95. One Mindset To Increase Compassion

Welcome to the momset podcast, my friend. I'm your coach, Tessa Romero, and as a woman of God, an adoring wife, and a mother of three darling boys, I am passionate about giving you the tools you need to build a mindset skill set that enriches your experience through motherhood and daily life. I've had my fair share of challenges and hardship throughout my life, and that is exactly how I came to this place of finding purpose to my pain and helping you do the same. I know we can thrive right where we are at, and it's time for us to take back motherhood by being the mommy that we want to be right right now. Thank you for being here and making this a wonderful place for me to show up alongside you. Oh, goodness, goodness. I am home from my third Revive retreat. Literally feeling revived and renewed and refreshed and restored in this work and just so full of purpose, of just a deeper understanding of who is here and what we're needing. And that is something that I know this episode is going to deliver to you is something you need. And that sounds like compassion. Are you lacking compassion maybe in your marriage or in motherhood or in your work environment or with your family relationships like your parents, your in laws? Compassion is an extremely powerful emotion and it leads us to new perspectives. I truly just believe that it's something that's influenced more by the state of our heart rather than the state of our mind. Because. Because when the state of our mind is so closed off and judgmental and quick to just look for that one ounce of evidence that can prove what we were already thinking is correct, rather than looking for evidence that can prove the truth, the truth of where someone else is and what they're going through, when that happens, that's a heart thing that's starting in our heart, not our mind. When our heart gets closed off and guarded and we're like, okay, the best way for me to stay safe is to just guard all of this and put a. Put an intense armor around it. That's also the fastest way to disconnect yourself and miss the perspectives of others and the opportunities to feel people in your life that care deeply for you and you could be caring deeply for in return. And I want to be able to help you with that because I see a lack of compassion showing up, especially in marriages all the time, quite frequently when I'm working with women. And I know that giving you a shift of perspective is a great way to soft. To start softening your heart. And I want you to be able to experience that. Because it's not about other people, it's about you and how you feel on a daily basis. And if you're showing up as the wife and mother and daughter and sister and friend that you deserve to be, take that in and really ask yourself, am I being the wife I deserve to be? Stop asking yourself if you're the wife your husband deserves or if you're the mother your children deserve. Stop asking that. Are you being the mother that you deserve to be? The one where you can go to bed at night thinking, yes, man, I did that. I did such a great job. I'm proud of this. I learned from that. I really took this piece in in and I said yes when they wanted to help. Like, you're able to really take account of your day and see the ways that you showed, you showed up in alignment with who it is that you want to be because it's what you deserve. And the same thing goes for a marriage. The same thing goes for every single interaction and relationship in our lives. And I want more of that for you. So this special perspective is going to help you have a hearty dose of compassion, maybe in areas that it's been a little bit lacking. And I want to reassure you that not alone in this at all, the reason why I come up with tools and perspectives like this is from my own personal experience. I'll notice my mind saying something and I'm like, huh, well, that is not helpful. That could be a really hurtful thought. And if I hang on to that and I allow that into my marriage or into my motherhood or just into my life, what's it going to look like? How am I going to feel? And. And I want you to be able to ask those questions too. So the reason why this perspective came up for me literally just yesterday and it reminded me that I've been using it for quite some time. So I'm going to unpack this perspective and give you a lot of great examples of how it shows up in my daily life. And the example of when I first really started pulling on and understanding it. It was actually last September. So like 18 months ago is when I actually started pulling on this perspective and understanding. This is an actual need of mine to keep my heart soft and open my mind to new perspectives. So yesterday I was driving in my car and there was, it looked like a college age girl driving next to me and she was trying to merge into the lane and I have a large suv. I've got, I've got a fourth baby on the way, like, I'm so grateful for a large SUV and we can all fit my whole family in there. And the college girl is in this tiny little car, like a very, very small car, and she's trying to merge over. And at first I felt, like, a little bit judgmental, to be completely honest. It was kind of one of those, like, are you kidding me? Moments where it wasn't really safe what she was doing. And I just immediately got judgmental instead of compassionate. And I caught that judgmental thought. The are you. Are you being serious? The are you kidding me? Thought. And