. And they can still have a tantrum because it's developmentally appropriate. It's developmentally desirable for them to do that. So you're not doing something wrong. It's not that you're not doing enough. It's just part of developing, part of growing, right? So instead of trying to wish the tantrums away, control them out of existence. When the tantrum comes up, I want you, your first thought to be, this is my chance. This is my chance to be patient. Gosh, I need this. I need this chance. And don't fear the tantrum. Don't go to this anxious place of I can't handle this tantrum. Yes, you can. What? Why? Because you are patient. You already are. So now that we can accept this identity of ourselves and see it come full circle in front of us, we can start seeing new behaviors within ourselves, new feelings being expressed, new soft eyes instead of those angry eyes you remember when you're trying to like, smile at your child and tell them that everything's okay and then like, your eyes are expressing the anger. No more of that. We're gonna have the soft, the soft, gentle eyes. And no matter what, you're just going to be proud the way you showed up. And it's amazing what happens next, how you start to just view yourself differently and none of your circumstances changed. Your husband, maybe he still came home in that bad mood. And the way you handled it because you were a compassionate wife, brought him out of it a little bit faster, brought you guys closer through it. He finally opened up and expressed more about why it is that he feels this way or what it is that he's feeling in the first place. And you guys came up with this great plan of how to help the whole family through this circumstance that he's going through. And you shared this perspective with him too. Like, look, I know you don't want to be going through this, and sometimes what we need and what we want look different. And that's okay. It's okay if what you need, AKA what you're given, looks different than what you want. Because sometimes what we need is not what we want. And we need to accept that. You tell me you want to be all of these wonderful things, like patient, compassionate, kind, gentle, nurturing, productive, intentional, whatever it is, fulfilled. Don't you think it's going to take some circumstances that would allow you to grow into, that would allow you to be stretched and nurtured and to become that? To me, that's exactly what it looks like. And the issue is not the circumstance. The issue is the perspective going into the circumstance. Again, we're trying to control all the things outside of us instead of just viewing the circumstance as the opportunity to be who it is that we said we want to be. You want to. You say you want to be adaptive. Adaptive was another really common one. Like, you know, I just want to be adapted, go with the flow, be flexible. Well, the frick. You're going to need a lot of circumstances to go in a tailspin spin sometimes and throw you a freaking curveball out of nowhere. Why do you need that? Because that's what it means to be adaptive and flexible. That's what it means. It means that something goes different than you anticipated. And you navigate it really well. You think on your feet. You're creative and resourceful, and everyone would describe you as being adaptive and flexible. Your kids fell asleep in the car on the way to the park and you said, you know what? That's all right. I actually have my book right here. Or I've been meaning to catch up on that. That article that I was reading on my phone or, gosh, I would love some time to declutter the freaking pictures in my camera roll. So I'm just gonna let them sleep. We don't need to go to the park, right? The second you slow everything down, that's being adaptive. It's totally being adaptive. The babysitter doesn't show up today. She was supposed to be here at 9am and now it's 9:15 and she's not here. And I. Oh my gosh, all these plans go out the window. And instead of taking this very frantic, like rigid, strict approach where I can't veer off course here, it has to go this way. Who are you? You're flexible and adaptive, maybe a little bit more resourceful, light hearted, excited, adventurous, courageous. All of that could be described to help us handle a circumstance differently. So I hope that you giving me a little bit more time to unpack the mentality of I am given what need just sparks some interest for you because there's so much more that could be said about this. We could, we could totally unpack it into the hard things that we've been given throughout our lives. Oh my gosh. And let me tell you, when I started this perspective, this is where I feel like people need to be warned, is because when I share something like everyone's doing the best they can or you are given what you need, the reason why we become so triggered about that is because we instantly go to the worst freaking case scenario or the person that has done the worst things has hurt us the absolute most and say, but what about them? Or what about that? Instead of building our, building our belief in this new perspective with all the 98% of circumstances that we could see it working with, we go to the freaking 2% that we're like, no way, no how am I ever going to accept that? Instead of going to the 2% to begin. If you really want to make tremendous progress with your mindset work, start with the 98. Start with the 98% of circumstances, places, people, things and activities that you could apply the mentality of they're doing the best they can or I am given what I need, not the 2%. The 2% is when you get to that like advanced level, you're becoming more of an expert in this. That's what the 2% is for. And that I think that's one of the best things that I did when I started really working on my mindset, my identity and my healing was I didn't try to start with the hardest things, the hardest people, the hardest things that I've been through, that I've been given, that I've experienced, that I've felt, that I've heard, that I've done. I didn't try to start there. Why? Because I just felt like if I start there, I was, I was losing before I even started. I wasn't even going to be allowed to make it to the finish line. I'd be kicked out and I didn't want That I just. I just really wanted to change, you know, I just. I really. I really just wanted to be the mother that I knew I could be. And it looked a whole lot different than really anything that had been modeled to me. And I had no idea how I was going to do it. I literally came into motherhood thinking, well, I know what I'm not going to do. And that sounds like a great place to start. That was my mentality coming into motherhood. I don't know how to be patient. I don't know how to be gentle. I don't know how to be nurturing. That was a model to me. I don't know how to just be forgiving, loving and compassionate. I don't know how to do that. And instead of thinking about that so much, I just thought about, well, what aren't you going to do? Look at, look at the examples that you have shirt and what did you learn from them? Because we can learn something from everything. And I'm telling you, as a child and my relationship with my mom and every, every choice that she's made, I have always been given what I need. Because now I see who I am today as a mother and as a wife. And I don't know if I would be this mother and wife and feel this purposeful and passionate and just like this work is non ne freaking gosh able to me, I will absolutely make this happen. There's no fat chance I'm going to go down that road. And I just don't know if I would take it this serious if I didn't have those experiences. I like to think that I would, given my life experience. I know for a fact I will, because I know what it's like down that other road, too. And I still see it playing out. I still see the consequences of it. And every day I'm just grateful that at least I'm trying to go down this road. At least I'm learning this new way. And sometimes it feels really uncomfortable and really vulnerable. And 10 out of 10 times it goes way better than what the initial reaction would have been or if I were to just repeat patterns where that would have taken me. And I mean, I could literally apply this to everything that's ever been given to me in my life. My dad passed away 23 years ago on February 3rd. It was 23 years since my dad passed away. And, you know, that used to be something too, that I could never apply these mentalities to. And, you know, hating a circumstance doesn't change it. Saying that's so unfair. That never should have happened. All these things, it doesn't change it. And when I try to live my life that way, for the first. Goodness. 17 years, the first 17 years after losing my dad, that's how I lived it. And I didn't feel better. I. I really didn't. I felt a lot worse. And I harbored a lot of anger and a lot of resentment, and I just got to a point where I didn't want to live that way anymore. So I started really just looking at me. Because I'm the common denominator of every relationship that I'm in, every feeling that I have, every action that I take, every. Everything, every place I find myself in, I am the common denominator. So if so much of my life I'm unhappy with, what the heck am I doing? And most all of it came back to what I was choosing to think. So, yes, I would say from the time I was born to now, I don't understand all of it. And that's okay, because I do believe that I've always been given what I need in order to become who it is that I say I want to be. And it's worked out this far. Maybe I cherish life just a little bit different. Maybe I have more energy to bring into each day that I'm given because my dad died when I was 6, and I view my relationship with my husband differently because of that, too. And I view, gosh, Liam's about to be six in June. And I view that differently because I lost my dad when I was 6. Would I cherish life this way? Would I see my marriage this way? Would I view Liam's 6th birthday this specific way if that would have never happened, if my dad were still here today? No, I wouldn't. I would have a whole different perspective on life. And that could be really beautiful, too. Don't get me wrong. There's not one way that's better than the other. I'm just saying, with the circumstances that I've been given, hating them doesn't change them. Arguing with reality, you know, cursing God. I have tried it all, and none of that changed it. Changing my perspective changed how I felt. And when I changed how I felt, I was changing what I was doing. And that has changed my life. And that's what I want for you, too. So, like I said, that 2% of growing up with a pedophile in my home, the relationship with my mom, the way I was treated, the things that happened, losing my dad when I was 6 years old, that's the 2%. I didn't start there and