I caught that and I just said, you know, this is hard for her. This is hard for her. And that reminded me of how often I use that perspective. This is hard for him. This is hard for her. That's the perspective that we are going to be unpacking today. And I'm going to be inviting you to allow it more space into your marriage, your motherhood, and really any interaction that you have with others, regardless if you know them and have an established relationship or not. It's not about the other person. It's about you. Because the words that come out of your mouth are very telling of where your heart is. It's a fruit from you. It is not a reflection of somebody else. It's truly just a reflection of you, what you're choosing to project and put out. And I want you to see yourself as someone that is extremely compassionate, extremely interested, engaged, attentive and present, and someone that contributes to the good that you say you want to see. And I know that's true about you. We just have to get your mind a little bit more reconditioned so that your heart can soften back up and lead the way again. So this perspective of this is hard for her. When I thought that about the girl driving next to me, I immediately felt soft. I felt soft and understanding like she truly is. And it just created this whole narrative afterwards. She's doing the best she can. And I wonder what it feels like to drive in a smaller car, trying to merge into this busy lane with all these other cars. And who knows how long she's been driving or how often she even drives. That's another thing, is how often is she even driving? How comfortable does she feel? This is hard for her. And in that perspective, we need to remember that some things that are easy for you are hard for others. It's so easy to fall to that temptation and think that if something's easy for you, that it must be easy for everybody. It must Be easy for the person sitting next to you. And that's simply not true. There are some things you're so gifted and talented and creative and expansive in, and that's a beautiful thing unique to you. It is not an expectation and requirement for others to live a fulfilled and beautiful life. They don't have to be good at the same things as you. That's where our strengths can come together and we can actually have better relationships. Imagine being only in relationships with people that are good at the same things as you. That doesn't sound very expansive for us and diverse to experience. Multiple. Multiple experiences. Right. So just keep that in mind. Are you thinking that what's easy for you in marriage, motherhood, your career, the daily tasks that you complete should be easy for someone else? And that leads us to one of the worst armors. I was talking about those armors that we put around our heart. One of the worst armors we can carry is this whole idea of should, how it should be. Oh, man. First of all, how the frick does your mind know how it should be? Your mind doesn't know that. It's just guessing. It's just thinking about what it wants and saying, oh, yeah, it should be like that. Why should it be like that? Why should everything be just the way you think it should be? There's no way that you know the absolute best way for things to go. That's not your job in this life. That's not your job to decide what would create the best possible outcome. If everyone got on board and did what I think they should do. How do you know life would be any easier, any better if everyone did what you think they should do? What if there'd be more difficulty, more hardship, more challenge, more dysfunction, distrust, dysregulation? What if there are more of that? When everyone did what you think they should do? And that's just the reality check. Sometimes we need to give our mind that strays. And it's not really connecting with our heart right now and staying soft and compassionate, just that reality check of, you know, the only thing I really know is what is. That's it. What I think should or shouldn't be is irrelevant. It really is irrelevant. Because I don't know if life would be any better any more fulfilling, any more purposeful if things went exactly as I think they should go. So what I love about this specific perspective, this is hard for him or her. When I use that perspective, it reminds me, oh, shoot, get out of the shirts. She should know to go every. Like she should Know how to merge. She should know to use her blinker. She should know that you need to speed up, not slow down. Like, she should just know these things. Okay, should she? How do I know that? How about I could lead. I could surely go into that perspective or I could lean into. This is hard for her. That's. That is more realistic and closer to the actual reality of things than any of my should land that my mind went to. Another example of this is like, when I do my coaching, thinking about teaching this perspective to you fully. Me living in this perspective of this is hard for her. This is hard for him. And I'm going to give you more examples. Fully living in that is easy for me. It's natural. It has been a conscious thought that I have for the past 18 months. And when I came up with that this is hard for him, it was like an immediate shift. And I was like, oh, I love that. It's been in my journaling practice, it's been in my communication, it's been in my perspectives that I share with others and hold myself to. It is easy for me, and the reality is it's hard for others. And that's why I like to share it on this podcast, because it's my goal to make it a little bit easier. If I'm good at something, I want to help others be good at it, too. And that's an example of, like, coaching. When I'm coaching through identity, identity is something that's fun and exciting, and I love creating vision, and I love working on my mindset. And while it can feel challenging at times, it truly is an easy pursuit for me. Like, the path is clear and I'm just walking down it. Whereas when others want to go pursue a new identity, a new vision for their life, heal, shame, forgive themselves, that can be really, really hard for them. Really hard for her. There were women just at my third retreat that I spent the whole last week with, and there were parts of that identity work, parts of that vision work, parts of that perspective and parts of that self forgiveness and learning how to regulate your nervous system and expressing emotion that I find to be easy for me to do. And it was hard for her. It was really hard for her. And I can hold space for that because I have a mentality about it and I want to have compassion. And 18 months ago, when I came up with this perspective, my husband and I went on a trip with our kids. Drew was five weeks old. And on this trip, Marcus was making dinner. Now, mind you, I gladly cooked dinner for my Family almost every night. Like, it is just. It's my role that I take in the home, the grocery shopping, the cooking, and I love it. I. I get a lot of fulfillment out of it. And there are times that my husband cooks dinner or a meal. And when he cooks dinner, this sweet, wonderful man of mine, my lover, is an. Is excellent at putting all of his effort and attention and focus into making the best meat you have ever had. It is delicious. Every single time. He does not mess up the meat. It is. It's so, so good. So this night, he was making dinner on our trip. He had everything that he needed for the meat. And I could basically be describing this as any other time he's making dinner. Air quotes there at my home, too. This is what he does. So he has a meat, and he opens, he puts gloves on. That's the first thing that he does, is he puts on those gloves. And because he doesn't like the feeling of the raw meat, so he puts on the gloves and he turns on his YouTube video or the. I guess the first thing that he does is look up the right YouTube video that's going to give him step by step, instructions of the absolute best way to cook this meat that he wants to make for our family. And I love how much he cares, because you want to know how many times I look up YouTube videos for cooking, like, once a year. It is not something that I do. And I really see him looking at those YouTube videos like, wow, you really want to get that right. Like, you really want to make the most of this meal that you're preparing. And I think it's a really sweet thing, regardless if it's something that I personally do or not. So he turns on his YouTube video, then he puts on his gloves, then he opens the package of meat, puts the raw meat touching the meat onto the cutting board. And then the natural next step that the video tells him to do is to put olive oil on the meat. And that's exactly the moment that my husband turns to me and says, oh, shoot, can you give me the olive oil? And wants me to drizzle it on the meat so he can use the gloves to rub it in. And after that, he needs seasoning. Well, now he has these gloves not only covered in the juices of the meat, they're also covered in the olive oil that he just spread all over it. And he didn't have the seasoning out to be able to do that or the preparation and planning in place of, how am I going to do that with These gloves, two hands covered in the oils and juices. So he naturally asked me, hey, can you get that. Can you get that Montreal steak seasoning and season it here? And he's, like, literally patting it in. If he's doing a chicken, he's, like, getting it under the skin. He's lifting it, asking me to, like, make sure I get it in these places. And he's. He's fully invested in preparing this meat in the best possible way. And I used to feel frustrated about it completely. To be completely honest, I just felt frustrated because my mind went to. He should be able to do this on his own. Think about every single night I'm in here freaking cooking dinner. I'm not asking for a sous chef. I just do it, like. And he should be able to do it too. He should know that he's gonna need that olive oil every time. He should know he's gonna need these seasonings. He should know, like, look, man, this is. This is what you're doing. This is a plan. Maybe only use one hand with a glove, and the other hand stays clean for the bottles. And my mind used to just, oh, my gosh, just be on loop in that should idea how he should do it, what he should know, what it should look like, the planning that he should put into place. And it was a very frustrating place to be that, unfortunately. I just. Every time I was in that place of, should I miss the opportunity to see how much my husband cares, how much my better half really shows up for me and our family, how serious and important this task is to him? And on that, the other thing that I was missing is his absolute willingness and comfort with asking for help. He's absolutely willing to ask for help. Why wouldn't he? Whereas sometimes I'm like, oh, man, I should get this all done on my own. And it's something for me to learn from, or I can criticize