I don't want you to start there either. Don't start with the hardest, the hardest places to apply it. Start with the 98%. Start with how you could see that tantrum unfolding in front of you to your benefit to help you be that patient mother that you say you want to be. Start with the friend canceling the plan last minute. That's the circumstance that you need to be the understanding friend or the compassionate friend that you say you want to be. Start with the way your mother in law or your mom made a comment about the way you're choosing to parent or what you chose to wear or whatever it is. Use that. That's my chance right there to be who it is that I said I want to be. And obviously in order to do any of this, you need to get crystal clear on who it is you say you want to be. So answer that question first. Get out your journal. You know, I'm a big fan of pen and paper. Alignment journaling is my freaking jam. I'm doing it daily and I hope you are too. Um, it's been a very sustainable practice for me the past three years. And gosh, the alignment journaling community is just something that's so uplifting to be a part of because I get to hear from mothers handling not only tantrums and spills and messes and babysitters canceling or school closing down or any of that differently. They're also showing up differently in their marriage and differently in their careers or choosing to start that business and, you know, setting boundaries in their friendships or pursuing new friendships or getting out of their comfort zone like they're truly rewriting who it is that they believe they are. And it's all intentional now. And I, I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to be a part of that. So for you just to get started in this, get out your journal, preferably one that you love and you feel drawn to. Um, and I just want you to write out the question, who do I want to be? And answer that. Answer that to the most expansive depth and detailed answer that you possibly can. And then get out a highlighter and just kind of emphasize the words in there that stand out to you the most. Did you write compassionate? Did you write curious? Did you write observant, nurturing, gentle healer? Did you write slow to respond? Like, how did you describe yourself? And I want you to just get that highlighter and kind of write out all the things that stand out to you and I want you to ask yourself, what circumstances do I need to be given in order to show up as this version of me? What circumstances do I need to be given? And when you ask your mind that question, an amazing thing happens. You realize you don't need all the easy stuff. You don't need the cookie cutter. Easy peasy. I have all the resources, all the help, all the answers. Everything goes smooth. It's always a sunny day over here, the nice rainbow in the sky. You don't freaking need that. You don't. And you're going to feel most proud of yourself when you show up as who you want to be. When it's challenging, you're not going to feel as proud of yourself when you show up as who you want to be. When everything was freaking easy, your kids didn't push back. No boundaries were crossed. There was no loud noises. Everything stayed in its place. There was no need to get out the mop that day or fill a hole that the dog dug. Like, there was no need to do any of that. Well, gosh, are you going to feel very proud of yourself. How much did we really do? It sounds like it was all done for us. You're gonna get that fulfillment, you're gonna get that sense of accomplishment and that real closure and healing of yourself when you realize, I don't need my circumstances to change. I can change first. And then naturally, your circumstances will change too. Just. Just realize when you ask your mind that question, you know, what do I need to be given in order to show up as who it is that I say I want to be? Right here. The answers don't have to sound easy. And it's likely your mind's not going to say, oh, I need everyone to say exactly what I want to hear and do what I want them to do right when I ask them to do it. And things to never go off course or be unexpected. I need it all to go according to my specific plan and design. Your mind's not going to say that. It's going to say, you know what? Ironically, that tantrum is actually quite beneficial. And when my husband comes home late, that would be an excellent time to show up as this loving, understanding wife that I just told myself I want to be. What the heck? And that's all I'm asking you to do, is just take this new perspective. I am given what I need. And, you know, you made it to this point in the episode, so hopefully I did a good enough job getting you started with it just to start that 98% and then over time, maybe start, you know, dipping your toe in the 2% and seeing where it takes you. I'm just saying it's a lot easier to do the deeper healing when you have a strong sense of these tools and you have success with them and you've proven to yourself this is beneficial. This does help me, and I believe it. I believe it makes a big difference. So I'm always in your corner. I'm always cheering you on. I want the absolute best for you. And I. Dang it, I freaking know that right where you are is exactly where you need to be. And I'm excited to see what you do next with it. So I'll see you next week. Sweet friend. Oh, my sweet friend. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.