it. And I spent a lot of time criticizing it. And it was 18 months ago that I finally walked into that kitchen after he asked for some help. And he was. I still have the video of it because it was like a dawning on me moment that I was like, oh, man, this shift in perspective is everything for me right now. And I'm thoroughly enjoying watching the love of my life go about cooking this meat for my family. And on that, he also only makes the meat that used to drive me bananas, too. That he was only making the meat and no sides. So he'd get done and have this wonderful steak. I'm like, great. What are we gonna eat with it? Like, do you have any sides in mind? Like a vegetable and like a starch? Can we think about these things? And when I would think about that again, I would get so. Just feeling so frustrated with him. Like, when are you gonna freaking learn? And why do I always have to do it? And I shouldn't have to back into all those shoulds, right? And now I see it as, when my husband is gonna cook the meat, I get to make a couple fun sides that I don't normally make. I view it as an invitation, an opportunity for us to be in the kitchen together, talking, spending time together, just like we say we want. This is a chance for us to spend time together together. And yes, it is hard for my husband to prepare an entire meal. And guess what? It's hard for me to cook and smoke meat the way that he does. Or grill. I don't grill. I don't smoke meat. No. I use my wonderful stove and oven. That is where I'm at. That's my jam. And he smokes and barbecues the meats. So it's really cool how when you take this perspective in towards your spouse, this is hard for him. You're able to see, wow, this is actually easy for me. And now that he's making the meet, you know what? I could just come right in there and be who I want to be for him. See a need and fill it. Be helpful, be compassionate, be thoughtful and be a team player, Be a partner, be a lover, whoever it is that you. How however it is that you want to show up in that relationship, there's literally an invitation for you to do so. Every single time, every single circumstance you find yourself in is an opportunity for you to be who you want to be. There is no exception to that whatsoever. That's one of those ultimate truths. Everything you're given, every circumstance you're in is an opportunity for you to be who you want to be. The question is just if you take it or not. So I want you to be able to consider where in your life is something easy for you, and it's actually hard for him. And if you would just. Just take that perspective into consideration, this is hard for him. What would you do next? What would you naturally think next? What would you naturally want to do for that person that you have finally considered is going through and learning to do something hard with your kids? How many times do we do. We think our kids should be moving faster? They should do what we ask right when we ask them to do it? Guess what? It is really freaking hard for my 5 year old to stop playing with a friend. It is really hard. It is really hard for my 3 year old to shift his focus and attention from the thing he was building, reading, doing, creating, coloring, whatever he was doing. It's very hard for him to shift his focus from that onto me. And I will literally be. I know that. So I go up to him and I sit like right next to him and I'm like, luke, it's time to look at mom. Look at mom. I gotta tell you something. Look at mom. And I just see how it's like this pull where he wants, he wants to give me his attention. He's just still learning how to do that with more ease because he's so interested, invested, and engaged in what he's doing. And that's not a bad thing. He shouldn't only be interested, invested and engaged. And me and what I say and do it immediately. I mean, how, how silly to think that when we ask someone to do something, they should do it immediately. Okay, how often do your kids ask you to do something and you just get up, pop up, and do it immediately? Or is there ever a yes when I'm done with this. Okay, I'll do that next. Let's put that on the calendar. We're gonna do that on Friday. Like, is there ever a wait for your kids? Yeah, I'll speak from my personal experience. Absolutely. There's a wait for my kids. And knowing that, knowing that perspective, it helps me understand that, you know, sometimes there's going to be a wait for me too. It's hard for my kids to get out of the bath. It's hard for my kids to keep water in the bathtub. It's hard for. Oh my gosh, it's. Think about parenting styles. This applies to parenting styles, too. This is something I commonly hear from women like my spouse is like, I'm trying to change my perspective and change my parenting approach to be in alignment with this. And then it's my husband who's not doing it. He should just speak calmly to them. He should give them natural consequences instead of trying to discipline or create all these other consequences. He should be done with bedtime sooner. Shouldn't take so freaking long. He should prioritize the nutrition that I've been prioritizing and preparing for our kids and family. He should know these things. We should be, be on the same page. Well, guess what, my friend, sometimes parenting is freaking hard. And there are some things that your kids do that is easy for you to navigate and handle. And that very same thing can be really hard for your spouse. It can be hard for him to talk to them the way that you talk to them when he's feeling so triggered. He's feeling so dysregulated, he's feeling offended, he's feeling defensive, he's feeling disrespected. And it is a. It's a real experience. And you have those emotional experiences, too. And guess what? We are not always nailing it. We're not always doing it the way that we think we should. As much as we may try, there's just times that we. I call it slipping out of alignment. It is a gentle slip, and you come back into alignment. You haven't fallen, rolled down a freaking hill, and the train is now completely off the tracks. No, you slipped. Imagine walking on a trail. You slipped. You tripped on a rock. Then you stand back up and you keep freaking walking. We all trip, though. We all slip. And when you consider in parenting approaches, maybe there is something when it comes to your spouse that, gosh, it is just hard for him. It's hard for him. Does our criticism and judgment and shame make it any easier? No. When we come guns blazing, I told you to do it this way, and now look, you just poured gasoline on the fire and made it freaking worse. Is that helping them do better next time? Is that helping your spouse level out and come back down? Is that helping the father of your children, their parent? Is that helping them feel respected and seen and heard and valued and like a meaning, a meaningful contribution in their childhood that's being created? No, it doesn't help them feel that way. What it does tell them is, look, I can never get it right. Here I am again, screwing it all up. Nobody appreciates me. I'm the one that always get. I'm the one that's always to blame. She's easier on the kids than she is on me. And then what's the relationship gonna look like? What's the parenting style gonna look like? There's resentment formed on every freaking every corner of this. And now we're not the only ones lacking compassion. We're literally teaching other people to lack compassion. And if we were to just have a little mantra for ourselves, this is hard for him. Soften your heart. Soften your heart. Understand that we're all people doing the best we can. And whenever you see someone else going through a hard time, you have a choice. You can make it worse or you can make it better. How can you help someone else having A hard time. How can you help your kids when they're having a hard time shifting that focus? How can you help your spouse when he's having a hard time communicating with the kids in that moment, or he feels so fired up about the choice that they made and his mind is now 30 years down the road of what the consequences of that choice are gonna look like that he's not even present in the moment anymore. He's checked out like this is hard for him. What can I say? What presence can I bring? What peace, what calm, what tone can I set that would start shifting this dynamic that we can all be present in this moment, not 30 years down the road in our mind? You have an opportunity. You really, really do. And whether you like it or not, you're the one listening to this podcast. Is your spouse listening to this podcast? Are your parents listening to this podcast? Is the girl driving her car next to me listening to this podcast to learn this perspective? Probably not. Honestly. Honestly, probably not. I think you are extremely fortunate if you have a couple friends, one, two friends that listen to this podcast alongside you and discuss the principles and concepts and tools that come out of it, you are extremely fortunate, my friend. And when you choose to pursue work like this and you choose to go through Mind body alignment, my 12 week course, you're going to learn a lot of things in there, a lot of things on this podcast, a lot of things from what you're choosing to consume that just by default land you in a more responsible place because you pursued it. With great power comes great responsibility. Spider man over there, he's not a victim of having these powers. He's just more responsible. And the same thing goes, when you acquire a new tool, a new skill, you are by default more responsible than those that do not have that tool. They do not have that skill, they don't have that talent, they don't have that perspective that you have. They haven't done the work that you do. And it's pretty unfair to assume that those that have not pursued this work would show up in a way that we are challenging ourselves to, because why would they? They're still in a place that you were before you started doing this work. And something that helps me tremendously is to remember, never, ever, ever expect someone else to do this work or grasp a concept or be willing to do something faster than you were. It took me so long to get into this work. So long. 12 years. 12 flipping years to get into this work, to evaluate my own identity, to shift my own perspective, to Start being responsible for my freaking self and being empowered in my circumstances, instead of racing to the seat of the victim, pushing everybody out of the way and saying, no, it's my seat, I get to take it. Watch out, I need to be the innocent one. That's where I was living, that's what I was doing. And if it takes me 12 years to get here, I'm not going to feel upset that somebody else doesn't do it the first time they hear it, that someone else isn't completely moved by me doing it. Now when they're maybe in that one year, they're in year two, they're in year six, I can be patient. I can be patient. I'm just going to keep on keeping on. I'm going to keep on doing it. And the same thing goes for you. Do not expect anyone to apply this work, to learn it, to have a willingness or an excitement to shift themselves this way sooner than you did. So all I'm asking you to do is see the areas that you're lacking. Compassion. If it's towards a complete stranger in a grocery store or in the lane driving next to you or a loved one, that you just want to show up better for your kids, your spouse, your in laws, your parents, your friends, just any opportunity that you have, look for how this may be hard for for them. This is hard for him. This is hard for her. Put that into your mind and see that you have choices here. You can make it worse, you can make it harder. You can scream and shout and create chaos. You absolutely can. Or you can help. You can make it better. You can lighten the load. You can see this is hard for him and it feels really freaking heavy. Where can I pick up some of that weight? Where can I carry it? Your capacity is also larger. I said your responsibility is bigger. It's true. Your capacity to do it is also much greater than someone else that doesn't have the tools, doesn't have the practice, doesn't have the perspective, doesn't have the support, doesn't have the resources. Yes, your responsibility is greater and so is your capacity. So it's not going to feel as it did 12 years ago if someone were to ask me to do these things. No, it feels like I've got six freaking years under my belt. I have grown this capacity enormous amounts. I have literally seen myself move mountains. I can certainly come in there and make a couple sides. I can certainly use a kind voice when I ask my kids to shift their focus and attention. I can absolutely set a Great example towards someone that may not be speaking very kindly to me in the grocery store or in the line or in the airplane. I can set a better example because I've got six freaking years under my belt. And maybe for you, you're like, oh man, this is my first week. This is my first month. This is my first year, whatever it is. Oh, you are, you are doing it. You're doing it. You're there. Congratulations. I'm so proud of you. You have, you have a greater capacity now than you did last week. A greater capacity now than you did last month, last year. And when you put those things into perspective, you will keep going. You'll keep going. And I'm so proud of you because you deserve to be the person you want to be. You deserve to be the mother you want to be. You deserve to be the wife you want to be. And by default, we start giving other people more of what they deserve in this life too, just because we know that we deserve it. I'm so proud of you. I'm grateful that you're here listening on this episode. We're increasing our responsibility. Yes. And our capacity, which just lightens our load. It feels so much better and it's something that is absolutely worth pursuing. Mind Body alignment is my 12 week signature course that I coach mothers through that are ready for renewal in terms of knowing who they are and and deciding for themselves. Having the tools to expand your mindset with my best shifts and perspectives that allow you to be the creator of your thoughts rather than the victim of them. Going through the shame material so you can look at your previous experiences that you've been holding over your head and unable or unwilling to move past and heal and forgive yourself from. Go through the self love that it, that what that looks like to have empathy for others, self forgiveness for yourself and a true language with yourself that you're actually filling your cup. And then finally, we have great tools in the course to teach you amazing boundaries and approach to boundaries that keeps them in a compassionate place that nurtures relationships rather than creating divides. And our journaling course. Yep. I teach you how to journal in Mind Body Alignment because it's an incredible daily practice. You can have to keep your mind in a great place, not just hope that it stays there. Oh no. We take our mind there daily on purpose and we give it these perspectives as its daily nourishment and it will pay off tremendously every single day. I've had the opportunity to work with thousands of women now and I'm telling you that if you have been on the fence of Mind Body Limit in the past, now is the time to do it. We have a special surprise this spring that Mind Body Alignment is getting a complete makeover facelift. All new material throughout the course. So my alumni girls, you have the opportunity to look forward to new self discovery and prompts and examples for you, new video modules, new course materials and still the same powerful group setting and weekly coaching with me. So I'm very excited to be releasing that. And this is the last group we will be running before I have my fourth baby. You can use the link below to join the wait list and be the first to know when enrollment is open on March 13th. So I hope to see you inside of Mind Body Alignment this year and help you move those mountains, help you make those shifts and yes, become more more responsible and more capable with a larger capacity. Just like I know you are. Oh my sweet friend. Thank you for joining me on this week's episode of the momset podcast. Please take a minute to leave a review and share the show. If you loved it, I'd love to stay connected as we continue to learn and grow in motherhood right alongside each other.